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Kamini Wood works with high achievers on letting go of stress, overwhelm and anxiety that comes with trying to do everything, and trying to do it all perfectly
Kamini Wood: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. I just wanna say thank you for taking some time to spend here with me. Now, today's episode is something that sits at the core of, I think, almost every human relationship. And it's the balance between how do I set boundaries and how do I also belong?
So if you've ever struggled with saying no, because you didn't wanna disappoint somebody, if you've ever bent yourself into a pretzel to fit in or stayed quiet to avoid conflict, or you've built [00:01:00] strong walls, and later wondered, why do I feel so disconnected from everyone? Um. This episode might be for you.
'cause I wanna talk about how boundaries and belonging are not mutually exclusive, right? They're not opposites. They can actually be partners. And how true belonging requires boundaries and how boundaries create the kind of safety and, um, true, true, authentic connection. Um, so let's just be honest. Um.
Boundaries can feel hard and they can feel complicated and they can feel super, super scary to set. Uh, for many of us, the word boundary truly brings up this internalized tension. It can feel selfish or cold or like you're pushing people away. And for those of us who may have grown up in, uh, environments where love felt conditional, boundaries can absolutely feel dangerous.
Um, like saying no means that you're losing love. So we swing between two extreme extremes. We either overgive and overextend and overexplain to keep the peace, or we completely shut down and [00:02:00] just completely distance ourselves to avoid being hurt. A lot of us will swing from one end or the other, but neither ends up bringing that true sense of belonging and acceptance.
When we have no boundaries, we disappear in relationships, and when we only have walls, we are isolated. So true belonging happens on that spectrum in the middle when we're both connected and separate. Right? When we can say, I'm here and I'm also me. It's that. It happens within that idea of interdependence.
So to understand why boundaries are so hard, we have to look at what's underneath them. And in my opinion, what really lives underneath setting boundaries is fear. Uh, fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment, fear of being misunderstood, fear of being judged, um, fear of being perceived that you're just selfish and those fears are rooted in earlier experiences.
Maybe you've learned that love does have strings attached or, um, in order to get connection before there was. A sense of compliance or performance, uh, or [00:03:00] caretaking. That's how connection was created. So when you try to set a boundary as an adult, your nervous system screams like, no, no, no, no. You can't do that because if you set this boundary, you're gonna lose that person.
Um, and it can even happen, like when we're trying to set small boundaries too. Like even small things can feel huge. And so really what we're, what the invitation is, is to kind of rewrite some of those old patterns now. A wall says, I need to protect myself from you. A boundary says, I want to protect this relationship by being honest about what works for me and what doesn't or what I need.
So again, walls are blocking that connection, but boundaries actually offer this ability to clarify, you know, what would work and what doesn't. So if we think of, um, boundaries more as fences, they define, you know, what works and what doesn't. What's okay, what's not okay, but they aren't. Built to push people out or to keep them clearly away, right?
They're just there to allow for understanding to happen. So it's not that you're rejecting somebody, it's that you're creating a set of conditions where you can actually connect with them authentically. [00:04:00] The hardest truth to accept, um, is that you cannot truly belong without boundaries. And I know that's pretty bold to say, but it's because if belonging requires you to shrink or to hide or to betray yourself.
Then it's not really belonging, right? It's compliance and fitting in belonging means that you're accepted with people as you are, not how they want you to be. That acceptance really starts with you. So when you know what you need and you honor those limits and you communicate them clearly, you're creating that foundation, that basis for others to do the same belonging.
That demand self abandonment is not connection. That's a sense of control. So again, you know, what's the cost? What's the cost of being boundaryless? Well, when we live without boundaries. Um. What ends up happening is we're saying, yes, we want, what we really wanna say is no, or we take responsibility for other people's emotions.
Or we absorb [00:05:00] tension, uh, that's not even ours. And what ends up happening over time is that we burn out, we feel exhausted, and also we end up feeling resentful. Um, you start to feel invisible or you start to feel used or underappreciated, and you may even start to resent the very people that you've been trying to please in the first place.
And so that's actually the paradox of people pleasing is that often an attempt to maintain that connection actually creates. The result of, of ending that connection. Right? 'cause true connection can only exist when both people are whole. They're whole versions of themselves coming together rather than a portion of, you know, half of somebody showing up in a relationship.
So on the flip side, some of us swing too far to the other side, and so then after years of overgiving or being hurt, we say never again. And then we build these really thick emotional walls and we detach. You know, I even had a client, you know, who really was hurt by a. Bypass relationships and it's like, never again am I getting into another relationship.
So he, he, you know, he's keeping everybody at arm's length and it's understandable 'cause there was a lot [00:06:00] of pain there, right? Like when you've been through betrayal or you've been through emotional abuse, that distance can feel like safety. But if the walls stay up forever, they also become their own internalized prison boundaries aren't meant.
To isolate you. They're just meant to create this sense of peace. So healing means learning when it's safe to let people back in. And when you can risk that vulnerability and learning how to trust your own ability to discern and decide who is okay to bring in and who's not. And your body plays a big role in all of this, you know, because when you set a boundary, your nervous system may react as if you're in danger.
'cause again, it's scary to set a boundary when you haven't been doing it in the first place. Um. But it is about like, you know, so I know for me personally, like when I first started, and even now when I set some boundaries, I mean, my heart will start to raise and I'll start to feel really tense. But that's why boundary work isn't just about like, cool, I'm setting a boundary.
It's about practice and building, right? Because your nervous system needs to recalibrate and know that it's okay. So as you're setting [00:07:00] a boundary and you're feeling unsafe, it is about taking a breath. It's about really grounding yourself and reminding yourself like, Hey, you know what? This is difficult, but I can handle this.
Uh, I'm safe. Everything is still fine. So boundaries do require both courage. Um, and they do require a sense of. Present moment awareness and just being calm, even when it feels really scary and chaotic. So I really do wanna ask, like, you know, what, if we work towards reframing boundaries as self-care versus, um, how we normally see them as like.
I'm pushing people away because, you know, a boundary is really saying, I wanna keep showing up and I really wanna actually be in relationship and this is what I need for that to be healthy for me. So when you set boundaries from that place, right, instead of from fear, but you're, it's like a really a self-care thing, it, it feels like the whole tone of it changes and you're not protecting, you know, someone from you, you're just protecting what you're trying to build in terms of that [00:08:00] connection.
So if we were to make this more practical. Um, some things that you could consider doing, um, as you're learning how to set your boundaries. You know, first thing is to really get clear for yourself on, you know, your own internal values, because boundaries do protect what matters most. So if you ask yourself, okay, what are my core values?
What are the things that are. Most important to me. Maybe it's respect or honesty or time or family, but you identify them. That's step number one. The other thing too with it is that you just notice resentment. Resentment is often a sign that a boundary is being crossed. So if you're starting to feel resentful, get curious with it.
Because maybe a boundary's needed. The other thing that I often talk about is start small. If you haven't been a boundary setter, practice things in like those low stake situations. Don't go for the hardest relationship to set a boundary with. Start small and communicate. Don't justify. You don't, oh, these lengthy explanations.
Just, mm, that's not gonna work for me today. Or I, you know, I'm gonna need some time to think about that. [00:09:00] And the other thing that I wanna say is, do expect discomfort setting boundaries is gonna. Activate what might feel like guilt or just, especially if you're a people pleaser, it just feels like you're being mean.
So just really hold space for that and hold compassion. You know, self-compassion is huge. The goal isn't to punish yourself or to punish other people. Boundaries are really, again, a way that you're, you're setting the stage for healthier connections and true belonging begins with belonging to yourself, right?
You can't belong with others until you really fully. Get to this place of trusting yourself and belonging to yourself. And so when you're rooted in your own self worth, and you don't need to overexplain your boundaries, you just need to know that you're protecting your energy and that it's not selfish, you know, belonging to yourself.
Truly honoring your needs, honoring your values without apologizing for them. 'cause when you do that, you will find absolute that you're, the belonging you feel with others also feels deeper. So here are some things to maybe just reflect on. As you know, you're thinking about boundaries and you're thinking [00:10:00] about how that can correlate to belonging.
You know, where in my life do I struggle to hold boundaries? And why might that be? And what emotions do I feel when I start thinking about setting boundaries? Is it fear? Is it guilt? Is it shame? Is it something else? And what relationships do I feel safest to maybe start practicing boundaries in? And how do I define belonging?
You know, does that definition include belonging to myself? What would it look like to love others without losing myself in the process? Just, I'd love for you to take some time with those questions. And again, this isn't about judgment. This is just creating a sense of, can I get more curious with what's going on in the background for me?
Because I truly believe that awareness helps us figure out how we wanna move forward. And again, I wanna just reiterate, boundaries aren't rejection. They're just a way to redirect into these healthier connections. And you aren't too much for wanting space. You are not selfish for needing rest. You're not cold for saying no.
Boundaries [00:11:00] are how you stay close to yourself, and then also how you can stay close with others. And when you find that balance between honoring you, where you are and what you need. And you stop living in that sense of fear. What you really do is you open up this ability to connect with others. You can have both boundaries and belonging.
They do not have to be mutually exclusive. You can be kind and clear. You can be loving and firm, and you can care deeply for others without a bounding yourself. If you'd like to talk with me about how coaching could actually support you in setting boundaries or really even just identifying where you are right now, like what is it that you need?
What is it that would help move you forward? Feel free to book a time with me at coachwithkamini.com and until next time, stay well.