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Manhood often feels like navigating through uncharted territory, but you don't have to walk alone. Join us as we guide a conversation about how to live intentionally so that we can join God in reclaiming the masculine restorative presence he designed us to live out. Laugh, cry, and wonder with us as we explore the ins and outs of manhood together.
Aim Lower: The Case For Human Sized Expectations This Fall
00:00
Hello and welcome to another episode of the podcast by Restoration Project. My name is Jesse French and I'm excited to again be joined by my co-host. Who is? Hey, this is Chris Bruno. Good to see you, Jesse. You too, Chris. Wow. I'm excited today because I think this conversation hopefully will be a timely one. And it all starts with this wonderful story that a friend told me a couple of years ago. And his wife was a teacher. Is a teacher.
00:29
And it was a couple of weeks before school was starting. And so she went in and was getting her classroom all together and kind of organized with all the supplies and whatnot. Yeah. Let me just pause you real quick. Right. Yeah. God bless teachers. Seriously. God bless teachers. If you're a teacher, you're married to a teacher, you know, a teacher like me, the Lord's favor be upon you. Yes. Bless you.
00:58
So in all the ways, in all the way. So yes. All right. Well said. So this teacher is getting room together, getting getting supplies put together and whatnot. And some of the other teachers were there as well in the school. And one of the other of these other teachers had brought their kids with them because it was still summer. And and so one of these these other kids kind of wandered into a classroom and she she knew this elementary school kid. And the kid just started writing on her chalkboard. And my friend was.
01:27
kind of interested, like, I wonder what this kid's gonna write. And so she watches him and in huge, big, bold capital letters, he writes the phrase, aim lower. And she said, I don't know what the kid's name was, but she's like, Johnny, Susie, like, what? Why did you write this? And he just said, aim lower.
01:56
have lower expectations of yourself. And then he walked out the door. And my friend was telling me this. It's a great way to start the school year. Right. And so we were kind of chuckling and it was timely because our friend who's a teacher is outstanding. She does a great job of what she does. And she has really, really high expectations, right? And so it was incredibly wise. And so we just said, man, that phrase, it sounds really counterintuitive, like aim lower. And yet at least the group of us when we were talking about this.
02:25
There was this collective head nod of like, oh yeah, that's actually refreshing news, right? Yeah. There's permission to aim lower. And so, you know, we want to talk about that today because as fall is starting and as the ramp up with school and just feels like it's just a natural season of a new and maybe more busy rhythm, we just wanted to say, hey, what if actually we.
02:53
We did aim lower and why is that needed? And that might open up if we were to to embrace that. So we're inviting everyone to heed the wisdom of an elementary school Yoda. Yes, inviting us to consider a different way of being as we enter into the fall. Yes, I love it. So Jesse, as an Enneagram three.
03:19
as someone who is a recovering addict to performance. When you hear the word. Recovering, as you know. Well, I love how I can call out your issues, you know. Please do, please do. And here I am, my own issues on full display for the world to see, but how do those words land for you? Yeah. Man, I can, like I'm.
03:47
It's kind of smiling, right? As I'm recounting the story and chuckling. And when I actually sit and pause with them and try to let them, you know, actually land, they're really hard to hear. I think there's so much for me when I think about aiming lower, the next sort of outcome or the result of that, at least in my mind, just really quickly is the word disappointment.
04:17
Like if I aim lower, the result of that is one of disappointment, which then begs the question, how does that land? And that means that's of which you and I have talked about a lot, but like is something that's incredibly hard to sit with. And so this this idea as I let it land, it feels really like kind of uncomfortable to say, hey, I'm lower. Means that disappointment is possibility, if not a guarantee. And so. Hmm.
04:46
That feels really hard for me, as you said, recovering addict to performance. That feels blue and like, let's stick to the known space of aiming really high and, and trying to minimize disappointment. Yeah. Well, I mean, as you were talking, Jesse, I was wondering, you know, at the base camps, we have like a BB gun range and we have various things, people, you know, the different kinds of things that people are aiming. Yeah.
05:16
Okay. Yeah. It could be anything from a BB gun to a paintball to a water balloon, right? Whatever it is. When you were talking, I was imagining, you know, a father telling his son or daughter, like, aim lower. And it's not because there are your assumption there and what you just said was that the expectations are lower or whatever. But I'm wondering if the target is actually lower.
05:43
And the higher that we aim, we are overshooting. And if we aim lower, we might actually hit the target more. OK, keep unpacking that. And so it is more of a realistic naming of what is actually feasible and actually true in what we're able to do and engage. Yeah, even with just what you said, that if the words aim lower,
06:10
land on you as if it's going to guarantee disappointment. But if you're aiming higher and you're not hitting the target, then there's guaranteed disappointment. Also true. If the advice or the words of the wise are, you know, our wise elementary school Yoda kid is to aim lower and the target is actually lower, then you're gonna hit it more often and have more of a like repetitive
06:38
I don't want to say the word success or failure, but like repetitive sense of accomplishment because you've actually hit it more frequently or with more accuracy or with whatever. And there is something about that that feels like when you aim to that lower degree, you're going to have your sights more clear. You're going to have a sense of your ability more evident. You're going to have a sense of the possibilities, the realities.
07:08
All of those things are going to be far more likely than if you're aiming high, just for the sake of aiming high. I even wonder if it's like, better to even just say aim. Aim at the actual target instead of aim at an imaginary target that is higher in the hopes that you're going to get something bigger when in fact you just need to aim. That makes a ton of sense.
07:35
Cause I think it is that word aim, at least, at least for me, who you, some listeners resonate that the aim piece often, the aim is not even there. It is just an assumed busyness and assumed production, right? That doesn't, is it preceded by, no, this is, this is what I'm actually going after. It just is, hopefully there is activity and goodness comes from the stirrup of activity. Yes. Yes. I remember when
08:05
Beth and I lived overseas and the mindset that we had, because of a lot of different factors, the culture, how challenging it was to get around the city that we lived in, just some of the barriers, it just took longer to do things. We had the mindset that if we accomplished one thing a day, then we were like, it was a good day. It was a good day. And
08:35
Now, you know, here I am talking about you being a performance addict. Like I'm a calendar addict where I'm like trying to stack everything and make everything. And if there is a window of five minutes between this and that, then I have a task that I've calendared in there to make sure that I get that done. Right. I mean, there's a lot to do. But I wonder as we enter into the fall, what repentance might look like from.
08:57
both the performance addiction, the calendar addiction, and any other addiction that you listeners might have, right? That keeps the hamster wheel spinning really, really fast. What if there was some level of, you know, invitation to repentance in aiming lower, in accomplishing one thing a day, and granted, like we know, jobs, finances, things, like things have to happen. Yeah. But when it comes to, let me put it this way,
09:26
When it comes to our presence in our, for ourselves, with God, with our families, with our friends, right? In all this, when it comes to our presence, isn't it aiming higher is the enemy of presence? Hmm. That if I'm always on that faster hamster wheel, if I'm always looking to get more, aim, have more, be more, shoot for more, that it's taking me away from the presence of what is right before me right now.
09:55
What is happening right now in my family, in myself, in my faith, in my marriage, like whatever it is, can it be more present to that? I love that because that ultimately then is getting at the question, right, of what is most needed? What is most important of which the calendar, the to-do lists, the productivity, right, are very easy, tangible answers to that. And yet the word presence that you just brought up, right?
10:24
that invites, no, actually the people that you're with right now might be most important or presence of God to be attuned to that might be more important. So it's, I think that's helpful reframing, right? To say, Hey, it's not just don't be an asset to productivity and don't just lower your expectations, but it's actually do that because what is invited and what is opened up is this greater, more sincere presence. Yeah. And I feel like
10:52
I don't know if you're like this, tell me if you're like this, but I feel like I put false deadlines on so many things that don't actually have deadlines. Interesting. I don't know what that's like at all. I've seen your notebook. Are there actually deadlines on things? Now granted, there are some things that have deadlines, right? Like there's a deadline for your taxes to be filed.
11:18
There's a deadline for this customer presentation that needs to be made or a deadline for a hiring decision or a deadline for some other financial thing that needs to happen by this certain date. But the reality is I wonder how many deadlines we put on ourselves that don't actually exist and what would happen if we aimed lower on the things we can aim lower on when it comes to those.
11:41
ongoing projects or whatever that stretches it out over the course of time. And we do it in bite-sized chunks rather than making ourselves all stressed and anxious about getting some things done. So I wonder about that. Yeah. I think that makes a ton of sense. I'm also wondering, Chris, so having this conversation as fall is just about ready to start. I'd love to hear some of your thoughts maybe around, why is this an important and timely
12:09
practice to aim lower in light of what summer held. And I'm making an assumption for lots of us that summer was one of those busyness, chaos, maybe dumpster fire. But from my perspective, summer was filled with so many great things and was filled to the brim. And so even with that as the backdrop for what has been over the last couple of months, why is an aiming, why is a lowering of our expectations really helpful?
12:39
Well, again, you just said lowering expectations. I don't know that it's lowering expectations. I think it's actually transforming the investment of ourselves in the moment to be more correctly sized for what we want. So I feel like you just named it at the beginning of the, uh, of our conversation around, you know, like the fall, things get ramped up.
13:04
The sports season gets ramped up. School starts. The new small group at church starts. The fall semester starts. The college kids move in and whatever it is, the new deadlines start. August, September, October, these are just months of the ramp up. And I wonder what would happen if in the aim lower mentality, if we exercised our no more than we exercised our yes. And that's not to be exclusionary, but it's to be picky.
13:34
really, really picky on the things that we are aiming at. Because the other thing that we, you know, if we want to take the aiming metaphor further, right, you can only aim at one thing at a time. Yeah. And so if you're trying to aim at 17 high targets, then you're not going to be able to hit, you know, maybe one of them, but certainly not two. And so if you even just reduce the number of things that you're aiming at, one fall,
14:02
Several years ago when our kids were all still at home and we were in the midst of the fall ramp up Beth and I decided that this was going to be a no sports fall whoo interesting and There was some kickback to that Because everybody wanted to play soccer or everybody wanted to be on whatever team like all the things were ramping up And we decided that it was going to be a no sports fall because of how crazy it was
14:30
with the parent Uber driver all over the place. And we were switching and people weren't eating dinner because we were trying to get to all these places. And it was the school pickup and the drop off and the pickup and the drop off and the pickup and the drop off. And then it was only, you know, seven o'clock. And then it was all the things. So- That's on the floor, because you're exhausted. It was just in an empty gas tank. So, both literally in the car and in your soul. So we decided we were gonna take a whole fall off of sports. In what that-
15:00
In the moment, what that yielded was frustration and anger and confusion in the kids and some FOMO that happened and they got, you know, whatever. But what happened for our family that fall was so much better. We had evenings, you know, the, the fall evenings that went all the way until October with the leaves changing and all those things. We were not sitting on the sideline watching our kids. We were sitting with them, you know, around our own.
15:28
backyard fire and around our own dinner table. Now, that may be possible for some, it may not be possible for many. So I'm not necessarily advocating that, but what I am saying is what if we actually were picky about what we were aiming at? And there's all kinds of great things that sports yields for our children, teamwork and responsibility and showing up and health and like all of those things.
15:55
but it comes at a cost of something else. So what if we were to aim even for a season at something different? Which I think that word cost that you just said is such a helpful one to have a sober assessment to say, yes, there are tremendous possibilities and potential of these different things, but they do come at a cost. And so the willingness even to surface that and to bring that to our awareness feels really helpful. Yeah. Well, there is a cost.
16:25
to so many things that we don't even recognize or count. And so as we think about this idea of aiming lower as men, what does that look like for this fall? What are some thoughts? Yeah, I think your thought around what do you want to aim at, like is just even a helpful starting point of what is some of the outcome, what are some of the values, right? Even for me to say, and to again, surface to like, well, I...
16:53
I hate disappointing people. Not, I'm not saying that's what I want to aim at, but even just to bring that to some of, some of our awareness, I think is helpful to say, what are our motivations and what, what might we want to value as individuals or as families? So I would say that. And then I think the other piece too, goes back to the cost standpoint as well, to just say, look, there will be goodness, I think that can come from that, but it won't be without cost. And so the imaginary scenario of
17:19
Everyone everywhere wins and has an approval rating of 10 out of 10 of which I want to live in It probably doesn't exist. And so yeah some again some naming of that and acknowledge of that feels Feels wise. Yeah, I feel like that is wise to slow down You know we do the at the end of the year December January review of like what has happened in you know this year and what's gonna happen next year and all that I feel like that's actually
17:49
when you've got some rhythm of academic calendar in your life, which many of us do, that's too late. Yeah. Yeah. And I feel like if we do that more in August, September and really evaluate like, okay, how am I going to invest if we want to use cost and investment kind of language? Like how am I going to invest? What do I want to invest in? Let me do a little assessment of where I am. And even just
18:17
How old am I as I enter this fall? If you're married, how old is your wife? If you have kids, how old is each of your kids and what grade are they going into? And as they start that grade now in August or September and finish that grade in nine months in May, what is that child gonna want or need from me if I'm going to invest in them? Yeah. And what about my church? What about my faith? What about my...
18:47
work? What are the things that I want to be really intentional about as I enter into this fall so that I can say that the phrase that I love, I'm going to butcher it because I can't remember it right off the top of my head right now. But something to the degree of he has a strong no because he has a stronger yes. And I feel like when we say aim lower, it's because I have a strong yes at what I'm actually aiming towards. That's right.
19:17
No is okay when you have, you know, all of your yeses already decided, already worked on, already invested in, already talked about with your loved ones. So. But when you don't do that work and the myriad of requests come. It's going forward and going forward and going forward and you get caught up in the tidal wave of all the things. Yeah. So yeah. All right. Well, elementary school, Yoda.
19:47
Whoever you are, we hear you. Well done. We appreciate you. Nameless, nameless wise one. Nameless wise one, yes. Chris, to wrap up, I just wanna put one plug out to our listeners that one of the huge things that works out about Restoration Project is this thing called The Collective, which is an online gathering of restorative men. And this is a place that we've built this year, specifically for men to be able to receive.
20:14
some content, but also some community and some connection with other men that are seeking to continue the journey of being restorative life-giving men. And so it's a space that personally I've really enjoyed and have had tremendous just conversations and has been just a huge gift to me. So would love to again put that on people's radar. It's open all the time and yeah, is a great, great resource, especially as we think about the fall.
20:41
potentially and maybe some new rhythms that we want to engage intentionally. So yes, join us there. Yes. Join us in the collective and you guys, thanks for hanging out with us today. Hopefully you will start to aim lower. Just aim lower.