Jurisdiction

It was late afternoon, dusk just on the horizon and beyond that were Dick's dreams of a quiet evening with a bowl of Spaghettios and a beer. Shattered, knocked over and left as a stain on the carpet while the more urgent business of murder rose to the occasion. The added complication? Too many cooks in the kitchen and not enough food to go around. With a fresh corpse and a morsel of evidence, Dick is determined to keep this one to himself.                         

What is Dick Clever?

It's a classic tale. A lone detective, a dark town, and a victim with a cod piece stuck in their ear. It's the sort of murder that could turn one to drink, to shun society and start a jazz band in his mother's basement. But not Dick. A man who's not quite Poirot, Sherlock, or Jake Peralta, but a man whose very much...well, Dick. Accompanied by a pallet of colourful characters, sharp tongues, wit and humour, we follow Dick and co on a bizarre journey to find truth, justice, and just how long a telephone cord really is.

(Dick Clever, Episode Five, Jurisdiction)

THEME/ JAZZ HORN UNDERNEATH:

DICK: It was late afternoon, dusk just on the horizon and beyond that were
my dreams of a quiet evening with a bowl of Spaghettios and a beer.
Instead I was down in the cold depths of the morgue with the Doc.
Hoping we might be a step closer to catching the Cod Piece Murderer.

SLIDING DOORS, SLIGHT ECHO.

Doc, what have you got?

DOC: Female, mid-twenties, blonde, blue eyes, well endowed.

DICK: Got a name?

DOC: Yes, Pixie.

DICK: Hi Pixie.

DOC: Pixie, this is Detective Dick Clever.

PIXIE: Hiya Detective Clever.

DICK: Call me Dick.

PIXIE: (LIKE CALLING A DOG) Here Dick, come on boy!

DOC: Okay, that's enough of that. Pixie have a coffee break.

PIXIE: Okie dokie.

BIG KISS, A SIGH AND THEN HEELS WALKING OUT OF THE ROOM, DOOR
SLIDING OPEN AND THEN SHUT.

DICK: Seems nice enough.

DOC: She's my new assistant.

DICK: Does she help?

DOC: She certainly doesn't hurt, well... not unless she…

DICK: I get the picture Doc.

DOC: Yes, I e-mailed it to you, didn't I? With her consent obviously. She may
look like a pretty little thing but she’ll rip your heart out and eat it in
front of your mother if you cross her.

DICK: Honestly that might appease mine. Tell me Doc, what does a girl like
that see in a guy like you?

DOC: Oh, I don't know, dining out, friendship, tickets to the wrestling,
jewellery, a flat, big label fashion… (FADES OFF)

GRANDFATHER CLOCK TICKING IN AND OUT

(FADE IN) Overseas holidays, a car, stage shows...

DICK: Okay, I get your point. Anyway, what do you have for me?

DOC: I could get you her sister's number.

DICK: Thanks Doc, but no thanks. I have enough problems with broads, you
know that.

DOC: Have you tried the nasal spray…

DICK: Not that kind of problem.

DOC: What kind of problem, Dick?

DICK: The nagging, the whining, the lying, the cheating, bitching about my
work.....(FADES OFF)

GRANDFATHER CLOCK TICKING IN AND OUT

DICK: (FADE IN) The in-laws, the questions about, do I look big in this,
the….

DOC: Point taken.

DICK: Anyway, what I meant was, what do you have for me about the case?

DOC: Oh...nothing

DICK: Then what am I doing down here?

DOC: Asking me what I have for you.

DICK: Course. Thanks, Doc.

SLIDING DOOR. THEN JAZZ HORN UP.

I left the autopsy rooms and made my way to yet another crime
scene.

STREET AMBIENCE, CAR PULLS UP AND DOOR
OPENS AND CLOSES. JAZZ HORN OUT.

Constable Adhere, move these people back. Cordon off a 300m
perimeter.

ADHERE: Top of the morning to you, Dick.

DICK: It's night.

ADHERE: Well, I'll be amending my report, accordingly. Now what priority
rating is this perimeter?

DICK: Blue.

ADHERE: Very well, one cordon blue coming up.

DICK: Well, now I’m hungry.

KINKY: Hold on Dick, this is our jurisdiction.

DICK: Kinky, what are you doing here?

KINKY: The body is clearly on the South side of the line, which is
technically ours.

DICK: Damn.

BEN: I'm sorry boys, this man was one of us.

DICK: Ben, you mean he was gay?

BEN: No, I mean he was with us, MI6.

DICK & KINKY: Damn.

JACK: Hold on just a moment fellas.

DICK, KINKY AND BEN: Jack?

DICK: Jacky, what are you doing here?

JACK: He was actually one of us, you see?

DICK: A bad dresser?

JACK: No CIA. He was working on a counterintelligence operation that
involved infiltrating MI6.

DICK, KINKY AND BEN: Damn.

BARKER: Hold on just a second.

DICK: Barker, what are you doing here?

JACK: Who's this?

DICK: This is Antonia Barker, she's a parking policeman.

BARKER: And as you can see, the body is in a public carpark. So it's my
jurisdiction.

DICK, KINKY, BEN AND JACK: Damn!

DICK: Look boys, let’s not fight over this one, there's plenty to go around.

BEN: Anyone got a saw?

JACK: Dibs on the head.

THEME SONG UP AND OUT.
END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones