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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 3:For anyone who listens to the podcast, you know we are not a fan of the dentist. I think it's a common thing for trauma survivors, partly because it's activating with everybody all up in our space. Partly because it hurts or is uncomfortable. And partly because a lot of us grew up having to have a lot of work done on our teeth because of injuries, lack of proper nutrition, and other things related to trauma and deprivation. So I know I'm not alone.
Speaker 3:For me, that's complicated by Sjogren's, which is an autoimmune disorder I have, likely in response to complex trauma. Lots of us with complex trauma and deprivation also have autoimmune issues, because trauma and deprivation are really hard on our bodies. For me, having Sjogren's means I have a lot of problems with my eyes and my teeth, which makes going to the dentist less fun. Lots of people can go annually or twice a year. I have to go quarterly, sometimes more often.
Speaker 3:And almost all my teeth are already capped. They've told me for a long time I might not be able to keep my teeth because of Sjogren's. And there are lots of things we try, from the dots in my mouth to the new spray that's amazing and so helpful. I use a special toothpaste in the morning and a prescription toothpaste at night. I floss and I do all the things.
Speaker 3:But it doesn't matter if you do all the things, if your mouth is too dry because of Sjogren's. It's a classic example of deprivation, where no matter if you're doing everything right or not, which of course none of us can because we're human, deprivation still means good is missing, and there's a hole to be filled. And that metaphor in this case became literal. When a tooth broke under a crown because of Sjogren's, complicated by having had chemo in the past, making my teeth really weak and not happy. I shared once on a dentist day on the share cast about how they said it was time for my first tooth to be pulled, but we were going to wait until March.
Speaker 3:I think my appointment was back in October, maybe September. But I had used my benefits card for the year. So I was able to pay for the dentist, and they had identified my first tooth that I would lose because of Sjogren's. But they said as long as it didn't hurt me, I could wait until March and then have it pulled, when my benefits renewed and would pay for it. My tooth didn't make it until March.
Speaker 3:It was literally fine until one day it wasn't. And I woke up in pain with shattered pieces of tooth and spent a week. It was Thanksgiving week, actually, while the children were there, while we're supposed to be eating yummy food. And my mouth was in severe, severe pain. And I got referred to the oral surgeon to have that tooth pulled.
Speaker 3:It became, as therapists say, excellent opportunity for growth. Also, the struggle was real. But I tried in the context of recovery, applying step one to my experience of my tooth, and how powerless I felt. As good practice for giving myself a framework and something to hold on to, rather than only spinning out in the trauma and the deprivation and the powerlessness of it all. It gave me a way to empower myself, which actually really mattered the way things unfolded at The Oral Surgeon.
Speaker 3:Here's the audio from that when I share that story.
Speaker 1:My step one today is that I did go to the dental surgeon and have a tooth pulled as a side effect from Sjogren's and chemo back in the day. I'm not on chemo right now, but that with Sjogren's has caused a lot of problems with my eyes and my teeth. And so I had lots of feeling powerless today that my But my Sjogren's is an autoimmune disease that is in response to trauma. And so that is frustrating because I am powerless against that. And it makes my life unmanageable sometimes like today, literally losing my first tooth.
Speaker 1:I mean, like, as an adult, because, basically, they're like, you will eventually lose your eyesight and also eventually lose all your teeth. So it's like, I don't have that much left or trauma to take for me. Except also that's not true, because I still have privilege compared to places I've been in the world, people who are struggling, all kinds of things. But also chemo was because of ovarian cancer. That was also in my cervix and started because of scar tissue actually, which was also because of abuse.
Speaker 1:And so it's just been a day where, in particular, I did not feel well. I did not feel friends with memory time. I did not want to be present with memories or think of cool ways to stay present and also deal with things. Today was a day I was just grieving the impact of all of it. I was sad and angry and hurting and just recognizing how all of that happened.
Speaker 1:About ten years ago, I went to just my annual exam and something was off with my lab work. So they sent me to the gynecologist who sent me across the street to the hospital for a transvaginal ultrasound, because something was showing up weird in my regular ultrasound and my blood work. And that is how they found my cancer and literally sent me straight to the OR from there and admitted me to the hospital. And I basically woke up two weeks later with a full hysterectomy. Hadn't really been talked to about any of that or the implications of it.
Speaker 1:And there was more than just a hysterectomy that they had to do. But saving the details and the time, I had a lot of memories about that today at the surgeon. Because when they started my dental surgery this morning, the doctor was there putting the IV in my arm, which I thought was weird because hospital, usually that's a nurse, right? But the doctor was doing it, which is fine. But while the doctor was doing that, other people, I don't know, what are they, hygienists?
Speaker 1:What are they, nurses? I don't know because nobody told me. Also, I'm deaf, right? So to lean back in the dental chair, I have to take my implants off. So right now, have my implants on, or the processors, the outside parts are actually called the processor.
Speaker 1:I have one on each side. And because I have them, I can hear you. Your videos play literally in my brain. It just bypasses my ears altogether and plays in my brain. It's amazing technology.
Speaker 1:I'm so grateful. I have the captions. I have the transcript. But I don't have any of that at the dentist. I have to lay back.
Speaker 1:They take my ears off, right? So they're supposed to tell me everything before I lean back, because I literally cannot hear in the moment. So he told me about the IV, and I knew I was getting the IV to go to sleep for my dental surgery. But also, right at the same time as he was starting that, the nurses or hygienists, I'm not trying to be disrespectful on titles. They have to leave their hat at the door, because they didn't tell me what their titles were before they took my ears off.
Speaker 1:This whole team of people came in and started working on me. Someone put oxygen on my face, which I didn't know I was gonna have. That's fine. I know what it is because my daughter has it all the time. But no one told me I was going to have that.
Speaker 1:So I was like, woah, you're on my face. That was a little activating for me because complex trauma and memories. But then they also had to put on EKGs on me, I guess, because I was going to be asleep for the surgery, which makes sense, but no one told me that. And they first put a thing on my finger, which I know is the pulse ox because of my daughter and her airway issues. And so I knew what that was, but they didn't tell me.
Speaker 1:But the worst part was like, they just lifted up my shirt and started putting stickers on for my EKG. I or I don't even know if it's EKG or e I think, whatever it was, for my heart monitor thing. I understand that that may be connected because I'm being asleep for a surgery, But they didn't tell me that. And so it was super activating to me today. And I could not I don't think anyone touched me inappropriately.
Speaker 1:I don't mean that. What was inappropriate was the lack of consent. And I couldn't hear, but also no one was talking to me anyway. And I also couldn't even like, normally in a situation like that, I would really advocate for myself or say something or, like, I don't care if I had to shout a no. Like, I feel like I have good boundaries, And I could say something, but the IV was already started.
Speaker 1:So, like, my vision of me going to sleep was people lifting up my shirt. And it was really, really activating for me. And I can take that to therapy. But I was like, I was so powerless, and that was not even memory time. Like, it was right now, but also the memories came with that.
Speaker 1:Right? Like, it doesn't separate for me. And when I woke up, I wasn't even there. So, like, now I can go back and I can fill out the form, the feedback form they want me to do. I can put it there.
Speaker 1:I can call them. I will call and speak to someone. I can do all the things. But, like, I woke up at my house because my girlfriend drove me home. And so, like, by the time I was even conscious to be able to say anything, wasn't even there anymore.
Speaker 1:And so how disorienting is that when you have dissociation anyway? But I think at any other time in my life, that would've I mean, it's absolutely not okay. Period. Right? I get that.
Speaker 1:But also or and also, I'm working on saying and also instead of but also because but also can be dismissive even of myself. So and also. I just want to say it out loud to someone, and this seems like the place to say it, because I was so powerless. And what they were doing, like, it was unmanageable, the situation. And also, now I will manage it tomorrow.
Speaker 1:But in those moments, I could have literally gone under for surgery in full flight or fright. Fright. Flight or fight. Because of the fright, right? Because of the like what just happened?
Speaker 1:Except because I have these tools and because I have this group and because I've read the materials as much as I have so far, like, know I'm new, I was able to frame it so fast even while I was literally falling asleep to go under of like, okay. I am powerless. Like, I was recognizing that I was falling asleep and that I could not stay awake. I was like, I'm literally powerless. This is unmanageable.
Speaker 1:I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. Right? Like all the things, being able to say that to myself really fast, right as I went under, it was like, even in that super vulnerable moment, which I know is not even anything as bad as compared to things I've been through in the past and yet also is not okay.
Speaker 1:And being able to frame it in a way to keep myself safe while I was in a surgery I was going to sleep through helped me wake up in power, knowing how to respond to it and how to care for myself and stay calm the rest of the day while I'm still not well enough to deal with it yet, When otherwise, I would've just been in crisis or, like, safety even. Like, I would've it was just another moment where your grace and courage in sharing and the resources and tools from the book and the program, like, just really saved my life. And when I was literally powerless with anything, was a way that I could make my life more manageable in, like, less than a split second. And I just wanted to thank you and share that. So that's all.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing.