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An Ork-besieged moon. A guard base running on fumes. And a smiling trooper who shares the last name of the man Reeb mercy-killed three episodes ago. The Primarch sends the crew to deliver war supplies to Fimbria IV's fourth moon, where the "containment strategy" is just making the exclusion zone bigger. Pi Brain destroys the medbay, Zedek deploys a thousand dog soldiers, and the astropath whispers that countless eyes are watching from the warp. Then Trooper Hest gets sent on patrol -- and the rescue mission nobody planned for begins.
Website: https://www.narrativedeclaration.com
System: WH40K Wrath & Glory
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What is WarHams - Narrative Declaration?
WarHams! The TTRPG live play show set in the grim dark world of Warhammer 40,000. Follow us @NarrativeDeclaration on all social media!
three two one go excellent sexy all right everybody are you ready
for another exciting episode of warhams
gonna burn everything with fire
fire thanks for thirsting for sitting outside dmca
you did it professionally oh wow it's all it's all down boys i don't even know my dmca i don't
know sunk you can't sing it they'll get her thirst and i'm making a song it's my made-up
song already dmca it's taken wise fuck never never underestimate the might of viacom damn
damn
okay so first thing because because people read the thing probably in a different way
and i just probably might fuck up anyway that uh there will be a vod chat don't worry there
will be a vod vod's not going we're just encouraging people to actually watch the
live stream except it's going oh i'm 10 minutes late ah fuck this i'm going to the vod and then
like we'll never see you again uh we'd like to encourage everyone to come to the live stream
because you probably don't want to miss this episode you really really really want to watch
this episode let me let me try to i don't know how much i can emphasize that
uh other than that i have an incentive for everybody uh i have a fairly fairly big incentive
for everybody that um one of the things that uh we kind of do to kind of measure like the
success of things or whatever to see how things are going it's pretty much the live stream
is that i've actually kind of see like are people showing up are people really liking
the show all that other stuff and basically just play like how many people are watching
it and if people just kind of come in and go like oh well we just want to we'll wait
till you know five years for a video or something like that it's understandable like don't worry
like you shouldn't really encourage anything but we also want to encourage some more people
to come over and watch us we want more people to come over and say hi so we want to make an
incentive for everybody is that if the stream gets around 1500 concurrent you know viewers
for three consecutive days we will have a side mini arc with the orcs for about three episodes
or so that's the one thing that i would like to incentivize people with
is that if we get up to that point that we'll do a uh three episode orc side deal you know either
continuing the epic adventures of the orcs so if that's something you're interested in i would very
much uh encourage you guys to like say hey um four hams is around like they're a thing all that
fun stuff so if you guys are really really like the orc episode that we did and want more of it
and really want really want more episodes of it that's one thing we're probably going to
kind of incentivize on because we didn't want to like spam the orc stuff to basically make it to
where it's like okay it's out done it's welcome and stuff like that that's that's an incentive
that we would like to do but i would like to introduce everybody to the amazing players and
everything else that makes warhams happen starting off with our skitarii ranger speaker d
yes it is me speaker d i play the skitarii man pie brain i am one of the lead writers with the
emperor had a test speech device bye boys fact
and uh that's all i gotta say about that the next up we have uh inquisitorial acolyte
rib van horn played by hello hi everyone i play rib van horn he is an inquisitorial acolyte and i
am a writer for the text-to-speech device and i do everything over there including make the show
no that's a lie out but does that how are you today i'm doing action in dune i am zora the
bear i am playing lawn which is the second sex and psycho i can't even say that word
right and next we have captain zedek rogue trader captain of the deck collector played by
me hulky crow i am a voice actor for the emberhead texas speech device and a couple other associated
projects mostly doing screaming and stupid voices and terrifying my neighbors and i'm happy to be
here again and of course the adventure warhams today is brought to you by the one and only
on call gm how are you today
thurston oh hello i'm doing just fine hi i'm on call gm thurston hillman i am the uh digital
developer for for paizo so i do starfinder pathfinder digital adventures go check those
out they're pretty cool um and otherwise i'm here to torture our players because that's what i'm all
about also this episode it's uh it's gonna be a spectacle absolutely and i'm gonna make sure
things work we're gonna give ourselves no glory you have your food
your ruin points everybody has their wrath in thurston what story are you going to tell us today
well let us let us talk about stories let us talk about the pcs being called back to
finbrae majoris for an important mission and we cut to an old friend that our pcs are now meeting
once again planetary governor
jeremyer zelensk the foppish nobleman who greets all of you in his personal office
i say coughing and dying good oh thank god he's going oh yeah i know i this mpc is actually dying
um all of you are summoned to meet with with jeremyer's lensk returning to finbrae majoris
on board the debt collector taking a lander down and entering his office he sits across from you
uh behind you and he's like oh my god i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i'm so sorry
behind his austere desk is large bionic staring over you but he says nothing
landon with us or are we on our own no land interrogator landon has departed for
parts unknown following your brief recount with him during last week's episode
well
you are here good
the crusade needs you specifically it needs your ship it doesn't really need you it just needs the
ship why you see we have a delivery that must be made to the force moon of finbria four your
vessel is the only one that has the requisite cargo capabilities to deliver it
uh-huh you know we could take whatever you need to deliver it to the force moon of finbria four
the ship kind of doesn't leave our possession
well yes of course you can keep your dust barge i don't want anything to do with it
instead we have lander crafts that are going to travel up to your vessel to fill it with the
requisite containers the landing craft will then deposit the containers and i
suppose per the orders of the crusades that i have here
you are allowed to keep these landing craft after they have finished their duties
seems a bit good to be true but okay i guess we get things less prone to fail
these landers are filled with well these landers will be transporting containers
that are filled with goods directly delivered on the words of the primarch
of course wonderful gifts
you
you
you
you
you
you
They are crucial supplies for the ongoing war effort on the fourth moon of February 4.
And will we be...
We will just be delivering them, correct?
We're just performing a courier mission.
Yes, the landers will embark on your vessel.
You will transport them to the moon.
They will depart down to the surface.
However, you will also go down to the Astra Militarum base on the moon
as a sign of morale and good cheer, Perseid Primarch's orders.
I believe we could do that, couldn't we?
Of course, that seems fairly straightforward.
Although, I get the feeling, and pardon me for being impolite,
but I have a feeling there's something not being said about this.
Can I roll insight?
Absolutely, you can.
As you say...
As you say that, though, the governor looks at you.
Why would you say that?
Why would you impugn my honor like this?
Okay, so you get a...
You'll be my good ass, huh?
Wow, thanks, Pi.
All right, you get a five on that check, Captain Zedek.
So five successes is enough for you to know that the planetary governor's
not used to dealing with orders that come his way.
Particularly, he's trying to shuffle this off,
because it's an order that has come into the system
from an outside superior,
and he does not like being bossed around at all.
Oh, I don't mean to insult your honor at all.
I just...
Dealing with unsavory folks
and dealing with taking orders from other people
is just something that we all have to get used to
in this great, wonderful, wide imperium.
But for that mission, then...
For a moment after you speak,
there is just the silent sound of grinding teeth
from the planetary governor.
Yes, quite.
Governor Zelensk, we will do this task as we are well.
We have assisted you before.
We will assist you again on your behalf.
However, I would like to point out
the Crusade fleet is needed elsewhere, and as are we.
We will do this task for you.
You will not do it for me.
You will do it for the Primarch.
This is from the Primarch's orders.
It must be completed.
Yes, but that was the implication, Governor.
Good.
Well, you can go.
The landers are already preparing.
You will see them on the lower dock.
He gives a little wave to sort of send you off.
Reap's going to get up out of the chair,
and he's going to...
make another note.
He's starting to take more notes
on all the things that need to be written down.
And he will make a note next to Governor Zelensk's name.
Does not like serving the Crusade.
And he will stow away his paper.
Yeah, Zelensk has already stopped paying attention to you
and has gone back to whatever, like,
note-keeping or file-taking he has at his desk.
Captain Zedek'll stand up from the chair
and begin to walk out before stopping, turning about,
and speaking back to Governor Zelensk.
Oh, and Governor Zelensk.
Yes?
You may want to better your appearance next time.
I noticed a bit of effluence on your jacket near the collar.
Perhaps invest in some better rejuvenate.
Anyways, bye!
Get out!
Those...
oh damn when he gets to insult my piece of shit shit but my party members and myself
shit dog rebreathe with the passive aggression zedek with the active aggression all right
like me and somebody else like has like sideways wearing caps in the back i'm going oh i'm just
basically high manning up zedek yeah absolutely uh you go back into the changing room which is
adjacent and then it opens to the sort of perpetual drizzle of the outside but as the
doors open to the outside in the upper dock that you're on you can see below you are several larger
hexagonal docks which are now home to about a half a dozen immense lander craft that are
currently loading on stacks upon stacks of large munitorum crates
uh can i go and
uh can i go and
speak with any of the individuals who are in charge of piloting these
uh yeah absolutely uh you can you can head on down there there's basically like a little
catwalk side that leads down towards that area from where you are
you can see that there's probably a dozen menials and about
maybe a hundred loading servitors that are going about their business
are there any um who could i see that is directing
this operation because i'm assuming zalensk is not doing that because he has obviously more
important things to do than direct something he doesn't want to deal with no um you can
certainly read give me an awareness test if you'd like
i'll give you a seven and a glory yeah absolutely so like as you're looking around trying to get a
sense of who could possibly be in charge here uh there's like the the almost momentary relief as
you see uh prefect amalda the the young woman you'd met previously who'd provided you so much
information who is out with a a slight uh like rain protective jacket over her head uh directing
with hand signs to to a group of menials on where to to move these boxes
oh hi and she like rushes over to you sloshing through the rain
hi i was wondering if you would you were all gonna come here oh
this is this is great i i'm sorry lauren i don't have the fenrisian tea here
oh uh next time i'll try to think of something to serve it in the rain that's up
i'm sorry
we have come from a very long journey and we had to talk to the terrible stupid wig man
his nerves are fried i it is the unexpected when you have nerves that are
still made out of sinew and meat and whatever racism aside pie yes we have come because we are
going to be taking control of this small fleet of landers with all these supplies to the well
where we are destined to go of course yes the the war supplies for fimbria four
all right are you coordinating this effort oh i'm just handling logistics down here on the server
just to make sure everything gets loaded in their proper vessels so that when they're deposited into
the the militarum base that they'll go in the right rows there's there's a specific order to
everything and i'm just making sure that everything is in its right place at its right time first
about how big are these landers um so they are like fairly fairly sizable like we're talking maybe
like six to eight times this the capacity of
like a single harvest lighter uh in fact you could probably tell that they could be modified to like
carry two or three mainline battle tanks on them if necessary and we can fit these on our ship
oh yeah i'm assuming we have to of course but sure can absolutely um
amalda i have a question for you oh okay so these ships of course are going for the war effort
but they will not be terribly useful beyond ferrying the supplies off of our ship onto the
field correct um well they're they're they're certainly very sturdy trusted vessels you could
do a lot of transport if you if you were to get into the transportation industry well this would
set up an entire rogue trader operation in some systems i see well i wasn't thinking perhaps of
setting up an entire road trader operation but
i was curious amalda could you you are handling the logistics would it be possible to fudge the
numbers slightly and let us shall we say take any excess that you may have for keeps of course
there is the anime moment where there's just a reflection in her glasses of pure
light that like obscures her eyes fudge the numbers uh what kind of social skill would you like to give
no sir oh no uh i will tell you what i'll do okay because you say social yes but i want to possibly
take a scholarly approach to this all right
well amalda you see it is only logical that of course our ship being understaffed and
under equipped for our operations we would need a considerable amount of more material
of course we have a small fleet of harvest lighters but surely you could understand that
such a large ship maybe a couple of these few maybe 20 or so would certainly be a sufficient
amount to keep aboard our ship for our operations and of course logically speaking it holds more
space than an harvest lighter wouldn't it not give me your scholar check give me give me give
me your scholar check sure hey fellas can i do uh can i take the glory
yes i'm just helping you win so her accounting stand doesn't beat the out of you
that sucks i'm going to re-roll that absolutely a four yeah
seven seven she she sort of like leans back and then the the ominous lighting in her eyes
disappears back to her kind smile oh oh well as i i thought the planetary governor would have said
but but you're going to be allowed to keep the the six vessels we're giving you you're going to be
allowed to keep the six vessels we're giving you i see he did not state this yeah all six of them
you get to keep uh well i guess they go to captain zedek but but they're part of your your ship's
roster after this in fact they even have some some armaments on them i think these ones have some
some uh hull mounted turret auto cannons and one of them even has an old pattern uh a laz garden
captain zedek's just standing in the background dollar signs in his eyes just kind of
pie and i i guess lauren lauren wants to be part of this too uh just running over calculations of
how much money we can possibly make setting up trade networks i also just love the idea that
like we cut to your point of view as you're looking over these landing craft and like
little like credit signs are popping up off different components
these auto cannon capacities will be very profitable as were the last cannons and uh
it's good that they have them yes it was very curious that governor zalansk
failed to mention this and that guy was a weirdo who even knows but what i do know is this um that
obtaining things is very good speaking of which
the
i
will
go
wondering if um maybe while we are here on big hive world that sucks and is bad if anyone maybe
would uh be benefited by attempting to requisition something from the markets or the chartist
captains well like i guess not well okay i'm glad i brought it up yeah it's okay we're proud of you
oh well uh you i'm sure you'll do fine the journey's fairly short anyways um
and i've got all of the the containers ready to go they'll be put in the adjoining storage
bays and she passes a data slate over to you captain zedek that seems to like perfectly
detail how she's maximized the efficiency of your space to fill your cargo holds with all of these
these containers wow you've certainly done a bang-up job on organizing all this data
that i would inevitably pass down to a subordinate i do have a question though amalda
oh yes of course my colleague reed did bring up a very good point earlier
if you are privy to that information and i suppose you would have to be with everything
that you know here with the well the logistics going on about how many say containers full of
food or rations how many go missing how many supplies go missing on a regular
b
with me in charge none
fair very fair now how often do you have a subordinate or how does often somebody else
take over i'm going to put a hand on zedek's shoulder say dick the light hits her her
glasses once again exactly once
now what would be say the likelihood of oh i don't know an untimely accident giving you a vacation
or just a day off
or just a day off work that some inept menial that could inevitably be thrown under the
bus to say let an extra i don't know said dick you are dealing with forces outside of
your control you need to be very careful as you approach this and the words that you're
dealing with a powerful logistician let him captain zedek looks back at brain just like
credit signs or z's and as i as if we're going to go by the uh zettabucks yeah zettabucks
uh just looks back at him i know what i'm doing it's the art of the deal my friend it's
the art of the deal my friend it's the art of the deal my friend it's the art of the
deal my friend it's the art of the deal my friend it's the art of the deal my friend it's
the art of the deal my friend it's the art of the deal my friend they're
the art of the deal my friend it's the art of the deal my friend it's the art of the
deal my friend it's the art of the meas up
of the deal my friend it's the art of the deal my friend she's reeling off the corner
please
of the deal my friend she's reeling off the corner please give me some kind of social
of the deal my friend she's reeling off the corner please give me some kind of social
of the deal my friend she's reeling off the corner please give me some kind of social skill check but i can
please give me some kind of social skill check but i can
please give me some kind of social skill check but i can punish you for you here or
skill check but i can punish you for you here or
skill check but i can punish you for you here or you distance you hear like you probably
hear like ransom in the distance captain no that man had a failed business career
i would like to roll persuasion absolutely
wow all right i'm gonna
incredible one and a complication too and a complication oh so good it is ordained
okay um
oh gosh all right all right um i am i'm going to use this one this seems like really really
really really good in this situation it's kind of a an open-ended complication but someone has
taken our memes to heart and has put in reeb will remember that by to brosif um which
means
that reeb will remember this incident and it will have some consequence later on as the message
pops up on the screen um however prefect amalda even with the six does not budge and like just
gives you the smile with her glasses still reflecting the sort of atmospheric lights of
the evening oh i don't take vacation i'm a very diligent worker
well can't blame it
captain for triumph
i have seen men swallowed whole by the maze i have seen what happens when you go up against
an efficient system for civil maintenance i think you must try to be in the future
i i calculated the odds i just i'm not i'm not very good at math anyways it looks like
everything's ready to go uh all the containers will be located on the map and i'm going to go
on the pre-described locations i also took the opportunity to do some further cleaning up of
your other cargo holds to maximize efficiency i've actually opened up two cargo holds that
were previously full of um various goods and copies of zedekit that were just improperly
stored in inefficient patterns when you say optimize what did you do with the various copies
of those materials i.e the books stacked them they weren't stacked before
i
am
going to
clinical
so
it wasn't
surgery
You know what? I don't question what goes on
in the cargo hold. That is
beyond my scope of wanting to deal
with that. But thank you, I appreciate it.
Which nation-state operates out
of the cargo hold again?
I think it's the Beef Kings, but I don't
know what's happened to them since.
You know, the thing.
Oh yes.
The thing.
It is important, however...
Um...
Apologies for interrupting, Lorne. Carry on.
Oh, that's all I said. I interrupted.
My bad. Keep going.
No, no, no, no, no. I just simply wanted to say
that all of the Primarch's contents
are gene-locked to the
kernel of the base you'll be traveling to.
She will have the requisite codes
to open the containers
for the requisite supplies.
I believe it's mostly military supplies.
I apologize that you have
to go down to the surface yourselves. I did
try to explain to the Planetary Governor that
that would not be a good idea, given the
current circumstances on the planet.
But he took the
letters of the Crusade to their
most fine extent
and declared that you would have to travel
down to the base for a short time.
Was it said that we'd have to
go down there, or was it
not implied that we'd
have to visit?
It was something
I thought we could have got around, but
alas, I don't think we can.
And to answer your question, I guess
the current state with the war zone there.
Hmm.
Well, you know, how's it going?
Are we doing good?
Are we winning?
Well,
as far as I was
last informed, the green skins
have been contained.
Oh!
Well, that's not bad then.
I mean, how bad could it be? You know, you're
treating it like it's this very scary
misadventure that's going to happen, and a bunch
of unexpected, terrible things will happen
to us, and we'll be trapped in another
life-or-death situation at each
different military base. How bad could it be?
Oh, no, and I
am correct in saying that the green
skin threat has been contained. We've simply
had to increase the size of
the exclusion zone by
120% since
the last attack.
Who's gonna pinch the bridge of his nose?
Ah.
Uh, you didn't realize that
containment does not
resolve simply by
increasing the size of the bag you're
holding it in.
According to the Imperial Uplifting
Primer, there are situations
where that is an effective
strategy, and I believe the
Militarum commanders there have deemed that the
current effective strategy.
She is smiling
so uncomfortably right now.
Ah, the
Imperial Uplifting Primer.
What a great book.
I'm glad I don't own one.
You can't beat bureaucracy
now, Reeb.
Oh, this does remind me of something,
actually.
Amalda?
Yes?
You would say you are rather skilled in the
art of keeping track of
information, yes? I mean, of course
you are. Why would I even ask that question?
Uh,
we have recently had
a new position aboard
the ship open up
that I have had to fill, of course,
this being, uh, accountant.
As it were.
Zedek's skill at keeping
tabs on his money
is rather
poor.
And I'm being
charitable when I say poor.
Why you gotta
come for my mans like this?
I mean, Reeb does remember
that.
All right, let me ask you something.
If
you lost all of your limbs,
do you think we have the components to
fix them? Do you think we
have the spares to replace
them should they be blown off?
I just imagine there's a flashback
in Pi's mind to Gamu
with the Phi Nuag Medic with the
Grya writing on it.
We need a new accountant. It is very
important to us that we achieve some level
of competence with the accounting.
Not a new accountant. I am
looking for people to assist
under me in order to keep the
books straight, as it were.
We need someone to lift up Reeb
very tall so he can reach the top shelf
that has all the important accounting information.
Make us free money.
We have ladders on the ship.
We have elevators. We have literally things
that exist.
This extremely roundabout way of both
insulting Zedek and praising your skill aside,
would you be interested
in joining us aboard the debt collector?
Oh.
I apologize. I can't quite
leave right now. I'm in the middle of
tax audit season. It's really busy
here. What if we burn
tax audit papers and you get to come
anyway? No.
She turns and looks at you.
Oh, Lorne. You're such a
joker.
I ain't fucking kidding. I'll burn it.
Oh.
Um.
I'll consider it. You'll be back
here again, I'm sure. We can talk about it then.
Yes. I imagine
you will be, uh, I imagine there may be
an opening very soon in regards to the
planetary governor's position. But that aside,
I don't want that.
Oh, I don't want that. I'm just a humble accountant.
Oh, no. Not that, of course. Just
saying.
We don't have the requisite XP
and stats to recruit her yet.
Sadly.
Listen, it's not about that. It's about
giving her no other options.
Wow. We're good at that.
Who are you, Pi?
No. He just
recognizes someone super competent and is
like, ah, yes, we need to find a way to get her
off this planet. What's the best way to do that?
Well, if we can't convince her to come with us, we may
as well give her no other choice.
Funny sociopathy.
Would you like
to join our group?
This is Rich coming from the both of you.
I wasn't actually asking. That was more
of a format. This conversation continues
as your harvest lighter
chugs back up to the debt collector.
I always hate
Rain World. I know we don't have to keep
going to Rain World.
What's wrong with Rain World? Well, you see,
there's the big man. He's very rude.
He gets very mad when I yell at him.
No one lets me throttle his stupid
elder brain. And then
we just walk around
and it's raining and, you know,
but it's not even a real ocean.
So it's like, what's going on?
But what understanding of your
home planet
and a bunch of water would require rain?
Well, there's nothing wrong with the rain,
but it's like, this is like Rain World.
It's not Ocean World. That's different.
This deep
conversation continues.
I didn't have anything else. I'm sorry.
I messed up.
You had
the perfect response, Lauren.
I could not continue
the bit. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Your bit is too stupid.
We cannot continue.
One of those I had many moments
where they say something just like out of
nowhere and nobody knows what to say and there's
just like some ambient sound effect
playing as they just stare off.
You return back to the debt
collector where each of you is allowed
to have a little bit of downtime
as the vessel takes on
the six large lander craft
which, as Imalda had indicated,
begin loading up all of the equipment
onto the vessel into the
prescribed locations.
All right, so,
can all of you roll me 2d6?
Sure thing.
I'll try.
You will get a five and a one from me.
Classic
one and a six. Max, roll one.
Ah, six, four.
Perfect.
Excellent. Okay.
This is what I like to see. All right.
So, starting with Piebrain. Pie, what are you
spending a little bit of your time on the ship
doing? Just like a real quick summary of what
you're doing. Oh, okay. I'm going to be
helping Reeb and waiting until he leaves.
What?
Yeah, what's Reeb doing?
What am I doing?
All right. Fine. Reeb, what are you
doing? I don't know, Thurston.
What am I doing? Is there anyone else you want to
ambush me with? Nope.
I'm good. What are you
spending your time doing?
All right. He's going to
Is this an actual, like, test or am I
just, like... No, no, no. This is just, like, a real
quick, like, one or two sentences. What are you doing,
like, on the ship as it's taking on this
and you're making your way to the ship? He's continuing accounting.
He's continuing to do accounting because
there's a lot to catch up on. There's a lot to complain
at Zedek about. Wow, Reeb,
do you need any help on all this accounting?
Can you assist
me with accounting without destroying the paperwork,
my chair, the room, or the
menials? Ah, no, sorry.
I guess I gotta go. All right.
So, I'm sorry.
Continue the Reeb thing.
Reeb, give me a scholar check.
No. Bye.
Yes. Well, Reeb was
going to give him a scholar check. He said,
pie. No, I said Reeb.
I said Reeb. I heard pie.
Okay.
It's okay. Right when that happened,
Rule 20 crashed on me. Ah, okay, there we go.
A ten. You are finding
all sorts of, like,
strange information
in Captain Zedek's books.
Uh, if you
didn't know any better,
you would get the sense that sales
of Zedekit are far too high
and that, like, some people are doing
things like buying
one copy of Zedekit for,
like, the price of, like,
a land car
in some cases, which makes no sense
to you. Uh, from your basic information
of, like, you know, knowledge
on, sort of, scholarly pursuits, you could
probably spend a bit more time doing
an investigation, but just from the data
you have, you're almost getting the
sense that, like, all of this Zedekit
stuff is some kind of elaborate
front.
Oh, bloody hell, it's a
cryptocurrency. No!
I hate it here.
Oh my god.
He's not even a rogue trader,
it's all a money laundering scheme.
Yeah, you know what, Thurston?
Yes? I'm gonna roll an investigation.
If Reeb is getting into this,
he wants to have less work to do later.
Absolutely.
No glory to take.
Do it up.
I'll give you an eight.
Uh, yeah, you're able to
start learning various, like,
inconsistencies, uh, which
you gather aren't
the results of Captain Zedek, because
Zedek has, like, almost nothing to do
with his own paperwork, but
instead it's just, like, various members
of the crew who have just taken
advantage of things over the past several
years.
Hmm. Well, I think some people's
uh, wills are going
to be a lot shorter very soon.
Reeb is going to start
uh, renouncing
their names on the ties to
various things aboard the ship,
and putting them under Zedek's name.
Okay, absolutely.
And so that is a process
that you continue on for the
days that they're going. Just so I know, who
specifically are the people, like,
I'm assuming, like, the leaders
of the shitty gangers aboard the lower
decks of the ship, but
who all is in on this? Is Ransom aboard
this? Is Belba on board this?
Is Lorne on board this?
What?
You're evil.
Oh, shut up.
I don't do anything with paperwork.
I dare not mess with people.
I literally, I would say,
it wouldn't be Reeb, because he doesn't want to
skim off Zedek's top dollar. It wouldn't
be Pi, because Pi is
probably not smart enough to do it, and probably
likes Zedek a bit too much to do it.
But what about Lorne? What about him?
I like how, uh,
I don't
want to say anything, because I want people to still believe
that Lorne can't read or write,
when he's secretly been the mastermind the entire
time.
Because everyone made this, like,
random assumption.
And I'm just like, we'll just go with it. Yeah,
yeah, and I don't really don't know how
to paperwork, Reeb.
Um,
Reeb, one other thing, you
find lots of crew names in various
ranks. A lot of, like, mid-ranking crew.
Um, but it also seems
like underneath the funneling of Zedekit,
there's also some kind of funneling
going on for what you can only gather
as protection money.
From people who don't want to be
murdered in the, like, mid and lower
decks. Murdered by
who?
So, uh, Pybrain,
what were you doing? Ah, I'm
really glad you asked me
that. Um, well,
I have, uh, of
course offered all the help I possibly can to, uh,
our dear friend Reeb, and therefore I must take my, uh, payment.
I'm running into the medical
lab. Okay.
You enter
the medical lab. He's too busy.
He's got, he's got full reign in him. Yeah.
But you better be prepared for the consequences
of your actions, mister. Now I have
a plan, okay? Alright.
Now, first things
first.
Gonna go up to our dearest
tech priestess.
Okay.
I'm unscrewing that leg.
Okay.
Unscrewing that leg.
I'm sorry, are you stealing her leg?
Yes. Okay. You can do that.
Reeb just didn't want to do it because he didn't want to
give her a synaptic shock.
Pyra shouldn't give a sh- Oh, okay. Wait, that's not
what that does. I'll allow this.
Please, uh, please give me a
tech check first. You got
it. You blow this.
I'm gonna cry.
If I blow this, I'm gonna cry, bro.
Yeah, I fucking believe in you. I'm gonna
be weeping for, like, days.
Oh, give me big number. Big
number. We need big number here.
I'm going to pump all of the glory
into this. Oh, we got
five, so sure. I don't want to
kill the dearest. It's all six.
Okay, all six.
I like that this is the exact
opposite of a glorious action, but
sure. It's glory
in its own way, really.
Sweet Christ, you blew it.
Wait, no, that's not all the- because that's not with
the six dice, because a high pay
is not two dice. Okay.
Roll 66.
Bye. Alright, so that is
the four, five, six,
seven, eight successes. Is
that enough?
Okay.
That is enough to act- to open
the tube and bypass the protective
measures that were put on it by
Reeb, expecting someone to go in and
tamper. Sure.
Enough to not give this person a heart attack?
Uh, I mean,
they seem to be, like, in some kind
of, uh, drug-induced sleep.
Uh, removing
the leg, however, is going
to require a Medicaid check.
Oh, not a tech check.
Correct.
Tarnation.
Wait, hang on.
Um, does she have
human legs?
I got it.
Does she have human legs?
Why do you think I'm asking
for a Medicaid check?
I figured at this point I'd know!
I probably- you probably
should have checked the leg first before you went to take it.
You probably should have asked!
I want to be shocked,
and I want to be appalled that we're stealing body parts
from the unconscious.
Now you're just gonna have one dangly
rebar leg, and then another
just overly attractive leg.
I just love that you're like,
ah, I'm gonna, like, you know,
sneak in, da-da-da-da-da-da,
open the bu- then look. Oh.
Of course,
Reeb knows this, I just don't.
Because he never
explained exactly what the gear was,
on this fucking tech priest.
So I just assume, ah, yeah, she probably looks like
fucking Magos Magorio, or whatever the hell
their name is. He's like, no,
she's got meat legs.
He's like, yeah, good.
But this is just impolite!
I'm very disappointed in you.
I say at the comatose woman.
Um,
I'll then restart
cold storage procedure.
Please give me a tech check.
I'm going to chokeslam you.
I love pie.
How bad
could it possibly be? I hate you
so much. Oh, those
you shouldn't have said those words. You
are dancing close to the
fire.
Will he receive?
Come on, pie.
Let's see what happens. My
talk is murdering me, oh god. Okay.
Let's go!
Yeah!
Uh,
oh, I'll spend my glory, if that's okay.
Oh my god.
Okay.
Sure, I'll let you spend it.
Alright, thank you. I now need to
re-roll. Cool.
Okay. Five
successes. Wait, I get the glory
too.
We
did it, right? Five successes!
I'm gonna throttle
you.
Was that
meant to be a tech or a Medicaid check?
Okay. That's a tech, that's a tech.
Is he trying to re-see?
Yeah, I'm trying to just undo what I did.
Oh, okay.
So, I'm going to use this just absolute
latest, uh, one we have
here, cause it's perfect.
Uh, it's entitled, uh,
Rube Goldberg'd
by Lays Verbeestman.
Which is,
your check, whether successful or not, causes
a domino effect of misfortunes that
result in the destruction of the environment
and possible injury of
bystanders.
So, as
you, like, seal this thing
up, you do trigger
some of the safety measures that had been placed
on it, and so you see just electricity
arcing, but since it was
this protection was originally intended to
basically be like a zapper for anyone trying
to get in, since you've already closed it,
the electricity doesn't have anywhere to properly
go, and so it starts arcing around
the equipment in the room,
and you can see, like, all of the medical
equipment starts to just, like,
pop, and then, like, a few of the
patients that are, like, undergoing,
you know, routine treatments from
Rieb, like, one of them was just
here to get, like, the common cold.
The energy just arcs through them and
there's, like, this sudden shaking and
foaming of mouths as they all fall
down, like, quite dead on
their stretchers after
this, um, cavalcade of
energy goes through the room.
You
are in big trouble.
Well...
Uh-oh.
Oh, but the
person in the pod is totally okay.
Silver linings,
Thurston.
Well, um...
Oh, uh,
Thurston, uh, may I
use my remaining wrath
to make a narrative declaration?
Oh, I always love these. Please.
There,
among the security measures,
was an alarm
tied directly to,
uh, Rieb's data slate.
Oh,
absolutely.
On the distant portion of the ship,
there is a buzzer
going off, followed
by...
I'm just
gonna go ahead and get this over with.
Uh, I'm gonna find some flammable material
and just set myself on fire.
What?
I'm like,
I'm gonna take damage, I'm not gonna
care, I'm just gonna be nonchalant. I'll be like, alright,
yep, here we go. I can imagine, uh,
Rieb finally getting to the room and just seeing
just, like, uh, just
Pybrine just standing there with all
the fucked up tubing and shit, and
he'll just go, Doc, I'm sorry!
And he's just, everything's in flames.
I was like, I'm just gonna take flammable material
and set fire to the medbay. Just, like,
really double down on it.
I was like, I'm in for a penny.
You'll come in on
Py, like, holding flammable
material.
I'm fixing it!
It's under control!
I was gonna say,
next up was gonna be Lorne. What are you
doing with your time on the ship, Lorne?
No, yeah, Lorne, go please.
Oh no. That has been such
an excellent question. What-
Let's- I need you guys to help me out.
What the fuck do psykers
do on their off time?
Not explode.
Even with the Emperor. Yeah. Pray to the Emperor.
I mean, it's probably a little easier to commute
with a guy now. That's it? Form- form
bonds and relationships with fellow
crew members. I mean, yeah, what the-
like, what does Lorne do?
You know, that- I-
I haven't figured that out yet.
I- I guess I'll-
Wait. Zoran.
He's Fenrisian, isn't he?
Yes.
What if he was inspired
by our little trip to the bar
on, you know, Shady Rock?
Do I just drink myself to death
every time we get to the deck? I was gonna say, you set up
a bar and- I'm inspired
to drink excessively!
No, no, I- That's the spirit.
We'll take that idea and we'll- we'll twist
it around. Lorne has set up his
own bar.
Oh, hell yes.
oh hell yes called the barking wolf or whatever and he's just serving various people in the deck
collector he's like he's wearing his whole entire outfit changes he's in like the whole nice suit
thing little bow tie that you can never see under his beard he's just he's just serving people
various drinks and bits and bobs like he's having such a good time he's super he's he's cleaned up
instead of like a matted hair and all this other stuff he's nicely combed there's oil in the beard
all this other stuff come to lawrence lawrence's fun don't watch yeah you've got you've got like
five people sitting at your bar uh they're all just like asking drinks when people come in
you know like you know like with cheers or whatever it just says like everybody complicates
and it just continues but they're with a looping theme song for the entire bar
that's yeah background and you you you clearly are there actually there's
four of them
four-seated, and then the fifth one walks in
and the music plays, and they wave at you.
Hi,
Lone!
Ah, it's Ted!
It's me!
It's me! Ironhand's ex-
Admech forever! He sits down.
Yeah, whatever the fuck you said.
What can I do you for?
Uh,
I'll take whatever you've got,
because that's about all you can hope for on this ship.
I have a lot, actually.
I have choices this time.
Uh, yeah, we'll just do Fendricity
now, because that's the only thing I can do off the top of my head.
Here you go.
Alright. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
Uh, so do you, like, are you trying to make friends with these
people? Like, are you trying to build up, like, a social
network through your bar?
Oh, sure. Like, I'm trying to figure out what's going
on in the debt collector, figure out the wide
information of the world and galaxy,
all sorts of things.
And also trying to learn, you know,
I'm also trying to gather information on
who the murderer has been in the debt collector
all this time. Who is this? Oh, this is
what your bar is for. This is my day job. Excellent.
Alright, what, uh, what skill
do you want to use for this,
Lorne?
What skill do you want to use for this?
Mastery!
Uh, I have
nothing good. The issue that I went
so far into second mastery. What skill would you like
to use for this, Lorne?
Shagic mastery?
You gave me an option. Justify it.
Justify it.
Uh,
I'm reading their minds. I don't fucking...
I'm sorry. I'm
unprepared today.
I am not going to be funny today.
Do it up. Give me some
psychic mastery. Basically, I'm using
psychic mastery to detect any
warping. Fuck, I don't know. Wait, I'm sorry.
Are you, so are people coming into your bar
and walking up to them? You're like,
yeah, here, have a nice glass of drink
or something. And then you put your hands
to their head like it's Shadow of Mordor
and just say, like, give your
mind to me.
I'm staring deeply to their eyes as I serve
them.
Drinks. I'm just going,
so how's shit going?
What did you see today? And then I'm just
like, trying to gather from...
Then the Shadow of Mordor, like, zooms
in on your eye and you see their shit.
So here's a problem, by the way.
Yep. Uh, there was some
influence of the world in my role instead
of giving me a glory. Complicated.
Oh, okay.
Well, that's always fun.
Let's see.
On a psychic mastery. So how many
D6s do I roll?
Oh.
Uh, well, let's...
I did get a 10 on the second mastery test for audio people.
Oh, I know what we're...
Oh, I know what we're doing here.
This is perfect.
Um,
alright, so we're going to use a variation.
Thank you, Mechanicus Inept,
for this lovely warp-based thing.
Unwanted warp transposition.
So, as
Reeb is rushing towards
the burning medical wing
that Pi has set up,
Lauren is shaking up.
Drinks and greeting people
and trying to pierce into their minds
and then has, like, a moment of
psychic mishap and
trades places with Pi Brain.
Oh!
Oh!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Okay, what is... Okay, I don't drink,
so this is always awkward for me.
What is the most flammable,
like...
I don't know if it's, like, Everclear or something.
The most flammable alcohol we can think of.
I assume you're just making, like,
yeah, moonshine, which is probably...
Like, Fenrisian moonshine?
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Fenrisian ale is flammable by default.
I think it is, yeah.
I think, like, they actually talk about
how, like, non-space marines can't drink
some of their drinks, too, so...
Yeah.
So, Reeb is running down the hall.
Door opens.
There is just this static energy mess
and Lauren is standing there.
And I'm about to pour
the bottle as if I'm about to
pull it all over the console.
It's like, oh, of course,
here, let me get you some...
What the fuck?
Hey, Thurston,
is there a...
Is there a stat roll for
ten times firebomb?
Oh, no.
I mean, possibly?
Because
you need to realize, if Pi
was causing damage all over the place
in there,
he keeps
medical ethanol in there.
Oh, no.
Uh-oh.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Um, I think this brings us
to Captain Zedek
real quick.
Captain Zedek, what are you
doing with your little
time off on the ship?
Captain Zedek,
in true not doing
what he should for the mission ahead
fashion, is actually
exploring the lower decks this time.
And trying to patch relations
with his disenfranchised employees.
And trying to get some testimonials
to rework their, uh,
abysmal vacation schedule.
Yeah, it's very interesting.
Um, the lower decks have changed
quite significantly since you were last
down in them. Um,
they're primarily more dog-like.
As it seems, the
Turalyon Dog Soldier Mercenaries you've
brought on board have a, uh,
belief of aggressive expansion.
Um,
ah.
So, several
of them are like, ah, good day
Captain! As, as they like
wave and greet you as you
walk through areas that were clearly
once belonged to different gangs
on board the ship, but now have been
entirely repurposed, uh,
with war banners of the Mercenary
Company.
There used to be a lot
more angry people here, and now there's
some debatably
placid dogmen.
Oh, nothing placid about us!
We got in a bit of rough and tumble with
those Rattlings, and we sent them packing
down another deck level.
Ruff!
Is that the Rattlings
down deeper into the ship?
Yes! Who would
have thought that there were deeper levels than this?
But I suppose they found them!
Ruff!
I get
that's kind of your thing to, like, establish
a forward operating base,
within the ship. Dominance!
We establish dominance!
Yes, Ruff! Yes, dominance.
But,
did you have to send them down lower into the decks?
There's worse things down there, and they were the first
people we brought on board.
I had to go find the Rattlings, too, and I hate
talking to them, because they all creep me out!
Except for Tater Tot. I like him.
I like
you, too! And coming out from
the mass of dog soldiers is Tater Tot
bedecked in, like,
war plate with, like, a,
almost medieval knight helm
made out of, like, different
chunks of metal, holding
some kind of hodgepodge spear.
Hey, champ!
What have you been up to?
Clearly realizing what he's been up to.
Ah, yes! This little
one here has become something of a
mascot for us soldiers.
Ruff!
Oh, I like these puppies!
What have they been teaching you,
Tater Tot?
How to achieve victory!
Uh, yeah, that's about right.
Yeah.
So, uh, you don't mind if I just
take him back, right?
Uh, of course not. Of course not.
He was important for the battle, but the battle is over.
We have established our dominion here.
Ruff!
Uh, your
vox begins to chime.
Yes, what is it?
Captain?
Yes, Ransom?
Um, the Astropath would like to see
everyone right away, Captain.
Uh, you and your companions.
But, um, before that,
I have a question.
Go ahead.
Did you, um,
comply with Gamu's
maintenance request
3-29-
Alpha-Beta-
5678?
Ransom, 8.
Ransom,
you know there is a laundry list
of demands, which I have not yet
met, but remind me specifically
what that one was.
Uh, fire suppression unit
in Medbay, sir.
I thought I did?
Captain Zedek, do you have
any kind of skill check you would like
to put forward for
Did You Remember To Do This?
Man, fuck, that's a good question.
Uh, depends.
If I honestly want to outright fail,
I could do awareness.
Oh, fuck.
I love that you want to hurt
your fellow players.
I don't want to hurt them.
And I love that that Pibrain is fucking cackling
in the bar he's appeared in.
You know, just like happily
jumping up and down, like,
Yes! Everything is coming up, Pibrain!
Finally, something like nice!
And then we'll walk out
and, like, immediately be in the middle of, like,
the war zone, doing the Torellian dog soldiers.
It's like a terrible pitched battle.
He's gonna be like, Yes!
And that's gonna be how he's spending the rest of his day.
Very good.
Roll awareness for this.
Yeah, do it.
Zero.
Oh.
You wanna, uh,
You wanna roll it?
Roll that one.
Okay, here you go.
A one.
Do you want to put some glory?
I hear her laughing!
Oh, fuck.
He's not gonna pass, Zoran.
I can try.
You wanna put that glory behind it, chick?
I sure do!
You can re-roll the one, cause you spent
round two.
Oh, boy.
Yes, Zedek. Re-roll the one, too.
So we cut back to the
roiling inferno of
the Med Wing.
Ah! Ah! Ah!
What? Ah!
Reeb, you
enter in the door, seeing the inferno.
Uh, so you know
the doors are, like,
I assume I'd have to make some kind of check
for this, but I just wanna ask. The doors
are sliding doors, right?
Yeah, like pneumatic, like
slide to the side. Can Reeb
kick it off its hinges?
Yes.
Okay.
He does so. Yeah.
Yeah, you are just, you're
powered by rage at this point.
Oh, no.
What in the hell is happening in here?
I, I, I, I didn't know, I didn't know,
I didn't know, Reeb. I, I, I was
serving drinks and wine, and now
I'm here? Who's this? What's
going on? Who are you serving drinks to?
I, I, did people attack, and
I didn't know this. I, I,
I hide the bottle, cause I now
realize I poured it everywhere.
And I'm just, I, I,
I can explain, I can explain, okay?
Uh, there's this thing called
the, uh, I, I didn't do it.
I didn't do it.
Please believe me. I didn't have time to worry about that!
You do something! Put out these
fires! Everyone's dying!
Uh, uh, I, I
cast Crush on the fire.
Hell
yes. Okay, uh, Thurston,
can I, can I make a roll to find
any, like,
fire suppressant? It's, obviously we don't have an
automated system for it. Absolutely.
Do we have anything? Yeah, give me, give me
an awareness, and Lorne, give me your Crush
attempt. I got a six.
Okay,
yeah, you're, you're, like, quickly
putting out the fires.
Uh, you find,
you find one.
With the two, you do manage to find
a fire suppressant unit. However,
you immediately take a look at
the expiration date,
and realize that it is
five years overdue, with
several markers post that, from
like, like, Gamu's
debuggers indicating, like, last
checked with Captain On, last checked
with Captain On. I'm going
to shove this fire suppressant
down Zedek's throat!
And as you yell that, Lorne
finishes crushing out the rest of the fires
in here. I fix it, I
fix it! I did not!
There's literally just
smoke, and, and
like, crushed medical
equipment, and glass, and even
a few of the, um, the medical,
like, stretcher beds have been, like,
crushed.
Reba's going to
approach the,
where Lorne, is Lorne is standing directly
in front of
the tech priestess, correct? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lorne, why
on Earth?
The door is, like, slightly ajar, but
all the, all the, like, machines are
active, yeah?
Uh, the door is now sealed, but, like, you can
tell it was recently accessed.
Lorne, why are you opening
up her casket? She's not
recovered yet. I, I, I
didn't, I, I don't even know how
to. I, I
just appeared here.
You appeared
here? I was serving drinks,
and then I tried to, like,
delve into someone's mind,
to understand their psyche, to
find the murderer and debt collector,
and then I was here.
But,
but then you found the murderer
and the debt collector, all right.
But the alarms
on the, on the casket,
I set them up to go off if anyone tried
to interact with them. What, what?
And I appeared here,
and then you
burst down your own door.
The room is fucking smoking.
There's, like, char, burnt bodies,
destroyed medical equipment,
shattered materials, and everything
Rebus tried ever so hard to keep.
Some semblance of normalcy
aboard this ship is now a complete
and utter wreck. Yes. And the
one thing that people continue to
mess with is the tech priestess,
who is not fixed yet,
and he's going to sit
on a burnt-up bed and
think.
Um,
hello, your vox is all crackled.
Hello, Reeb, Lorne,
um, Plybrain,
this is Lieutenant Ransom.
You're needed, uh, at
the Astropath, or, at the
Astropath's quarters immediately.
Lorne?
You can, you can go through,
you have cameras in here, right?
Thurston,
do I have cameras in here?
Do we have a budget for that?
Hey, hey, Captain Zedek.
Could you do me another
role of some sort to see if you
put budget forward to fix the cameras?
I appreciate now that I
did, like, any time there's anything about the
tech collector, the questions don't
have to come to me. They have to come to me.
Boat.
This is a fine boat.
Yeah, I
don't, I don't want to give you an awareness test
for that. That ain't gonna go so well.
Which, uh, what skill do you wanna use?
You wanna give me leadership
to see if you're, you're, like, cause
you, you, you seem like one of those
managers who probably likes keeping
cameras on your employees.
Oh, 600%.
Zedek does not trust the people on this ship.
That's a three.
Hey, Zedek.
Hey, Zedek, you got, like, a
wrath point there. You gotta, you gotta
get a little dice there to solve it.
