Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques

“We are now competing in conversation with someone’s feed.”
Connecting with others requires more than knowing what to say. The signals we send through our body language, the questions we ask, and even where we position ourselves can shape how others experience a conversation. In this Quick Thinks episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, behavioral researcher and author of Cues and Captivate, Vanessa Van Edwards joins Matt Abrahams to explore the subtle cues that make communication more engaging. She shares strategies for navigating networking events, sparking more meaningful conversations, and signaling the warmth and competence that shape charisma and connection.

Takeaways:
  • Connection starts before you speak. Visible palms, eye contact, positioning, and other nonverbal cues can signal warmth and openness, shaping how others experience an interaction from the start.
  • Better conversations spark curiosity. Moving beyond routine small talk with engaging questions, surprising stories, and genuine enthusiasm can make interactions more memorable and meaningful.

Activity:
  • Create a conversational feed. Start a note on your phone and collect three things from your week—a surprising moment, an interesting observation, or a small win. Bring one into your next networking event or meeting as “conversational confetti” instead of defaulting to routine small talk.
Printable Expanded Takeaways & Activities

Episode Reference Links:
Connect:

 Chapters:

  • (00:00) - Introduction
  • (00:37) - Why Your Hands Matter
  • (02:20) - Networking With Confidence
  • (05:34) - Make Small Talk More Engaging
  • (09:03) - The Science of Charisma
  • (13:11) - Conclusion

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Creators and Guests

Host
Matt Abrahams
Lecturer Stanford University Graduate School of Business | Think Fast Talk Smart podcast host
Guest
Vanessa Van Edwards
Bestselling Author | International Speaker | Creator of People School | Instructor at Harvard University

What is Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques?

One of the most essential ingredients to success in business and life is effective communication.

Join Matt Abrahams, best-selling author and Strategic Communication lecturer at Stanford Graduate School of Business, as he interviews experts to provide actionable insights that help you communicate with clarity, confidence, and impact. From handling impromptu questions to crafting compelling messages, Matt explores practical strategies for real-world communication challenges.

Whether you’re navigating a high-stakes presentation, perfecting your email tone, or speaking off the cuff, Think Fast, Talk Smart equips you with the tools, techniques, and best practices to express yourself effectively in any situation. Enhance your communication skills to elevate your career and build stronger professional relationships.

Tune in every Tuesday for new episodes. Subscribe now to unlock your potential as a thoughtful, impactful communicator. Learn more and sign up for our eNewsletter at fastersmarter.io.

Matt Abrahams: Your body can
strengthen your message just

as much as your words can.

My name's Matt Abrahams, and I
teach Strategic Communication at

Stanford Graduate School of Business.

Welcome to this Quick Thinks episode
of Think Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.

My conversation with Vanessa Van
Edwards was packed with practical

advice for becoming a more
confident and engaging communicator.

She shared so many useful tips that we
couldn't fit them all into one episode.

So here come more practical, tactical
techniques to help you and your body

language reinforce your message.

We remember things better when we
see congruent gestures with what's

said, and that can be really helpful.

You have some advice and guidance
that's very specific about positioning

of hands, palm open, palm down.

Can you share a little bit?

Now, some of our folks are listening,
so we're gonna have to describe this.

Vanessa Van Edwards: Let's
go back to our biology.

Why do body language cues translate?

How does it work across cultures?

How does it work across gender?

If we think about we're about
to meet a stranger caveman, like

back in our caveman days, right?

And we're about to meet this stranger
caveman and they're approaching

us, and our brain is very quickly
trying to decide friend or foe.

I ask people, where do you
look when a first impression?

People always say eye contact or smile.

Well, actually, the first place we want
to look is someone's hands because you

want to see what is their intention.

Are they waving hello
with a nice open palm?

Do they have nothing to hide?

There's a reason why we like that open
palm is because it literally signals

to our brain, ah, this person is safe.

They are not hiding anything from
us, and their intention is positive.

So one of my favorite gestures, ways to
hold your hand is open palm, having your

palms visible as possible, especially in
a first impression, the moment you hop on

a call, the moment you walk into a room.

Whenever I'm working with speakers,
the moment you hop on stage, the best

gift you can give to your audience is
a, "Hello. Happy to be here. Morning."

Or even non-verbally having a hand
wave before you even take the mic or

take the stage, that is signaling to
someone, I am literally open to you.

My intention is to build rapport
with you, is to literally reach out.

And whether or not you're in a handshaking
culture or not, we like to feel like

we could be palm to palm, right?

We like to feel like that.

So open palm is one of my
favorite gestures of positioning.

Matt Abrahams: I'd like
to talk about networking.

In your book, Captivate, you dissect
the anatomy of a networking event.

Can you talk us through a few
best practices to maximize our

effectiveness in networking?

And I'd love advice on how to
show up, what to say, where to

stand, just all the specifics.

Vanessa Van Edwards: So as a
recovering awkward person, networking

events caused me great terror.

So as a researcher, what I did was
I'm just gonna study networking

events until I've mastered them.

And luckily, we were able to discover
some very interesting patterns.

So the biggest question I had was,
in a networking event, what do I do?

Like, where do I go?

And I noticed anecdotally myself
that when I was having different

conversations, they had a different
feeling based on where I was in the room.

So we did a big speed
networking experiment.

It was actually across three different
events in three different rooms,

studying foot patterns, where people
went, and then also the quality

of conversation they were having.

And I sort of like a football coach,
identified that there are three

different zones in a networking event.

And this also goes for a
party, a conference, a trade

show, all similar have these.

The first biggest worst place
to stand is the start zone.

And this is the mistake that very
anxious people like me make, which

is we walked in and we are alone
and our anxiety is the highest.

So we're like, "Anyone? Anyone?
Anyone?" And we will make conversation

with the first person we see.

The problem is in the start zone,
people have things they need to do.

They gotta go say hi to the host.

They wanna go to the bathroom.

They want to take their shoes off.

They wanna go get food.

And so every conversation in that zone
is gonna be like this, "What brings

you here?" "Yeah, I, yeah, the host.

Yeah, she's great.

Yep, we should go say hi.

Yeah.

Great.

Talk to you later."

Matt Abrahams: You've just diagnosed
many of my initial conversations.

Vanessa Van Edwards: Yeah.

And so it sets up
needless friction, right?

Like needless difficulty.

So get out of that start zone as quickly
as you possibly can so no one engages you

and you don't engage anyone else, right?

Like you're gonna get out of that
start zone, anywhere in the start zone.

And that's where people drop
coats or drop shoes or check in.

Not there.

You don't want to stand near the food.

I know it's so great to be near a buffet.

I know.

Near the food and near the bathroom,
you're getting people whose brain is

half on the food and the bathroom.

So the best place to stand is right
as people exit the bar or exit

wherever they're getting their drink.

This thing happens and you can
literally see it on people's faces.

I highly recommend if you're an
observer like me, go to these events.

When someone has their drink, their fresh
drink in hand, water, coffee, tea, wine,

whatever, and they turn and face the room,
their face is like, "I'm ready. I'm ready.

I'm ready." And you're a social savior.

If you're standing right there and
you go, "Oh, that wine looks great.

What is it, a Cabernet tonight?"

Or, "Oh my gosh, so nice to see you.
I'm Vanessa. What brings you here?"

It's like you are a social savior.

So stand right there.

And the second tip I love to give
for networking is don't overthink

your opener, but don't go sterile.

One, asking about a, a
drink or food, that's easy.

Do you like it?

You know, how is that doing?

But two, working on anything
exciting these days?

Have any big wins this week?

What's the highlight of your week?

Ugh, isn't this venue so great?

Those are more sparking questions,
and when we do away with the sterile

questions, it really helps people engage.

Matt Abrahams: I like this idea of
thinking about where you stand and being

a social savior, helping others make it
easy for them to have a communication.

And then asking open questions that
spark conversation that aren't trite

and banal can be really helpful.

I'm going to the next social event
I'm at, I'm going to really pay

attention to where people stand.

I'm a greeter.

I'm in the start zone.

That's where I will typically stand
because I learned a long time ago, the

food and the bathroom get me in trouble
'cause people are definitely heading

in a direction and not wanting to talk.

You highlighted a little bit about
this, but many of us struggle with small

talk, in large part because we don't
know how to start these conversations.

What are some of those sparking
lines or observations we

can make to really help us?

Vanessa Van Edwards: Okay, so I've just
started thinking about this concept, and

I'm gonna share it with you for the first
time, which is we are now competing in

conversation with someone's feed, right?

Like, at any moment we're in
conversation, someone is gonna whip

out their phone and start scrolling
on their preferred social network.

So really, your conversation
is competing with that.

What if we begin to think about
conversation as a better feed?

So what does a feed give?

A feed gives us dopamine, which
gives us a little bit of excitement,

a little bit of motivation.

So that's anything exciting.

Any highlights?

Anything exciting happening?

Oh, you're never gonna believe
what just happened to me, right?

So you're sharing or asking.

It's not just asking always.

Sometimes it's actually sharing.

Second, surprise and delight.

So surprise is a big one.

A feed doesn't have a first impression.

You open up your feed and it starts.

I think a mistake that we have in our
brain is that we have to have this

slow opener before we get into it.

I think we do away with that.

You can literally meet someone and
they say, "How are you?" They're

in, they're in just autopilot.

"Oh my gosh, you know, it's been such
a great week. The most surprising thing

happened to me today. You're not gonna
believe." Just going right into it

and using what I call conversational
confetti, like phrases that are a

little bit like the feed, right?

Like, the most surprising
thing happened to me.

The weirdest thing
happened to me yesterday.

I saw the craziest thing.

You're never gonna believe.

And starting to collect these
stories and these moments also

makes you more interesting because
you're looking for things that you

could share in that event or that
party or that start of the meeting.

A lot of these, I think, happen the
first five minutes of a meeting.

Most of our students are leading
meetings, they're working rooms, and

those first five minutes are the hardest.

Just dive right into something you've
been saving for them, and then spend

all week curating and saving those
little highlight things that you

would put in your conversational feed.

