The Ryan Hanley Show

Embark on a transformative journey with Cyrus Jaffery, as he unfolds his incredible ascent from the war-torn streets of Afghanistan to the heights of entrepreneurial success in the U.S.

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Connect with Cyrus Jaffery


Witness firsthand how a cramped Pakistani apartment with six siblings became the crucible for his resilience, and how these foundations of unyielding determination propelled him to lead a team of 160 in the vibrant spheres of insurance and technology. His memoir, "Triumph after Trauma," offers a raw, powerful testament to the human spirit's capacity to triumph over adversity.

Delve into Cyrus's world of familial complexity and the stark influence such relationships can have on one's character and drive. His candid narration on the intricate dance with his father, who, despite providing a rocky model, imparted pivotal values such as discipline and punctuality, emerges as a cornerstone in his personal and professional evolution. 

The conversation also sheds light on the poignant transition to American life, demonstrating how embracing change—no matter how daunting—can lead to the discovery of inner strength and the inadvertent guidance negative role models can provide.

Closing the chapter on this inspirational saga, Cyrus offers a treasure trove of wisdom, highlighting the paramount role of mindset, the embrace of failure as a catalyst for growth, and the fortifying power of disciplined daily routines. 

His stories weave a tapestry of success, illustrating that nurturing strong relationships and maintaining personal well-being are not just complementary but essential to professional achievement. Absorb the insights of a man who chases passion with fervor, and allow his journey to inspire you to turn life's trials into your own launchpad for greatness.

Creators & Guests

Host
Ryan Hanley
Entrepreneur. Speaker. Advisor.

What is The Ryan Hanley Show?

Get unstuck and leave a mark on the world.

Dive deep into the raw insights from top minds in leadership, business, and performance, delivered through conversations so candid they'll make you feel like an insider.

We challenge the status quo because it's clear—conventional thinking has led many to dissatisfaction, poor health, and financial hardship. But not you. This podcast delivers the unguarded truths and actionable strategies the gatekeepers kept to themselves.

Hosted by Ryan Hanley, a relentless leader and performance strategist—this is the way.

00:02 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
let's go. Yeah, make it look, make it look, make it look easy. Hey, stand up, guy, boom. 10 toes big body, pull up in a range. Rose, I could chase the whole game when I say so I pull up, shut it down. Yeah, they know running this game in a game for me. I never switched up. No change.

00:17 - Cyrus Jaffery (Guest)
Welcome back to the show. Today we have a conversation with cyrus jaffrey. Cyrus is an entrepreneur, he's a speaker, a podcaster, he's a family man, he's a board member, and all of these things were born out of this tremendous story. His home was literally bombed in Afghanistan. He was forced to move to Pakistan, in which he lived in a one-room apartment with six brothers and sisters and his mom somehow found his way to the United States and has now become a multi-time entrepreneur founding multiple brands in the insurance industry and the technology industry. He has more than 160 people working for him across all his brands.

01:04
This story is amazing. It shows you that with determination, with the right mindset, with the right focus, with the right belief structure, we can make anything we want out of our lives. This is what Peak Performance is all about. It is what this podcast is all about, and I love bringing stories like Cyrus's to you. So with that introduction and no further avail, let's get on to Cyrus Jaffray.

01:35
I'm good man. I'm excited to have you on the show. I'm excited to talk about your journey. I really want to focus on the entrepreneurial parts of it. I think that's really where I'd like to talk about. I mean, obviously we can talk a little bit about the insurance stuff, but I really want to know, like I mean, dude, you have such an interesting story like being on your show and getting to know you just a little bit and then just digging in afterwards and learning more about what you're doing. I think it's incredible and I guess I'd love for people who don't know your story and maybe aren't familiar with you. You kind of gave me some of your background before we went live on your show, but I'd love for you to maybe just kick it off here. Start us off by telling us a little bit about where you came from, how you got into being an entrepreneur and business and all that kind of stuff. Just give us a little bit of the backstory.

02:24 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Yeah, man, I'm originally from Afghanistan, man, so I think that kind of throws off people when you're like okay, so I'm two years old, the story is actually right here. So my book just came out Literally it's the first copy. I just got Awesome Triumph after trauma, and my whole life story is basically just dealing with adversity, is just basically having a winning attitude. So, two years old now, I was in Afghanistan. Mom and dad are born there, so we're basically hanging out. That's the early 90s, when the Taliban came and invaded Afghanistan and they bombed our house. My mom and dad are in there. My dad comes into the house and says hey to my mom, hey, our neighbor's house got got hit and there's a lot of dead bodies. I gotta go help. My mom is fighting him because my mom's pregnant. I'm with my younger brother who is a year old, or my older brother who is four years old, and it's me I'm two years old, and they're like fighting because my mom's like dude, you gotta get your kids out of here. You can't be worried about other bodies, because we will be next. And as soon as she says that, dude, our house gets hit, um, uh, with, uh, with a bond and debris everywhere, man, I go under a table my mom sides open. I've got on the back of my head actually scars from it. That's in the book, um, from it, that's in the book because I was bleeding from my head and somehow, man, we all got out of that house. Somehow, man, it was not my time at the time, so I guess to be the end of it for me, we go to a hospital for a week.

