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Conversations With Thomas is a podcast where humor, heart, and a touch of sass collide. Hosted by Thomas Kevin Dolan, each episode explores raw, real topics like self-compassion, healing, and the delightful mess of being human. As the seventh of ten kids, Thomas didn’t always have a voice—now he’s sharing it with you, and trust us, you’ll want to hear this.
Expect vulnerability, laughs, and thought-provoking questions that dive into subjects most people avoid (because, let's face it, some topics just need to be tackled). With a mix of wit and wisdom, Thomas takes you on a journey where you might cry, you might laugh, and you’ll definitely feel a little more connected to yourself and the world.
New episodes drop every 2nd and 4th Monday. Tune in for a dose of honesty, heart, and just the right amount of quirky.
Welcome to Conversations with Thomas. I'm your host, Thomas Kevin Dolan. Pronouns are
he and him. Blessed to record this podcast on the sacred lands of Hawaii,
the ancestral home of the Kanaka Maui. With profound reverence, I honor the original
stewards of these islands whose enduring wisdom, strength, and aloha continue to
nurture and inspire this land and its people. Today I'm going to blend wit with
wisdom, and I think I do that on all my podcasts, (laughs) so you might cry, you
might laugh, and you'll definitely feel more connected to yourself and the world by
the time we're done. How's that for an intention, and yet how's that for a
projection on you for me? I'll own it. Today we're going to dive into one of my
David anecdotes to modern life's chaos. Jomo, the joy of missing out.
Yes, joy, not regret, not that nasty FOMO, the fear of missing out,
joy. Let's explore why sometimes staying home is exactly what your soul and your
nervous system ordered. I actually did that these past four days. Solitude was my
intention. My husband always asks, "When he squits away or I scoot away, what is
our intention for our time away?" His was harmony with his family for four days in
San Francisco, and I got to stay here in Honolulu by myself. I chose solitude. I
chose Jomo. Let me talk about something I call FOMO's frenzy.
Most of us have been there, scrolling Instagram at 11 p .m. I'll own it I don't
have a glass of wine I might have something bubbly not alcoholic I'm looking at
someone's blurry selfie caption best night ever my brain starts doing gymnastics why
wasn't I invited am I a loser are they having deep life -changing conversations about
me and without me and splitter. They're probably just arguing over the bill.
Oh boy. This, my friends, is FOMO, the fear of missing out. Psychologists link FOMO
to what is called a social comparison theory, where our dear brains can't help but
measure our behind the scenes against everyone else's holly reels. That triggers the
brain's reward creativity, actually reward threat circuitry, dopamine spikes from
perceived opportunities mixed with debit anxiety from feeling excluded.
It's pretty exhausting. And if you're not careful, you start making life choices
based on not wanting to miss something instead of actually wanting to be there. Now
that sucks. Think of FOMO as that The ex who keeps texting you up,
it doesn't care about your well -being. It just wants to keep you on the hook.
This is cute. I'm calling it Jomo's Sweet Relief. Now, Jomo,
with a question mark, Jomo is like that friend who says, "You don't have to wear
pants if you don't want to." It's the relief of knowing you're exactly where you
need to be, grow it up in the couch with your beautiful dog beside you,
or your cat,
eating soup straight from the pot, watching a show you've already seen five times.
No guilt, no explaining, no judgment. Author and activist, Audre Lorde says,
"I am deliberate and afraid of nothing. They knew.
They knew Jomo. Choosing Jomo is deliberate. It's really a refusal to be yanked
around by the endless pull of more and must from our culture. It's a radical act
in a culture that actually worships, right, kowtows to busyness. And let's be honest,
half the things we feel bad for missing wouldn't make a top 10 list of life's peak
moments. I remember thinking to myself, and I've never heard anyone say,
"You know, my life turned around after that one network mixer at Denny's." Here's a
breath of science. Psychologists note that our brains need downtime. Unstructured,
unproductive time. To process emotions, consolidate memory, and spark creativity.
This is thanks to the default mode network, the brain's backstage crew that lights
up when we're resting, when we're beautifully daydreaming, or simply reflecting.
When we're constantly on and chasing every invite, our cortisol levels, that's the
stress hormone, they stay elevated, dopamine regulation becomes erratic, and sleep
already plummets. Over time, that means poor mood, reduced resilience, and even
impaired immune function. By contrast, intentional solitude stabilizes dopamine.
It lowers stress hormones and keeps, it lets your brain perform essential,
I call it neural housekeeping, literally clearing out waste proteins. Actually, well,
you rest. poet, and author, and spiritual guru,
and all things miraculous, my Angelo once said. Every person needs to take one day
away, a day in which one consciously separates the past from the future.
I'm going to suggest that Miss Angelo knew Jomo is how you give yourself that even
if it was just a quiet evening at sweatpants, like the last four evenings of my
weekend work.
I want to present something I call the self -compassion layer. Jomo isn't about
isolation or avoiding people forever. It's about aligning your choices with what
actually nourishes and nurtures you. That might mean saying yes to a party one week
and no the next without actually sparing into guilt or fear. Think of it as your
life's menu, there we go, just about, just because dessert exists on that menu
doesn't mean you have to order it every time. Civil rights leader Shirley Chisholm
said, "Service is the rent we pay for the privilege "of living on this earth." I'll
add, we also pay with our energy. And if you're always overdrawn,
you're not good to anyone. Jomo is how we make regular deposits back into ourselves.
Plus staying in means you avoid that awkward goodbye hug where you both go left and
then you go right and end up accidentally slow dancing in the foyer.
Here's a couple of examples. This is the practical part of my podcast. How to
practice Jomo and Landon when I call a mindful gnome. The next time you get an
imitation, pause and check with your body before you answer. It never lies.
Remember the science of lie detection is based on the discomfort that can be
measured in our body. Our bodies never lie. We've just been cultured out of
listening to them. If your shoulders tighten, if your breast shortens,
or if you feel a subtle kind of hug, especially in your gut, which for me is
connected to fear or anxiety,
take that as a sign.
Take it as a gentle no that your body is giving to you, a gentle no might be
your kindness, yes, to yourself.
Here's some ingredients for creating a recipe of Jamal. And these, as often as I
can remember, I employ in my life. I pause before saying yes. I ask,
"Do I actually want this? Or am I just avoiding missing out?" I've curated my
social feeds. I unfollow accounts that make me feel less than.
I know that they can't make me feel less than, but when I check in with my body
after listening to a little bit of the stuff on these accounts, my body says, "No,
this isn't for you," and I unfollow them. I actually schedule solitude. I remember
years ago, somebody being really upset when I said I needed a loan time, And then
20 plus years later, she would come back to me and say, "I really find myself
giggling what I say to my friends. I need a load time." And they kind of berate
me. And she said, "I'm so sorry for doing that with you so long ago. Solitude
scheduling is really important. Put it on the calendar like any other commitment.
Have a go -to Jomo ritual. How's that? A go joe mo ritual. It might be PJs for
you. It might be no clothes for you. It might be a beautiful tea. Might be reading
poetry. Might be long baths surrounded by beautiful, beautiful candles. It might even
be questionable reality TV. No judgment. Whatever refuels you. And then plan,
plan a monthly offline adventure. a day where you do something for you.
Without documenting it, no photos, don't friggin' post it. It creates your presence
with you.
And here's something I'm gonna call my crafty coaching promo with a FOMO twist,
how's that? If you've been living your life in a constant fear of FOMO, chasing
other people's dreams, voices or their approval, that's where my heartlet coaching
comes in. I help people reconnect to their true north, their own voice so they can
stop scrolling other people's highlight reels and stacks, start actually living their
own. It's like trading your old fear missing out for a shiny new faith in your own
life. Consider booking a discovery call with me. It's free. It's fun. And you won't
have to dress up unless, of course, you want to. Click on "Begin Your Heart
Journey" on my coaching page at thomasdolin .com. ThomasKevinDolin .com.
My mother would be upset that I didn't use my middle name. And let's create a life
where the only thing you're missing is regret. So back to the podcast.
So this week, I challenge you to choose Jomo at least once. Let someone else's post
those blurry party photos. Let them post them while you bask in the quiet joy being
exactly where you are. I learned this the hard way. I used to be a chronic yes
person. If something was happening, I had to be there. Part pupil pleaser,
part human Wi -Fi connection. Yet over time, I've realized that constantly chasing out
there, meant I was abandoning in here this beautiful heart of mine. I was burnt
out, overextended, running on caffeine, obligation, old Catholic guilt,
and the occasional chocolate chip muffin. Now I practice Jomo like it's a sacred
art. Here is a practice for me. It's actually my personal Jomo practice.
The first thing I schedule white space like it's a meeting with Beyonce. If you saw
Beyonce in your calendar, you wouldn't cancel, right? Neither would I.
I block off time for me. I'm inviting you to block off time just for you, no
excuses. It's how I get to with downtime, boost creativity and problem solving
skills. Number two, I turn, this is cute. I turn do not disturb to do not
apologize. My phone has a setting that silences the world. Oh, I'm getting better at
using it all the time. I don't explain it. I've discovered in studies actually show
constant notifications spike cortisol, your stress hormone. So giving my brain silence
is actually self care. And I think great self care. And the third,
I've upgraded my "no" into an art form. A lot of friends say this to me. I
remember a vice president in an organization I worked with some time ago said,
"Thomas, you are the clearest. You have the most profound sense of clarity." And of
course, she wanted to know how I did that. I don't write a novel explaining why I
can't go.
Like me, try thinking for... Thanks for thinking of me.
Try this with somebody. This is what I'm trying to say to you. When somebody
invites you, your no could be turned to an art form with this technique. It's this.
Thanks for thinking of me. Yet I'll pass this time. Polite, firm.
It leaves room for me to be free to eat grilled cheese with dill pickles in my
robe. Who knew? Thanks for turning into this episode of Conversations with Thomas.
If something here sparked a flicker inside you, pass it along to someone standing at
their crossroads because good vibes deserve company. Ready to quit sweating the small
stuff and start owning your power? As your coach, I'm here to walk beside you. My
husband and I, we brewed this podcast from heart. Healing, a breath of science,
and the occasional existential meltdown when tech decides to throw a tantrum. The
executive producers, me and my brilliant husband, Adam Mah, who somehow takes my late
night voice notes of philosophical spirals and random musings and turns them into
something that mostly makes sense, were a two -human studio filled by love,
curiosity, and at times an unhealthy amount of noodles. Until next time. Choose
presence over pressure. Choose peace over panic. Choose the joy of missing out.
Choose you.