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We reach new levels of weirdness on a brand new Pick Six Movies with Super Mario Bros. No, not the new one, the old one with Dennis Hopper being creepy, Mario getting kinky, and Luigi getting choked on fungus. Oh, also lots of Mojo Nixon talk. Grab your belt, we’re taking a wrench to this leaky movie!
Pick Six Movies is a movie podcast where each season we select six movies, all related to a single theme. We examine the history of the people in front of and behind the camera, try to make sense of how and why the movie was made, then discuss each one in way too much detail to see if they are any good.
Pick Six Movies is hosted by Bo Ransdell and Chad Cooper, two life-long friends with a shared passion for discussing things they barely understand in an attempt to make each other laugh.
[Music]
And welcome to the Pick Six Movies Podcast where each season we select a topic and then we find six
movies that are all related to that topic and then on each episode we pick one of those six movies
and we give you all kinds of history and information on how and why this movie got made
followed by a full review from start to finish to see if the movie is any good.
[Sigh] You know, Pick Six Movies Podcast. I'm Chad Cooper, one of your two charming
hosts and along with my lifelong and dearest friend Mr. Bo Rand's do we find ourselves smack
dab in the middle of season 24's theme pop culture club featuring six movies that were all
based on wildly popular pop culture phenomena. This is episode four and we are featuring the movie
Super Mario Brothers based on the old school Nintendo video game. Now I know what you're thinking,
isn't that movie notoriously terrible? Yes, yes it is. Oh and I forgot to mention that we mostly
watch and discuss terrible movies on this podcast. Super Mario Brothers has Bob Hoskins from Who
Frame Roger Rabbit and John Leguizamo from The Past or Spawn or Chef. Chef's a good movie. He was
in Chef, that's worth watching. We got Dennis Hopper from Easy Rider and Blue Velvet. Oh,
Mojo Nixon shows up to really make you scratch your head. There are dinosaurs and incoherent
narratives, extraneous characters that should have been left on the editing room floor. This
movie's got everything. It's a real mess. But there is a reason that this movie is a real mess.
And to explain how bad things happen to good actors, let's get Bo in here to explain how
one of the most popular video games of all time went down the tubes in this terrible big screen
adaptation. Bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, bo, get in here and tell these people how this stinkeroo got made.
You may not know the name Shiguru Miyamoto, but you live in a world he helped to create.
He was born in a little town north of Kyoto to a father who worked as an English teacher to
Japanese students. Before he found his true calling, Miyamoto wanted to be a manga artist.
He got a degree in industrial engineering and something about this blend of the creative and
the practical would make him a video game legend. He loved creating and even modeled toys of his own
design. And he was a dreamer given to flights of fancy and imagination. To make him an honest man,
his father introduced him to Hiroshi Yamauchi, the president of Nintendo. This was way back in 1977
when Nintendo's video game profile was slight, mostly they made card games and novelties.
Miyamoto showed off some of his toy designs to Yamauchi who hired him because of his creativity
and probably mostly because of a mutual friendship between Yamauchi and Miyamoto's father.
Stupid Nepo Babies.
A year after beginning work at Nintendo, Miyamoto encountered an arcade machine called Space Invaders.
While working as an apprentice in the planning department, Miyamoto worked on the art for Nintendo's
very first original arcade game called Sheriff. His first job in helping develop a game was an
ill-fated arcade game called Radar Scope. When Western buyers got a look at the game,
they passed. And not just passed, they left Nintendo with a bunch of arcade cabinets
and nowhere to put them. Yamauchi, the president of Nintendo, saw financial ruin for Nintendo on
the horizon but came up with a pretty good idea. Why not use these cabinets, which they had a
bunch of, but put a different game in them. As Miyamoto put it later, there was no one else to do that
job so he was drafted to make a game to fit the Radar Scope cabinets. Miyamoto drew on the
influences of literature and film. He wanted to create a love triangle in the vein of King Kong
or Beauty and the Beast or even Popeye, a property Nintendo tried and failed to license.
So, Miyamoto changed Popeye's villain, Bluto, into an ape, but nothing too scary or disgusting.
To quote Miyamoto, "A hang loose kind of guy." He would be the pet of the player's character
and in love with the character's girl. It was the first time in recorded history,
an actual story preceded the programming of a game. Speaking of, Miyamoto was many things,
but a programmer he was not. Gunpei Yokoi was tapped to lead the team and he worked with Miyamoto
to make his new game, called Donkey Kong, a reality. Miyamoto had grand visions, including
different levels and ladders and different ways for the characters to move. The programming team
complained Miyamoto was making the program the same game multiple times, but eventually they
were lent to create a rotating set of stages for the main character to climb and jump through.
There were barrels and flaming balls to avoid and when the game was done,
it was sent to Nintendo of America for testing. They were skeptical. Most games were single
screen shooters like Asteroids or maze games. This was something entirely different, but it's
what they had to sell. Nintendo of America came up with a few names, like Pauline for the female
character, named after the wife of Nintendo of America's warehouse manager, a woman named Pauline,
and the character rescuing Pauline from the villainous Donkey Kong was called Jumpman.
Donkey Kong was a hit in a sequel Donkey Kong Jr. followed in 1982. Donkey Kong 3 arrived in
1983, and Miyamoto's legend began. His next game would change the entertainment world forever.
Miyamoto wanted to use Jumpman from the Donkey Kong series in his next game. He changed the
outfit from that of a carpenter as was intended in the Donkey Kong representations and worked with
Nintendo of America to give Jumpman an actual name. They chose to name the character after the
Nintendo of America warehouse landlord, a guy named Mario Sigali. And so Mario was born.
Not only did his name and appearance change, he was given a brother, Luigi, and superpowers,
at least according to Miyamoto. He and Luigi would be able to fall from any height, and their
adventure would take place under New York City. There was a maze of sewage pipes for the brothers
to explore, and it would have a two-player mode reminiscent of the popular arcade game Joust.
But in 1985, Nintendo released the Famicom or Family Computer in Japan, a home video game system.
Along with the release of this console, which would be called the Nintendo Entertainment System
in the United States, came two games developed by Miyamoto. The first was a sequel to the arcade
game Mario Bros. This one called Super Mario Bros. In a bold move, the game would be included
with the console, making it both a sales incentive, and a landmark in-home video gaming.
Along with Super Mario Bros., Miyamoto shepherded the release of The Legend of Zelda.
A big departure for Miyamoto and games as a whole. Most games, including Super Mario Bros.,
were linear. Mario moved from left to right, jumping his way through the level. In Zelda,
the game would be non-linear. Players could guide their character in any direction,
and the puzzles they encountered might have more than one solution. It was the kind of innovation
in gaming that would pave the way for the multi-billion dollar industry it is today.
Miyamoto expressed an ability to create worlds for gamers that could immerse them completely
in his vision. For Zelda, Miyamoto drew on the fields around his childhood home near Kyoto,
his adventures jumping creeks and discovering caves. Miyamoto recalled the joys of rounding
a bend to discover a lake, and wanted the player to feel that same sense of wonder and exploration.
Even the mazes were reminiscent of his childhood home with its sliding doors,
making a maze just like the player would encounter in the game.
During the life of the Famicom, or NES, depending on where you bought it, Miyamoto also developed
Kid Icarus, Ice Climber, Excite Bike, and sequels to Super Mario Bros and the Legend of Zelda,
making each new incarnation bigger, bolder, and more complicated.
When Nintendo upped their console game with the Super Nintendo Entertainment System,
or Super Famicom, Miyamoto was tasked with developing another launch title,
a sci-fi racer called F-Zero. He also worked on Star Fox and two more Mario games, Super Mario World,
which would introduce the dinosaur Yoshi and Super Mario RPG, a role-playing game developed in
concert with Square Enix, who made the Final Fantasy series of games among others.
That game takes place in the Mushroom Kingdom, which appeared in later Mario games, and kind of in the
movie. As if that weren't enough, Miyamoto also assisted Satoshi Tajiri in the development of
Pocket Monsters, Red and Gold, which marked the introduction of the Pokémon franchise. Miyamoto
even helped guide the social trading aspect, which launched the Pokémon franchise into the stratosphere.
The introduction of the Nintendo 64 brought Super Mario 64 and two more Zelda games,
the Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time, often hailed as one of the best in the franchise,
and Majora's Mask, often confusing. This brought the games into the 3D era, while new spin-offs like
Mario Kart and Mario Party also developed alongside with Miyamoto supervising.
Nintendo's next console was the GameCube, which brought a new spin-off Luigi's Mansion,
a haunted house game featuring everyone's favorite plumber brother. When Yokoi, his mentor and friend
who helped develop Donkey Kong, died, Miyamoto picked up development of Metroid Prime, and then
went off to create Pikmin and Pikmin 2, which were inspired by Miyamoto's love of gardening,
and of course there were sequels to Mario, Zelda, Donkey Kong and have zero.
Nintendo dipped into handhelds during this era too, with the DS. Old games found their way to
the portable platform, while the invention of the Wii and its motion controllers gave Miyamoto
a new set of tools to play with. Miyamoto's influence continues as he holds a creative
director position within Nintendo, acting as a sort of consul yeria fund for a series of new
presidents of Nintendo. He famously does not focus test his games, only gauging whether a game is
fun or not by his own personal scale. He said, quote, "that's the point, not to make something
sell, something very popular, but to love something and make something Wii creators can love,
it's the most important feeling we should have when we make games."
Miyamoto has been hailed as the Spielberg of video games, arguably the most important
video game designer of all time, and still, he's a humble guy. He prefers not to appear on television,
only showing up on stage for Nintendo's shows to introduce new games or new consoles.
He plays the guitar and the mandolin and the banjo, he loves bluegrass music,
he's a quiet perhaps even a shy man who quietly and profoundly change the world.
It was no surprise then, given the massive popularity of the Mario games,
that someone sometime would make a movie adaptation. In Nintendo, way back in the early 1990s,
believed that the Mario brand was so strong that offering a license up to a filmmaker with a vision
someone who might experiment with a concept was not such a bad idea. Enter Roland Joffee,
an American producer behind such diverse films as The Killing Fields, Fat Man and Little Boy,
and that horny Gary Oldman adaptation of the Scarlet Letter,
he met with then-president of Nintendo, Hiroshi Yamauji, and pitched them on a story idea,
something akin to the tone of Ghostbusters, using the Mario character. He left there about
$2 million lighter, but with a license to use Mario in film. One of the factors in the licensing
was Joffee's assurance Nintendo could have complete creative control, which Nintendo declined.
They felt they had no idea how to make a movie, and besides, Joffee was a professional,
he'd made The Killing Fields for God's sakes. That was a mistake Nintendo would never make again.
The first script was sort of a road trip movie written by Barry Moro, who had made waves with
his script Rain Man. His version was often referred to as "Drain Man" because it was criticized as
being too dramatic and frankly not much fun, and also kind of like Rain Man.
Next came Jim Genewine and Thomas Parker, who were known for their live-action adaptation of
The Flintstones. Their take was inspired by The Wizard of Oz, a movie where our plumbers find
themselves in a magical world. They wanted it to be a buddy movie that sort of skewered fairy
tales in the process. Genewine later acknowledged their draft was not unlike the Shrek films in tone.
Greg Beeman, the guy who directed that license to drive movie, was selected to direct and the
movie moved into pre-production. Unfortunately, Beeman also directed a movie called "Mom and Dad
Save the World," a movie that bombed hard enough that Beeman was shitcanned from the Mario movie.
So Joffee, the producer, went to Harold Ramis, who wisely declined, and after a few more misfires,
Joffee landed on the creative minds behind Max Hed room. Rocky Morton and Annabelle Jankle,
a husband and wife team with a very distinct sensibility.
Drawing on their love of Tim Burton's 1989 Batman, the directors and producer Joffee,
agreed that the movie should have a darker tone than the whimsical Wizard of Oz draft of the script.
A new screenwriter, Parker Bennett, was brought in to add these darker elements,
drawing on things like Mad Max, Blade Runner, and Die Hard, you know, kids movies.
They envisioned the story as a prequel to the games, an origin story of the plumbers,
and their adventures in these crazy pipes. Bennett said quote, "We were aiming towards funny,
but kind of weird and dark." Super Mario World had already come out and served as a
video game inspiration for the dinosaur land of the movie, a location that existed in the game,
along with the new character Yoshi. During this stage of development, Joffee determined that the
movie was too funny and dismissed Bennett and his writing partner Terry Runte,
and two writers named Dick Clement and Ian Lefranay,
writers of the likely lads in Uffweida's Ain Pet, whatever the hell those are,
they were brought in to restore the dark tone and add a dash of feminism to the script.
It was on the basis of this script that Bob Hoskins agreed to take the role of Mario,
unaware of the fact that there was a video game at all.
When his kids showed him the video game and the character that he would be playing,
the story goes that he said, "You know, I was kinglier once."
So the rest of the cast filled in, including John Leguizamo as Luigi and Samantha Mathis as
Princess Daisy, and of course the often insane Dennis Hopper as the villain. There were other
possibilities for Mario, Dustin Hoffman originally was signed on, and then Danny DeVito, who also
would have directed. This was a version I would absolutely love to see of this movie.
Tom Hanks was up for Luigi, but he was passed over after he had gone through a string of box office
flops, and at that point in his career was kind of box office poison. This was also the same year
that he would shoot Philadelphia and come on to win an Oscar, so things worked out for him I guess.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Michael Keaton were offered the role of Cuba
before production landed on Hopper, and then the role of Toad was offered to
Kruner Tom Waits, but he declined. However, Rockefeller punker Mojo Nixon's manager said
they could have a two-bit Tom Waits for a third of the cost, and Joffy signed Mojo Nixon up.
So with the cast in place, Joffy now believed the film was too dark and skewed away from the
intended family audience. Also, the effects that were called for by the script were a little
beyond their budget, so without telling the directors or the cast or the crew,
Joffy hired new writers to change the script one more time.
