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For anyone who’s been in the opposite place of where they want to be 🩷
Real talk, raw truth and a little sparkle ✨ Kirby discuses sex, relationships, ditching alcohol and what it means to really be happy 🌸
Hey, it's Kirby Myers and you're
listening to Behind the Blonde.
So this is a podcast for anyone
who's ever been in the opposite
place of where they want to be.
Thanks for joining me today.
So I.
I found something that I wrote when I had
just come up on one year, alcohol free.
I'll be five years in April.
So it was kind of like
looking back at a time capsule
back then.
I was just starting to answer
the question, can life actually
be fun without alcohol?
Today I want to talk about that
because it's not what we were taught
and it's better than I ever imagined.
First, I wanna start by reading
you the piece titled Goodbye My
Lover, my Year Without Booze from
My Former Behind the Blonde Column.
So here we go.
Who could you be if you just stopped?
I asked myself this question
more times than I can recall.
At first it was more of a curiosity.
Who could this person looking back
at me in the mirror grow to be.
Then as time passed, it became a
nightly anguish, a reflection in the
glass, staring back at me after steam
showering off the stench of booze and
cigarettes, and aggressively brushing
my teeth before crawling into bed.
A woman I no longer knew, a
woman I didn't want to be.
I needed to stop.
I just celebrated a year
without alcohol or cigarettes.
I quit them together at the exact
same moment because, well, they were
like peanut butter and jelly for me.
They simply went together.
It was a torrid love affair,
really, and in public.
I was really good at showing off
the fun and fiery kind of love,
and when it was just me, my drink
and my ashtray alone on the porch.
It was the dark, desperate, kind, begging
to be over, but unable to walk away.
I knew what must be done, but the act
of doing it just felt so out of reach.
So I spent hours, days, and months
that turned into years pondering
what life would be like if I
actually did it, and I know I don't
get any of those moments back.
What I do have now is time.
And the beauty is that now
time has seemed to slow down.
It's as if there are more hours
in the day, likely because I'm
not wading through it with a head
heavy of anxiety and exhaustion.
Before I stopped, it seemed like
the clock was always slowly trudging
towards 6:00 PM when it felt
appropriate to start drinking again.
I remember being little and having
big, wild, beautiful dreams about
the life I would live and the
things I would do when I grew up.
I remember having endless energy, a mighty
spirit, and a sincere desire for growth.
Now I feel that again, deep in my bones.
Also similar to feeling childlike.
I have needed comfort more than ever.
I find I have needed a figurative hand
to hold as I navigate getting back to the
woman I had always been underneath it all.
I've learned that there is no
singular path to recovery and that
it's okay to appreciate yet decline
avenues that don't work for you.
Most importantly, I need the
woman I would look for in the
bathroom mirror every night.
The one who now has her eyes fully open,
reminding me with her vibrant smile, that
she's fully present and finally home.
Getting sober in your mid
thirties is a funny thing.
It's almost like learning
how to walk all over again.
How do I go to dinner with
friends and not order a drink?
How do I go to this wedding and
be the total dance machine that
I am, questionable moves and all
without a few glasses of bubbly
first, and oh my God, how the hell
do I celebrate my birthday sober?
At some point during adulthood, it
becomes rooted in our brain that
alcohol and fun are synonymous,
but it's not all fun, is it?
Over the last year, there
were times I just stayed home.
There were times when I sobbed
and screamed on my knees.
There were times I just went and breathed
through it, and there were many, many
long walks, but I did get through it
and entire year of zero hangovers.
Damn, it feels good now.
365 days later, I'm convinced
I'm having the most fun of all.
That was really.
It kind of cool for me to
go back and look at that.
I, I used writing as a tool for so long
and I still do, but it grounded me.
It saved me.
It was something that I came back
to almost daily when I was in the
beginning process of giving up alcohol
and it was a form of therapy for me.
It was a way to be able to go back on
the hard days and read where my emotional
state was when I was having a good day,
and help that be the little glimpse
that I needed to keep going one day at a
time, one choice at a time, and I don't.
Read the things I wrote too often, so I
was kind of thinking about where I wanted
to go this week, and I've been thinking a
lot about the fact that on April 25th of
this year, I will be five years without
alcohol, which is a big fucking deal.
It really is.
It's a big deal.
And.
So much has changed in that time.
The six month mark is so different
than the one year mark and the two
year mark, and now the five year mark.
So kind of getting to look back at that
mindset and get through that first year.
And realizing that we are sold so many
lies about alcohol and what it means
and how it fits into our social life,
and that it needs to be at the epicenter
of every event and social gathering.
You realize the longer you step
away from it that the world is so
much more beautiful without it.
Back then, I think I was still
testing the ground beneath my feet,
And I can say this now without
hesitation, alcohol wasn't the fun.
It was the permission slip.
Fun did not disappear.
When I quit drinking, I
just stopped outsourcing it.
I find that now Joy is much steadier.
It's more quiet.
Back then I thought it
had to be loud and crazy.
I was always the wildest
one at every party.
Definitely the last man standing.
I wanted everybody to have the best time
and for a long time I thought I was having
so much fun and maybe I was in certain
moments and it definitely got to a point
where it was not fun anymore at all.
And I think that, you know, we
have talked a lot about how.
I've gotten here what it took to
get here, what that looks like.
In terms of making the choices to
give it up, to be in your knowing, to
find that clarity and move forward.
But we haven't really talked about what it
looks like once it happens and how life.
Is a completely 180 degree
change from what you knew before.
We've talked about socially a little
bit and friends and that dynamic and
how, you know, you lose people, if
the connection was just the alcohol,
if the connection was just bonding
over the cocktail or happy hour.
So the things that I do now for fun, look.
Wildly different.
I find going to yoga in the morning.
So fun.
I find playing Uno with my kids.
So fun I find going on walks with
girlfriends, so fun or playing horse
in the backyard or a game of ping
pong or scratching my dog's belly
when I get home for 20 minutes and
seeing him wiggle around and be happy.
So fun.
There are different versions of fun
for sure, but they are fulfilling.
Versions of fun.
You know,
we were told growing up.
By marketing and movies and people around
us that it was just kind of what you did.
You know, it was, uh, at every
party, it was at every event,
it was at every celebration.
That's one of the things that I find
so bizarre now when I kind of look
back and go, okay, so we have this
big moment, whether it's a a a, a
graduation or a job promotion or the
birth of a child or whatever it may be,
and we always celebrate with alcohol
you know, and these are these
amazing milestones in life.
And then we drink to celebrate them, and
then we wake up the next day and we're a
little slower and we're a little sluggish.
And maybe the night was a little blurry,
maybe it wasn't, but we still wake up the
next day and we're not a hundred percent.
And it's like, why is that?
The way that we would wanna celebrate
something, why wouldn't it be with
total clarity and total conviction,
eyes wide open and enjoying and
savoring every little moment.
You know, we were conditioned.
I think a lot of us were
so conditioned for so long,
you know, so maybe you're
out there and you're sober.
Curious.
I think what's beautiful about the
world today is there's a lot of people
that aren't drinking simply because
of health reasons, not because they
physically have something that the doctor
said you can't drink, but because they
understand now the impact that it does
have on our bodies and on our brains.
So this younger generation especially,
and we're finding more and more people.
I mean, I have met.
More people that don't drink
than I ever thought existed.
And a lot of them simply because
they're like, no, I just, you
know, I just wanna be healthy.
I, I go to the gym, I focus on,
you know, treating my body right
and doing all of the things.
And I think that's so awesome that we are,
you know, going that way in our society.
It's such a great thing to see.
I can't believe when
I think back about it.
I mean, I was like the
pusher of my friends.
I was the big time pusher.
I poured heavy.
And I wanted everybody to,
to stay another hour, to have
another drink, to take a shot.
Shots, shots shot.
It's like, you can't even say
shots without thinking about
that song in the club clubbing.
Oh my goodness.
I was a wild woman.
I was a wild, crazy woman.
And, uh, feels like a lifetime
ago, but yet it was such a big.
Part of my life.
And when I think about that, if I really
started drinking more heavily when I
was probably 19, 20 and I quit almost
five years ago, you know, that was 15
solid years where alcohol was really at
the forefront of everything that I did.
And now I'm almost five years at
the point where it is the furthest
thing from everything that I do.
But these five years have been
the most joy filled, the most
authentic, the most rewarding,
and truly the most fucking fun
that I've ever had in my life
because I don't ever look in the mirror
anymore and question whether I like
the woman that's looking back at me.
If you're in the beginning stages, I can
definitely tell you if you're feeling
anxious and you don't wanna go out, I
still don't wanna go to the social events.
I can tell you just in the last
week alone, there's two times
that I have stayed home because.
I just simply have not wanted to go.
And I, this is interesting.
I had this conversation with a girlfriend,
uh, the other day actually, I thought for
a while after I quit drinking that maybe
I had social anxiety because I would go
to these events now that I used to love
going to, I had to be at every event.
It was almost like a neurosis.
I had to go to every event, gala.
Party, whatever.
It was like I was gonna be there.
Now if it's not a fuck
yes, it's a hell no.
Right?
Let's not forget that.
So it's still my favorite phrase.
If it is not a fuck yes, it is a no.
There's a big, misperception
about me from the social world.
It looks like I'm out and about all
of the time, but I found that I'm
actually really quite a, a hermit.
I'm really a homebody.
I love getting home at the end of the
day and throwing on my comfy clothes.
I love getting dressed up to the nines,
but I love getting my comfy clothes on.
