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Scripts Aloud brings drama right into your ears. By using text-to-speech software, theater scripts go from the page into drama, every week. Typically 10-minute scripts are presented in each episode. It's like having a Theater Festival - right on your phone!
Scripts Aloud
MAYBERRY - USPS
Written by
Rick Regan
Based on The Andy Griffith Show
May 26, 2023
INT. HELEN CRUMP’S APARTMENT - MID-AFTERNOON
Helen is sitting at a writing table, reading a letter, with
the open envelope on the desk. She reads aloud.
HELEN
“Dear sister, thank you for your letter of
yesterday. I’m sorry your cookies burned. I
put down parchment-paper, to prevent scorches.
Much more reliable than the tin foil. Maybe
try that.
Mother is complaining about Otis again. She
said she saw him at mid-day stumbling towards
Sheriff Taylor’s office. No doubt to lock
himself up again. I tell her that Otis is a
free man and can do what he likes. Not that
I’m happy about it. How did I shackle myself
to the town drunk, and a family of drunks. His
brother is the town drunk over in High Point.
At this pace I don’t think we’ll be blessed
(or cursed!) with children any time soon. So
be it.
Mother said she saw you yesterday too, and
asked me if you were pregnant. She said you
looked unusually hefty but she didn’t want to
mention it to you. I said, how should I know!
You’re not, are you? That would be news!
Mother’s legs are bothering her these days.
She says it’s the wet weather. I said, it’s
because you’re old, ma!
Otis wants to carry me down to High Point to
visit his idiot brother and his family on the
weekend. At least they have children, not like
you or me. I suppose I’ll go and smile and
talk with Erlene. Maybe she had the right idea
marrying Otis’ brother Ernest and starting a
family straight away, even if the Campbells
are proven, dyed-in-the-wool hillbillies. Oh
well.
I love your handwriting, by the way. I use
this Smith-Corona because my scribble is
nowhere as good as yours.
Send any news.
Bettie-Lyn”
HELEN puts down the paper. She takes out some stationary and
a pen. She looks at the letter for a moment.
HELEN (CONT’D)
Same news. Different day.
Helen begins writing her reply.
INT. BETTIE-LYN CAMPBELL’S SITTING ROOM - MID-AFTERNOON, NEXT
DAY
Bettie-Lyn is sitting at a desk with a typewriter and a small
stack of paper. She has Helen’s letter. She opens the letter
and reads aloud.
BETTIE-LYN
“B-L, thank you for your letter of yesterday.
I appreciate the news. First, tell mother I am
not in the family-way. Her imagination runs
wild.
Not that I would be against it at this point,
as Andy doesn’t seem to take my hints that we
should be moving things along. Maybe that
would get the train out of the station.
Andy wants us to go down to Myrtle Beach for
the three day weekend. I’m hoping he will
propose but I am losing my faith in him. It’s
been four years. Not that he doesn’t want me
available for conjugal visits, oh no! Oh,
boy... Maybe someday some doctors will invent
a vaccine against getting in the family way.
Not permanently, but just for a while. Until
then, I stick to good hygiene - and keep
myself clean. He has to be satisfied that I
will pet his thing. That’s all I’ll say.
If we go down to Myrtle Beach, I’m afraid
he’ll want to carry along Barney and Thelma
Lou. She’s smart as a whip and I don’t know
what she sees in that certified dummy. There
must be a village somewhere that is missing an
idiot. He’d fit right in. I like talking to T
L because she’s funny and smart. It’s like
we’re both in-on the joke that we can talk
right past (and over!) Barney and Andy. Either
they are not listening or not interested. In
my experience, men tune out when a woman’s
voice comes on. Unless it’s Marylin Monroe.
Best of luck with Erline Campbell. I knew her
in school. She was like a big friendly cow
that just walked right up to people, like she
expected to be milked right there. She had the
udders, even then.
That made it harder for a girl like me to get
much of a second-glance.
Did I mention that Benjamin Weaver’s mother
said hello? She dropped by, on her way to the
five-and-dime. She said that Benjamin was
finishing medical training over at Duke and
was joining a practice down in Davidson this
fall. She wanted to know if I would join her
and old-man Weaver to go down to Davidson and
look at houses or apartments near the
hospital. She said she wanted me to drive, but
I don’t believe that for a minute. She said
she wanted another female opinion because
Mister Weaver would put their son in the
cheapest boarding-house, if he could. Doesn’t
that take the cake!
I told her that Andy and me are going to
Myrtle Beach at the holiday and we could go
after that but she said we have to hurry! I
think she was thinking that it sounded like
Andy might propose - and she’d better get
ahead of the whole deal. What do you think?
Helen”
Bettie-Lyn looks at the letter. She puts some paper in the
typewriter and is about to begin her reply.
