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My Inner Musings is a space for the thoughts we often keep to ourselves.
I talk out loud about life, relationships, change, and the patterns we notice as we grow.
These are real reflections from a lived life, shared with honesty, humour, and curiosity.
Nothing is polished. Nothing is solved.
Just honest musings, spoken in real time.
Dear Shadow,
We met today as we have many times before. I've expressed gratitude for the implied safety you've provided me in this lifetime. For the little girl inside me, never felt worthy of love as a birthright, she came into this world with the feeling of being unwanted, sad, but true. Her caregivers were unreliable in love as a whole, leaving her with a deep void when she constantly tried to fill over the years.
She learned that love was conditional, performative, that affection, often accompanied criticism that keeping silent and unseen was more valuable than her presence. She learned to shrink, not to speak up. She became resentful of all the choices, her caregivers, and the treatment she got from them. She craved freedom and independence at an early age, free from the control.
She developed a sense of being incapable of directing her own life as many before her had directed it. She still carries part of that. She sought out people who made her suffer and betrayed her. As she felt she was unworthy of loyalty for loyalty, had not often been present in her life, she learned shame around who she was for all the little parts she carried, the joy she wanted, the ability to play, to desire life, create and share.
We're often met with criticism and performance. Her love was earned and simply not given as it should. She sought out love and validation and others who replayed the dynamics that reinforced she was less than or unlovable. carried those wounds like armor, testing those around her, wanting them to fix her, her brokenness.
For then she would feel worthy of the love that was never returned to her. She wanted to feel powerful for she was silenced and stripped of her power with the many layers of betrayal that life served to her on platters, she kept eating from them like a thirsty orphan, looking for crumbs. She accepted those crumbs.
Always craving to be chosen, yet, never was. The anger built inside her, although rarely expressed, it was often repressed. She would push others away that way when the prophecy in her subconscious was fulfilled, she would feel vindicated still. It left her empty craving for once she yearned to receive love without giving.
Not to perform for fear of being misused. She was jealous of those who moved through life with freedom and creativity, allowing themselves to be seen on a level she'd never understand as she kept herself hidden all that time, she became selfish with her motivations as in her eyes. It was only she who was capable of keeping her heart safe.
Safety was a craving. A hunger. It should have been a given
hunger for love and validation Letter to many heartbreaks. As she repeated the cycles that you've ingrained in her all those younger years, she became impulsive seeking intensity when searching for emotional depth, not allowing commitment and consistency. She desired to show up the thrill of the chase.
She still craves desire, desire to be chosen, owned. Her existence was clouded. It was clouded in judgment. She could feel the criticism, follow her throughout life. It was hers, along with the voices of the many who chose to make her question her authenticity. Hope played like a broken record, hoping for repair that would never come.
Hope to be seen for what she truly was. She had hardened with armor, kept herself at bay from disappointment. She didn't feel she never had to show softness. Softness was vulnerable. Vulnerability never yielded safety. It often came with a betrayal and a lack of loyalty, fearing joy, excitement, happiness.
For. She had learned that most of these things were temporary and came at a cost. A cost. She's still paying. While she's paid the price, she now emerges. She understands the gifts that you gave her. She meets them with tender kindness. The kindness she wishes the world would've met her with all those years ago and never had to wonder about love.
To know that it is her divine birthright. She is enough. She matters that all of the gifts you gave her, along with all the gifts of light she picked up along the way make her whole. She no longer has to hide them in shame. She became whole again. She's loyal to herself. She understands how much she outsourced her power.
To fill that void. She nurtures the inner child, allows her to speak, play, and feel joy in small victories. Safety is now cultivated from within, not outsourced to reflections of her shadows that will reinforce her undesirable parts as she integrates the wholeness. She reconciles self trust and ability to direct her own life.
She no longer has to pretend she has it all together. She feels safe in her being, knowing that she can feel the love growing. It radiates now where before she thought it was only darkness, I confused if she could feel so black and white about her being. She now radiates. There's no right or wrong. Just her and her power in her glory.
She tried so hard to protect herself throughout life. Run when things got too close or were exposed the cracks. In her foundation, she's dropping her armor. Softness does not mean weakness. Boundaries display self loyalty. Her authenticity is now her gift. Not something to be ashamed of. She's allowed to be powerful.
She no longer needs to control outta fear. She knows she will no longer abandon herself.
My gracious shadow, what a pleasure it was to make your acquaintance to finally meet the pieces that we're hiding in fear. Alchemy is turning something raw into something powerful. Thank you for highlighting my patterns, exposing what still needed to be healed. You'll be forever present in my life as she continues her journey.
Now with wholeness, she no longer sees you as separate. She embraces you. There's love and power in reclaiming your wholeness. Without the dark, we cannot be seen in the light.