When the cast and crew arrived in Wilmington, North Carolina to shoot the movie, they received
the new script. Morton and Jingle, the directors, who you may remember, had originally done the TV
series Max Headroom, contemplated walking out, but they decided that they owed it to their cast
and crew to stick it out with them. Meanwhile, Bennett and Runtay came back to add some more
to the script while Ed Solomon, one of these new writers, also worked through production.
It was truly building the plane in mid-air. The production design was inspired by Tim Burton,
and his surreal, beetle-juiced-like visions of alternate dimensions, and while they are primitive,
a lot of the visual effects work was pioneering at the time. Even the practical puppeting effects
of the dinosaurs are kind of impressive. Producers of Jurassic Park visited the set to get some tips
on making their own puppets for that movie, which I probably don't have to tell you, was way more
successful. Still, there was a sense that things were going wrong. The directors were managing a
production nightmare, and in response, Hoskins said he and Leguizamo would drink every day
before shooting began. Hopper, who had signed on for five weeks, ended up spending 17 on the
North Carolina set, and he was one of those who would later say in interviews that the whole thing
was a nightmare. With directors arguing with each other, Hoskins kind of checked out, even though
I think he gives a pretty good performance. And Leguizamo and Samantha Mathis just trying to get
through this film that was supposed to be kind of a break for both of them.
A few weeks before filming, Disney purchased the distribution rights for the movie,
and Joffy was straining to force the movie into more of that family-friendly mold,
where the directors and crew were trying to make the bleak, offbeat comedy they signed on for in
the first place. According to Leguizamo, the directors were shooting scenes of strippers and
sexual-hy explicit material that would wind up on the cutting room floor in favor of dancing goombas
or whatever the hell they are. After production wrapped, Morton and Jingle were locked out of the
editing room, while second unit reshot some of the movie. Finally, unappealed to the director's
Guild of America, got the filmmakers back into the editing booth, but the insistence of the producers
to cut the movie using analog techniques meant the process was slower and disallowed some of the
effects to be completed, whereas the original directors wanted to use digital editing. Sounds
like a minor thing, but kind of a big deal. And when the movie was finally released,
it was the disaster everyone feared it might be. Worldwide, the movie brought in about $40 million,
which was not nearly the success everyone had hoped for, and the critical response was even worse.
The LA Times said, quote, "It's a movie split in two, wildly accomplished on one level,
wildly deficient on another." Siskel and Ebert, those old stalwarts,
put it on their list of the worst movies of the year in 1993. And supposedly,
there is something called the Morton Jankle Cut, an extended version of Super Mario Bros.
that exists as a sort of work print, sort of like the David Lynch Dune, in which there's a rap,
which you can hear a little of here.
"Yeah, if you get the feeling you're on automatic pilot, you're going through it
emotions like waves in the ocean, that life is a series of brainless notions and you want to
feel something more than empty emotions." "When we met Tupac Lumber, who had an idea,
they showed us a light and a new frontier, and Luigi, no one's rain, we got to take a stand
and put up a fight." "Well, stop and think this through, it's time to get rid of you know who,
a radical development is taking place, and Spike will set the pace. Koopa, the party Boopa,
the Boopa Super, it's a crying shame, he's got a so tame, it really is lame."
"We're all so dumb being under his thumb."
"Be proud reptilians, we number in the millions!"
"Look at these gumbas!"
"Shutna style!"
"The rule of force is the rule of this clown, Koopa, the party Boopa."
Also, some of that sexually explicit material found its way in there, it's a real mess.
But can the movie, as it stands, this theatrical version of Super Mario Bros.,
can it really be that bad? Well, there's only one way to find out.
Let's get our resident Goomba in here to do some dancing for your pleasure.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mario's and Luigi's, it's 1993's Super Mario Bros.
2.
[Music]
"Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop!"
"Welcome back everyone!"
"It is the only video game podcast that I'm aware of on the internet,
but this time we are diverting from our usual talk of video games and game related shenanigans
to talk about a movie."
"Wait, wait, wait, wait, is that this podcast?"
"No, it's the other podcast that you do with Joey Joystick."
"Oh, Joey Joystick, that guy's always got to take on something.
Hot take Joey."
"Right, this picks six movies. I vote this is, uh, this is Chad."
"Hey!"
"A Goomba if ever there was one."
"You can just call me King Koopa."
"Oh, you know, I didn't put that together. Now I feel really stupid.
I feel like I should have introduced you that way."
"I'm glad you didn't."
"I mean, low-hanging fruit right in front of me."
"Do you go see this new Mario Bros. movie in the theater that everybody's seen?
It's made like a bedgillion-jillion dollars."
"I have not seen it."
"No, I mean either. You want to know why? Because I'm a grown damn man."