03:52
And then so the Taliban, when they invaded Afghanistan, man, they wanted to control everything, so they shut the whole country down, and so you couldn't go from roads to get away to go to other countries, because they wanted to keep everybody internal. So you couldn't go from Rhodes to get away to go to other countries, because they wanted to keep everybody internal, so you couldn't go through the main roads to escape. So you basically had to. We had my mom. My dad had to pay like 50,000 a person to go to a remote place, get in a helicopter and then from there they'll take us to Pakistan, which is the neighboring country, to be safe. And my older brother and older sister were already there because there was some war. My dad worked for the US military, so he heard something, so they got the two of them out to go to school there six months before, but he didn't know that things were going to turn really bad that quickly. So it did happen and we got stuck there. So my mom walked for two weeks to me she's pregnant and then my older brother. She would walk during at night and then during the day she would just hide because she didn't want to be seen because if they see you they don't care. Man, the Taliban at the time didn't care, and so she did that.

04:55
We got to this remote place. This is a crazy story because we get to this remote place, there's six helicopters me and my mom and we get into one helicopter. My mom is just freaking out and she's praying really, really hard and the helicopter, the pilot, is like dude, lady, stop freaking out, get in this, let's relax. So we get up in the air. Dude, we're up in the air. There's six helicopters, kabul River is underneath us, the largest river, and I spin one or two times and then he just kept going. Man, it just grazed the bottom of the helicopter. The other five fall in the Kabul river. I'm a hundred percent positive. Everybody is dead, except for our helicopter, somehow. So so my story starts with the first two years of my life. You know like we pretty much like I, should have been dead two times easily, right, like so. But God had a different, different plan for me, and so we got to.

05:44
We got to Pakistan and we're 12 years old, lived in refugee camps for a year and then found a, found an apartment and we we stayed there for 12 years and tried, because my, my, my dad's side, their whole family is, is in, is in Omaha, nebraska at this point, because my, my oldest, my dad's oldest sister's husband worked for the university of Kabul. They had a relationship with university here in Nebraska. He came as a professor and then brought all his brothers and sisters as refugees to the US. My dad was the only one out of 12 that said I don't want to go, I love what I do. He was an entrepreneur himself. He owned restaurants and gas stations in Afghanistan back in the 70s. He was like I don't want to do that. You know he Afghanistan back in the 70s. He was like I don't want to do that. He was a little bit older at the time and so that's why we stayed and we never came here, and then we had to deal with this. We stayed in Pakistan for 12 years.

06:37
One bedroom man, six of us kids in one room sleeping on the floor, going and fetching water to give a bath. There's no bath showers. You had to go grab water there. It's not running water at the time. You had to go grab water a mile away, bring the water and then use the same water with six of us once a week to shower before you go to school on monday.

06:53
So like, but you didn't know any better man we were like, it was me and my brothers I have two or three of my brothers are within two years apart so like man and everybody else was living the same way. So like, you have no idea. You think we played cricket. We played outside all the time. So like we had no, we didn't know what life was like other than the life that we were living. So we thought we were hitting lottery because we skipped out. You understand right. So, anyways, uh, tried 10 times to become a refugee. Hit the lottery. Uh, I, I believe it was May of 2002, six months before or seven months after 9-11, we get approved to come to the US. We come here. I'm a freshman in high school. I don't speak English, my brother doesn't speak English. 9-11 just happened. We don't look the same. We look like we're from those countries that pretty much got them to the broad 9-11.

07:50 - Cyrus Jaffery (Guest)
So it was a tough upbringing, but yeah, man so that's kind of like my backstory of how we go from Afghanistan to Pakistan to come to the US. So, when you get to Afghanistan, is your dad reengaging his kind of entrepreneurial spirit? Is he, uh? Did he find a job? Is he trying to start businesses like? Like, obviously and we're going to get into more of your, what you're currently doing as we go but I'm really interested in how you have had this, this entrepreneurial nature, embedded into you. Is this like?

08:24
Obviously you saw it, but you were two years old, right? I mean, you were two years old when you first left Afghanistan for Pakistan, sorry, and now you're in Pakistan. Is he continuing to push that? Is he teaching you? Is he talking to you Like, are you guys? Is he, you know? How is your dad or any family members influencing you at this time as you're continuing to grow? I mean, you were, you were there. For what you? You were a, a freshman height, that's what. 13, 14, that's 12 years, that that you were living there. Um, what was that like, uh, and and do you think that played a role in your, in who you are today, in terms of the entrepreneurial side?

09:01 - Speaker 3 (Host)
obviously it impacted you immensely as a person yeah, honestly, man like, um, not real my dad like would come, could come to to pakistan for six months and then he'll leave for six months. He'll come in for three months and then he'll leave for six months. And we had a terrible relationship, to be honest, with you. We still do because, like my dad was old school, like you know, like we got beatings all the time. We got beatings all the time. But that's how his parents were, so by no means like he was just like hey, I'm trying to be, I'm trying to set rules. So one thing I learned about my dad man is like the discipline of like hey, man, like you've got to do things right, you've got to be on time, like we would get beat if like so over there back home, like there was no, we didn't have cell phones or watches, so you don't know the time. So you go play. We're playing in this playground, which is about a mile away, and then over there, so there's prayers, so big noises come out. It's time to pray. Everybody prays in Pakistan and Afghanistan or Muslim countries. So you see these loud noises. When those loud noises come and my dad is in town, that means I'm late. That means, dude, you got to be home. We're just booking it as fast as we can, that fast mile to get home, and that bell rings for two or three minutes to get home and then, when you come home, my dad's praying and you're slowly going behind and trying to sneak into the house saying you're not late.

10:23
So my dad didn't teach me a lot about, um, the entrepreneur side of things. My dad didn't teach me a lot about, about, about how to become a dad, how to be a good dad, how to be a one, any of that stuff. What he did teach me was the discipline of like, okay, um, how do you, first of all, how do you? How do you? How do you treat people? How do you? How do you in his in, his in capacity, how do you raise kids, and on how to truly be just disciplined and all the other stuff and how to treat other people with respect and all of that stuff. Those are the things that I took from my dad, not his entrepreneurship.

10:58 - Cyrus Jaffery (Guest)
Yeah, I didn't have the best role models from a male perspective as well, growing up in terms of my dad and my stepdad, and you know what I took a lot from them at that time in their lives. They both have since come around and are really good grandfathers to my children, but, as you know, when they were you know my stepdad and my dad not, you know I basically lived from the standpoint of I want to do everything the opposite of what these guys are doing. So it was like seeing. You know sometimes if you can have the right perspective, even if that person is not a role model. In so much as I want to be who this person is, I want to model myself after them.

11:39
They can almost be the negative right. They can be the opposite and say, okay, I'm going to take how they, the things they did, the way they treated me or the way they treated my mother or whatever, and it almost does provide even a stronger framework At least that's what I've found as to what I don't want to be. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to be an addict, I don't want to be a fly off the hinge or or or not be trustworthy in my emotional state or how I'm going to speak to you, or the physical violence piece, right. So, like, I do think that it seems like you've been able to put in perspective you know, and not perpetuate that, and in doing so you probably use your dad almost as like a here's, what not to do in some cases, right, and that can be just as strong, I think, for us, I don't know particularly as strong I think, for us, I don't know, particularly for guys. I think that you oftentimes can look at that male role model and say they're basically giving me a case study on who. I don't want to be in that standpoint.

12:35
So, all right, so tell me. You said you hit the lottery, tell me what it was like. And obviously I'm a white kid from the country in upstate New York, right, so I have no idea what it's like to be a refugee in Pakistan and to get a letter, a call, a message, whatever that says hey, you have the opportunity to go to the United States. What's that moment like for you guys? What's the conversation? How much time do you have? Just talk me through that process a little bit, because that's it's just such a foreign, a foreign experience to me and probably most of the people listening. I'd love to just know a little bit about what that was like and what you were thinking in your head.

13:11 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Yeah. So remember, we did nine interviews and after that final interview they tell you okay, all right, you guys are going to the US, or no, you're not. But by the ninth one I was like, hey, hey, we're just gonna go do this again, um, and then it's just not gonna, it's just not gonna work. So I'm gonna, dad, I'm, I gotta go, I gotta go play, because, like, I really enjoy that, being outside and playing sports and stuff like that.

13:32
So for me it was when we, when we did get the news, it was one of those things where, like, oh, oh, okay, um, this is gonna be different. It was like, dude, I had my life there, man, I had friends there. I had my life there, man, I had friends there, I had my life, I had everything that I had going on for me. Man, I thought I was living the dream, I was, I was doing certain things. I thought I was going to grow up there and do certain things, and I didn't know anything about the U? S. So it didn't really, I didn't really have any expectations. It was almost like my mom was, like was like taking me from somewhere where, like, I was, like I was, I was having a good time and like being a party pooper and taking me somewhere else and kind of disrupting my life, almost Right. But one thing I would tell you about my mom is she's a she's a go-getter man and she, she has her mind on something Um would have. She escaped and walked for two weeks to get us to the helicopter to get us to Pakistan.

14:17
As a single mom and raising six kids, um, the way she's raised those six kids and then leaving her husband back home. And her husband didn't come. My dad didn't come, coming here and saying, hey, I'm going to do what's best for my kids and raise these guys into certain individuals. So I took a lot from my mom versus my dad, of course. But the moment was like, man, no, because we've been going and going and going, this was another time of like, okay, now we got to go somewhere else. It was like, damn mom, like I don't want to do that. So I cried for the first 30 days. I promise you, man, I came here because I was like I didn't want to be here. It's different, it's not the same. I don't speak the language, not the same people. They don't like me, they treat me as an outsider, especially at that time. So, like that first part was pretty tough. And and that moment when they told me, man, I had some regrets, I had some bad feelings at the time about leaving.

15:09 - Cyrus Jaffery (Guest)
Was it fairly easy for you to integrate into Pakistan Relatively.

15:18 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Yeah, I mean I was two. So it was one of those things where my mom was just like all right, so I kind of like I know Pakistan, I don't know Afghanistan. So it was one of those times where I mom was just like all right, like, so I kind of like I know pakistan, I don't know afghanistan. So it's one of those times where I don't really remember afghanistan much. Uh, writing the book and going through the past and then interviewing my dad and my uncles and my aunts back home brought back some memories, but I was still pretty young, so I don't really.

15:39
And when you deal with some trauma a lot of times, man, I'm seeing um, seeing a therapist and looking through a lot of things that I've dealt with in life and when you deal with some of those things, man, you kind of almost block a part of your life. That was very challenging and you don't want to talk about it. You don't want to hear about it. You're almost like that never happened, but it shapes you who you are. You need to talk about it and, honestly, if you don't talk about it, it's going to keep inside of you for a long time and it's just not going to be well for you.

16:07 - Cyrus Jaffery (Guest)
I think I actually said this on your podcast when we were talking. The best advice I ever got was back in 2017, 2018. A mentor of mine said go find a counselor or someone you can talk to. It's got to be someone outside your family, someone you pay, and go see them every other week for the rest of your life and consider it just a life expense. And I've done that for the most part and I'm with you.

