Finding Belovedness: Jen Holt Enriquez

In this episode, Jen — an attorney- turned-director of children's ministry and co-founder of Sowing Seed in the Sand — shares how years of teaching children about racism through the lens of faith led to an unexpected discovery: the truth she was preaching to others was true for her too. She is, and always was, an equally beloved child of God.

Jen and Sarah talk about human hierarchies, the stories we tell children versus the ones the world tells them, and how a familiar Bible story — not the Good Samaritan, but Zacchaeus — became the one that finally showed her who God really is.A story about the lies we inherit, the love we're offered anyway, and what happens when it finally feels real.

Jen Holt Enriquez is an attorney by formal education and was surprised to find herself called to the work of making disciples as a 2nd career, about 10 years ago.  Jen currently serves as director of children’s ministry at a church in Western Springs, IL and is co-founder of a movement called Sowing Seeds in the Sand. In this story she tells you how her journey in antiracism through the lens of faith transformed her and her
relationship with God.  To learn more about Jen’s antiracism work, please email her at mailto:[e-mail], or visit the website
at www.sowingseedsinthesand.org

www.whengodgotreal.com

Creators and Guests

SH

Guest

Sarah Holler

Sarah Hollar, an Episcopal Priest and Spiritual Director lives in Charlotte, NC where she serves a parish, tends relationships with her husband, two children, two stepchildren, their spouses, seven grandchildren, and her wise aging mother. She also has a good number of friends. Deeply curious about the complexity of the human experience and how God is present in that complexity, she invites you to join her as all sorts of folk share their memorable encounters with God.

What is When God Got Real?

Here humans craft and share their personal, compelling, beautiful, sometimes difficult 17 minute story of when God got real in their life and how that experience changed them. Following their story, they consider with host Sarah Hollar how their experience continues to affect them in their relationships, their sense of self and their way in the world.

Welcome, friends. Here's hoping your summer is unfolding easily and you are

finding moments and occasions of refreshment.

In this episode, our storyteller shares her study and her lived experience of

the big lie and the big truth.

She posits that our culture, our tribe, our people carry and pass on the idea

that human hierarchies are inevitable and beneficial,

that the higher we ascend, the better off we are, that hierarchies determined,

some are more and some are less than others.

She argues that this is not God's truth, that God sees value,

has regard, and deeply loves what he has created,

sufficiently and equally.

And one day, one day, unexpectedly, she discovered that this divine,

sufficient, equal love included her.

And in that discovery, God got real anew.

Here's hoping you hear something that moves your spirit and stretches your mind.

Chubby. When I was a kid, there was a line of girls' clothing at Sears with,

sizes that were designated as chubby.

For boys, it was husky.

Every fall, I would wait until the new Sears catalog came out,

and I would hope that there was something fun in the chubby sizes.

There never was but my mom sewed my clothes and she did the best that she could,

still I dreamed to choose items from the regular sizes I longed to arrive at school one day and see,

that some other kid was wearing the same thing I was wearing that would mean that I fit in that I was,

in the same category good enough like everyone else.

But I was pretty much the only kid wearing chubby clothes.

My name is Jen Enriquez. I'm an attorney by formal education,

and much to my surprise, I found myself called to the work of making disciples

as a second career about 10 years ago.

I thought that I would be a middle school social studies teacher or maybe high

school government teacher, but I discovered ministry, kind of by accident.

That was about 10 years ago. I currently serve as director of children's ministry

at a church in Western Springs, Illinois, and I'm also co-founder of a movement

called Sowing Seed in the Sand.

I want to tell you how my journey in anti-racism through the lens of faith changed me.

In the fall of 2020, I met my dear friend and colleague, the Reverend Will Buvel.

We were both seeking a way to

talk to the kids at our two churches about racism, kids as young as four.

So we were both taking a class, a secular class,

that told us, gave us some good insights, some good language,

saying that racism tells us a lie, that some are better than others.

Now, in talking with my colleague and friend Will, we realize that it's even

more simple when you add, and we know it's a lie because of the truth that we

know from our faith, that each of us is a beloved child of God.

We all go about our days, often not even noticing how much we categorize ourselves and others.

Now, this is a developmental milestone. It's how kids learn to make sense of

their world. Orange, red, blue.

Categorizing things is very appropriate.

But we don't really teach kids to stop categorizing people.

Here's where we get the lie that some are better or less than others,

it's invisible and it's always there you might think i'm a better driver or

my weedless lawn is better than your messy lawn,

or maybe you think you're less than my friend didn't respond to my text maybe

i'm not a good friend i'm not driving the right car wearing the right shoes,

or I had too much gray hair.

Those are what we might call lowercase L lies.

In contrast to uppercase L lies, like racism, sexism,

any way, any human hierarchy that categorizes us.

There's one lie that infected me for most of my life, a big lie.

I was called Jenny when I was a little girl. Jenny had a lot of people who loved

her, mom, dad, big sisters, brothers, aunts and uncles.

When Jenny was a little girl, there were not many ways that a girl could feel special or loved.

There was one thing called beauty,

that some people believed made a person special or more worthy of love.

But only some people were allowed to be called beautiful, and Jenny thought

the people who were called beautiful were even more loved by God.

This was a lie, but almost everyone believed it.

They forgot that God made every person different, and that God dearly loves those differences.

They forgot that God loves every person, no matter how they look or what kind

of shoes or hair or clothes they have.

God loves every body.

Some of the people who loved Jenny very much believed this lie, too.

They believed it about themselves, and they worried that Jenny might be hurt

by the world. if she did not look a certain way.

When Jenny was seven years old, they told her she needed to look different.

They said, Jenny, your body is not the right size. And Jenny believed them.

Jenny went to Sunday school every week. She sang songs like Jesus Loves Me.

She saw billboards at church saying Jesus loves her.

And Jenny heard a lot of people. Heard a lot of people. saying those words.

But the world told her something else, and those voices were louder. The lie was louder.

The lie that some were better than others.

Jenny watched TV. This is the 70s, and there were shows like Charlie's Angels or The Love Boat.

She could see that some people were more important than others.

Jenny also saw magazines like People Magazine. And all the pictures showed the same kind of people.

Jenny was really smart at school, but her body did not look like the people in magazines or on TV.

Jenny had a poster of Farrah Fawcett on her wall. Maybe you remember what it looks like.

Farrah Fawcett in her feathered hair with a red bathing suit and a striped blanket as a background.

Jenny longed to look like that.

Maybe if she did, Jenny would be more loved by the world.

Even some of the people that loved Jenny the most were telling her that her

body was not good enough.

So a more sophisticated way to say some are better than others is human hierarchies.

Jenny's story, and I think a lot of people's stories, remind us that there are

many human hierarchies in this world.

Racism, sexism, ageism, body shaming, all of these things are hierarchies that hurt people.

And they are not what God dreams for us.

Our Christian faith interrupts that racket, though, and it interrupts the story that the world tells us.

The truth that we know from our faith is that God created each of us different,

and God dearly loves those differences.

God dreams we would love those differences, too.

When I tell stories to kids and adults, I usually tell them in the sand, and I begin this way.

In the beginning, before there was anything, there was love.

And I draw a big heart in the sand.

God had so much love that God created a big world with lots of places and lots of people.

And even though they didn't all know each other The people mostly did the same kinds of things,

They raised children They made art Sometimes they fought with their neighbors,

And they wondered about the mysteries of the world.

When the people began to know each other, they saw their differences.

And some people thought that they were better than others.

Some people invented a lie that some were better than others.

Even though God dreamed that the people would love each other as much as God

loved them and as much as God loved their beautiful, beautiful differences,

The people didn't always believe that.

Jenny loved school. Jenny felt God close to her at church.

And she loved being with the people in her family. But her heart hurt.

Jenny wanted to feel loved.

When she was 12 years old, Jenny decided to try hard to eat good food that was healthy.

It was hard, but after a while, her body felt stronger, and that felt good.

Her body looked different on the outside, too.

Jenny noticed that she felt more valuable in the world.

She felt like people loved her more because of her body looking different.

She felt that people loved her more because of the number on the tag of her clothes.

Then Jenny wanted to be called Jen. Jen looked different and felt different.

Jen wanted to forget Jenny because Jenny was unlovable.

Jen was smart and funny, and still, she didn't know that she was beautiful.

Jen looked back at Jenny, and she wanted to forget that little girl.

Many years passed. Sometimes, Jen, or my body, was bigger and sometimes smaller.

I felt like even the people who knew me the longest loved me more when my body looked smaller.

I even loved myself more.

I still went to church and did lots of things to help other people.

I told others, especially kids, Jesus loves you.

But I still felt like people in magazines were better than me.

I believed a lie.

So I started telling these stories about the oppressed people and the stories

about racism in my work with Reverend Will.

And I was sharing the beginning part where I said that God loves our differences and God,

dreams that we would love each other's differences too.

And I uttered the words, we are all equally beloved children of God.

And I realized that meant me too. I was telling these stories for over two years

and one day I said those words when I was telling other people,

And I realized that when I say God dreams that the people will love each other,

and that God loves their differences, that meant me.

That was quite a shock.

So by telling these stories of oppressed people and underscoring how much God

loves our differences, I was finally able to receive that truth for myself.

58 years into the journey of life, I realized that I am a beloved child of God. Wow.

Now, Jen loves Jenny.

Now, Jen wraps her arms around sweet little Jenny and gives her all the love

that God has for all of us.

I know the truth, that I am a beloved child of God.

And I want to share this good news with everyone.

So much of what is out there for anti-racism trainings or discussions is sadness,

guilt, and shame-inducing.

And for sure, there's a lot to be learned, and there is sadness in the stories.

But that's not the end. Through our Christian faith, we know that that's not the end of the story.

God's story doesn't end on the cross.

There's redemption.

And through Jesus, we're offered new life.

Whenever I tell stories about racism or other kinds of lies in our world,

other human hierarchies, I feel deeply sadness.

And the stories weigh heavy on my heart. The history weighs heavy on my heart.

But I will spend the rest of my days trying to dismantle these human hierarchies,

because I know that there is good news,

for all people in trying to dismantle these human hierarchies and live into

the message that God loves our differences and God loves us just the way we are.

So even though I'm telling these stories that.

Have many, many sad parts, mostly sad parts,

somehow I feel joy sharing these stories brings me joy because I know that there

is good news and I know how I was transformed by sharing these stories.

And this is good news that I want to spread far and wide.

Jen.

Yes. Hi. I am so thankful. I am so thankful that a friend of ours introduced us to each other.

I'm so thankful that I got to meet you. And I am so thankful you said yes to

this idea of telling a story, a story from your rich life of when God got real for you.

I am grateful and I am moved by your sharing.

It's a vulnerable thing. It's a vulnerable thing to speak the truth of our lives

about things that matter to us.

In general, it's a vulnerable thing to go there ourselves and even share it

with our intimates. It's even more so with strangers. So thank you.

I'm grateful to be here.

In the past couple of years, I have really become present to the idea of what,

telling stories and listening,

to stories can do for us and how deeply telling and listening to stories connects

us with one another in ways that.

Are too often overlooked, I think, in our culture today. Yes, yes.

I was particularly moved by your story,

because I believe that you have been able to explicitly articulate a universal human truth.

And I think that universal human truth is when we come into this world we have this true,

soul this true soul.

And wired into that soul is a belief that we are are.

Good and kind and noble and loved.

And we believe that to be true. But soon, far too soon, we start getting other

messages from the world.

That we are not necessarily inherently beloved.

That we are not inherently beloved by a marvelous God who made a marvelous creation,

and made us marvelously well.

We start getting messages that we have to earn our place to be accepted.

You speak of human hierarchies and the idea that we have to meet some standards.

Maybe we are given some privileges or we're given some rights.

Some of us are coming to the world higher up on these worldly hierarchies.

But there's this you speak very eloquently on that being the lie that's not the truth,

it's pervasive and it's powerful it's almost ever present but it's still a lie

it's not the truth and our little baby hearts our little baby souls are yearning to find the truth,

and having confidence to believe that truth yeah.

You know that's one of the reasons that working with children is so important to me because, um,

The world starts sending messages to little children about who they are from

the time they are in utero, practically.

And I think sometimes adults forget that we need to preach to children because the world is preaching.

If we're not preaching to them, the world is. And sometimes people think that,

oh, we could never talk to little kids about something like racism.

Because it's too hard. It's too scary. But the world is talking to them about

it. And I believe that through the lens of our faith.

Our faith and simple language, it's kind of easy to talk to them.

And kids inhabit these stories in ways that adults do not, um,

that are important to adults because adults have been listening to these hierarchies

that the world is preaching to us about our whole lives and we hold them dear.

And I think when I say hold them dear, I mean, hold them tight,

not dear in a lovely way. Um, but, um.

And I think that is when this realization, this noticing human hierarchies is

really when I realized that it's important to talk to adults,

too, about these things.

Because we've lived our whole lives believing that some people are better than others.

And I think often many of us believe that we are less than others and forget how dearly we are loved.

So using these stories and this language of hierarchies really gives,

is an opportunity to preach to adults too and to share the good news that Jesus has to offer.

And I, you know, as you noted, it was great.

My transformation was like I was lightning struck when something in my head

and my heart changed, and I realized that I am a beloved child of God.

And so I'm eager and excited to tell everyone as much about it as I can.

And so that's why I'm so grateful to be here with you.

Yeah. You know.

You're talking about our culture now and how we are reticent to talk about human

hierarchies, the hard, sad kind of things that humans,

will do to one another, will believe, the lie, how we can be drawn into that.

And at the same time, we're living in a culture that also is not very explicit about talking.

About the peace, the love, the inherent value we have,

from our Creator. We don't tell the stories to one another about,

when God made God's self-manifest in our lives or came to us and demonstrated

in ways we knew that we were his beloved.

So, you know, on both ends. I mean, the truth about how we are as humans and the truth of God,

it's time for us to recognize the need to be telling the stories,

articulating the stories, and,

not being worried about being argued out of our truth. Yeah, I mean, that's...

That's one of the things that I think happened in this transformation is that,

I'm not, I'm eager to tell people about God's love.

And, you know, you might call God, have a different name for God or whatever

it is, but the divine in all of us is something that we should be talking about.

And it's an opportunity for our church to live into this and,

to make sure every person knows and feels in their heart that they are beloved.

Most adults are kind of uncomfortable talking about that.

Or I'll speak for the adults in my life. The folks who are not,

Christian educators or clergy feel pretty uncomfortable talking about God's

love for them. And that is sad.

And so that is one of the big reasons that I want to talk about this as much as I can. because,

our world is broken and people are broken. And,

I want to share one person at a time how much, how beloved is you are.

And, you know, if that could be,

the beginning of a transformation for other people, I pray that will be true.

And I, you know, my goal with the kids at church that I work with and the adults

is I want them to know they're a beloved child of God.

Are they going to memorize every Bible story?

I don't know. I mean, sure, Bible stories are.

In service of talking about God's love. They're not just to be memorized.

They're important because in the whole picture of God's love for us.

And I think this is a moment in time when our church really has a gift to give the world.

And so I hope and pray that I am a part of giving this gift.

Yes.

No, I think...

Being explicit about one's understanding of being a beloved child of God is really helpful.

What is the benefit? What is the benefit? How does your life change?

How is your movement in the world changed? How is your sense of self changed

when you can breathe in deeply?

I am mightily and marvelously made.

God delights in me. On my bad days, God delights in me.

When I fall short, when I am petty, when I am selfish, God delights in me.

He hopes for better for me,

but I am the vessel that he made, and he delights in that.

And hopes for me. To what you said, he hopes for me that I will see his delight

in all these other folks.

And don't you feel like when you really internalize and feel that you are beloved

of God, it makes it easier to look for and seek that out in others and to extend grace to them?

Yeah, I mean, absolutely. Um, I still, you know, probably my go-to and I think

many humans go to place is categorizing people and, um,

and judging others and ourselves, perhaps ourselves even more harshly.

Um, but what's changed for me is that when that happens and sort of that kind

of hamster wheel starts going in my head,

I can notice it and I can stop it and I can remind myself how much I am loved.

It's the, um, the transformation doesn't mean that I don't have any of those thoughts.

It means that I can notice them and remind myself, um, that's,

that's, that's, that's,

That that's not true. That's not true to who God knows me to be and that God

wants me to know myself the same way. And that God.

That that person next to me who's annoying me is an equally beloved person of

God and to see them and to it.

It makes it easier to follow the great commandment, love others as you love yourself.

And I think tied up in this is this, when Jesus said that, he said, as you love yourself.

So I think you have to love yourself first and have the peace of God's love,

in yourself first before you can see it in other people.

