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Life with Lucas is a Saturday-morning coffee podcast with Lucas, a Deaf demiboi figuring out young adulthood in real time. Recorded with their mom and siblings, these conversations wander through senior year, disability and access, gender, identity, and all the weird/funny/real moments of turning 18 and not quite grown. No experts, no script. Just one family who shows up for breakfast and talks about what life actually feels like.
Welcome to Life with Lucas. Good morning. Morning. It's been a long morning.
Speaker 2:You wanted to start a new series of just teen talk on Saturday mornings, whatever came out. Yeah. So because I'm
Speaker 1:a teenager, it's probably gonna be random stuff, but you never know. So You're almost an adult. True. How is that feeling? It's feeling a lot different like I'm just noticing because I have five younger siblings like how everything is different like because I'm almost 18 years old so like I do more things like after school like I'll come home I'll do my chores and then mom and I didn't talk for hours.
Speaker 1:We're like, I'm watching like one of my youngest siblings like, they'll come home, they'll sit on the couch and just wait for instructions and I'm like, aren't you gonna like go do your chores or something? They're like, no mom has to tell me I can do my chores. I'm like, I don't think that's ever gonna rule but we'll see how it goes. Like it's just interesting to watch because like in the past, I still would have done that. Like I would have just like sat on a couch and just been like, I wonder when mom's gonna tell me to do my chores.
Speaker 2:That's so funny. There's definitely a different maturity. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like
Speaker 2:you're initiating, you know what to do. You have experience from real jobs now and you're really preparing for living on
Speaker 1:your own someday. Yeah. And like, I just find it fascinating because like we have a 10 year old almost 11 and currently where we live right now we have a 10 year old, we have a 14 year old and then we have me and my brother who is the same age as me and he's still six months younger than me. So I can still see there's a difference. Not just because, Oh, we're the same age so we do the same thing, but like she's six months younger than me so I will be 18 and then six months later she's 18 so it's just fascinating to like see.
Speaker 1:Can you
Speaker 2:believe the triplets are turning 18? Not really. And the twins are going to high school next year? Like this is
Speaker 1:like the one year we'll all be in the wait no that's not true because we were all in the same school during elementary school for like one year and then next year, we'll all be in the same high school. So it's just fascinating.
Speaker 2:The triplets and twins will be in high school together for one year. Uh-huh. And Kyrie goes to the middle school.
Speaker 1:And then Kyrie and the twins will be in the same high school for one year. It's just fascinating to see. We only have a few more months
Speaker 2:of having anyone in elementary school. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like, I only have two more semesters of school not counting this one. I'm not gonna count this one because I'm on it. So it's just like, I'm excited and also nervous at the same time because like, I know that I need to prepare to live on my own. But also like, I know I need to enjoy these like last few months because things will never be the same again. Like, in 2027, who knows what's gonna happen?
Speaker 1:I'm excited to see what will turn out. Excited to see the movies that are coming out. I'm excited to just just like enjoy my senior year for what it is. Like, I'll have senior skip days. I'll have because I just like go off campus during lunchtime, which I've never had before except my ninth grade year I snuck off campus.
Speaker 1:Do not do this. I got in so much trouble, but I was in love. It's a long story. But I got in so much trouble. Don't trust my advice.
Speaker 1:But it was still fun while it lasted. Like You're so funny. When you
Speaker 2:say you've gotten so much trouble, what does that mean to you?
Speaker 1:To me, it means like, because I was doing so much stuff like sneaking off campus, I was failing my classes, I was not in class on time. I was having to go with the principal. I went to ISS full time that year. I was grounded some days, some weekends because I was not keeping my grades and my assignments in check. Was just like after like I was just like, you know maybe I should change my behavior.
Speaker 1:So I started going back into, hey I'm gonna be the good kid. And not only that because when I was the good kid, I was the snitch. And so I was like, Nobody likes that. So I started changing my good kid behavior to just be, I'm gonna be the good kid, focus on myself, and just get through the school year without like, you know, stitches get stitches, which I approve of.
