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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what
Speaker 2:we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care
Speaker 1:for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you. Christina says, Doctor. E, I just want to applaud you for your amazing work and courage with your new book and the podcast. I don't feel ready to read your book yet, but I can imagine the courage it took to write it and publish it.
Speaker 1:Your story in your words, that's amazing work. I have benefited so much from the variety of offerings on your podcast. It has been a great way for me to be introduced to the professionals in the field, as well as to find comfort in moments of despair in my own healing journey. As a survivor therapist, I especially love the synopsis on the Healing Together conference that I attended for the first time this year. I have been intrigued with the idea of coming out professionally and admire the wisdom and courage of others who are like me.
Speaker 1:Unfortunately, I have experienced so many negative things when I have tried to be authentic that I am currently on lockdown about that. You know what? That's something we totally agree. When we are out publicly about our DID, it is within the safe boundaries and confines of the context of ISSTD. The people where we actually have an office with at work, they don't have any idea that we have DID or that we do a podcast or that we've written a book about it.
Speaker 1:No idea. We haven't told them. I don't think we would tell them at this point. We would have to have significant growth and expansion of those relationships to be able to do that. But some people are able to do that and it's safe for them and it's good for them and I'm so grateful that they have enough safety for that kind of congruence in their lives.
Speaker 1:But for many of us, it's just not possible and that's okay. Because if it's not possible, then it's very important we keep ourselves safe and that is the exact right thing to do. With that said, and as a result of attending the Healing Together Conference, I have been invited to be a part of a consultation group professionals with DID. Oh, I know what you're talking about. The rest of the email, yes, I can set you up with that.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much. I love the idea of being part of a group of professionals who are trauma informed, but also enlightened about DID. I am a member of the ISSTD, but have found it difficult to feel like I'm really a part of anything. My therapist, who I've been working with for more than fifteen years, suggested I ask you to recommend me to participate in an email group you are involved in. I told her that this seemed like asking a rock star for an autograph, but here I am doing just that.
Speaker 1:That's so funny. I don't know that I'm such a rock star, but I totally know what group you're talking about. And let me tell you guys, it has saved our lives. I'm not even kidding. So now we have therapy once a week on Wednesdays.
Speaker 1:So we've even moved it because of the trigger because for like five years we went to therapy on Mondays, right? So even Mondays kind of are their own trigger. And so we have therapy on Wednesdays now, which is perfect. And then every Monday night we go to DID group therapy and that has been fantastic, even though we are still anxious and like the first time didn't even talk hardly because it was so overwhelming. But it was overwhelming in a good way.
Speaker 1:But even the good guys, we can't tolerate it yet, so we still just sat there and cried. But then every other week on Friday or Saturday, I don't even know because it's a time question, we have group who have DID, but also are therapists like us, and it has been a powerful experience. They are an amazing group of people. We are working very hard to keep it safe, and we totally came as an out group that came out of Healing Together Conference, and it has been a profound and life changing experience, and I love those people with my whole entire heart. So I'm very happy to get you set up, and I'm so glad you reached out.
Speaker 1:You were very brave, and I hope you have enjoyed the group now that you're connected and that that goes well for you. Welcome, welcome, welcome. BJ says, Oh, our hearts. I actually had to wake him up and listen to this morning's podcast where you spoke with your daughter about her medical traumas. You guys are so tender and such a loving mom.
Speaker 1:Patty caught it, a possible short switch around the twenty eight minute mark when you were showing your her your scribbles in your adult book, the note taking, and you were speaking with her about the colors. He helped me raise my kids too, and I think he just realized what that may look or sound like, waves at that sneaky little peak of yours. We used to call them that, those moments where someone within would sneak a moment of now time to interact with now world, but I digress. We just wanted you all to know that you guys are an awesome parent. God knew what he was doing, bringing those kids to you.
Speaker 1:Oh my goodness. I can't tell you how much I am grateful for that encouragement because we are in week 59 of the quarantine and lockdown with sick children. And the husband is still with his parents caring for them, which is wonderful and good and right, and we absolutely support him a %. And we're doing a good job staying connected with him, but it means we have been single parenting for nine weeks. And so it is a lot, and I am grateful for the support and encouragement truly because they're amazing kids, and we wanna do right by them for real.
Speaker 1:But it's terrifying. So thank you, truly. Lacey says, I'm listening to the podcast, and we're at the Africa trip. Oh, right. The podcast is amazing and doing so much good in the world.
