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Conversations With Thomas is a podcast where humor, heart, and a touch of sass collide. Hosted by Thomas Kevin Dolan, each episode explores raw, real topics like self-compassion, healing, and the delightful mess of being human. As the seventh of ten kids, Thomas didn’t always have a voice—now he’s sharing it with you, and trust us, you’ll want to hear this.
Expect vulnerability, laughs, and thought-provoking questions that dive into subjects most people avoid (because, let's face it, some topics just need to be tackled). With a mix of wit and wisdom, Thomas takes you on a journey where you might cry, you might laugh, and you’ll definitely feel a little more connected to yourself and the world.
New episodes drop every 2nd and 4th Monday. Tune in for a dose of honesty, heart, and just the right amount of quirky.
Hey, humans, welcome back or welcome to Conversations with Thomas. I'm your host,
Thomas Kevin Dolan. Pronouns are he and him. I'm recording this on the sacred lands
of Hawaii, the ancestral home of the Kanakamaoli. I offer deep respect to the
original stewards of these islands whose wisdom, resilience, and aloha continue to
shape this place. With conversations with Thomas, I take big human messiness,
swirl it with a little soul, some science, a side of sass, and somehow find this
sacred in the everyday. Today's episode is called From Pressure to Power?
Choice versus decision. Because let's be honest, Most of us spend a lot of time
making decisions under pressure. You know, sweating over the small stuff, running on
autopilot, and pretending that everything's fine while inside, we're screaming.
But what if I told you there's a way to move from that pressure into your power,
to choose first and then decide with confidence? that's what we're unpacking today.
What's the difference? A decision is often reactive. Should I do this or that?
What makes the most sense? Will this keep me safe, acceptable, unbothered?
It's often made with the brain. And let's be honest, the anxiety committee in your
brain. Choice, on the other hand, is deeper. It's a it's a it's a declaration of
identity. It says this is who I am. This is who I'm becoming.
It comes from truth, not pressure. Choice informs your decisions and when it doesn't,
we usually end up with decisions that feel safe, but small, smart,
but soul sucking, logical, but lifeless. And let me tell you,
logic without soul is like salad, without dressing. Technically it's food,
but no one's really excited about it. I love this quote from Bell Hooks, "I will
not have my life narrowed down. I will not bow down to somebody else's whim or to
someone else's ignorance. Let me chat a little bit about the brain science. This is
what I call the brain science break. Neuroscientist Antonio de Maseo found that we
literally can't make decisions without emotional input. Feelings are what gives facts
meaning. Your brain asks, "Does this matter?" and your feelings answer, "Hell yes" or
"No." Also, decision fatigue is a real psychological condition.
When you're constantly reacting or calculating and people pleasing your way through
choices, your brain actually gets depleted. It gets depleted.
But when you Just to move from your center, when you choose with clarity, decisions
become easier, like your compass is already set.
Let me stop for a moment here, a little mini pro,
and this is me talking about coaching. Ever say yes to something, and immediately
hear your inner voice go, "Oh no, we're not doing this again." That's not choice.
That's pressure dressed up in productivity. Coaching with me isn't about hustle.
It's about remembering who you are before the pressure made you forget.
Let's get you out of default mode and back into your power. Cut a ding, ding,
ding. Inviting you to book your discovery call at thomaskevendolin .com.
Let's choose on purpose Okay, back to the podcast. Here's a story from My life.
It's actually from my memoir little fag and journey of self -acceptance and healing
In elementary school. I was that kid the kid who peed his pants not because I
wanted to Because I was terrified to raise my hand and ask to use the bathroom.
I didn't feel safe enough to speak. And it wasn't just about the classroom. It was
about what was happening at home, the violence, the silence,
the invisible rules, don't ask, don't feel, don't need. My teacher bless her,
eventually noticed, and told me I could just leave the classroom. That helped.
But even then, it was terrifying to simply go, because I hadn't yet chosen to
believe I mattered. At home, no one ever asked why I went to bed.
The sheets were soaked, the shame was heavy, but the silence was louder.
So instead I became the perfect kid, the quiet one, the one who needed nothing,
The one who believed survival meant silence, but then, as I approached high school,
I made a different kind of move. Most of my siblings had gone to a particular high
school in Calgary. It would have been the logical decision to follow, but I made a
choice to go somewhere else. It wasn't approved, it wasn't expected,
but it was mine.
That one quiet, resolute choice that changed the entire trajectory of my life.
It would probably be the biggest miracle I had experienced in my life. Yes, of
course, it was terrifying to leave one quadrant of the city and go completely to
another, know nobody, And yet, it's where I belonged. It changed my life.