Speaker 2:So when you say you've gotten so much trouble, you mean mostly with yourself. Yeah. Even which is part of that maturity of holding yourself accountable.
Speaker 1:Yeah. How do you how do you
Speaker 2:tell the difference? I don't mean to be interviewing you. I just you're sharing so much. How do you tell the difference between, like, trying to be the good kid because you've experienced your own natural consequences and are like, that's not actually what I want. So I'm going to make different choices.
Speaker 2:How do you tell the difference between that and like fawning that we've talked about where you sort of have to fake being good to make other people think you're good as part of surviving? I think for me
Speaker 1:the difference is because when you're like actually being good, it feels good. But when you're spawning, like it doesn't feel right. Because not only are you lying to yourself, but you're lying to other people. Like, so like if I were fawning, I would be like, Yeah, I can I'll do that even if I don't really want to because like I just want to make other people happy even if it makes me upset. Like I'm running that now because I have a friend.
Speaker 1:I'm not gonna name her name but I hang out because I feel like I have to and it's draining me. And I hate that my one best friend this year is someone I don't want to hang out with yet I feel like I have to because like I keep trying to like end things with her, but I know that if I do, she's just gonna make it public because on Friday, she made a poem I knew it was about me. Nobody else. They were like, What is this about? And I'm like, It's about me.
Speaker 1:And she was like yelling and she was screaming and I was like, This was gonna be like when I am things with her, how do I do that safely? And it just feels like the more I hang out with her, the more I lose myself. And I don't want to hurt her feelings but at the same time, I'm like this is hurting my feelings just like hanging out with her.
Speaker 2:Our family has learned so much about this over the last year, where we can't stay in situations that aren't good for us or healthy for us. And also, that can be part of, like we talked about in family therapy, about coercive control, that can be part of the problem where when you try to set boundaries to be healthy, that people escalate. And when you set boundaries to try to establish safety or in response to safety not being respected, then people escalate. And that going public piece is hard. It's hard.
Speaker 2:Because like, school when someone like, I'm in high school and so I don't want
Speaker 1:to hurt her because then I feel like she will go into one of those on the internet. But I'm worried that she would tell everybody and twist it to seem like I'm the bad guy. And all I want is to just get away. I'm like, I love you like as a frenemy but I don't want to be your friend. Like, if you're just gonna drain me and not respect my boundaries like at Boys and Girls Club I go to Boys and Girls Club to catch up on homework, which I did.
Speaker 1:I had like five missing assignments this week and I got them all done. Yay for me. Well done. And I I go there so that I can chill so I can then come home and vibe and not be overwhelmed with school stuff. I don't go to boys and girls clubs so that I can constantly get annoyed and then come home and spread mood because I don't want to do that.
Speaker 1:I want to come home, count with my mom, maybe watch a few horror movies or chill on my phone while Alex is watching Survivor, which I get. But Survivor's not really my thing even if, oh, he loved it, so I'll watch it because it's something that we can bond over. And then maybe I can tell mom how much I hate Survivor or I could hang out with my younger sister. We could paint together and I could hang out with my brother and we can play Pokemon which all of a sudden I am addicted to because I got a game and now all of a sudden I'm like, this is actually super cool. For my whole life, I was like, Pokemon is for boys.
Speaker 1:Pokemon is a nerdy game. I'm like actually I am a nerd so it's okay for me to play. You've also looked really hard at gender and what it means and what it doesn't mean. Yeah and so like I used to tell myself that I couldn't do things because oh it's for boys and I'm like actually I can do whatever the flip I want because like like coming here I've seen a lot more like girl police officers. I've seen a lot more like Black police officers and I'm like, This is the first time I've been introduced to a Black police officer.
Speaker 1:I was going to get a job actually at Starbucks and this Black, really awesome police officer came in and I was like, Oh my gosh. I was like flattered and I was like, Hey, can I like talk to you for a couple seconds? And she was like, Yeah, what do you need to know? And I was like, Well, is it possible that I could like continue on my path and like actually become a free selfless dude? She's like, Yeah, actually you can if you want to, you can.
Speaker 1:And I'm like, I can. And she's like, Yeah, it's not. Like, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it's scary. But just because you have one limitation doesn't mean it has to stop you.
Speaker 1:And I'm like, you. And I was like, and then I went back and I gave my mom the code to apply to Starbucks because it's all online. I hate that all online nowadays because I was like, I would prefer if I could go meet the manager, talk, be like, Hey, this is why I want to work here. Here are my qualifications. I have a food handler license blah blah blah blah blah.
Speaker 1:Babysitting kids and stuff like that and then like a couple weeks later they call you back and say, Hey, you I like meeting with you. Here's the next step you can do. And I'm like, Oh, okay. I can do that. I hate that.
Speaker 1:Everything is so online nowadays that it's taking away my time. Like in the past week, it's just like so into I'm just gonna say Starbucks because who wouldn't? It's awesome. And be like, meet the managers and stuff like that. Like, I feel like I'm maybe in the wrong generation with that stuff because like online is just so bad.
Speaker 2:And they're using a lot of AI so it skips people. A lot of people are frustrated with that. When you talked about the limitations for being a police officer, you're talking about your ears and having to pass the physical test. And you lived in two states where they told us absolutely not, you could not. And here they're like, No, you just need accommodations.
Speaker 2:Yeah. That's part of the difference of living here, part
Speaker 1:of why we love it. Yeah, like, in where we lived before, which is Oklahoma, they were like, No, you can't. You have to be able to hear so, so much. I'm like, I can only hear 80% and they were like, You need to hear better. You need to be able to hear without any aid.
Speaker 1:And I was like, I can't do that. And they were like, Then she's another job. We don't want you to death. And then I moved to Idaho and they were like, Yeah, we don't want that either. Then I moved here and I was like, I don't know if I can do this.
Speaker 1:I need help. They were like, You can have accommodation. We can like the government has to do that stuff. That is required. Like you're legally required to have accommodation that can help you with this job.
Speaker 1:And I currently work at McDonald's and they don't even let me work. I've gone three weeks so far, maybe even more. I've lost track at this point. Where like when I first got my job, I used to work Tuesday through Saturday every day four to seven and I love that because for me, it was a lot of money. For me, even if I know there are people who work like forty hours or sixty hours, I've been watching TED which is hilarious but I'm not gonna go into that just yet.
Speaker 1:But it's just that for me making $16 an hour at the time, I make $17 now. I don't mind sharing that because it's
Speaker 2:a minimum wage here. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And like for me, it felt good because like I can pay for a phone. I could pay for car insurance. I don't know how much that is at this point but we're trying we're working towards And then once I get that, I could go to the mall and buy myself. I don't know. I just thought like, Hey, could go to the mall.
Speaker 1:Could go hang out with my friends and get I'm just gonna say Starbucks again because I'm addicted to Starbucks. And I could just like do those things and then I told they were like, So can you start looking for an account? And I was like, I can try. And I started looking front counter and because as you know McDonald's, we have those like McFlurry machines. We have the fry machines beeping all the time.
Speaker 1:We have the ice cream machine that goes We have people yelling at their kids to be quiet. We have people playing music. We have the bathroom toilet flushing. I know that sounds gross but I can really hear that. I really would rather not hear that.
Speaker 1:I can hear chairs scraping. I can hear people playing music when they're not supposed to be playing music in the back where we wash the dishes. And I can't focus on like 80 sounds and hear people at the front counter and they're like, If you can't work front counter, what can you do? And I was like, Well, I could be I could carry tray that out. I could work the fry machine and I can cook.
