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Lonely Part 1
Sermons from Commons Church. Intellectually honest. Spiritually passionate. Jesus at the centre. Since 2014.
And so when you walk into a room, your brain is already telling you to connect. Chemicals are moving, neurons are firing, blood is being pushed to the parts of your brain that are needed for socialization, even before you have a chance to do anything remotely embarrassing. There are neuropeptides going crazy in a room like this right now. Welcome to the common cast. We're glad you're here, and we hope you find something meaningful in our teaching this week.
Speaker 1:Head to commons.church for more information. We want to say welcome to 2018. And we want to begin this new year together by acknowledging our presence on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot and the people of the Treaty 7 region of Southern Alberta. The city of Calgary is also home to the Metis nation of Alberta region three, and is a privilege for us to gather here on this land to worship. Now, my name is Jeremy.
Speaker 1:It's great to have you here. And whatever your experience of 2017 was like, we want to wish you all the best in this new year. Thank you so much for starting your year here with us at Commons. There's always a lot going on at this time of the year, and so we're honored that you would carve out some of your schedule to be here with us to worship. Now we are about to launch into a new series here this morning, and you can see the lonely artwork up around us.
Speaker 1:But perhaps more exciting is the fact that we are also launching into a new neighborhood today as well. So Inglewood Commons is up and running as of right now. They have begun their service there, and this is all new for us. So we're gonna try a number of things together over this first year. But today, in Inglewood, they are launching into a series called Truth to Power, and you'll see that series in your journal if you flip ahead just a few pages.
Speaker 1:But today, we are on page 63 of the journal starting a series called Lonely. And what's gonna happen is in three weeks, once I finish this series, I'm gonna head to Inglewood, and I'm gonna teach the Lonely series there. And the Truth to Power series is gonna come from Inglewood here to Kensington. And this is all new, so we're gonna try a few different things this year, and we're gonna be looking for feedback. So please, let us know how your experience of is this.
Speaker 1:And if you are interested in checking out Inglewood, then you can head over there next week. You're too late for today, but that's alright. Now, today, before we jump in, I wanna say this, we find ourselves moving into what is known as ordinary time in the Christian calendar today. And that might sound a little strange if you're not familiar with the liturgical calendar. And why do we have a time called ordinary?
Speaker 1:That doesn't sound very exciting, but it's actually really important for us. You see, ordinary time reminds us that the mundane is beautiful too, and that everything is sacred in the Christian story, that even things like our experience of loneliness are made holy. And that's why, especially as we start a new year, where we are making all kinds of resolutions and commitments and goals to remember that once all of that new year energy fades, and the excitement of the new year becomes normal again, to remember that the divine is just as present here in the ordinary as it is in the seasons like Christmas and Advent and Epiphany, that is deeply important for us. And so the very simple fact that our Christian tradition tells us that there's a part of our year, every year, for as long as we are alive, that is ordinary. That is one of the most beautiful.
Speaker 1:And today, in a culture where we all feel the pressure to be extraordinary all the time, perhaps one of the most needed elements of our shared tradition. And so every year, during ordinary time, we try to talk about ordinary things. So last year, it was a series called Ashes, where we talked about forgiveness and how to forgive. The year before that, it was sex and money in the story of Ruth, we talked about sex and money. You can find both of those series online.
Speaker 1:Just go to commons.church/teaching if you think they might be helpful for you. But this is also part of why we've decided to tackle this idea of loneliness right now. Because I think this is a very ordinary thing to struggle with. And so today, I wanna begin by talking about the difference between alone and lonely. Next week, wanna talk about the difference between vulnerability and oversharing.
Speaker 1:And then the final week, I wanna talk about the difference between sex and intimacy and what that means. And this is all really ordinary stuff, but that's why it's important to talk about. But before that, let's pray, and then we'll dive in. God of eternal community, who has existed before time as perfect community, as an ongoing dance of gift and reception. God who came and who took up humanity and who experienced our struggle for connection and belonging.
Speaker 1:God who cried out, why have you forsaken me? And who experienced the loneliness of separation. God who through resurrection came to know reunion and who healed the world and now has invited each of us into your embrace. Would you be with us in our loneliness and through us in our communion with each other? Lord, would you remind us that like you, we were built for connection.
