Understanding Attachment Theory

In this episode, we learn the basics of Attachment Theory: the exploration of how relationships shape our brain's ability to participate in close relationships and regulate emotions. By understanding how our adopted children build trust and form attachments, we can guide them along their healing journey and help them build (and maintain) healthy relationships.

What is Living With Joy Renewed with Jeanette Nafziger?

Welcome friend! This is the Living With Joy Renewed podcast, where adoptive families find healing for the present and hope for the future.

I'm Jeanette Nafziger, and I'm here to come alongside you on your parenting journey each week with tips, real-life stories, and encouragement to help your family find renewed joy at home.

Hey everyone. Welcome back to the living with joy renewed podcast, where adoptive families find healing for the present, and hope for the future. Joy renewed is here to support you on your parenting journey each week with tips real life stories and encouragement to help your family find renewed joy at home. Here's this week's episode

Hey, everyone, thanks for checking in again today. The word for today on our podcast is attachment. We've all probably heard that word before heavenly attachment styles, secure attachment, insecure attachment, infant attachment. But what does it all mean? Obviously in our brief interaction with one another today, we aren't going to be able to get at it all. But we can start with the basics today of what it means for our adopted kiddos. And one of my college texts written by Dr. Ron Hawkins and Dr. Tim Clinton. It describes attachment theory as the exploration of the way relationships shaped the brain's ability to both participate in close intimate relationships, and to regulate emotions. In other words, and in relevance to adopt these as our children's brains process their past relationships with people who may no longer be in their life, or maybe had never been a part of their lives. There will be a constant monitoring of their current relationships to determine if they're safe, or if they're dangerous. But it doesn't always mean that their brains will tell them the truth about every situation. Infants in children's experiences with primary caregivers, wire their brains with certain beliefs about the world. Is the world safe? will it meet my needs? It wires their brains with certain beliefs about themselves? Am I worthy of being loved? Am I worthy of having my needs met? So if early infant and childhood experiences why are these belief systems, we can see why adopted children may struggle with relationships, even those kiddos who were adopted as infants, these beliefs are embedded in their brain, and they cannot simply be talked out. In other words, they can't be changed by logical explanations as to why they shouldn't believe certain things about themselves or the world.

So where do we begin with our children to change these belief systems, so that their current and future relationships aren't affected by these past experiences and beliefs. Don't forget, I always say that I believe we are children's best therapists. So let's begin some equipping so that we can be that for them. beliefs such as people can't be trusted, everyone is against me, I am better off on my own. This person couldn't possibly love me enough to truly understand me. And on and on and on. These beliefs became solidified in the brain by what doctors Hawkins and Clinton describe as emotionally charged relational experiences. That's how they got in there. So they need to be counteracted. With new emotionally charged relational experiences, ones that are positive, all children learn security when they experience a safe place in their primary caregivers. So if something happens to a child adopted or biological, they look for their caregiver. If their caregivers are gone for a period of time, they become anxious and upset, but then happy upon their return and their eagerness to see them.

If a child is in a home where they're experiencing abuse, their brain is wired to constantly be on alert for danger. If it is neglect, they'll be on alert and in survival mode, trying to figure out how to meet their own basic needs. If a child was never in an abusive environment, but was adopted as an infant into a safe environment, they still may have had prenatal experiences that alerted their developing brains to danger through hearing, experiencing pain, a lack of nutrients, maybe experiencing the emotions of their biological mother, such as fear and anxiety. In the womb, these babies will feel that, at the very minimum as an adopted child grows and begins to understand that their brains don't process things quite the same way as those around them. They will question their safety in the world. So we see that it makes sense that our adopted children often don't have secure attachment styles, but we can help them to begin to modify their attachment. The key is healthy relationships, healthy models of emotional regulation, unconditional understanding, compassion and love. This is what will heal these kiddos

We cannot talk them out of their beliefs, but we can offer them a whole new experience that can begin to rewire their brain. This is what we want to do. As adoptive parents, we all know this, we all know that we want to give them a better experience. They didn't start out on the greatest foundation in life. And we want to make that better for them.

But this doesn't happen overnight. Which means in the midst of this journey, there are going to be difficult days, tense moments and hurtful words hurled at us.

Love them through it. Go back and listen to the previous podcast where I talked about regulating your own emotions, taking time for yourself, so that when you are in the midst of something with your child, you're not thinking of your own emotions and your own hurts. See, this is where the meat of that podcast comes to light. If we as parents are emotionally healthy, and we can regulate our emotions, we will be able to see in the moment the behaviors of our children as responses to faulty beliefs that their brain is holding on to about the world, negative beliefs that they have about relationships, and most of all negative ideas that they have about themselves, we will be able to see this stuff coming out if we ourselves can be regulated emotionally, eventually. And I know this might sound like maybe it's impossible, but I'm telling you, eventually, you can get to the place where you become thankful for the difficult moments. Because they are working to reveal to you the parent, where your child is struggling with negative beliefs. When you recognize it, you can begin the work of changing it.

We do need to end our podcast today. But we will continue this conversation because it's a long conversation. Now that we know the work that needs to be done, how do we do it? How can everyday interactions with our kiddos rewire their brains and increase their confidence in themselves and in the safety of the relationships around them? You are enough for your kiddos? You have what they need. Go love them. Thanks for listening.

Thanks so much for joining us on this week's episode of The Living with joy renewed podcast. We hope that this episode resonated with you and provided some hope and inspiration for your own family's journey. If you'd like to join a virtual or in person live group with other adoptive families, visit us at www dot live with joy renewed.com. In the meantime, stay connected with us on Instagram at live with joy renewed. And remember to subscribe to this podcast so you don't miss the next episode. As always, thanks for allowing us to be a part of your family's journey.