Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
The cost & courage of caring - stories that spark resilience.
Welcome back to the Caregivers
Podcast.
I'm your host, Dr.
Mark Ropaleski, and you can call
me Dr.
Mark.
On this show, we often talk about
the person who steps in as a
caregiver.
A family member gets the call
after the fall.
A spouse sits beside the hospital
bed.
An adult child hears the discharge
instructions, asks the questions,
remembers the medications,
and helps carry someone through
that big moment when they can no
longer manage alone.
But what happens when you're the
one who needs care and there's no
one whose role it is to step in?
Our guest today is Dr.
Sarah Zef-Geber.
Sarah is one of the leading voices
on solo aging,
a term she helped bring into wider
use to describe people aging
without reliable family support
when care is needed.
That can include people without
children, people without partners,
people who are widowed, estranged,
geographically isolated, or people
whose support network may care
about them but may not be able to
actually manage a crisis.
This conversation is not just
about living alone.
It's not just about loneliness.
It's about the moment independence
is no longer enough.
It's about what care actually
requires when there's no one
already in that role,
and it's about the plan that has
to exist before an emergency
arrives.
Sarah, welcome to the Caregiver's
Podcast.
Before we begin, please take a
moment to subscribe and follow the
Caregiver's Podcast wherever
you're listening or watching.
It's completely free, and it's one
of the best ways to support the
show and help these conversations
reach more caregivers and families
who need them.
Dr.
Sarah Zef-Geber, welcome to the
Caregiver's Podcast.
We're so happy you're here with us
today.
Thank you for having me.
I'm happy to be here.
Well, in the tradition of the
podcast, we're going to jump right
in, and Sarah, tell us, for
listeners who may not know the
term,
what is a solo ager, and can you
help us understand the different
ways someone can end up aging
without a reliable person to step
in when care is needed?
Sure.
It probably helps for me to tell
you how I came upon that term in
the first place,
because to my knowledge, I am the
first one to start using it, and I
started using it about 10 or 12
years ago.
And at the time, I had noticed
that so many of my contemporaries,
who we were all then in our late
50s, early 60s,
were starting to spend a great
deal of time taking care of their
aging parents.
And that wasn't a factor in my
life, because I had lost my own
parents when I was in my 30s, so
that was kind of behind me.
And yet, here were people in their
50s and 60s who were taking care
of their 80- and 90-something
parents.
And I was out with a friend of
mine one evening, and she and I
both do not have children.
And I remarked on how much time
she'd been spending doing that,
and I said to her,
Sandy, who's going to do that for
us?
And of course, we had no answer to
that.
And that is really what led me on
the quest to figure out what, as
solo agers, we could do.
Now, at the time, I was defining a
solo ager as anyone, married or
single, who did not have children.
Because children are the obvious
caregivers for their parents as
the parents get older.
So, I started using it in that
context, and so many people pushed
back and said,
You know, I do have kids, but I
still consider myself a solo ager
because my parents live
X thousand miles away, or I
haven't seen my daughter for 12
years.
All kinds of situations that
people brought to me, saying, I'd
like you to consider me a solo
ager.
So, I thought, you know, I need a
new definition.
So, I changed the definition.
And now, and for the past five or
six years, my definition has been
anyone aging or preparing
for older life who knows they will
not have the support of family.
Many people may assume that solo
aging is mainly about living alone
or even feeling lonely,
but what do they misunderstand
about what solo aging actually
means?
Well, solo aging certainly doesn't
mean that anyone is lonely
or that they have necessarily
isolated themselves or that
they're unhappy.
And some of the myths that we hear
about solo agers are,
well, they're really
psychologically not quite right,
or they're lonely, or that life
leads you to become selfish.
So, solo agers come in all
different genders, sizes, sexual
preferences,
it just runs the gamut.
And again, my original
description, and the one that I
still do strongly urge people to
consider
if they are in the situation where
they do not have adult children,
is that they are putting
themselves at risk not knowing who
is going to kind of quarterback
their care
if and when they need care.
So, that's the real distinction.
So, just so listeners are clear,
and I think it's a really
important distinction,
you can solo age with a great
quality of life and be very active
and very engaged
and very holistically involved
with the world around you.
Absolutely.
And I think one of the things that
people don't understand
or just had no reason to look into
at any point in their lives
is the fact that almost 20% of
baby boomer women did not have
children.
So, that's a huge number of solo
agers right there.
And that's almost double the rate
of solo aging in all previous
generations.
So, you're starting out with a
preponderance of solo agers among
baby boomers.
And then if you take a look at
the, what I call the family
diaspora in this country,
you know, kids grow up, they move
away, they go to college,
or they move away for some other
kind of job.
And as often as not, they don't
come back.
So, they're now living several
thousand miles away, often, from
their parents.
And I have a neighbor around the
corner from me who,
she and her husband have two
children.
Sorry, no, she and her husband
have one child.
And he had the nerve to marry a
Danish woman.
And so, where do you think they're
raising their kids?
They're in Denmark.
They're in Copenhagen.
And my friends at this point are
perfectly healthy and able to go
visit them several times a year.
But that won't always be the case.
So, it's a very typical example of
people who have a long-distance
relationship with their adult
children.
Well, gone are the days when many
people didn't travel past 100
miles from their birthplace,
right?
That's just not our world anymore.
Yeah.
Is there a moment, Sarah, when a
solo caregiver...
Is there a moment when a solo ager
realizes, not just fears, but
really understands when care is
needed
and that there may be no one
waiting in the wings?
Well, you know, the solo agers who
get it the easiest
are those who were responsible for
care for their own parents.
And they've seen the trajectory
that aging often takes.
And if you aren't taken out of the
game by heart failure or cancer or
one of the top killers,
if you aren't taken out in your
50s or 60s or maybe even 70s,
then you're probably going to live
a life that includes a point in
life where you're going to need
help.
There's no disputing the fact that
as we get older, we get a little
more frail.
We often end up needing other
people to help us.
So, it's moving in that direction.
And again, for people who have
seen their parents go through that
trajectory,
they get it.
They understand that they're going
to have to set up something for
themselves
if they plan to live that long.
And of course, I say plan in jest
because we don't know.
And we all know people who have
lived very, very healthy lives up
into their mid-90s living alone
with no help.
But what people often fail to
realize is that that's the
exception, not the rule.
And it's an extreme exception in
most cases.
So, again, it's understanding that
there will come a point in your
life when you'll probably need
some help.
And taking the time and the care
to arrange for that ahead of time
is what I strongly advise solo
agers to do.
It's interesting how having been a
caregiver sort of puts you in a
learned state of mind
that you kind of might be better
prepared than you think, even if
you are a solo ager.
Yes.
But without that experience, it
could come as a shock.
Is there a particular kind of
grief that comes with realizing as
a solo ager that no one's coming?
Like, not loneliness, but just the
knowledge that if you become sick,
injured, or frail, or can't speak
for yourself,
there's no built-in caregiver
whose role is to step in.
I suppose it could.
I've never thought of it in terms
of grief.
There's a realization and
potentially some fear that sets
in, possibly some grief over, you
know,
you may be grieving over your
lonely, not lonely, your more
independent self.
Grieving over your potential loss
of independence.
Yeah, I think most people really
strive to remain as independent as
they possibly can.
And that doesn't usually involve,
or the image of that doesn't
usually involve somebody taking
care of them
in what ends up occasionally being
a more intimate way.
I think there might be some grief
also in mourning the absence of
communal warmth or family warmth
that comes as elders transition to
a more frail state,
but still have a quality of life
that's in an adaptation with the
help of others.
It feels like you're talking about
grieving over something that you
may never have had.
Or may never have, yeah.
I mean, most, and I shouldn't say
most, many, many solo agers have
led very independent solo lives
very happily for often decades.
And the thing that I encourage
people to do the strongest,
and gosh knows, it gets pushed
back.
But I encourage people to build
and maintain a community that
often involves living communally.
And I don't mean like an old 60s
commune where you throw everything
you own into a pot
and it's kind of a free-for-all.
But finding ways to live close to
people that you care about, that
you like, that are your friends,
and whether that means moving into
a co-housing community
or maybe giving up your
single-family home
where you don't know your
neighbors very well or at least
very intimately.
choosing a life in like an active
adult community
where you're, you are in a
one-level home or often a condo
and you're close to your neighbors
and there's organized,
there are organized activities.
These are, these are the kinds of
things that can build community
for solo agers when they don't
naturally have one in their middle
years.
It still provides an opportunity
to give
and maybe a redefinition of what
is meaningful to the individual
as they embark on that new
journey.
But it sounds from what you
described,
there'd be plenty of opportunities
that can sustain meaning,
contributions, activities,
looking after new friends as
things arise.
Many of our listeners have spent
years caring for someone else.
There's no question about that.
And I really like to know what
happens psychologically
when someone realizes they've been
the person others could rely on
and then there may be no one who
can care for them in the same way.
That's not one that's kind of
within my purview to answer
because I have never been a
caregiver myself.
yet because of what I do, what I
talk about in the milieu that I
surround myself with,
I understand that I will very
likely need care at some point.
So, I'm not a good one to answer
that question.
No.
And from your entourage of
experiences and people you've
worked with,
do you get a sense that there's a
spectrum of how people process
that reality
and some get quite introverted and
almost down and depressed,
whereas others sort of can
continue embracing and just
reinventing themselves
as they age solo?
Yes, a number of the solo agers
that I encounter have been
caregivers.
Occasionally, I run into someone
who still is.
But mostly, I talk with people who
are in their 70s and 80s,
sometimes their 60s,
and their caregiving days are
usually behind them.
So, they've gotten religion
because they had to do it
and they realize they're getting
older.
So, that's my touch point on that.
Okay.
So, when a solo ager has no
reliable caregiver,
what are the first parts of life
and care that start to become
unsafe?
What do they need to be on the
lookout for?
Well, before that ever happens,
I recommend that they make sure
that they have a very robust
medical directive,
advanced directive for health
care,
so that they have chosen someone
in their life to speak for them if
they cannot.
Same is true for their financial
situation.
You know, to have gone to a
financial advisor or someone who
can help them understand
how much money they have, how much
money they may need,
and where it's going to go,
and whether their spending pattern
makes sense for the money that
they have.
Because I think the last thing any
of us want, solo ager or not,
is to run out of money.
I have, I can't tell you how many
times I've been told by people who
are not solo agers,
I don't want to be a burden to my
children.
And my only response to them was,
okay, so don't be, start planning.
Because if you just sit there with
the conviction that you're not
going to be a burden
and don't do anything about it,
you're the highest form of
hypocrite.
So, having a financial plan,
having a care plan set up for
yourself is very important.
Now, I think the best way to kind
of surround yourself with people
who might fulfill those roles for
you
is to live closer to people.
Also, I've known a number of
people who have made these kind of
agreements with close friends
that they're going to be each
other's person.
And yet, they are approximately
the same age.
It is tricky, isn't it?
And that doesn't make a lot of
sense.
Well, it's going to make sense for
one of them.
But the other one is going to be
out on a limb without a support
system.
So, when you're looking around for
the people that you want to choose
as your decision makers,
your proxies, we call them, look
to the younger people you know.
It might be a younger niece or
nephew or a younger sibling.
Nieces and nephews are usually
younger.
It might be the son or daughter of
a friend.
It's someone that you have
hopefully known for a while and
that you consider a responsible
person,
able to make those kinds of
decisions for you if you're unable
to speak for yourself,
and that you then talk to them.
Tell them what you would like in
your life if you can't manage on
your own.
Is there a particular place you'd
like to be?
I encourage people.
I get such a response, such an
unfortunately negative response to
this.
But I encourage people to look
around their area.
Understand where the skilled
nursing facilities are.
Understand where the assisted
living communities are in your
neighborhood or your greater
metropolitan area.
So that if and when the time comes
that you need care, you can say,
you know, I've been to this
particular community a couple of
times.
I like them.
Call this person.
Let them know that I'm ready to
come in.
Hopefully they have space for me.
So doing all that ahead of time is
a pretty important thing.
Now, for those solo agers who are
able to afford it, I encourage
looking into traditional senior
living,
which means a life plan community
or a month-to-month rental
community where you can live
independently.
Or if you need more help, you can
move into the assisted living
portion of that or pay an
additional amount for assisted
living.
A lot of people think that they're
just going to stay home and age in
place.
That is very difficult for solo
agers.
Very, very difficult.
Now, if they're quite wealthy,
they can hire all the help that
they need.
But that's a very lonely
existence.
When the only people you see are
the ones that come in to help you
change clothes or get up in the
morning.
I think that, to me, that paints a
very sad picture.
And a number of studies recently
have shown that moving into an
assisted living community is
actually cheaper than bringing
help with significant numbers of
hours into your home.
So, consider those factors and,
you know, check those out.
You can easily find those
statistics online.
So, you know, consider that kind
of what's called congregate
living, where you live close to
other people, yet you have your
own independent space.
Lots of important conversations
need to be had on oneself when
living and aging solo, but they
still need, there's no way of
avoiding them.
Mm-hmm.
It's interesting, you mentioned
earlier that you often get
negative feedback from what you
were about to say.
What's the negative feedback that
specifically you were referring
to?
I'm not sure what you mean.
Well, you mentioned you often get
feedback about some things that
you say that maybe people aren't
ready to hear.
And it just sort of struck me as
you mentioned it.
Maybe it was about certain types
of conversations or looking at
alternatives, but it just struck
me for a moment.
You'll have to tell me what struck
you.
Yeah, no, well, we kept talking
and then I'm having a bit of
trouble placing it.
I wanted to sort of follow up a
little bit here about this,
because one of the most
frightening scenarios to me is
cognitive decline in a solo age,
or the idea of slowly slipping
away from yourself when no one
around you is there to notice.
I mean, who sees the early signs
when there is no spouse, adult,
child, or close family member
watching the pattern over time?
I don't know.
Who does?
What kind of situation have you
put yourself in?
If you've moved into a congregate
living kind of situation, then you
have a much better chance of
somebody catching that early.
But that, you know, that's a scary
thing for all of us, whether you
have adult children or not.
It's scary for all of us, and
there's not much that we can do
other than pay attention to some
of the guidance for keeping
ourselves as healthy as possible,
keeping our brains as healthy as
possible.
So there's no particularly
different answer on that for solo
agers.
Again, being social, building a
community around you is, in my
opinion, the single most important
thing that solo agers can do.
I agree.
To ensure for themselves a rich
later life.
Well, I think it creates sort of
little nodes of opportunity for
someone else to observe you and
maybe strike up a conversation or
maybe express a genuine concern to
someone else in the community or
in the position of leadership.
But something that just sort of
says, hmm, maybe we should check
in on them or maybe we should have
a conversation with them.
Yeah, and then what?
Well, walk us into the hospital
room now.
A solo ager has fallen, has had a
stroke, has received life-changing
diagnoses, and someone asks, well,
who should we call?
What happens when there's actually
nobody to call?
Well, I'll tell you what happens.
And it's not pretty.
What happens is you are, the
medical community came up with a
term for people like that.
Before I came along and studied
this and wrote about it, they came
up with the term elder orphan.
And when I heard that term, I was
absolutely horrified.
It just sounded like the most
negative way to describe someone
without family.
And yet, it does happen.
And it's going to happen more and
more if people don't do some
planning around that.
But back to your question, what
happens?
Well, you become a ward of the
court.
And the court assigns you a
conservator and or a guardian.
And all the decisions about your
future are left to that person who
never met you before, who doesn't
know your life story, who doesn't
know anything about you.
And believe me, I tell that to
people, hoping they will open
their ears and open their minds to
what it means to build community
so that that never happens to
them.
Because that is what happens.
What percentage of solo agers do
you think just stay away from
having those important
conversations with themselves and
others to sort of prepare?
Is it 10 percent, 20, 50?
Well, statistics show that that's
a fuzzy one because you're asking
how many have the conversations.
Or how many seem prepared or
unprepared or how many sort of
stand out and sort of say, I'm not
going there.
I'm just going with the flow.
Well, AARP did a study on that a
couple of years ago and found that
close to 50 percent just, you
know, hadn't been there at all in
their own minds as well as
conversations.
That's a striking number.
It's a striking number.
Yeah, it's a striking number.
How much does our health care
system actually depend on an
unpaid family caregiver in the
background?
And what are the implications to
solo agers when that person just
doesn't exist?
Yeah, that's a really good
question.
And, of course, our health care
system falls far short of being
able, excuse me, being able to
help people when they get older.
We are, in my opinion, it's
shameful disregard of older adults
in this country.
And so we don't have the safety
net.
We don't have the social systems
that some of our neighbors over in
Northern Europe have.
So we have to, and that's, you
can, I don't know the exact
numbers, but you have only to go
to the AARP statistics
to look at how many millions of
dollars are spent by family
caregivers every year.
And that's why it's so scary when
you don't have a family caregiver
and are going to need to rely on
others somewhere.
I think the indirect costs for
caregivers in terms of their own
lost wages in lack of productivity
are pushing $400,000 per person.
And I think the average owner
spends about $7,500 U.S.
dollars per caregiver.
Yeah.
Do you think this is a problem of
evolution of a society that's just
become so individualistic?
Or do you think this is merely
just the system that's putting
profits over people?
Well, it's somewhat of a
politically charged question,
isn't it?
It is.
Yeah, I think it's a function of a
couple of things.
I think it's partially a function
of how our society has shifted and
changed.
Again, I came up with the term
family diaspora to describe what I
see around me,
especially people who are in more
expensive areas.
Their kids grow up, go away, can't
afford to buy a home where they
live,
so they're going to move
elsewhere, maybe several thousand
miles away.
There's opportunity elsewhere.
Some towns can't support a growing
group of people coming of age and
needing to work.
So it's just huge numbers of
people moving away from where they
grew up
and moving away from their own
parents.
It's partly that.