I think it's part of the
extremist personality that I have.
I don't really have a gray area with
a lot of things, so I'm either totally
dressed up or I'm in sweatpants and
a sweatshirt, so put me in those at.
Six o'clock, seven o'clock at
night with my family, with my dog
on the couch, and I am golden.
That's where I feel most
at home, most comfortable.
And so for a while after I quit drinking,
I thought that maybe I had social anxiety.
Because I would go to these
events and I would make my rounds
and, and I would talk to people.
And of course there's people that I
would love to see and I would chitchat
and catch up with, but a lot of the time
you're making small talk when you go
to big parties or whatever it may be.
So I would start to feel after a little
while, like I really wanted to go, like
my time limit, the clock had run out and
I, I needed to go home at that point.
And I'm like, do I have social anxiety?
And the longer it's been.
I've realized I just really don't
have the capacity for small talk
I also find that a majority of.
People, not everybody, but
there's a majority of people that
if you stop asking questions,
maybe it's my 16 years in radio.
I don't know.
I'm, I'm an interviewer by nature,
so if I'm gonna talk to somebody,
or if you sit me at a table and
I'm next to somebody I've never met
before, you know, I'm gonna find out
what your social security number is.
You know, where your
grandmother was buried and.
What your dreams were
when you were a child.
Not exactly, but you know what I'm saying.
Not everybody does that.
So I've tested it before where if
I stop talking or I stop asking
questions, then there's kind of
like that uncomfortable silence.
So.
I think for me it's more, I don't wanna
say like I get bored, but you're just
kind of sitting there and if you're not
having conversations that are meaningful,
that are in depth, then that's not
really where I want to spend my time.
So I think for a while I was mistaking
social anxiety for just not having the
capacity for shallow conversations.
And that sounds harsh, and again,
that's not a sweeping comment.
There's plenty of people when I go
out that I see and I haven't seen
for a while, and I'm so excited
to catch up within a corner.
But it's far and few between, and
when those conversations are over,
I'm ready to kick off my shoes.
And go home and get comfy.
So, you know, we talk about having fun.
You know, to me, the most fun used
to be being at the center of every
event and gathering and party.
And now the most fun is more
often than not just being at
home and playing a game or.
Writing or reading a book.
And again, everything looks
different for everybody.
You just kind of have to figure it out.
You know, I, uh, something I didn't write
about in my one year was that I'll never
forget, so I went with a girlfriend.
Um, we went out with a woman in town,
her name's Madeline, and she's got
a, they call her paddle in Madeline.
She's got a paddleboard company.
I went out with my friend Brittany
at the time, we did a sunrise paddle
'cause I wanted to do more things.
I was like, yeah, I can
now wake up at 5 45.
I think we had to be there at 5 45.
I was like, I can do that.
Like I don't have a hangover.
Fuck yeah, let's go.
And so we went out on this private paddle.
We're in Key West Florida, so you're
talking about gorgeous waters.
It was absolutely serene.
And it was the most magical thing.
We had this like family of dolphins
surround us, not for a moment,
but for a good amount of time.
As the sun came up, these dolphins were
just jumping in and out of the water.
It was magical.
So you know what I did?
I went home and I bought two
paddleboards the next day.
Well, we don't live on the water,
so I told myself that that was
gonna be my new hobby, right?
Because, you know, I saw dolphins
at sunrise, so obviously I was
meant to go, you know, blow
a load on some paddleboards.
They sat in my backyard.
Uh, so when my year anniversary came
up, I told my husband what I wanted
to do was go do a sunrise paddle.
So we got in the car, the sky
looked a little funny that morning.
He got 'em all packed up.
We drove to get a cup of coffee
first, and as soon as we got coffee,
not only did the skies open up, but
it was lightning and thundering and
this crazy storm, and I was like.
Okay, so we're not paddle boarding
on my one year anniversary,
but that was all right.
I didn't, it didn't upset me.
It was, I was so happy to just have made
that milestone and made that achievement.
But the reason I bring that up is because
I ended up giving my paddleboards away
after I realized it just wasn't in the
cards for me unless I lived on the water.
I had a canal in the backyard.
I was not gonna get up and paddleboard
with dolphins on the regular.
Okay.
That was like a beautiful,
you know, moment in time.
But I kept trying new things.
I kept.
Trying to see what I liked and what stuck
and what was gonna be a part of, you
know, my day to day or my weekly routine.
That was my new normal.
That was my new fulfilling kind of fun.
So, you know, just, just try new things.
Don't be afraid, you know, and,
If you've ever found yourself alone with
your thoughts, wondering if life gets
smaller, if you were to give up alcohol,
I promise you this, I, it gets bigger.
I always almost forget to say this,
if you are liking this or this
resonates, or you think it may
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Thank you so much for being here today.
We'll talk next week.
You're listening to Behind the Blonde.