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Join Beth and Stephen for the second episode of a four-part series around boundary issues within your mentoring relationship. This week, they discuss the signs that you may be having a boundary issue in your relationship. It's not the most joyful episode, but you can be comforted in knowing that if this is you, you are not alone. Both Stephen and Beth (and a host of other mentors around the world) have gone through the same things you are facing.
Show Notes
Join Beth and Stephen for the second episode of a four-part series around boundary issues within your mentoring relationship. This week, they discuss the signs that you may be having a boundary issue in your relationship. It's not the most joyful episode, but you can be comforted in knowing that if this is you, you are not alone. Both Stephen and Beth (and a host of other mentors around the world) have gone through the same things you are facing.
Purchase the You Can Mentor book:
You Can Mentor: How to Impact Your Community, Fulfill the Great Commission, and Break Generational Curses
youcanmentor.com
Purchase the You Can Mentor book:
You Can Mentor: How to Impact Your Community, Fulfill the Great Commission, and Break Generational Curses
youcanmentor.com
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others. You can mentor.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to the YouCan Mentor podcast. Today's episode, we are talking about signs you have a boundary issue. Diarrhea
Speaker 3:Oh, okay. Is usually
Speaker 2:is usually a
Speaker 3:is right.
Speaker 2:Is usually a sign you have something wrong with you. And so we're gonna talk about the signs that something's wrong in your mentor relationship, which probably relate to a boundary issue.
Speaker 3:Wow. That's great. So this is like relational diarrhea. Okay. Great.
Speaker 2:I think that makes sense. You could
Speaker 3:have picked any symptom.
Speaker 2:I think that one is very thorough going that, you know. Like, if you have a headache, it could be, oh, I'm I may be dehydrated, or I may need caffeine. You got diarrhea, you know something's wrong.
Speaker 3:Technically, something is wrong if you're dehydrated as well.
Speaker 2:Oh, I I guess that's true. Let's validate that.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Headaches matter.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Well, signs you have a boundary issue. Beth, what is our first sign you have a boundary issue in your mentor relationship?
Speaker 3:Well, first of all, I just wanna clarify that these are things that you are responsible for looking for.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay. So so if I'm a mentor, these are like the the yield signs, the stop signs
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:The indicators that let me know, hey, there's check engine light. It's it's beeping at me. Yes. That's great.
Speaker 3:Yes. And just to give some transparency, I wrote this based off of my own experiences. So if if you left the last episode feeling like that shame monster that we talked about creeping up on you, or maybe you just felt like the worst mentor ever because you're getting run over in every which way on these boundaries. I definitely wrote the book on doing it wrong when it comes to boundaries. And so wrote all of these off of my personal experience.
Speaker 3:So you are in good company or at least my company. You can determine if that's good or not.
Speaker 2:It's great. It's wonderful.
Speaker 3:So anyway, just a little disclaimer. I don't know what I'm doing.
Speaker 2:I wanna reiterate that I think my diarrhea illustration was perfect.
Speaker 3:Oh, I just why? Why?
Speaker 2:Because it's something personally that you recognize, so you know there's a problem. Okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah. That's true.
Speaker 2:No one else is looking into that.
Speaker 3:But apparently, everyone else knows about it because you keep talking about it. Okay. Anyway, boundary issue. Number 1, you dread your mentee meetups. Oh.
Speaker 3:So in my experience, I think there was a point, whenever I was mentoring several girls at one time that I honestly should not have been mentoring in that season of my life. I was going through a lot of hard stuff. I was just very much emotionally, spiritually, physically drained, but I just felt this, like, expectation I had to meet or this this burden to follow through on my commitments. Responsibility is like a huge deal to me. And so being, like, a person of my word, I felt a I felt like I would be failing my own character if I threw in the towel, and so I just kept going.
Speaker 3:But in reality, like, looking back, I realized that it was actually not integris of me to show up halfway, and that's what I was doing. I would see it on my calendar, and I would just be like, man, I kinda hope they text me, and they say that they can't meet up today. And a lot of times they did, actually, because they were busy too. But when that would happen, I noticed that was a problem because I would be so happy that I didn't have to meet up that day. And, eventually, I just was like, wow.
