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The Commonality Podcast explores what it means to do our best in today’s messy beautiful world. Hosted by Pilar, a personal and professional coach, we dive into it all with a mix of honesty, humor, and heart. Whether it’s solo musings, breaking down weird astro sh*t, or listening to guest stories, this is your space to remember this life is non linear and you're not alone.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (00:00.162)
Awesome. right, well, welcome everyone to the Commonality podcast. What's going on? I got my girl here, Felicia. I'm so excited to have her on. There's a woman I've been following her story for a while. She's just, don't give me that look. She's inspiring. How funny is that we do that, right? When everybody like speaks, you know, good about us, we're like, no, shut up. I'm lying. It's like, why do we do that to ourselves? But it's true.
It's true. Felicia is an incredible woman who's overcome a lot. She is the quintessential survivor, beast mode, like embracing the journey. And I'm just, so happy to have you here, Felicia. I'm excited too. Yay. So a big reason why I wanted to have you on besides everything that we've talked about, I just said, you know, is like, is definitely, I think the grace with which you have
you know, embraced your journey and being vulnerable. You know, you've got three kids, you've got one hell of a story that's definitely, you know, inspiring, I think, not just for yourself, right? Because when you look back, you're like, damn, like, good on me. Anybody who sees you, it's like, wow, like, you know, you're just, you're just light. You just bring light into the room and any time, you know,
words come out of your mouth. just feels so like soft and cuddly and like speak to me, you know, speak to me gently, sweetly. Yeah. And, and so, yeah, I just, you know, want to provide this space to kind of talk about your journey and then talk about like whatever else comes up. But obviously, you know, I feel like this is just an opportunity really to celebrate you and.
And to give us as viewers and listeners an opportunity to share in your journey because there's so much that's relatable in what you've experienced. And a lot of things that you've come out of is a lot of the inspiration that a lot of folks need to kind of realize that it's possible. can survive, you can get past the hurdles and the mountains and all those things. Yeah, and once you get to that frame of mind,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (02:20.14)
you have no fear of what's next. You're to that point where you're not scared of what's going to happen next. You're not scared of things are going to go wrong because you've always making it through it. Yeah, yeah, 100%. And I feel like that's like kind of a constant theme with us whenever we talk to it's just like, yeah, it's just like, it's, all about moving forward. And yes, you have this frame of reference of the past, but it's like also what helps inform like, okay,
It's that perspective. It's like, all right, it's not what it used to be or not where we were. We've come a long way and all right, now what are the next steps? And every time you just kind of need to like recalibrate and just be like, okay, I got this. I wish I had that feeling five, six years ago, rather than thinking, my life is going to end when world's falling apart. But now,
It's like, okay, what's next? Yeah, yeah, totally. And yeah, when you're in it, when you're deep in the throes, right, of that pit that just feels like, where's my out? You know, and I feel like a lot of people, and I tell, I tell, this is like my, I feel like the two hardest positions to be in. One is when you know you need to make.
a different decision or you need to make a decision that's going to take you away from the path that you're on, you know that. It speaks to every cell of your being. like, know what I have to do, but every physical part of your body doesn't want to move in that direction, even though you know what the path ahead is. And a lot of that has to do with relationships, with jobs, with things where we have a commitment.
Right. And we basically, we know we have to break that commitment in some way. Right. And those are the hardest. I feel like those are one of the hardest positions to be in. You know, you're like this ain't this can't last. This cannot be. Now, I've definitely been at that point where, OK, I know this is not going to be long term or this is not going to stay this way. It's almost like, when are you going to stand up and get the strength to do something about it? Because my experience is
Pilar Lyutfalieva (04:41.4)
The times when I didn't do something about it, something was done to force me to do it. So now I've got that, you know, I have in the back of my head, okay, you need to change it or it's gonna be changed in a way that's gonna be a lot harder and you're not gonna like the way it was done. So it's really stepping up, especially when you get that gut feeling, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm not supposed to be doing this, but you got to make that change.
Yeah, 100%. And ain't that the truth though? Like if you don't make that decision, like things will only get harder. It will get harder. And I feel like the outcome is more serious. It's more dramatic. You know, it's not as easy as if you had just done something about it nine months prior, two months prior. It's something that has to blow up in your face.
I'm trying to give you clues and you haven't seen it. So we're going to blow it up and do a fireworks show. you literally, literally, I feel like it's like every moment you don't do something or you had an opportunity, you had an end, but you didn't do it. It's like, okay, here's another spoonful of like, like keg powder, right? That we're adding to the bomb. Okay. Here's another spoonful. Okay. Okay. Here's another spoonful. Okay. And almost when you realize, my God, that's exactly it.
Yeah, yeah for real for real and that's what like I love too is that you know, we really have to have grace with ourselves which I feel like you've demonstrated when it comes to feeling like I have stuck with this for far too long Right, which all of us have experienced right? We all have that feeling or have had that experience where we go I stuck around for way too long
Right? Why didn't I cut it off sooner? Why didn't I give myself a chance earlier? Because it wouldn't have been as hard or maybe my self-esteem or maybe my frame of reference wouldn't be so broken. Right? Or my foundation wouldn't be so hurt or I wouldn't be so traumatized. We have that in you even like, cause we all go through that. You're like, that's right.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (07:00.374)
I did stick around for too long, but you know what? Like here I am, I'm showing up and now you're like totally embracing that freedom, that growth and being like, what's up bitches? Yes. That piece, that piece that gets bored a little now and then, but you're like, okay, I prefer bored. Any day of the week. Yes. That is huge. Right?
when you can finally accept that boredom is not less appetizing. Yeah. I had to get at first, it's funny, when things first calmed down in my life, and I was like, this is boring. I don't like this. I don't like my life. I was like, Felicia, you need to re-press what you think life is. Because, I mean, what do you want? Chaos, drama, trauma and everything?