Speaker 1:Thank you all for the gift of sharing. I feel like we find things when we need them, and this has been very helpful in celebrating my inner world and honoring my parts. It's like the light switch is turned on or I finally figured out the decoder combination, and the podcast has been a tool in that discovery and acceptance. Huge gratitude and big thank you to your whole family, inner and outer. It's precious and kind, and I really appreciate what you shared.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much, Lacey. Another email. This one from Kristen. I recently learned about the podcast through the ISSTD webinar this past DID awareness day. My partner is a veteran and has a TBI and has been diagnosed with DID.
Speaker 1:He's a veteran and the CPTSD and the DID was overwhelming for me. Then I found the podcast and felt less alone. I just wanted to share how much it has helped me in actually understanding my partner a bit better and has given us common language for their experience. I also want to say listening from the beginning has been so eye opening, but John Mark always makes me hungry, and my consumption of chips and salsa since I started listening is through the roof. Lovers of chips and salsa unite.
Speaker 1:Anyway, thank you all so much for bringing this to the wider world, but especially for bringing it to us. Thank you so much, Kristen. That was so sweet. RS says, hello. First of all, thank you so much for your podcast and all you do, and I was wondering if you could also sell your new book or memoir as an ebook.
Speaker 1:I would like to buy it and read it, but I think it would be too hard for me to order the actual book all the way across the world from where I live. Thank you and take care. So here's the thing. It is not an ebook yet. It is not an audiobook yet.
Speaker 1:Those things are in process, and we have several blind friends who are excited to listen to it. And I know some people really like ebooks, but we're just not there in that comfortable level of that. We're just not comfortable yet with that level of distribution, and so we've asked them to pause that. We are working on the timing of that and what we need to do to be comfortable with that, but for now you absolutely can order the book from anywhere in the world. We have already sent it to New Zealand and Australia.
Speaker 1:We have sent it to India and Pakistan and Egypt and Morocco and South Africa. We have sent it to Ghana, and we have sent it to England and Ireland and Germany and The Netherlands. Did I already say all that? We've sent it to Brazil and South America. Like, there are so many places, tons in Canada.
Speaker 1:They have gone out all over the world. So really, I don't know what drama is about because it's out there. It is out there, people have snatched it up and we are so grateful and really hope that it helps someone. We also are grateful because you can donate on the website to donate a book and that has helped ship them out across the world and to people who need it but are not able to get it. So there's a wait list for that, but you absolutely can order anywhere you're in the world as long as we can ship there.
Speaker 1:So, so far, we have been able to ship everywhere without problem, and we even sent one to China. And where else? I don't know. There's, like, a whole list. They have been out all over the world.
Speaker 1:And so enjoy. Good luck. And that's terrifying. Here it goes. I hope it's okay, you guys, because that's a lot of people that are gonna be disappointed if it's a terrible book.
Speaker 1:Oh my goodness. What have we done? Okay. Okay. Michelle says, thank you for your response in your last emails podcast.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry I stepped on your toes mentioning our common trauma of loving and then losing a therapist. Oh my goodness. No. Totally. Like, you stepped on my toes because it's real, not because you were bad.
Speaker 1:Right? Like, it is it was it was good and right, and it needs to be talked about, but it's hard to talk about. So you gave a way for us to be able to talk about, which I'm grateful for. Hearing you speak made me cry too. I just want to thank you so very much for sharing your heartache about the loss of your therapist so openly during 2020, because your sharing gave me permission to know what I know and feel what I'm feeling about losing my therapist and not feel so alone and crazy.
Speaker 1:It is such a taboo topic, having a negative therapy experience, and you've had several. Yes, yes we have. It's very, very isolating. Your courage and sharing has been helping me process my feelings and grow. I'm very grateful.
Speaker 1:You are on my mind often after your latest therapist died. She seemed to be providing you so much hope for healing, and I'm heartbroken that you lost her too. I hope in the meantime you found someone new who can be with you in all the loss. Oh, yeah. That was brutal.
Speaker 1:That is brutal. It continues to be hard. She was very kind. She was very good. We were making good progress.
Speaker 1:We have found a new therapist, and I think we've mentioned that we keep showing up, which surprises me every week, but she has been very helpful. There's lots about that I wanna share, but we are not ready to share yet. But it is going very well, and I am grateful truly. And she is, as she says, making space for us to address some grief as we are ready to do so, which we assured her we were not ready to do so. But, you know, therapy is therapy.