Speaker 1:And so when we feel disconnected or alone, might we become aware of the threads of community in a thousand different ways woven throughout our lives? Where we have been forgotten, would you show us that we are remembered? Where we have been hurt, be present and console us. Lord, where we have lost courage, would you help us to risk again? But most of all, when we find ourselves in pain, might we hear the gentle whisper of your spirit saying, me too.
Speaker 1:In the strong name of the risen Christ, we pray. Amen. Okay. The difference between alone and lonely. And today, we're gonna talk about fitting in, showing up, being alone, the problem with scarcity, and the power of self awareness.
Speaker 1:So that's a lot to get through, but Brene Brown tells a story. And by the way, if you are a little sick of Brene Brown, because she's all over the place right now, my apologies. Because in prep for this series, I have read pretty much everything she has ever written, because she is fantastic, and you should read her stuff. But she a few fans here apparently. But she tells a story about early in her career being invited to speak at a conference and arriving to meet the person who was running the event.
Speaker 1:And she hands this person her bio so that this person can do her introduction. And the woman takes the bio and starts to read it, and Renee says that as she does, she can see this woman's face begin to change from pleasant to surprised to shocked to very concerned. And she finishes, and she looks up, and she says, there must be some mistake. This says that you are a shame researcher. And Brene says, yes, ma'am.
Speaker 1:She's from Texas. Apparently, they are very polite down there. And the woman says, well, that is unacceptable. You're here to talk about being happy and successful. And Renee thinks for a moment, and she says, well, shame can certainly get in the way of being happy.
Speaker 1:And so sometimes we need to deal with that first. That's kind of like being successful. No one says, no, this is just not going to work. First of all, people will be eating. And Renee thinks this is pretty funny.
Speaker 1:But let's be honest here. Do you really want to hear someone talk about shame while you are making the worst noise in the world? Because let's be honest here, chewing is the worst. Misophonia is a thing. Look it up.
Speaker 1:Anyway, the organizers says, no, you are going to get up and you are going to talk about happiness and success because people want light and breezy. Now, if you were looking for light and breezy today, and you came in and saw lonely written on the wall, and you thought, oh my goodness, turning around and walking out. I am sorry. Although, I'm not really sure that's what we want from church. I think we all want a little substance in our lives.
Speaker 1:My son, this week, told me that Captain America is boring now, and all the other heroes need to join together to stop him. And I thought, are we talking about cartoons or Twitter right now? So even my four year old wants some drama in his life. Light and breezy is not for him. However, more importantly, what Brene goes on to talk about is how she did get up on that stage, and she did spend sixty minutes telling a room full of people eating their lunch that happiness is important, and success is important.
Speaker 1:Happiness is important because your success depends on how happy you are. Basically, she just regurgitated some nonsense until her time was up. Then she got in her car, and she cried herself all the way home. Because as she says, she should have just said to this woman, listen, I have a PhD in shame research, and I'm happy to talk, but that's what I talk about. Now, who here has ever found themselves in a situation like this?
Speaker 1:Or maybe not giving a talk about shame while people eat, but how about forcing yourself into a mold that doesn't really fit for you? Just so that you don't offend or disappoint or rock some kind of proverbial boat. Well, we call this fitting in. And although that doesn't sound like a particularly remarkable nomenclature, there's actually a lot of research about fitting in. And you see this when people are dating.
Speaker 1:You meet this person, and you're really into them. And you find out they like Star Wars, and you're like, yeah, of course, I love Star Wars. I mean, Picard was way better than Kirk. Am I right? Boom.
Speaker 1:Your relationship is sabotaged. And if you don't get that joke, then you should just change the conversation whenever sci fi comes up around you. Maybe this one. You have grown up in Calgary, and you bleed red, and not just because we all bleed red. No.
Speaker 1:You bleed red because you grew up in Calgary. But you get married to a sweet, beautiful woman, except that she's from Saskatchewan, and all of a sudden, there are pictures of you on the Internet dressed in green like this. And obviously, I have protected the identity of this person because they are part of this community, and I don't want them to be embarrassed, Cam. But bad jokes aside, we do this all the time. Right?
Speaker 1:And it's often our mindset that sabotages meaningful connection. So you come into a room, and it's full of people that you don't know. And immediately, you are looking for points of connection. And what music do they listen to? Because I listen to that.
Speaker 1:What political views do they hold? I have those too. What is the spiritual tenor of this conversation? Perhaps, what teams or pop culture references or Internet memes do I need to talk about in order to show that I fit here? So here's one that I'm working on.
Speaker 1:You know when you're talking to someone and they reference something that you don't get, but it feels like it's important, and so you just nod along as if you know exactly what they're saying. I do this all the time. Well, yeah, I know about the anterior cingulate cortex and its effect on the experience of social pain. Totally. Of course, I do.
Speaker 1:No, I don't. Although, I did read about that this week, and we're gonna talk about it because it's fascinating. But why do we do this? We do it because we think that if we show that we're different or that we don't know the appropriate social cues, we won't fit and we'll be left lonely. Except, what is it that really happens when you give in to that voice that tells you to nod along?
Speaker 1:Well, you do it because you wanna feel connected, but what really happens is that you begin to feel small and inadequate. And you feel more disconnected from the person in front of you because you know they're not really talking to you anymore. They're talking to an illusion that you've put forward, one that you're gonna have to keep up if you wanna stay in that conversation. Now, this is a super small example, but it's incredibly freeing once you get in the habit of just saying, I have no idea what you're talking about, but it sounds fascinating, so tell me more. And that is a sentence that I'm working really hard to work into my vocabulary.
Speaker 1:And it might seem inconsequential, but here's the key. Every single one of us is built for social connection. And I think we would all agree with that based on our experience of being human. Although, I do think that we should be careful not to project our experiences onto everyone else. We may share some basic human experiences, but we are all still unique in how we process them.
Speaker 1:However, even at a neurochemical level, it appears that we are all wired for socialization. I joked earlier about the anterior cingulate cortex, but the work of a guy named Matthew Lieberman has shown that this is the part of the brain that seems to act as a warning center for us. It lets us know when something is wrong. But in an fMRI scan, this part of the brain responds to social pain the exact same way it does to physical pain. There are studies that have shown that opiates, it's just things like heroin, but also OxyContin and Vicodin.
Speaker 1:They quiet down the parts of the brain that respond to social isolation. Babies that are born addicted to opiates, they don't cry for their mothers the way that a normal baby does because that neurochemical need is being met by a drug. Now that's disastrous for an actual living human baby. And so when you walk into a room, your brain is already telling you to connect. Chemicals are moving, neurons are firing, blood is being pushed to the parts of your brain that are needed for socialization, even before you have a chance to do anything remotely embarrassing.
Speaker 1:There are neuropeptides going crazy in a room like this right now. But what happens when your goal is to fit in at all costs and you don't? Well, you feel shame, you feel embarrassed, you feel small. And every one of us has felt that before. I don't care how popular I think I am.
Speaker 1:That was a joke. But what changes when you know you need connection, And you recognize that trying to fit in is actually going to get in the way of that. And so you promise yourself you're not just gonna nod along, you're gonna show up, and you're gonna be seen, and you're gonna trust that others reciprocate. I'm gonna suggest there's a better chance you make a connection that way, but what happens when you don't? Well, it hurts.
Speaker 1:And you might feel sad, you feel disappointed, you might grieve, you might even be angry and upset by it. But what you won't have to feel is unworthy of love and connection. And what's important here is that this is one of the ways we can think about the difference between alone and lonely. You see, alone is a function of our social circumstance. And it can be good or it can be bad, and sometimes it's actually really important to be alone.
Speaker 1:My son is four, and he is now really starting to understand and assert his need for alone time. And it hurts a little bit when he tells me to leave, but I know it's important. And some of us need to make peace with being alone. But loneliness, on the other hand, is often a function of our sense of social value. Whether we are worth belonging, whether we deserve to have connection, whether we are searching for intimacy, or whether we are actually the barrier to finding it.
Speaker 1:And when you walk into a room with a desire to fit in and you don't, you're the problem. And that can create all kinds of toxic narratives that begin to shape our sense of self. When you walk in and you promise yourself, I'm gonna show up, I'm gonna be seen, and I'm gonna look for connection because I know I need it. And you don't find it. It still hurts.
Speaker 1:And trust me here, nobody rides for free. It doesn't matter how effortless it might seem from the outside. Everyone knows that awkward sting of feeling rejected. But when you know who you are and you let yourself be seen, rejection hurts, but it doesn't define you because you're not the problem. And this is how important our mindset is when it comes to this conversation of being alone and being lonely.
