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A conversation about what challenges men— in love, in sex, and in money.
Welcome to another edition of the Manxiety podcast.
Today, we're gonna be talking about three, maybe four, if I throw it in, depending on how
I feel, hidden forces that essentially block you, stop you from being able to have
relationships that feel secure.
And this is for you if you are finding yourself in a should I stay or go?
scenario or you are still healing from a breakup.
There was a breakdown in a relationship dynamic.
You are now having facing a ruptured, what's called a ruptured attachment going through
the grief and the, the kind of essentially the, the attachment trauma of a breakup.
It honestly feels like death for a lot of people.
And you want to make sure that you don't keep repeating the pattern, repeating the cycle.
And what I want to share with you is a little bit of an insight for you on where these
patterns come from and three hidden blind spots that you might want to see, might want to
look at.
They're hidden forces because they're unconscious.
You don't know that they're happening.
Sometimes you don't even have any language to describe it.
By the way, if you haven't met me before, my name's Dr.
Nima Rahmany.
I'm a retired chiropractor and founder of the cycle breakers Academy for people who are
wanting to heal their insecure attachment, either the anxious or the avoidant and create
secure relationships that feel polarized, what I call conscious polarity.
So, on today's
episode, I really wanted to go through three, maybe four, if it comes through the hidden
forces that actually stop us from being able to create secure relationships with what I
call conscious polarity.
And it's really frustrating when you are experiencing relationships where you just don't
feel like you're connected, where you feel like you're alone, even if you've you're with a
partner, even if you've been married for 20 years, the experience feels like you're alone.
Like you're doing it by yourself.
Like the person doesn't see you, doesn't understand you, doesn't really care about your
feelings, and is constantly bringing up their own victim story every time you wanna
connect.
They don't have the capacity to hold on to your emotions.
They turn it around on you, and you go through what's called the anxious avoidance dance,
where...
your desire for connection, one of your desires for connection causes the other person to
feel overwhelmed and want to push away, which causes the anxious persons to get triggered
and try to pine after more connection, become more controlling, more frustrated, more
resentful.
And on the other side of this activation, their
attempts to connect are met with resistance and you're too sensitive.
You go do therapy.
Why don't you leave me alone and this, hate you push pull dynamic.
One minute you are like the most amazing thing at one time.
You were pedestalized as like God's gift to humanity and the savior of their lives.
And then the next minute or
within about six months to 18 months of the relationship, after that initial honeymoon
phase is over, you're now in the second phase called the power struggle phase, where
you're now not conscious and a conscious adult in the relationship, even if you're in your
50s and 60s, even if you're a grandparent as well.
Our oldest person in our community is an octogenarian.
She's 81 years old.
So.
Even if you're that old, even if you should be acting like a older type of person, you
find yourself stuck in these little immature high school drama filled dynamics.
And I want to bring some language to this experience.
If you resonate, let me know in the comments or DMS, if you can resonate with this, give
me your backstory.
I'm curious.
I'm listening.
I want to know what it's like for you because tell me if this is actually
if this resonates with you where it starts off in this initial, love bombing phase, this
is where you're pedestalizing one another and you call it love at first sight, but it's
not actually love at first sight.
You fall in love with yourself through the gaze of the other.
Right.
It's the initial kind of love, the initial phases of the trauma bond where
It's the love bombing, pedestalizing, and the narcissist and the codependent in these
trauma bonded dynamics, and by the way, you can flip back and forth depending on the
relational dynamic.
Usually the narcissist starts off anxiously attached, but as soon as the connection
happens, they switch to becoming the avoidant.
And the codependent one, if you're usually a boundary -less codependent people pleaser,
You are a perfect match for that type of partner.
And by the way, it's not just about men being the narcissist.
The woman can be the narcissist as well.
The woman, the female narcissist, very similar in my situation, doesn't do love bombing,
will use s*x bombing.
So love bombing by the man, s*x bombing by the woman, by the female.
And so what happens is that lowers the defenses
of the codependent in that moment.
And all of a sudden you fall in love not with the other person, but you fall in love with
the idealized version of yourself.
