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home is a place. a people. a memory. a home with open doors to those who need them, 1471 Thomas Sloane Avenue, better known as Laurie's House, is, has been, will be a place of becoming. but it is too late. 1471 Thomas Sloane Avenue, Laurie's House, is gone.
// Laurie's House is a TTRPG Actual Play, produced by tendervicious studios. Using The Home We Remember as its system, Laurie's House tells a tale of memory, identity, and community.
Hamnah: Welcome and thank you for listening to Laurie’s House! Laurie’s House is a Home We Remember Actual Play produced by tendervicious studios, a multimedia production studio that creates experimental shows with intent. We aim to challenge and redefine what is possible across mediums. Laurie’s House features Cai Kagawa as the Architect; Gwendolyn Kelly, Hamnah Shahid, and Amir or Nada Alami as the players; Sea Thomas as the dramaturg; Navaar Seik-Jackson as the podcast editor; and Lexi McQueen as the theme composer.
Hamnah: This episode of Laurie’s House would not be possible without our sponsors, Frivolous Bear Studios and Hero Forge.
Frivolous Bear Studios is a new gaming studio focusing on tabletop roleplaying games that tell untold stories and uplift marginalized voices. The studio is currently accepting pitches for tabletop roleplaying games and other gaming experiences, as well as interest from artists, editors, and designers. Go to FrivolousBearStudios.com to submit your pitch or to express interest for creative work!
Hero Forge offers fully customizable tabletop miniatures with dozens of fantasy species and thousands of parts to choose from. Their easy-to-use design tool lets you build your perfect miniature online using a fully 3D, in-depth character creator right in your web browser. Visit HeroForge.com to start designing your custom miniature today and check back often: new content is added every week!
Thank you so much to Frivolous Bear Studios and Hero Forge for supporting our show. We hope you’ll join us in giving love back to our sponsors, so we can all continue to make weird, experimental art. Without further ado, let’s walk together into Laurie’s House.
Hamnah: Content warnings for this episode of Laurie’s House include fire and burning, snakes, complex and complicated relationships, heights, references to ableism, bondage in a kink context, sex, romance, physical restraints, references to suicidal ideation, birds, references to imprisonment, and descriptions of food. Please take care of yourself while listening and thank you for Going There with us.
Episode 6, FRICTION.
Navaar: Take a step forward. Walk into a different room. A different building. A different part of town. Look around you. Where are you? When are you?
Memories are not perfect snapshots of places, people, emotions, experiences. They are paintings, recreated every time we step foot into the past. The act of remembering is a rewriting of our personal histories coloured by the moment we’re in, by who we are right now.
Memories are held in places. In rooms. In buildings. In parts of town important to us. Time is a place you find. When you find it, you remember. You rewrite. You erase. You relive.
What story will you tell about yourself? And how many times will you tell it?
Cai: Laurie's house is gone. The colorful home, the neat frame around your memories, the very bones of your life–gone. But the next day, you all ate breakfast. The diner is sandwiched between an old bank building that was supposed to get remodeled before Eira ever came to town, that still sits vacant, and the empty lot where a gas station used to be. Everything here is old. No one remembers who painted the mural of a lion on the exterior wall. No one claimed the white leopard toy. So they put it on the counter by the cash register. And no one cared that the aluminum kitchen window had a dragon engraved in it when they installed it. It was all that was available.
Cai: A house on low power mode. A flame burning in deep water. A…Knight?
Gwen: That's not right.
Cai: A Dragon?
Gwen: No. No. It's a…a Princess. A Princess with a long, flowing dress, with a snake woven into the trim. Wears a veil covering her eyes. But not her lips.
Cai: A Princess. They all eat breakfast. Dione, Deen, Eira. What part of Laurie's house do you still carry with you? Even after it's burnt down. Princess?
Gwen: It's the feeling. The feeling of being in that kitchen. It doesn't go away. It doesn't matter if I'm not in the kitchen. It doesn't matter if I'm sitting right here, right now, I still feel it. It was…my kitchen. For a long time it wasn't. But for the time I was there, it was my kitchen. You think it goes away? That feeling? Just because it's gone? I lived in that kitchen. So did Laurie. But I lived in that kitchen. And that's what–“That's what you remember, right?” She sits across from you two.
Amir/Nada: “It was as much your kitchen as it was her kitchen.” And Deen almost challenges the veil. They can't–The thing about Deen when it comes to eye contact, and where to put their hands and jokes and all these things, is that it never comes across as like, oh, I want to fit in. I want to do it like you. I want to like, vibe and explain that I want you here with my eyes, without having to use my words, because words might be a little too vulnerable, even if it's just the truth, but they are trying so hard to match your eyes. They can't–see them and they drum their fingers on their head. “I would also say it was my kitchen,” as the smallest challenge.
Gwen: There's a smile. Teeth maybe a little too sharp. “We can share.”
Amir/Nada: “I never, I never assumed you had any problems with sharing. I don't.” The tone is what makes them tilt their head, like a cat that has seen something extremely new, and it's too young to–They're not too young. They are where they need to be.
Hamnah: “You know, as far as I've been here, I mean it's always been your kitchen, Dione, and it's always been your kitchen too, Deen, in the way that the house was yours.”
Amir/Nada: “That's a nice way to put it. I…That's a nice way to remember it, yeah.”
Hamnah: “I haven't known it any other way, so…”
Gwen: “Well, I did always try to have a place in you, Deen.”
