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You’re tired.
Not just physically; though yeah, that too.
You’re tired in your bones. In your soul.
Trying to be a steady husband, an intentional dad, a man of God… but deep down, you feel like you’re falling short. Like you’re carrying more than you know how to hold.
Dad Tired is a podcast for men who are ready to stop pretending and start healing.
Not with self-help tips or religious platitudes, but by anchoring their lives in something (and Someone) stronger.
Hosted by Jerrad Lopes, a husband, dad of four, and fellow struggler, this show is a weekly invitation to find rest for your soul, clarity for your calling, and the courage to lead your family well.
Through honest stories, biblical truth, and deep conversations you’ll be reminded:
You’re not alone. You’re not too far gone. And the man you want to be is only found in Jesus.
This isn’t about trying harder.
It’s about coming home.
The dad tired ministry is going to be all over the country doing events this spring and summer and fall, and so we would love to have you be part of one of those if you haven't been part of one of those already. Even if you have, we'd love to have you back. We do one day conferences all over the country, so we will be in Batavia.
I'm probably saying that wrong. Sorry. I think that's right. Batavia, New York, and that's on April 13th. Coming up here, Fort Worth, Texas. That's on April 19th. That's a homeschool coalition conference I'm gonna be speaking at. We'd love to have you be part of that. Eden, North Carolina, that's on April 27th, Crescent City, California on May 4th, Houston, Texas.
Again, that's another homeschooling, Texas Homeschool Coalition Conference. If you're not signed up for that, we'd love to have you be part of that. May 31st, and then we've got one in Knoxville, Tennessee. September 28th. We're also working on adding several more of these. You can always go to jazz tire.com and click the conferences tab.
You can host one of these conferences, or if you have an event coming up where you're looking for speakers and you'd like me to speak, I'd love to be part of that event for you. Again, go to jazz hire.com or email us at hello@dadtire.com and we would love to work with you. On that. I wanna thank my friends over at lc Coffee for sponsoring today's episode.
I've told you about lc Coffee in the past. They are my favorite coffee roasters. They do our dad tired custom coffee blend, which you can get on the dad tired store. If you go to shop.dad tired.com, you can get your own coffee there. All of our guests who come over always ask what kind of coffee it is, and I'm so proud to say.
It is the dad tired custom coffee blend made by lc Coffee Roasters. I love lc Coffee Roasters for so many reasons. One, because they are dad tired listeners. They're part of the dad tired community here. They are just guys who are men who are trying to fall in love with Jesus and help their families do the same.
They're been part of the dad tired community for a long time. And they also happen to own a coffee shop. And so you're supporting local businesses, local guys who are doing their best to live on mission. And speaking of that, they take care of everyone from the farmers to the employees, to the people that walk into their coffee shops, or they do these pop-up coffee shops.
They've got. Vans and carts and stuff where they'll, they'll pull up, they're, by the way, like quietly. They're just serving all kinds of people. Law enforcement, nonprofits, they just do a lot of quiet things where they are being the hands and feet of Jesus. They have always said that they value people over product.
They use coffee to connect people, to love on people, to see the love of Christ expanded in their community and all over the world. I'm just a really, really big fan of what they're doing. You can learn all kinds of information about them and the kinds of coffee that they're making. You can get subscription coffee all on their website.
If you go to lc Coffee, STL, again, that's lc coffee stl.com. I'll put a link in the description for you, but you can click that and then. Get yourself some coffee and learn more about the death Tired coffee blend as well. Today, I've got my friend Ben Roethlisberger back with us. We are going to talk about fatherhood and parenting.
We're trying to get into the nitty gritty of that. So without further ado, let's dive into today's episode.
Ben, super excited to have you back, man. It's been a while. You were on the show last year. But since then, I feel like we've just become closer friends. I've gotten to know you a little bit more. Our families have spent some time together, and so I'm excited to pick your brain. But before I dive into all the juicy stuff, what have you been up to these days?
Well, I'm not sure when this is gonna air, but Monday we both, we both have had birthdays. Yeah. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. I've realized my, our years are a lot further apart than our, we won't name these days. They could probably find yours pretty easily, but they, they'll have a hard time finding mine.
No, it's, it's, uh, but happy birthday, belated. I either, I already told you. I'm just telling the world. I appreciate it. Happy birthday. Thanks. You were sick on your birthday. I'm still kind of sick, so forgive me. Everybody that's listening up, I have to sniffle. I don't even have any tissues. So if you see me pick up a T-shirt that's on the ground, I'm probably blowing my nose on the t-shirt.
Dad tired all the way. That's disgusting. If people knew like what I went through to get. Set up for this. It, it's like, it is everything that, that we talk about as being like a dad and being tired and being sometimes overrun and being, I mean, just everything to, just to hit record for the show has been a challenge for me, but there's been so much going on in our family.
Obviously we talked last time. I, I was. Retired, obviously, but just getting more into that, getting the foundational stuff, kind of the ball, slowly rolling. You know, we probably thought it was gonna be rolling a lot faster by now, but yeah, it's slowly rolling. For obvious reasons. My wife went back to school or was going to school.