BETTIE-LYN (CONT’D)
The Weaver’s, eh? Richest family in town.
She begins banging away at the typewriter.
INT. HELEN CRUMP'S APARTMENT - MID-AFTERNOON, NEXT DAY
Helen has Bettie-Lyn’s reply. She reads aloud.
HELEN
“H. Thank you for your letter of yesterday.
My word, the Weaver’s. That would be something
if you and Benjamin Weaver get back together.
It was sure hot and heavy before he went off
to Duke. But what do you think is better, to
be a doctor’s wife or the sheriff’s
girlfriend? I think I know. But I don’t know
what BW is like now, as a doctor. When was the
last time you saw him?
I mentioned the Weaver’s to Ma and she’s
already planning the wedding meal, featuring a
whole hog and her famous banana crème pie! I
think she might switch over to the Catholics
if you take up with Doctor Weaver, just so she
can do the rosary and pray for you to get
married and start a family!
You are going to Davidson with the Mrs.
Weaver, aren’t you? Aren’t you?!!
Otis got out of jail this morning and made his
way home. I washed him up and put him to bed.
I made some soup and I’ll feed him when he
gets up. I don’t know how he keeps his job but
I guess they can’t fire a war hero like him.
And, I guess, the county only needs a snow
plow driver a few days a year but they pay him
all year long. And even when Otis has had a
few jars he’s still a pretty good driver. He
can handle that plow like nobody else in the
county. I’ve seen him myself. Best there is.
We’ll be going to see his brother this
weekend. I wrote to Erline and asked if there
was anything I could bring. She wrote back and
said she didn’t need any food but if I’d bring
my sewing basket, she could use a lesson on
back-stitching a seam on a quilt she’s
finishing. I’ll show her ma’s method of back
and-forth stitching at the end of the seam
line. Wish me luck!
Otis says he was talking to his old VFW
buddies and they say there’s going to be a war
in Indo-China, or Burma or someplace. You’d
think we’d be done with all that after we
finished with Japan and then Korea. I don’t
think Otis or Andy would be up for the draft
but keep a lookout.
One last thing, I read Ma you’re idea of a
vaccine against getting pregnant. She said her
people used hot ginger tea, with garlic cloves
mixed in. I think that would just guarantee to
keep the gentlemen at least a broomstick away.
Send news. B-L”
Helen sets down the letter. She lines up some stationary and
begins with her pen.
INT. BETTIE-LYN’S SITTING ROOM - MID-AFTERNOON, 3-DAYS LATER
She begins reading Helen’s letter.
BETTIE-LYN
“B-L, thanks for your letter. I’m sorry for my
delay in replying. But oh, what a weekend!
Tell me the news of your visit with Erline.
Did you show her Ma’s back-stitch? I never
mastered it myself but I know you did.
I went down to Davidson with Mrs. Weaver on
Saturday. I told Andy that, if we are going to
Myrtle Beach next weekend, I needed to go
shopping, and that I was going to Charlotte
for some new outfits. Which is true, I did get
some new outfits, just not in Charlotte. When
Andy gets down to the beach, it seems all he
wants to do is go dancing at the shag clubs. I
got some nifty pink flats and a couple of good
skirts and tops. All the better for swinging
around when 60-Minute-Man starts up. Of
course, that’s not all he wants to get up to.
Mr. and Mrs. Weaver were perfectly nice on the
ride down. Mrs. Weaver was fairly giddy about
playing matchmaker, I must say. Benjamin is
still over in Durham so this was really an
interview to see if they approved of me. I
think I passed with flying colors!
We drove around the neighborhoods near the
college. We found a few places that had
apartments - and some very cozy small houses! -
that might be a good fit for a young doctor
(and his wife?) Mrs. Weaver seemed pleased by
my interest and my demeanor. So there.
While we were looking around in Davidson, Mr.
Weaver got out to make a telephone call. He
called long-distance to Duke and got a hold of
Benjamin. He convinced him to come over to
Winston and meet us for lunch. If they had
this all pre-arranged, I don’t know. But he
did! We drove over and all met at the Red
Cardinal Café, right on 4th Street!, and got a
table right away. I had a salad with Greek
Goddess. Benjamin had a cheeseburger and a
Coca-Cola. Old Mister Weaver just sat and
sipped hot, black coffee! Mrs. Weaver just ate
toast. How about that?
Let me get you up to date: he was as fine a
man as a woman could want. Still handsome.
Tall. Funny. Kind. Generous. I could go on and
on! He said that he’d be joining an
established practice in Davidson, as the new
man. He said he was interested in it
specifically because they were close to the
college and he wants to do a specialty at the
Medical College. And I think he (still) likes
me. He was being coy around his mother and
father but he seemed interested in me and our
lives in Mayberry. I told him that we looked
at some houses and apartments in town and that
he would be just fine.