No, we're going to stick with boredom and we're going to find ways to enjoy it, embrace it, know, find ways to, okay, you're not so bored, but you're appreciating that peaceful stage. 100%. It becomes peace. It becomes peace. It's such a huge, it's a journey in and of itself, right? To like accept that you're allowed to experience peace in that.
Shit doesn't need to be constantly on fire. There doesn't need to be some sort of dramatic distraction all the time because that's what we're so used to. Yes. Yes. And when you're used to it, it's almost like scratching nails on a chalkboard when it's new and you're getting settled in that new state of mind because it's like, I can't handle this. But you have to keep reminding yourself you don't want to go back.
to that. Do you really want to go back there? Do you? Which one you prefer? Right. And what's interesting about that process too is like, it really is a process because you're, you may, you know, in deep layers manifest the same patterns to come back, which is what is like totally natural and normal. That's what we do.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (09:26.7)
You know, it's like you're gonna fall off. You're going to, you know, have those opportunities to revisit and be like, is this what you, the universe is going like, is this really what you want? Because you need to make a hundred percent commitment to where you're going versus where you were. It's definitely a process. Cause like when you sit in that, that in to me, that initial stage of peace, you may be bored. You may be lonely. You may.
starting to feel a little depressed because it's something that you're not used to. And it really took, for me speaking, to sit there and say, this is not my story. This is not going to be me where I have to live in that drama over and over again, that cycle that I can't get out of. it was like, even with, for me, and I know it's not for everybody, but even for depression, I was like, nope, we're getting out of bed. We're not going to fall in this. We're going to learn to embrace this new
It's almost like a new life, a new beginning. I keep getting the death card. You know, I've seen the death card. I love the death card. Death card's my favorite. Exactly. It's like, okay, you have to embrace this new life. It's like a whole new life experience. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, the death card, it's so funny that you mentioned it because death card is for sure my favorite card in the whole tarot deck. Death card just gets me excited.
And then when you read for people and they get the death card, if they don't know, they're just like, no, it literally means like, bye-bye old, hello new. But what are you holding onto that's ready to just die? It's ready, it's composted and it's ready to be put back into some new plants.
Like, what, you know what I mean? Like, what is it? Like, it's time to have some realness, some real talk with yourself. Yeah, you have to release things. It's like that death card to me is like releasing the old. Almost to give a visual, you can't let a new energy in your body, in your system, if you're holding on to that dark energy that you used at. So you have to let it die. Let it go.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (11:50.858)
Say thank you for the experiences, the learning lessons and everything. So you can make space for the new. And that's really what it was. The deck part is, it's a transformational card. It's awesome. Absolutely. Absolutely. I even get excited about the tarot or the tower. I do too. People get scared with the tower. And I think, I really think it depends on what deck you're using, but. that's true. That's a good point. Sometimes it's very dramatic.
To me, mostly the tower is things have to fall apart to be put back together right. We create a new foundation. It's an opportunity for a new start. That's those fireworks I was talking about. Right. That's exactly it. That's exactly it. It's like, if you want that bomb can either be like super depressing or it can be a celebration. can be like, my God, it's a party, right? It's a New Orleans
Funeral, right? It's time to celebrate. Okay, what was and it is on its way out, right? Yeah, 100%, 100%. And I feel like, especially with the tower, there is that feeling of, it's very much like Thor's hammer. It's got a lot of like Kali, the Hindu goddess.
And she and Kali, a lot of people think of as just destruction, but she's a lot like Thor. She's the destroyer and she's also the rejuvenator, right? She brings life into things because you can't have life unless there's death first. And that's why you have to break something down first before you can rebuild it. And that's the key, right? Is rebuild. It's like, yes, it's going to be something beautiful and new. And, you know, it's like,
It's time to say goodbye. It's great. Something, look at it as something with a sturdier foundation, something stronger. We have to tear down old buildings, you know, to make something better, better for that place. So basically what it's doing is tearing down stuff that's falling apart, no longer good, no longer relevant, and rebuilding something strong foundation, something sturdy, something that can last longer. that's what
Pilar Lyutfalieva (14:13.698)
That's what all those life lessons are. Yeah, 100%. It's recognizing the fault and the foundation. And it's going, hey, before you get any further, let's start new because this wasn't built well, right? This isn't the foundation that you deserve. 100%.
So I love that you're also, so you do tarot readings, you're also a powerful empath, and you're practicing, you say you're practicing your mediumship, but you're like a really good medium. I still consider it practicing, but I don't think it's practicing anymore, because sometimes it comes out of nowhere when I'm doing it for somebody. And I'm like,
do you know somebody that's normally smells like this or something? I'm like, well, they're here. So I think I was guided. was like, okay, we're going to get you to stop practicing and consider yourself to be a medium. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, I feel like that definitely happens for me in, session as well. It's one of those things where if somebody, you know, somebody can ask obviously, so they want to talk to someone specifically. Okay, cool. You know, if they want to come through,
they will, you but most of the time it's like, have like some family members here and if you don't mind, apparently like we have to go through like each one. You have somebody here and they're like banging telling me to tell you this. Let me get this message out to you so they can leave me alone and go home. my God, for real. yeah, for people who don't.
know that feeling. It's like someone knocking on the door. And, but you're also going like, did someone knock on the door? You know, and then being like, okay, I don't know, but like, this is what I'm getting and da da da da da. Like, is this resonating at all? And they're like, my God, like my aunt just passed away two months ago or whatever. And it's like, okay. Well, she's like really annoying.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (16:30.496)
And is she like this and is this her person? my God, she's totally like that. Okay, cool. So she wants me to let you know, right? And a lot of it is that sort of, okay, I'm not sure, but I'm going out on a limb here. It really is going out on a limb. And sometimes I'm saying something, I'm like, okay, you're gonna think I'm crazy because this does not make sense. And they're like, my God, Felicia.
I'm like, I don't even know if that word has ever been used in my vocabulary, but that's the word that I use. I love it. Yeah, yeah, totally, totally. What's your favorite kind of sessions to have? like when someone comes to you and you're able to be of support to them, is there like a particular area that you really love to kind of focus on if you can? I love to focus on, okay.
One, I love when I do readings and I tell people not to ask me a question that I always, I like to start off with what general guidance, what general message do I have for you? I for you because sometimes we're focused on something when that shouldn't really be our focus. And then it kind of goes from there and it never fails. kind of goes on. It's funny to people that gravitate towards me.
It goes to something that they need to work on within themselves. Something to heal themselves, working on their self-confidence, working on, like we were just talking about, walking away and releasing things before they explode. I love doing readings like that. And I love being able to help and talk to, and it's mostly women that come to me about how to get started on that journey. I love that. Yeah.
100%. I think that we definitely, you know, the right clients find us for sure. And, you know, sometimes in the beginning, especially it might be like, well, why am I getting these clients? I don't want to, you know, the questions about relationships, is he cheating? da da. Like this is like a, like a, this is an inside joke for everyone who is an intuitive reader or like, you know,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (18:48.73)
you know, any sort of spiritual guidance. There's a lot of relationship questions that come up. And in the beginning, it becomes one of those things where it's like you're just kind of starting out and those tend to be kind of the first wave, I feel like, of a lot. And then as you start to get your footing, you start to realize like your value and the things that you really like to talk about. Those people just find you. All of sudden you're like, yeah, this, want more of this. Yeah.
And it's weird how that it's crap. It's your energy. You're pulling in the people that you need. Definitely get the repeat relationship questions where it's every other day they have the same question as somebody going to come back. That's what got me to the point where I was like, okay, no questions. You're cut off. And I'm going to say, I used to be guilty of this. I, we all were.
person, so fixated on one person. And I'm like, okay, but what's gonna happen? Is this gonna happen? Just so you care, just so you love me. But then that's when I thought, I wish somebody would have told me, Felicia, you need to look at yourself. You need to look at the words. This is what you need to work on yourself. And you'll be able to break that cord that ends with that person. Though it's not a matter of if they love you. Once you work on yourself, you may not even want them. Right. Totally. Totally. Well, and it's funny because
Because I agree, think it's, the more you get comfortable in your craft and in your ability to channel for people or just be of service to people, you really see the whole individual as opposed to the question. The question is normally like just the topical. And it doesn't really strike deep down into the, you know, below the surface of what it is that they're.
actually asking for what they're actually needing most of the time. And I agree, like whenever I read for someone, it's always what serves their highest and greatest good in the highest and best way, right? What is the message? What is the message that serves them in the highest and best way? And girl, I was there too. my God, I would, I had some boys in my life, let me tell you, where I was like, finally, will it happen? What the hell?
Pilar Lyutfalieva (21:15.502)
look back and this was before I even started reading tarot. I've been into it and I would get reading and I would look back, that's like, you were a little crazy back then. Yeah, you're crazy. You're a bad client. Bad client. I'm so happy I evolved from that, but yeah, definitely was. Yeah, yeah. It humbles you. It humbles you. You know what I mean? That's ultimately what's happening because we're able, we've gone through it ourselves and life is a process of growth. Like we've all done embarrassing things. We've all fucked up.
Like we've all done something where like, I'm not going to write home about that one. Right? Like we've all been in that boat. And so it allows for, especially when you're in a position of service to be more humble and accepting and compassionate towards people who are in that same boat. So, you know, and it allows you to say, Hey, I'm going to put some boundaries on you because that's what you need. Right. And instead of this, I'm going to tell you, Hey, you should be getting excited about yourself. Right. And you're.
spending all this energy on this individual, right? When that can go one way or another, honest to God, right? And a lot of these relationships, it's like, it could go one way or the other. It could definitely, like most likely, it's not gonna work out, but it's more so because you're burying yourself in this relationship. And if you had more excitement about yourself and your own path,
then you would see this relationship for what it is. an opportunity to learn a particular lesson, that's normally what I focus on. That's always what comes up. It's like, okay, well, why is this relationship happening? Why are they experiencing this? What's going on here? Because it obviously is affecting them. So what's the purpose? Because there's always a purpose, even when it's a terrible, toxic...
why did I have to go through that lesson to learn that? Wasn't there an easier way? no, it's never. You wouldn't have taken the test if it was that way. So that's why you have to do it this way. And that's what happens. It's something that's going to get your attention, which is normally related to your heart, for you to go through the process so you can learn the test.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (23:38.614)
I know I had somebody and a lot of tarot readers say this. You want the type of relationship you don't need a reading on. that's so, so. Love that. That's so true because I can sit here and tell you this man loves you. Right. But he loves Becky and Karen and it's fun as well. So I can do that. So it's not a matter of if he loves you. Right. Everybody hopping on that twin flame stuff.
so great. the twin flame. And I can tell you, you know, it intrigued me at first, you know, learning about it and everything. Looking back, the biggest lesson or thing that comes out of the twin flame relationship is putting your energy and focusing and healing yourself. That is the biggest thing. So whether this person you're with is your twin flame or not. Right.
focus on yourself, either you're going to level up and find a better person or it's going to be the right person that's going to stay with you. I love that. Yeah. Yeah. The twin flame thing is so funny. I remember I was in this group of readers and this guy, was like, put a disclaimer. He was like, by the way, I'm allergic to twin flame readings. I was like, I was like, that is genius.
To be clear, it is possible to be in a relationship and a forever relationship with a twin flame. It's possible. But it shouldn't be what you want to manifest. What you want to manifest is your forever partner in the highest and best way as it serves your highest and greatest good. If you're manifesting specifically a soulmate or specifically a twin flame, you can have multiple soulmates.