I won't put her business out there, but she's going to school, which has taken up a lot of time. So that's kind of put. More on my plate in terms of dad knit chauffeur and kids doing all that kind of stuff. And then she'll end up giving me a list of things that she needs to do to take off her plate.
'cause she's just been super stressed. We're trying to start a new school for the kids, so that, building a new building, I should say. The school's already going, but we're trying to help build a building, so we're doing some fundraising stuff. So it's just been, it truly has been a whirlwind here for the last.
Man, six months at least, and it hasn't slowed down really at all. This month is gonna be one of our craziest months too. So does it feel busier for you since being retired? Yes. Is it just like a different kind of busy or, yeah. You know, my old busy was, was like a routine busy, right? Right. Like I'm getting up in the morning, I'm gone, I'm doing this, but I'm coming home.
Where now it's like, there is still routine. Like I'm getting the kids up in the morning. I try and get up and, and do some devotional stuff in the morning before the kids get up. Then get them up, get them going. So there is some routine there. The nice thing is, is that my days, it's almost like I don't have a schedule.
Yesterday I went horse riding with the kids, you know, so I get to do a lot of fun things. I'm still super busy. Take my son golfing or whatever it might be. So there's still a lot going on. I tell people all the time, I'm, I'm just as busy as I was. Yeah. But it's a different busy. Yeah. And most of the time it's pretty fun.
It just can get, I'd say, you know, 75% of the time it's, it's fun, busy. And then there's that 25 where it's like, and a lot of it's just helping my wife trying to take stuff off her plate because she has so much, like she just does so much, or, or fingers are kind of in everything because that's what she's really good at.
Definitely, and we've talked obviously off air, whatever, about like just the stresses of life Yeah. And, and kind of what's going on. So, but it's still really good. I mean, it can definitely add stresses and wear you thin as a, as a couple, as a dad and, and things like that, but I still wouldn't change it for anything.
Yeah. Well, it's cool to hear you're helping out, dude. Like getting to spend some time with Ashley. She's a beast, bro. Like she's just mm-hmm. She's a beast. Mm-hmm. Yep. She can do does it all. Yeah. Yeah. Two, when we hung out with our families together, two things stuck out to me. That's kind of where I want to go in our conversation today.
But before I like dive into the second one, the first memory, this has nothing to do with like, anything spiritual, I don't think, but the first biggest memory, bro, is when we were playing pool and mm-hmm. I'm gonna start telling this story and you're gonna, you're gonna know exactly what I'm talking about.
Oh boy. So we're, we're playing pool and somehow I beat you at a game. And then bro, like you, I've told the story to my other buddy. He's like, how was I hanging out with Ben? I was like, dude, I gotta tell you the story about Ben. So we're playing pool. I beat you once. And then dude, you like kicked into this like Super Bowl champ, like.
Elite mindset. Like you just flipped the switch. You're like, I think you even said like, yeah, that's not gonna happen again. You just like, well, I didn't even know that you like stop talking. Like you didn't even like it. It turned into like, you're like, we're not friends anymore. Yeah, we're not friends right now.
I'm not gonna talk to you. And you just went, I literally didn't touch the ball once from the time you like broke the balls till the time the game was over was like. Three minutes. I'm sorry. I need to be better. It just went full beast mode, dude. No, it was actually be better incre. It was incredible to see that because I'm like, dude, that was the, I'm sure that was the same like switch you flipped on the field so many times, but like to see it.
Yeah. But, but I got, I'm amount of field anymore. I got, I'm working on that. Okay. My wife, this is gonna go really good. Okay. This is gonna end up being really good. My wife. Tells me, or has told me, okay, this is what, I'm working on this, so this is perfect segue. Yeah. Pour out, pour it out. My wife has told me that I have a, I wanna make sure I say this the right way so it doesn't come across wrong.
She says, I have a very. Like a big personality. Yeah. I'm very like aggressive personality too, and not aggressive, like physically aggressive. Right. Just like I'm, and I'd say sweet. I played in the NFL for 18 years. I played four years of college before that, four years of high school before that. Like I.
Football is in my blood and, and you kind of have to be a little bit, 'cause people are aggressively coming after me. Yeah. So I have to aggressively keep them away from me and be like, you know, this big personality and just kind of who, I mean it's, well first of all it's who God made me to be. Right.
Totally. But then you, you have to work at it, whatever. And so, and it's things like, I may go back into our, into the bedroom and the kid's like, we're supposed to be leaving in five minutes. Right. And I come out like, let's go. We gotta get mo. You know, and she's like, yeah. Whoa. Easy, big fo you know, like type stuff like that, right?
Yeah. Oh, you know, I'm, I'm just trying to give like simple examples, but, but what I've been really trying to work on, I've been, I hear her tell me that, right? I hear her say, this is who you are and what you're doing, and, and she's like, sometimes your big personality can make all of us like. Shrink back. Mm.
Right. Like, I'm, I'm coming here. It makes all of them come back this way. Mm. And whether it's intentional or not, sometimes I'm sure it is intentional, where you're like trying to, like kids, let's go. Right. You're trying to give them like, let's get moving. You know, even like driving or something. You know, you come up to that, that the stop sign where you're both stopped, right.