"I would take kids to it. I'll probably watch it when it hits one."
"You're van in the shop?"
"Hey, hey, get in the van. You're going to see Mario?"
"Hey, the ice cream van, the music thing is broken. It doesn't play the high-piper-esque
to your two lower children."
"I would like to see it just out of curiosity because I do enjoy the Mario games and Mario
Kart and all that stuff. And I'm enough of a mark that if you throw enough references to stuff,
I know that kind of dirt bag."
"Hey, look, roots rainbow road from Mario Kart."
"Yeah, the bar for illumination entertainment is pretty low for me. There's not a whole lot
that they put out that's worth a damn. And so I'm like, all right, if you can somehow stumble
over that bar, good for you."
"That's honestly one of the things that kept me away from it is because I saw
minions the rise of grew in theaters."
"I'm so sorry."
"And that thing was unendurable."
"I find all of those despicable me movies to be unwatchable."
"Yeah."
"My son grew up as those movies slowly rolled out and just one after the other,
those felt like movies that were written by Frenchmen."
"And I'm like, well, there's something culturally different that I'm just not getting, you know?
Like, or a movie that was like, oh, the people behind this, the triplets of Belleville,
something like that. There's a weird deep cut. You know, when you watch it, you're just like,
"Well, there's something that's being lost in translation in how you're defining good guys
and bad guys and what's funny and what's not. For some reason, all of these movies have seven
acts, but they remove four and six just to keep you on your toes."
Like, that kind of shit. Those movies were, every single one of them progressively just got
worse and worse and worse for me."
"For a second there, I was very curious what you meant by this feels like it was
written by French people. And what I pictured is Mario just smoking at a cafe.
What is the point of all this jumping? I jump on a mushroom, I jump on a turtle."
"How many coins do any of us really need?"
"I jump on Zifflag, I ride it down, fireworks go off over Zcastle over and over again."
"What does it matter?"
"To what end? Luigi, put down this straight razor. Life is worth living or not. Actually,
give me this straight razor."
"The princess is always in another castle. Why should I even bother to use my head to make
blocks above me bounce up and down?"
"Bring me my wand!"
"Lays of gentlemen, welcome to French Video Game Theater."
"But are we recording? Have we started yet?"
"No."
"I have recorded many movies."
"And welcome to pick six movies!"
"Well, I'm excited to be here."
"But this is a real eyeball movie, Super Mario Bros. I mean, not the animated one,
but this 1993 kind of curiosity. And it was one of the first video game movies.
And it was one of the reasons that there weren't a lot of video game movies for a while."
"What else is in there? Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter?"
"Yes, Raul Julia's last film, RIP. Raul Julia."
"I gotta say, that Street Fighter movie is terrible. Raul Julia, terrific in it."
"He's great in everything."
"That whole bit of outlook. For you, the day that Bison graced your village and killed your father
was the single most important day of your life. For me, it was a Tuesday. You can't beat it."
"I was probably like 12 or 13, and I watched Kiss of the Spider-Woman with my mom."
"Oh, wow, that's uncomfortable."
"How fucking weird was that?"
"And it was my choice."
"I was gonna say why on earth, but knowing the movies that we watched when we were younger,
like we were real like budding cenophiles and we're-
"We were weird, man." "Stringly adventurous."
"We were the kids at the back like Bartun Fink, Bartun Fink. That would have been us,
because we were just into that shit. We watched unironically wanted to see Bartun Fink,
not because we like the Goan brothers, you know, and that doesn't totally surprise me.
"I think you and I got in that beat up Sorrocco that my dad, and drove like 40 miles to go to a
theater to watch Roger and me."
"Yeah, oh for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"I had my driver's license and you were like a few months away like,
'Dude, we could totally go see Roger and me.'"
"Yeah."
"We went to go see Barry Levinson's Avalon, and we were like-
"We soaked about it."
"We saw it once and a while, like that's not enough. That movie deserves more."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"It was like a date trip."
"Uh-huh."
"Yeah, yeah, uh-huh."
"But, right, like, oh man, we're such little assholes. I love it."
"Super Mario Brothers, I didn't see this movie until recently. I heard it was bad. I never
needed to watch it."
"I remember watching about half of it on some cable channel and just being like,
'Yeah, I'm tuning out. This isn't very good.' And then I just went on my merry way."
"So until we did it for this particular episode, I'd never really sat down and watched it."
"And let me just say, based on your intro, it all makes sense. They came and said make a movie
based on this IP. There's no backstory. There's no plot. There's no characters."
With Nintendo being like, "Just do something."
And this is what you got.
I don't fault the filmmakers for the product that they ultimately produced.
It is like going to a child on Mother's Day and saying, "Hey, go in the kitchen and make breakfast."