Amir/Nada: And their eyebrow, like, almost runs away from their face, like–before patting their cheek again, like: “I know. I know.” And…I don't think, with the exception of needing to get out of the house because somebody told me to–told me so–” Looks at Eira, looks at Dione–“I have never really left the house, so.”
Cai: Deen, what part of Laurie's house do you still carry with you, even after it's burnt down?
Amir/Nada: They did not think to…mess up or go through their pockets. Their phone is dead, but they have the important stuff of theirs. The important thing of Laurie’s. In their non-dominant left front pocket, is a roll of masking tape. Which is very–normally, very handy for working in the basement and noting things that need to get fixed, because they would sometimes walk out of a room and come back and wonder, why? Why did I come in? And I think Pascal caught on to that quickly enough as a sign of something needing to give, and masking tape is not gonna damage her. So that was, in a way, their way of putting their thoughts out of the computer inside their head. They could remember, if they just used other parts of their body to write and read and tear the tape. And they don't have anywhere for that right now. They–It also sticks out of their pocket in an obvious circle. They can't really bend that leg too much or it might crush it, like a phone in the pocket made for women's jeans, in a way. And they–now deciding to ditch the seat, the leather, the vinyl, the cloud, the lake, the…unyielding but formlessness of not being able to center themself has put them on edge. So they're instead leaning against the booth, the booth, the booth. “Eira, why are we here?”
Hamnah: “What do you mean?”
Amir/Nada: “Um. I just mean, I remember us talking about getting out of here.”
Hamnah: “We did.”
Cai: Deen you have no way to write down your thoughts. You don't have a pen.
Amir/Nada: Yeah. That's most definitely with the multi-tool, something that they never keep on, ‘cause their hair is so thick they could normally stick anything through it and it would always be there. But, you're right. There is no way to put words on the canvas that's rolled up in the pocket. And right now they're at a loss, because we did leave. And we all seemed very sure about leaving. And we're here? And look at Eira again, like: “Okay, I remember leaving. Do we want to try again?”
Hamnah: “We have to. It wasn't right. And we have to until it's right. Right? Princess?”
Gwen: “Yeah. I tried to make it, I…I didn't get to the house.”
Amir/Nada: “Oh. I guess I never left the house, then. Uh. But I was outside, and. Well, Theo was in the garden when they shouldn't have been, and maybe that helped things? But, I…I'll, I'll try, I'll try again, I guess.” They, they seem to be losing steam at the possibility of more things out of our control. And then, they–where's Eira right now?
Hamnah: I think Eira is sitting across the booth from Deen, and at this very visible draining of energy in Deen's body and voice and person, Eira leans across the table, almost like a cat stretching its front paws and looks with this knowing grin at Deen. “Hey, you want to go do something fun?”
Amir/Nada: Like, and, and there's like a second, like almost angry, but not loud enough to be angry, look on their face, like, is now the time? Is this the time? Is here, is this place the time? And it passes over in two seconds, like: “Yeah. I guess, like, anything is better than nothing.” They look out the window, it's–spring? It's spring. And they are, maybe in a way, seething inside that moving on is…maybe the better option, but the less honorable option, and that makes Deen puff up with something foreign, like, hair down the back. There is a sense of pride that is definitely lost in the suggestion that all of this grief is dead weight. We need to move on. But, they don't refuse you. In fact, they try their best to like, be in their body, realize we can go, we can try again. And they make a minor show out of stretching up their gangly limbs and showing like, a little bit of their stomach, like, again, a cat would when they're ready to play. They're showing you, they're trusting you with something vulnerable and soft, because they're not that great with words. They just nod, like, that journey, in all of six seconds, is over, and they say, “I would like to do something fun.”
Cai: Eira, what part of Laurie's house do you still carry with you even after it's burnt down?
Hamnah: It's kind of an odd thing, because the wood that Laurie's house is made of is... Well, I don't even think that Eira really knows, but they do know that the railings to the stairs were made out of pine. A different wood, for whatever reason, but, something sturdy, something durable that was there, and–well, it's those railings that Eira carries with them still, even after Laurie's house has burnt down. I mean, they were always there to support people, to catch people if they fall. Not that Eira ever needed that, but because that's the way that they wanted to be, are, will be. For everyone else around them, you know? Sturdy. They're stable, ready to catch you if you fall. Somewhere to put your hands to help you go up, help you go down wherever you need to be. And…Eira's hands go over to their forearms, where they have those tattoos of the pine trees. And it's there where they carry these railings, Laurie's house, it's in their arms, it's in their strong, calloused hands, it's in their stable body, always there, always ready.
Cai: Traveling up and down, constantly running up the stairs on every floor. Where does it go, Eira?
Hamnah: Away. Always away. Eira doesn't often really think too hard about where they're coming from so much as where they're going. To something. To anything, really. Doesn't matter as long as it's away.
Cai: Eira, will you please pull a card for me?
Hamnah: From what suit would you like me to pull a card?
Cai: Ah, let's do wands.
Hamnah: Actually, if it's okay with you, I would like to pull from a core memory–
Cai: Oh!
Hamnah: –and so would like to do a major arcana pull. I realize it's quite close to the last one, but.
Cai: Let's go. Let's go. Let's make some fundamental changes!
Hamnah: I got the hanged man. Again.
Cai: Oh my God! I love this though. Oh, this is so good. Eira. “What aspect of your identity do you feed to another?” Or: “What aspect of your identity lies waiting in hunger?”
Hamnah: It's spring. This is maybe a month ago, a few weeks ago, really not that long ago. And it is the season for outdoor activities yet again. We can finally go outside. It's no longer snowing, no longer icy, and we can do everything that we wanted to do. And so Eira has invited Deen and Aspen out on an outing. Specifically, we're all gonna go rock climbing. Outdoors, properly, not a climbing gym, not an outdoor rock climbing wall, but real, proper rock climbing. All of us, together. And so, we find ourselves in Eira's truck, all of the gear that they need piled up in the bed. Eira at the driver's seat, with Deen in the passenger, as the two of us are on our way to the location to meet Aspen there, to have a little fun, like Eira said. The windows are down, and Eira has one arm kind of, like, propped up, like, halfway out of the window, halfway not, the other hand kind of lazily on the steering wheel. And they look excited. They look ready to go, almost as if they had been cooped up for so long. And they flip their gray eyes over to Deen for a brief second. “Are you excited?”
Amir/Nada: And they perk up, like, almost one ear after the other, and turn, and say, “Yeah! I honestly get pretty embarrassed working out indoors. So this feels like, the best mid-way?” They weigh their hands like, there is a bad side and there is a good side, but not naming the bad side seems more appropriate, as they want to keep the peace. They have been in a serene sort of pose, with their legs folded, uh, every which way, like tall people do, no matter how you situate them in a car. And, they have mostly been taking the music in in full, because this car speaker is somehow extremely robust and Deen always makes it a point to say so. Like, you should be very proud of this upkeep. And they take in the touch and have, like, hair ruffling a little bit. They just shaved it. It's still so long over, like, the front of their head, how it falls. But they–to say cooped up is maybe the wrong framing. But. They are, perhaps, excited to leave something behind, or maybe just, like, wear something that isn't work clothes. They do–again, they look overdressed for this occasion, which is to say, kitted out in hiking gear. And, it is very clear, with fiddling with all of the shit on their belt loops, that they have not rock climbed before, outdoors. So. That is, maybe something that they're keeping quiet about now, but they motion over, like, the bend as you drive. “Ah, this is still like, in town though, right? Like. Mostly just because, um, I don't like being out at night, but it's a–that’s a separate issue.”
Hamnah: “Yeah, don't worry about it. Uh, it's right on the edge of town. It's Aspen's favorite climbing spot, actually. They go here all the time, so we'll be in good hands once we get there. Um, I've never actually been to this spot specifically, but it's supposed to be, like, really, uh, challenging and exciting. And I figured that we could use something to shake us all off out of our stupor, the routine of winter and everything.”
Amir/Nada: “Yeah? I. I don't know, I kind, I kind of like how cold it gets, but. I can agree with you, it's…to, to have something, like, tangible to face, with everybody.” Their tone kind of wavers, and they look out the window, like, sort of away from you like: “Well, I guess if we are in good hands, then…I'm ready.”
Hamnah: “Hell yeah! I mean, you always are. Um, actually, speaking of which, I was talking to Dione the other day, and I mentioned to her that we do this kind of thing, and I was thinking maybe next time she could join us. And it just got me thinking, we do a lot of–a lot of stuff that maybe a lot of people don't.”
Amir/Nada: “Mmm. I–would that be fair to say? I feel like I'm along for the ride. I don't mind driving sometimes, but like, um, I don't try to get myself hurt. I feel like these risks are very, um…calculated, let's say, like. It feels, it feels maybe in a way, that we should have done this years ago to get this out of our system or something, you know, so I don't mind.”
Hamnah: “Yeah, I mean, nobody's trying to get themself hurt, you know?”
Amir/Nada: “Good! I would not live with myself if that were the case.” They put almost like a knowing glass in your direction. Deen is not the one that calls the shots when it gets hard. That is Eira's zone. Deen is here to be a grounding force. And Deen knows that, as long as they can be a railing, it doesn't really matter how off the wall you get, because Eira is already always, always receptive and able to change, as long as it's about keeping on forward, keep going forward. And we're at Aspen’s. “That's, that's, that's, that’s ah–please, like, ah, you can, you can stop! Eira!”
Hamnah: And Eira comes to a very sudden skid, um, as we kind of see Aspen across the way. And Eira will do the thing where instead of getting out of your car to let people know that you're here, you just honk the horn really loudly. Ah. And Eira does that a couple of times to let Aspen know that we have arrived.
Cai: You–from a distance, so. You pull up and there's a dirt parking lot to this place and a…we'll call it from the box, uh, shed, that has a single lock that goes on it. Um. But it is nestled against this area that is just a horseshoe of trees–tall, beautiful trees, some oaks, some evergreens, just a, a smattering of trees and leaves on the ground that all face this beautiful rock face that has all of the already set, um, holds, and there's a few, um, ropes already set to climb, um, on a few of the places that you can see, there are other ones that are completely empty. Um. And Aspen, after the honking, jumps, and they whirl around. They're wearing a crop top, high-waisted shorts, and their harness, and that's it right now–and, and climbing shoes. Ah. And they come running over. “Oh! Hey! Hey, could you–quiet!”
Hamnah: “Okay, okay, sorry! I just wanted to let you know that we were here.”
Cai: “Go park over there!”
Hamnah: “All right, all right!” And, uh, Eira will very quickly kind of, like, move the truck, park it in the designated location, and will hop out of the truck, um, leaning up against the side and kind of looking at this expanse that is around us. And Eira will let out kind of, like, this, uh, drawn out whistle in awe of the area that we are in. “Holy shit, you weren't kiddin’. This place is beautiful.”
Cai: “It's the best spot in, like, the whole area.”
Hamnah: “Deen, what do you think?”
Cai: “Uh–”
Hamnah: “Where should we climb today? I mean–” And Eira will point to where the ropes are set up and then will also point to one of the areas where the ropes haven't been set up yet.
Cai: “Well, there's, uh, these ones over here are like the…they're the ones that like, if you're, if you're getting started, it's why I did them up already. They're all set up and ready to go. And then we've got a caving area over here. And then, uh, the further down you go down the wall, like, the further out the reaches are. So, you know, challenged by choice and all that, but, uh, I figured I'd, I'd, uh, belay you up the, the wall over here first.”
Amir/Nada: “I mean–” Deen clambered out, looking with a mock cowboy hat tip towards Aspen–‘cause of course, they're not wearing any hats–and they seem to bristle more as the challenge rating almost seems to, like, increase in front of them, like ahead of them. And they shake their head and look towards the far end of the wall where they're, like, assessing the holds, and then shake out their limbs. True to form, extremely long, gangly. They've always been just shy of six feet, though that has been getting, that has–they have been getting smaller over time as their posture has gotten worse. And we can tell–we, you, you and us–can tell that they will not have too many times to experience this again. So.
Cai: Deen, how does it feel knowing that, again, Aspen gave you the easiest option first? Set it up, dressed it, ready to go.
Amir/Nada: Deen would have rather they be told that something was wrong with them, but it's not a matter of…politeness? It's not a matter of Aspen just doing this for other people. Deen doesn't know many people like Aspen, who is maybe more wild, in a way, than Eira, so in a way, they want to not care so badly. Right? Like, this is definitely not personal–but maybe Deen wants it to be personal. So, they turn almost like, completely away from the rope set up, and they look sort of as if we were sit–set up in a triangle facing each other. Like: “I will follow wherever you go.” If you were looking to the far wall or the cave.
Hamnah: Eira will pull Aspen in with one arm towards them, and kiss them on the cheek briefly. They’ll say, “I really appreciate that. But, you know, I think Deen and I can handle something a little more challenging than that.”
Cai: “Sure, sure. I mean, it's–I just figured, it's a new place, new holds and all that stuff, but that's fine. I will, um–I'll move it. I'll move it. Just give me, give me like 20 minutes. I'll move the lines, it’ll be fine–”
Hamnah: “You don't even have to move it, really.”
Cai: “I mean, unless you're gonna go caving, I, I gotta move the, the lines down, the–”
Hamnah: “The holds are still up there, aren't they? On the–”
Cai: “Yeah. But–I mean, the rocks don't move.”
Hamnah: “Yeah, exactly! So, I mean, we can just go up it. You don't need to move anything.”
Cai: “Yeah! With, with like a, with a harness and…the rope. It's good t–Trust me. Don't worry about it. I'm just going to go and–” With that, they start to, like, move away from you. Not upset, but just like factual.
Hamnah: And Eira will, I think playfully–or the intention is to be playful, anyway–will gently tug on Aspen's harness, like, maybe, like, a place where, like, a loop is loose or something is meant to be hooked onto it. “I mean, you can do that, if you want. Nobody's stopping you. I'm not saying that people can't. I'm just saying that we don't really need to.”
Cai: And they reach down and put their hands on yours, and you feel that, ah, slip knot tighten around your wrist, Eira. A silk, beautiful rope, not a climbing rope. Just tight enough so you can feel it, as Aspen's hands reach down and lightly hold yours tenderly.
Hamnah: Eira's heart starts beating loudly, embarrassingly loudly, with this rhythmic, constant “Da-dum, da-dum,” the way that boots sound running on pavement as they look up, to Aspen over them.
Cai: White tank top, black leather rope harness holding their very trim form, looks down at you, hand on hip, gives it a little tug. “Is that too tight?”
Hamnah: “I told you, I don't think you could ever make it too tight.”
Cai: “That's not the point Eira, you know that.”
Hamnah: “No, it's not too tight.”
Cai: “Good.” And with that they turn around, they walk behind you and pull your wrist with them, and cinch tighter as they very deftly thread the rope through the already secured other ropes that lace your back. Pulling it. And you feel the rope, the heat of it, pass over your skin.
Hamnah: A sharp inhale wants to escape out of Eira's mouth, climbing up their throat, but they catch it before it escapes, closing their lips tightly, pushing their head back up against the pillow to stop themself, physically barring the sound, daring it to go back into their body, to not give Aspen the satisfaction. And Eira just says, stepping back, backwards, mirroring Aspen's own step backwards from them. “Come on, Aspen, you gotta live a little. And I mean, Deen's good for it, aren't you?”
Amir/Nada: “Yeah! I mean–” They, maybe wi–eyes blown wide open, as if…they shouldn't be here. But, no, they–it wasn’t, it wasn't just that they promised themself that they were going to get out and that they promised Eira that we would have this time together, it doesn't matter that we're all here. They do know that they could do this. And that probably makes their pulse run a little fast, not necessarily loud, but they want, they want the best experience they can get, if they decide they don't like it, they decide they’re–they, they don't want to decide that they're not cut out for it yet. And they sort of, like, s–walk, not instep, because you two aren't moving. It is as if there's like, a comet barely escaping an orbit path of–a twin planet? It's unsure. It's unsure of itself. But Deen starts walking ahead of them and says, “Eira already said what they wanted to do, and y'all should have agreed on this beforehand, if you weren’t sure, honestly. Let's just go.”
Cai: “If you wanna climb without ropes, go, go to the caving area! Like, or at least just–don't go, don't go more than, like, your head, um, up the wall. I'm gonna go to the shed, I'll be right back.” And they look at you, Eira, not with desire, not with joy at what's coming. They're a little pissed. And you can see the spark in their eye, that wild flame as they turn their head and walk towards the shed.
Hamnah: Eira, exasperated, but not trying to show it, just kind of scoffs a tiny bit. And over their shoulder, will say to Deen, who, they're not even really sure is listening, considering that Deen is walking away at this point: “I'm sure they'll get over it.” And Eira will walk towards Deen, leaving Aspen to go get whatever it is that they think is necessary for this.
Cai: In the shed, you hear ropes moving, and you feel the tug on the ropes that cover your body, straightening your posture. You can't move on your own, of course. They have to move you. And their hand is just to steady you. And their lips come down unseen behind you, onto your shoulder.
Hamnah: “Sometimes, beloved, it feels like…you don't like the shape of me.”
Cai: “I love the shape of you.” A kiss again. A hand down your side. “Why would you think that?”
Hamnah: “You don't feel it? The wall?”
Cai: “Wall?” And with that they kind of pull away, and use the rope to actually pivot themself around your muscular form, and they sit next to you, look you in the eyes.
Hamnah: And Eira reaches up with their wrists that have somehow come undone from behind their back, and are instead tied in front of them, and they reach up towards Aspen with them. “Call it what you want, a knot, a wall, a tie. But there's always…there's always something underneath it, Aspen.”
Cai: “I just want you to be here with me.”
Hamnah: “Why don't you go somewhere with me?”
Cai: “You mean like leave town, or–?”
Hamnah: “No, I don't mean leave town. I just mean…let yourself go! Unbind.”
Cai: “This is–listen, this is it. This is me unwinding. I–hey, what, I thought we were good.”
Hamnah: “We are!”
Cai: “I want you here with me and you seem like you're, I don't know, a thousand miles away, out of town.”
Hamnah: “No, I'm here. I couldn't go anywhere even if I wanted to.” And Eira looks down at the rope that binds Eira to Aspen, literally physically keeping them here. “I couldn’t go anywhere, even if I wanted to.”
Cai: “Good, ‘cause I don't want you to.”
Hamnah: “Yeah, me neither. I just…wish that you would let go a little, you know? Just have some fun with me.”
Cai: “I hope. I hope I can show you this is me letting go. Listen, we'll, we'll go climbing or something again.”
Hamnah: “Okay, but can we bring Deen?”
Cai: “Sure.”
Hamnah: Eira watches Aspen walk away, and turns to face Deen, facing away from their–friend, partner, something–walking away from them angrily. And Eira just kind of puts their one hand in their hair and like, tousles it in a kind of sheepish look. And they say, “I'm sure Aspen will be okay. Why don't we just get a head start? You know, make it less work for them.”
Amir/Nada: “Yeah, yeah, let's.” They cock their head at the end of that sentence because they're not sure what the fuck that means, but they, they nod like, “Let's…go. Yeah.”
Hamnah: “...Okay then!” And Eira will just kind of, like, rock back and forth on their heels a couple times awkwardly, and then will–I think like, with a very quick, sudden momentum, will go from like zero to like 70, 80, like, immediately, and start walking rather quickly, expecting Deen to follow, towards the rock wall where all of the different climbing courses are kind of set up. And you'll notice that Eira is starting to walk further away from the sort of beginner course that Aspen had recommended that we start with, and is starting to go somewhere closer to maybe like, in the middle, kind of getting onto the harder kind of, uh, courses that are set up.
Amir/Nada: Yeah. And Deen gets more excited the further along that you go, that–that sudden start that you had gets closed very quickly in distance by them just simply skipping along almost. They seem very happy to be out. It's really beautiful, if only you stop for a second to take it in, but Eira’s not here to stop and do anything. We are here to move somewhere, and they like the look of the further wall, too. They catch up to Eira. I think as we get to the base–the rock? cliff side?–look up.
Hamnah: You notice that, as Eira is walking along beside you, as we're coming up to the base of this wall, there is almost, um…it looks like there is something weighing Eira down, like something is tugging at them or pulling on them to keep them from going. But, you notice that whatever it is only seems to be there for a moment before Eira, like, pushes forward–quite literally, physically, with their body–pushes forward as if they're pulling something, dragging something along with them, to this wall. Something that is tied to them, anchored to them, it's unclear.
Amir/Nada: Whatever Eira dropped, dragged, ignored–Deen picks it up. They are so good at reading anybody else besides their own actions, and they–think, I think they like, turn to face you so like, we're almost like, leaning on the wall, and Deen take–looks at you up and down, like: “Trouble in paradise?” To get words out of their mouth, to start something.
Hamnah: “No, I'm sure that everything's going to be okay. I-I mean, Aspen's just worried because they think that we're going to hurt ourselves or something, but it'll be fine. And once we get started and they see that it's fine, I'm sure that they'll…they'll come around. They'll be okay.”
Amir/Nada: “They do have a tendency to bounce back quickly. Just as long as you're okay. You know, like…I'm sure everyone's here for a lot of excitement, but I'm-I'm just down for whatever. So, you should also just do what you want to do. You know?”
Hamnah: “Yeah, no, I'm. I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be okay?”
Amir/Nada: “Mm.” And they, they do make that noise, like, like that's, that's been every time Deen asks that question. Anytime anybody asks Eira that question, it's like, a, “You're supposed to be okay!” And Deen wants to assume that this is like, reflexive, or a bad habit if it's, if it's even a habit at all. Deen wants to assume you're telling the truth so we can do this thing that we both wanna do. And we're like, suspended in time for a bit where Deen assesses, and then drops it. “Okay, I believe you. Just, I don't often, ah, hear about how you actually are besides fine. You know? So. Like I, I get to complain all the time.”
Hamnah: “And I'm more than happy to listen when you need a space to vent, but I don't really have a lot to vent about, you know? And so, if there's nothing really to explain, then fine just kind of becomes the answer. I mean, I'm, I’m fine.” And the way that Eira looks at you, you can see that there is this tension underneath what they're saying, there's this tension on their face like, they need you so desperately to agree that they're fine, that everything's okay, can't you see that everything is okay? And it's like, it's not a casual answer as much as they're trying so hard for it to sound casual. There is this quiet desperation underneath, underneath that response.
Amir/Nada: I think Deen sees that very same thing that you've been dragging in your hands, right now, as if you are waiting to be relieved of something by permission. And Deen, I think, in a surprising move, takes it like a step further and immediately, long arms giving an a, an a, a huge benefit to how far they could go up. They immediately go seven feet up and swift, nimble, like a cat, pull themselves up and offer their hand down to you and say, “What about more than fine?”
Hamnah: And Eira, with this weight in their hands, which is this jumbled knot of a mess that is binding their fingers and their wrists and their forearms together, so that they can't move or manipulate it in any dexterous, concerted way. They look up at you so far up, and they don't know how to reach for your hand. Their arms are bound. And so all they can do is look up at you with their ashen but empty eyes. And…you can see it, in their face, as they're trying to figure it out, trying to find a way up, and a solution is just not coming.
Amir/Nada: And that moment stretches to a minute, where it's very clear that Deen made this gesture and initiated and something was off, so they pull their hand back. They clamber on down like, this is not a mode that I've had to be in for a while. Are we talking? Down, we're on the ground, like. There's no danger here. And I think in one last act of what they consider to be bravery, they take your–they take like, from the underside of your hands, they cup your hands, and try to have you look at them. “Hey. It's fine.”
Hamnah: When you touch Eira's hands, they are exceedingly hot. Eira always runs a little bit hotter than the average person. That's not new. But what's new is just how much the intensity of that heat has risen. To the point where you almost feel like if you hold their hands for too long, you will burn your own. Almost like, if you move with the right friction, that you will ignite a flame between the two of you right then and there.
Cai: And yet around you all it is colder than it should be. One of those ropes tied in that bundle. One obviously leads to the shed, but there's others. And another one snakes into a snowdrift just behind you, Deen. And a paw steps in and looks up at Eira.
Hamnah: And as soon as Eira notices the paw stalk out from beneath the snow, from behind the snow, Eira takes a step back. Away from you, Deen, taking their hands with them, leaving this lingering, burning feeling on your fingertips. And they just look at you and they say, “I just need to know that I can walk away.”
Amir/Nada: And Deen, with a quickness that is, again, surprising, puts their now pink, glowing hands up. And does the non-threatening thing of shrinking and maybe raising their voice, but it's done all in one motion so that you know this might just be how they are with anxious people, with kids, with people that need to know that it's okay to not be fine. And they, they put their hands in their pockets, not in a regretful manner, but they nod, like, “We don't have to climb. We don't have to do anything you don't want to do. And you don't have to be here, with me, honestly.”
Hamnah: “No, you don't understand.”
Cai: Eira, over Deen's shoulder, you see the snow leopard leap, easily 10 feet in the air, getting to the wall, ascending where you did not climb. Claws in, looking down at you, ready to pounce.
Hamnah: And thinking that the snow leopard was going for Deen, Eira all of a sudden I think bounds for you and kind of pulls you towards them, pulls you in close to them, close to their own body, shielding you, almost, with their own.
Amir/Nada: “Woah, woah, woah!”
Hamnah: And they look frantically up at the wall, and they say, “No, you don't understand! I have to climb, I have to be here. I have to get just close enough and then I have to know that I can walk away.”
Amir/Nada: “Okay. Just…tell me that you want me here. This is you and Aspen's thing. I don't know why you invited me. I've never done this before. But I can do it with you.”
Hamnah: “Because you always do it with me. I want you here, Deen.”
Cai: The leopard ascends the wall, claw by claw. There's a bush jutting out from one of the rocky surfaces. And as it ascends, the spots blend into the bush and you lose sight of it.
Hamnah: And Eira, still with Deen held close to them: “You're the only person that'll do it with me.”
Amir/Nada: And, I don't think the actual seriousness of the situation hits, but they nod as if they will do it if it was illegal. They would do it if it was deadly. They would do it if it was risky. Because it is you. And they–I think they relax a lot into you holding them and give you like, a firm pat on the back, so that you can stay there until it is time for you to let go of them and start climbing.
Hamnah: And as you pat Eira on the back, those ropes seem to have snaked their way around Eira's body, constricting more of it. And you touch some of the rope as you pat their back, and it ignites just a small fire between the two of you that burns. Doesn't hurt you, but it burns.
Amir/Nada: Their hands are calloused enough to not mind it. They're in pain enough to not bother with it anyway. They kind of already knew what they were signing up for without actually knowing. And their hands like, almost jolt at the resistance of ropes they can't see, and they, they pause they're, like, “Oh, hold on, I, I–” And then, I think in a motion that's all too complex, try to let you go, and they have very short nails just for the occasion of untying a knot that needs untying very quickly, and they find it quickly.
Cai: Deen, these knots were made to be untied quickly.
Amir/Nada: Quickly.
Cai: Just not by the person bound by them.
Amir/Nada: And then Deen, I think, having never done this before, still–finds one and two, they're down Eira’s back, how did they–? One, they untie three knots that are in a diamond sort of pattern. And as they untie, like, the, the ropes weaving across, I think, start to li–have more slack to them. As everything on the back that is smooth, they pat Eira down with intent, to make sure it is all smooth. If Eira is not fine, Deen will hold them by the shoulder, and search for things they can't reach, things that Eira can't reach, until it is time for them to climb. “If you say we have to climb, then we're gonna, we're gonna get to it, just on your time, Eira.”
Hamnah: And Eira stands there, not saying very much, if anything at all. And they stand there, allowing you to hold them firmly by the shoulders. And they try and maintain that firm, even posture that you were so used to seeing on them. But you can see, and you can feel, because you have their, your hands on them, that their body is shaking and their eyes keep floating up to the top of that wall where something disappeared behind the tree line, something that you couldn't see, didn't see, but that was there. And after a few moments, a few long moments, Eira finally exhales sharply, and, with a snap, that demeanor returns. The old one, the familiar one that you know. And they say, “Let's get to the top of this rock.”
Amir/Nada: “Oh, fuck yes. All right. Uh, I am gonna be under you at all times, okay? Just because I've never done this before.”
Hamnah: “Shouldn't you be–shouldn't I be, in case you fall?”
Amir/Nada: “Mm, I think I feel comfortable having less of a distance to fall, uh, if that comes to happen, but I'm also gonna be very, very careful. Besides, it's, it’s really nice out, and I don't want to waste my time like, worrying too much more. The point is, I trust you. Ah, so, since I've never done this before, if I should go in front in case something goes wrong, that's fine. But if you also want to go in front in case something goes wrong, then that's also fine.”
Hamnah: “You're going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. We always are when we're together.”
Cai: And, even though moments later Aspen appears, words are exchanged, everything is fine. Eira. “What aspect of your identity do you feed to another?” Or: “What aspect of your identity lies waiting in hunger?”
Hamnah: The truth is always following Eira, always stalking them, always lurking around the corner, waiting to pounce on them. It's a truth that Eira doesn't like to think about, but it's one that drives them, that colors their every decision, their every move. It's not something they're ready to face yet, but they know it's hungry.
Cai: What object on your character sheet changes?
Hamnah: The pine cone that is Eira's flora changes yet again into chestnuts. Try as they might, they can't keep up this hearty, sturdy facade anymore. It's becoming exhausting. It's always been exhausting, but the cracks are starting to show, the false pretenses, the hiding. It's not really working anymore. Eira still needs it to work, but it's not working anymore.
Cai: And what object in the house changes?
Hamnah: The macrame decoration that Aspen made that hangs above the bedroom on the third floor, that changes. And it changes into this series of felt balls that line the headboard of the bed that the macrame decoration used to hang above. They are not well made. They look like they were hastily put together, made of some sort of fur textile. It's a little bit difficult to tell, but they're all different kinds of sizes, some small, some large, and hastily placed along the top of the headboard, as if somebody was counting something? Like a different version of making paper cranes to get a wish. Like someone was making felt balls to get a wish instead, because they had nothing else to work with.
Cai: The diner air is thick with the smell of breakfast. Eira, across from you is Deen sitting, losing a battle with a vinyl chair, and a Princess in a veil.
Amir/Nada: “Okay, so, so we tried that, and…we're here now.”
Hamnah: “I don't know about you, but I had fun.”
Amir/Nada: “Mmm, yeah, I won't lie.” There's a real smile on their face. “It was pretty cool. It was pretty fun.”
Hamnah: “Hell yeah! Next time, you're coming with, chef.”
Gwen: There's a slight smile in the corner of the Princess's lips. “Next time, but I was hoping you'd get something out of getting away for a little while. It's only fair.”
Hamnah: “Yeah, I mean–is the thrill of doing something that you may never get to do ever again, is that not worth it?”
Gwen: The Princess goes to say something, and her lips close. And instead, she turns her gaze–or you have to assume–to the window. There are birds that fly far too high. There is no ground. Just the scene–the scenery of the tower, this Princess is trapped in. “You're probably right.”
Cai: Dione, people keep fleeing your tower. But, will you please pull a card for me? Let's go with swords, if you don't mind.
Gwen: Nine of swords.
Cai: Dione. “A monster lurks in the corners of your nightmares. Do you dare to speak its name out loud?”
Gwen: Nightmares only happen at night. If you can call 3 AM night, it's only fair. Again, Dione didn't make it to the house. She's been out, surprisingly, for a while, but now she's here. There's work to be done. Something has to be done, right? And what needs to be done right now, um, well, is what has to be done after any meal, is the dishes. And, after that meal that she made, the spicy bean and cheese arepas with the chimichurri guacamole, there's a bit of a mess on these plates. It's not the easiest clean, the, the grease, the sauce left. But, in this time, that Dione is used to being awake, there's space for…contemplation? No, not for Dione, there's space for conversation. As the tattoo of the Hispanolian woodpecker lands on her neck.