Speaker 1:I hate therapy. But, yes, we finally have a new therapist, and, you know, she's vaccinated. That's something. And so maybe we can keep her for a while. Five weeks.
Speaker 1:It's a new record, you guys. Arlene donated to the podcast and said, thank you so much for all you're doing. Thank you, Arlene. Arlene also wrote, I only found your podcast recently, but I started at the beginning. That's the way to do it, you guys.
Speaker 1:Starting at the beginning, it will make the most sense. But, also, that's a long time ago, and I don't know how to make anyone do that. They said, I had to write to you today because I just listened to the Wall of Terror episode from August 5, and he basically summarized the book I've been trying to write for the last twenty years. I'm a psychiatrist and for my whole career of thirty years, I have been working with patients with trauma related difficulties. Besides standing beside them as a guide to help them navigate their internal lives, I also teach them about the neurological nature of what they experience and how the brain has made adaptive changes, not pathological changes, in order to survive.
Speaker 1:Oh my goodness. I already love you, and you need to come on the podcast. It did this on its own. They didn't decide to have multiple selves, but you captured it all wonderfully. But what I really wanted to say is that I can hear some commingling of some people, and I still have almost two more years to catch up on.
Speaker 1:Your guests have been wonderful, but I already knew most of what they shared. What has been amazing to me and a gift to me is that you have given me a window into my patients' experience. I had a minor, relatively speaking, experience in integration of parts of me many years ago, and I think that's why I can see multiple selves in people. The saddest times are when I start working with someone in their 50s or 60s who has been recognized for the first time as who they are, multiple or plural. Your podcast, among others, will hopefully improve the recognition and treatment of dissociative disorders.
Speaker 1:As recently as a couple years ago, I had a huge confrontation with a psychiatrist who was our team leader about a patient in the hospital who clearly had DID. He was among those who don't believe in DID, as though it's a religion you can choose to believe in or not. We still have lots of work to do ahead of us. Thank you for doing what you do. As a side note, I also have a daughter with autism.
Speaker 1:She's 33 now, and I've learned so much from her. I want to tell you to slow down your rate of podcast making and trying hard to catch up. Thank you for all you do. Oh my goodness. That's really funny.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Most of the time when we're able, the podcast comes out twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays. And the first Monday of the month, we try to always make it a clinical interview. And then sometimes we have other interviews during the month as well. If there's an email podcast, it almost always happens on a Thursday in case you guys haven't figured these things out.
Speaker 1:And the podcast, as far as clinical guests and topical episodes, are scheduled out about a year, a year and a half in advance. Like, we're way ahead on that. But the personal episodes, sometimes we move around a little bit so that they are not quite in order or so that it's safe for us to share because sometimes there are creepers who just think they know all your business. So we need to make sure all of that is, there's a time difference between what we're experiencing and when you actually hear it so that we are safe as a system to do our own therapy work and have some boundaries around that. But other times, like last year, things were really hard, and it was just a once a week thing for a while.
Speaker 1:So we just really do our best, and hopefully it can keep going until we feel like that's not a thing anymore. But for now, it's being helpful to you, it's being helpful to us, and so we're doing our best. But I will tell you, there's not a day that goes by that we think, oh, we shouldn't have done that, or, oh, that was too scary, or, oh, that was too much. So it takes ovaries, you guys, to talk about this stuff. But thank you, especially for standing up to that psychiatrist.
Speaker 1:And by standing up, I mean educating ever so appropriately. Thank you. Lisa says, I just listened to the Feeling Words podcast episode. I'm so sorry for your deep feelings this past year. A part of me wants to say, I'm so glad you released your memoirs because now the world knows the secrets and the whole world can't live up to that magic curse.
Speaker 1:By the way, so what if the world goes, we all go together, and hopefully a part of you can be released. I can't imagine how scary this must be for everyone talking to the world, and I wish it wasn't so hard. Lisa, this is why we love you. You are our Thelma and Louise of the podcast world. Thank you for being there.
Speaker 1:You've been so supportive in a hundred ways and definitely a supporter of the podcast, and we are grateful for you truly. Thank you, Lisa. You guys, as always, I can't tell you how much your support means and your ongoing encouragement and cheering us on through this as we do this. We could not do it on our own and we are absolutely doing this together. Thank you for your emails, and thank you for listening.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this.