Speaker 1:And I wanna show you what I'm talking about and draw what I think are some helpful takeaways from a very small, tiny, little snapshot in Jesus' life. And it's recorded by the writer of the gospel of Matthew. But it's sort of tucked in so quietly that it often gets lost between two more famous moments in Jesus' life. I think there's a lot to pay attention to here though. See, in the book of Matthew, in chapter 13, Jesus gives this sermon.
Speaker 1:And we actually did an entire series on this sermon. It was called the sermon by the sea. You can find it online. But this is a sermon where Jesus tells some of his most famous iconic parables. The parable of the soils, the parable of the wheat and the weeds.
Speaker 1:I mean, all of these fantastic stories about the kingdom that Jesus is famous for. And in fact, he gathers such a following during the sermon that he has to push out in a boat into the water just so more people can gather in along the shore to listen to him speak. And then coming out of that sermon in chapter 14, this huge crowd that is pressed in to listen him speak, they start to get hungry. And Jesus wants to make them lunch, but he's only got five loaves of bread and two fish at his disposal, but he decides to say a blessing anyway. And he just starts handing out food, and when all is said and done, everyone has eaten, and somehow there are baskets of bread left over.
Speaker 1:Now, those are big moments, and no wonder they get a lot of press. But right in between them, there is this awkward little interlude where Jesus gets some hard news. Just as he finishes his sermon, someone comes and tells him that one of his friends, a man named John the Baptist, a man who baptized Jesus in the Jordan River has been executed by the ruler of the area, a man named Herod. The writer of the gospel then interjects this interlude where he explains what has happened in Herod's court, but then he turns his attention back to Jesus and he writes that when Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns and when Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick, and then he made them lunch.
Speaker 1:But there's a couple of things here that I think are really fascinating. First of all, Jesus very clearly understands the value of being alone. And you see this all throughout the gospels. Mark one, very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house, and went out to a solitary place to pray. John seven, after his friends had gone up to the feast, then Jesus also went up, not publicly, but by himself.
Speaker 1:Matthew 15, Jesus went on from there and walked alone beside the Sea Of Galilee. And then Luke five, it actually just says that Jesus often withdrew to lonely places. So this is someone who is clearly not afraid to be alone. But more than that, I think what this story shows is that Jesus really understands that sometimes we tend to use the presence of people to stop ourselves from understanding what's going on inside of ourselves. Now, we all respond differently to different things.
Speaker 1:But notice here that when Jesus gets this hard news, his first instinct is to say, I need to step back, and I need to feel this fully. And, yes, there are people around me, people who love me, people who support me, and I wanna be there for them. But right now, I need to process what's going on inside. And sometimes, what we think of as loneliness is really about the fact that we are trying to avoid feeling deeply. And if you are using the presence of people and filling up your social calendar, all so that you don't have to feel what's happening inside of you, I promise you, this will only make you lonelier.
Speaker 1:The antidote to loneliness is not busyness. It's the courage to show up and be seen. And if you don't know what's going on inside of yourself, then it's almost impossible to do that in a real way. Now hear me here. Not everyone is gonna process bad news the way that Jesus does.
Speaker 1:That's not what I'm saying. Sometimes we need to be alone. Sometimes we need people and support around us. And how that looks for you is gonna come from how you understand yourself. But what I'm saying is we need to recognize from Jesus this willingness to step back and be introspective about what's happening inside.
Speaker 1:Second, Jesus seems to understand the problem with a scarcity mindset when it comes to loneliness. I think sometimes we get in this space where we start to think, well, if I don't show up at this party, or if I don't go to that event, if I don't make myself seen now, then I will never be seen again. And that might sound silly, but don't tell me you haven't felt that before. I mean, even the introverts among us who are silently thinking, never being seen again sounds so warm and cozy. And we all fall into this trap of now or never, especially when we're in a crisis.
Speaker 1:And I can imagine Jesus getting this news and knowing somewhere inside that he needs to pull back and process it, but then there's this other voice. This voice that says, yeah, but Jesus, there's this crowd. And they are hanging on every word you say. You've got them eating out of the palm of your hand, and they love it. What if they're not here when you come back?
Speaker 1:Do you understand how hard it is for me not to be on call all the time for anything to do with Commons Church? Do you understand why that's hard for me? It's not because I care about you. Although, I do deeply care about you. But the reason it's hard for me is because being needed and wanted and important feeds something very close to my sense of self identity.
