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What About Me (WAM) is a space for healing the inner child, finding your voice, and reclaiming your power. Join host Emma as she shares her journey of self-discovery and invites others to speak up, stand up, and heal from the inside out.
How often do many of us enter
relationships where we pack
ourselves away in a box and store
that box on the highest shelf in
the darkest corner of our closets?
We show up every day in our relationships
pouring into them, and never consider
the person in the box on the shelf.
We neglect the version of
us who so desperately need
our own love and acceptance.
Is online dating a blessing or a curse?
Not so long ago, boys and girls.
Would meet each other at church
school, supermarket, social gathering,
or friends and or family would know
of someone that they in turn would
introduce to their family members.
And pretty soon these relationship
will become established.
Not so much these days.
Very seldom does anybody ever share a
story of using one of those traditional
ways, or they were in one of those
traditional circumstances that
end up meeting their life partner.
So fast forward to modern day.
Probably the most sought after
or mostly use method of meeting
a partner is online dating.
I grew up in an age and in a
community that applauds marriage.
If you get to a certain age and you
were not married, you were frowned upon.
It was questioned and spoken in hushed
tone as to what's wrong with her,
I resort to what I do in every situation.
That presents itself to me.
I found my own solution.
In this case it was, I was ready
to have a life partner and so
I decided to use online dating.
We met and realized we
had a lot in common.
From shared bucket lists to
traveling to far away lands, to being
part of the same social circles.
Our first date was carefully planned.
I was very careful to plan a lunchtime
date when he was at work, and he only had
a very limited time to be out at lunch.
However, it was unnecessary.
As the physical attraction was
equally mutual to the virtual
contact that we had so far
within a short time of meeting per
meeting face-to-face, we catapult our
relationship to becoming exclusive and
all seemed right in our world, but was it.
Our adult children had no angst, and
this was an answered prior for me.
I thought our attraction and our
connection grew at a feverish pitch,
and I found myself spending every moment
I could with him in less than a year.
We had a contract on building a
new home, and we were married.
I recall question myself.
I recalled questioning myself in
elation, but nervously, I was curious.
I was like, this is too good to be true.
In 12 months, we had never
had a fight or a disagreement.
In 24 months, we were still
in the honeymoon phase.
It seemed.
I was not looking for an
argument, but I was trying to
be steadfast in being a realist.
Adults do not go through
life this agreeable.
It is healthy to have different
opinions and perspectives.
So how is it that this
relationship seems so.
Eely harmonious.
It started with me.
I was with someone whose family
had a huge dynamic shift, less
than a year of us meeting.
I went into this relationship
with my eyes wide open.
I was acutely aware of how vulnerable
this family was, and I decided that I was
gonna be their protector and their savior,
and I was not gonna have any expectation.
I was not gonna have any demands.
My goal was to ensure that he and his
family was okay, that they never felt
slighted, that they never felt push, or
that I placed any expectations on them.
I made their life easy.
Everyone loved me.
I blended in a fly on the wall.
I asked for nothing and expected nothing.
My heart was to give my all in the
hope that they would see and appreciate
my love and generosity in return,
I just hope that they
would love and accept me.
Life has taught me that it is difficult
to argue with someone who agrees
with and entertain all your wishes.
That lesson was incorrect because
I felt like I gave 110% in this
relationship, but yet I, yet, I.
Got very little back.
I was taken for granted.
I was expected to act exactly the way
that I was acting, and if I had deviated
one day earlier, one month earlier, one
year earlier than the time that I did.
This relationship would have reached its
expiration date much earlier than it did.
My first angst in the marriage occurred as
we were packing to move into our new home.
We decided that we would take.
Literally nothing from our home and
that we would start over, which meant
that everything that we had was pretty
much up for grabs for our children.
Totally understandable.
What was interesting was as we.
Put together our staff and we
decided to allocate the things
that would go to our various kids.
It was interesting that all the
allocation was being directed to my
partner's family, and zero of that
allocation was directed to my son.
