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All aboard the Calamity express! Stopping for no one other than the divine acolyte himself.
Calamity Jane guides a theatre troupe across hostile lands while fleeing the ghosts of her past. (Western/Full-cast audio drama)
Location: INT. TRAIN TO RAPID CITY - DAY
Sound: Steam train in motion.
JANE (V.O.): Last call to Rapid City. Would you believe me if I told you it was my first time?
SHERIFF (V.O.): Wild Bill was a regular in that area.
JANE (V.O.): That's long before I joined him...for me, Rapid City would be a place of firsts.
FAITH: Sit, I'm supposed to be anxious not you.
JANE: Why you? Hometown hero returning as a star performer. I'd say you'd give the great Calamity a run for her money.
FAITH: If only. I wonder how many would even remember me.
JANE: You ain't one to be forgotten, Faith. Come here.
ELICK: Didn't mean to interrupt, ladies. Seems we're all square.
JANE: How's our secret service friends?
ELICK: They sent a telegram for a burial crew at Yankton. Now they're keeping to themselves.
FAITH: I'm sorry for your loss, lieutenant.
ELICK: Thank you kindly, Faith. Though not as sorry as the scumbags that did this will be.
JANE: Hey, eyes on the objective Lieutenant.
ELICK: Right.
FAITH: Either of you wish to fill me in?
ELICK: Ain't my call, Ms. Johnson.
JANE: Trust me, Faith. You don't want to know.
FAITH (frustrated): This is what I'm talking about. In a few days ride you'll meet my parents. Least you can do is be honest about what I'm bringing to their doorstep.
ELICK: She does have a point.
JANE (exasperated): Fine...Dante's in a bit of trouble. Coin-wise. Those two agents are on his tail about counterfeit money from last show. They were about to lock him up when the lieutenant here stepped in.
ELICK: I vouched for him. Said this theatre troupe is just doing good business, headed to resupply Ft. Pierre.
FAITH: You lied to the secret service?
ELICK: Forgive me, but I thought hanging with Janie here would open your eyes. Sometimes world ain't so black & white.
FAITH: It's not the fact that you lied which concerns me, it's why you did it. From where I'm sitting you have nothing to gain by saving our boss.
JANE: Yeah...about that.
FAITH: What did you agree to?
SHERIFF (V.O): I'd bet a dollar you didn't tell her the truth. Not about the Captain, Lieutenant or Keema.
JANE (V.O): Actually...you'd be a dollar short.
JANE Faith, wait up!
JANE: Please, I can explain.
FAITH: I don't believe you. I thought you were done with all the fighting. You told me war was hell, why would you wanna go back?
JANE: I don't have a choice. If we don't locate that horse and get those war plans to general Miles, more innocent soldiers will die.
FAITH: No one on that battlefield's innocent, Jane. Isn't that what you said?
JANE: This ain't up for discussion.
FAITH: I helped you put the pieces together. After Little Big Horn, after Bill...
FAITH (CONT'D): Don't you remember? You wouldn't eat, sleep or say anything for days Jane! I still don't know what in heaven put you in that state. Now you want to charge back in there like nothing happened?
JANE: I...I know you're nervous about coming home, darling.
FAITH: This is about you not coming home, Jane. Don't you get that?
JANE: I know what's at stake.
FAITH: I don't think you do. If you follow this trail of madness you'll end up like that Captain of yours.
JANE: He ain't dead.
Sound: Train crash.
Sound: Steam hiss.
JANE (CONT'D): Faith? (coughs) You alright?
FAITH: I'm fine...what happened?
DANTE: Was about to ask the same question. Calamity, don't tell me I got more delays.
JANE: I dunno what to tell you, boss. Hang tight.
ELICK: You see that?
JANE: I ain't seeing nothing.
ELICK: The brakes are smoking. I'll check the engine. You flank around the otherside.
JANE: Got it.
Sound: Jane cocks her revolver.
Location: EXT. OUTSIDE ON THE TRAIN TRACKS -DAY
JANE (CONT'D): Hello? Conductor?
JANE (CONT'D) You hurt? Talk to me.
JANE (V.O.): The locomotive was empty. No conductor in sight.
SHERIFF (V.O.): Any chance the conductor went to check on the train?
JANE (V.O.): That's just it, Sheriff. No one saw him again. Elick and I searched the whole engine car and...
ELICK: What the hell's that?
JANE: What?
ELICK: Out there, on the tracks.
JANE (V.O.): Well, let's just say there's a reason I don't like surprises.
JANE (V.O.): There was a dead cow on the tracks. Large carcass, fresh kill.
SHERIFF (V.O.): Someone put it there.
JANE (V.O.): You're getting the hang of this crime solving stuff.
ELICK: I'll grab some guys, we'll move it off the tracks.
JANE: But how'd it get here? Lone cow in the middle of the desert.
ELICK (sarcastic): You try asking it?
JANE: I'd rather ask the conductor. Wherever he is.
DANTE: You kidding me?
JANE: Relax, it's just a cow.
DANTE: Okay, boys! Let's get this off the tracks.
FAITH: Where's the conductor and train crew?
ELICK: We didn't see em either.
DANTE: One problem at a time.
JANE: Something ain't right.
Sound: Warcry & gunshots echo across the desert.
JANE (V.O.): It was an ambush. About 20 armed fighters charged over the hill and took our train by surprise.
SHERIFF (V.O.): Sioux warriors?
JANE (V.O.): I wish. Sioux would've saved us the sermon.
JANE: Move! defend the train.
ELICK: You heard the lady, let's go!
JANE: Faith...
FAITH (determined): I ain't running.
JANE: You have to. Follow me around back, we'll grab a horse and get you on your way.
FAITH: We're in the middle of nowhere, I'm not abandoning you.
JANE: I know. That cow though, it's fresh...too fresh. If there's a farm round here then a town's nearby.
Sound: Jane shoots another enemy then hears the dreaded click of her pistol.
ELICK: I got you, move!
JANE (to faith): Come on, now! Almost there.
JANE (V.O.): I reached the animal cart and let the horses loose.
Sounds: Plank is lifted, horses protest in fear then scramble as Jane frees them.
FAITH (relieved): Dutch...you did find him.
JANE: We don't got much time, get on.
FAITH: (pleads) Come with me.
JANE: I gotta stay and watch the lieutenant's back.
FAITH: Jane...
JANE: Go! Please darling, I'll be fine. Just get us some help. I'm counting on you.
FAITH: Hang tight then.
Sound: Faith rides away.
SHERIFF (V.O.): You just let her go?
JANE (V.O.): What choice did I have? We were outnumbered and losing.
DANTE: Hold on now, let's be civil about--
Sound: hard whack knocks him out.
JANE: Boss!
JANE (V.O.): One of em knocked Dante out.
SHERIFF (V.O.): You still had your whip.
JANE (V.O.): Damn right I did.
Sound: Jane cracks the bullwhip against the enemy Nomad who dropped Dante.
JANE Come on, who's next?
ELICK (warning) Jane...
JANE (V.O.): The other had a gun to Elick's head.
Sound: The hammer of a revolver clicks back in warning.
ELICK: ...I think his gun's loaded.
LIGHTFOOT: Lay down your bullwhip, craven. It's over.
JANE: Take it easy there...partner. Let's not do anything stupid.
Sounds: cheers of victory.
LIGHTFOOT: Celebrate, siblings! For we have stopped this reign of terror on the land.
JANE: Elick! You alright?
ELICK (pained): Who the hell are they?
JANE: Nomads. Don't worry their grudge ain't with us.
LIGHTFOOT: You're sure about that? Riding through our lands, dirtying our air and nature's beauty with your metal monster. We can't let that pass.
SHERIFF (V.O.): I've heard about the Nomads. Group of rebels living in the desert. Believe any coal-powered invention is destroying the world.
JANE (V.O.): They believed in this Lightfoot I'll tell you that much. He ordered the rest of them to round up the passengers.
DANTE: Please, I beg you to spare us. We entertain the people, that's it.
LIGHTFOOT: I saw your stage-cars loaded with helpless animals. You think they're entertained being shuttled across the land?
DANTE: We treat them well.
LIGHTFOOT: Nature will treat them better.
LIGHTFOOT (To his crew): Release the animals! Let them return to what's familiar.
Sounds: Lions, chickens, various animals running away.
DANTE: No!!!!! I am never going to financially recover from this.
JANE: Big words coming from a man leaving dead cows on the railway.
LIGHTFOOT: You there!
JANE (amused): What, don't like the truth?
LIGHTFOOT: Bring her to me!
JANE: Get offa me!
ELICK Hey, leave her out of--
Sound: Elick is hit with a shotgun.
LIGHTFOOT: I saw you. You freed the horses during battle.
JANE: ...ah, yeah...damn right I did.
LIGHTFOOT: You were protecting life.
JANE: It's my job.
LIGHTFOOT: Indeed it is all of our jobs. (to henchmen) Untie her, immediately!
JANE (confused): Thanks...
LIGHTFOOT: The name's Lightfoot. Leader of the Nomads and very pleased to meet you, miss?
JANE: Ah, Jane. Calamity Jane.
LIGHTFOOT: Well, Jane...Calamity Jane. You're free to go.
JANE: What about my friends?
LIGHTFOOT: They will be sacrificed for their crimes against the bounty of our beautiful goddess.
JANE: Hold up, pal!
Sound: The nomads beside lightfoot cock their pistols.
NOMAD #1 (menacing): What did you just say?
NOMAD #2 (disdain): Our great leader doesn't take orders from the likes of cravens.
LIGHTFOOT: It's okay friends, let her speak.
Sound: The weapons are holstered.
JANE: Thank you...Lightfoot. Look, my friends here, they ain't building the trains or the rails.
JANE (CONT'D): We ain't meaning to offend your goddess, we just need to get to Rapid City.
LIGHTFOOT: Your friends chose to ride this monstrosity that sends dark clouds into our air. Do you know how much blood was spilt building these railroads?
JANE: You'd be spilling a lot more if you cut us down here and now.
LIGHTFOOT: An eye-for-an-eye. That is the goddess's wish and I am her acolyte.
JANE: Well, I'm not sure how to explain this to your goddess, but you see those boys over there?
JANE (CONT'D): They're secret service. If uncle Sam doesn't find them, he'll send the whole cavalry after you & your friends here.
LIGHTFOOT: Interesting...and how do you know of this?
JANE: I used to be that cavalry.
LIGHTFOOT: You?
JANE: Me. The Lieutenant over there. And a whole lot of us with more guns than you ever seen.
NOMAD #1: Lightfoot, don't listen to these cravens. They will defile our lands again.
NOMAD #2: Agreed. But I'm sorry Lightfoot, I ain't fighting no calvary.
NOMAD #1 (angry): Then you dishonor the goddess.
LIGHTFOOT: Enough. I am tired of your petty squabbling!
NOMAD #1: Forgive me...great Lightfoot.
NOMAD #2: Apologies...
LIGHTFOOT: Very well, bring the carriages.
JANE: Hang on, where you taking them?
LIGHTFOOT: The inner sanctum of the wilderness goddess, Artemis. She will decide what to do with you cravens.