Yeah, you gotta, you gotta, right there.
You wanna, you wanna send in that little
wrath point to help your buds out?
I don't know. Are you making a narrative declaration to say there's cameras
that are very obvious in the room instead?
Uh, yeah, I'll allow
that, too. Sure.
Yeah, there, there are absolutely cameras
that are there.
There are little signs that are dangling down
that says, ignore me, or this is not a
camera.
There is an actual, like,
fake camera in the room, which has
a sign below it that says, this is a camera.
I am watching you.
Oh, absolutely.
And it's very obviously fake.
In fact, it's falling apart like the rest of the ship.
Reeve is, like, he's,
he's looking, he's, like, half-heartedly
looking. He's mostly just got his head in his hands
in, like, despair.
Who, who
would cause this damage? Who would be
this malicious?
I wanted the legs, but they're flesh!
They're pointless for him!
It turns on, and you
see the culprit. Wait, DM?
Oh, no. Yes?
I,
while he was down below,
venting.
I think
he had a crisis of conscience.
Okay. Does he now?
And I think that he is,
ignoring the summons.
Will do what he believes is right.
Oh, fuck.
So he's gonna grab a fire
suppression unit.
I thought you said he's gonna grab some more gas
and burn down the bar. Yeah, run, run,
run back up to the medbay.
And likely
the moment
either after or just
before that he
gets that camera working,
Pi is going to burst open
the door and just start spraying
fire extinguisher everywhere
in an attempt to try to
fight the fires
that no longer exist.
Mark Pi down the rat point
for this beautiful narrative declaration.
As Reeb and Lauren
are like looking at the camera data and
clearly see the like
Elmer Fudd-esque
Pi enter the room,
prepare to
get into the device, and that's when the door
doesn't even open because
it's already been broken open.
That's when Pi comes in, probably
shouting while dousing all of you
in flame-retardant goo.
Everyone get down into the fire!
Just everywhere.
Everywhere. No doubt
covering Reeb and Lauren.
So, um,
I have a proposition, everybody.
Can we rename
Warhams to Space Station
13 shenanigans?
That's the 13th bit.
Right up
until the point where I scoop out
Pi's brain and put it in
Officer Beepski.
You see, that's how he
walks around, in a Beepski.
Jeez. He is Officer
Beepski. This sucks.
Oh no!
And with that,
I think we
are cutscenes
skipping ahead to the aftermath.
With, uh,
clearly, Lauren and Reeb
are still doused in, like,
flame-retardant
detritus, as they have met
up with Zedek to go and meet
with the ships after.
Lauren's got a Mr. Whippy on his head.
Oh, this fucker again,
Jesus. I didn't have time
to waste going back up to put
Tater Tot somewhere safer, so Tater Tot's just
kinda riding on his shoulders.
Oh gosh, in the little armor?
Yeah, in the little armor.
Yeah, absolutely.
Uh, and yeah, so the three of you
encounter, uh, Zedek with, like,
armored knight Tater Tot
on his shoulder in the
entrance to the immense
warehouse-like factory that is the ship
Astropath Winnik Rivet's domain.
Oh, hey
guys.
Hi!
I didn't do it.
I'm just licking my hands.
Is that a
good look at all of them, just completely
disheveled, or covered
in goo, and just
knows not to ask?
Uh, ready for another
exciting conversation
with the Astropath?
Yes.
Uh...
You just hear this, like,
sound coming from deeper.
That sounds like the Astropath
is up and around!
Let's go find
Mr. Rivet.
Yeah, and you find
in the center of the immense warehouse-like
space, uh, that
Winnik Rivet is sitting in a
circle of candles
that is arranged like the
great Aquila symbol of the
Imperium, and with
him basically in between
the two heads of the Aquila.
The racks of weapons here appear
to have increased only slightly since
your last visit, and Rivet
is clearly in some kind of
trance
as he is speaking.
Can I identify
what he's saying?
With a roll?
Yeah, absolutely.
What kind of roll do you want to give me?
Why do you ask me
these questions that you know the
answer to? Because
I like it.
Why do you want to look into his mind? Are you
crazy? Yes.
I look into his mind with a six
of psychic mastery.
You touch his
mind, and through it, you
sort of piggyback off what he's seeing
of the empiric occurrence
and hearing these
terrifying
sounds coming
from the warp. And then
you're shot back into your body,
breathing heavily, as you realize
that there are
countless eyes,
all staring in at
this system.
Oh.
Did you see it?
Did you see it?
Hang on. Did you see it?
Describe it
to me.
The eyes. So many eyes
out there. All the eyes are looking at us.
All on
the system. All the eyes.
It seems everyone's
curious about what's going to
happen.
There's so many eyes.
There's so many eyes.
There's so many eyes.
There's so many eyes.
Come talk with us
when I exit
the Mindscape.
Yeah, and, like, you see
Winnick's head turn
towards you, and he stands up
sort of brushing his robes. They're
still filthy.
Thank you very much for coming here.
Thank you very much for coming here.
Of course. Why did you summon
us here, Mr. Rivet?
No, I'm just...
I'm just...
I'm just...
Yeah.
Right, right, right.
Many, many eyes. Many eyes.
All eyes looking at us. All the eyes
looking at us.
Yeah, when they primed
his mind, they were looking at
the planet we're heading to.
There were many eyes.
I can only surmise that
a lot of people
are very interested in what's
going to be happening there.
Well,
that sounds pretty important,
but any more
details?
And it's like
his hands are shaking and almost
outstretched, like...
I'll let him hold the radium pistol.
No, but we have
very nice, very good...
Add this to my collection, makes me feel much better.
Okay, good.
Well, you can hold it.
Okay, well,
the eyes. There's eyes looking
in on the system. So many eyes.
Everything. Lots of eyes.
Lots of new eyes. Old eyes, too.
The same eyes that I saw back
then. The eyes that were looking at
the ship...
Looking at the ship again.
The same people
that did the terrible demon
breach.
No, no, no.
That was just evil, and he's like stroking the radium
pistol now.
The eyes after the
dead planet.
The big ship that came
after the dead planet.
I'm sorry,
what?
Wait, are you
referring to
Shady Rock?
Well,
the big ship that came after
the dead... I don't... No one ever comes and talks to me.
No one tells... No one tells Winnicrevet
anything.
Winnicrevet?
I will tell you things.
Can I
keep the gun?
No, it's gonna give you cancer.
Oh,
Jesus!
Now he looks down.
I want him to say,
good, I'm keeping a collection.
Yeah, yeah, at this point he's like,
well, it seems like it's worth it.
It's a real good gun. I'm gonna keep this gun in he pockets.
And I say
goodbye to one of my older companions.
No,
the big ship.
What do you mean, the big ship?
The big ship
that came after you were down on the dead planet.
It is
the same one who was looking at us from that ship
is looking in on us now.
There was no...
Everyone give me a willpower
test, please.
Can I just submit to it?
Absolutely, you can.
He will just submit.
Okay.
Reeb is not in a good mind state to resist any psychic
emanations.
Four successes.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, very good.
Okay.
All of you have no idea
what Winnicrevet
is talking about. None of this makes
sense. There was no ship in Shady Rock.
Nothing here makes any sense.
Except for Lorne, who,
like, what he's saying,
that there's something, and it
just gives you a painful,
painful headache.
Don't mention
it again.
You kind of, like, struggle
with this as he's
sort of, like, turning his head towards you.
And for this, I am
going to use the complication
Loreham's
by Toadbear.
Where two characters entirely
misremember a scene.
And your complication, Lorne,
is that both
you and Zedek
entirely misremember what
happened after you left Shady Rock
and have just entirely different
visions of what happened after you
left that strange, mysterious planet.
I don't get it. We just,
we took the, we took the guy. We went to the,
we went to the,
we went to the theme park. I don't,
wait.
It was a water, it was a water park, Zedek.
A water park.
No, it was a, it was a water park.
We were on trunks. It was our vacation.
It wasn't a vacation. We don't get vacations.
Of course we get vacations.
I don't get a vacation either.
None of us get vacations.
I was having a vacation.
That's all they feed me are the rats here.
I'd like a vacation. You're supposed to get rations.
You're supposed to go to the fucking restaurants
that we give you coupons for.
Zedek, we don't,
we don't do that here.
I literally set
aside money for this.
Captain, they don't do that.
Reeb remembers that this is some of the money
that is being used as part of the
protection racket.
Oh, yes, that's correct. There's,
Captain, there is
a matter that requires your attention.
There are
many matters that require my
attention, but most pressing is
the fact that there's a restaurant that's
supposed to be operating and they're not operating
and feeding them the nuggets.
Captain.
What?
The nuggets are the least of your concerns at the moment.
There is a
There is a protection racket
being run
that does not have your
grace, of course.
Oh, yeah, everyone on board
the ship real worried about the Lord
Akira.
Why haven't they caught
the Lower Deck Killer?
There's literally cameras
all over the ship.
Captain, are you putting
money towards it?
I have security
that should be locating the killer.
What is the security
doing?
See, now there's a copycat running around.
Now there's two Lower Deck Killers.
There's two?!
I need you to
understand something, and I'm going to run through this
with you. You said
that you're putting a security
team towards it. Are you putting money
towards the security team?
Yes, it's part of their
pay. They're like the best paid people on this ship
besides me.
Reeb,
for your check, you would
know that the security team members
are absolutely all dead, died
on the first day of their job,
but have still been collecting money
somehow. Captain,
if you had bothered to run a cursor
check, you would know that the security team
you've been paying have been
dead since you first sent them
down there.
What? You're paying nobody.
You are
funneling money into a furnace,
Captain. How can
they be getting money if it's not
going anywhere? The money has to go somewhere!
Captain,
it's
digital.
Your book is a
fiat currency. No, it's
not. I pay them in zettibucks.
Captain, who's
paying them?
Captain Zedek pauses for a moment
because even he has not contemplated where the
money is coming from. He just figured it was kind of
always happening.
You know, I...
I don't know.
Crackle of the Vox.
Captain, we are approaching
Fimbria IV.
Wonderful! We'll be right to
the launch bay.
I'll just remember all the mice.
All the eyes are watching and
the big ships out there.
We need
to come back to this whole big ship thing.
We need to get you more guns so I
can understand what you're saying. The best guns.
I need all the guns. Aha.
Oh, yes.
Because we neglected to get you a
gift here.
Uh, Reeb will... just does
a show of charity, pass him along
the mastercrafted lasgun out of his
inventory since I, A, don't use it, and
B, I kind of was intending to give it to him anyway.
Oh, this is a
very fine piece of equipment.
I like it. Like it a lot. It feels good
in my hand. Nice grip. Yeah.
Yeah, this will help me deal
with those warp bugaboos.
Of course.
I'll let you know if I see the big ship or if I
learn anything else about the big ship.
Also,
could I get some food down here?
Uh,
yes, of course. Go,
uh, go up to the bridge.
Tell them I sent you, because they were supposed
to be giving you questions. Don't wanna go.
Send someone down here. I'm scared. I don't wanna
go. Oh, of course.
Why aren't you here?
Because all my guns are here, and I know where all my guns are.
Long as my guns are here, I'm safe.
Captain, you can
afford to keep the navigator well
supplied. Why can you not afford to keep
Mr. Rivet supplied?
He was supposed to be
supplied. They were, again,
supposed to be bringing him food if he wasn't
going to leave. Who was bringing
him food? And, uh, with that,
I think let's take our first break
here.
See, I'm invested
in the compelling mystery.
Cut to break.
Before we go to break,
uh, Speaker, how much do you care about your
pistol? Oh, I-
I'm cool giving it over.
Okay.
Okay. Be right back, everybody. We will be
right back. Give us about ten minutes to be back.
Be right back.
See you in, like, five minutes.
We're back. Hi,
everybody. Yeah.
We sure are back
at this gas giant.
Look at this big, chunky gas
giant. Are we going to the surface
of the gas giant to die? I said
it was the moon. No,
this is Fimbria IV. We're going to the gas giant.
You're going to the fourth moon
of Fimbria IV.
No, we're going to Fimbria III.
This is Reeb. Reeb has given
up. Now we're just going to Fimbria IV.
This is the end.
We're diving right into the gas giant.
I'll fix it. I'll fix it.
The abyss.
The
moon.
There we go.
Can't do it.
I'll just, like,
vigorously circle
that one. There you go.
For content for your own audio,
we have, uh, we obviously have images
on the livestream, so we're just
pointing exactly
in the most annoying way.
Like,
that one!
But we're back. What are we doing?
Yeah, so we cut back to the
Strategeum with Captain Zedek.
You've arrived with your three companions in
tow, and you see the immense
form of Fimbria IV, the gas
giant, and then the several surrounding
moons, the fourth moon
being the site of interest. The fourth moon having
a bit of a, like,
forested, rocky disposition,
uh, perhaps a slightly
colder than Terran's standard
atmosphere, uh,
that you are orbiting above.
However, there is a notable
section of the planet,
uh, a roughly circular
section that appears
to be this
smog of dark
black soot that had
arisen into the atmosphere.
Yeah, that's not supposed
to be there.
Does it look like a face?
And, like, Captain, or
Lieutenant Ransom's pointing, and you can see
that there's, like, darker splots
that give it, like, the
look of almost, like, a leering,
toothy face.
Oh, look, Reeb!
It's a Xeno structure!
You love those!
It is
smoldering like my ambitions.
Oh...
That means they have yet to be
fulfilled. Now it means they've
burnt to ash. It's okay.
We put that fire out.
Yes.
Captain, the
landers are ready to go,
um, to begin their work down
on the base. I've prepared
one of the Arvises to take you down
as well. Uh, apparently
you're to meet with the
adjutant of the base, uh, one
Colonel Crotwell.
Do you have anything I should know about
this Colonel Crotwell?
Uh, well,
not much, sir. I didn't really have any time to
do any scholarly pursuits
prior to this, as I've been, uh, running the ship.
Yeah...
So, uh,
about that...
Yes, Captain?
And Zedek will just turn and walk away.
Oh.
Uh, he turns to, like, look
at Reeb. I was really hoping for
a raise. Haven't got one of those
in a while. Ransom,
I hate to break this to you, but we have
a great many worse problems
than not getting raises in terms of money
on this ship. I have seen
far too much.
Oh.
Oh, he let you look at the books, did he?
Oh, yes, and I'm very much thinking of
cooking the books.
R-rookie mistake from him.
You know, it's not something his father would have done.
Let someone else look
at the books. That's like,
lesson number one.
Who...
Well, he really must learn
how to do it in that case, then. But until then,
I'm going to do it. So we can
keep money flowing where it's supposed
to.
That's true. We can only trick them with
Zedek books for so much longer.
Trick them?
Um, I mean, encourage them, sir.
Anyways,
I'm gonna get back to running the ship. Your harvest
is ready. Reeb cocks
an eyebrow for, like, maybe a half
second, but just doesn't have the energy to do it.
And yeah, you make your way
back to the, uh, back to the
Arvis Old Reliable.
A new servitor has been installed.
Greetings. Please take
your seats.
Oh, hey there, servitor, uh...
Yeah.
I sit in, buckling.
I am Matthew
Weldy.
I am Mr. Wall.
How shaps?
We will be your pilots.
Oh, two servitors this time.
We really are stepping up the processing.
This ship is much larger, so...
Oh no, this is still
an Arvis. Oh.
Never mind, I was
mistaken. This ship still sucks.
Okay, hope dies last.
Will Mr. Zedek
bring any lackeys with him today?
Yeah, you need
to make use of that skill of yours, Mr. Doobie.