That's how we have to think about it.

Matt Abrahams: I have a colleague
who's internationally known for her

work on conflict and negotiation.

Her name's Michele Gelfand, and she
likes to talk about mind your metaphors.

The way you approach something,
the metaphors and analogies

we use shape how we interact.

And I love this idea of small talk is
like being part of somebody's feed.

And when you see it that way,
it changes the way you approach.

Anybody who knows me
knows I love alliteration.

Conversational confetti, love it.

You can stockpile some of
these ideas, think about it,

go in, and it jumps right in.

It initiates and catalyzes
that communication.

So I do like that idea a lot, and
I will be stockpiling some things

to help me in my small talk.

And when we see small talk as a spark, as
something that can really excite people,

it totally changes that metaphor from,
"Oh, this is something I dread. This is

hard. This is a battle I have to fight."

I'm hoping you can help me, Vanessa.

I am often asked about charisma,
and it's one of these things where

you know it when you see it, but
dissecting it can be really hard.

From your perspective, what is charisma
and how does one manifest and display it?

Vanessa Van Edwards: Charisma is one of
those very interesting traits that we can

immediately think of the most charismatic
person we know, but when we have to try

to define it, it's really challenging.

When we think about charisma, I like to
reference Dr. Susan Fiske's research,

which looks at warmth and competence.

Now, she wasn't coming at it
from a charisma perspective.

Her, the name of her research
is The Stereotype Content Model.

She was thinking, how do humans
make impressions of others?

But what she found is that most of
our impressions are first warmth.

Can I trust you?

Can I be open to you?

Do I like you?

And then second, almost
immediately, is competence.

Highly charismatic people, and I've
spent the last 20 years studying those

people, what they are doing is very
quickly signaling warmth and competence.

In fact, the faster you can
signal warmth and competence,

the more charismatic you are.

When you think about this, it also
takes the pressure off of you.

You don't have to be funny
or impressive or extroverted.

Actually, those things have
very little to do with charisma.

What's more important is very clearly
signaling you can trust me and very

clearly signaling you can rely on me.

Matt Abrahams: Warmth and competence
are the very first topics that we

cover in my strategic communication
class at Stanford's Business School.

They're, it's so important, and
the research suggests both are

critical, and leading with warmth
can often be the most helpful.

Can you share with us some cues and
clues that we can communicate that

demonstrate warmth and competence?

Vanessa Van Edwards: Now, this is a
little more art than science, right?

So when I read this research, I was
immediately hooked and fascinated.

I was like, "Yes, warmth and competence.

But how?" "I love it, but
what does warmth look like?

What does warmth sound like?

What does competence look like and sound
like?" Although competence is a little

bit easier because we know if we know our
stuff, that can come across as competence.

But you're right, warmth is,
is I think the trickier one.

So I went into the research of,
okay, what signals openness,

likability, friendliness?

What makes someone feel trust?

So here are my opinions of very
highly warm cues based on highly

charismatic people and the research.

First, visible palm, eye contact,
and positive, affirmative,

non-verbal and verbal.

So for example, if I were to come
on this podcast and say, "Yeah,

I'm so happy to be here." Right?

So having positive tone, having positive
words, and aligning those two, having

that visible palm, having eye contact,
a smile, if it feels authentic.

I'm very careful to not prescribe
smiling, because if it's inauthentic,

it actually does the opposite.

It, it really takes away from your warmth.

So if you are actually happy to
see someone, harness the happiness.

What do we do when we like someone?

We go closer towards them.

We have closer proxemics.

We go in towards them.

We open up our palms.

"Oh, my gosh, it's so good to see you."

We either reach out for a
handshake or a hug or a cheek kiss.

We immediately raise our eyebrows
up to take in more of them.

We smile if we're happy.

We might even lean in or nod more.

All those things that we do when we
are happy are the things that we need

to harness to bring forth that warmth.

And a good internal check is, if you're
working with someone where you don't feel

that warmth, it is very hard to fake it.

So you have to find something that
you feel genuinely warm about.

Maybe it's a shared goal.

Maybe it's a shared personal thing
that you share outside of work.

Find the way to build the rapport
and then bring forth that instinctive

warmth that we already do naturally.

Matt Abrahams: In the academic
world, we call this immediacy, and

I like that term because immediacy
implies I'm immediately present.

I'm there for you.

And it can also imply urgency, and
having that can help a little bit.

But the notion that we have to think about
and explore things that we do have some

warmth and connection with the person can
really help us focus in those moments.

And we can all be thinking about our
warmth and competence that we demonstrate.

Thank you for joining us
for another episode of Think

Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.

It was great learning from Vanessa.

The one idea that really stood out to me
is that reducing friction in communication

isn't just about choosing the right words.

It's also about intentionally using
your non-verbal communication.

To learn more from Vanessa,
listen to episode 301.

You can also check out our back
catalog, which is full of helpful

communication tips and tools to
help you be a better communicator.

This episode was produced by Katherine
Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams.

Our music is from Floyd Wonder, with
special thanks to Podium Podcast Company.

Please find us on YouTube and
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