Speaker 1:And they're like, okay, we'll consider that. And I haven't had a, I haven't been able to work for the past five weeks. So instead of letting you go, which they're not allowed to do to fire you because of
Speaker 2:a disability, they've reduced your hours. Yeah. And
Speaker 1:it's making me mad. And like, I so want to quit this job, but if I quit it, it looks like I'm quitting because I'm acquitted. When we out and that's all of the my employees see, that's all they see. They don't see that I'm struggling because I'm Deaf and they're not letting me work hours because they think that I'm too Deaf to hear. And so
Speaker 2:I'm kind of trapped. It's a hard thing about jobs, getting a new job before you let go of one job. Yeah. It's really tricksy. And when, when anyone is violating us because of what, like in oppressive ways, it feels extra icky.
Speaker 2:And it also activates stuff from memory time a You, little you mentioned something that made me think of I can't remember what you just said that made me think of your eyes and driving too. What do you
Speaker 1:wanna say about all that? Oh, yeah. So I have this eye problem. I forgot what it's called, where, like, my eye drifts.
Speaker 2:But it's also different than lazy eye, they said. It's like that, but it's different. Something else that you've already had surgery. One time on
Speaker 1:it when I was 12. So I don't know what it's actually called but the root of the problem okay. But when I was in first grade, you know how well, this was way before Stranger Things, but I'm just using that as an example. In Stranger Things were like when Will activates his powers, his eyes roll back into his head. I did that in first grade to scare a friend as a vet.
Speaker 1:She's like, I bet you can't scare me. I was like, Okay, I guess I can't. So, then the next day I came back and I was like, I don't even know how I learned to do it, but I did it. And my mom thinks that because I'm doing that, it's weakening the muscles in my eye, which makes sense because you roll your eyes back into your head. You're kind of messing with the muscles.
Speaker 1:And so, I've done that a lot since watching Stranger Things. Why not? It's super cool that I'm the only kid in my family who can. And I'm passing on to Carrie A, which is a super bad idea. But hey, she's gonna have the consequences just like me.
Speaker 1:And so because of that, my mom thinks that's the reason. I think the reason that it's happening is because, I don't take that good care of myself. So like, I'll be doing like random things like I'll be like scratching my face and I'll accidentally poke myself in the eye and I'm like.
Speaker 2:And also we really, like, don't think it's about why is it your fault? I think it's just a thing. Yeah. You don't know if you were just born with the thing or if it's one of the things from that head injury where you lost your ears before you came in foster care.
Speaker 1:That was an interesting thing too.
Speaker 2:And it probably- Because it impacted your brain, which impacts your ears and eyes, and you lost your hearing then. So we don't know what caused it, but I don't think it's because you're naughty.
Speaker 1:And so like, I started noticing it come back because like eye doctor did say that it would take about five years for therapy again. I was 12. I'm almost I'm 17 now, almost 18. And it's like I'm worried about driving because when my eye goes into double vision, I like can't see if there's a color in front of me or next to me because like my eyes shift. So I'm like the Roger is yelling at me like there's no color in front of you, there's no color in front of you, trust me.
Speaker 1:The driving teacher. Yeah, the driving teacher. Sorry, didn't clarify that. And I get scared because I can't see it or like when I'm trying to shift lane, I can't see if I'm shifting the gear up or down or like, it is terrifying because if you can't see when you drive, you can't drive.
Speaker 2:I did not know this was happening to you again until driving school when you said he was yelling at me about changing lanes, but I didn't know which lane he was talking about, but there was only one lane. And so, or like the two lanes, right? Going this way and this way. And so that's when I was like, woah, wait, how many lanes are you seeing? How many cars are you seeing?
Speaker 2:And that's when we started to figure it back out and went back to the eye doctor and now back to the surgeon. Yeah. We, yeah, the license piece we can figure out. True. You're, you've studied for the testing part and you're not bad at driving when you can see.
Speaker 2:And also you can't drive if you can't see.