Speaker 3:I does this mean I'm, like, the worst mentor ever? Because I would rather be doing anything else than than meeting up with them today. And so, yeah, that was a really big red flag for me that I was doing this for the wrong reasons. I was doing it out of an obligation that I just it wasn't even fair to myself to be trying to meet at that time in my life. And I was doing it out of trying to be, like, a good person who, like I said, was integris, but I, in my head, was not being loving.
Speaker 3:I was not being patient. I was not being genuine with the words that were coming out of my mouth. That is not what was reflected in my heart. So big red flag.
Speaker 2:I feel like it takes something to be able to acknowledge that. I I don't know when you came to that realization, if it was like you went to 5 or 6 of these, and you realized, why do I feel the way that I feel about this? Or when that realization hit you. But I'm sure we have a ton of mentors who are showing up for mentor meetings, and they're carrying something going into it from the last one, whether so say say they went to go meet up with their mentee, and then their mentee didn't show up. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:The next time you're showing up, you're naturally thinking about, are they gonna show up?
Speaker 3:Yeah. Or maybe still frustrated.
Speaker 2:Care about this.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And why do I care about the am I caring more about this than they are? Isn't this about them? And and all of a sudden, you realize that your heart is overflowing with all of this frustration, animosity, and you may not even acknowledge it until a long time later.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I mean, in general, I am not very good at recognizing how I feel about things until I actually stop and, like, spend time reflecting and praying about it, and so I have kind of a delayed awareness to my emotions.
Speaker 2:Men don't even have emotions.
Speaker 3:Whatever. Thank you and Zach are, like We have emotions. Have definitely cried more than me.
Speaker 2:We have emotions. We don't have feelings.
Speaker 3:That is not true. Don't listen to him, and don't tell your mentees that. But, yeah, for me and I think the first time that I noticed that, it was like, well, maybe I'm just tired today, or maybe I'm just having an off day. But when eventually I noticed that this is a pattern that's not going away, and I did not know what to do with that. And so I just kept going, and you'll see some of the other red flags that we'll talk about.
Speaker 3:I went through all of them because I did not take a step back. I did not kind of take time to take care of myself and and deal with that. I just kept going, and so don't do what I did.
Speaker 2:Yep. It's a good sign. If you hate mentoring, it's probably a sign it's probably a sign that you have a boundary issue.
Speaker 3:Isn't it? It seems dumb that I would have to list that out. But, truly, like
Speaker 2:It's because something there's a violation somewhere. There either within yourself or because of the kid or because of how the thing's set up. Something has been violated, and you are not living with integrity until you acknowledge it. Yeah. And so the dissonance that's created is the frustration.
Speaker 3:Right. Because, like, all of these red flags and why it's a part of the boundary conversation is exactly what you're saying of there were boundaries crossed enough times, frequently enough, that now we've got a real issue because there are these major red flags popping up now. And so for me, I can point to those things of what made me dread meetups, and I think part of it was not having healthy boundaries or clear boundaries. And I think part of it was just not something that me or my mentees were responsible for. It was just life circumstances that I should've created a new boundary in that time to just recognize where I was at and what my limitations were during that season.
Speaker 3:Yeah. But I didn't. So now I'm doing a podcast on it because hashtag a b g.
Speaker 2:Well and maybe maybe somebody listened to the podcast right now has never thought about a boundary being of value. Mhmm. And so it's something you value that your mentee or their parent does not value, and crossing that boundary is violating a value that you hold, like, that that you hold dear. It's not just, I I guess, time time may be a value, or showing up on time Yeah. May be a value.
Speaker 2:Or what's another value?
Speaker 3:I think some people, like, using respectful, like, language. Like
Speaker 2:Yeah. So honoring me, thanking me. Most mentors would say that they would love to be appreciated for their investment. And so if that boundary, that value is being violated enough times, then you'll be like
Speaker 3:Wow. This is not fun. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So that's good. Yeah. Alright. Number 2.
Speaker 3:Number 2 is your inner circle is speaking up. So this is, again, signs that you might have a boundary issue. Your inner circle is speaking up.
Speaker 2:Is this like the angels that and the demon that sit on my shoulder? Well,
Speaker 3:I think the Holy Spirit should be in your inner circle. You should be praying about it. But also your friends, your family, your pastor, your life group leader, whoever is or are the people in your life that know you best and kind of have access to your life in a way where they can see you're not being yourself lately. I'm seeing this change. This pattern is new, and I'm concerned about it, and I'm gonna say something.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, like, what feedback are you hearing from the people who love you and who know you best? If they're bringing something up to you, it is very important that you pay attention to that because they're gonna see things that you can't see in yourself.
Speaker 2:Sounds like your your family your family's boundaries may be encroached upon from your mentor relationship. Yeah. And so if you start hearing something like, hey. I need you home by this time, but for the last few weeks on this night, you've been showing up an hour and a half late, and I've had to put the kids down. On one side, it's a conversation about expectations with your family, but another is a flag that maybe you've not recognized that your mental relationship is rubbing up on a a boundary that your family has set.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It may not be something that you've you've established, but something that a loved one has established. And so now you're having to coordinate between those relationships Yeah. When friction occurs.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And it could even I mean, maybe it's not a loved one. Maybe it's your boss. Like, there are things that you committed to and you took responsibility for before you started that mentorship. And those things don't go away, and you were responsible to them first.
Speaker 3:And so I don't think it I don't think it's a boundary of just even the time spent. Like, maybe it's maybe you are home at night on time, but maybe you're so drained from carrying things that aren't yours to carry or taking on things that you just emotionally shouldn't have brought home with you or doing too much, like doing doing more meetups a week than you really have capacity for. So maybe you're coming home, and you're so drained that maybe your spouse or your kids are like, are you even listening to me right now? Like, I just feel like you're somewhere else. And or maybe it's your boss who's saying like, hey.
Speaker 3:I don't know what's going on, but your work is slipping, and I'm concerned about that. And so it might not be a time thing that you're paying attention to that they're bringing up. It might even just be your presence. Like, I'm concerned about how drained you are. I'm concerned about you're here, but you're not here kind of things.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I mean, I'm trying to think of an example of a friend who may be picking up on something, And it it might just be how you talk about your mentor relationship. And so in those settings where you're grabbing a brewski with a broski
Speaker 3:Or a Saturday burrito.
Speaker 2:There you go. A Saturday burrito. Yes. At the arboretum.
Speaker 3:They have burritos?
Speaker 2:No. But that every time you talk about your mentor relationship, you're talking about it in a negative light. You're voicing your frustrations about something. Your friends might pick up or your pastor might pick up, hey. It sounds like for the last month, all you've done is complain about your mental relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Maybe there's something off. Yeah. Like and everyone's gonna walk through a challenging moment in a relationship. But if it's, like, the defining thing that you always talk about is how difficult this thing is, or it it does represent, like, maybe you have some boundary issues because I would hope to see this resolved.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Mhmm. Yeah. Well and I know for me, again, I was a prideful mentor who shouldn't have kept going when I did. And so I know that I had people in my inner circle speaking up of just telling me that I wasn't giving enough space to the hard things that I was going through to just, like, take time to heal from things that I should have been healing from, and I was trying to basically put activity in place of healing.
Speaker 3:And if I can just do a bunch of stuff, I I don't have to deal with this hard stuff that I'm dealing with over here. So speaking up, for me, it was like my mentor and my friends being being just very honest of, should you even be mentoring right now? Like, you're going through all of this over here, like, major relationship pain, and then you're walking young adults through major relationship pain and spiritual pain. So yeah. And I don't know that they even really had insight into they didn't know how I was walking and feeling about any of that, but I think that they just connected the dots of major life trauma, probably need to take a step back from mentorship.
Speaker 3:It was simple as that, and that was that was them speaking up on that, which I did not heed, and I should have.
Speaker 2:Which is the inner circle part of that is if there's somebody you should listen to, it's probably the people closest to you.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. You screwed that one up. Yep. Okay.
Speaker 2:Number 3.
Speaker 3:Number 3 is when your emotions are red flags. Everybody, because everybody has feelings. Right, Steven?
Speaker 2:Well, emotions, yes. But, yes, we all have feelings. I probably have more feelings than you do, Beth.
Speaker 3:Do you wanna compete about that?
Speaker 2:So what do you mean red flags? Like, if I have an emotional response, it's telling me something about me.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Your emotions are data. Like
Speaker 2:Woah. I love data.
Speaker 3:It's great. You're gonna love this. But really, like, your emotions are if you if you're paying attention to them, they are they are telling you something. Data is just a collection of, telling you something. Data is just a collection of occurrences that when you look at it altogether, it becomes you can see patterns.
Speaker 3:You can see things that tell you something about a situation or about a program or about a person. Like and so our emotions, if you're looking at, wow. Like, I really overreacted, and that was what Zach Garza always said of a 5ยข problem, but a $500 reaction. Outbursts of anger or seasons of just sadness and depression or just, yeah, taking your emotions out in inappropriate ways or them coming out in inappropriate ways or taking out on people that had nothing to do with the issue that you're dealing with. And so just, yeah, it leaking out because because the emotions always come out.
Speaker 2:So when your response is not equitable to the situation Mhmm. That may be a sign that something's up. Yeah. But but even if it's equitable, it's still a sign.
Speaker 3:Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like, you're saying even if anger was deserved.
Speaker 2:It's still a sign.
Speaker 3:Still a sign.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And it I I guess a boundary issue it kinda makes it sound like a boundary issue is like this this thing has been going on for years, and it's unresolved. But it's more of, like, that feeling is like the ping against the the wall of the boundary. And sometimes you can live in relationships where people are beyond the wall for a long extended period of time, and finally you recognize, oh, wow. I need to reestablish where you should be when it comes to this boundary.
Speaker 2:And sometimes, maybe it'd just be there coming up against it, against the wall. And you having a natural emotional response to that is just saying, that's where the wall is. That's where my boundary is.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. That's true. I guess in the scenario that I'm just thinking of, for me, was obvious because I was angry and, like, short-tempered and sad or just unmotivated to go to my meetings. And so that's easy to pinpoint.
Speaker 3:But I I think the the harder thing when it comes to emotions as red flags is just that it takes work on your part to identify them. Like I said earlier, I am slow to identify my own emotions, and so I think that this takes work on the mentor's part to pay attention to that. The data doesn't just collect on its own. I mean, it's all out there, but you've gotta put it together and analyze it.
Speaker 2:What are some emotions?
Speaker 3:Have you seen Inside Out?
Speaker 2:Uh-huh. Yeah.
Speaker 3:All the characters.
Speaker 2:So, like, anger. Anger is, like, the main one that I can think of.
Speaker 3:Sadness.
Speaker 2:Sadness. Oh my gosh. Well
Speaker 3:I think it was disgust or shame. I think they called it disgust and
Speaker 2:It was fear another?
Speaker 3:I can't remember if it was, but that is, I mean, an emotion. Yes.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. Joy. Mhmm. But we're mainly talking about negative emotions, or could joy be 1?
Speaker 3:I don't think that would be a red flag emotion. I think that's actually what we're going for.
Speaker 2:What if you're you enjoy having a boundaryless life? Does anybody?
Speaker 3:People think they do. But so many of our our stresses at the end of the day are coming back to a boundary issue of some sort. If you're stressed about finances, you might look at things and and figure out that you actually have a boundary issue with keeping a budget. Or if you have stress about going home for Thanksgiving, you might discover that you have a boundary issue with your parents having control over your life. Like but when we just look at, like, oh, I want the freedom to be able to do what I want whenever I want.
Speaker 3:And we think that boundaries are putting limitations on our freedom, but, really, they're setting us up for health, which is always gonna lead to more joy than just doing whatever we want.
Speaker 2:Because we're talking about emotions, I feel like I need to recommend a book. Can I recommend a book?
Speaker 3:Only if it's Pete Scazzaro.
Speaker 2:It's not Pete Scazzaro. This guy named Chip Dodd wrote a book called The Voice of the Heart. And the voice of the heart is our emotions, because they're all they're all a response that's helping us go somewhere.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Usually, we use our emotions to go the wrong way. And the design is that our our emotions are meant to help us.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:They're not meant to hurt us.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Just like the nerves in our body, they're not meant to cause us harm. It's actually good for me to feel pain when I stick my hand in a fire.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Which that was the crazy thing I heard recently was that and it it may have been on Pete Scazzero's podcast. So I'll bring Pete into the the conversation. But he said that he was talking to someone about leprosy. And leprosy, usually, people think about people with limbs that have been lost and blindness and all this stuff. But leprosy, the the main problem is that you can't feel pain.
Speaker 2:And so people go blind with leprosy because they don't feel the thing that tells your body to blink because your eyes are hurting. Mhmm. And so you just hold your eyes open at all times, dry out your eyes, and then you go blind. That sounds crazy to me. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:But in a way, your emotions are telling you something, and if you don't respond to them, you're missing you're missing the sign that they're they're pointing you that something's wrong Mhmm. Or something's right.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Like, emotions are a grace to us. Yeah. They communicate to us and help us understand ourselves. So, yeah, that's good.
Speaker 2:So he he says that they are hurt, loneliness, sadness, anger, fear, shame, guilt, and gladness.
Speaker 3:So Curve ball at the end there. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So there you go.
Speaker 3:It's good.
Speaker 2:The 4th sign you have a boundary issue, Beth. Tell us.
Speaker 3:You are making decisions you are not proud of.
Speaker 2:Oh. Oh. Yeah.
Speaker 3:And I don't know if these are progressive.
Speaker 2:And this is in the mentor relationship?
Speaker 3:Yes. Well
Speaker 2:Not just like I ate,
Speaker 3:Whataburger for the 7th time.
Speaker 2:It was twice. Okay.
Speaker 3:We saw the leftovers in your car. Okay.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh. I we do not need to get into this. But, yes, there are poor decisions made almost on a daily basis, and I'm working on it, Beth. Alright? I recognize the signs.
Speaker 2:That's why I bought this habit this habit app. I was gonna say habitual. Habit app. It's very helpful.
Speaker 3:It's good.
Speaker 2:Okay. Making decisions you aren't proud of.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So I don't think it has to be
Speaker 2:Which diarrhea could be symptomatic of a decision that you made that you shouldn't be proud of?
Speaker 3:Like eating old food. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:I mean, if you're, like, lactose intolerant and you're knocking out a queso, probably not wise.
Speaker 3:That's like what every lactose intolerant person I know does. They're like, I'm lactose intolerant, and then they proceed to eat, like, ice cream and anyway Dumb. Dumb. Yeah. So making decisions you're not proud of, I don't think it has to be just in the mentor relationship because I think one of the important things to just take stock of is that everything your life is going to affect your mentor relationship.
Speaker 3:And so it's not separate. Like it's not compartmentalized where I could be sending like crazy over here and expect that it's not gonna affect my mentor relationship over here. So I don't think it has to be directly in the mentor relationship because it's gonna affect it either way. But this is just, you know, when your emotions are out of check and maybe you're just, you know, just kinda dealing with things in a in a unhealthy way.
Speaker 2:Sarcasm.
Speaker 3:Sarcasm could be 1. Yes. Could be bigger things, like numbing emotions with substances or even just unhealthy habits of, I don't know, like excessive shopping or something. Just things that if your mentor were replicating that, is that a life that's setting them up for health and success? Those are things to be aware of.
Speaker 2:So if I have a boundary issue in my mentor relationship, could these signs happen somewhere else in my life?
Speaker 3:Oh, I see what you're saying. I mean, I think so because
Speaker 2:If I have issues in my mentor relationship, I'm gonna start buying a lot more stuff on Amazon.
Speaker 3:All I'm saying is that things are a lot more connected than we like to think they are.
Speaker 2:I'm feeling that. I'm feeling that right now very viscerally because you if you have a issue in your marriage Yeah. You start doing other things that aren't related to your marriage, not just like jabbing or making sarcastic comments Yeah. You may start doing something else. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. And I didn't mean that by infidelity, but maybe someone would would do that.
Speaker 3:Truly. I mean, that could be the extreme form of it. Yeah. Like, there these things multiply.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:So but yeah. That's a really good point.
Speaker 2:But within the mentor relationship, you could get frustrated, and rather than approaching the relationship with encouragement, you start making jabs.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:You start venturing into yeah. I mean, just kind of a buddy buddy, you're kinda nudging them and, like, I I imagine someone playing ping pong and making fun of their mentee. Yeah. And, like, that's not who we are. That's not what we wanted
Speaker 3:And it's, like, where did that come from?
Speaker 2:And, like, why am I saying that? Yeah. And is it is it because there's somewhere else where I felt like, I don't know, some some boundary has been crossed, or maybe they said something that was similar to that. And I'm matching I'm matching the mentee's vocabulary or language or in mentor shouldn't should should do that with wisdom. But I I mean, I I imagine that it's symptomatic.
Speaker 2:It can be symptomatic of a boundary issue somewhere else in the relationship.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Or even, like, if you are experiencing that first red flag of dreading a meetup, maybe it progresses to this red flag of lying and saying that you can't meet up just because you don't want to and saying you're busy when you're not, or just kind of practice.
Speaker 2:The real issue.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. Well, this is helpful for all of our relationships, not
Speaker 3:not just
Speaker 2:our mentor relationships. But, I mean, it's interesting to think about what our expectations are of kids and how those expectations may have not been met and how that affects us in ways that probably aren't communicated that lead to the signs that we're talking about so that we'll acknowledge them. And it's like wake up. Wake up. You're feeling these things.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Your emotions, your actions are showing that something's wrong. Come into the shop. Come and acknowledge the problem, get this fixed. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:It's very helpful.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Well, and, I I feel like this
Speaker 2:any hope in this episode?
Speaker 3:Say. I was like, I think this episode feels like, wow. Should I be mentoring? But this is just the reality of what can happen with without the boundaries. And like like you said, I think there's a temptation to think it's it's easier to just not set the boundary and that's gonna make my life easier and more this relationship more fun, but that comes back in some form or fashion.
Speaker 3:And so to set up for success, this is why boundaries matter because it can lead to these things that are not fun, that don't feel hopeful, that are always gonna end in pain, whether it's for you or the mentee as well. So the next episode
Speaker 2:Well, can I can I add one thing? Could you have a boundary issue somewhere else in your life that's affecting your mentor relationship?
Speaker 3:Like what?
Speaker 2:And so me dreading meetups with my mentee could be because I'm overstretched at work, and I I have a boundary issue at work Yeah. That's the problem that's making me feel angry about spending time with the kid because I'm not not at work Yeah. Or things like that. And so I think that is good to consider
Speaker 3:is Yeah. Is this issue actually with
Speaker 2:With the kid, or is it somewhere else in your life? Yeah. Because, like you said, these things are more connected than we think they are.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. Yep. That's
Speaker 2:blowing my mind right now.
Speaker 3:Gotta get your house in order.
Speaker 2:Okay, Jordan Peterson.
Speaker 3:Wow. So it is feel so discouraged right now.
Speaker 2:Yes. Give us hope, Beth. We need hope.
Speaker 3:Come back next week. We're gonna talk about your role in boundary setting, but also just it actually is possible to have healthy relationships, and that's that's an attainable thing. It takes hard work. It takes initiative and introspection and all the things we've talked about, but it's possible. We're We're gonna talk about how to do it.
Speaker 3:So don't end the series here. Don't stay in the valley.
Speaker 2:Yes. We had to go here, but we'll bring you out. Amen. It is good to acknowledge that our health matters when it comes to our mentor relationships, and I think that is a place of hope of saying that we need to value ourselves enough to where we are willing to recognize the signs when we are not well. And we need we need help, and we need to acknowledge Yeah.
Speaker 2:When boundaries have been crossed.
Speaker 3:And if anything, if the only encouragement in this specific episode we can offer is that there are people hosting a podcast about mentoring who have been in that valley and who have felt the things that maybe somebody listening is feeling, just know that you're not alone in those feelings, and there's a way out.
Speaker 2:Can I share one story? Just because I don't think I gave an example that time. I just let you share about your difficulties.
Speaker 3:You talked about diarrhea a lot. So as long as it's not Yes. A story about that.
Speaker 2:I had a hard conversation with Amari because there were there are there were 3 or 4 instances in a row where we had made a plan to hang out, and he bailed on me. Either by ghosting me, which for ghosting is a colloquialism from Gen z where you don't respond to a text message. Hashtag old. Or he did reply to my text and just say, oh, I'm hanging out with my friends, or, oh, I'm taking a shower, or, oh, something else. And you can hear my voice that I'm still angry about it, which is a a sign that I have a boundary issue.
Speaker 2:There are only so many of those times that I can just let it go. And probably the best practice is to not let any of them go, but actually address it. Hey. We made a plan, and you seem to have changed your plan. I need you to know how that made me feel so that we can correct it as soon as possible.
Speaker 2:If I wait 4 or 5 times and then come in, and I'm like, dude, you keep doing this Mhmm. Last minute changing the plan. I'm trying to hang out with you. I wanna be your mentor, but it feels like you don't even wanna hang out with me, or you can completely blow up. And it would be so much better if I just read the signs that, oh, that that did, like, texting back, no problem, like, did not solve my issue.
Speaker 3:You put an exclamation on it too, didn't you?
Speaker 2:Yes. Or or okay. Sounds good. Love you, dude. Those things don't actually solve the problem.
Speaker 2:It makes you feel gracious. It makes you feel merciful.
Speaker 3:But Which there's room for. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yes. But did I actually resolve the tension within myself, or did I just pass by the sign?
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And, I mean, you always tell me, just personally, that I need to resolve the things that I feel because eventually, they're gonna come out. And maybe as an Enneagram too, I'm more likely to stuff that stuff because I care about what people think about me more than I should.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Or at least an image of me that I want them to have. And so, I guess, my encouragement is don't wait for a second sign. Take the first sign for what it is and respond to it, and make sure that you you acknowledge what that boundary is. Maybe if you don't even know what it was, take some time to discern what it was. What is the thing that you value that was encroached upon, and how can you plan to voice that?
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. And, like, that setting that expectation doesn't have to be a rebuke. It could be setting the expectation and extending grace in the same breath.
Speaker 2:That's good. Didn't think about that. You could do both.
Speaker 3:You can do both. It is possible.
Speaker 2:Maybe that's that's a good word for me to hear, so I can not just feel harsh.
Speaker 3:Yeah. That's that middle ground.
Speaker 2:It's like the stories you hear of parents who spank their children and then they hug them.
Speaker 3:Yeah. That's just a story, not something I experienced on a personal level. Love you, mom and dad.
Speaker 2:Now, little Bethy, you you crossed the boundary here. I'm gonna have to spank you, but then we'll I'll hug
Speaker 3:you. Wow. That is a can of worms.
Speaker 2:It's great. Don't spank your mentees. That's a boundary you don't wanna cross. Yeah.
Speaker 3:That's absolutely not okay. Glad we clarified that. It's
Speaker 2:awesome. Okay. So sum this episode up for us, Beth. I think you already did, but just do it again.
Speaker 3:These are the signs that you have a boundary issue. So hoping that this helped you kind of identify if you need to take next steps to deal with that boundary issue that might be being crossed. Our guideline to leave you with is the impact of your mentorship will never outpace the health of your relationship. So take stock of these things. Make a plan to address the issues that you're seeing because your health matters in this.
Speaker 2:It's really good. Well, circle back next week. We're gonna talk about your role in boundary setting. It's gonna be fun. Share this with someone you think would benefit from today's message.
Speaker 2:We're excited about this podcast. Please leave us a 5 star review. That would be helpful. Maybe leave us a review with how this episode has helped you. You can mentor.