16:33
Man, you start talking about things and it's funny how, you know, I read a ton, I consume a ton, I think about a lot of topics, I write a lot of topics. I write a lot, a lot of topics. But when you actually sit down with someone and you hear the words come out of your mouth, as they're asking you questions and you're explaining, and you're like and I've found and I love your feedback on this, since you have this trauma and you have all these experiences and now you've recreated them in your mind through your book right, like I found that I would say something and I would, I would like stop myself and be like is that, is that really the way I feel about that, or did it really happen that way, or you know. And then, as I talked about it more, it was like I started to go, wow, I've pretended like I felt this way about this, or I boxed this this up, or I never really dealt with this issue. Or man, I've literally never told another human about this situation or how I felt about this or what happened in this moment, and and then you can start to deal with it.

17:46
It definitely is wild when you are explaining something to a counselor or a therapist, whatever, and you hear certain words come out of your mouth and you're like I don't know, your internal monologue would have never said that, but when you verbalize it and you hear it, it really starts to set it in your head. One is that a shared experience? Is that something that you found? And two, like how has that been going through the process of writing a book and recreating these past experiences? How has that impacted you?

18:17 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Man. I would say going to him for the last six to 12 months or whatever that I've been going, has made me a better husband. I'm a better communicator, I open up a lot more, I share a lot more. I just feel like man. There's one thing in my life that I never shared with anybody in my life and then talking to, like a counselor or a therapist, whoever things just come out of your mouth, almost it's like wow, like I can't believe, like I've never even told my wife this, I've never told the person I care about the most because, whether it was embarrassing or anyways, I was really young when this thing happened and so like it's not my fault that somebody took advantage and all that stuff. And so I think, there you are, bud Dude Ryan.

19:13 - Cyrus Jaffery (Guest)
No, you're good, You're good. You just dropped on me, that's okay. Hey, let's restart at. You said you started to hear things come out of your mouth and you became a better communicator with your wife, better communicator with your family, that kind of stuff Right around. There is where it started to get a little choppy, okay, and kind of stuff, right?

19:29 - Speaker 3 (Host)
around. There is where it started to get a little choppy. Okay, and you said and I just sent a message to the team, so I think we're going to be just fine moving forward.

19:35 - Cyrus Jaffery (Guest)
Apologize for that, no good, oh good, man Happens. You were talking about how, when you started meeting, some things started coming out of your mouth that you hadn't said before, some stories you hadn't even shared with your wife, and that has made you a better communicator, so that they're around there.

19:51 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Yep, yeah, so. So it has, man. It has made me a better communicator and, and the biggest reason being is because, like when you can tell, like your dark, deep secrets to to somebody that you just met, like six months ago, um, and and and I think it feels a lot better to to say that to somebody, because that person is not going to judge you right and, like, your significant other is not going to judge you, your mother and sister is not going to judge you right and, like, your significant other is not going to judge you, your brother and sister is not going to judge you. But you almost feel embarrassed to tell them. Because what are they going to think of you? Because they're important to you, your wife and your brother and sister are important to you. You don't want them to think any different of you because certain things happen to you. So so I would say, man, I wish everybody in the world man would have, would have, would have a therapist, would have a counselor that they can just go and talk to about life.

20:30
Um, obviously, with mental health and a lot of things happening, man, especially some of that stuff happens in the winter, around around this time when it, when I got, when it's when it's a little bit colder, I guess here or uh, or anytime. Really, in general, man, I feel like when people talk about it, get that stuff out. It's just such a. You're just a better human being, I'm a better, I'm a better, I'm a better father, I'm a better husband, I'm a better leader at the office, because I feel I feel free and I don't have things inside of me that man, that I'm just not sharing with somebody and it's not embarrassing, it really is out, man.

21:02
It's not you, it's, it's, it's things that happens to you in your life and a lot of those times and, honestly, sometimes, if it is embarrassing things that you did, sharing those things, man, it's funny because there are so many people that are dealing with the same exact thing but like, nobody wants to talk about it because that feel of social media and other places are all about like let's talk about the good stuff and all this stuff, but, man, there's some bad stuff too, man, and I think we need to talk about it because that's the only way to become better and move forward, and especially with me and you people that are like a lot of people. We know people that are like high achievers. They want to do certain things and go and go and go and go and do this or that and all the other stuff. I feel like those are the people that are hiding a lot of things sometimes because you're hiding things, because you're just getting yourself caught up in all these businesses and stuff, so you're more busier than than you truly should be.

21:50 - Cyrus Jaffery (Guest)
So yeah, I, you know, I told there's a couple of things in there, I think one the more open that I've been with my life, the more I've found that most people's stuff is even crazier than mine, right? So you think your stuff is the craziest stuff. You know what I mean. You think, oh, no one's going to understand about this, or no one's going to understand that. You know. You know my, my, you know every male role model in my life was an addict or that. You know. You know, for a large portion of my life, my, you know my father was in jail. You know. I mean like people are not going to. And then you, then people are like, oh, you know, here's what I had to deal with. You're like, oh wait, your stuff is just as crazy as my stuff, or crazy. We're all messed up, broken people trying to do our best, and I think this is the thing I may be the most interested in about you.

22:39
So you got a wild story and I am positive that there are dozens, hundreds of moments that you could have just become a victim. You could have just said a victim. You could have just said you know what, you know you, you know I, my, my, my home got blown up in afghanistan. God hates me, uh, you know I lived in a one room with six on the floor and my mom and my dad wasn't around, and you know, god hates me, and you know. And then I got forced to go to this country where I don't speak the language you know. And I'm dealing with all this nonsense because this thing just happened when I let you know. You could have been a victim so many times that you're not, you've pushed forward, you're a family guy.

23:22 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
You're a business guy.

23:23 - Cyrus Jaffery (Guest)
People respect you, you help people, your family's part of your business. Like, like, how do you? How did you not become a victim? Like, what is it about? Is it you, your story, the people who surround yourself? Like, like you could be a victim and no one would blame you, right? No one would say to you hey, man, we get it. You had all this messed up stuff. You got all these things going on in your head. Like, like, we get it. It's OK to to not achieve. It's okay to to not achieve. It's okay to sit on a couch and eat Doritos and take money from the government or whatever. Like, it's okay. You didn't do that. You chose a different path and I'm so interested in why you, why, how, et cetera, you, you, you didn't go down that path. You didn't choose, you chose to, to push and and to become this thing that you are. Like. I just think it's such a great example of what's possible and I'm just really interested in how you got there.

24:16 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Yeah, 100%. I think a lot of it, to be honest with you, is because other people like they were like I was. So, first and foremost. So when I came here at 14, 15, like I really caught up on like soccer. Like my dad played soccer and we played up, we played. I was a good athlete. So like I really got caught up into soccer right away when I got here at 14, 15 years old and I was really good at it.

24:39
Man, I was like the best player in our, in our JV team right away as a freshman and played in varsity my for my sophomore, junior and senior year. And like what soccer did to me man at the time was like it turned almost something negative that was basically happening to me. I turned it into something positive because, as I started having success on the soccer field as a freshman, you could see all these people that weren't talking to me, that were making fun of me, that were doing all this stuff and being racist to me, all of them kind of turned into like wow, cyrus, you're really good man. Hey, do you want to hang out? I was like what I was, like you guys were just doing this two months ago and now that I'm on the soccer team, I'm one of the best players, I have all these friends and I've never had that in the past. So then I was like, man, I'm going to be really, really, really good because I want a lot of friends and I want a lot of people to like me. So it's almost like a drive to make it so people could like you. And then it basically turned into okay, how can you do better? And how can you do better Now? Can you be an all American, can you be this, can you go to college, pay for college and all these things? So so at the time it was here's what happens God. God puts you in different situations and puts different things in your life for certain reasons, right? So if I was didn't get bombed, if I didn't get in an helicopter, if I didn't go to Pakistan, if I didn't go through all the stuff I had to deal with my freshman year in high school, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

25:59
Man, maybe I am that couch potato that's sitting there and saying, man, like I had it really good. So I'm sitting here and I'm doing my thing. So I almost see it as hey, man, like the more adversity in life that you deal with. It's almost building calluses in your mind to tell you that, hey, man, this is just another day in Cyrus Jaffrey's life, man, it's just another thing I got to deal with, right? So I don't know where that comes from, to be honest with you, maybe it's from like just born, being born, and just putting into this like adversity after adversity, after just making it like every day is like where are we going to eat today? How are we going to eat today? Do we have enough for everybody to get fed today? So it's almost one of the survival mode, right? If you're not really thinking of like anything else other than making it through the day to be able to have food on the table, if that makes sense. So that kind of survive. And even to today, like, like, I'm still in the same mindset today. I'm just like man, I just got to make it throughout the day.

26:51
Because now that I have like people that like honestly, like when I got with my wife, I'm like 23, 24 years old and I was like, oh, this person like relies on me, like I have to like support this person right At the time, and then, when I became a father is when I truly changed. I became a completely different person because from like when you have too much success, when a lot of friends, as you might know, like I, when I was 17, 16 years old man, like I had a lot of friends, I was on the varsity, I was like a cool kid. For once, I did some stuff that I'm not proud of, man, and like I wasn't the person I am today for sure, from like 17 to 22, man, I just went into like a hole almost and everybody in life, you're going to go into a certain kind of hole, but you got to know how to get out of that hole, because a hole is always going to be there. You're going to go in a hole and you got to be able to find a way to get out of it. And that's where I'm looking at. Like God puts different people and different things in your life, saying, hey, soccer is going to get you out of that hole. And then it's Michelle, which is like my wife now. She got me out of that hole because I'm like man, this person relies on me. I got to do really good on my job to pay the rent for our place that we had. And then when you have a kid, you're like man. Now, like Sophia, my first, I had her at like 27, 26 years old.

28:06
I was like man, like I can't fail, because now it's not just me failing, I'm failing many other people. And then you have employees right, and then you're like man, like I can't fail in the business because, man, I'm going to fail like 10 other people. So I feel like it was survival made for a long time. And then God puts all these people into your life and you got to take those as fuel. So now I've got our organization 130 people.

28:33
I've got our organization 130 people. I've got three kids, my wife, my mom, my older brother who got in a car accident, who was disabled. I feel like all those weight of all those people are on my shoulders and I'm just man going at it and I can't even sit down one minute and think, oh, because I don't have time for that, because I got to just go, go, go and that's not good. So that's why a therapist is really nice, because you can sit with them in that hour and just absorb everything and be like man. Not every one of those people have to be on your shoulders. Who is carrying you? And that's a question that's hard for me, that I'm still searching today, because it could get lonely at the top once in a while, you know.