Speaker 1:I mean the test, like we, we took that test all the time. Like the practice test and I was like, Easy peasy. But like even like when my instructor was telling me to background the corner like I was like, Which corner am I supposed to back around? It's like like see two different corners. He's like, There's only one corner.
Speaker 1:Just back around that corner. And I'm like, I can't. And he's like So he had me like he was like, Is something wrong? And I might do it on finite because I didn't want to tell him because if I tell him I can't drive. And so I just like gripped the seat.
Speaker 1:Was like, I didn't I didn't have a higher power. So I was just like, save me. I just gripped the seat and I put the my hand up like 90 degrees like what's supposed to my back from that corner. I'm like I hope I did good enough.
Speaker 2:Oh my goodness. That's something we've talked about for several different things recently with with y'all is how to not be alone when we're afraid of things or when things are hard. Yeah. So you don't have to be alone in it, even when it's something we can't fix right away, like waiting for your surgery appointment.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Like in where we live, if you're 18, you can take a bus. Like one of those like transportation bus. You can take classes for that for free on the bus. They'll like show you how to pay, how to get on trip, which routes go where.
Speaker 1:And that actually sounds really nice because I think those buses go all the way out to Seattle, right? And they go out to like, it goes pretty far and I'm like, that's what I need. Like, if I don't, if I'm scared to drive, which technically I am because I don't want to accidentally caught an accident just because I can't see. Yes, there
Speaker 2:will be no driving until you can see. That is a firm boundary love.
Speaker 1:Yes. Like I need to get around like I or I could have, one of my friends drive me around because I have a friend who can actually drive and actually have it full on license. Or I could when Alex eventually gets his license he offered to help me and I'm like, I love you but we don't get along as well as I'd like. We'll have to see in
Speaker 2:the future how things roll out. Well, think you guys go through normal sibling. You get along really well and also need breaks from each other. But as adults, you really need your own independence. It's we talk a lot about in your IEP, even like you and I both are at risk for losing our eyes for different reasons.
Speaker 2:And we're already deaf. So that's extra scary. So we talk about things like how do you get around independently if you can't drive like the buses or even in the house, learning how to have your path set up and people not moving things in your way so that you're not in danger of falling over because someone moves something where that you didn't know where it was. Yeah. Or like tactile sign language, what that's like, how that's different than just signing in the air, signing on an arm or a body or a back, and how they use those kinds of things.
Speaker 2:Like learning more and more about some of those things as part of preparation. And then hopefully, it's not completely worst case scenario right away. But even if it is, the worst case isn't actually bad because you're prepared and independent.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So like Accommodations. I currently have a cat. And well, yes, I love my cat sometimes at night because Artemis is a tuxedo cat. She's black on top and white on the bottom.
Speaker 1:It's very hard for me to see where she is. So what I did is I arranged my room so that she doesn't like shoot by the door and expect to be scared how do I say that's appropriately scared the poop out of me. And like because like before I move my furniture in a way that she doesn't like do that, I was always stepping on her tail. Court Artemis, she's so like over it. She's stepping on my tail.
Speaker 1:She's sassy. Yeah she's sassy. So I she and I are working on boundaries. So I would tell her no going by the door and I've trained her a lot actually. She knows what do you want a dinner or breakfast meal?
Speaker 1:Are you hungry? Go to your room. When it's time to go to my room, sometimes I let her out because like we're going outside and I'm like, I'll ask you to go out of the bag and say, Go to your room. And she's like, Oh okay, I'm going
Speaker 2:to my room now. And it's a fair boundary to not be stepped on.
Speaker 1:Yeah and I have in the past, every like two months, I would arrange my room a different way because I got bored. But I'm like, I'm gonna stop doing that because let's say something does happen and I end up losing vision all of a sudden, I want to know exactly where everything is. So like, I just stopped doing those two month things where I rearrange my room and then mom gets upset because I move it without her permission or I'm making too much noise in the middle of the night.
Speaker 2:It's a timing thing. It's a timing thing. You can do what you want with your room, but it's a timing thing for everyone else being able to sleep.