It's partly a function of the
horrendous divide in our country
between the haves and the
have-nots.
And the have-nots, as always, are
left in the lurch
without anything to rely on other
than family caregivers.
If you're wealthy enough, you can
bring in aides and people to help
to do that.
You can help your elder relative
move into a lovely retirement
community
where they'll get the help they
need.
But that's not universally true
because it's not universally
available to people just
financially.
So, yeah, there are some—I don't
like to, you know, be the chicken
little running around saying,
the sky is falling, the sky is
falling.
But in many ways, for solo agers,
it is.
We really have to make plans.
There's a company that I became
aware of and I'm a big supporter
of quite recently.
They just opened their doors in
January called the Child Free
Trust.
And it is a solution for people
who do not have children.
That doesn't include all solo
agers, but people who actually do
not have children
to build an estate plan that
doesn't involve an adult child
or somebody coming in to rescue
them.
It's all done by these
professional fiduciaries.
So, you know, it's a great
solution.
It's not horrendously expensive,
but it's certainly available to
the middle class at $1,000 a year.
So it's worth checking into for
people who do not have children,
for sure.
The states of California and
Arizona have chosen to license
professional fiduciaries.
These are independent individuals
who can take over that function.
In the rest of the 48 states, I
don't know.
They don't have that option.
Key word being fiduciary.
And I think our listeners need to
really understand that word.
That's someone working for you who
has your best interests in mind,
who's not trying to sell you a
product,
who's not working for a bigger
company that's trying to make
profit
by churning investments and things
like that.
So that's a really important word
that's, I think,
popping up on the grid a lot more
these days, fiduciary
responsibility.
Yes.
And the term was born in the
financial sector.
It classically means having, when
you hire a fiduciary,
they have to, they are bound by
law to work in your best interest.
Not theirs or anyone else's.
However, the noun, fiduciary, is a
person, at least in these two
states,
is a person who can handle your
affairs.
And a number of fiduciaries,
especially in California,
because that's where I live and
that's what I know,
have opened their doors to the,
being the healthcare proxy as
well.
I know my husband and I, we don't
have children,
we don't have any relatives that
live anywhere nearby,
and we will have a professional
fiduciary manage our affairs.
Obviously, we're going to be the
primary person in each other's
lives,
but one of us will go first and we
don't know who.
So when that happens, a
professional fiduciary will step
in
and manage the affairs of the
spouse left behind when that's
necessary.
So what I'm hearing is that the
process is achievable and doable,
and there are blueprints.
We just need to engage as solo
agers in the process
and be willing to be open to it.
Many solo agers have people who
care about them.
There's no question.
That's not the same as having
someone who loves them,
knows their needs, and understands
their wishes,
and has agreed to step in when
things get hard.
So what is that gap between casual
support and committed care?
That's a good question.
It's a matter of, sometimes it
comes down to having a
conversation.
If you have someone who cares
about you,
and ideally they're a good bit
younger than you are,
and you'd like that person to be
your proxy,
then you need to have a
conversation.
And build a relationship, yeah.
Yeah, it's amazing to me how many
people I talk to who say,
oh, yes, I have an estate plan.
I've named my nephew as my proxy
for health care,
and my niece is going to be my
proxy for my finances.
And my next question to them is,
so you've had that conversation
with them?
Oh, no, I haven't talked to them
about it.
I just put their names down on the
line.
And can you imagine getting a
phone call at 2 a.m.
from some hospital saying,
you are the power of attorney for
Jane Smith,
who just took a bad fall and is
unconscious?
That's not something you want to
spring on anyone,
especially somebody you like.
And it certainly leaves them
unprepared
and probably shoots anxiety
through the roof
in terms of having to make a
critical decision
about someone they may not be as
close as they need to be
or should be when it comes to
making those calls.
So for a solo ager,
I mean, the frightening question
is not just
who makes or who will make medical
decisions for me,
but it's also what happens if that
person I chose
can't do it anymore
and there's no one else to call.
What does a real backup plan look
like?
There is no backup plan
other than a court-appointed
guardian.
So I guess if you do have someone,
though,
who you've designated,
but you're witnessing them become
more frail
or maybe seeing cognitive decline
in them
or their health is slipping,
you actually need to sort of work
on kindling a new relationship
with someone to maybe even take
over for that person.
It's not a static one-time event,
but it's actually a real process
that you need to navigate and
steer.
Yes, it's an ongoing thing because
that's why I suggest that people
redo their estate plans
every eight to ten years because
the landscape changes.
People change.
People move.
People's health situation changes.
And that all needs to be taken
into account.
If you sit down with an attorney
to develop an estate plan,
he or she will have you name at
least two,
if not three backups to your
proxies.
And what you just answered my next
question is that sounds to me like
you need a chain of people
or a chain of options who've
clearly agreed that if the person
ahead of them can't step up,
then they would be next in line.
So I think that's hugely
important.
Yeah, absolutely.
A lot easier to do when you've got
a community and a network of
individuals you've invested in
so you can actually come up with
those three or four names, let
alone one.
Yes, it's easier then and it's
easier to do when you are feeling
good.
It's easier to do when you say,
Oh, I'll put that off for another
year or two.
I've got time.
You don't know whether you have
time.
So, you know, if you're over 50,
do it now.
You'll change it.
Things will change.
But what if they don't?
You know, what if you don't have
that time?
These are really important
questions, which I think people
avoid, but we need to embrace.
Living independently as a solo
ager works really well until it
stops working well.
When a crisis happens, what are
the caregiving roles that suddenly
have to be covered?
And how can a solo ager prepare
for those roles before they need
them?
Well, it's just really in the way
we've been talking about.
There's nothing more that you can
really do.
You know, you can make it easy on
the people that come behind you by
making sure you don't leave
two tons of stuff you've collected
over the years for somebody to
sort out.
Because that person you like a
lot, that lovely niece that you
have grown to adore over the
years,
she's going to be burdened with
that.
Is that what you want to do?
Probably not.
So, you know, again, get busy
while you're still feeling healthy
and strong and be prepared for
your later life.
It sounds like it's just planning.
It's not like, you know, doomsday,
a doomsday narrative.
It's just part of the next.
We plan all our life.
And the planning doesn't stop at
65 or whenever you engage in that
process.
So I think that...
Sometimes it just starts then.
Yeah, well, that's true too.
And I mean, that's a really
important thing.
It's always a challenge if you
haven't been a good planner
earlier on to suddenly take on
this task without any practice.
But it's certainly one that still
has a loud voice that calls.
For a solo ager listening today
who feels totally overwhelmed by
our conversation,
what's the first step and what's
like the one thing they shouldn't
put off but that can at least get
things going?
I think the best place to start is
to kind of take stock of where you
are.
I wrote a book for solo agers,
came out in 2018.
It's still very, very relevant
today.
And in that book are a lot of
worksheets and self-assessments.
Those are the kinds of things that
will help you get started,
that will help you start to think
about some of these topics in the
context of your own life.
So I would encourage that.
Mm-hmm.
Not that you have to write it out
and buy my book, but some kind of
planning.
There's a lot of other things, by
the way, out there on solo aging
now.
I've had a number of people kind
of jump on the bandwagon and
become colleagues of mine.
There's a wonderful website called
Navigating Solo that a friend of
mine in the Boston area started.
And there are a lot of resources
on that website for solo agers.
So, you know, keep the internal
dialogue going.
Keep thinking about it and begin
to do a few small things.
Journal about it.
That's a great idea.
Absolutely.
Talk about journaling in so many
other stages of life,
but maybe that is like a real time
where you've got some quiet
and some of the background noise
is gone,
but you actually have a chance to
sit with pen and paper.
Yeah, good point.
Good point.
Write some stuff to yourself.
You know, a lot of the strongest
solutions like care managers,
professional fiduciaries you
referred to,
patient advocates, senior living
communities do require financial
resources.
Like, what's the roadmap for
someone who's aging alone and
maybe financially struggling?
Yeah, you know, there aren't,
again,
there aren't a lot of safety nets
in the U.S., unfortunately.
We are very unfortunately seeing
an increasing number of people on
the streets who are over 65.
So, that's the sad side of it.
But if you have a stable place to
live,
number one, find out if there's a
PACE program, P-A-C-E.
How about that?
And I never can remember exactly
what that stands for.
But it's a program for older
adults where they,
it's kind of like an adult day
program.
But they have transportation.
They will pick you up.
They will bring you to their
center wherever their activities
take place.
You will be there all day,
have your meals there,
and then will be taken home.
So, it's almost like being in a
retirement community,
but you don't sleep there.
They are sometimes connected to
low-income housing.
So, I would very much suggest
looking into that.
Another thing I would suggest is
to get on the list in your
community for government-assisted
housing for older adults.
It pretty much exists everywhere.
Check with your county department
on aging
and see what resources are
available in your community.
Because unless you live in a very,
very small rural community,
I know there are some services.
There are, because the Older
Americans Act is still in force,
and they supplement the funds for
senior centers,
for departments of aging.
There are resources out there,
but it really depends on you
to understand where your resources
are
and make use of them.