29:13 - Cyrus Jaffery (Guest)
Yeah, I think it certainly does it. You know, I, in my career, in my life, I feel like I've been on the top of the mountain and been knocked all the way down to the bottom quite a few times. I've had to start from zero quite a few times and everything that you talked about it going down paths, becoming a person that you don't necessarily like or even recognize in the mirror at different times and having to pull yourself back out of that. And I think people excuse it when we're young, but we don't like to talk about it when it happens when we're older. Right, there's like a certain age and I don't know what that age is. Maybe it's late 20s, early 30s where, all of a sudden, when you find yourself in a hole, it goes from like, oh, you're just a kid finding yourself, to you know what's wrong with that guy, you know what's wrong with her, why. You know, I can't, I don't want to tell anybody about this. I don't want anyone to know that I got fired. I don't want anyone to know that I'm depressed, even though I got all these people and I'm making all this money. And you know what's he got to be depressed about? Or why is he stressed, or anxious, or you know what I mean Like, oh, it must be nice to have those kind of problems. Like you hear this stuff and you know, I think that these are the struggles. Like it doesn't, it literally doesn't matter.

30:29
You know, sometimes I hear people who are super successful give advice and I'm like, yeah, I think it's very trite and it's like, yeah, you can say that now, but let's talk about what it was like when you were getting to do you plow through that for the person who's looking at what you built and I want to talk a little bit more about that in a minute but like when they, when they, when they hear about what you built if they don't already know, and they're hearing 130 employees and you've gone through all this like how do you deal with the day to day? How do you make sure that you have these people who are, who are relying on you? Like you know, this is the last thing I'm saying. I'll let you talk. I will say something to myself when I know I'm not in a good mental place and I don't know if it's the right thing to say or whatever, but there are days when you, just like you said, you feel like the weight of the world. It's just, and maybe it's even not, but it feels like it and you have to be aware of that. Data point Right.

31:36
Even if, even if, like, logically you know that's not true, some days you feel like, and I will literally look in the mirror and I'll be and I'll say to myself, like your only goal for today is don't fall apart, don't fall apart. I literally look at myself in the mirror and I'm like Ryan, just don't fall apart today, right, and you don't, don't be reactive to someone, don't have drinks when you get home, don't you know, death scroll on Twitter or Instagram or something, don't you know? Like, like, just just don't fall apart. You don't have to kill it, just don't fall apart.

32:09
And like, I found that that just giving myself that grace of like you can have a C-plus day today and it's okay, right, gets you through to get to more A days when you have a day where you blow everything up, right, you just decide to go to the bar or whatever your vice is, whatever your thing is right to go to the bar or whatever your vice is, whatever your thing is right. Those days knock you back so far versus just having a kind of crappy okay day getting through and getting the next one, so that has worked really well for me. I don't know, a psychologist may have different thoughts on saying that, but how do you do that? You got 130 people that look at you. How do you get through each day and make sure that you don't fall apart?

32:54 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Yeah, yeah, I think. Well, I would tell you you're going to fall apart, right, and if you don't fall apart, you're lying to yourself that you're not falling apart. It's okay to fall apart. But one thing I know is I know when I'm falling apart. I think a lot of people for me, like when you know you have a problem or some things are not going well in your life problem, or some things are not going well in your life, that's when you know you pretty much excel that this thing called life, because you know you're falling apart, because that's the only way to fix it. If you know there's a problem, right, you just keep bullshitting yourself that, oh, I'm not falling apart, I'm the best and I'm doing this and this. That's just not right for you. So for me it's pretty simple man, like I know when things are not going well and I put triggers in my life to be able to know when those things are not going right. For example, there's four things in my life, man, and I look at this on the mirror at night, every day, every day, because I know these four things are right. Man, everything else is going to fall, fall, fall, fall into line. And if I have a C plus day. I know that tomorrow is a new day, but I need to know that I've had a C plus day. The people that are going to have four C plus days in a row are the people that are going to have a very hard time having a lot of A days. But the people that go from C plus to an A the next day, man, just don't fail twice. If you guys do that one thing, just don't do it twice in a row. Things are going to be just fine.

34:19
So for me, it's the relationship with, for me, for me, obviously with, with, with, with God, or what he has created for me. And then my wife Like so, so I know, at the end of the night, man, one thing we do me and my me and my wife is like it's a kiss at night. So we don't just kiss a night just to go to bed. It's one of those things where, like, if my wife is this way, she won't give me a kiss. If something's wrong and we need to talk about that, then I know it might trigger like, hey, babe, I'm going to bed, be nice, and I know something's all right, let's talk about it. What happened? Because a lot of times go to bed not talking about it. Then they go on. Tomorrow night you will go to bed not talking about it. The next night you'll go to bed not talking about it. You're not on the same page. So for us it was pretty clear right away that, like because I know that if that relationship is right, man, everything else is going to fall into place. Because I'm not in the correct mind when I come to work and I'm fighting with her or something like, I'm just not in the right. I'm just not in the right place. I'm going to have a C plus day. So that's number one important thing is can that be? If that communication up there is correct? Because from then it goes?

35:18
My second one on my mirror it's I cross out a day. So right now it's 4,231 days. That's how many days I've left with my daughter when she leaves for college. So I know how important it is for me every day to cross that out and go one more day. I'm like man. Did I spend quality time with her and with my son and the other son? Because that's extremely important as well, because every day you're crossing it down. You're like man. I didn't do a good job today, but you'll know, the next day you will have a good, because you'll remember that.

35:47
And then, third is health man. Because if you're not taking care of your health, you're eating bad, you're not doing certain things, you're just going to go in a funk man when you're not eating right, when you're not exercising. For me it's 5.30 in the morning. Every morning I go outside and I work out. That kind of puts me in the right stage and it's my meditation. A lot of people it's meditation. For me it's early morning and I go work out.

36:10
And then, fourth is I pick one employee every week. Man, that's on my list that I have to just touch base with, whether it's a quick call or email, or just keep an eye on them. Because a lot of times when you have a larger organization we have like 29 to 30 employees and another hundred contractors and I'm and it's all over the country 30, some states, so I can't talk to everybody, but I know that strategically I can pick one person a week and then I can just go down the line. So at least they know like I'm just touching base with them, seeing how, how, how's your son doing, daughter doing whatever that you need to ask. And so for me, if I can be disciplined on those four things, I know everything else is going to fall into place, but if one of those things is off, I know I'm having a C plus day, but having it visually every night when I'm brushing my teeth, it's very hard for me to be off two days in a row. Yeah.

37:02 - Cyrus Jaffery (Guest)
No, I love that, I love the don't fail twice. This is actually something that, at Rogue Risk and every team that I've managed, I used to say all the time I was like, guys, we're going to make every mistake. That exists, every mistake. And I think as humans, as people, we're going to make every mistake. And I'm with you. Like, god tests us. You know, I'm a, I I'm a, uh, a firm believer in, in, in. I have a strong faith and I, uh, I believe that God purposely tests us and I think the test is okay.

37:38
Here's the, here's the miss. Right, you, you went, you, right, you didn't even talk to your daughter tonight, didn't even talk to her, didn't see her. You were doing this crisscross. She's got this thing, bam, bam, you didn't even talk to her. And you go in and that's the miss, and you're standing there in front of the mirror and you're brushing your teeth and you're like man, you just get mad at yourself for a sec and then, but here's the test, don't let it happen the next day. Right, and this goes for everything. You, you missed your workout. Don't miss your workout the next day. You, you, you had a bad moment, your willpower was low and you grabbed a bag of potato chips instead of a handful of grapes for a snack and you mowed those potato chips because potato chips are delicious. Oh, okay, right, there's, the potato chips are delicious. Okay, right, potato chips are the best. But don't do it the next day. Next day, go to yourself. Hey, I had my chips yesterday, I'm going to have grapes today, and now the chips mean nothing and like little trivial things that we. The loss is when it becomes a habit, when the, when, the, the, the failures become a habit and like you know, and again, dude, this is a big reason why I changed the name of this podcast from the Ryan Hanley show to finding peak was. To me, these are the conversations that we need to have as entrepreneurs, as leaders, as as mothers, fathers, partners. You know, I think I think in life it is. I've never heard I'll put it this way and I think you would agree, but obviously you give me your feedback I've never talked to a successful person who ever blamed tactics for something not going right.

39:19
I've never had someone blame tactics right Ever, ever in history of all the conversations I've had with all the successful people, either on this podcast or in business, I have never had someone blame tactics for the reason that something happened in their life or their business that they were unhappy with. It was always their mindset and the way that they operated their life. I wasn't disciplined for this period of time. I let my relationship with my spouse go. I neglected to have a tough conversation with this employee. I was too egotistical, I didn't have courage. Whatever the thing is, it's always the stuff that's going on between our head that causes the real problems. It's never like well, you know, if only I knew how to optimize my Facebook campaigns, then, you know, my business would have been a success Like that's never, ever been the case, you know, and I just think I just love that to death. So I do have one fob question on this. So if someone's listening and they're going, you know I love this right.

40:27
I am going to get just a little nerdy on this, because I think it's just interesting when you say it's on your mirror like piece of paper. Did you write it? How did you visually present this to yourself so that it was a reminder every day?

40:40 - Speaker 3 (Host)
It was just a marker, just a marker, a black marker on the mirror. I just wrote it down and then I had a marker right next to my toothbrush Every night. I crossed out 5,220 days, no, 5,219 days, right? Wow, it just keeps me on track, man. Because here's the thing, Ryan. Man, like money and fame and all the other stuff, man, none of that stuff truly matters. What truly matters is, in that order, man, your relationship with your faith, your significant other, your kids and then your health.

41:14
Last in, the bottom of it is all is my work. Like work stuff doesn't, at the end of the day, man, like that stuff really doesn't matter to me if the first three are not done down correctly. But if the first three are man at a nine out of 10, at a 10 out of 10, work is going to be well because you're going to be in the right mindset. And for work you need to be in the right mindset. Nobody ever comes to work fought with their significant other or their kids are fighting with them and they're going to come to work and give it a hundred percent. They're just not. And cause you're just thinking about those things.

41:43 - Cyrus Jaffery (Guest)
So yeah, yeah, dude, I love, I, absolutely love it. So I want to um, we haven't even talked about like the entrepreneur, and I want to be, uh, I want to be cognizant of your time and of the audience's time and I think, uh, we got to have another episode here and I want to even learn more about the book. There's like a whole bunch of stuff. So I definitely think we're going to do a part two of this, if you're up for it, if you agree, we have a couple of weeks. Have you come back? I want to do a part two because I want to get into the book and I want to get into your entrepreneur journey. But, and so let's stay understanding that we'll do that and I got your for that. Let's stay just the last few minutes we have together on mindset.

42:26
So, as you've talked about how you've started to go to therapy and I know you're a big, I know you have your own podcast. You talk to a lot of successful people there. I know you're a big thinker about stuff. I know you spend time on these thoughts. What is so you have? You have three kids. Um, if you were tasked with, yeah, god comes down and says says cyrus, you can. You can give your kids one idea, one concept to help them reach, become the best versions of themselves. You get one concept right you can give to them. What would that concept be? What would be the message that you would give them to help them? You're pushing all three of them off into their life journey at the same time and you can give them one message, one idea, as you push them off into that journey. What would that be?