Cai: The dishes–colorful, mixed, as vibrant as the house itself–are piled high. And in most kitchens, that would be, especially a communal kitchen like this one, a sign of someone missing a chore, or maybe even disrespect. But in Laurie's house, dishes have always been a place to center yourself. Laurie's favorite thing in all of the world, dirty dishes from a loved meal. Dione, do you feel the love in the dirty dishes?
Gwen: She does. And normally, Dione, as Laurie, is so familiar with that love. It comes from everyone who's ever passed through this kitchen. But Dione...is Dione. Experiencing that love is overwhelming. It's something she doesn't know how to accept or, or even, more importantly, give back. And, as the black mamba rears its head to meet the woodpecker, Dione, closing her golden eyes for a moment: “How? How did you do it? How did you–”
Cai: The woodpecker flies around the kitchen, lands on the floor next to you, looks up at you.
Gwen: “How did you return all of the love that you were given?”
Cai: You look down at the plate in your hand, the newer, nice faucets shining, with a little bit of soap sort of bubbling everywhere in the area. A dark hand reaches next to you and turns on the cold water on the old, rusty hard water, needed to be scaled very often, faucets, as Laurie leans a hip on the counter, throws a towel over her shoulder. Not Dione, Laurie, smiles. “Well, you see, this is it.” And she motions to all of the dishes, every plate. “You know, you put the love in the food. You give it back.”
Gwen: “I do! I, I do. It's–I can't turn that off. It's just...it's so much. They want–they need–so much love. They deserve so much love. Me, I–”
Cai: “So do you!” And she leans closer. She very gently reaches out a hand, wearing dish gloves, to just kind of lightly scoop a hair behind your ear.
Gwen: [She] Doesn't mind the bit of soapy water that drips off of her crimson curl, as she contends with the spotlight being put on her for a moment and, reflexively, spinning it back around. “Laurie, there’s–it's so overwhelming, though. And I mean, for you, it must have been even more, I mean, you had, like, everyone. I mean, Theo alone. And, and my mother, I…” Dione stops and bites her lip. Because she doesn't actually know if Laurie ever knew. She... looks at the dish in her hands. The dish that's a letter that was unopened before her that she found in the box under her mother's bed. A confession that maybe nobody knew, that Laurie didn't know.
Cai: The soapy water dripping down your cheek turns to black ash. The dish gloves begin to just ever so slightly wilt into ash. But Laurie herself is fine, smiles. “You've always been such a sweet girl. Love is not money. You don't pay it in kind. You just love. Your mother loved.”
Gwen: “Then how did–I mean, your, your love is here in this house, but…how did you become home for yourself? Did you ever?”
Cai: “I–” And she lifts a plate, wet with soap, lifts it, looks into it. You can see her beautiful dark skin, her very tight, textured hair pulled back, just smartly. She looks at herself in the plate. “I loved the first person that I had to love, and then put more of that into the house, so that you could have some too.”
Gwen: “What? Why? How? Laurie, that's not possible. You didn't know me.”
Cai: “You think I opened a community house not thinking that someday your mama, Theo, every other person in the neighborhood wouldn't have children, or mentees, or that the schools wouldn't have people that were affected by coming and going from here. The–I didn't do it for that, but I love home. I chose this to be my home. It makes it very easy to love when I deserve a home, and I didn't have one until this house. And now–” And as she pointedly puts her finger on the counter, you see the ash begin to climb up her body, and flames begin to rise around her. “And now all of that is yours. And everyone that's ever lived in this house, everyone that's ever loved my Theo. And I am just a house. And I need you to be you, so that you can love another home.”
Gwen: “But I've been, I've been you for so long. I don't know who I am without you! Just, does anyone know who they are without you?”
Cai: As the t–as the fire climbs up and she becomes a radiant light of fire–not in pain, in beauty–she smiles. And that smile is more radiant than the fire. The tears that fall down her face, untouched by the flame, the water in the garden, the rain in the gutters, the drops of water that Theo feeds all of the plants on every windowsill. “I'm not going anywhere. I am in the blood of this community. I loved you before you were born. And you are the most beautiful woman that I could have ever hoped you to be. Let me be your mirror, not a ghost.”
Gwen: “Okay. Okay. If no one else sees you in me ever again, then at least I'll see you in the mirror.”
Cai: “Sweet girl, you don't have to wear me to be me. I'm not going anywhere. Besides, who can resist those cute cheeks of yours? Who wouldn't want those?” And she pinches you just a little as the ash begins to dissipate into soap suds, into dirty dishes.
Gwen: “Not you, but like you.”
Cai: Dione. “A monster lurks in the corners of your nightmares. Do you dare to speak its name out loud?”
Gwen: Dione stands–in the soap, in the bubbles, in the ash, in the fire–and calmly turns to the shadows cast by the Knight, by the flames. And she sees its shape. And she watches a shape emerge from that shape, the woodpecker, fly away. And all that's left is Dione’s shadow.
Cai: And what in Laurie's house–in your home, changes?
Gwen: The knife. One that...Dione. Dione has used many times, now is unusual. It's almost a foot long. A yanagi. Made for decisively cutting away, carving, large pieces of meat. For cutting away the fat, for getting the piece that you need definitively.