It was a choice. A choice I made with my heart. Let me talk a little bit about
spiritual and wisdom traditions, including Buddhism, the Middle Way. They all remind
us that the decision is often about duality. Right, wrong, this, that. Choice,
however, can arise from a middle path, a place of presence, discernment,
and actually detachment from outcome. With indigenous wisdom,
many traditions here in Hawaii, one is called Ho Aponopono, or Lakoda,
or Andean cosmology, speak of living in right relationship with land,
spirit, and certainly others. Choice here is relational, Sacred,
and it's actually rooted in profoundly deep listening, not individualistic or ego
-driven. You do not choose alone. The land,
the ancestors, and the unseen also speak. That's inspired by Indigenous wisdom.
It's probably one of the reasons I love most, having the privilege of living on
this island of Oahu. There is so much inspiration from the indigenous folk here.
We're reminded, we're not here to perform perfection, we're here to live in
alignment. Decision is action, but choice, listen to this, choice is orientation.
It's a kind of inner vow. I choose to honor who I am becoming,
Even when it's scary, even when it disappoints others, even when nobody claps.
In healing work, especially trauma recovery, that shift from reacting to choosing is
monumental because for so many of us, we didn't feel like we had choices.
Healing is reclaiming that choice, choosing to rest, to speak,
to leave, to stop being the good kid if it's killing your joy.
Andre Lorde shared this wisdom, "When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in
the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I'm
afraid." So let's try this out together.
Think about a decision you're facing, big or small, something with a little pressure
around it, and then go ahead and pause. So you're thinking about a decision you're
facing right now, something that has a little pressure around it. Go ahead and
pause.
And then I want you to ask yourself,
What part of me is trying to decide this?
What part of you is trying to decide this?
Is it fear?
Habit?
Is it performance?
Ask this to close out this process. If I choose from truth, not pressure,
what would I already know?
I want you to notice how your body responds when you choose from the truth of your
becoming. That's what I call your body compass. It's something I teach in my
coaching practice. It's learning to reconnect with the sensations which are always a
truth in our bodies and being able to actually respond and move with life from that
place. Answering these questions isn't just about making a better decision,
it's actually about learning to hear your own truth again, because these reflections
help you discern your inner voice and that discernment is from the noise of
expectations and fear.
These reflections help you interrupt default patterns, those unconscious habits that
quietly run your life. These reflections help you build self -trust by honoring what
feels true in your body, not just what sounds logical in that gorgeous mind of
yours. These reflections help you actually reclaim your agency, especially if you've
lived a life shaped by pupil pleasing like I have or survival like I have.
When you pause to explore what's beneath your choices, you don't just change your
actions. You change your orientation to life. Isn't that cool? You change your
orientation to life. You begin to live on purpose from the inside out. And that,
my friend, is where freedom begins. I thought I would plunk because a number of
folks that have listened to my podcast before have asked for some journaling
questions or reflective questions that they can take actually away with them to
explore in some quiet time for themselves. So here are a few of those,
I'm calling them journaling or reflection questions to explore when you're off on
your own and breathing it a little bit more to what it is that I've shared in
this podcast. The first one is this. Is this coming from pressure or peace?
Am I choosing this or defaulting to it? So when you think about the decision that
you're making right now or wanting to make or that choice that you wanted to make,
is this coming from pressure or peace? Am I choosing this or defaulting to it? What
would I choose if I wasn't afraid of disappointing anyone?
Who do I want to become and does that move on or that?
Is this a full body yes or a mental obligation?
And finally, for that choice of decision you're about to make, This question, would
I still make this choice if no one applauded it? So pause,
reflect, I'm going to suggest you might be surprised by what comes through. Some
closing wisdom. Here's what I'm encouraging you to remember today. A decision is what
you do. A choice is who you are. One reacts.
The other reveals. This world will clap for your decisions, especially the shiny
ones. But your soul, your soul will sing for your choices.
So don't just chase outcomes. Move from pressure to power. Choose orientation.
Choose from truth, not pressure. And let your decisions follow like little loyal
ducklings. Let me share a medley of metaphors that flowed to me as I began to
conceive of this podcast theme. And they're these. Decision as a fork in the road.
Choice as the compass. Decision is what you do. choice is where you come from.
Decisions can be outsourced. Choice can only come from within. "Should I?" is the
voice of decision. "Am I aligned?" is the voice of choice. Thanks for joining me
for this episode of Conversations with Thomas. If something stirred in you and I
really, really intend for it to be stirred in you. I'm going to invite you to
share it with someone who's actually standing at a crossroads in their life. And if
you're ready to stop sweating the small stuff and start owning your power, I'd love
to walk beside you. This podcast is alchemized from heart, healing,
a dash of science. And the occasional existential spiral in tech Executive production,
ah that's me, and my brilliant husband Adam Ma, who transforms my voice notes,
midnight musings, and philosophical ramblings into something almost coherent. We're a
two -human studio powered by love, wandering at times and unreasonable amount of
chocolate, and yet we don't complain. Until next time, choose bravely,
Choose gently. Choose you.