The Guide Series Episode 3: The Relational Level

This episode explores the guide role in the context of our relationships, focusing on how to support others through adversity without overstepping or "lifting the stone" for them.

High-Value Quotables

[00:46] "As a guide, [you must] hyper focus on the people that you are trying to help."
[01:58] "One moment of careful noticing someone else's needs relative to the adversities that they're facing can be the life-saving or life-changing moment that a good guide is capable of."
[02:43] "You cannot do the work for someone else. You can help them make the work manageable. You can give them the emotional support required... but you cannot lift the stone for them."
[04:22] "That spotlight, that attention, is all in a very almost socratic kind of way where you ask the right questions so that the solutions emerge." 

The Core Concept: Nurturing Growth through Adversity

Relational guiding is the act of noticing the specific needs and comfort levels of others to help them navigate challenging or "risky" situations. It requires dropping the ego to ensure the "spotlight" remains entirely on the person being guided rather than the guide themselves.

Key Takeaways:

• Empathy and Risk Tolerance: A guide must recognize that every individual has a different comfort level and personal risk tolerance.
• The "Gym" Philosophy: You can encourage someone to take on bigger challenges, but you can't "go to the gym and lift the weights" on their behalf.
• Creating Safety: Meaningful guiding provides the emotional support and trust necessary for an individual to take risks themselves.
• Socratic Architecture: A good guide "architects solutions" by asking the right questions, allowing the student to discover their own strength and agility.
• Lifelong Bonds: These collaborative experiences of shared risk and mentoring are where true fraternity and robust relationships emerge.

Reflection Question:

When was the last time you "lifted the stone" for someone when you should have been helping them find the strength to lift it themselves?

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Creators and Guests

Host

Brian Mattocks

Host and Founder of A Mason's Work - a podcast designed to help you use symbolism to grow. He's been working in the craft for over a decade and served as WM, trustee, and sat in every appointed chair in a lodge - at least once :D

What is A Mason's Work?

In this show we discuss the practical applications of masonic symbolism and how the working tools can be used to better yourself, your family, your lodge, and your community. We help good freemasons become better men through honest self development. We talk quite a bit about mental health and men's issues related to emotional and intellectual growth as well.

[00:00] for as much as the behavioral level of the guide is about noticing your own behavior
[00:06] the relational level of the guide is about noticing the behaviors not just of yourself
[00:12] but of the people that you're working with you need to have both of those things in place in
[00:17] order to successfully help someone navigate the exposure and adversity that comes with
[00:22] trying new and risky or challenging things um what something that is is really important to
[00:31] understand fairly quickly um is that your risk your personal risk tolerance and exposures your
[00:38] personal comfort levels will not match the comfort levels and exposures of other people and because
[00:46] of this uh you have to as a guide hyper focus on the people that you are trying to help
[00:56] uh if you note that they are uncomfortable being dismissive about their discomfort is not good
[01:04] guiding behavior that is bad guiding behavior that is uh the worst kind of guiding behavior
[01:10] now understanding that um that people are going to be uncomfortable and that they might need
[01:17] emotional support to take on some of these challenging obstacles um is really where the guide role shines
[01:25] as a function and when we do this relationship wise when we do it really in relation with the other
[01:32] people that we interact with um we have this this really powerful capacity uh that it can shape
[01:40] relationships uh it can shape experiences uh for years and years and years to come one positive
[01:49] experience of care one positive experience of mentoring one moment of careful noticing someone else's needs
[01:58] relative to the adversities that they're facing can be the life-saving or life-changing moment
[02:06] that a good guide is capable of when we look at our masonic experience when we look at
[02:14] uh the social experiences we have when we look at our family experiences um we can all individually
[02:20] recollect i'm sure someone who took that responsibility of guide dropped their ego and took on the role of
[02:30] meaningful care they didn't do the work for you so this is another thing you have to keep in mind
[02:36] as a guide from a relational perspective when you're working with other people you cannot do the work
[02:43] for someone else you can help them make the work manageable you can give them the emotional support
[02:52] required for them to take on the work you can encourage them to take on bigger challenges than they might
[02:59] think they're capable of but you cannot lift the stone for them you can't go to the gym and lift the weights
[03:08] on behalf of someone else when we play a good guide it's a lot like being a good parent uh without all of
[03:17] the doing it for you part right so if you've had a parenting experience there's been many times where
[03:23] you're like oh god i just need to just give me your shoes i'll tie your shoes for you uh when you're a
[03:30] guide that's never an option right um because you create a sort of broken kind of relationship
[03:36] uh for that individual that you're trying to guide since you can't do it for them without breaking
[03:43] that relationship and without sabotaging their future you have to help find ways to nurture
[03:50] people and increase their comfort level increase their trust level so that they can take on these
[03:56] risks themselves when you see other people guiding well it doesn't look like anything it's really
[04:05] peculiar when you watch someone else play a good guide the entire experience the entire spotlight
[04:14] is not on the guide it's on the person who's being guided and that spotlight that attention
[04:22] um is all in a very almost socratic kind of way where you ask the right questions so that the solutions
[04:31] emerge where you uh present the just the perfect path uh for someone to demonstrate their agility or their
[04:42] capacity or their strength when we do this well and we spend time architecting uh solutions as a guide
[04:51] for the people around us you really can elevate everyone's experience and as a result everyone will profit
[04:59] and learn as well from that guiding process so uh the the guide relationship is truly something special
[05:09] uh and you'll find that if you're an effective guide um the people that make it through this adversity that
[05:16] they're experiencing this uh initiatic process that we go through and launch or you know any of the kinds
[05:23] of things when you're a good guide and mentor um those relationships become lifelong become uh robust and
[05:31] powerful and that's really where fraternity as a concept really emerges it's not just companionship it's not just um you know hanging out and having a good time it's these exposures through collaborative risk taking and a mentoring and guiding process that the real fraternity emerges