Everybody makes mistakes (S8E7)

Show Notes

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This episode was inspired by two mistakes I made this weekend... and how compassion helps us through.

And you might like to know that when I first loaded it up, I completely forgot to include the usual intro. It is human to err indeed!

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Henny Flynn: Helps if the
headphones aren't plugged in! So

today, I think this might be
quite a quick one, but and it's

very much on the fly. It comes
from a recognition that some

stuff that happened over the
weekend really demonstrated a

couple of things to me, and I
thought it might be useful to

explore them here. I've called
this episode, making mistakes,

because it is human To err. It
is human, to mess up to fumble

something, to skip a step and
not realise that that's what

you've done. To make mistakes.

It is human to get over excited
about something and get ahead of

yourself, it is human to be so
anxious about the details that

actually they're the thing that
get muddled. You know, we are

perfectly imperfect, you know,
to use that phrase. And it is

through our errors that is
through our mistakes that so

often we do our most beautiful
learning. And it's also through

the way that we respond to the
mistakes that we make. And there

are three, three stories that
arise when I reflect on this. So

one is one of my first jobs was
working for a English language

publisher in Portugal. And the
woman that I worked for was just

wonderful, I was really, really
lucky to have her as a boss. And

I overheard her talking to her
daughter a few years later

saying that I had been one of
the few people she'd ever worked

with, who was always willing to
face up to and own mistakes that

I'd made. Now, I didn't know at
that time that that was

something that I did, I hadn't
really kind of clocked it. And I

don't know where I learned it.

So this isn't about analysis of
that, or even kind of to to, you

know, horn tooting. It's rather
just the recognition that for

her, it felt surprising to have
somebody working for her, who

was willing to say, I've messed
up, what, what do we need to do

to fix it. And I think it says
far more about her experience

and the people that she had
worked with in the past. And it

says about me at all. And the
second story that arises is of a

guy who used to be in my team,
someone where I was his manager.

And I remember him telling me
how he had been on the graduate

training scheme, big corporate
organisation been on the

graduate training scheme. And
until he came and worked with

me, he had never worked with a
leader who admitted that they

got things wrong, or that they
didn't know the answer. And in

fact, he'd actually been taught
by two of the senior leaders

he'd worked with in that
organisation, that if you make a

mistake, you'd never admit
culpability. And if you don't

know what you're doing, you
pretty much make something up.

Now, I found that shocking, and
I'm sure you find it shocking to

I mean, it was however, knowing
some of the characters involved

I can I can understand where
that might have come from.

And, and the third story is what
happened this weekend. Now. You

might have already seen that on
our will in the middle of

October. I am launching this
year's journaling quest Now the

journaling quest is two weeks of
daily emails with a journaling

prompt coming into your inbox
every day over those two weeks.

And, as part of it, I am sharing
my own journaling prompt,

inspired by that day's prompt my
own journaling rather inspired

by that stays prompt. So, as you
might imagine, if you've ever

tried to set anything like this
up, it is quite complex. There

are, you know, there's lots of
messages and emails that I need

to send out before it starts. I
want to make sure that the right

people get the right messages.

And then there's obviously
making sure that the people who

sign up to the programme to the
quest, get all of the journaling

prompts each day. So it's
complex and and there's a whole

system in the back end that I
need to navigate and make sure

I'm using correctly. Now, on
Saturday morning, I got an email

from a very good friend of mine,
who luckily had been one of the

very first people to sign up to
the quest saying, honey, I'm not

sure I was meant to get this
email. And when I opened up my

inbox, I saw that the very first
one of these journaling prompts

had gone out two weeks early. So
I quickly went into the system,

checked who they'd gone to.

Luckily, it was only a handful
of people, just eight people. So

the people who had signed up
really in that first kind of

hour that I launched it, or you
know, whatever, first sort of

few hours, when I launched it, I
changed all the settings, I

checked everything I wrote to
all the people who'd received

that rogue email and explain to
them what has happened and, and

thought, whew, okay, I've sorted
it all out, they're not going to

get like a whole string of
things from me until the

programme launches on 15th of
October. Great carried on with

my Saturday, then, on Sunday
morning, that's a message from

my friend saying, okay, and now
seem to have got the last email

in the seat, like the one that
was meant to go out, right at

the end of the journal inquest.

And, you know, few minor
exclusives might have gone

through my mind at that point,
as I thought, what Earth have I

done, and then checked into the
system that I've using, had a

look, I realised that there was
one little button that I hadn't

pressed, and oh, so then I like,
you know, checked everything

out, everything else was okay.

It was just that one little
button. And then I wrote to the

eight people who also received
that message. Luckily, it was,

you know, it was all the same
group and not the sort of 10s

and 10s of other people who've
signed up by that point. And,

and it was fine. I explained to
them, you know, Gremlin in the

system, not sure what I've done
here, but hopefully, this should

be the last time they get a
rogue email from me, and

apologies for the spoiler alert.

So I really noticed how I felt
about that experience. And the

urge that I had to really
criticise myself about having

made that mistake. And I also
noticed when I was writing to

that small group, that there was
this big urge inside me to again

to like to be really, really
critical of myself. And at the

same time, because I chose to
approach

resolving this with a really
calm and kind and compassionate

stance, rather than allowing
myself to kind of tumble

headlong into that self
critical, judgmental place. I

was able to notice that urge to,
to be really self critical and

blame myself you know, called
Almost self names, if you will.

And at the same time to write to
that small group with a more

kind of adult stance, rather
than going into that, that sort

of child or adolescent place of
blame and criticism. And I

received a really lovely message
from one of that group, and

that's really what inspired me
to record this today. And in her

message, and I very consciously
not got it up on my screen,

because I don't want to sort of
read it out verbatim to you. But

in that message, she was
basically saying, how much she

appreciated that I had written,
how much she appreciated the way

that I had responded to those
two mistakes that I'd made. And

that she found it really
interesting to observe my

response, as a tool for helping
her consider how she might

respond to mistakes that she
makes in the future. And her

message was so beautiful it was
so it was so generous, actually,

as well, because it was also
designed to make me feel more

comfortable about having made
those mistakes. And, and she

also said something around, she
kind of hopes that I might make

another mistake. And she'll get
another little message from me

explaining, like, what's going
on? And, you know, she's curious

about how I might respond to
that. And, and I found this all

really, really fascinating. And
I suppose the thing here really

is, why, what is your response
when you make a mistake? You

know, how, what are the stories
that you carry about what it

means to make a mistake? And,
and I suspect this is something

to do, you know, and like, maybe
I have my parents to thank him,

maybe maybe they were, you know,
maybe they managed to say the

right thing at the right time.

You know, in my learning
process, where I didn't learn to

judge myself, if I made a
mistake I learned to move on

maybe maybe, I don't know,
doesn't mean I always do. It's

very easy for me to also slip
into judgement, or certainly

that has been my experience in
the past. But this, so, but this

reflection here really is about
how when we choose to approach

and face into a mistake that
we've made with compassion, you

no big surprise there. That's
the word that I'm going to come

to. But when we choose to do it
with compassion, when we choose

to do it calmly, and look at
okay, what actually needs to be

resolved here? What actually
needs my attention? And how can

I respond to this in the most
compassionate way that

absolutely transforms the way
that we respond? And it shifts,

shifts it from being a reaction,
you know, a triggered,

activated, agitated, feeling,
filling our body into a calm

present. For me, humour plays
quite a big part, if I realise

that I've made a mistake is that
sort of I find laughing about it

laughing with myself, not at
myself laughing with myself

about it to be really, really
useful. And that, to me, is kind

of part of that compassion. And,
and, and I kind of I'm so

grateful. I mean, I know this
sounds absolutely bizarre,

really, but I am genuinely
grateful that those two mistakes

came to light, because it means
that you know, the hopefully

hundreds of people who sign up
to the journaling quest don't

all experience what the eights
have variants, because I've been

given this opportunity to
correct a missed problem that I

didn't know was there. And it's
also given me an opportunity to

really kind of bond with that
little group I genuinely feel

this sort of bond with with that
my early weekend morning email

group as I'm thinking of them.

And the other thing as well is
it's given me an opportunity to

observe myself and observe the
way that I responded and observe

the choices that I made in the
way that I responded. And, and I

found that to be really
interesting. Regardless of what

my response had been, I find
that really interesting. And I,

yeah, I mean, I think that might
be it, as you say, and I.

You know, that's it. But I would
really love to hear your

reflections. You know, how do
you respond internally. And

externally, I how you speak to
others, or how you write to

somebody else, when you make a
mistake, because it's something

that we all do. And, and
actually, here's another one.

Another little story that just
springs to mind as I actually

shared this before, actually, on
the podcast can't remember where

I was going to some training, I
was receiving some training. And

this was some time before locked
down. And I was really late to

get there had to cross London,
tubes were slow, couldn't find a

way got a bit lost, blah, blah,
blah. And I knew I was going to

be about 25 minutes late for
this training. And I don't like

being late. I like being on
time. I like being organised. I

like I like having things in a
row. And that's what helps me

stay in a very calm place. And
so I could feel I was getting a

bit agitated about being late
for this training. And also, you

know, I've got a whole load of
things around being late is

disrespectful, and blah, blah,
blah. That's all up stories from

my past. And so I'd messaged the
two trainers on the course. And

when I arrived, I went up to one
of them. And I said, you know,

oh my god, I'm so sorry. I'm so
sorry. I'm so late. And he

turned to me. And he said, was
it deliberate? And I said, No,

no, God, no, of course not. And
he said, Then why are you

apologising? And he just gave me
a little smile. But often, we

carried on with the training.

And him saying that, to me, has
stuck with me for such a long

time. Because on the one hand, I
could say, well, of course I'm

apologising, because I'm
disrupting the session. And, you

know, I, I apologise for
disrupting the session, I think

he would have accepted that. But
I was apologising for being

late, and it wasn't something
that I could control. And so the

deeper bit that he could see was
how agitated I was about being

late. And it's really sort of my
it's really been a helpful tool

actually, in helping me stay in
a calm place. So now, I imagine,

I don't know, maybe, maybe I'll
test this at some point that I

imagined that I would now be
much calmer if I found myself

late from it. And in fact,
actually, even as I said, that I

know that I am. I'm much more
able to keep myself in that calm

place without getting up into
that agitated place. Because I'm

much more thoughtful about the
fact that you know, this isn't

something that I've chosen to
do. I'm not making this mistake

deliberately. It's a set of
circumstances, or, or I've

literally just made a mistake
because it's human to air. When

I say air, I don't mean Ayar by
the way, obviously it's Eat

blah. Okay, all right, my
darlings, I hope that's inspired

some thinking for you. And yeah,
I'd really really love to know

like what helps you return to a
place of calm when you find that

you've made a mistake when
you've realised you've made a

mistake, or what helps you
address or redress when you've

made a mistake, and you notice
that something needs to be done,

and also what helps you perhaps
get into a calm place when you

realise that, you know, you've
been perfectly imperfect, and

and if all of this feels quite
new, then I'd love to know

what's really resonated for you,
whether it's kind of sparked a

little thought around a step,
small step that you could take,

that could really help you in
not slipping into that

judgmental, you know, internal
critic place and rather be able

to acknowledge accountability
and responsibility when

something has gone wrong, not
trying to shirk from it not

trying to say, going into the
passive voice and so a mistake

has been made, rather to say I
made a mistake. And this is how

we are resolving it. But without
that being an activated place,

rather it being a place of calm,
adult centred, balanced

perspective. Okay, my darlings.

So actually, depending on when I
send this out, I that journaling

quest goes live on the 15th of
October once it's finished

running, so it will finish at
the end of October 2022. I am

going to then make it available
for you to buy as a course where

to start and work on whenever
you wish. So if it's after the

end of October, when you listen
to this and you're curious about

it, have a look on my website,
and you'll see very

straightforward you just sign up
and as you now know I've worked

out how to do all the email so
you get them in the right flow.

All right, my love's take care I
send you a hug and away