And, um, so yeah, it's a gift for me and it's hopefully a gift that I can give to other people.

Yes. Um, I think you made a, a,

very mature point that when we have these moments of transformation,

we have these moments we can identify in the moment or,

later looking back of when God got real, that it is not a one-and-done process,

that transformation, we have, you know, we keep learning,

and we keep growing, and.

We fall back into old thoughts and old ways of feelings, but,

we have this truth to stand on and remind, I like what you said I can remind

myself and I can recenter myself and I can move out.

From a place of grace and compassion.

And confidence yeah and that feels pretty good,

that's a good stuff it's a good story yeah knowing you are loved is a really good feeling,

yeah yes yes,

so what i also heard you say and this is what i i ask all uh all the storytellers

is um how has this experience of,

claiming this story and then sharing this story um how has that experience been for you?

And how has it, and you may well have already answered this,

what effect has it had on your ongoing relationship with God? Um.

Well, as I shared,

it has affected me,

very positively. That's a trite way to say it, but,

I feel free. You know, I, as I said, there's those moments that I find myself,

I call it on the hamster wheel.

But I'm able to interrupt that and.

I hope it has affected the way I move through the world too in how I'm able

to see others and offer grace to others,

and it's also,

transformed my understanding of who God is,

when I was a kid and into my adult years in church,

I would say.

I didn't feel particularly close to God, and I didn't honestly understand how much God loves me.

But now I can know how loved I am and that I am not God, and I'm going to make

mistakes over and over again.

But it doesn't matter. God still loves me and will love me no matter what I do.

Um, and I've also, I also understand some of the more traditional Bible stories differently.

You know, when, um, one example is, um, when white people especially talk about

racism in the church, um, they often use the parable of the Good Samaritan.

And, you know, of course, I'm not here to criticize Jesus' parables,

or it's a beautiful parable and has deep meaning.

And when we use that parable in the context of anti-racism,

I think most white people often see themselves as the Samaritan in that story,

who is benevolent and helps this poor, bloody, beaten person on the side of

the road and maybe feels good about it. We don't know that.

But where does that leave the Black person in this anti-racism story?

It's the bloody beaten person on the side of the road that the white savior is going to help. And...

Or at least that was kind of my understanding before I can't speak for other

people. But what I've discovered is that the story of Zacchaeus has deep meaning for me now.

And maybe even tells me the most about Jesus and who God is.

As a kid, we all, or I, sang the song, Zacchaeus was a wee little man and a wee little man was he.

And that's kind of as far as my understanding went.

But now I think Zacchaeus was probably up in that tree for more reasons than being short.

Zacchaeus was a tax collector and he cheated all the people in his community he stole from them.

And he was probably up in that tree because he could not be amongst the crowd.

Because they would hurt him or, you know, they wouldn't allow him to be there.

But even despite all of the things that Zacchaeus had done, all of the wrongs

he'd committed against the people in his community, Jesus looked at him and

said, I'm coming to your house.

And after Jesus visited Zacchaeus' house and Zacchaeus learned of Jesus' message

of God's love and all of the things that Jesus had to teach,

Zacchaeus was transformed.

And he gave back the riches that he had stolen to his community.

And that story of transformation just really...

Speaks to me because, as I said before, I'm not perfect. I know none of us are.

And still, God, Jesus, looked at Zacchaeus, and he looks at me and says,

I'm coming to your house. I'm living inside of you.

And that is just so powerful and life-giving and,

peaceful, peace-giving.

To be reassured about that love.

That's what we call the good news. That's right. That's right. It's good news.

My friend and colleague, Will, and I talk about good news that feels like good news.

And that's what our church has to offer the world. And sometimes we don't always do that.

You did today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for your yes.

Thank you for your story. Thank you for your work.

Oh, thank you for having me. And, you know, as I mentioned more than once,

I believe this is something that I will tell everyone who will listen.

And so I appreciate your inviting me and our mutual friend thinking to connect

us because this is really important.

And I'll spend the rest of my days trying to share this message.

Thank you. Thank you. Amen.

Thank you, listeners and subscribers. Thank you for your time,

attention, and ponderings.

I invite your comments and reviews. I also invite you to share your story of when God got real.

Send them along to sarah at whengodgotreal.com.

Until next time, breathe and be well.