That’s all I can tell you today.
H.”
Bettie-Lyn puts down the letter and stares at it.
BETTIE-LYN (CONT’D)
Wait ‘til I tell Ma!
INT. HELEN CRUMP'S APARTMENT - MID-AFTERNOON - NEXT DAY
Helen is at her usual writing desk. She has Bettie-Lyn’s
reply.
HELEN
“H. Thank you for your letter of yesterday. I
was concerned that I hadn’t heard from you but
then your envelope waltzed right in on time.
Again, such good penmanship!
The strain of juggling two gentlemen-callers
must be weighing on you. I know I’d be a wreck
if I was cheating on Otis. Not that I think
you are cheating on Andy. I mean lunch is just
a salad and a cheeseburger. Has Andy used his
detective skills and discovered that you are
stabbing him in the back?
Ma thinks you are doing the right thing and
can’t wait to sew you up in a wedding gown. By
the way, my stitching lessons went better than
expected, as we spent a lovely afternoon
together making wonderful progress on her
quilt. She’ll have it finished in another
week. It is quite a big project and I couldn’t
imaging tackling something like that. She said
it was to be a model for a painting on the
side of their barn. You see these around the
area, if you are looking.
Otis and Ernest spent the day out in the barn,
telling war-stories and drinking white liquor.
They were both done-in by supper time so we
put them both to bed. Erline had made a
chicken pot pie as big as a wagon wheel! You
should have seen it. I thought it was well
over-sized but when her three boys tucked in,
there wasn’t but a plate or two left for
Erline and me. And it was tasty! She used her
own chickens, she said.
I asked Erline about her family but her face
was as dark as a storm cloud. She’s got
another one on the way and is none to happy
about it. She hasn’t told Ernest, or anybody,
but that was the real reason she invited us
down, to talk about it with family, me, such
as we are sisters-in-law. She’s concerned that
Ernest doesn’t seem able to straighten up and
fly right, for too long anyhow, and she’s
managing the boys, their farm - and Ernest.
Now another one? She said she knew right away,
and was going to see a doctor in Greensboro
this week. She’ll be anonymous there, she
said. I’ll call on her at the weekend and see
how she’s holding up.
This weekend is your trip to Myrtle Beach,
right? If he doesn’t propose, are you going to
give him an ultimatum, or just call it off and
make hay while the sun shines with your
Doctor? I’d miss you so if you left Mayberry.
Send news.
B-L”
Helen stares at the letter, furious.
HELEN (CONT’D)
Stabbing him in the back?! It’s been four
damned-years!
Helen gets up and walks out to the yard.
INT. HELEN CRUMP'S APARTMENT - MID-AFTERNOON - THREE DAYS
LATER
Helen has another letter from Bettie-Lyn
HELEN
(reading)
“H. Where are you, my dear?
I haven’t heard a word from you. Are you
alright. Let me know that you are safe and
sound. Has Andy throttled you around the neck?
Let me know if you need help, honey!
Ma says she saw you yesterday and asked why
haven’t written. She wants all the news on
your rendezvous with your doctor-boy. Why have
you not replied? She said you told her you
were hurt and sad about my last letter. If I
said anything to make you sad, I am sorry.
I called on Erline this morning. She went up
to Greensboro and had things taken care of.
She sounded like she was in rough shape but
that’s the last we’ll hear of it. I wish she’d
have called me to carry her over to the
doctor’s. How she got home, I don’t know.
Maybe Ernest drove her. I wonder if she even
told him. What’s the right thing to do? Tell
him or not tell him? With Ernest (or Otis) I
don’t think I could risk them really going off
the deep end. I suppose I would end up a green
grass widow, but she has those three boys and
if Ernest jumped on a train she’d never see
him again. He’d have some dream about heading
out west to the Rockies or someplace, but
probably die on the way. Ruined. And her, the
same, but back at home. I suppose it’s for the
best. She asked me, when we were quilting, if
I would take the new one, raise him as my own,
or even one of her three boys, just to lighten
the load. But I said, well, with Otis, it’s
just not a fit home for a child. That’s right,
isn’t it? So I guess, she just went and done
the deed.
I told Ma about the situation and she just
nodded. She said she knew some girls that had
done it like that, years ago. One died but the
others lived. She said that when word got
around, those girls probably wished that
they’d died too, as they were too hot to
handle, and no fellow would touch them. They
all left town, one by one, she said. I asked
her if it ever happened to her, that she had
to go there? She just said, it was a long time
ago. What does that mean?
Helen, send me news. I’m worried about you.
BL.”
Helen stares a the letter. She picks up a pen and then puts
it back down and walks out.
INT. HELEN CRUMP'S APARTMENT - MID-AFTERNOON - THREE DAYS
LATER
Helen has another letter from Bettie-Lyn.
HELEN
(reading aloud)
“H. Please write to me. Let me know that you
forgive me for hurting you, for whatever I
said. I hate being apart from you.
I called Erline this morning again. She said
she finished the quilt. She said everything
else was getting back to normal too. She even
said that Ernest had got a new job at the IGA
grocery on Main Street, next to the railroad
viaduct. She said it would be a good
supplement to the farm income. But I worry
that he’ll just drink the profits and lose the
job. Time will tell.
Ma slipped in the kitchen this morning and I
found her on the floor. She couldn’t get up
but seemed OK once I got her in a chair at the
table. Nothing is broken but I worry it will
happen again, when I’m not here. Could you
come and stay with us? We’ve got room, me and
Otis.
Tell me about the beach trip. Did you dance?
Did you skinny dip in the hotel pool?! Did he
propose?
Don’t keep me waiting like this!
Your sister.”
Helen puts the letter down, lines up a piece of paper and
starts writing.
INT.-BETTIE-LYN'S SITTING ROOM - MID-AFTERNOON - NEXT DAY
Bettie-Lyn has Helen’s letter. She goes to her desk with the
typewriter. She calls to her mother.
BETTIE-LYN
Ma! I got the letter from Helen. Come down!
I’ll read it.
Ma comes down and sits near Bettie-Lyn.
BETTIE-LYN (CONT’D)
(reading aloud)
“Bettie-Lyn, thank you for your last two
letters. I am sorry I have not written. I was
hurt that you think I am stabbing Sheriff
Taylor in the back by having lunch with Doctor
Weaver. I am innocent as a lamb.
But a lamb doesn’t have to wait four years to
get to the slaughter house, and neither do I.
If the doctor proposes, then I will accept. He
is a nice boy with a nice family. It would be
an honor for me to be a part of their/his
world.
And, no, Sheriff Taylor did not propose to me
at the beach. Oh, we had a gay old time,
dancing until midnight at every oyster shack,
fish camp and shag club we passed. We didn’t
miss a thing. We were exhausted by the time we
got back to the motel and went right to bed.
Andy wanted to get handsy in the middle of the
night so I pulled the blanket and slept in the
chair by the window. If it didn’t happen
there, then I don’t think I want to wait until
Christmas, or New Year’s, or whenever he might
think he’s ready to settle down.
I asked him, point-blank, right to his face,
over a plate of BBQ right on the boardwalk. I
said, he was going to have to move things
along or I was going to move myself along. He
thought I meant that we should go dancing
again, but I told him that if we are going to
get married then he should have a better plan
than this. You know what he said? He said,
“Well, Helen, you’re a nice girl and all, but
what would Opie think if I was to get married
again?” Can you believe that? I said that if
that was how he feels about it then we should
just go on keeping-on, just like old times.
But I’m writing to Benjamin about his plans.
He says that he’s finishing up next week and
there is a graduation ceremony. Mr. and Mrs.
Weaver are going to Durham for it. I might
just ride over with the Weavers. Andy be
damned. I don’t owe him any explanation.
Wish me luck.
It sounds like Erline has really been through
a rough patch. I wouldn’t want to have to face
the choices she’s got. I guess you’ve already
made your bed.
H”
Bettie-Lyn looks at her mother. Ma shakes her head.
BETTIE-LYN (CONT’D)
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
INT.-BETTIE-LYN'S SITTING ROOM - MID-AFTERNOON - SIX MONTHS
LATER
Bettie-Lyn sits down with the envelope and starts to read
aloud.
BETTIE-LYN
“BL. Thank you for your letter of yesterday. I
must say, your typing is impeccable. Always
easy to read and so few mistakes!
The big news is that Benjamin proposed over
the weekend. Or pre-proposed. He said he
wanted to talk to me about it - and pick out a
ring together! - and then do the big proposal
event in front of his family at Christmas in
two weeks! Can you believe it?! Of course, I
said yes. I am scanning the Sears and Roebuck
whenever I have a few minutes, looking for
furniture, dining room sets AND A RING!
After that, I told Sheriff Taylor it was over
between us. He was struck by lightening, by
the look of him. I explained the situation and
that, frankly, I had a better offer. You
should have heard him try to weasel out of
that one! “Helen, Helen! Now hold on here.”
Etcetera, etcetera. I’m done with this tiny
town. I’ll miss Thelma-Lou and you but I’ll
just be down the road.
Tell Ma, when we set a date, I’ll let you
know. Probably after we get moved into a new
place. He’s in the apartment in Davidson but
we’ve been looking for something better. I’m
still here up on this stupid mountain, going
back and forth. I’ll be glad to be done with
that.
BL, please! Wish me luck on my new life!
H.”
BETTIE-LYN (CONT’D)
Well isn’t’ that something? Best of luck to
you, Helen!
END