But again, the first question to
ask
when you contact the county
department on aging
or a senior center is,
is there a PACE program in my
area?
And am I eligible?
You have to be what they call dual
eligible.
You have to be Medicare eligible
and Medicaid eligible for a PACE
program.
Yeah, there's a theme here that's
really important,
and I think it probably knows no
boundaries.
I think up here in Canada,
there are versions of that.
I think in Europe and Australia
and elsewhere,
we have listeners.
find a means to build some
community and connection
outside of your home so that it
can prepare you
and also keep you feeling a little
better
with a sense of community and
connection
to start engaging in that process.
I think it would probably be very
empowering.
The one thing I've noticed about
solo agers,
especially those who have been
solo for a long time,
so I'm not really talking now to
the recent widows and widowers
or recent divorcees,
but more to the people who have
been single
for whatever reason.
Maybe they lost a spouse decades
ago
or they've been divorced for many,
many years
or they never married
and who never, also never had
children.
And most of those people that I
encounter,
many of them friends of mine,
have made fabulously rich lives
for themselves.
You go into any non-profit in your
community
and I almost guarantee you will
find
among the older volunteers
a preponderance of people who are
solo agers
because they don't have family
to kind of devote their time and
energy and heart to.
So they support the causes that
they favor.
It might be working in a food
distribution center
or a soup kitchen
or it may be working with
abandoned animals.
It could be just about anything.
It could be working for a
political cause you believe in.
But you'll find a lot of solo
agers there
because that's how people without
family
bring meaning and purpose to their
lives.
You hit the nail right on the head
and we're hearing more and more
now
about the crisis of meaning in our
society.
And what a wonderful opportunity
to gain strength as a solo ager in
that context.
Do you think solo aging exposes
something
we just don't like to admit that
independence only works
until life requires someone else
to step in?
Hmm.
That's an interesting way of
putting that.
Life only works.
Well, yes.
I guess you could look at it that
way.
There's so many different lenses
through which you can look at this
life.
You know, I have to say,
I think solo aging is probably a
little easier
for those who are kind of
naturally gregarious.
Those of us who are extroverts,
who have put ourselves out there
and gather around us a group of
people
that we love and trust throughout
our lives,
even if that group has morphed and
changed over the years.
Mine certainly has.
But if you have made it through
this lifetime
as more of a loner,
then I think it's a heavier lift
to set these things up for
yourself.
It just is.
One question that comes to mind
when I was thinking about our
upcoming discussion today
is do you think that solo aging
will actually be different as an
experience
between the baby boomers,
Gen Xers, and millennials?
Well, for one thing,
I think we're blazing some
territory here
that's going to be well-trod in
successive years
because the birthright now is,
in Canada, in Western Europe,
it's well below replacement level.
anyway, let's just keep the
conversation at that
and not go into the issue of
immigration.
But, well, I kind of have to in a
way.
At any rate, yes,
I think we are,
the programs that we can set up
today,
the life plan guidance that we can
set up today
is going to be extremely helpful
for people behind us
because, as we know,
medical science
is keeping people alive a lot
longer.
You know,
there's a lot being written about
longevity,
longevity, longevity.
Well,
longevity is,
is good
as long as you're also healthy and
happy
and enjoying life.
A lot of longevity comes with
complexity.
Yeah,
it sure does
because all those conditions
that used to end our lives,
now medical science
has made it possible
for us to continue living with
those conditions.
And I'm, you know,
talking about heart disease
and cancer
and things like Parkinson's
disease.
Millions of people are living with
them,
which, of course,
means that
there are billions of caregivers
spending millions of hours
taking care of them.
So,
you know,
to a great extent,
the best thing solo agers can do
is take as good a care of
themselves
as they possibly can,
which means all the things
that we all get tired of reading
about
and hearing,
getting exercise,
eating right,
taking,
making sure that we are leading
as healthy a life as possible
so that we will need less care
as we get older.
overcoming and avoiding frailty
and maintaining meaning
and human connection
probably will be the best
common denominator,
I think,
and I think the studies are out
there
to prove it
and they've been consistent.
Yeah,
I think so too.
I think that's exactly right,
Mark.
Well,
Sarah,
you're a solo ager yourself.
And when you stop being the expert
at the podium for a moment
and simply become Sarah,
what part of your own future
are you still working through?
My husband and I have,
we decided many years ago,
actually before I even got into
this,
because this is not my first
career,
but long before that,
we had my husband's father
father who lived in a lovely
retirement community
in Florida
and was,
you know,
the thing they had determined
they weren't going to be a burden
to their children.
Well,
they weren't.