Speaker 1:And when I'm operating out of a scarcity mindset, then every ounce of attention I can get is like heroin, and I mean that neurochemically. When I'm healthy, and I'm operating out of a sense of abundance like Jesus, and I recognize, actually, we're all in this together, and I am always going to be needed because I will always need community. Then all of a sudden, I can step away, and I can listen to Bobby preach, and I can turn off the notifications on my Facebook, and I can do me, and yet I can still come back and do this. And Jesus reminds me that sometimes it's okay to say no because loneliness won't be overcome by more volume. It's overcome by the courage to show up and be seen.
Speaker 1:Now there's one more piece here. And I think it draws this together in a way that really gets at what it means to be mature as a social being. Jesus gets this news. And he knows he needs to process it. Even though there are people waiting to shower him with their attention, he decides to step away.
Speaker 1:But then, in Matthew 14 verse 14, it says that when Jesus landed, he saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them. Now, let's be honest here. Is this what Jesus was hoping to see when he rode his boat ashore? I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess no. He has pushed out his boat from Capernaum, and we don't know exactly where he lands.
Speaker 1:But if it's across the lake, we're talking about a couple miles at most. So maybe he has an hour alone to process the death of a close friend. And then he lands, and here is a crowd of sick and hungry people who want his attention. And if you want to give your life to people, scarcity won't be a problem because everyone is hurting. But what does Jesus do?
Speaker 1:Because if it was me, I would have rode up and I was seeing the people, and then I would just immediately just rode right back out. Like, how bad do you want it? You wanna swim? Come get it. But what does Jesus do?
Speaker 1:Well, Jesus finds this compassion within himself. And this is really what human relationships are all about. Do you know yourself well enough to know what it is that you need so that when it's appropriate, you can choose to sacrifice that for someone else? You see, my guess is that Jesus does not want to be here right now. And my guess is that Jesus knows this is not what he needs right now, but my guess is that Jesus knows himself well enough that he knows he can set what he needs aside for a time to be present to those who need him right now.
Speaker 1:You see, there is this incredibly nuanced relationship between self care and self forgetfulness in our lives. And if we don't work to figure out a balance between those two things, then everything else will get out of whack. If you focus all of your energy on what you need in looking after yourself, I promise you will find yourself very lonely. But at the exact same time, if the only thing that drives you is looking after others caring for their needs, and you don't spend time to look after yourself. The types of relationships you surround yourself with and what it is you need to ask from the people who are near you, what you need to give yourself in order to be and stay healthy.
Speaker 1:Well then ironically, I can promise you you will find yourself just as lonely again. Because if you don't take the time to know who you are, then you won't be able to show up and be seen. And you may have lots of people around you and lots of people who want something from you, but that alone will not meet your need to belong. Because as human beings, we are built for this give and take of relationship. And often, loneliness is the result of finding ourselves stuck at one end of that equation.
Speaker 1:So my prayer for you as we begin this new conversation and this new year together is that you might begin to sense in your spirit what it is you have to offer to those near you and what it is you need to receive from them. Let's pray. God, as we begin this discussion, might we recognize inside of each of us this experience of loneliness that gnaws at our soul, this recognition that each of us are shaped and developed to be in connection with others. God, might we understand that that will look different for each of us, and that we don't need to fit in, we don't need to shape ourselves to look like the person beside us, but that we do need to be seen and known. And so, Lord, would you help us to walk through this nuanced relationship between self care?
Speaker 1:What do we need? What do we need to ask for? Who do we need to bring in and near us in order to feel whole? And also this sense of self forgetfulness. What do we have to give?
Speaker 1:What can we offer? What can we sacrifice from ourselves to care for those who are near? And God, we do, and we find that balance, and we experience your spirit with us in and through us, might we come to understand community woven in a thousand different ways throughout the threads of our life. This is who we were built to be because we are a reflection of the God who is divine community within. God, help us to value who we have been made to be and to pursue that with courage and humility.
Speaker 1:In the strong name of the risen Christ, we pray. Amen. K. Next week, we're gonna talk about the difference between vulnerability and oversharing. Sometimes we think they're the same, but they are very different things.
Speaker 1:But we will end as we always do with this. Love God, love people, tell the story, have a great week, we'll see you next Sunday.