43:15 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Fail and keep trying. Fail, fail and keep trying. Because, man, if you don't fail you will not learn, and I use that to heart. Man, I've made some decisions on the business side that we've lost a lot of money, we have failed big time, but I learned so much from it, right. And the other part of it is I don't want to set 10 years from now. I don't want to be like man. I wish I would have spent 10K and did that venture, because, look, look where that person has gone who tried it when I was. So I never want to be that guy that sits back and says, man, I wish I would have done that. I want to be like man. I lost 10K. It is what it is.

43:58
Not everybody can afford to lose. I understand that part of it, but relative to them, it could be a thousand bucks, not probably a hundred bucks. Relative to them, a hundred percent, a hundred percent. So try, dude, try everything. And I tell people all the time dude, in your 20s man, try everything. And that's what I would tell my kids Try everything.

44:17
If you don't wake up in the morning and excited about putting your pants on to go to work, don't Go. Find something that you truly enjoy. Try a bunch of different things in your 20s. Figure out exactly like what do you really want to do? Fail and all, because failing is truly what's going to tell you what you really like, because the things that you fail in you're probably not very good at. You're going to learn some stuff from it and then the next time you're going to do it, you're going to do it correctly. So for me, for my kids, that's going to be the thing. Hey, it's okay to fail. Get back up and do the things that you're supposed to do, because adversity is going to hit you. You're going to go in a hole, you're going to run into stuff, but then take risks. Right, like I'm, I'm a risk taker man.

44:59
I think a lot of people that are entrepreneurs are risk takers, of course, because 97% of businesses don't make it after five years. So if you're not taking those risks, man, you're not going to be in situations that you truly want to be. So you got to be able to take risks. I'm not calculating risks for some people, of course. Right, you got to, you got to. Really, if you're what I tell, what I was going to tell my kids, I don't, I don't they want to be in insurance, right?

45:21
One of my biggest jobs in this world is man to make sure those kids are good human beings. If they can be that, like the rest of this stuff, I don't care what they do whatever, like none of my business. If they can be good human beings, but if they, one thing they can learn from that is to truly just do what you love, right. And if it's insurance or banking or tech or whatever that is, when you grow up, do what you love. But then the other part of it is fail as much as you can, because that's going to take you a lot of things in and I'm hoping those lessons go to them. But as you know, kids man, they do whatever they want to do.

45:56 - Cyrus Jaffery (Guest)
Here's what I know about. That is that my dad said a bunch of things to me in all the craziness of my childhood, and many of those things when I was a kid I probably couldn't have recreated. However, there were some concepts that he said to me over and over and over again that as an adult now, and as a father myself, have now become part of my core value structures, and one of them exactly what you just said. You know, if you, if you were to ever meet my dad, who, who now, who's an amazing grandfather, and our relationship is wonderful now and you know whatever, but like um, you know, he said to me one time uh, uh, rye. He said you're gonna realize this when you become a dad. I was asking him about something. He said you're gonna realize this when you become a dad. I was asking him about something. He said you're going to realize this when you become a dad.

46:42
When you become a dad or in a and this goes for moms too when you've been a parent, your only job from that moment on is to make your kids better than you, and that does not mean financially better, it means a better human. Your job is to is to take, you know, help fill in the gaps where your places are, so that they can be better versions of you. And to your point, I think, if you do that and you make that your focus, the derivative of everything else in your life, your work, your relationships, your friendships, your hobbies, all these other things they just become better. Because you can't put that kind of positivity into these humans that are connected to you and not have good things come out the back end. I, uh, I, I think it's wonderful, my man dude.

47:31
So the book, uh, triumph after trauma. Where can people get it? Where can they, uh, if it's, if it's, you know, how do we, how do we get them connected to the book I want to get? Well, there'll be links in the show notes for anybody. Whether you're on Amazon or sorry, whether you're on Spotify or Apple or wherever you're listening or watching on YouTube, I'll have links to the book. So where can people go if they just want to go directly?

47:53 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Yeah, it's just my story, man, about my life and how I come from, where I came from, and detailed notes on things that I used to basically use as leverage to be where I am today. So it's on Amazon, it's on cyrusjaffreycom, where you can go in and grab a book. We would love for you guys to try it out, man, and I hope it. The book was honestly pretty simple. It's a legacy thing. One thing that sticks around for a very long time, as you know, is books, and it's something that I'm hoping that it maybe changes one person's mindset about what they're dealing with. That, hey, a lot of other people have dealt with this as well. Wake up and do big things in life.

48:34 - Cyrus Jaffery (Guest)
Well, I mean, after people hearing your story and hearing the type of guy you are, I think they'd be crazy not to pick up the book, and I know that more than one person will learn something and grow from it. It's been a huge pleasure and we're definitely going to do this again in a couple of weeks because I want to get into the business side of stuff which we didn't even talk about. But I appreciate the hell out of you and thanks for coming on the show.

48:54 - Speaker 3 (Host)
Man. This means a lot to have me man an honor, so appreciate you yeah, thank you, make it look easy.

49:00 - Ryan Hanley (Host)
Hey, stand up, guy boom. Ten toes, big body, pull up in a range rolls I can chase the whole game. When I say so, I pull up, shut it down. Yeah, they know, running this game in the game for me. I never switched up. No changing me, the only thing changing this season. You go against me, then you know that you tweaking. Okay, because baby, I'm him. I'll be on 10. Two stepping in the party. Party. I do not dance. Watch how I move. Make it look easy. Counting up wins, that's part of the plan. Black male taking up my head is a CC. That can't fail. I'ma get the reason with repeat. I'm knee deep, need a job. Best that you seek me, I'm too sick.