They put themselves in the hands
of wonderful caregivers
when they needed it,
but mostly they lived a lovely
independent life there.
so my husband Chuck
and I looked at each other
and said,
you know what?
That's our future.
We're going to have to plan
for that financially
because there's nobody
coming up behind us
to take care of us.
So that is what we are doing.
We recently made a commitment
to move into a community
not far from where we live,
and they are doing
an expansion right now,
so they're actually building
our unit,
and we've put a down payment
on it,
and we,
you know,
barring any sort of catastrophe
with the building of it
or in our lives,
we'll be moving in there
in about two and a half
or three years.
So that's one thing we've done,
just looking at our own
private lives.
We,
again,
we had to plan carefully
for that financially,
starting when we were
in our 50s.
We also have
long-term care insurance,
which we purchased
in our 50s.
we also have talked
to a number of fiduciaries,
and that's,
it is a fiduciary
that will now take the place
of what is currently
in our estate plan
that involves a younger,
a younger cousin of mine.
But within the recent,
recent years,
unfortunately,
that younger cousin
has had two bouts of cancer.
So,
you know,
even the 15 years younger
that she is,
might not be the right answer.
So,
the next time we do
an estate plan,
it will be with a fiduciary
on that top line.
So that's the reality for me.
Again,
my husband and I
don't know
which one of us
will go first.
Right now,
we're both healthy
and thriving.
so,
but,
you know,
that can change
in a phone call.
You're right.
It can change
with one medical test.
I'm in my mid-70s now,
so,
we just don't know.
I'd like to thank you
for your authentic stories today
and your authentic advice.
I think coming from a solo age
or yourself,
it's really meaningful
to our listeners
and is just
chock,
so full of advice.
We're going to include
your book
in the show notes
because I
do recall
having been really well received
and
unique at the time.
Thanks for being here today.
This was a really important
and meaningful conversation
and
whether
you're
a solo wager,
no matter what
type
or size
you are
in
what's becoming
a much broader
swath
of solo
wagers,
I think the advice
you gave us today
applies broadly
and
we're grateful
for it.
Well, thank you, Mark.
I appreciated the opportunity
to share that.
That wraps up
this week's episode
of the Caregivers Podcast.
I'm your host,
Dr.
Mark Ropaleski.
Thanks for being here
and we'll see you next time.
Sarah,
thank you for helping us
talk about something
that's easy to avoid
until the moment
it becomes urgent.
I think one of the
clearest reminders
from this conversation
is that independence
is not the same thing
as a care plan.
You can be capable,
thoughtful,
organized,
and deeply independent
and still need people,
documents,
authority,
backups,
and support in place
before a crisis happens.
For anyone listening
who's aging
without reliable
family support
or who loves
someone who is,
I hope this conversation
doesn't leave you frightened.
I hope it leaves you honest
because the goal
is not to panic.
The goal is to ask
the hard questions now,
name the roles
that need to be covered,
and put support in place
before the emergency arrives.
Before you go,
please subscribe
and follow
the Caregivers Podcast
wherever you're listening
or watching.
It's free,
it helps support the show,
and it helps
these conversations
reach more caregivers,
families,
and solo agers
who may be trying
to plan for a future
they've not known
how to face.
And if the Caregivers Podcast
has been helpful to you,
please consider
buying the team a coffee.
We're a new independent show
and every bit of support
helps us keep bringing
these conversations
to caregivers each week.
The Buy Me a Coffee link
is in the show notes
on YouTube,
Apple Podcasts,
and Spotify.
Thank you for listening
and we'll be seeing you
next time.
Before we wrap up,
I wanted to remind you
of something important.
The conversations you hear
on this podcast
are here to inform,
to support,
to spark reflection.
You're not a substitute
for professional medical advice,
care, therapy,
or crisis services.
Listening to this podcast
does not create
a doctor-patient
or caregiver-client
relationship between us.
If you're facing
a medical concern,
health challenge,
a mental health challenge,
or a caregiving situation
that needs guidance,
I encourage you to reach out
to a qualified professional
who knows your story.
If you're ever in crisis,
please don't wait.
Call your local emergency number
or recognize crisis hotline
right away.
You deserve real-time
help and support.
The views you hear
on this show,
whether from me
or my guests,
are our own.
They don't necessarily
reflect any organizations
we work with,
are part of,
or have worked with,
or been part of in the past.
This podcast is
an independent production
and it's not tied
to any hospital,
university,
or healthcare system.
Thank you for being here,
for listening,
and most of all,
for taking the time
to care for yourself
while you continue
to care for others.
I look forward to hearing from
you.