Yeah, you know, I really
should. Uh, Zedek will
retrieve from his coat one of those
little, like, whistles that the Von Trapp
father had.
Tweet on it, and summon whoever
is in the loading bay
to the fore. Could you, could it
be the Willy Wonka whistle, and you do the
and then ratlings appear?
Yes, yes. Hell yes.
Yes, that's so much better.
I'm sorry to
overdo your bit, but...
No, you actually
ironically improved it.
Uh, yeah.
And a host of ratlings
appear.
Hello!
Hello!
Hello! Crunch, crunch
on onions.
All right.
Which four
of you are going to
accompany me on a very fun
and dangerous mission?
How about all of us? Crunch, crunch.
Yeah, you take them all
as your lackeys.
Yeah, only four of them appear and follow you.
That should figure.
All right! Grab the gear off
the nearby wrecks for the deployment
and get on the ship.
To give context to you,
so you know how to use them, and also
for chat, if you ever played Warhammer
40k, like 9th edition or whatever, and you
always had those units that would protect
an HQ or a main character,
they're basically your wounds
pool. They're the ones who basically go,
oh, you have, like, you have 7 HP,
now you have, like, 14
HP, because they just jump in front of you and go
and then they die.
Oh, so this, Zedek
is the command squad. Yeah.
Yeah, Zedek has a command squad.
He is the command squad from Dawn of War 1.
He literally throws ratlings in front of bullets
so he doesn't die.
Ways are my shield.
Exactly. My rats are my
shield. My fury is
occasionally misses. You can
talk shit about Zedek all you want, but you can't
deny he's a good manager, always throwing his
employees under the bus to save his own ass.
The shuttle begins to make its
descent towards the surface.
Oh, I've never
been in space before,
one of them says while picking their nose.
How did you get on the ship? I thought
we brought all of you on when we left
Fartham.
Oh yeah,
I guess I have been in space.
Zedek will chuckle and pat that ratling on the
head. Oh, you silly,
silly,
try not to say sorry
person.
The vessel
breaches the atmosphere of the
moon and reveals
a kind of
lush green
area, but with this ominous
dark cloud in the distance
of smoggy industry.
Ah, now this
is a planet, all right.
I mean, take a look at all this industry.
The industry
is Xenos in origin.
The towers of
orkoid structures barely visible
at the periphery of your
auspexes.
Industry, huh?
That was a test for you.
I mean,
you know,
if I was a Xenos
inquisitor, like Reap probably thinks
it's very cool. Look, Reap,
here, I assume you
is not at a window seat, so I give up my
say going, here, Reap, look, Xenos.
Reap,
going to lean very slightly up from
his position, which is just his head in his
hands, and he's going to look out the
window at the burning
shitty industry in the distance.
Look at all that fire, doesn't that cheer you on?
Yeah, and
at Xenos.
Wordless
Lee just puts his head back in his hands.
Oh.
Oh, ah.
All right. The shuttle lands
with a ca-chunk. Ah, yes, I know what'll
cheer you up. Shitty
industry! Yeah, existence
created by a
Look at how unorganized
Nothing raises an inquisitor
inquisitor acolyte spirit
like seeing Xenos take a planet.
Uh, you see
you see that the area
you're landing in is a
is a military, uh, installation
of the Astra Militarum.
It appears to be, uh, ringed
by several layers of concrete wall
or, sorry, ceramite walls.
Uh, you can also see various
um, structures that have been raised,
tank deployments, uh,
and probably several hundred
troops, uh, moving
about, and some scattering
around the hexagonal landing
pad that the shuttle comes down on.
Rockrete. Thank you, chat.
I remember words sometimes.
The back of the, uh,
The back of the, uh,
the shuttle opens up with a hiss.
And you hear the, sort of,
the sounds
of wartime, of tanks
moving, of various
weapons discharge and testing.
You hear people moving about.
There appears to just be a lot of, uh,
action at this outpost.
Oh, my
By the Omnissiah!
This place is wonderful!
This place is wonderful!
It's been so long since I've been with an
Imperial Guard regiment!
Ah, it's a familiar sight.
It's always comforting to see the boy,
see the boys and women
basically kick an ass in space.
Rockrete, not Xenos!
I, I, I
don't wish to detract from this scene, but
someone in chat really caused me to, like,
have a conniption there from it.
Hey, look, Reeb, it's Detroit!
True!
Uh,
uh, Reeb is
just looking at everyone. He's
looking at all the guardsmen. He's looking at
how fucking terrible
it is here. Reeb,
your, your look catches something.
You see amongst the sea
of, of these, these
guardsmen, one
eager soldier
who is rushing up towards
the landing pad. She's
clutching her lasgun at
ease. You can see the single
white stripe going down
her helmet as she is
rushing up, a slight smile
on her face as she runs
and
stops right at the
top of the landing
pad, uh, tries to
adjust her, her lasgun's position
to give you all a crisp
salute.
Hello there! I'm
Trooper River Hest! I'm here
to greet you! Oh no.
Reeb frowns.
Reeb frowns.
Very hard. I will
return the salute. Hi, Trooper
Hest! I'm Piebrain!
Nice to meet you!
Thurston, Thurston,
may I, can, this
has been so incredibly
bad for Reeb. Can I do some
kind of check to just get off just
how bad this is, how deep
this frown is? Oh, yeah,
absolutely. What kind of frown check
do you want to give me? Frown chown.
Uh,
how does, can I just do
a persuasion? Absolutely.
I will
give you a persuade. Persuade
the universe at how mad you are.
I don't even know how you'll comp-
I don't know how the hell you'll complicate this, but it's a
seven and a complication.
Okay. Excellent.
Um, alright.
I'll, I'll hold onto that complication.
But, uh, yeah, everyone can tell.
There's like, there's literally a dark cloud
that is just following you somehow.
It just got worse because
you, you do remember he kinda,
he kinda mercy killed the poor
bastard on the, on the prison
station. Yup.
And this, this, this lovely, lovely
trooper smiling, looking at you,
and you definitely see the resemblance.
Hi, Trooper
Hest. Is it your first
day on the guard?
Uh, not my first day, but it's
my first assignment. I, uh,
I, I decided to join up once
my, uh, once my brother joined the Arbedis.
Thought a family line in service
was the best thing.
That is a really good thing.
I'm very happy for you.
Oh, you must.
I think we met your brother.
No, no, you must be
so proud of him.
Oh,
yes. The whole family is.
He was sending back all sorts of payments
to, to look after Mammy was.
Oh, that's
great. Uh,
how much was he sending?
That's fantastic.
Oh, I don't know. I don't know
a lot of, uh, a lot of different,
different money types, but, uh,
I'm hoping to send anything that I
get from my stipend back home, too.
I don't think it'll be as much, but every little
bit helps. Now, I'm supposed
to bring you to the Colonel, so would you like
to follow me? Sure.
She turns and does this just
like almost exuberant
march.
And you can feel the smile
radiating off her face, even though she has her
back to you.
You know, that, she reminds me a lot about
that guy we killed.
My God. Reeb is going to stiffen
up and put his arms behind his back
and just follow the trooper. I cast Crash on Pi.
Reeb is not even
part of this. He is following the trooper.
He is, he is
just following the trooper. We got a
job to do, boys. Let's go.
Just following along, man.
She is oddly
responsible for this poor
unenlightened individual.
Uh, yeah.
Right now, it's like, Reeb
in the most depressed spiral
he's ever been, um,
Hulk fucking Zedek
and Lorde, like, oh,
oh, shit, at best.
And Pi has lost, like,
has almost forgotten that he feels guilty
and is now super happy
to be here among conscripts.
And is in a visibly better
mood than everyone else.
You are- Hypothetical.
It's just the worst.
So, Lorne,
Mm-hmm?
How, uh, how pissed do you think
Reeb would be if I told him I planned
on giving her a comfy
position on the ship just to send
money back to the family since we kinda-
Asher's kinda gonna
encourage the same
suggestion, but- There's a loud
sound as all your voices are
drowned out temporarily as your landing
craft begin to set
down at the edge of the base,
unloading their vast containers.
Are you saying, Zedek, that, um,
I think you should, uh-
Oh, god, this would be so
fucked up to suggest that
Hess becomes his assistant.
You know, you know, Zoran?
Yeah, that's not a bad idea.
There's a loud booming,
like,
Yeah, she should become your assistant.
I would just imagine
at Reeb hearing that, there's just, like, the
grinding of concrete as he turns
around. Not even, like, moving his legs.
He just rotates 180 degrees.
Oh, no, he's not, uh,
he's not, he's not
listening. He's moving on. He's got
work to do. Yeah, he
can, you know, heal
his soul.
Why would we need to give Hess that job?
She already has a job as a
glorious Imperial Guardsman.
Yeah, she can do that with us.
Yep, uh-huh.
It's totally not because we feel- I feel
guilty at all after what happened on the station.
Why do you feel guilty?
Hess comes to an abrupt stop in front of a
large tent, uh,
that is in the camo green and sort
of tan colors of this regiment,
and she pokes her
head in and,
Right, ma'am! They're here! And she turns back.
Thank you, Trooper. Yes, thank you, Trooper.
She stands at attention, saluting
you as you pass.
Goodbye!
All of you enter the tent.
and see a stoic
figure who is
looking over a set of arranged
maps on tables
that are maybe like knee-high tables in
the- inside the tent.
She looks up, one bionic eye
sort of whirring as it comes over you,
dressed in an officer's uniform with an
officer's cap, and a sword
behind her back in a scabbard.
Hello! I am
Belia Crothwell of Zekadian
1313.
I was about to-
I was about to say this better not be the person we think
it is. Considering
that was in the past, after all.
Hmm.
Welcome to my camp!
You are here with the supplies
from the Crusade!
That's right! Yes, we are
here with the supplies. They are touching down now.
I'm sure that will be exceptionally
helpful.
I shall begin to
put my gene codes and the
necessary
valorizations to get them open.
We need those supplies.
I can imagine. It looks
like the Orc war machine has pushed quite far.
Yes, that's right.
How- how- how close were you to
Ah! Are you a tactician?
If you may- she sort of
waves and looks at Lorne. How close was I
to what?
How low were you on supplies
before we got here?
Things are very dire. We were in
desperate need of
well, primarily weapons, ammunition, and
and ration supplies.
I see, I see. Do you have another
continuous stream of resources on the way?
Hmm.
Only what the planetary governor sends.
That is
few and far between right now.
I see.
Many ships and the Orkoids, they appear to be
expanding their efforts ever since they landed here
a few months ago.
Oh, God. Uh, Pybrain, come with me.
I think you might be able to put some input in on this.
Yes, hi!
Let us see the battle surface. You tell us the situation.
As a- as a surprise on Lorne.
Ah, yes, yeah.
As you can see, the map actually, like, provides
this overlay of the planet, which has a
large sort of s- s-
slightly circular. Like, it's irregular. There are
some, like, ridges and very tactical
like, inroads, outroads
based on terrain section.
And she points, this is the
situation with the Orkoids, the containment
zone. I am afraid that
we are here in the eastern segment
where it appears to be encroaching towards us.
Sadly, uh, the northwest we have
lost contact with and the- the
southwest, they are under constant
bombardment from the enemy's, uh,
flak cannons.
I see. Uh, taking a look at this,
um, uh, piece of paper, I have been
in- unlike most of my compares,
I have been in, uh, a
semi-command situation
in a war zone before. Can I make
a scholar check? Maybe see if there's any prudent
means of attack or counterbalance or, like,
any way to try to push
the tide here? Yeah, you can give me a scholar
check for that. Absolutely.
Do-do-do-do.
Doing the scholar check.
Let's find out what you know.
Doing the scholar check.
Hey, I'm gonna drop a 4 glory into this
since I think it's kind of important, and
I'm out of wrath.
He's fine.
I see you roll.
Oh gosh.
Roll. Ah! Seven successes!
For my genius military acumen!
Uh, your
genius military acumen tells you
that these guard are fucked without
supplies. Uh, they'll be, like,
supplies will let this- this bastion
endure a bit longer, but
this requires a lot more
support to- to handle.
Would you say that it
gives me any information on, maybe,
fighting orcs if I've done it before?
Like, common knowledge or anything else
about that? Uh, not a lot on, like,
greenskin tactics. Like, you're- you're able to tell
at a base level, greenskins tend to
overwhelm, uh,
areas, and so they tend
to do a lot of, like, smash into,
smash into, until they wear you down,
and they have been very effective on the planet.
The one thing your- your check does
give you, though, is that the northwest
area seems to almost
appear as though it's not really,
like, infested by greenskins,
as though something- something else
had caused it to go dark, cause the
greenskins weren't attacking it on
mass, as they seem to be the other two facilities.
Why the change in
tactics in the northwest?
See, I do not
know. We had
Major Ratham there, but
the communication
ended, uh, very shortly after his
greenskins arrived on planet.
Uh, they took in- they took in
all sorts of
wounded troops from the initial
attack there. They were something of a
holdout medical position.
Medical position?
Hmm. And
are they overrun with orcs now, or
have they simply stopped responding?
Stopped responding.
And it's impossible to get any kind of
useful aspects of the terrains. As
you can see, the orc flak field grows.
Uh, their industrial smog grows.
Right now, they seem to be focusing
their flak on the western front, which is
fine by us.
I see. Well, that
is very disconcerting. And the good
news is, is that the primocs themselves
uh, inhibited us toward here
to deliver this supplies. Uh,
hopefully it can help you for your
desperate defense. And
of course, if you need any assistance,
I am
sure that I-
And Pye realizes he's about to volunteer
everyone for a deathly mission that they didn't ask for.
I look at Pye going, no, no, no,
we came here. You know,
we're glad to know we know the situation,
so we can report on it when we leave.
The colonel, however, takes-
takes the- the rod
and goes with it. Well, if you'd like,
we do have some patrols going out
into the forest lands, uh, west
of here, scouting out the greenskin lines.
Any support or just other, uh,
sets of eyes are always appreciated.
As you may guess, my men have, uh,
gotten accustomed to spooky
things out there, and sometimes having
another set of eyes might at least be able to
detect some of the greenskin activities.
That sounds like fun. I mean,
that we could do that, right guys?
I'm not-
Silence.
I have a ques-
who's going on this patrol?
Well, if
your team would like to go, it would
certainly ramp up morale. I could
assign a trooper or two, perhaps, uh,
Trooper Hest, who you just mentioned,
could accompany you. Okay, we're going!
Uh...
About Trooper Hest...
Yeah?
Uh, so,
being part of the
team, I'd say we can, like,
requisition resources
to help out the effort,
right?
That is my understanding.
Why would
you request that?
As you can tell, things are quite dire here.
I have a
a proposition, but I must
consult with our acolyte before
I confirm or
propose it to you. Reeve!
Certainly, if you require
there is a joining tent over there,
she points with her hand, you may go and
confer amongst yourselves. Uh,
but I have some planning to
do, so feel free to go and
discuss and come speak with me.
Of course, of course!
I have a small request, if it is not terribly
taxing to your supplies.
What is that?
You happen to have any replacement
limbs on staff?
Ah, the person
you'd want to see that would be a medicape
is Primus Briston. You'll find him,
and she, like, points, like,
far down to a white tent, sort of
opposite, uh, maybe
like, forty
meters away. You'll
find him there, he will know.
Okay. Thank you very
much, Colonel!
Please enjoy the core supplies!
And she kind of nods and
goes back to, like, looking over her
her battle mats with, like,
servitors flying in.