Okay, so this dynamic of this fantasy kind of like night and shining armor person that's
going to rescue me is a perfect storm
for a trauma bond to happen because it works out to be a co -rescuing operation where the
narcissist and the co -dependent strike a deal with one another.
And here's the deal.
They say, I'm gonna be the mother.
I'm gonna love you like the mother that you never had.
Right?
So this, the foundation of this relational dynamic in order to heal this, should I stay or
go dynamic, we have to teach people how to get to the root of it.
So we go back in time and see where this all began and it began in childhood.
The experience of your childlike self not feeling seen.
So it creates this fantasy of somebody down the road that in my relational dynamic is
going to fill the gaps that were implanted in this childhood dynamic where I wasn't seen.
And in the love bombing slash s*x bombing stage of the relationship, what happens is,
is you unconsciously strike a deal, the narcissist and the codependent, which are kind of
like mirror images of one another because there's codependency within the narcissist and
there's definitely narcissism, more like a covert narcissism in every codependent.
So there's always a mirror shadow reflection of one another, which is very confronting to
a lot of people because they usually, when they're kind of starting off in this journey
and they're
seeing other coaches and therapists, they're just used to saying they, he was the
narcissist.
They haven't gotten to that level of awareness that, wait a second, I'm not just the
victim here.
I can see myself as also having a part to play without putting blame on anybody.
But the people, if you're watching my content, it's because you've gone down that route
and you're ready to have more of a mature conversation
about responsibility rather than about fault and blame.
This is what I love about my audience is they've done all the narc abuse forums.
They've watched every video on narcissistic personalities, talking about their ex.
They've done all the therapies and the forums where they were living in victimhood.
And then they're like, wait, I'm not getting anywhere.
And then they find my work
It's confronting because what I do is I encourage people instead of putting pointing the
finger is to look back towards yourself to take that responsibility without blame so that
you can co -create a different relationship.
So this is why you're here.
And if it offends you, then you don't have to listen.
But if you're curious and willing to be activated and confronted, let's dive in a little
bit deeper, shall we?
And go over the three hidden forces.
that are causing this dynamic, the foundation being the love bombing.
And then after about six months to a year, that disappointment happens.
There's that experience that happens, which tests every relationship.
But when you're in a trauma bond, it is this massive disappointment, this depolarization
where the trust is broken and now you're confronted by these unconscious childhood
dynamics.
You now skip from the honeymoon phase to the next phase, where it's the power struggle
phase where the avoidant starts to feel engulfed.
I need space.
I need space.
This is too much.
Or this can happen after an argument, where you remind them of a parent figure and then
they feel like they have to be responsible.
Or it could happen after a beautiful, intimate encounter, after an orgasm,
after some sort of a real deep connection.
And what ends up happening is this experience of love and intimacy is f***ing terrifying
to our avoidant parts or even our parts that have anxious attachment.
These fear of abandonment parts, the two anxieties that are within all of us from
unresolved childhood patterns.
And now this fear of abandonment shows up,
gets activated because of a beautiful encounter, which then triggers this coping strategy
of avoidance or ultra controlling.
Whatever the case is, there is this depolarization, this one event that completely
disappoints and breaks the foundation of the fantasy and grounds you into a reality of
what the real reason why
intimate partnerships exist potentially, which is to help you heal these patterns if
you're willing to learn the skills.
So if you can relate to what I'm sharing so far, type in the chat, let me know.
I'm curious.
I want to give you the background because there's three hidden forces and I'm getting to
it now.
I'm just going to run through it really quick.
And then you let me know what came up for you in this.
How does this relate to you?
And the first one is because of those childhood dynamics,
The first hidden force that's blocking you is called enmeshment trauma.
Enmeshment is when there is no boundary between you and another person.
When there is no...
separation from their emotional state, their values with you, because of a childhood
dynamic you grew up with, which you had to eclipse and stomp over and break boundaries in
order to be connected.
You adapt by creating an identity that just fawns and people pleases and is ultra empathic
and is hypersensitive and hyper attuned to the moods of other people.
And this lack of boundary causes this hypersensitivity where you get triggered and now
their moods become your moods.
If there is no separation, it's great when the things are going amazing.
When things are high and you're doing amazing, it's f***ing awesome.
But when their mood shifts or they get triggered or activated, it's chaos for somebody
with unresolved enmeshment trauma.
I don't care if you've been doing feminine communication, polarized communication for two
years.
If you haven't dealt with this five years, even if you haven't dealt with this enmeshment
trauma, there's an unconscious complex that is paralyzing your chances of having a
successful relationship, which leads to number two.
Number two, because of that enmeshment trauma, it creates a culture of codependency where
you're dependent on fixing the other person, where you will abandon yourself to save and
rescue the other person
because their internal lack of safety, their depression, their addiction becomes your
responsibility and there's no separation and you have to eclipse yourself.
And ultimately it's unfulfilling because when you abandon yourself, you can't abandon
yourself without simultaneously creating a resentment.
So those with codependent are constantly living with resentment all the time.
feeling victimized, constantly basing your own moods on the other person.
I don't care if you've been doing polarized communication and feminine communication.
Five years I've been in polarity groups where people were learning the communication
without doing this work and they were struggling and it was a f***ing gong show.
So it's really important that all of your communication things you learn are done so on
the other side of healing those
and measurement patterns and codependency, which leads us to number three.
The third hidden force that's stopping you is what's called Freud called it repetition
compulsion.
Repetition compulsion is a compulsion within all of us to seek out partners that repeat
those patterns of a measurement and codependency, just like when we were children.
Why would that happen?
Why would there be such a cruel twist of fate?
Well,
I'm glad you asked.
I had asked myself that question after I healed from my last relationship, trauma bond,
and now I've created a secure relationship.
And I realized through the journey, cause it's a path to healing those things, it can't
happen overnight, but there is an unconscious desire for younger parts of you to seek
healing, for you to stop looking outside of you for validation and for you to heal those
missing pieces.
And until you do, if you don't, are forever seeking resolution outside of you going from
one narcissist to the other, from one rescue operation to another, from one damsel in
distress to another to validate your self worth as a man.
That was me.
Until you fully do the work and become trigger proof and then heal from a meshment trauma,
dismantle the codependency and break free from the pattern of the repetition compulsion.
You experience a sense of freedom.
You stop fawning and people pleasing.
All the feminine communication is actually becomes embodied.
And the relationships outside of you start to mirror the relationship that you're building
within yourself.
The enmeshment trauma, codependency and repetition compulsion.
Those are the hidden forces.
And hopefully this was a value to you.
If you are ready to do the practices and the neurosensory exercise and practices to break
free from this, send me a DM and what I'd like to know, or hit that reply, email me back.
Just email me.
Let me know what your backstory is and everything that you've tried, communication
courses, so that I can kind of look at it and see if there's any blind spots that I can
help you with.
If you've done the work, if you've done your practices, you've done the therapy, you've
invested in yourself, but you're still feeling stuck, then I would love to hear more.
And if you're open to hearing some blind spots of what could be missing in your journey,
I'm happy to share with you with under no obligation whatsoever.
It's been a great market research for me because it helps me direct the content that I'm
sharing with people.
And the conversations I've had have been super duper amazing because I get to meet people
who've been following my work sometimes three or four years and just to hear them, you
know, share their appreciation.
It's totally worth it.
And, I'm opening up some spaces in my calendar for the right person who
is willing to share with me their backstory, what they've tried and why it's important to
them.
Why is this now an important situation?
How has this been impacting your children?
Because lack of meshment trauma, unwittingly, you could be the greatest, try to be the
greatest mother, greatest father, but with a meshment trauma, we become a mesh with our
children.
And then they start to mimic the same patterns.
And so I'm committed to those
who are willing to go deeper, to look in a mirror rather than trying to point fingers and
blame the other person, who's willing to throw away the word blame and fault and actually
joyfully, playfully with a lot of fun and doesn't mind the odd F -bomb here and again once
in a while, send me a DM.
I'd love to hear from you and tell me what specifically questions you have and I'd like to
make more content for you.
See you at the next perfect time.