And other car is obviously stopped first. And then you come up and they're supposed to go right. And they're like waiting and you're like. What are we doing? Like, go, you're there for like, and she's like, Ben, relax. And I'm like, I know, but it's just, it's like, why are they not going? You know? It's like, just, so anyway, all that to say, I'm working on myself right now to dial it back a little bit.
I've been prayerful about it. Hmm. Because I want to be a leader in the, of the family, right? That's what we're called to be. We're called to be leaders. We're called to spiritually lead. I wanna be an emotional leader, a physical leader, all that stuff. But I don't have to do it like as a big person. Mm. I can do it, uh, with a big heart.
I can do it with, I. Kinder words. And so that's what I've been really focusing on and, and hearing her say that, I'm like, okay, I gotta work on this. So that's what I've been working on in the last few months is almost speaking less, like trying to listen more to people. Hmm. Um, because I feel like that's been something that's been a fault of mine is when, or if I'm speaking to someone I love listening, they'll, they'll tell me something.
Well. I'll be quick to be like, oh yeah, I remember when, you know, it's like, why do I need to do that? Right. Yeah. Like, just let them tell me stuff you can learn. And I, I say that because we're teaching our kids that, or teaching Benjamin and, and the, and the other kids that you can learn so much. Yeah.
Asking questions you can learn, but we learn by listening. Yeah. And, and so like, just listen to people and so it's forced me to be a little bit. Softer forced me to be a little bit quieter. It's given me more time in the word, which has, I think, helped me the last few weeks and months, really, probably weeks I should say, to, to really lead in a different kind of way without having this big personality.
Yeah. So that is a very roundabout, that whole pool thing like, like trying not to be that. Okay. Like it's okay to lose now that I'm retired, even though the competitor in me never wants to lose. Well, that's interesting dude, because like. First of all, there was part of me that actually loved being like thrown around like a ragdoll in that game.
Just 'cause just getting to watch you in that zone, like being a foot away from you to do that was, was a cool experience. But I think it's cool that you're listening to your wife on that. I was thinking about this the other day actually, like I think one of the most, the highest, I'm trying to think the best way to say it.
One of the best qualities a man can have is to be self-aware. It just takes so much humility to be self-aware, to, like you were saying, to listen, to have your wife say something and then not just blow it off or get defensive, but to like listen to the word she's saying, don't talk. Just soak it in. Be like, is what she's saying true?
And if it is true, what am I gonna do to change? Like that's a hard thing to do. It takes a ton of humility. But I do think that's like one of the strongest qualities a man can have. I couldn't agree with you more, and I'll say this on a, you know, even more humbling level. It wasn't like she told me this once and I like changed.
It took like, like she'd say and I'd be like, okay, I'm working on it. Yeah. And then, uh, you know, and she'd bring it up again. I'm like, I know, I'm trying. And it was like, no, like, okay. It was probably the third or fourth time, maybe even more. She said something that I had to, like, I had to prayerfully change it.
And again, it's like we went to an unbelievable conference two weeks ago. I really just kind of submitted. That was one of the things that I really submitted to the Lord was that, and I feel like it's like that in life. It's happened in my life. When we have, when we have issues, it's like, I can fix it.
I'll fix that. And that's what I think I was doing is like, okay, I got you. I'm gonna be more self-aware when it happens, I'll, I'll check myself and, and again, this is only a couple weeks in, so it's not like I'm also gonna change, man. I'm work you. So, but when I prayerfully went to the Lord with it, with open hands, open arms and said, Hey, you need to help me now.
I can't help myself. And I think we do that so awesome with. With different things where we're like, I want, I can fix this. Yep. And, and that's my, you know, my kind of testimony, which we've talked about that's, people say, well, how do you know that, that God, like, how's God real? Because I tried to change myself, I couldn't do it.
Wow. But he did. And when he changed me, like obviously, so it's the same thing. So what you're saying is exactly correct. Like listening is the hardest thing to do and, and because we are prideful as men. Right. Like you say, like they say something like, I'm not that way. Yep. And then the second, third time's like, okay, maybe I, you know, there's like steps to it, like listening, then admitting it and then finding a way to change it.
Yep. I don't know if this is true for every marriage, it's probably not Christian marriage, but my personal marriage, I would say second loudest voice to, it's like the Holy Spirit and then my wife. Mm-hmm. And I feel like those two things are like, hmm. If there's stuff that I feel like God's trying to speak to me, it's like Holy Spirit, my own convictions, my own conscience, all that stuff.
What the Bible's telling. And then it's like Layla like her. Yeah. And it, dude, it's so hard. It's so hard to hear. 'cause she'll say things, it's usually around the way, like you parenting the kids. Right. Being too short doing stuff. And she'll just say, these gentle she'll gimme these gentle nudges. And I'm just like, ah, I don't, and it's usually me having to go back.
Mm-hmm. And be like, ah, you're right. You're totally right. Yeah. But that is the second thing I noticed that I wanna talk to you about and it hearing kind of backstory is. Kind of adds an interesting context to that. But the second thing that I noticed spending time with you in the context of like fam, obviously we, we've talked a bunch over the last year, but seeing you as a dad and a husband like up close for an extended period of time.
Mm-hmm. The way that you parent your kids is incredible. And I'm not just saying that to like, thank you, blow smoke. You know, like. The pool thing was funny and a big takeaway from me. But, but the second thing, dude, I got in the car and I told Lay, I'm like, dude, he is such a good dad. I'll tell you specifically what, well, thanks.
Because we feel like we're lost as parents, so thank you. Well, well, I mean, all of us feel like that, but dude, I know you guys, you guys are doing a really good job and the thing that stuck out to me, I'll try to be specific so you can like, 'cause I wanna pique your brain on it, but I don't know if I've ever seen anyone parent so well.
In the sense that their kids, I could tell your kids knew the boundaries, like they were crystal clear, like, you crossed this boundary, you've gone over the line. You're like a strong leader. Like you would say your kid's name or like give a whistle and I mean your kids would like, I. Come to attend. They are obedient, like ready to go Kids.
They know the whistle. They know the whistle, bro. It's really, it's, I tried it when I got home and my kids were like, what are you doing? I don't whistle, don't whistle, like, dude, so your kids are just like, you're on it. But also, dude, you were so tender with them. They just wanted to be near you. They wanted to be close to you.
They wanted to be held by you. Again. I feel weird looking you at the face and saying this, 'cause I don't want you to feel like I'm blowing smoke, you know? And just saying this to say this truly, I had never seen anybody like have such like heart, like truth and grace. I. Balance where they like, where there's hard boundaries and also they feel totally loved.
I walked away like, I want to be more dad like that. I usually find myself, and I've seen a lot of other dads in our life stage, 'cause we all have kids around the same age, usually err on one side too hard. They're either way too strict, way too disciplined, and their kids are terrified of them, or it's so loving that their kids have no boundaries and they don't know where the rules are.
So anyway, how intentional, like you ran your, your family. It's like a team, like a coach. And again, it sounds like maybe they're, sometimes you're Ashley's like telling you maybe too far. Yeah, back off of it. Yeah. But I don't know, dude, I don't even really know the question there. But the, is that intentional, is that just intuitive?
Tell me everything. Yeah. I mean, well it's, that's very kind of you to say those things. I felt blessed, like Ashley and I talked about like being around J and the other couple that was there. Just really good Christian fathers. I think that's. Husbands obviously, like that's what I think I've been blessed with, is having really good friends that are good parents and good husbands.
'cause like anything we should look to model ourselves after, like the people in our lives like you just said. Yeah. And it's not like I'm gonna pick one person and be like, I'm gonna take a little bit of this, little bit of that little like try to at least, right? Yeah. And even my own dad, like my dad and I have a great relationship and so I think about like, okay, how, what, why I, I didn't, like, my wife will say, we gotta do this.
I'm like, well, I, I wasn't raised that way. And it's like, okay, but times are a little bit different. You, you know, you want to do things differently. I just think like I'm trying to get better 'cause my wife reminds me a lot. I try and read parenting books. I try and learn because I wanna do the father son thing and help out however I can and be the best parent I can be.
And it feels like sometimes I'm a no too often guy. And maybe that's where some of that discipline, like that, that comes from where they know the boundaries. Mm-hmm. Because, and maybe it's too much, I've tried to say yes a little more, like, I forget how it was said or how we talk about it, but like it should be yes.
Until it needs to be no for their own good or safety or protection or whatever. Like, it doesn't mean like yes. Can be all the time or Yes. Pop. Because at the end of the day, it's not good for their tea. It's not good for 'em. Right. So it's same sort of thing, but. Is it bad for the kids to have a LaCroix?
Like for some reason my kids love LaCroix. I think it's 'cause my wife drinks nine 'em a day. But you know, like it's okay to say yes to some things. And I had to get to the point where I was always thinking, I want my kids to be like this. 'cause I would go see other kids or parents the way they did it. And so I think there's a way, I'll change this a little bit.
We can look at people and model after them in a good way and a bad way. Mm-hmm. Right? So if you see someone in public order. Grocery store or a restaurant and the kids are like throwing things or whatever. It's like, okay, I don't wanna do that, or I don't wanna be that, or, you know, like certain things. And so I want my kids to like respect us.
I work really hard at wanting, I want them to respect their mom. Even more because obviously like, I don't know, you're the same way, but you get that text or that call from the wife. The kids are now listening to me. Totally. Or the best one is like, don't look at your dad. Right? Like she goes to say something to him and they go like this to me.
Mm-hmm. Like, don't look at him. And it's like. I'm just sitting there. Right. But they like, they know. I think that's like the role. I think a little bit, and I don't mean this in like any kind of a sexist type way, but I just think like when you have a father figure, for some reason kids just kind of like naturally are like, totally not scared.
Scared isn't the right word. 'cause I know you, you ask all the time. Do you, do you discipline out of like fear or out of like love or I, I forget how they, like that said, you know, there's like a Yeah, yeah. Right. I think it's a little bit of both, to be honest. Yeah. You know, you want your kids to like, not fear you in the sense that you're gonna like physically hurt them, but like, have this, I mean like, we fear our father, we should fear our problem.
Right. There's respect, there's a, there's a deep respect. Respect. They know the boundaries. Right. And they know if they cross be some kind of discipline. Yeah. So I just try and, you know, I want them to love and respect their mother the same way. Like I want them to, like when she says something the first time gotta happen.
'cause when I say something the first time, most of the time it happens. They need to be the same way with her. So that's why I think I pushed that, those boundaries pretty tight so that they feel that respect when they talk to y'all or whoever, you know, when there's adults there, they need to, it can't be like little rugrats that are like, people are like, holy cow.
You know? And, and sometimes Ash and I talk about like. Are we too tough on our kids because we're worried about how, how they will give us a name or, or how they'll, um, what am I thinking? Represen represent you. How it reflects us. Yeah. Represents us, right? And we're like, man, they're only like seven or they're nine.
Like they're kids. Like it's okay if, you know, when they're younger, now they're getting a little bit older. You, it's a little different. But when they're younger. We felt like sometimes we were so worried about how it rep, like it represented us. Mm-hmm. And it's like, man, it's okay for them to be kids sometimes.
So there's, I think there's a lot, a fine line sometimes in there. I found that sometimes I discipline because of my reputation. Which I think is what you're saying, and I, the Paul Trip, yes. Paul Trip's got a parenting book and he says, don't do that. So I was like, I'm always convicted by that because I, because then it becomes about, their behavior becomes about me and not about their hearts or about their own character.
It's about me. Right. And then so the discipline, the, then when I discipline, it's not actually helpful for them at all because it's just, it's totally reflective on my own reputation. Right. Versus actually like sitting down and parenting their heart, which is hard to do. Are there sayings that you can think of off the top of your head that you guys just like say a lot, like repeat a lot to your kids?
Like for us, we No no's the saying, I know when you were saying, when you were saying like, try to say yes more. I'm like, but dude, my kids ask the most ridiculous thing I know all day because I, I had that same conviction. I'm, I don't want to be the dad who's just saying no. All day long. But you ask me for like, can we go swimming today?
It's like, no, it's 30 degrees today. No, we're not gonna go swimming today. Can I have another piece again, like, no, it's eight in the morning. We're not going to eat cane. Yes. You know? Totally. And but so yeah, one, I think we talked about this when we were hanging out together, but I was like, one thing we try to tell our kids a lot is see a need, see a need, see a need.
Hmm. So they're just like, I want them to look not just their own stuff, but like around the house. What do they see that is a need for the whole family? You probably have all these that like intuitively say, but, and I'm putting you on the spot, but are there any like that come to mind that you just, like you say, often.
No, I mean, I like that. See a need, I always feel like, like it, it blows my mind and I maybe, we'll, we'll, we'll figure something out, but it blows my mind when the kids will like step over a napkin that's on the ground. We did talk about this or we talked about this, like what are we doing? Like we count on someone else to clean up or pick up after us, or it's not mine.
Right. Well help someone else, you know? Yeah, yeah. You know, Ashley's big thing is an adult should never be working while kids are sitting. Mm. You know what I'm saying? So like, if, if we're up doing the dishes, why are you not? Yeah, helping clean up or do something, don't be going and doing something. I like that.
If adults are working, we got to the point of, of, and I'm not sure this is like a saying or whatever, but you know, the kids would ask like, can we have a, a sleepover in, like they, you know, the three of 'em wanna sleep in the same room or in our room or whatever. Or can we watch a movie when we get home?
And it's the, and like, you can't say maybe to kids because maybe means yes, totally. So at least when they're younger or we'll see. You know, it's like, 'cause then you go home, it's like, no, I didn't say yes, but you said maybe like, well, you know, you don't understand, you know. So what we started saying or instead of, or no, it can be no, but it would be like, probably not, but we'll see.
You know, like, not, maybe it's probably not. So they hear that, probably not. Like, okay. Yeah, but we'll see. So there might be a little bit of, but, but, but they're expecting the, probably not because maybe just became such a You can't, you just can't say that. Yeah. But I, I just, that, that just really popped into my mind.
I just, that we started doing that a little while ago and it's really helped a lot when it comes to things that they ask for. Setting expectations. Um. Yeah. What do you, uh, but I like that Sandy. Yeah. If you don't mind sharing, like, what are some practical ways that you guys disciplined? Are you guys like a, do you, uh, do you take away things?
Are you like a timeout or you, do you give spankings if, I mean, if you're comfortable. I've done all those things, by the way. Mm-hmm. Everything, I just mm-hmm. Yeah, for sure. Punishment. Oh. I mean, it's like punishment fits a crime kind of thing. Yeah. If they drop something, it's not like you're go to your room like it was an, you know, like it's an accident, you know?
And they, 'cause they, you know, it'll happen and they just, they're like uhoh or in so much trouble. And, and, and I think that's where you have to, like, as a parent, you want to freak out because they just spilled a glass of milk everywhere. Yeah. And now I'm gonna get my hands and these and clean this thing up and we're gonna clean up together.
But you're like, then you just like, man, it's an accident. Like, if I did that, what I. Start yell, you know, like when he yelled at. So, but I think it, what we've found is like, what is their like priority? Like what is their thing that would hurt them the most? Yeah. Feel the pain. Um, I know when I was grow Yeah.
When I was growing up, if, if my dad just like looked at me and said he was disappointed, I'm like, I'm done. Like done, you know, I mean, that was as I got a little bit older. Right. But you know, we've, which our kids don't do like video games much at all, but they've gotten to the point where we start letting them, like, play some Madden or like FIFA on a, on the PlayStation or something like that.
I mean, I'm talking like, it's very rare, but we'll be like, Hey, listen, you're not gonna be able to play mad. And they're like. To them. Like they may not even, they play like, I don't know, they hope they don't watch us. They play like once every two weeks. Like it's minimal. Yeah. But we could say like, we're taking that away or, you know, go up to your room and, and sometimes going to your room isn't necessarily a punishment as much as it's, you need a break.
Yeah. From everybody go to your room. Yeah. They're like, well, I gotta, yeah, yeah. Go up there and take your time To us. It gets really bad when it's like, um, if you look us in the eye and you lie to us mm-hmm. And we know you're lying. Like, it's like certain things just are unacceptable. Yep. And, and those are the times when we're gonna have to go have a talk.
You might get a swat, you might, you know, have to go up to your room for a while. Like, there's some things that like, so that's why I said I guess the, the crime has to fit it if it's just. Something that they didn't finish their homework or whatever. It's like that's not worth the craziness in my opinion, but yeah, you just have to figure out what that looks like in terms of what hurts your heart the most when they do something.
Yeah. Do you guys, uh, had a question and I lost it. See that's the part of being a listener. You know, I was trying to very much listen to what you were saying, and then I lost, completely lost someone else. You don't have to listen to me, you saying something. Oh, I remember what I was gonna ask. Do you guys, uh, do, um, like any type of family meetings or like how often are you setting expectations for the kids?
Intentionally? This is something I've been trying to do more and more. It's like. Once a week. It's not like every Sunday, but it's just like, it's probably happens once a week. Sit all the kids on the couch and I'll give like, Hey, this happened this week, this went wrong this week. This went right. And just try to give really clear expectations.
Do you, have you guys done any like family meeting kind of stuff? Not like that, but I bet we do five or six nights outta the week. Dinners together. Huge. Like that is a very important thing for us. That's a, that's a family meeting for sure. Dude, this, not to, not to interrupt you, but there was a study there Yeah.
That they said like. They were researching students who went to the same school, some elite college, I don't remember what it was. And they were, some of the students were like thriving in all areas. Their joy, their grades, their social life, everything. Mm-hmm. And some were failing. They were all clearly smart enough to get to the school, but some were not doing really well and some weren't.
One of the things that they found. Consistently with the kids who were thriving was that when they still lived at home, they did family dinners two to three times a week. That was like one of the things that stuck out to the researchers, which I thought was just, yeah, incredible. So anyway, you doing family?
I did that. I did that growing up. Like growing up I was, it didn't, you had sports, you, we ate all, like we do that now, like at the kids, like tonight for instance, there's like, we have the kids go to, like there's a church thing. Then there's also, they have like a little training thing. So there's like, we'd rather eat an earlier dinner mm-hmm.
So that we can all go together or like on Monday night, bo soccer, like the kids. So we don't eat till like 17 or seven 30 and it's like, okay Ash, this could be one night where you and the other two can eat without us and it's okay. And she's like, ah, it's all right. We can wait till seven 15 or seven 30.
So we just intentionally have dinners together all the time. And, and at dinners, all kinds of things come out and come up and Totally. Even if it's like a quick one, like, Hey guys, we got about 10 minutes to eat. We're still doing it together. Yeah. And so I think that's been huge for us. And during those times, like if we have time like it, it usually comes down to how busy action I are.
But if we have time like, Hey guys, what was your highlight of the day? What was the low light light of the day? Was there a moment when you saw Jesus or you helped somebody or someone helped you? Like we try and throw those questions out every once in a while. During the advent season or during Christmas, the advent we would do, we'd sit down, do an intentional advent thing during those times or, or during breakfast.
Like we also do breakfast together almost every morning. Mm. Well, usually it's the kids and, and I'm packing lunches and doing, you know, either doing breakfast work, but at least we're all like there together. Yeah. And again, I don't have teenagers or things like that where it can probably get tricky, but we just try and make that intentional time together.
I think that's a family meeting. I think that's a family meeting, you know? Yeah. Just that you get the whole family together and you're talking about so much. I think the greatest discipleship so far in my life, my experience, the greatest discipleship has happened around a table, whether it's breakfast, lunch, or dinner, or sitting around a table.
Stuff gets brought up slow. No electronics, no distractions. You're eating a meal together Right. And your stuff comes up and I just think that, yep. I mean, if, if your dad is, we have a big No, we have a big no technology, like no fold at the table. Like Yep. My wife, every once in a while doing the kids or someone will hit her with her and she's like, oh, sorry.
Like, I just had to do this real quick. Yeah. But like, that's a big thing for like no technology at the table. Yep. I think if any dad listening, like if there's one thing you're, if you're not doing that, that's like an easy, make that super easy, you know, change. Mm-hmm. Adapt and whatever you need to do to make that a priority.
What kind you A question? Yeah. Hit me. Host hat. Host hat. When you guys bedtime, who puts who down? Does someone stay longer? Do the kids want one or the other? So right now, I, I'll have a follow up. I read a story to our little girls every night. Mm-hmm. Okay. Just being super vulnerable here. This actually came up this morning.
My wife, I don't know if she'd be, she's comfortable. She's an open book. She doesn't mind if I share. She left for work this morning, early this morning, but I woke up at like six and she was about ready to get out the door and I could tell she was like emotional. And I'm like, you okay babe? And she was like, clearly she had been crying and the reason was because we've been putting our little girls to bed.
It's like putting the little ones to bed is such a. Thing like bath time. Mm-hmm. Brush your teeth, read a book, tuck you in 15 times. I need another tuck in, you know, all this stuff, you know, they're two and or three and five, you know, so they're in that like bedtime takes forever and it's exhausting and it's really frustrating.
So, so we're in that. But in the process of that, the reason Layla was crying is because she feels like she's kind of abandoned our older two at bedtime. She's like, I didn't even say goodnight to the older two last night. Like, I was just so focused on. The younger babies that I didn't even like say goodnight to our older kids, they just like went to bed.
So she felt really that mom guilt. But anyway, that was more than you asked for, but No, no, but that, no, that's what I'm asking because what I was gonna say is, and I'm awful at it, but, but, and it's funny 'cause every kid's different, right? Like some are like our daughter. I could tell her down here at like, you know, after dinner like, all right, goodnight sweetie.
I love you. You know, love you hug, you kiss. And she'll go up on her own. Get ready for bed in bed. Lights on me. Never hear from her till the morning. Mm. Our oldest, he's the same way where he wants you to come up. You've gotta, like, there's, we had, there's like a handshake you have to do. There's, you know, he goes through the routine of Let's pray.
Yeah. Um, will you lay with me still? Um, yeah. The youngest is, and he still might come out every once in a while and be like, Hey, I finished a book, or I couldn't sleep. Or, I like, dude, you were been in there for like, literally two minutes. Like, of course you didn't fall asleep yet, you know. And the youngest, our youngest boy, he, he has like a, what's the weather tomorrow?
Is it sunny? Is it cloudy? Is it rainy? I mean, you could tell, Hey dad, what's the weather tomorrow? It's gonna be sunny and and warm. Okay. Cloudy. I just said sunny bud, rainy. Like he's got this little, little routine. He needs this, he needs that. He needs an ice pack because his head hurts. I mean, it's just, it's nonstop.
It's just, it's the same thing every night. So, yeah. I said all this is leading somewhere. It can be frustrating at bedtime 'cause you want bedtime to be such a nice, sweet thing time, but kids can be frustrating at bedtime. And so I'm the one that's like, alright guys, listen, don't come outta your rooms or else you'll go to bed early, 15 minutes early bed tomorrow night and you'll go ahead for everyone else.
And that's a, a really good, I, I just thought about too that we do sometimes a discipline thing. No one wants to be the first one to have to go to bed. Like, I'm gonna put you to bed 15 minutes before your brother and sister, or, you know, however it is. Yeah. And they're like, no, I don't wanna do, like, that's a good disciplinary thing too.
Yeah. That's really kind of easy to do. No, that's good. So I guess I'll just ask, 'cause my wife has said many times and I, I try to be more aware and more. Intentional in the evenings times with the kids. But again, my daughter makes it so easy 'cause she's like, I don't think dad, you know? Right, right. But I try and lay with them if they want, but my wife's the reason I was asking my wife.
Always talks about bedtime is the kid's most vulnerable time where they will open up to her and talk about things and then she'll come tell me about, you know, or whatever. So I just didn't know if that was the time that you would have with the kids or your wife or whatever. But I'm just encouraging people out there.
If you can make the evening a lot of kids just. Sometimes she'll say, I'm, I just lay there and they start talking. Yeah. Just, and it's not like you're asking questions. They just wanna, it's like, for some reason at bedtime they get vulnerable or they wanna talk about things and ask questions and, and she goes, listen, sometimes, like he'll start asking questions about, like, I.
The bible heaven things where you're like, holy cow. Like this is not, I don't have enough time for this. Right. But I was just asking that because, um, if, if that was the case in your house at all about the evenings and, and vulnerability and stuff like that, I needed that encouragement based on the conversation I had with Lela today, because I think that I'm probably missing those intentional conversations with my older kids because I'm just so tired.
By the time I get the two younger ones to bed, I'm like, alright, I got like eight minutes with my wife. Yeah. You know, as a dude, like your only chance for anything exciting to happen with your wife is a night when the kids are in bed. Yep. Yep. And uh, so I'm counting down those minutes and I've got, you know, I got eight minutes and now that's over.
So anyway, I just need to be more intentional with my older kids 'cause I think I'm missing those opportunities. I appreciate that. Mm-hmm. Last question for you. I know I'm still in a bunch of time and you don't have to talk about this, but I remember we talked about, I don't remember at what point. You and I talked about this, but I feel like I remember your son, your oldest feeling, kind of a sense of feel filling your shoes, and how are you processing that as a dad?
I think a lot of dads feel that, obviously you're a unique situation that most dads won't go through, but I think we all feel kind of like our sons are gonna feel that pressure of being like, dad, how are you processing that? Well, it's funny, I I, I got a funny story off that actually happened this morning.
Mm. My youngest, my 7-year-old, almost eight, he came to me out in, as I'm packing lunches this morning, and he said, dad, and he had, he's like hiding something, you know? And I'm like, oh boy. I'm thinking he wants something in his lunch, like a piece of like, you know, they're always like, they're always trying to get me to put something in their lunch, right?
Yeah. So he hits me with a, a kid in my class wants you to sign this. And it was one of my cards. Mm. And I'm like, really? And I had found out earlier that my kids were bartering, like things like from my trading cards for like Pokemon cards and candy and things like that. And like, so we, we put a big squash to that.
That's incredible. And so I was like, yo, it's, trust me. It was a big thing for a while. These kids are, were like Woody, second grader getting thousand dollar eBay cards for a piece re Unbelievable. But. So anyway, he says we signed it and I talked to him and I found out it was okay for sure, and I'll do that and I, alright, no problem.
So I signed it, the card with a silver sharpie, which is one, you know what I do. And I kind of saw him in the next couple minutes, like, like looking at me, you know, doing one of those like is dad looking type thing. And so then he kind of snuck around the corner and I kind of, I came back on the corner and I saw him, I said, Hey buddy, what are you doing?
He's like, nothing. I looked and he had traced over my signature with a black sharpie instead of silver. Wow. So I'm like, what was that? And he goes, the silver you couldn't see very well. So I just did that and I'm like, all right, well now that car's not worth that thing. That's good. But that, you know what, but, and so I thought it was funny.
My wife thought it was hilarious because she joked that she had a jersey signed by me a long time ago, and she put it in the wash and it like washed it off. So it's kind of the same sort of thing. Yeah, yeah. But my son, my oldest son, then he says in the car, he goes, dad, will you teach me how to do your signature?
And I was like, no, you need to have your own like signature or thing. You don't need mine. Yeah. 'cause you're your own guy. And, and Ashley was like, listen, until you win a Super Bowl, no one's gonna watch your autograph either. Mm. You know, like, kind of like snapped on him a little bit. And I'm like, you know, maybe you go if you're golf, because he is a big golfer, you know, we talk about, Hey, go golf, or you gotta do something for people to want, don't, don't worry about me.
Like he's still like he'll, he'll like put his name on a paper for school and put Ben seven. I asked him, I was like, buddy, why do you do that? You wear number three in basketball. You wore 14 in football. You don't even wear number seven. Why do you do that? And he goes, well, I just, you know, it's what you do.
I'm like, but you are not me, buddy. Wow. And so it's hard because I wanted to be like my dad. Right. You know? And I love that, that he wants to be like me. 'cause I would rather him want to be like me than some of these other people that we see in the world. Right. So I, in one sense, it's like such an honor and it's humbling for him to wanna be me or like me, but yet I want him to be his own guy, his own dude, his own, I know he is got have the same name, which is crazy, but still like be your own Bend.
And so we just encourage him to have his own path, his own story, be his own guy. We do some journaling stuff in the morning where he does a devotion, write some stuff down and we go over it together. And today's was about adventure and he had to write down three adventures he wanted and. The first one was to go to the masters with his family, with all of us.
The second was he wanted to go elk hunting with dad, and the third was he wanted to learn and go fly fishing with me and my dad, me and his grandpa. So everything had me in it. So those are the ways, when he says things like that, like that's how I want to be him, to be like me or be a role model to him.
Mm-hmm. I don't want him to try and go be a quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I love that he doesn't even really love football. Like I'm super excited about that. Yeah. Because I want him to be his own guy and the pressure that is already gonna be on him to do that is gonna be crazy. So I think it's, I know it's a long-winded answer to kind of say that.
I think as dads, it's great to be a role model. It's great to, to let your kids want to be like you, but let them be their own version of themselves. Like you. Yeah. Let them figure out their own path. Walk beside them instead of letting them walk like right behind you, walk like, let me hold your hand and walk with you.
Rather than you follow like in my footsteps. Exactly. We can still walk together and walk this path together and do these things. And you can me, but you don't have to be me. Dude, that was a lot of wisdom. That was really, really good, bro. Oh, they're gonna say, that was a lot of words. Sorry. That was a lot of words you just said.
No, that was a lot of wisdom, man. I appreciate it. And thanks for, uh, I know that's like a more personal thing, but thank you for. For being Yeah. Of vulnerable in that. Of course. All right, man, I appreciate you a ton. Your friendship means a lot to me, and, uh, I'm grateful for you. I'm so grateful. God crossed our paths, and, um, as always, I think this is gonna be really helpful for a lot of guys, so I appreciate you.
I hope so. Even if one person's affected by it, it's, it's more than was before. So thanks for having me. Thank you for being a role model for us too. The kids still talk about you guys and, and you're one of those people that I said that we take stuff from, so thank you.
Hey guys, as always, I hope that episode was helpful for you on your journey of becoming more like Jesus and helping your family do the same. As a reminder, we do have our dad tired conference coming up in September. If you have not signed up for that. It is by far the most helpful and encouraging thing that we do all year.
We would love to have you come be part of that. We do have limited tickets, so make sure that you get registered quickly. Go to dad tire.com, click the annual retreat tab and get yourself registered today. I love you guys. We'll see you next week.