Uh, do you guys just join to
that, like, secondary tent
nearby to have your private talk? Yeah,
absolutely.
Sorry.
Captain,
what the hell are you doing?
Quick question before I
ask another question.
How bad would it be
if, say, several
hundred to a thousand
dog soldiers were to be
deployed on the
front lines?
I don't care.
They're yours to do with.
Oh, no, I have no qualms about sending
them to fight the greenskins. I mean,
is that okay? Is that, like,
taboo with
the Imperial Guard? I don't
really know. I imagine what's more
taboo than having the Xenos fighting on
your side, Captain, is losing.
True.
Come the apocalypse, after all.
But, nevertheless, now that
that question's out of the way, I can ask another more
pressing question.
What?
You're gonna
hate me, and I'm gonna need you to
not be mad.
He's looking. He's waiting.
So I
feel an odd sense of
what's the word?
Obligation.
Obligation?
Responsibility towards this
trooper
Hest after
what happened to her
brother.
We could
definitely put her up in the ship
as some kind of...
I don't know.
Honestly, whatever keeps her alive
in sending money. Look, I'm going to
give her part of my money to not kill
her.
Captain, I have a question for you.
Shoot, but don't actually
shoot me. I know you're tempted.
Oh, shut up.
You are going
to take a trooper off the front
lines who is doing her job correctly here,
yes?
Yes.
How do you think that is at all appropriate for the given
time here?
Whatever keeps her
alive. I don't care
if it's appropriate. I know
it's not right,
but sometimes
good people have to do stupid things
for doing good things
later. Captain, why are you
asking my opinion if you're going to do it anyway?
Because she's going to come on the ship
and I know you hate her.
Captain,
do you remember what I did
aboard the prison station?
No.
Do you
remember? Do you remember,
Captain, the individual who
we had to put out of his misery because
of the agonizing effects of
Dark Elder weaponry?
Do you remember who had to do that?
Yes.
Do you remember, perhaps,
that it was something
I had to put out of my mind?
Yes.
And
what makes you think I'm going to rescind
that now?
But
what if she was a babysitter?
For who?
Edderton.
Yes, the boy.
Do what you will, Captain.
I don't, I don't,
I don't bloody care.
You're going to do it with or without my
approval. It's not up to me.
Clearly nothing on this ship is up to me.
Things just seem to happen.
Just do it. It's true, it's true.
Thank you, Reap, and at the
sheer mention of consent, Zedek
will just, like, whip out a little datapad and
bump Reap's pay up a little bit more.
We get paid.
You get paid, what?
He has a job.
He's gonna get paid.
By who?
Me.
Is that a buck, though it doesn't count?
Ah, great. Monopoly money. Wonderful.
You can redeem it
for fine snertchunkers in the lower decks.
Jesus
Christ, you are the worst
people except for Reap, and I love
you. I'm going to
burn.
It's so nice to go from, like, the well-
somewhat well-adjusted, like,
moral people in Warhammer Fantasy.
Oh, yeah, absolutely. And then come
back to these fucks, who I feel like
only get worse with time.
It's like, it's like a
poorly aged wine.
It's like, yeah, it's a wine that's, like,
too old. Or like a fucking
gallon of milk.
Oh, jeez.
But do you realize a gallon of milk will eventually
become cheese?
It's true.
Finally gazed. Finally aged
glass of milk.
Delicious, like, really, mmm.
Well, no, you see, here's the problem,
is that milk does go bad for, like,
a long while, but then
it gets really good after another long while.
So stick with our show, ladies.
Yeah, just please give us a chance.
It's gonna get worse before it gets better,
folks.
You can read that in Zetikid. That's why Zetik just isn't doing anything.
It'll eventually fix itself.
Oh, it is always darkest before the cheese.
So what the fuck are you doing?
What are you doing now?
That's the episode name, by the way.
Fuck. It is always darkest
before the cheese. Damn.
Hell no. Genius.
Oh, god.
I think I will go up to Reeb.
Reeb, I understand
that you are very upset.
Maybe going to the medicine tent
would make you happy, huh?
Why, Pi, so I can fix
your leg? Oh.
So you can look at all of the
cool bandages.
And I don't know what doctors do.
I think flesh is dumb.
We can get some dopamine
and inject it into your brain.
Would that make you feel better?
That's not a commonly held medicine.
Dopamine is not just held in a bottle, Pi.
Well, we could go find some.
Fine.
Lead me to the damn tent.
Okay.
Yeah, Reeb,
come to the medical tent.
Look at all the things you don't have anymore.
Pi is just gonna, like,
just kind of happily, blissfully
grab him by the back of the scuff of the neck
and just start dragging him.
He's walking.
Like, folded, and his legs are
If he's walking, then it's fine.
To the med tent.
To the med tent.
To the med tent.
Lauren, do you wanna
come alongside and
You wanna be comfy? You wanna look cool, Lauren?
Start a bar?
As you're approaching, you hear
the sound of sawing
and screaming.
Ah!
Honesty,
put, put, boy,
I'm just gonna do this and a little clap
and
Oh, look at that! All better!
Mmm,
hacksaw surgery.
Is that bad or good?
No, just nostalgic.
That's this. A man
exits out of the tent with a
low stick, uh, taking a
taking a deep drag and looks up.
A fine beard, sort of
squinty eyes, and a robe
that's, like, muddled with blood
and a bloody rag in one hand.
On order!
Hi there!
I am to understand
you are the medic, eh, Primus?
Oh, that's right.
Medical aid, Primus, Christian I am.
Uh, you all
need patchings up.
No, you look pretty good. You're not missing
any limbs. Well,
except for you. You're, you're
clearly, you clearly got a fucked up limb right there.
Yes, it is very
fucked up. I am tech priest
Pye Brain of the glorious Forgeworld
Lemuria, and I was wondering
if you had any replacement limbs on
staff. Oh, well,
I don't necessarily
have a limb, per se,
that'll fit right there.
I might have something I could put together if you got
some time.
Do we have a little bit of time?
Um, sure we do.
We have copious
time. See if you can get your leg fixed.
Okay.
Well, come on inside to my home. I'll
invite you in. Come on in.
Oh, sure thing.
Uh, as we're following him, can
I run a passive Medicaid
to see what his handiwork looks like?
Oh, absolutely.
Alright.
Nine and a complication.
Okay.
Um...
So, first of all,
you can tell from, from the nine that
Medicaid Baristan is the
equivalent of a wizard.
Because you're seeing, like, no
supplies, very little
going on here in terms of
any kind of, like, proper equipment
or setup, but he is
making it work. There are
probably two dozen wounded soldiers
who are all immediately alive
because of this man's wizardry
actions.
Complication, though,
is
this, like, this emotionally
hits you.
Like, this is, this is what
medicine should be about in many
ways. It's making it work and
making people better. And this just
like, like, is another
gut punch because of what happened to your
lab earlier.
Alright, hop
on up there into that there
cot and we'll get you looked at.
Okay, thank you.
I'll, like, get into the cot. Probably slightly too heavy.
Yeah, it, like, sags down
immediately. Yeah.
True enough. Alright, does your leg detach?
Is it, does it got a release button on it?
Um, yeah, you just
gotta unscrew it and I'm going to go and,
like, start manually twisting
which you probably would need specialized
tools to do unless you were strength
six, in which case you could do it.
Yeah. Okay, yeah, you just, like, there's
like the tching.
Whoa, what happened here? Looks like something
bit right through it.
Wait, you see, I was being punished from
my hubris and a giant chicken
attacked.
That's real good, like,
a giant chicken.
Oh, yeah.
Alright. And Reed was there
and saved me.
Some other things happened
that day, too, but whatever.
Yeah, yeah, whatever, man.
Well, Mr. Reeb,
you're a bit of a
medical professional yourself.
Yes, I am.
Well,
feel free.
Like they say, my casa
is your casa.
Certainly. Reeb will
take that opportunity to go to the
nearest wounded and begin working.
Absolutely. Give me a Medicaid check.
Good, it's time for me to fail it.
Absolutely.
Six. Oh, no, yeah, you're
fine. You're, like, immediately
back into medical mode. You're doing something
that's actually fulfilling, like,
treating up a lot of, like, wounded
guardsmen and helping people.
You can see, like, the current
soldier you're working on, he sort of nods.
Oh, thank you. We don't
get too many other Medicaid here.
Not since the last three were offed.
Mmm.
Hey, it's Thurston. Yeah.
I'm gonna add that, uh, in this situation,
just as a means of, like, making
himself feel better, I'm gonna give Reeb
a wrath, even though it's successful.
Oh, okay, yeah, absolutely.
We'll see if it gets worse.
Nine. Nah, not bad for her.
Oh, you're, you're,
you're bloody good. You might
even be better than Bristan
there, just, uh, just without
all the talking.
Thanks, friend.
Are you gonna be here a while? We, uh,
we could use the help.
We will
be here for as long as we're needed.
Oh, Bristan's B. He protects.
Of course.
Oh, Daddy does
protect. Now, let's see about this leg.
Okay.
I got this bionic.
Came off of a
young corporal
who didn't quite make it past
the second tour outside.
Came back to me. It's got a bit of a
crook in the back there, but I
think I can make it work.
Oh, thank you, yes. It only needs to last
until I can find a new Lemurian
replacement. I just don't want to
have to worry about it in the field
too much. Oh, Lemuria,
I've heard of that. You know, all of my, uh,
my syringes up there,
they're, they're Lemurian craft.
Oh, they are? Yeah.
Lemurian makes the best equipment
for everything, actually.
Yeah, I know. You see,
I wanted to get some, some goods
from Ryza, but that, that wasn't working
out, so I ended up getting the
Lemurians, uh, but they, they proved
to be really well. I think I might use them again, maybe.
I highly
recommend this. Lemuria
makes the greatest technology,
and quite frankly, it is very
underrated. Ryza is good
too, though, and you know, those
people like to make up all these
things about Stygies. Stygies
pretty good, too. Give them a
shot. Lemuria, very good.
But you know what's
terrible? You know the worst thing
I've ever had to do? Look at
this hacksaw, and he pulls out this hacksaw
that has, like, all of the, all of the
spikes on it are, like, worn down.
This, this came from
Grya. Never again, and he
tosses it away. Terrible, terrible.
They are so bad!
You know, they tried to give me a Gryan leg,
and quite frankly, it just
was so terrible, I couldn't even
begin to use it. Well, at that
point, you might as well have not just had the leg
eh? You are
very right, funny bald man!
Who has not bald, I forgot.
This stream is sponsored
and brought to you by Lemurian Craftworks.
Excellent. Medicaid
Primus Briston is now
more highly valued by Pi than
most human life. Yeah, absolutely.
Pi has it homey now. Excellent.
Homey Briston, yes.
Alright,
just gonna do this, wrap that up,
get that, okay, this is gonna hurt a lot.
There's, like, this, like,
electrical jolt. Alright, now, uh,
just stay there. I know it's not
gonna be like your old one, but I just need to
get something. He comes back with a welding mask
on and a blowtorch. Alright, just
as he, like, welds
it on. Okay, there we go.
How did I make do with what you got here?
That was incredibly
painful. Thank you very much!
Oh, yeah, uh, that's what you look like.
Look down and see the leg is on backwards.
Oh, we have to do it again.
Gotcha, no, no, no,
it turns around all the way here, let me,
takes the ball joint to the bottom and turns it, like,
180. Oh!
This is interesting!
I have never had a leg
quite like this. Usually I get
them from the forge weld themselves.
This is an interesting
mechanism to twist your leg around.
If you need to walk backwards, you do it
half as efficiently.
I don't know why it's like that, but the corporal
had it like that, so I always had it as a
ha-ha funny thing, because it's a bit too big for
some of my mates. The corporal
at the time, a very big person.
I understand.
Well, thank you very much, Mr.
Briston. I, how is
Reeb doing?
Well, he's looking after at least six of my boys
there. Doing it very
well, too. I'd like to keep him here. And he comes
up behind you, Reeb, and starts patting you. How would
you like to stay on? You could be my
understudy here.
Ah, yes.
Understudy.
Uh, regrettably, no,
Primus. I will be
departing when our operations are finished here.
We have a great many things to attend to.
Oh, that's, that's all right. Gotta
do it all in the name of the Emperor.
She's very good, very good.
Of course. Well,
you, you, for as long as
you're around here, you need anything, you come
to me. Briston, I'll patch you up.
Make sure you're looked after.
Sure thing, Briston. Thank you so
much for being very helpful and not
evil. Many people we meet
are very rude and bad.
Oh, well, no, no, nothing like that here.
Well, thank you very much.
See you around. And he sort of
like, waves as you exit the tent.
Absolutely. I will see you later
after your inevitable victory.
And I will leave the tent with Reeb, presumably?
Yeah, and as you, as you leave, that's
um, Zedek, when you get a
Vox Crackle, uh, from
like, a, a relay that has been set up
here. Car, Car, Captain, I'm coming through
the, uh, the orbital relay
here from the base camp. Uh,
we've, uh, finished depositing
the first half of
the, the Munitorum crates.
The craft are coming up for the second batch.
Fantastic.
Well, save
one of those Arvus Lighters, Ransom.
I've, we gotta load some cargo
up to bring back up to the ship.
I'll, I'll, I'll radio you. Sorry, I'll,
that's not, that's not period appropriate. I'll
Vox you in a hot second
once I take care of it.
Oh, um,
uh, yes, yes, uh,
is, is, is your Arvus
not enough, Captain? Uh, is there
more you're bringing back?
Uh, oh no, the Arvus, the Arvus will
suffice, but I have to put some cargo
on that Arvus before it comes
back.
Alright, you should have the room.
Let me know if you need a second one.
Right.
Crackles, and as
it cuts off, you can see the, the lander
craft, the six of them have all picked up
and taken off, making their way into orbit
back towards the deck collector.
Alright, let's,
let's get down to business.
And Captain Zedek will straighten
out his coat, puff up his collar, and
Defeat the orcs!
He'll start strutting
triumphantly towards the command tent.
Yeah, uh,
all of you enter back into the, the command tent.
Colonel Crotwell is, is looking over.
She's clearly arranged
some, uh, like, printed
miniatures onto the table that
she's using to represent her tactics.
She's playing Warhammer against herself.
Of course, yes. As one
does.
Colonel, may I request an audience
with you in private?
Of course, what would you like?
Just asking the service, Colonel.
Yes. So,
I plainly see that this
is a, uh, situations are indeed
as dire as you say.
But, I may have a
solution.
You see, I've, uh, I've acquired
some additional
firepower that are always
itching for a fight.
They are unconventional,
but they are
loyal to the paycheck that they are given.
And they will fight
quite literally to the death.
And, the benefit is, it will
save more of holy
human lives to send them
in first, and not
waste another Imperial.
And she, like,
perks up. You have abhumans
to fight with?
Even worse
or better, depending on your viewpoint.
What do you mean?
Let's just say
they are...
Well, they
are rather prone to dog-fighting.
Dog-fighting?
Yes. If you
catch my drift,
Terranian dog soldiers.
Xenos mercenaries?
Yes.
Correct. You have tricked them to die
for, for us?
Course. They've tricked
their fully willing.
Is that...
That is perfect.
How many, how many can you deploy?
Well, we have a lot at the disposal.
How many do you think we could use to
rebuff the defenses?
I mean, as many as you have,
this green skin threat
must be eliminated.
We could, we could make a new offensive.
I think, I think I can help
you out. I think I can spare a
couple hundred, maybe
a thousand.
A thousand?
As long as they have... That will be great.
As long as they have the rations to eat,
or appropriate food sources
where they find them, they will
do whatever they can, as long as they are getting paid.
That's right. The crates you've brought,
this will be perfect, as they will have
the supplies we need.
This could work. We could, we could change
the front of the war. And she points
to the map. Now, Colonel,
I do have a small request
of you, though.
Name it. If you bring
it to me, I will give it to you.
So, you know that
very plucky
green horn out there, pointing
like, but not pointing... She wasn't there
when you came back. Oh, cool.
You know, a very plucky
new, uh, new soldier,
Miss, uh... Trooper Hest, yes.
Yes, Trooper Hest.
Very good. Very, uh, very diligent
in her duties. I think she'll go far
in the Minotaurum.
I agree. Now, after
learning of what
happened to her family members,
which, unfortunately,
one of them don't... We're not going to touch
on that in front of her, for obvious
reasons, but the foul Xenos
have claimed one of her
own, unbeknownst to her.
We feel kind of a
life
debt to her, that
she doesn't realize yet.
Basically, we would like
to have her join the crew of
our ship.
And lead
our forces there. We definitely need a new, uh,
security staff.
I see. Well...
If you
require her, and you believe that she could
be very good, uh, at service
to the Crusade, I don't see any
problem, but it's, uh...
We should have made this request a bit earlier,
though. Of course!
I... Well, I would have been more
inclined to evoke authority, but
rather than do that and tarnish
our reputation, I'd rather it be
purely diplomatic in nature.
Of course, it's just I just sent her out on a
patrol. You what?!
What?! Gloria burst in.
Ow! What direction?
Uh, just,
she was checking the southern lines.
Ugh...
Okay, look, we can...
We'll shake on it, not shake on it,
but yes, that's fine. I will...
We will get you those
reinforcements. We
are going to get Hess.
Of course?
Southern paths!
I'll vox ahead
so let the gods let you through.
As you burst
out of the tent now. Yeah, I was gonna fly
out of the tent, see the ratlings presumably
just commiserating amongst the guard
and just doing as they do.
Everything good, Bolt? Crunching
onion.
My dear gents, you have a very
important mission. Uh, you're gonna be
for tactical reasons, uh...
Security
Team French Onion. Yeah, that'll be
fine. Okay, I know, yeah.
Alright. We have
to save a very important person
out on the front lines.
We need to bring them back to the ship,
back to the Arvest Lighter, and we're
gonna send her up, and she's
gonna take care of everything up there.
But we'll go over the details. All that matters is that
she makes it back. Okay.
Crunch, crunch. And if you
bring her back in one
piece alive, and you make it back
as well,
I will give you something you've always wanted.
What's that?
A very,
very big onion.
Oh.
Well, we
can do that. Of course,
hoping you'll be recognizing
that we're just basically
nameless NPCs that are a feed on your
character sheet, so if you're expecting us
to do the heavy plot lifting, you'll be in for
a pleasant surprise soon.
Yeah, I thought,
I kinda figured we were gonna, like, go down there.
Is that it?
Yeah, but...
Like, cut to the alternate future where
these four went on their own,
and everyone is sad.
Now to get a spinoff of
another spinoff of we all play Rattlings
now.
Holy shit.
Three Rattlings, or four Rattlings
and Trooper S.
God help
us. Uh, yeah, no, we're gonna take him
with us. We just need him to be motivated. That's pretty much it.
Alright, we're doing it for the onion.
Do it for the onion! Do it for the Emperor!
Do it for the Emperor's onions!
Zedek, do you have a big
onion on the ship?
Gamu can make one.
Captain, the vessels are beginning to arrive
and we'll be loading the supplies on them.
Perfect. Well, we're gonna have to
just leave if... Look, how many
more supplies have to come down from the ship?
Well, we're filling them with
about a half load for the second one,
so there's some extra room. We don't
have to send all the landers down, but we're
figuring for speed of loading, we could
load them up half and get them down there.
That's perfectly
fine. Make sure when the last
batch leaves that one
of those landers stays down here.
If they're piloted by
servitors, they can't really enjoy anything anymore,
but if there's any crew on them, just, I don't know,
send them off with a bottle of booze or something.
Point being, keep one here. We have a
very important person to send back up to the ship.
It's a rescue mission now.
I understand, and I was listening in on your
conversation, sir. Um,
do I need to be sending down
some of the dogs now?
Yes, uh, can you
patch me through to the Pasha?
Uh, yeah, yes, sir, one sec.
Ah, greetings and salutations,
Captain!
Good day to you,
Pasha. I have a fantastic
opportunity for your men.
Ah, yes, we love opportunities.
Would this be some sort of
rough and tumble with the enemy?
Of course, of course.
So, the, uh, the guard
down here are a bit understaffed
and undersupplied. They're kind of working
on it, but I think they need
some real muscle to
clear the way, and
I think your band's special
breed of expertise
could be invaluable in cleaning
out the greenskin menace
that is continually encroached on their
base. Captain
Zeddick, every adjective you say is a bullet
Trooper Hess must dodge.
All right, sir.
We'll get on.
And then there's, like, another
vox crackle, and you hear,
Captain, if you'd like, with the next
load, since we're doing half loads, I could probably
get, like, a thousand of them down
there. Yeah, that
would be, actually, you know what, just put a bunch of them on
some of the, put them on a
harvest ladder where they won't get crushed
by a cargo container
if it falls. I, I can't
fit a thousand dog soldiers on an
harvest ladder, sir.
There are ways, but you are very
right. Sir, that would be
like fitting ten tactical
marines inside of a rhino.
It doesn't make sense and
doesn't actually happen, sir.
Look, just send out a thousand of the dog soldiers
to kill the fucking orcs.
Yes, sir! Click.
Ah, I love
my job! Zeddick will drink again from his
hip flask. I'd like to, um...
Okay. Yes? I'd like to imagine
that, like, during all
of this, before
Warburton going, what the fuck did you do?
That, like, me, like, me and Pyramid
or Reav have just been around the war table
just looking at, like, she was playing Warhammer and going, like,
that's actually going to be a terrible place. The enemy could
deep strike right here. It's nine inches close to the small one.
Yes, sir. Yes, well, you see, I'm going to send
two CP, uh, all, forty of
my Skitarii rangers are going to, or, sorry,
twenty are going to... No, sir, we're not playing with your
army. We're playing with her army.
Well, I, I, but I'm proxying. Yes, as you see,
I do not have a new codex yet, so I do
not have these great new strategies.
We're just, we're just criticizing her deployment
and, like, she shouldn't be on this objective.
Now, here's the thing.
If you had Mortarion there and I had
twenty vanguards, like, it's about
a thirty-five percent chance I can
ice him. This game is bullshit.
I need a new codex. It's the only way I can
compete with this army. Did you know that
the greenskins are going up to toughness five?
How are we supposed to deal with that? Oh my god, that is
bullshit.
When we saw those raiders leaving earlier,
I couldn't tell if they had, like, at the
prison planet, if they had ten people or eleven
in them.
As he's, like, dressing the
ratlings in jungle detritus
to make them stealthier. Jesus! Rambo-ing
them? Yeah, okay. We're kind of
on a rescue mission, guys!
So the camera cuts, cuts away
as Pie makes his, like, shouting
running speech, and we cut
to an idyllic forest.
There's birds,
chirping in the air,
and there's a lone trooper
walking down the path,
smiling, holding
her lasgun, and she's
giving a light little whistle and a
hum, like, giving an old little tune,
like,
Don't do this to me.
And she's walking down
the path that is laden
with tank traps,
and then
she comes to an
abrupt stop.
And she looks south of her
position, down the path,
towards a figure that
stands on the open
road. Don't do this to me.
A single
orkoid
that, that stares
and it looks
and she looks at it
and says,
So,
Halki,
my good friend,
Yes, Thurston?
Oh, no!
Tell me,
what does
Cretan's Wa-Klata
say
to this
singular Yumi
on the path
that he has encountered?
That's an
excellent question. What would Cretan's
Wa-Klata say?
That's right.
Hmm,
you, uh,
look in a beach strip there, Mish.
You, uh,
you don't want to come out here.
I'm trying to salvage this.
I'm gonna,
you look like the nice person, I'm gonna metagame
and just kinda, you can live,
you can go home.
I wouldn't need you to get
a little bit closer to me, though.
Just, yeah.
You stand right there!
Right there. This is terrifying.
And Cretan's will,
actually, GM, tell me,
is this, like, a bit more
mucky, similar to the last time
we saw these characters?
Like, swampy?
Oh, no, this is like a lovely,
idyllic Disney f-
Cretan's is gonna walk to the tree line
to the right, and disappear
behind a tree, almost improbably,
and emerge
right up
there, out of, coming,
again, continuing walking right out of that
tree line.
Can you, uh, can you, can you mark
yourself down a wrath point for using
Cretan's' ability? Absolutely.
I'm gonna use out of your depth.
Ah!
And she, like, she raises up
the lad's gun.
Mmm.
You shouldn't have done that.
Boys!
And at this point,
Pybrain, followed by Zedek, followed
by Loren, followed by Reeb, have rushed
into the scene, and in, like,
a whiff of, of some, like,
smoke, or just, like,
a cardboard cutout that falls forward,
Cretan's
disappears from the path.
The rest of you,
however, uh, begin
rushing forward down the
path, uh, if you, if you
look to the top of the path now, and
you can see that emerging from
the woods are several
orkoid creatures.
Uh, but, you get to go first, so, who would like
to go first?
Who's at the front?
I am Pybrain of Fortran Lemuria,
and I will not let you
hurt the tiny little
person who we have, uh, affiliated.
It's complicated. Look.
I'm going to be rushing forward.
Yeah.
And?
Yeah, and? And?
And I'm going to forget that I'm on push-to-talk
and cut out. And
then, after I do that, I'm going to charge
him, and I'm going to make sure he no longer
exists. Ah, so you're rushing one of the
orkoids right close to the, uh,
to the grass. Okay, yeah, absolutely.
Yeah. Actually,
yes, that's, that is the smart
idea. So. Cool. Let's go.
That's going to be 11 and a
crit? Uh, yeah, okay.
So you rush up to this orkoid, please roll me
damage.
Oh, I rolled a crit,
stupidly. Uh. Oh, that's okay. I'll, I'll
get the crit while you're doing that, then.
Okay.
23 on the crit, and get me
le dommage. That is, yeah,
cool. 14. That is a
14. Sad number.
14, uh, but with
the crit, that is actually pretty
darn good. Uh, you come
barreling forward, raise your weapon,
and bring it down in a
savage display. Um.
One sec here.
Um, and, yeah,
you have a brutal rupture, mangling
flesh and bone, and
causing this orkoid to just slump down
dead as you rush forward.
Excellent! Uh, can I potentially
make a single move?
Like a sliver?
You already, you already charged. Fair enough.
That's completely understandable. Well,
I hope that
you all know where the good
phaeton is!
Okay.
Uh, yeah.
So, one of them definitely
does know where the good
phaeton is, and, uh,
goes next, and, like,
rushes up to you with
their own weapon, some kind
of strange xenos
item that they come charging into
you with.
A knife. Oh.
A chopping weapon of some form.
Whoa!
Uh, with an eight to hit you?
Uh, that will indeed hit me.
Um, I'm at
six? Six.
So, yes. Okay. Cool, so they'll shift one.
Context,
chat, he's six in melee and all that stuff.
I think you're...
Oh, and that gives him five, so
he might be able to shift to another one. Yeah.
Uh, yeah. So, oh, actually, yeah.
That's right. So, uh, let me...
just roll one more dice. Resistance
is nine.
Uh, so
that'll do ten, but I'm also going
to, uh, spend a rune point
to have some extra damage here for effect.
And gets
two. So, eleven total damage.
Eleven total damage. Okay, cool. So, I
will try to roll some determination. Sweet.
As this orc comes out
swinging with a choppa at you.
Alright, I'll be soaking two of that
as shot. Cool. Um...
And I'm not going to counter
attack. Okay.
For meta reasons. Makes
sense. Who would like to go next?
I do.
Go on.
Uh, can I realistically run all
the way the trooper hest here?
Uh, like, you can
get close, Shorty, absolutely.
Okay, I'm gonna rush up and I'm gonna cast
telekinetic dome.
Oh, good call, absolutely.
Uh, yeah.
Can I... Okay, so I have to announce this before...
I want to cast telekinetic dome
first, but then
I also want to cast, uh,
regeneration after.
Okay, so the basically plus
two to the cast on each.
Okay, I can do the two power thing
still, so it's just normal.
Uh, yes. Or is it just...
Yeah, so it's just normal.
I'm just clarifying just to make sure everyone's like,
I wanna do this thing, is that okay?
Okay, first off, telekinetic dome, here we go!
Woosh!
Woosh!
Woosh! We're rerolling!
Woosh!
And I complicated and only
got a five, but I succeeded
and...
Can I use the
glory pool, everybody, but keep one?
Take it. Thank you.
Or, I will roll
the 4d6, cause I
fucked up. Uh-huh.
And then once it missed, which would be just the two others,
and then
that'll be, okay, that'll be
five, six, seven, eight,
nine, ten, eleven.
Uh, so that'll help out a lot,
actually. Yeah. And now for telekinetic dome, I'm
going to boost up by basically increasing...
I was only needed five.
Mm-hmm.
And I had one two that I
could bring up, so I'm gonna use those two to basically increase
the range, so trooper Hest is also
within the dome. What's the range
increase on that? It's basically whoever's
adjacent, it's just by, like, one M. Oh, okay.
So, because of how weird the
measurement is, it's basically anyone in an adjacent
square of me is now... There we go.
...in the dome. We'll give you a little...
We'll give you a little dome there. Awesome.
Cool. And...
And the other one I was going to do was...
I think it said regeneration, right? Yeah. So regeneration,
here we go. Whoop!
Ten! Hot damn!
And I'm
going to basically...
Uh, I could up that...
Basically, I require eight, so...
One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven... I actually...
Yeah, I can only boost up by one, which
is gonna be plus one shock healed per round. Nice.
So basically, the expand regeneration works.
If I'm at full wounds, which I am, and if I take
any shock damage, that, uh,
I basically just regen
the shock at the beginning of my turn.
So I can just have... So I never worry about shock
anymore. Um...
So I get... I basically heal, like,
three of it. So, yeah, that's all that
I can do, and that is the end
of my turn. Okay. I'll... I'll...
Actually, I... I complicated.
Uh, roll me a 2d6 for the complication.
Yeah, let's do the complication.
That is a 25.
25. That will be
Tears of the Martyr.
Uh, all painting statues are
equivalent effigies within a hundred meters
if you begin to weep blood.
If no such features
exist, then walls or similar surfaces
begin to drip with blood.
The bleeding persists for one minute.
All sentient creatures that witness this
must make a difficulty three
fear test. Oh my god.
I made the entire forest
bleed. The forest is now bleeding, yes.
Wow. Holy shit.
Jesus, that is metal.
Um, okay.
It's sap.
Uh, so...
So I assume we all make a resolve test
for... Uh,
yeah, um...
Good lord. So, yeah,
roll your resolve trait, difficulty
three. Cool. Cool.
I got a
four uncomplicated.
I got a three.
Okay. Okay, you can't really complicate on these
ones, so we're good there. Um, Zedek
and Reeb.
Yeah, it's taking a second, I clapped it.
Yeah, I don't know if I told you the same thing.
There we go. Yeah, two and a eight complicate, but
it can't complicate, so good. Good. Uh, yeah, Reeb,
you're just like... And a five. Yeah, Reeb,
you're just like, what the actual... This is like
just more bearing down on your
your soul. Uh...
Oh god.
Reeb.
Uh,
River Hest, uh, fails, and is
like, now, Asave, like,
what's, what's going on?
She's looking at me. You're staying with me.
You're staying with me, we got you.
The trees are
bleeding red tears!
Oh wait, they're supposed to do that.
Hey, Thirst,
I have a question. All of the orcs are, like,
looking around, like, panically worried.
Uh, yes, Pybrane?
How does Cretans do?
Uh, Cretans disappeared.
Oh, right, of course.
There won't be some again. Yeah,
never again. Um, but the
the orc boy in front of you who just attacked
you is now looking around like, what is it?
What is it? What's going on? Oh no!
Consequences!
Um, this other one here
is, like, completely
shocked and, like, tries
to shoot at you, Lorne. We'll see how that goes.
Um, raising up
their weapon in some attempt to
fire.
Maybe?
Sorry, roll 20 being roll 20.
It's a little laggy, as usual.
It's just not
opening extra windows right now, yeah.
We're definitely gonna look at the Foundry version and see if it does
anything better or not.
I'm just reloading real quick, it might just be a weird
ism here. Just waiting for
the roll.
Waitin', waitin', waitin'.
Here comes the shot.
It's shootin' you with me.
Tryin' to shoot you, baby,
with a slugger.
There it goes.
Uh, whoa.
With my defensive three,
it hits. Unless it shoots through
woods or whatever and gives me defense.
It's shooting through the woods, it's shooting
through your barrier, and he is
afraid because of all the blood trees.
So it misses. Yeah. Good!
The trees, the trees are bleedin'!
Don't worry about it, it's all good!
Uh, and
then he moves, trying to, like, run away.
Uh, who'd like to go next?
Uh, it's gonna be your Zedek.
Yep.
Uh, can Captain Zedek rush up, unless you
wanna do something, Reeb? Nah, I got nothin'.
Captain Zedek
will just bee-line up to
Lorne. Bee.
Stop!
Oh, thank-thank the Emperor, you're
alright, Trooper Hasto.
Oh, man. I'm not alright!
What's-what's even going on?!
The trees are bleedin'!
Yes, the trees are bleedin'!
Zedek's seeing the situation.
You're-you're being reassigned,
don't worry, we're here to reach out.
There's an orc right
next to you, Zedek, please
kill it! Oh, pie, you've got
a-oh, fine, I'll take-I'll take care of him.
Captain Zedek will just pull out his arc just a
lackadaisically, oh, I have to do work this time,
and then shoot him. God, you are the worst version
of Captain Kirk. Yes, please fire.
So good. Of course.
A six and a
complication. Oh, excellent.
So, I'm going to use the
complication from Ark Wolf.
Somebody is a little excited.
Uh, so given this particular scene,
you unload all of your
arc pistol's ammo into this thing.
Just firing every
shot!
And your-your ammo
is now, like, completely gone for the
weapon.
Well, now
that that orc is dead.
Clearly it tried-clearly
it tried to interrupt you while you were talking
to your new hire.
You do
not interrupt
negotiations.
Um, okay, so
another one kind
of, like, emerges from-
from the brush, and this one,
like, seeing all of you, seeing
the blood trees, you see it heft
up a double-handed
weapon, which appears to be some kind of
gun.
And it begins to
unload with it.
Aiming at you, Lorne.
Oh, no!
Welp, I'm dead, boss.
Uh, no you're not. It goes, like, he's
afraid again. These big
shells are just hitting your psychic
barrier, hitting the tree.
He's looking around, clearly, like,
paying more attention to the blood.
The trees is
going to eat us!
I imagine I'm
that one guy, I think it's like, uh,
that one war movie where the guy's in the
fetal position, rocking back and forth,
screaming as bullets are raining around
us. Oh, yeah.
And, like, this guy with, like, the big gun
is rushing off.
We've got
Uh, Reeb, you're good.
Reeb is going
to step forward, and he
is going to just
set fire to the woods.
Oh, yeah, and you hear these, like,
Oh, no! It's
It's a blade, and it's
on fire! We done real made this
for us, mad lads! Let's run!
Um, and
like, in short order,
the orkoids seem to be completely
running away now.
Uh, you have broken their morale
in every which way.
Perfect.
The trooper
has to, like,
breathe crying beside you, Lorna.
As, like, the trees
finally stop weeping
their bloody sap.
What's going on?
It was
one orki! Talk to me!
Like, like, talk-talked!
What's going on?
Don't be silly! They can't talk! They're not intelligent!
I look at Reeb. Is that true?
Wait.
Didn't we talk to those orks that one
time? You know, when I smashed all of
those light bulbs that one time? Yeah.
Really early. We all met each other.
And it was a really wonderful time.
That was way before the prison planet where we found
your bro- Let's go to the ship!
What? Yeah, don't worry about that.
Let's go back to the ship. Coming on.
What do you mean by-
You're being reassigned. You're being rescued!
Please don't resist.
And now there is a loud booming, like a
boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
And the trees are starting to shake
violently.
I look up.
There's a tree canopy
that's shaking violently.
Oh. Something tells
me we should leave very, very fast.
We're going! Come on, Hest!
Okay. And she, like, follows you
and, like, one of the ratlings offers her
an onion and she, like, pushes it back
with her hand, like, oh, okay.
And you're rushing through this forest
and you can see the canopy shaking and shaking
until you eventually emerge closer
towards the guard outpost
where you can see
now that the sky is alight
with, um, like, black
clouds that appear to just be
exploding all
around in the air. Massive
walls of flak.
And then our camera, like, juts to the side
as you're rushing towards. And you can see
the six landers coming
down
being struck
by this. And one of the
lead landers, you can tell
it's begun
to, like, veer away.
But it's veering suddenly and it
strikes another one of the landers
and there's a massive explosion
in the sky.
Oh, shit!
Everyone tries to veer off and you can
only see it dip out of
your line of sight and then
there's, like, a loud crashing and another
explosive sound
as the
flak wall above you
is just intensifying.
The sky looks like it's a dark
stormy day as there
is just dark blackened clouds
everywhere. And the
sound is so loud.
This doesn't look good here
at all. What on earth is this?
I've fought in war zones before. I've
been bombarded. Does this seem like
artillery or does it seem like something else?
It's a flak field. Macy,
it's...
Oh, a flak field. I understand.
Yeah, it's exploding stuff in the air to prevent anything
through. Nevermind.
Forget I said anything. You're just seeing, like, airbursts
of black, but now it's, like, clouding
up the sky so much it's dark.
Even the distant sun of the system
is, like, dimming under this
constant aerial attack.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
And you rush in and the camp is entirely
at arms and you can hear klaxons
sounding everywhere and guards
checking their ammunitions.
...
And Trooper Hest,
she, like, stops and sits at a bench
and, like, is, again, cry-breathing.
...
This is no
laughing matter, Hest, as funny
as this all seems.
What? And she just looks up at you
in kind of horror and dread.
Oh, you are doing the other thing. Um,
yes, very bad, but don't
worry, we were... Boom, boom, boom, boom,
boom, boom. Okay.
I'm tired of the ca- Are we gonna break the cannon?
What's the plan?
...
Hest, Hest, look at me.
Look into my non-existent eyes.
She, she
stares into your eyes, Loren.
You are a white shirt of the
Imperial Guard, correct?
That's, that's right. It's my first
deployment. And you've heard stories
of grand heroes and epic adventures,
correct?
That's right. I grew up hearing the
stories of the Lord Solar Macarius.
He led the Imperium so
far.
No, a hero's born in a field, in a field
of battle, Hest.
And you're about to find yourself
in a, let's say,
let's say, in a field...
God damn it, how did I tell the other
trifolk how not to just fuckin' piss
themselves when they go into battle?
What? You've led people into battle
before? Like various
raids, Hest.
Back, back in my old days,
and in various battles,
I've had to have seen many of the Imperial
Guards have been charged into battle
gloriously, but without fear.
They knew what they were getting into.
They knew that they could achieve victory
just by having the lives of the Emperor
and songs filling
their hearts as they charged in.
You have this
glorious weapon, and they basically grab onto the
lifeguard and kind of shake it like,
this thing is going to help you
survive. We are going to help you
survive, and we're going to get you out of this
situation. Do you understand? But together,
the Imperial Guard's
bastion of weaponry falls
together with thousands upon
millions, even, planet-filled
men, basically charging
into the forefront. And
you have us, Cooper Hest.
We're going to get you out of here.
And I need you to be brave for all of us,
for your brother, for your family.
Understand?
She nods
heavily, and she looks into your eyes,
meeting her face, stealing slightly.
It's only one thing to do,
then. Just like they
said, it's time
to affix bayonets.
She pulls out the bayonet and puts
it on. I stand
up. Trooper Hest, let all
of the Imperial soldiers hear you.
Affix bayonets! She got
several of the other soldiers, like, clearly even
some veterans, like, stare,
nodding, and like, you hear
one guy running, waving with a
lasgun. We're going to war!
We're going to war! Get to the walls!
Like, all these guardsmen are rushing
to the wall, as the thunderous
sound from above, and you can tell
that no landers are coming. Nothing can
get through what's up in the
sky right now. A constant
bombardment.
And you see
all these roaring speeches and roaring
voices, Trooper Hest.
Now let's go catch some more cats.
She, like, screams and rushes off,
like, ahead of all of you, towards
the line. But, like, as this is
going on, you see the colonel, who is
getting, like, at a quick march stride,
coming up to you. She, like,
waves her hand.
Hello. You found
a coach. The
green-skins, they have launched a
full-scale assault.
Made one critical mistake,
Colonel. What's that?
They did not do it
early enough.
There are thousands pushing in on our
front. But I'm
ready. It's time we open the supplies.
Get the supplies.
Alright.
You're the Crusade representatives. You're
supposed to be here.
Our men have enough for maybe another
handful of engagements worth of
weapons. But we can hold them off and then
get these supplies.
Okay.
Are we cut off from them? Will we
have to fight to them? No.
The supplies are where the
landers first landed. We got the majority
of them. I believe Captain
Second Round was going to be your
Xenos mercenaries, but I suppose
they will not be helping us.
Oh, come on.
Not through that bombardment, they will not.
Let's get those supplies.
She leads you into the
large warehouse unit
where they have been stuck. And you can see there's
various, like, military commanders
who are, like, here. Anywhere
from, you know, lieutenants
all the way up to even a few majors
of the guard, the command
staff of the Acadian
1313th, all assembled.
Nodding as the
colonel comes in. Alright.
You're here. We are ready.
Are you ready? We're ready.
As ready as we'll ever be. Let's crack
those bad boys open.
She begins entering in the commands
and at once there is
a pneumatic hiss from each of the
munitorum cargo containers
as they begin to shudder.
But instead of opening,
there is a slight sound
as a hololithic
display appears
in front of all of you.
Hail, good friends of the
astro-military, um,
no, sorry.
Astra. Militarum.
Imperial army?
Guard.
I know you ever
beleaguered souls fight hard in
friendkind's name. Know that your
lives are worth more than a thousand
worlds, a thousand sectors,
a thousand imperiums.
And that your lifeblood spent
here for our cause goes
beyond the selfless valor of the
fiercest martyr. My greatest
wish is to be with you all as
we together clear the path towards
our father and see light anew
glow at the center of this shadow
imperium. It is with great
sadness that I simply cannot.
So in my
stead, just as our
wish to set alight the imperium of new
hope, I now wish to brighten
your day by sending you this
care package. May the
fiery candles upon these
Mark 12 Nocturne Forge Cakes
brighten your day, my friends.
They come
in Buggleberry,
Pingo Nut,
Throne's Weed, and Licorice
Flavors. I'm
personally partial to Buggleberry as it
has a nice, funny chew to it,
vaguely like the Tyrone
Landcar.
If you're allergic, you can
find cake made of regular cherub
vinyls in the back of the containers.
And if you're allergic to that, there
is also some
sausage. No one is
allergic to sausage.
Oh, and remember
to blow out the salamander candles with a steady
gust of wind at approximately
35 kilometers an hour, and
make sure to put them out continually
as they do have an auto
relight function.
They come or
any satellite, so make sure to
air out the container before extracting the cake,
as it may become quite
hot in there. Thank you
for your time, and remember,
treat yourselves.
You are worth
it!
And then the containers
open, revealing their
contents. Walls
of incandescent candles,
and party cakes,
and sausages, and
lines upon lines
of party hats.
There are no weapons, there are no arms,
there are no supplies.
And steadily, the heads
of the assembled command staff
of the Cadian,
1313th,
turn to stare at all
of you. And that's where
we'll end today's session.
Oh!
It keeps getting
better.
Uh-oh.
I thought there was only
one Primarch.
This one obviously was replaced
somehow.
What happened?
What happened?
The situation
notwithstanding, I'm pretty sure that
Tater Tartar, someone that we know
is allergic to sausage.
I don't know.
But I guess we'll all find out
next time.
Next session, yeah.
Just to
let everybody know, and remember,
on the 26th, which would be
the normal next session, we're
taking a break. We just need a little
downtime to get some stuff ready. So on the 26th
of June, we will not be
streaming, so be, remember that, but we will
be live on the 19th for Warhams Fantasy.
So yeah, love you all very much.
Hope you guys enjoyed it.
And thank you, everybody,
for your time today. I greatly, greatly
appreciate you guys coming over. And with
that, I think I'll
start heading off.
If you guys want to stop saying goodbye,
we're starting off with
we're starting off with our Skitarii
Ranger, played
by Speaker D.
Yes, I am Speaker D. I am the cause
of all earthly woes.
You can find me on Twitter at
SuperSnakeKick. You can find me on YouTube at Speaker D.
And I just want to say
to you all,
I play
um, uh,
Cired Gun is pretty okay.
I've enjoyed it. Okay.
Our
inquisitorial acolyte drinking
for the Depresso Expresso,
Brie Van Horn, played by
Erndil,
and I can be found at Erndilio
and, as always, basically
nowhere else. But I'm
working on that. Just kinda
can't. I've been
playing Lawn, the Sphinx and Psycher,
and along with Captain
Zedek, a rogue trader,
captain of the debt collector,
played by...
That'd be me, HulkyCrow. You can find
me at HulkyCrow on
Twitter. You can also find me on
Zoran's Discord server,
I'm sorry, that's not Twitch.tv, it's
Discord.gg slash ZoranTheBear.
There's a wonderful community there,
and I often pop into the voice chats
just to hang out with you guys. So if you want to come
by and insult me for being an ugly idiot,
and not killing an easy target
when I had the chance, that is your
chance to insult me.
And of course, thank you, Mr.
ThurstonHillman at OncologyM
for the fantastic adventure.
Thank you,
and thanks to the Primarchs for
giving such gracious supplies
to our characters. I'm
sure next episode we'll see how
party cakes and party hats fare against
an Orcatech. Yes, thank you
for his voice of
Corvus, and who does... I don't
think I've met him. Crimson.
Key McKenzie. Okay, okay, that's right.
Crimson, thank you so much to him for doing Vulcan.
Wow, no, I do know who he is. Holy
shit. I'm stupid. Wow.
My brain died. I'm
an asshole. No, it's
okay.
That ending broke you, that's fair.
Thank everybody
so much for watching. Hope you guys have a wonderful
time. We're going to start heading out here. So
so long, and farewell.
Goodbye.
See you in fantasy times.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.