Crazy

Received an email from a mum who's son has addiction issues.

What is Crazy?

Laughing at Daily Lives Struggles

Caroline Rushe (00:00)
Welcome to my crazy live carolines podcast. Thank you so much for listening everybody. It is so sunny in Ireland at the moment. Thank God. The sun is splitting the stones. That's what we'd say in Ireland. I just see from my stats, I have a lot of people listening that are not in Ireland, that are over in Australia, the UK, et cetera. So welcome. Welcome and thank you so much for listening to my podcast.

I tried a few different things with this podcast but the agony ant seems to be doing well. Thank you. I suppose the agony ant is, we speak about real stuff, real issues, real problems. I'm no therapist but I've been around the block a few times, married 20 years, two kids, had a bit of trauma there trying to, in which it, so I suppose we had a lot going on.

I suppose it's just talking about stuff that no one else is talking about. And that's what I brought in last week about people that are, you know, menopause and low libido. And it's really important to talk about those things. In my show as well, we talked about menopause because, you know, we just, no one is talking about it. It's all swept under the carpet. And that's from years ago when our parents, our own parents just dealt with it and they just got on with it and there was no...

talking about it or know nothing. There's so many different therapies out there now that we can get to help us through this. We don't have to suffer anymore. So yeah, it's just so lovely to have the sun, isn't it? I can't believe like how are we gonna go back to Pence? I love wearing shorts. I am a sun fanatic. I love the sun so much. It's just, it's my thing. I just love it. I love sun holidays.

just all I want to do is just sit in a chair with the sun beating down on me that's it and I suppose it's because we don't get enough in Ireland we just love it but yeah I'm really enjoying these few days now and hopefully this won't be it because sometimes when we get our summer in Ireland that's it it's no more it's forgotten about although on the other side I think if we had sunny weather all the time lads we would be I mean we'd have

because the minute the sun comes out the bottle of beer comes out of the bottle of wine so you know it is it is we're you know big that's because we don't get it enough maybe we had it all the time you know so this week I got a lovely letter in from another mum and yeah it's actually it's a really difficult one so we'll read through it first and then we'll talk about it so dear Caroline

Congratulations, you're amazing, a truly inspiring person. I found it very hard to take compliments, lads. It just stems from childhood. And thank you for that. Thanks so much. My son, my adult son has an addiction. It's so difficult. Could you please talk about it? I'm so lonely. No one asked about him. We go to counselling, but we get no family support.

Okay, that is so difficult. Addiction is a massive issue in Ireland.

And I don't know what type of addiction this is. It could be gambling, it could be drinking, it could be drugs, anything. You know, she doesn't say. But addiction, it does affect the whole house. Absolutely. It doesn't just affect that one person. Addiction affects the whole house. And I know this because I grew up in a home where someone was addicted, had a huge addiction problem. And it does affect the whole home. Because, you know, they're...

They have to feed their addiction some way so it's money so they need to get money from somewhere and that affects the whole house because if they can't get the money then they're obsessed and angry and Like it was drinking my house. That's what it was. So when they'd get drunk they'd come home then and You know, they would you know, they'd be physical abuse and

that is it does like I went to therapy for three years and you know still to this day it affects me it does affect me it affects my whole life it affects how I bring up my children it affects how you know if my husband goes out for a drink and comes home it affects me because I get triggered by it so addiction in a home is so massive and you know there isn't enough spoken about it there is enough done about it.

And please this woman is suffering in silence because no one wants to ask her about him. And I suppose the only thing about it I'd say is that I don't think they mean it in a sense. They probably don't know what to say or what you know or how to help you. Like it's amazing. You are an amazing mother to bring him to counselling. That is absolutely the best way forward and the only way forward for this.

is to go to counselling. And it's like, with me, I did counselling and I had medication, so it was like a dual approach. But obviously, I don't know what way your son is affected by this. But I mean, counselling is absolutely massive and it'll just help him for his future, you know. And like, he's an adult as well and you're like, oh, you wish he was gone and doing stuff, but no, he's stuck in this addiction.

And there's so many different addictions now, like the gambling is massive now at the moment, like, cause you can do it on your phone, where years ago it was only down to the betting office, now it's on your phone. Like even for COVID, I remember I got a little bit addicted to the old gambling hunt phone myself, like, because there was nothing else to do and I kind of won a few times, I was like getting the buzz, but I had to pull myself back from that. I was like, no, you know, but I had the sense to do it, but your son is, you know, he didn't, he just decided to keep going.

But you're an amazing mother to bring him to counseling, but you get no family support. And the one thing I would say to is that unfortunately, no one gives a shit about your lads. And it's so true. Like, like I'm very close to my sisters now, but that wasn't always the case. We weren't always very close. And even when I was on my IVF journey, they listened to the IVF podcast, my sisters were like, oh my God, where were we? What were we doing? And I'm just said we weren't that close back then.

And if you're not very close with your family members, they won't support you with these things. They won't support you on anything. And some families are close and some families aren't close. And that's it. Unfortunately, it's the hard reality of it. Like even when I went through my breakdown, like five years ago, like my sisters, we weren't very close back then. And, you know, we didn't get much support. It was just my husband that pulled me out of that hole. And.

got me over into the hospital and basically sat with me and sorted me out and then I went to council and then I went to therapy. So unfortunately it's the hard reality of it and I know your husband was resentful at the start but I think you can be resentful but then you have to think about okay just say the shoe was on the other foot.

where now I am so close to my sisters that no matter what goes on in our lives, we are honest like my sister had breast cancer last year. And she, I was up and down to chemo, everything. But I mean, five years ago, that mightn't have been the same way. So all I'd say is how, you know, are you really close to your family or not? Or do you kind of confide in each other a bit?

I'm just like your friends really should be there and they should help you out in relation to you know asking how he is like if they know he's gone through an addiction you know like I own my own brother we went through a bit of a nightmare with him there but again like I felt that like no one was asking about him no one was saying oh how's your brother how's your this no one asked

And I don't know, like then do you want people to ask, right? And then say, but they don't really want to know. And sometimes even my sister now that she went through breast cancer, like, so we got so many offers, oh, I'll do this. But no one was there at the end of the day. It was no one. It was meeting a hard, just direct family, our sisters and a few friends. But there wasn't much there. Oh, you know, I think people as well. Life is so busy at the moment.

and we're all trying to work, we're all trying to wear children, we're all trying to go holidays, we're all trying to have the new care, we're all trying to have the new clothes and all and we're so busy with lives that we actually forget and we don't support each other enough. Where life isn't and I used to be the exact same. I used to be always going on, oh new care, new this, now I'm not, no I'm not. I love my holidays and I love going to pennies.

but I'm not a one for, you know, I used to be, oh, I have to have a new car for years. No, I'm not. No, it's not. It's not privacy to me anymore. And privacy is my family and my sisters and my brother. They're all safe and they're all happy and whatever happens to them, we go through it together. Now I did look up actually, there is, they're called FASN. So they're a website.

If you go into FASN .ie and they're a support group that will support people that have someone in their family that have addiction problems. They have phone numbers as well if you wanted to ring them and get some support off them and maybe they could support you in some way or you could meet up with them and see if they could support you or give you some advice. But you know, I suppose.

The only thing about it is you can force people into asking you and you can't force people into caring. Unfortunately, I've learned that the hard way and that you can't force people into helping either. I remember my mum was really unwell and she had motor neurone disease. And I remember like, you know, like different family members would do different things and it's all about accepting that that's how much they want to give.

You know, you have to accept it, okay? Well, they're not willing to give as much as me, you know? Or I would, I was given too much. And it's a downfall of mine that I give too much where you don't get the same back. So, you know, you can't, I think it's all about accepting what people are willing to give you.

And then, you know, when this is all over, then you can look back and say, oh, well, who did really sit by me? Who was really there sitting by me at my worst day? And that's who when you come out of this, that's who you'll actually say, wow, that's my friend, you know. And I think my mother's passing and my mother's disease, motion -neurin disease, that me and my sisters.

we really connected over that which is terrible but it's you know it was like a little last goodbye from my mother because we were all so connected when she died because it was such a hard year with her because she she lost every part of it.

So we now are so strong. There's four of us in it and we will support each other all the way. And, you know, we ring each other every day. We see each other every day. So, you know, it sometimes it takes something like that to kind of come out the other side. But I am really sorry for this lady that she's so lonely and it is a tough time for her and.

the counseling will do the world to go to bed. It's like I did cancer for three years and there's no shame in it. I mean, it was so tough. Counseling is not easy, but I had to do it to get out the other side. And it's so triggering when you're sitting there talking about stuff from childhood. But you know, like I, you know, it was, it's just as a massive problem with the health system. There's no therapy on the health system.

So you have to go private and pay private, which is absolutely ridiculous. Like we have, you know, we have a great economy, so I'm not sure why, but like it's a massive thing in my mind that we should have therapy because like, look at all the Americans, they're talking about their feelings for years, aren't they? Like they're going on about their feelings and I feel this and I feel that. And I used to be laughing at them. I used to be pissing myself going, what the hell?

Why are they talking about their feelings so much? But it's the only way. It's the only way lads. And I finally realized that it's good to talk. It's good to get it out. And it's good to get it out to someone that's like not your family member or not a friend. Sometimes I go down to my friend and we kind of just rant at each other. And all it takes is that.

but it's like you don't want someone saying, oh, I, you know, the worst kind of a person that I had that, I know, I know, yeah. Well, you had a blood clot. I had, yeah, I actually had blood clot in my brain. That's the worst kind of person to be talking to. You know, you need to be talking to someone now that just will sit there and will actually just listen to you and just sit there, but that's what counselors do.

Cancers actually don't even like say a whole lot but they you know, cancers don't actually say a whole lot. They just kind of sit there and listen, you know, they don't even, you kind of come up with the answers yourself. It's mad how it works, isn't it? And it's very hard to get a good cancer. Like I went through a couple of cancers before I found the one that I liked and the one I clicked with and the one I could confide in.

and you know some things I told my counselor I didn't even tell my husband but I did tell him after then but like it was good to confide in someone and they weren't sitting there shocked jaw dropped because they want that happened to you you know like so I think getting someone that is very open to a conversation and not going to judge you and sometimes that is you know going for an outside source or maybe like this lady is going to counseling as a family

maybe going to counseling by yourself or try this page FASN and see if they could help you. They're like a family support and they try and help people that are the family members of this person that has addiction. I know I could have done much of that back years ago when my parent had the massive addiction problems. And yeah, again, no one talked about it back then either. No one said nothing.

And it's amazing now when I talk to people, I'm so open, they come up to me and said, yeah, I lived with the same. And I'm like, oh, my God, we never said each other. We could have been hanging around with each other all day, but we never said it. But I think it's like this thing of secrecy that you don't talk about stuff that a whole lot should know your business and no one should know this. I have so many women on here that are actually, you know, they're really getting.

they're kind of restarting their life because of my page and they're putting on the shorts and they're putting on the dresses and they're like, yes, life isn't over when you reach 40. And that is just like, I'm getting emotional here because that's my whole intention of the page that we're not old. We're just getting started. Let's we have a long life ahead of us. Do you know? Like we're mams, but we're much more than a man. I think like I love my children to bits.

I want to be more than men and some people will love just being a man and that's okay but I'm just I get so much love from people when they think they come on they send me a message saying oh yeah I just am putting on the makeup because I'm doing this and doing that because of you and I'm like yes get yourself up put on the all makeup, draw on the all shorts and make your feel you know you know and then I have the other side of it that I get the amount of hate I get about people oh well you're out but we'll take off them shorts.

You're too old for shorts. Show me where this rule book is for the shorts. Has anybody got the rule book lads? Because there is no rule book. We can wear whatever the hell we like. Like I don't care about sizes. I'm a little bit concerned about pennies now because soon enough I'm going to outgrow pennies if I don't cop on. I'm just back from a long walk with the dogs actually so I'm going to try and get back walking a lot.

That's what I used to do. I used to walk a lot with the dogs and do a couple of kilometers in the morning. Need to get back into that now and get off my lazy old and stop drinking coffee. But you know, like, you know, then I said to myself, you know, we're so hard on ourselves. Like I spent the last two months above visiting my brother in hospital, you know, so I didn't have time to walk. So, you know, we're so hard on ourselves, aren't we?

as Irish people were just so hard. I'm actually going on someone else's podcast on Wednesday and she's actually in Australia. So she's Irish, she's Australia. If I'm Australia and she wants me to go on her podcast, I'd be delighted. I'm only absolutely delighted to spread more crazy around. Crazy needs to be spread around more, you know, because.

We all need a bit of crazy in our lives. We all need a bit of reality. A bit of a reality check lads is no harm. It's just, you know, me and the husband were fighting all weekend and the silent treatment and I couldn't keep it up lads. I could not keep it up. I was like, oh Jesus Christ, come on. The silent treatment is tough work, isn't it? So I lasted two days. That was it. Then afterwards you think, why did I bother? Sure, we're friends again now.

then you're sometimes like I have to try and change him 20 years now we're married you're not going to change him girl I know so yeah it was it was a tough few days but I actually did a question on Instagram to see how long a one woman came back six weeks she was she didn't talk to the husband for I said a middle that woman needs because I mean I'm stubborn this woman is you know

Oh, it is fair play. Then someone told me a Chinese couple didn't speak for 20 years. 20 years. I mean, how did you get through the day? Talks here now, let's talk to me. They want to be up on top of me, then they want to come down. Anyway, thank you so much for this beautiful email. I hope I helped a little bit to try and highlight addiction and try and help.

any bit and I just say fair play to you. You're a great mammy bringing him to council and I'm so glad your husband is close and you're going to do this together and you're going to come out the other side together and you're going to be stronger and you're going to say who was there for me? Who was there when the hardest time happened for my family? And that's what you'll be saying to yourself and you'll say yeah and you'll know who your three people are. Unfortunately you'll know who they are.

there isn't many around I tell you that much there isn't many true people around so they want to know. So that's the end of this little podcast thank you so much for listening and from more everywhere Ireland and abroad thank you so much I'm going out to get a few more rays in before the rain comes.