So here was a family with three adult
children and allocations are being
made based on a new marriage, and
all the stuff that is being assigned
to our kids are being directed to my
partner's family and none to mine.
I was surprised.
I was very taken aback,
but did I say anything?
Absolutely not.
I did what I always do.
I internalized my feelings and
my concern, and I sit with that.
It was only after about two
years when I felt that the time
was appropriate for me to speak
up about the consistent disparity
in the allocation of our resources.
I also voiced my concern about his
practice of sharing our private and
intimate detail with his family members.
I stated my concern that this would have
detrimental consequences to our future.
That I had proved myself and my intentions
in our marriage, and that it is time for
us to start building our relationship
without the cloak of his partnership.
This did not go down very well.
It was very obvious that he was displeased
with the position that I had taken.
And that for the first time I was
actually speaking up and instead of
supporting his partner, his wife,
he decide to be silent in the situation.
I was extremely deliberate in
explaining that our adult children
were all in long-term relationships
and living their lives to the fullest
without seeking permission from us
in any area, just as an adult should.
It took this much time for me
to see that there are more to
my new family than meet the eye.
The basis of my conversation
was that I was asking for my
rightful place as his new wife
. To me that mentor our lives entitled us
to privacy and discreet decision making.
There must be areas and actions
in our life that should be private
between a husband and a wife.
I did not grew up on the premise that
my parents discuss all their marital.
Discourse with me.
That was not something that I was at
all familiar or used to, and I could
not be comfortable knowing that I
had no privacy in my home and that I
couldn't share intimate detail with
my partner because this was gonna
be disclosed with his adult family.
There is a difference in a close
parent-child relationship in comparison
to a relationship of intense enmeshment.
With family members.
There was a missing
uniformity among his family.
Not everyone was treated equally, so
when there is a blanket statement made
about his commitment to his family,
but later in his action, there is a
significant disparity and difference in
terms of how he treats each family member.
Then it caused me to question
his sincerity and his honesty.
Once it became common knowledge to me
that there were no privacy in my home and
that all interaction with my partner was.
An open book to his family.
My insecurities and self-esteem.
Began to close in on me.
I decided to open my most vulnerable
and private parts of my soul to the
person IS swear to love and honor and
respect, and who swore the same to me.
This was, again, used as a weapon,
as he continued to take all areas and
discussions within our home to his family.
That led to a deep hurt within me as
when I spoke up about this, the family
member was defended and I was ridicule.
Insulted discarded and for the first
time, my partner left our bed and slept
in our guest room to highlight his
solidarity for his family, which for
me screamed his lack of support for me.
That was one of the time that I
realized that the question was most
appropriate to good, to be true.
Maybe consider the outcome if you
choose today, to give yourself exactly
what we so willingly give to others.
Filling our cup before we fill
others may seem foreign, but it
is the blueprint of emotionally
healthy individuals giving to others.
The trust and love we desire does
not serve anyone, especially us.
What have you done for you lately?
Today, I tin my garden and my lawn.
I prepped and I wrote an
episode for my podcast.
I went for a walk and I spent
time with my grand babies.
Today was a day off from my business
because I am important and I matter.
You are important.
You matter.
There were so many days, not so long ago
when I could not do one of these things.
I relearned to breathe, and not so
long ago, that was all I had in me.
I was a walking shell of a person.
I was not broken.
I was shattered into a million
pieces I could not fathom tomorrow.
Life was a chore I could not do.
Have you ever felt so low
that your mind shut down?
I pray that was not and will
never be your story, however.
If you identify with any of this,
know that you are not alone.
I did not believe it.
Regardless of who told
me it would get better.
No one can help and not many understand.
Only your inner soul can cause
you to take that tiny shuffle.
Not yet a step but a minute
movement, a painstakingly slow
shuffle that becomes a baby step.
With continued effort, you learn
to take one step at a time.
Please join me soon as we follow
the path of this relationship.
Will they be able to get the runaway
train of their marriage back on track?
See you soon.