Right? And your twin flame has a very specific purpose. It's that it is, it's a flame because it ignites something within you. It awakens you in some way, or form, however you need it. A lot of people have different experiences, but ultimately it's this like electricity. It's just like, just feel yourself open in some way that you, it's like a key unlocking you. Right? And so you're able to just kind of almost fully embrace
Pilar Lyutfalieva (25:58.186)
unapologetically parts of yourself that even may feel shameful afterwards. You go, my God, like girl, who is that? Who came out? Because I was spicy. But you need that to be like, this is my spectrum, right? This is my spectrum. And I saw that in someone else and I love that in someone else. And I saw that mirror and I saw that just that inspiration.
You know what mean? So it's something we can, you we should want to experience in our lives, but it isn't something that we should be wanting to manifest as our forever partner because that's not necessarily two things that are going to be definitive truths. Yeah. You know? And you said it right. What is best for my highest and greatest good? Because sometimes that other person isn't ready for you. Highest and greatest good.
But if you continually to focus on yourself and work on yourself, you're going to find, you're going to get to that mindset where you're not going to accept less than what you deserve. It's like, you're going to start to see your worth. You may have not seen it your whole lifetime, but when you start to work on yourself, you recognize your worth. You're not going to let anybody in. That's not being with you. Whether it's soulmate, a twin flame or Joe around the street.
You're not going to let anybody in that's not worth meeting you. And you said that mirror exercise, that mirror exercise, you know, mirroring your relationships was one of the best things I ever learned. And I use that in all relationship is whenever something is like setting me bothering me anything. And I normally would react. I pulled back and I look in the mirror and I'm like, okay, what aspect of me
is in this situation that's bothering me right now, because it's something that I need to work on because I don't like it in them. And every time I find something. 100%, 100%. That is my philosophy in everything, in relationship as a global universal term, right? My relationship in driving this car with all these other people on the road, my relationship with
Pilar Lyutfalieva (28:20.96)
you know, standing in line and going grocery shopping. If there's something that annoys me, if there's something that triggers me, I immediately ask like, what in me did I see in that situation? Or it's kind of like with our kids, right? And I tell people, I'm like, kids are ignorant, they're arrogant, they're raw, they are unapologetic, and they are triggering because
They don't have any of the trauma that we had. anything that triggered us in a child, like when you see a child break down and cry, when you see a child want something, when you see a child even acting cutesy and da da, if there's something that gets triggered within you that you feel like that's annoying, like that's your shit. Right? Your mini me. Exactly. Exactly. It could even be other kids, but it's like,
Yeah, it's your mini me is talking to you and going like, remember when your mom told you to shut up because you're not that cute? Remember when you got smacked upside the head because you just stood there and, you know, touch something you weren't supposed to? Right? Like all those things start to come back to you, maybe not in exact words, but the feelings come up. Right. And so
100 % mirroring in everything. It's like, what in me am I seeing that is unsettled within myself? It's having that awareness. And like you said, it's relationships, family, with work. I do that. My full-time job, I work with an HR in a county. I do it with people. They want to call with their problems and stuff, and I get annoyed.
I like, again? different it is with the workplace, they're acting like kids and then being a reader and, you know, motivating somebody. But I always look at it, I'm like, OK, why am I getting annoyed? OK, Felicia, you did that stuff when you were 22 years old as well. That's still a part of you. you know, you may still do that in different ways. So it's that awareness of, OK.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (30:44.994)
I'm gonna have to fix that on myself so that way it does not bother me. So it is, it's almost like a pause in patience. Yeah, 100%. It really is. it really, really is. And I feel like, you know, even going on like the kid track, you know, I definitely don't blame people who don't want to have kids. I think I like highly encourage that you do not need children to like adult or be successful in your life.
But having kids, one of the benefits is like a lot of healing happens when you have kids. A lot of healing because it's really easy to be like, I'm just gonna be in my own little corner. I'm gonna have my routine. I'm gonna ignore, you know, things when I don't know, don't need it, right? There's like that extreme boundaries that happens where you just kind of shut off certain parts of yourself.
And I think the universe still brings in opportunities for you to work on yourself for sure, obviously. But with children, it's like you cannot escape it. cannot escape it. No, you can't escape it. And it's like no matter how far you are on your healing journey, just when you think, OK, I've kind of overcome this, I've come over that, I've overcome that.
I've eliminated toxic people in my life, so I'm not gonna have to worry about being triggered like that. And then your child comes along. then... You're like, what the... I thought I worked on that and I thought I worked on that and I thought I worked on that. Exactly. And your child comes along and does it and it's like, okay, they wanna see if you barely pass the test or if you're acing it. Yeah, there is no in between. Cause as soon as you're like barely, you're just like...
holding on by the skin of your teeth, just like, okay, I'm losing it, bye. Embrace it. And you know, one of the biggest realizations when your kids start coming in and you know, when they're at that age, yeah, when they're little, they do little things. It's those teenage years when they're going through there, when it really starts to trigger different aspects of you. But when that happens,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (33:07.468)
and you start to see parts of your parents coming out and you...
huge eye opener. And you're like, okay, I hated the way they did this. That's why I said pause and patience is one of my biggest... Sometimes I'll be like, man, I want to snatch him. So you didn't take that too well as a child. It took several years for you to get over that. How are we going to handle this differently? And work on you.
And pray that over there, he kind of works on, you know, and I talk to my kids about stuff. My kids know about healing. They know about being mindfulness and being aware of their actions and everything. So I talk to them about that. So me and my oldest, I'll be like, look, I'm going to go over here and meditate on this. You go over there and meditate on this. Gather after we calm down. I love that. That's amazing. That's so good.