Speaker 1:I have this thing like I don't go to bed until like almost midnight because I just have a really hard time falling asleep and so I stay You're
Speaker 2:a night out. That's okay. Yeah. Okay.
Speaker 1:And like I get up every single day at like seven so like I get like seven ish hours of sleep which is I'm supposed to try to get eight hours of sleep but like I just like staying up late at night because for me it's how I get my best ideas. I don't know what it is but like I'll just be like working late at night doing my math homework or writing my stories or I stopped using my typewriter because it really annoyed Alex. I was like, tap, tap, tap, tap. He was like, stop.
Speaker 2:Not after bedtime. But it's okay that some people are night owls and some people are morning people. What's good is that even if you stay up, you still get up on time for school things And like so that's what matters for now. But within the, like the boundaries of what do you need for functioning? But you're pulling it off in a way that you're comfortable in doing well.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I'm not
Speaker 1:like my dad who stayed up on his phone listening to podcasts. I'm like, know that dissociation. I do it too. I love my phone. I will say it out loud.
Speaker 1:I love my phone. I if I like I have an issue with if I have a device in my room, I will not sleep at all that night. So we have this thing, we call it the computer aisle and like we will put all of our devices in there. If somebody has an issue, mom takes it to her room because she doesn't want it up all night, every single night doing what we're not supposed to do.
Speaker 2:We are all nicer if we get enough sleep.
Speaker 1:Yeah and so I'm training myself, hey if I put my phone in a certain place then I will not touch it. When I turn 18, I will have the conversation with my mom and be like, hey I think I'm ready to take my phone to school or hey something like that. And then mom will be like I'm not sure we'll talk about it later. Yes I love my phone and yes I love having it on me but I think school is more like you need to focus, need to be in class, you need to do all this. And then like, I'm like, Oh yeah, too.
Speaker 1:And besides, I have a computer. If mom needs to tell me something, she can email me or she can call my teachers or text my teachers because like. I do, don't I? Oh yeah, yes she does. Like there was this one morning, I was supposed to have a cavity pulled because currently I have like five apparently because I don't believe in flossing.
Speaker 1:Do not do this. You only have to floss the teeth you want to keep. Yes, I know. But I have this very strong policy against flossing. I do not know why but I think it's just that when I was younger, I lived into my biological family and I didn't learn basic hygiene skills.
Speaker 1:And when mom tried to teach me flossing hooked and I bled a lot and so I got scared. So I started thinking I'm never flossing. It's trauma. Trauma's hard. Yeah and so I didn't floss.
Speaker 1:I haven't been flossing since but my dentist was like you need to floss and I'm like okay I'll start flossing. And he's like do you know you only need to floss at night? I'm like Wait, what? He's like, Yeah. He's like, That frosting at night, I brush my teeth more than I should.
Speaker 1:I like, I'll do this thing like, I obsessively brush my teeth. Like, I'll go one round and I'm like, I smell my breath and I'm like, Nope, not there yet. But I brushed my teeth three times before I'm like, okay, that's good. And sometimes we can think about
Speaker 2:it a little bit like a pendulum swing, like from the big clock. And like when we don't know or have trauma or something, it's really hard. And so all that avoidance, and then we sort of pendulum swing the other way where we try really, really hard, but that's still in response to that trauma. So like over time with practice, that kind of settles down more into the middle.
Speaker 1:Yeah. I don't frost but excessively brush my teeth. So it's a huge punishment for me when I'm like, I don't want to frost but I love brushing my teeth. Like when my brother, Kirk, got his braces. Mom, you made me tear all the brush.
Speaker 2:Hi. We're recording. Welcome home. Did you get me some books to read?
Speaker 1:Yep. No. Got more in in the the back. Back.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:Did you get do you have more? Thank
Speaker 2:you so much. No. You're so strong. Did you carry some of the books?
Speaker 1:I picked them up. You picked
Speaker 2:them done.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening.