Life in the Grey

It is so easy to fall into the trap of self-criticism—labelling ourselves as lazy or constantly wondering why we are so bad at managing time. Or perhaps we wonder about our children, who can't seem to prioritise homework, assignments or responsibilities.

But what if the underlying reason for the delay isn't a flaw in our schedules at all? In this episode, we step away from traditional productivity hacks to explore what is really going on beneath the surface when we avoid getting things done. We find out how digging deeper into our child's thought process can transform daily battles over procrastination into meaningful connection.

Creators and Guests

Host

Faith

Faith is a Singapore-born advocate for holistic wellbeing, informed by decades of personal exploration into counselling practices, therapy and trauma recovery. Although not a psychologist, she has developed a nuanced understanding of emotional wellness through her healing journey. Married and living in Singapore, Faith shares her home with two beloved cats and nurtures a passion for jump rope, finding both joy and valuable life lessons in it. Her outlook embraces a blend of physical, spiritual and emotional health, allowing curiosity, compassion and intentional consideration to guide her as she navigates the gentle greys that lie between life’s extremes.

Host

Melody

Melody is a passionate advocate for empowering mothers through connection, faith and digital engagement. As the project leader for Mums At The Table, a vibrant community for mothers, Melody leads efforts to create meaningful content that helps mums navigate parenting while fostering deeper relationships with their children and local communities. With a background in media and communication, Melody uses her expertise to engage mothers in digital spaces, equipping them with practical tools for parenting and personal growth. She lives in Sydney with her husband and their primary-school-aged son.

What is Life in the Grey?

Life isn’t always black and white. Life in the Grey is a Mums At The Table podcast where we explore the psychological factors that shape our relationships, be that as a parent, a partner, or a peer. And don’t worry—it’s short because we ain't got time for fluff. Expect practical takeaways that you can apply to your own life, whether it’s navigating parenting challenges or finding balance amidst life’s demands. Join us each month as we share stories, insights, and reflections that encourage personal growth and foster a sense of connection in our community.

FAITH:
So Mel, may I ask you a question that might need you to reveal something about yourself?

MELODY:
It depends. Let me hear the question first.

FAITH:
Okay, so what's a task that you have been putting off?

MELODY:
Oh okay, that one's easy. I'm happy to reveal that. Well actually, funny you ask that, but I actually recently got a new job.

Okay, to clarify, I got a new job on top of my current job, so two full-time roles.

FAITH:
Oh my goodness.

MELODY:
I don't really want to think about it right now. I don't want to think about all I have to do for it or I don't actually even want to do it. Is that considered putting it off?

FAITH:
It is. I mean, you don't want to think about it right now, right? You're putting off the thinking about it.

MELODY:
It's not happening. My head is currently in the sand. Nothing is happening.

FAITH:
Why do you think the reason is that you're putting your head in the sand?

MELODY:
There's a bit of overwhelm. There's a lot of terror. There's a lot of fear.

FAITH:
Yeah, I mean, it's crazy the kind of emotions that come up, right? And I think this really ties into what I want to talk about today, which is procrastination. Because if we go back on what we've talked about, procrastination doesn't sound like it's a time management thing for you. It sounds like it's more like a “how we manage how we feel” thing.

MELODY:
Yeah, and it's interesting because when you say time management, from my point of view, I guess it's not a time management point of view. But when I think about other people who are waiting for me to get on with the job, I reckon they will probably think that it's a procrastination kind of thing. Very, very good point.

Okay, before we—got a question for you, but before that, you're listening to Life in the Grey, a Mums At The Table podcast, where we recognise life isn't always black and white, and where we explore the psychological factors that shape our daily relationships and parenting choices. I'm Melody, a writer, a communicator, project leader for Mums At The Table, and as mentioned, newly appointed editor-in-chief for Signs of the Times magazine.

FAITH:
Yay, congratulations! And I'm Faith.

MELODY:
No, I’m scared.

FAITH:
Well, okay, we'll unpack that. I'm Faith, and my background is in applied psychology, and I'm currently training in psychotherapy.

MELODY:
And so, you have a psychological theory about procrastination. Tell me.

FAITH:
I'm just going to go straight to the point, which is procrastination is less of a time management skill issue, and more of just the brain doing its job. It's really just protection, and it's often associated with laziness or a lack of skill, you know, like time management and all that. But really, it's just the brain is just trying to use procrastination as a survival skill or a defence mechanism, and it's trying to protect two layers, I would say, two layers.

Right, so it's got the identity layer and the somatic layer. Somatic really just is a big word for like, you know, like how the body feels, right? And how the protection works is, on the identity layer, it's if you never have to test your capability, then you kind of stay in suspended animation, where you are potentially still capable.

But the minute you actually do the thing that you need to do, now there is a test, there is a proof, and it will prove either you can, or you cannot. And for, yeah, you're going to say something?

MELODY:
Oh, I was just thinking about, I'm trying to apply it like, you know, because it's a bit theoretical here. So I'm trying to apply it and trying to apply it practically, right? So like, say, for example, the easiest way of, I'm thinking procrastination, right, is say, for example, going for a run or doing exercise.

And I'm not wanting to start my exercise regime, I'm not wanting to do it. I've got other things that I want to do, like, say, I don't know, do the household chores, or sit down, watch TV and something. So it's like, oh, yeah, well, I'm procrastinating, I've got time management issues, I cannot go exercise.

But really, it's talking about the fact that I'm, somewhere deep down inside psychologically, I don't want to go exercise. And I don't have the time for it, quote, unquote. It's just because if I start exercising, I'll realise how unfit I am?

FAITH:
Possibly, potentially, if the identity of being fit is important to you, then if you're running, you end up becoming all huffed and puffed, right, after barely like one minute, then you're like, oh, no, I guess I wasn't as fit as I thought I was. And then, especially if the fitness is tied to a lot of other deeper issues, right, deeper beliefs, about value, especially about worth.

A very real example for me is when I am posting stuff on social media, there is a huge fear because I identify myself and I hold very dear this identity that I am an efficient and effective communicator. And when I put something on the social media, and it gets 50 views, 100 views, all of a sudden, my brain makes the connection. Low views equal bad communicator. Okay, I know it's not, I'm not saying that the brain is logical.

That is how sometimes that belief gets tied in together, right? Like low views, poor communicator. Now, all of a sudden, my identity is shooketh. I am like shooketh.

And then there's this other part, the somatic layer, because sometimes maybe it's not that deep. It's just your brain trying to get your body to avoid or escape that uncomfortable feelings that could rise up.

Like, say, for example, you have a tummy ache, just thinking about the exam, you have a tummy ache, so you don't want to think about the exam because of the tummy ache, you just want to avoid the tummy ache.

MELODY:
Or maybe even like just going for the run, like go back to the example, right, going for the run, feeling huffed and puffed, maybe you don't want to have that feeling.

FAITH:
Exactly, exactly. You don't want to feel huffed and puffed. And sometimes it could also be because, okay, and this is me revealing a bit about myself, when I first started my exercise journey, I had no idea that that feeling of tiredness, of being strained, my body being put to the test was very much associated in my brain with feelings of survival and being like chased down. And so my brain just said, no, do not exercise because you are getting chased down and you're getting hunted, so don't exercise.

MELODY:
Well, actually, that would make you run faster, right, if you're being chased.

FAITH:
Well, or it just might make me not want to go run in the first place because why put myself in a position where I'm going to get chased, right? That's true. Or hunted. Chased sounds like we're just playing a game of catching, right? But I'm talking about being hunted down.

MELODY:
Nah, it's true because, you know, it reveals something about myself too. I hate being chased. Like even when we're playing like catching, like robbers and thieves or tag or whatever it is, right, I do not like to be the one being chased. It's just like, no, don't chase me.
FAITH:
You'd rather be the chaser.

MELODY:
Yes, then I can choose, I find that's all right, I'll give up the prey.

FAITH:
And so sometimes what happens is procrastination is really a tool that your brain is using to either help you avoid and escape the discomfort or it’s to help you protect and preserve something that you hold very dear.

MELODY:
That actually makes sense because like, you know, if we talk about where I am right now, right, the reason why I'm not wanting to think about my job and whatever it is, that's, okay. There is like 300 different layers but I'm just thinking, yes, there's the identity because, you know, I identify myself as someone who is able to do a job well. So if I start putting myself to the test and get to do this new job and I don't actually do it well by my own standards or by other people's standards, then yeah, my identity is shooketh to quote you.

Yeah, but then there's also the feelings, right, because it's extra work, like who likes to do extra work? So yeah, I can see that and I can see the link to parenting as well because, okay, I think most parents believe, not believe, most parents think that their kids are procrastinating. I think that of my child all the time when it comes to two different things, right, and I think that's two common things, homework and household chores, yes?

FAITH:
Yes, and the procrastinating, I mean, they are procrastinating. You're not thinking that they're procrastinating, you are observing their procrastination.

MELODY:
That’s true.

FAITH:
The question is what meaning are you attaching to their procrastination?

MELODY:
That's true, which is interesting because it just reminded me of this thing that I actually stumbled upon quite by accident.

Yeah, so son procrastinating, not wanting to do his homework. I'm thinking, oh, why are you just not getting to do it? Like, can you do something? He's doing everything else but his homework, right? And initially thinking the whole thing that you link with procrastinating, they're being lazy, they're not being able to manage their time well, etc, etc.

Then one day, he reveals to me that he doesn't want to do his homework because it makes him feel like he's stupid. So, that's the identity thing, right?

FAITH:
Yeah, it's the identity thing, yeah.

MELODY:
So, we worked through that and it's actually a lot better now and the reason why it's a lot better now, it's not because he's suddenly become a genius but it's simply because, I don't know, he's probably learned more skills and he's able to do his homework better. So, I've noticed now the difference is that previously, he really needed my help in doing homework.

Nowadays, he's going, “I can, hey mum, I can do it myself.” And so, he comes home, drops his stuff, unpacks his stuff and goes straight to do his homework. Like, I don't even need to tell him to do anything about it. So, there is the lack of procrastination now and it's not because he suddenly amazingly become not lazy or learned how to manage his time well. It's because his identity as a stupid person has changed, is that correct?

FAITH:
Because he got more skills. It sounds like as he gained the skills to deal with the homework, it became easier for him to do and when something is easy, obviously, our body feels so much better at doing it, you know?

Struggle is so difficult. Who wants to struggle? If you can get it the easier way, why not, right? And it makes a lot of sense also why sometimes it's just something as simple as why would you rather spend, like, why would I rather spend like five hours playing a computer game than five hours on something that would make me feel tired and my brain is used.

I mean, a computer game is so much easier. It's easier, it's more fun, right? But that's the whole thing about learning is that it's not always fun but it can get easier when you adopt more skills. It can get easier and then it's not about, oh, I'm stupid because I can't do this but it's like, hey, I'm actually quite smart. I actually got this done. Way to go, me!

MELODY:
Yeah, yeah. Well, that's the difference. That has been the difference I've seen and so, yeah, so he's more motivated, quote-unquote, and less procrastinating when it comes to doing homework because of that.

FAITH:
And when he gets more of these experiences, right, when he gets more of these experiences where it was difficult at first but then, hey, now it's easy and I'm smart and I'm whatever, you know, all the associates, I can do this and I've got tenacity and as he builds more and more of that, it will get easier and easier to go from, like, oh, I feel really dumb and this is tough but you know what? I've got a lot of experiences in the past of feeling really dumb and it was tough but look where I am now, huh? So then the jump is a lot faster.

Like, previously, maybe it'll take like this long to go and maybe now it's this way, you know, like a little bit faster. Like, it's tough. I don't like it. It's uncomfortable but I think I can do this. I still think I can do this and you'll get there.

MELODY:
So, I guess what you're trying to say is, you know, let's not judge people, judge our children too harshly.

FAITH:
Okay, this whole thing about procrastination has really been unfairly associated with lazy, undisciplined, oh my goodness, that one hurts me so bad, like, you know, undisciplined and then or someone who just can't get it together, right? And when we take away that meaning from that and we just recognise that procrastination is just your body doing its job, your brain doing its job, it's designed to protect you, it's designed to keep your identity intact, then the question to us as a follow-up is, does that protection still serve you? Because if you can figure out what it's trying to protect, then you can interview that part of you that's trying to protect it and say, is this protection still serving us?

Because I get it when we were like six years old and we had to do that and then, but then we are like 50 years old right now, do we still need to do this? Yeah, and then I find that when I do that for myself, the procrastination shrinks, the time that I spend in procrastination shrinks. But it's when you interview what it's trying to protect and then you look at what it's trying to protect and figure, oh, is this still serving me?

MELODY:
Which is a lot better than going like, you know, yeah, it's a lot easier when you're going, so what are you trying to protect? What is the problem here? Instead of labeling yourself or whoever it is, you know, saying you're lazy or why am I so lazy or why am I so bad at managing time? But just going, what am I actually or what are they trying to protect?

FAITH:
Yes, what are they trying to protect?

MELODY:
That's good and so well, I guess if you're a parent wondering how to get your children to stop procrastinating, I'm guessing it's about a way of finding a way to help them do the task easier or finding out what they're trying to protect.

Okay, clarification, I'm not suggesting that we remove the task or even to do the task for them because it's only through doing difficult things that we learn and grow. But maybe it's about taking the time to have a conversation, dig deep, discover their thought process and address the underlying reason.

If you want to find out more about how to do that, there's actually a very useful article on Mums At The Table that will tell you. I'll add the link to it in the show notes. You've been listening to Life in the Grey, a Mums At The Table podcast and we will catch you next month.

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