You know, it's beautiful that you can do that with your kids because also, you know, we like to think that our kids are compatible with us, but not everybody has kids that are compatible with them. You know, there can be kids that you're just like, don't, you know, if you're really, you know, more extroverted or more, you know, you can find your words more easily. You can have kids that maybe don't find their words easily. They get frustrated and they go inward and you can feel like, hey, it's your fault, but
At the end of the day, when you can have that meeting at that kind of like meet on their level and you can communicate and know kind of where they're coming from and feel that in that intuitively feel that space. It's beautiful. It's so productive. But when you don't have that, which I feel like is what is going to happen with my daughter for sure. feel like I have much more mind meld with my son, but my daughter, she's like kind of on a different planet.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (35:07.406)
And she's definitely she's definitely got a lot more feminine energy. She's a lot more. She's just got a lot of qualities that I she's allowed me to kind of awaken in myself now as an adult. But there's still things where I'm like, I shouldn't laugh when she does that because she's going to get complex. I think it's hilarious. But she's going to she's going to wake up in one day and be like.
you were always a bitch to me because you would laugh at me. I'd be like, but I was, was thought I just, was cute. No, no, no, no, no. You hurt my feelings and da da da. So when you can have that mind meld and you can communicate and there's not so much misunderstanding and you're kind of like, yes, I get what you're trying to say. And we're kind of like feeding back into the conversation equally. It's, it's amazing. It's beautiful. It's everything. And there's definitely a difference between
having the mother daughter relationship and the mother and relationship. And I can't say I get, mean, with my boys, they're very much mama's boys. I can break it down to that. Sometimes I'm harsh. I'm like, you don't get this. And then in the next second, I love you and I hope you have a great day. my God, for real. my God. That's exactly like my son and I. I'm like, did you, did you hear me?
Okay, because you know I love you, right? You know this is coming from love. Okay? You understand that, right? Like I would die for you. Okay? You're like, all right, get out of here. Have a great day. You're amazing. I love you. Go. It'll be great. The little girl. That's a whole other story. And she was a sass. My daughter, even with my daughter is about to be 13. She has Down syndrome. I was not expecting the sass.
and stole much of me to come out in her. So back to doctors when she was born and say, y'all told me this wasn't gonna happen. She's not any of this. And she is very much the little preteen deep, something about daughters and I kind of even looking at my relationship with my mother, we're complete different. We didn't know how to communicate and handle with each other. With this little girl, and I feel like I got lucky.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (37:32.108)
because it's not as difficult. And I think that's part to her disability. then for certain things she comes out and I'm like, whoa. I'm like, I thought I was over this. I thought nobody was gonna ever do this to me again. And here's a little girl doing it to me again. my God, totally, totally. Yeah. And you have to realize like they're their own little human beings. They're their own little personalities. got their own little world.
Which is a whole other part of the parenting journey of like, you can't control these people after a certain point. And even when they're little, you kind of, still can't control them. It's your, you're literally just there as like a spotter and like there to provide guidance and make sure they don't die. Like that's pretty much it. Y'all don't die, fall off a cliff or anything. Y'all are just. Yeah.
Know that fire is hot. Know that, you know, you should put on a jacket when it's cold. Like certain basic things like, like, you know, try not to hurt yourself. Don't kill yourself. These things will hurt you. But ultimately, everything else, they have their own stuff. Yeah. And each one is an individual, no matter how similar your kids are. Normally there are similarities because y'all are, they're brought up in the same household. It's different. And something I did or
I read somewhere one day, everybody's onto the five love languages about their relationships. You have to figure out your kid's love language too. It's a matter of this is how I love as a mother. You have to learn, okay, how does your son or how does your daughter need to feel love? Because each kid is different. So the five love languages was a good one to...
kind of incorporate with parenting once you learn or you kind of get to know your kid. But once they're older and their personality comes out and you know what they need, because every kid, even my grandmother said this one time, she has six kids. She said, you got to learn how to love your child and what they need from you because every kid needs something different. Love that. Yeah, it's so true. It's so true. Yeah, because for instance, like my oldest,
Pilar Lyutfalieva (39:48.578)
When he was little, he was a cuddle bug. Like he just wanted to always cuddle. He always wanted to be held. And we would, we would, that was the joke, right? Like you could be suffocating him and he'd be happy. He'd be like, yay, I'm on the edge of death. Yay. Right? Like it was like, he just wanted to always be close and touching, right? Athena, girl. Like when she was born, she was like, only hold me as much as you need to, but like get off of me.
And she would literally like turn away. We try to kiss her and, and then she was getting older, right? Like we try to hold her and she literally like pushes away. was, my God. It was like, it was the joke. It was like, that was the whole thing. It was like, you know, and there now she's more cuddly, but she's, it's really not, it's still on her terms. It's when she wants. And
Of course, there's a whole layer of like girls and how we like want them to be cuddly and, you know, give them a hug goodbye, give them a kiss goodbye. Right. And like trying not to do that, even when you know, like you shouldn't do that. It's so hard, but it's like you do. You have to learn like where what are my child's own comfort zones to help them explore those things, you know, while also balancing etiquette, while also balancing the needs of the child.
I know people who have kids who they're extremely introverted, extremely introverted to the point where some people would be like, my God, those kids, they don't talk, they don't say hi, da da da da. And there was kind of two schools of thought. was like, well, somebody needs to tell those kids that they need to be more social, that they need to be more polite. And then there's the other school of thought where it's like, but they're clearly uncomfortable.
Right? And they clearly don't want to. So at what point are you forcing your child to do something they don't want to and you're and teaching them and balancing or teaching them good etiquette or whatever. Right. But you have that's the plight of the parent is like that's your job is to create that environment where you're essentially working with your child to.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (42:07.078)
Figure out how do they need to be loved? How do they need to feel safe or what do they need to feel safe? Yeah, that's like another job for a mother is almost like a child psychologist you have to learn In order and my biggest thing for me was I wanted to learn certain things So my kids didn't go through what I went through. I didn't want to make the same mistakes or Raise my kids the same way my parents did and
My two boys, the first one cried all the time. Like I had to have him in that little papoose thing. He was around 24 seven or he was screaming. He was up under me 24 seven. The second one, don't touch him. Right. mean, they're both still like that. The other one wants to be up under you when he's here. That second one, he wants his space.
And I've had family members sit there and tell me, Felicia, your kids aren't social. They're so quiet, you know, that they don't come and engage and everything. And I looked at it, my kids are different. You know, my kids are different. My mom will sit here and say, your kids are so weird. First that used to just, you know, get under my skin. And I got to the point where, well, we're all weird, you know, we're all weird.
how to teach my kids, let's embrace our individuality, let's embrace our weirdness. They're keeping up with the Jones or trying to be like everybody at school, they're their own individuals, they're being themselves. And is that something that we weren't able to do as kids? So I'm happy my kids are able to do that. Yeah, you strike on a really important topic, which is like being different.
and embracing that. And the reality is that it's a lot harder and the road is definitely more difficult, but it is actually ultimately better in the long run. think your personal intuition, because I feel like everyone is ultimately different. Like even being a neurotypical is not like atypical. It's very common.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (44:32.568)
to be neurodivergent, right? It's very common, but we have like as a society, we wanna put things in boxes, we want to fit things to a mold so that it's easier to fit those boxes into other boxes, into other boxes, right? Cause then we can organize everybody. But the reality is that like everyone is different in their own way. Not everybody learns the same way, not everyone talks the same way, not everyone processes data the same way, right?
everyone has some sort of uniqueness to their own composition. And that's hard. And I feel like it's definitely easier to embrace our own personal weirdness and differences now versus 10 years ago versus 20 years ago, 30 years ago, 50 years ago, 100 years ago. It feels like it's definitely getting easier, but it's still...
It's still a journey. It's still difficult because you're having to kind of constantly be evaluating the status quo. And if that works for you, and a lot of times it's not going to. And because of that, you're going to be up against a lot of, you know, it's sort of like, well, what are you doing? And you're weird and this is different. And it's going to feel like, what am I doing? Why am I so difficult?
But I feel like in the end, it creates a deeper intuitiveness, self-intuitive, self-knowing that a lot of people don't realize until later in life when they go, I am so sick and tired of doing what everybody else wants me to do. I'm so tired of like not even knowing what I want because I never gave myself what I wanted to begin with. You know?
No, I understand exactly what you're saying. That's like for my kids, I'm glad they're learning. They're embracing that side of themselves in their teens. Rather than my boat, I would go be around my family so much where everybody is alike to the point where I was called the milkman's child because I didn't even look like them. So it was always that feeling of not fitting in, not embracing my...
Pilar Lyutfalieva (46:54.722)
I never felt comfortable embracing my differences. Not just in the part of looks, I would have rather been, had a book in my hand rather than doing something that everybody else was doing. I was just, and it was weird. I used to get so insulted when somebody would say, Felicia, your kids are just weird. Y'all are just different. So now, I actually introduced myself.
Like somebody knew I was getting along and I said, just excuse that. I'm just weird. And they're like, Felicia, don't call yourself weird. I said, well, I am and I'm okay with that. We've been like, I'm weird and I like it. We've gotten to the point, me and my kids, because we heard it so much where, okay, we're just gonna make up our own definition. That's unique. Okay, we're different, but in a unique way, in a positive way, we're just different. What else is like that?
Like I was explaining to my kids one day, a unicorn. A unicorn is different, but it's unique in its own special way. So- I love that. That's awesome. Yeah, totally. and you know, as families, especially when there's a collective unit and of course this is, I feel like maybe everyone feels like they're a little bit different in their family, but I have a tendency to be friends and know people that-
they were the black sheep, right? Like they were the different ones. They were the weirdos, right? And it really matters how that was framed in your family and how you take it. Because in my family, I always felt like the different one for sure, besides being the youngest, but also I was the darkest one in the family. And so they would, you know,
But the good thing was that I had my mom and my sister, mainly my sister, right? They would always love my color, right? They would always be like, Billy, we love your complexion. They would be like, and they would kind of embrace that. And I always felt really good, especially where we were growing up, which were in predominantly like very white areas, like North Dakota.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (49:14.526)
And, you know, and then later on when we were in, you know, my father was in the military and being Mexican in the military around the seventies and eighties, it was, you know, it was really dicey. Latinos were not in, you know, in the military. was either, you know, predominantly white or black families. And so we always connected with the other black families because we'd be able to find more common ground there. But even then, you know, you're kind of like in between. And so there's kind of like this
you're feeling different, but like how is that being framed in your mind, in your mindset, especially as you're growing older. And, know, it is one of those things where very easily if I didn't have that sort of very, very like passive support from my family, from my mom and my sister, you know, embracing that quality of mine, because I know my dad wasn't.
My dad was like, this ain't my kid. But because of that, if I had just focused and had just seen the difference between myself and the community, definitely would have felt very, it would have felt worse. And I already had that, feeling of being different. when you as a family, you can get something, even just an iota of a positive comment around your difference, it's everything, it's everything.
It's everything. makes a difference. You know, my difference, I was teased about it and that created a lot of the stuff that I had to work on decades later. Yeah. My family is more of your complexion and dark hair. My family is mixed. Some are, my family is mixed with black, French, Spanish and Indian. Some are darker.
a lot darker. My great grandmother used to bring me and my cousin. He was a little chocolate baby. I was a little white, blue-eyed, roly-poly until he ever cleansed. Yeah. I love it. I love it. Black chocolate and dark chocolate and white chocolate. In the 80s, in the early 80s, that was a huge thing. We were both born 79. That was a huge, something you didn't see every day. That's what I grew up around.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (51:38.856)
Creole and African-American culture is what I grew up knowing. So, and then everybody, even my siblings were more tan complexion, had a little more olive in their skin. I was always teased, always. And that makes that feeling of difference amplified because of your facial features. I was the only one with the colored eyes that went back two generations.
you don't fit in because you don't look like anybody. Especially when you're teased about it, it's like you're not accepted. It really starts to affect your self-esteem and how you feel and view beauty or attractiveness because you see your family and everybody, your family is so beautiful, but you look different from them. It's really something
I guess I kind of missed where I was going with it. You were hit on all sides, right? It wasn't just societally, right? Where it was something different. And then people going like, are you a part of this family? Are you not a part of this family? Right? That's societally. And then you have it inside the family as well, where people are like, like teasing, teasing the color of your skin, right? So you're getting it from all angles. I got it from all angles, from family.
school years, not being accepted by anybody. And, it really took to, it got to the point where I had to, you know, step back and accept me because I knew it wasn't going to be accepted anywhere else. And over time, now the family's all mixed up and everybody looks like me and everybody else. you see the mixed features are more acceptable now than they were.
40 years from now when it wasn't common. It wasn't as common for somebody with African-American ancestry to come out looking like me back then, whereas now you kind of see it all the time. You know the time. Yeah. And it's true. I mean, I had a lot of friends like that growing up where they were mixed and they would either be raised by the white side of their family or they'd be raised by the black side of their family. And they always had that feeling of like, I'm not black enough. I'm not white enough.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (54:06.082)
And, you know, and, you know, I have a couple of friends growing up where, you know, because there would be limited brown kids and, you know, we just resonate with each other and we'd make jokes with each other about our skin. But in a way where it was like they couldn't get that kind of comedy relief with their family because there wasn't that commonality, there wasn't that sort. was like, where'd you go? sorry.
That's okay. I'm scared to get out of the screen now. good. good. But yeah, there's like that, there's that in between. you know, when you're a kid growing up in that, it almost feels like it really is just inevitable that you're, that's part of discovering your identity.
and later on being able to embrace because kids are cruel and kids are gonna be clicky. And when I hear people, especially parents complaining about how kids are at school, it's like, you can only prepare your children so much. At the end of the day, they have to fight their own battles. You can be there to support, can talk to administration.
get your kid out, go to different, whatever, right? There's a lot of things that you can do, but ultimately kids are gonna be kids and you're gonna have to teach your child to fight their own battles. And when they get older, when we're going through this healing thing now, it's like, okay, now I can fully, with full autonomy, embrace everything that I am, embrace that I'm multicultural.
embrace that all these things define who I am, not just one thing, not just this other thing, not just what one person said, right? But there's so much that informs who I am as a complete person. Yeah. But no, that's definitely something that's been a transition over the decades is things that I was ashamed of as a child, even
Pilar Lyutfalieva (56:30.282)
about my looks, who would have thought I used to hate I have big lips. I now women pay for it. I know, right? Because it was so, it was not accepted. I didn't look like everybody else or I looked so different. just, hated those things about myself. Now it's like taking those pieces and embracing them and being proud of those differences. Not even just looks, it's different characteristics. You know, I'm proud that I'm not like other women.
that are my age, you know, I'm not out there like everybody else that's in the streets, in the clubs or, you know, into the entertainment life and everything. I like that I'd rather grab a book or learn something new or go to a workshop and experience something different. You know, it's those little differences I've grown to love and this goes back to self-love. It's when you start to love those things about yourself, it doesn't matter that you don't fit in with, you know, that's that growth period.
100%. 100%. I mean, that's like full circle, right? In terms of like, we're talking about relationships and when you're able to be more in self-acceptance and accept that you are who you are, who you are, and every millisecond that you show up and every iota of space that you take up,
is exactly the amount of space you're supposed to take up, right? And exactly the amount of qualities that you're supposed to have. Like all that you are is exactly who you're supposed to be. And when you can embrace that, and of course that's a lifelong journey because we're also always discovering more about ourselves, you know, and we're making new mistakes and we're, you know, experiencing new successes, right? There's always, we're organic growing beings and
when we can embrace ourselves more and more and more, right? It's like, that is the foundation upon which our path is built. and once I'm something I've learned or experienced of embracing myself more, it's like an exhale. It's like you've been holding your breath all these years, decades, trying to be somebody that you weren't meant to be.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (58:55.49)
And that's why it felt so difficult is because it wasn't right for you. And then once you get into that stage where you're doing everything the way you would do it, not the way your family would do it, not the way you were raised, not the way the culture taught you or anything, you're doing what feels right, intuitively right and comfortable to you. It is like a huge exhale, a huge release because it's like, there you are.
There you are. I've been looking for you all this time and there you are. You finally decided to come out. I love that. I love that. Yes, there you are. I love that and I feel like another layer to this is like accessing our ancestors. You like that's a whole other layer. But it shows just how dynamic that path of growth is because
you sometimes you need to find yourself before going back to discovering your ancestors, going through rediscovery and learning where you came from. But first you have to embrace yourself before fully appreciating what it means to be where you are. Right? And I feel like that's the
I feel like naturally that's why we don't want the stories of our ancestors to die because ultimately, you know, through time and time and generations, we understand and realize that through self discovery, we can appreciate the past. But it really is an organic process that when you're able to get there, you're able to be like, wow, you know, it's like, it's a bit of a dichotomy, right? Because it's like,
I'm this fresh new unique person. And then you're like rediscovering all these traditional values and you're like, I just feel alive in this, right? It's so crazy how that happens, but it also shows just how dynamic the journey is. I agree. you know, I moved about a year and a half ago, you know, I moved from Texas to Louisiana. Louisiana is my ancestors, is where all my ancestors are from. This is where my family is from.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:01:18.048)
And since I've, when I, I always said ever since a little girl, I'm going to live in Louisiana one day. And once I got here, this is when things really started to unfold for me. This is when things really started, all those eye openers, things started to open up and things that I was scared of sharing with my family in the past, okay, herbal remedies, know, herbal medicines.
I did AncestryDNA and did some research on my ancestors. And I think it's like seven generations, great grandparents, being able, they were kind of well-known in the community. She was a well-known herbalist that people traveled to come visit. You know, it's like, okay, they may think it's weird, but this is a part of me. And so it felt like- I'm getting chills as you're talking about it. I love it.
like this is where I belong. This is where I'm accepted, being here on closer to my ancestral grounds and how it's been. Even my gifts have gotten stronger since I've been here. And that's because this is where I was supposed to be. Yeah, I love that. I love that. And I definitely can relate in terms of, I didn't have a lot of...
access to like my father's side, my Mexican heritage basically. you know, really by no fault of my father, like there was just a lot of stuff that kind of influenced certain decisions around either being able to visit family or even talking about it, right? You know, because we all come from trauma and so, you know, trauma was informing a lot of those decisions, but it wasn't until I got older.
that it became a really intense need. My father would tell me every now and then he'd be like, your grandmother, she read las cartas, she read the cards. He dropped little things here and there and talk about how gifts ran in his side of the family. Then you realize, it wasn't just this background story of the drama between certain sides of the family was because
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:03:38.956)
my grandmother was India. She was darker, so she was of native heritage or of native ancestry because a lot of that heritage wasn't really passed down. And it was more through living in little tiny pueblos and being able to just survive basically and kind of survive what was happening in Mexico around those times, which was a lot, right? And being able to discover that.
you realize, my goodness, this is why I'm so connected to the mountains, for instance. Ever since I was little, I would always say, I wanna live by the mountains, I wanna live by the mountains, I wanna have a farm, I wanna be in nature, I've always loved. My mom even said, was like, I swear to God, if you don't become a veterinarian, I'm gonna kill you. Because I would ever, every time we'd see like a, you know, like a.
what is it called like ASPCA or whatever that was like, you know, the basically like where they would take care of animals. I'd be like, can we go see, I want to go visit them and maybe I can help clean like the rabbit cages or what. She'd always be like, my God, always annoyed. And I realized now like we come from the countryside, we come from the mountains, we come from, you know, old like being in nature and like.
Obviously. Okay. It all makes sense now. And then you can even more embrace a part of yourself that's like completion. Like, here's another piece to the puzzle. Right? That's what it was for me. I grew up on three acres with horses and chickens and a big old garden. My grandfather had it looking all plush and plants and everything. All little bird houses everywhere and everything.
And then when I got married, I moved to the suburbs and towards before I moved to Louisiana, I was like, why do I feel smothered here? I don't want to leave the house. I don't want to go out. There's a million people at the grocery store. don't want to, like, I got to the point where everything was being delivered because it was too much. And then when I here and I'm like trees and birds and
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:05:57.74)
You know, just the nature out here. There's a creek, probably a quarter mile from my house that is just beautiful. And it's like, this is where I'm supposed to be. This is why I'm so much more comfortable here. I have to be in nature. I have to be outdoors. I have to have a garden. That's what I feel like that's what feeds me energy. That's what gives me my energy and my drive. Because when I go back to Houston, the concrete world, and I'm like, no, get me back to Louisiana. Get me back home.
That's where I'm comfortable. I love it. I love it. A hundred percent. Yeah. Isn't that funny how when we, once we start to get back to ourselves, it always just naturally, I feel like so much, ends up coming back to earth. It comes back to our connection with nature and our, you know, I think it's just something that's like a part of us as homo sapiens, as animals ourselves. We just love being in nature.
but also like just it's in our DNA to want to be more connected and to see the earth as a family member, as part of our, you know, our history. Yeah, totally. I love that. Yeah. Excellent. Well, this was such a cool conversation. I love talking to you and
You know, we've said I've said it before and we've said it before how like there's so many parallels and in a lot of our journey, especially like when things that we're going through, like in the moment, it's like girl just went through that. Let's talk about it. That happened to me last week. Yeah, I'm exactly in that like vibe right now or whatever. Right. Yeah, totally. 100%. So I love that we were able to talk and share some of this.
with other folks and just being able to share the love. So thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me on. I appreciate it. I'm glad I got to join. Absolutely. Absolutely. I love you, Clar. It's been two years and I'm like so proud of how you've come along in the past two years. I'll never forget that first reading I did with you. And that's been over about two, a little over two years ago. That's right. Wasn't it was for the group.
Pilar Lyutfalieva (01:08:20.301)
And yeah, that's right. And you were going to be a reader. And so I was like, OK, so we're just going to do a little reading. I was like, no pressure. Yeah. Yeah. And that was amazing. That was so cool. That's true. That was I can't believe those two years ago. I know it seemed and a lot happened. A lot has happened, but a lot of growth I've seen like in that little group, I've seen those that have come.
forward and grown so much over the past two years. Isn't that crazy? think it's, you know, that's why it's so important to be reflective and like, you know, at the end of the year, I think it's only natural for us to want to do that self reflection and being like, okay, you know, you have to because then you can really see like, my God, like things are moving along. You just got to trust the process. Yeah, that's you have to look at what has changed, what growth you have rather than focus.
What hasn't happened yet? Yeah. Yeah, I saw this amazing quote and it's don't kill what you hate Save what you love Yeah, way. Yeah. Yeah, so Awesome. All right girl. I love you. All right. Thank you everyone for listening for watching Don't forget to subscribe. I'll have Felicia's information in the description so you can access her She's amazing. She's got groups. She's got one-on-one sessions
She's got a great TikTok that you all should definitely follow and check out. right. Love you. Love you too.