And when they come in and it's just a fucking nightmare on a TV tray,
then you got what you asked for.
I think this is largely a producer problem, as you heard in the introduction.
The main producer of the film saying like, "No, no, no. It needs to be darker."
"Oh, wait, wait. It needs to be lighter."
"Okay."
"No, no, no. Forget what I said. It needs to be darker again."
"Oh, but Disney's putting it out, so we need to make sure it's good for the kids."
"Yeah."
"When you're trying to please everybody, you please nobody."
If the movie had just been this weird dark, blade runner-esque thing,
which it kind of is, but it's not totally that.
And so it fails. And if it had just been a kids movie, that would have been fine,
but it's not totally that. And it fails.
It's trying to appeal to so many different perspectives.
And you just can't do that.
I got to tell you, on my first pass, clearly it has hints of The Wizard of Oz or Alice in Wonderland,
but to bring it more in line with when the film came out,
it kind of reminded me a little bit of Labyrinth.
These movies where you take a character and send them to this fantastical world
where crazy weird shit happens, and that's what this movie really is.
In fact, I would argue that this movie would make more sense
to someone who had never heard of Super Mario Brothers, unlike the garbage fail kids.
Like if I show garbage fail kids into somebody and they don't know what garbage fail kids are,
they're lost, okay?
I think the flip side is true here.
That because you're constantly drawing comparisons,
we, "Oh, that's this and that's that," creates more confusion.
If I showed this to a 10-year-old kid now who'd never played any of the Mario games
or heard of that property, it's not going to make more sense,
but it's going to make more sense than for people who were aware of that.
Does that make sense?
But yeah, because the problem is when you're watching it as someone who knows the games
and the influence that they've had on pop culture,
you're constantly looking for things like, "Oh, look, there's the Bobam,
and there's a Bullet Bill, and look, there's a Thwomp, and you're Goombas,
and here's this reference to the Mushroom Kingdom."
And everything is kind of there, but they're in a way that doesn't quite sink with what you expect it to be.
Right.
That's why I said, I think, to you offline,
it's like somebody played a game of telephone with the video games
and told someone who told someone who told someone else who told the director what the games were like.
And as a result, it just turns into this thing of like,
"Oh, yeah, all that stuff is in there, but it's in there in a way that is
deeply unsatisfying if you're into the video games, and utterly baffling if you're not."
All right, let's get into it.
No, we're starting, okay.
Let's just kick things off here.
We start off with the classic Hollywood Pictures logo.
Nothing says, "You're in the 1990s movie theater going experience,
then this particular production company."
It was a simpler time, though.
When only one production company made a movie instead of this parade of investment,
corporation logos that you see nowadays.
And Hollywood movies was sort of like Disney saying,
"Yeah, we want to put it out, but we don't want the Disney name on it."
It was the stuff that it almost went straight to home video,
but we'll put it in the theater for a few weeks anyway.
So we get, at this point, the signature Super Mario Brothers music from the video game,
and for a moment, you're like, "Hey, this might be good."
Actually, up through the first 20 minutes, I would say, I'm like, "Okay, okay."
Nah.
It lost me right after this music.
Like, after we got the ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
I was like, "Okay."
And then as soon as I heard Dan Castellanetta doing the voiceover of the Sega Genesis graphics,
I was out.
This is awful.
The narration, by the way, Chad, just to set the stage for both you and the listeners,
is a long, long time ago, the Earth was ruled by dinosaurs.
It's not that at all.
It's a long time ago.
The world was ruled by the dinosaurs.
They were big, so not a lot of people went around hassling them.
Actually, there was no people around at all.
Because they were dinosaurs and people went around back then.
You know what?
I know some people at the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky.
They would disagree with you, sir.
The ones who have the posters on their wall of Jesus writing the Velociraptor.
A Ugov survey within the last five years showed that 40% of Americans believe that dinosaurs and
people were on Earth simultaneously.
As a public school teacher, Chad, I am shocked that they knew that dinosaurs weren't made up.
You think that two out of five people that went to see this in the theater and they heard
Homer Simpson's voice saying that dinosaurs and people did not coexist were like,
"That's it, kids!
Get up!
We're getting the hell out of here!
It's bullshit!"
It's a big enough world that happened at least.
Go on Homer, we're watching the Flintstones movie, just the way God intended.
I came here to show my kids a movie where two plumbers jump around and fight dinosaurs.
I do not want a history lesson.
Thank you very much, Super Mario Bros. movie.
Woe, Mario Bros.
More like it.
That's why it's going broke.
Woe means broke.
Let me just say right now, anyone listening to this podcast,
if you've ever claimed that something is woke, please turn it this off and go away forever.
We don't want you here.
I don't want you here.
I don't want to speak for BOW or the rest of the Picsix movie staff or any of our interns or all the-
I don't want you here.
I'm tired of this woke nonsense.
Woke means you believe something that I don't.
If you's disparagingly, yeah.
I'm making a peanut butter and jelly.
Would you like crunchy or smooth?
I'm gonna have crunchy.
Oh, really?
You woke?
We're a smooth peanut butter house.
Get the fuck out of here with your woke crunchy peanut butter.
I would think that smooth would be woke because that's fucking with like God's honest peanut butter.
You think?
I've read the Bible Chad and the Bible is definitely pro crunchy.
I think it's in Deuteronomy.
Shipesses 12.
Peter Panthe, please.
There you go.
Peter Pantheons.
Choosing Messiah's, choose Jeff.
I think is how that went.
But yeah, so in this whole Dan Castle and Edith thing, he says,
"There was a giant meteorite that struck Earth and all the dinosaurs went away."
But then he says, "But what if the dinosaurs weren't destroyed?
What if the impact of that media created a parallel dimension?
Where the dinosaurs continued to thrive and evolve into intelligent,
vicious, and aggressive beings just like us?"
And hey, what if they found a way back?
And then before we get the title of the movie, everyone's like,
"What does this have to do with the Super Mario Brothers?
Aren't these people going to jump on the back of a turtle at some point?"
We do get the title, "Super Mario Brothers."
Like that's the buildup.
And it's just reflective of everything that's wrong about this film.
Yeah, it was so it starts like Brooklyn 65 million years ago.
Kaban, Brooklyn 20 years ago.
And I'm like, "Oh wow, okay, that was a big jump."
Brooklyn 100 million years in the future.
Brooklyn 30, two weeks from now.
What?
Stop it.
I just want to eat my popcorn and not have to think about the space time continuum.
Alan Sylvesteri did the music for this movie.
And there are a few moments where you get whiffs of Back to the Future
in this particular film.
When the movie starts off especially,
here we see this mystery woman running through the city streets of
Somewheresville at night in a big thunderstorm.
And this is where you get Brooklyn 20 years ago.
And I'm like, "What, from now?
From when the movie came out?"
I'm with you.
Just keep going.
And there are definite moments in this score that reminded me of Back to the Future.
And as this movie progresses,
I don't know that I've seen a movie for this podcast that is more drenched in the 90s than this film.
It felt like the dimwitted younger brother of Cameron Crowe's singles.
All of the Doc Martin boots, the Baby Doll dresses,
the soundtrack, and the artists that are featured,
it's really wrapped in "I Love the 90s."
Fashion, the sensibility of it, because it's got that sort of semi-cyber punk kind of vibe.
But no, white.
Yeah.
Like Johnny Numanic.
Yeah.
Why?
When that movie where they plug wires into dolphins heads and shit?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's a dolphin in Johnny Numanic.
You'll forget about that dolph Lundgren running around as some kind of cyber-priest.
That's a real stay tuned for this show.
Don't even worry about it.
And Johnny Numanic will happen at some point that whenever we get some like crack-putte sci-fi
theme season, Johnny Numanic will appear because it's just too weird a movie not to talk about.
We see this woman.
She's running through the city and she's got a little bundle in her arms.
This is where the movie makes its first egregious, confusing mistake because this woman running
through the streets, she's played by Samantha Mathis.
The actress who also plays Daisy in this movie, but knowing that Samantha Mathis is the female
lead in this movie, I was confused later when she showed up playing Daisy.
Because I was like, wait, is this the same character from the beginning of the film?
But they don't ever really touch on any of this because she's playing her own mother.
And they don't ever explain what happened to mom.
They just say that she died.
But this mystery woman, Daisy's mom, she drops off a little metal pod that has this
pointy crystal rock on top for safekeeping at this building.
Turns out that it is a covenant.
And the mystery woman, she bangs on the door and she runs off in the rain.
And then she disappears into the sewers, though, which I was like, well, that kind of feels like
a Mario reference with her going.
But it's not a pipe.
It's just like she removes a manhole cover and down she goes.
Was it just me or should there have been one of those lasers like they use at
Raves spinning around her with a smoky kind of look?
Do you know what I'm talking about?
To what end?
Just for style, just because it was the 90s.
I thought you were meaning as a plot device.
Oh, no, of course.
She should have had maybe a glow stick in her hand or two.
She runs off.
I think you're right.
The idea of her being her own mother or looking like her own mother is one of those things that on
paper I kind of get.
But it's confusing in the movie.
And maybe there was something more like there's an all-handed line later about how she has her
mother's eyes, but it's not quite enough to justify that, I think.
I'm just going to go ahead and pepper this in right now.
It shouldn't have been her mom dropping her off at the nunnery.
It should have been a different character, but we'll talk about that later.
It shouldn't have been--
It should have been--
It should have been Lana, but maybe or somebody else, somebody that was close to her,
but we're getting ahead of herself.
The nuns show up and they open the door and they're like, "Jesus Christ, there's a little
middle box out here.
Let's take it inside."
And instead of calling the police as normal people would, because this thing looks like a
bomb casing, they take it inside and they pray over it.
[blows raspberry]
Like, that's going to do anything.
They open it up and inside, though, there's not a baby but a giant egg.
And that's where you call the authorities.
Somebody left a ginormous egg on our doorstep.
This is not human.
It needs to be quarantined until we figure out what the hell this thing is.
Eventually, the egg cracks open and then what they find inside is what appears to be a human baby.
And here, these nuns have two choices.
One, except this as the second coming of Christ, but Christ is now a woman.
Or two, murder this thing as the unholy abomination that it is because it's clearly the anti-Christ.
I mean, there's no other path forward for these nuns.
They should be bouncing this thing and drowning it in holy water.
Right. Or just taking it to the toilet and kill it.
Also inside, this canister one presumes is this rock.
You talking about the little pointy crystal?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's on top of the casing.
Okay.
It looks a little bit like the thing Superman showed up or something.
They just stuck it on top as an ornament.
And for those who haven't seen this movie, please don't.
It looks like something you would have bought from that store in the mall that sold dream catchers
and Katana swords and blankets that had Native Americans and wolves and shit.
Right. Like full Asian lawns.
Yeah.
Umbrella stand that's made entirely bamboo.
Yeah.
And this crystal clearly looks like something you might want to rub on your armpits if you
are opposed to aluminum based deodorant and you enjoy stinking and having people tell you how
bad you smell. That's what this crystal is.
Back in the sewers, Daisy's mom has played by Daisy.
She runs through the sewer tunnels that have suddenly now become subway tunnels
and she dashes along and she runs into Koopa who is played by Dennis Hopper.
Mm-hmm.
And Koopa just emerges from the shadows.
He's like, "Where's the rock man?"
I guess his loud screaming causes a cave-in of sorts and all these beams fall
and our mystery were woman screams.
Yup.
Hope she's okay, Bo.
Or whatever.
And then we cut to Brooklyn present day.
Right.
Our present day is of 1993.
We see a street corner and there's a store front for Fulton's flowers.
But in front of it is a work truck that very faintly,
like in sun-drenched, poorly scribbled paints as Mario Brothers plumbing,
why do we have Fulton flowers as the corner shop?
Why not make the shop Mario Brothers plumbing shop and they have a truck out front?
They talk about how they're going broke but there's a good way to show that.
Just have the place to be run down and fucked up and there's rats running around and you know
they got a bunch of stacks of papers that say overdo on it.
Mm-hmm.
Like okay I got it.
Right.
Just fix your shit man.
Movies are not that hard to make, especially shitty movies.
I did one.
It's easy.
You made two.
Yeah, yeah.
One of them's worse than the other.
But they both got made.
And in many ways better than this.
I would argue at least one of them is better than this, yes.
I would agree with you.
The question is which one?
The answer makes a surprise.
No.
So anyway, Luigi we made who's John Luke Wizamo.
He's laying on a couch watching some tabloid TV show about other dimensions and shit.
It's like this unsolved mysteries knockoff.
Except it's unsolved completely ridiculous mysteries.
The host is like what if there was another dimension?
A universe next door.
This is all foreshadowing of course because this movie is clever.
And Mario gets a phone call and he's like hey Luigi get your ass in gear.
We got a work to do.
And he tries to rush Luigi into action by just dropping boots on his dick.
Yeah and Luigi recovers pretty quick.
Dude you drop a couple of steel-tone work roots on my cock.
I'm out for the day.
At the very least I'm going to need five, ten minutes to recover.
And Luigi by the way is telling him all about like listen Mario they said there was on the show
that this guy's brain got tended to cheese.
We gotta go fix this busted dishwasher at the who cares restaurant.
Alright come on we're broke we gotta get to work.
Ah come on Mario you just gotta believe.
Anyway so on the way to the job Luigi completely screws it up by saying Mario I'm gonna follow
my instincts and I'm gonna go the opposite direction of the job.
And of course Mario played by Bob Hoskins who by the way is giving his all in this movie but
one man cannot support an entire film.
He's kind of playing the generic Bob Hoskins character which is hell it's
probably not much different than the character he played in Roger Rabbit.
Not much different at all but it's still kind of impressive especially when you know that he's
got this crazy British brogue really and doing a fairly good cartoonish Brooklyn accent like
this is the Mario that makes sense in my head.
Even though what he does in the movie does not but Bob Hoskins as Mario adds up that makes
sense to me and he's like what are you doing Luigi we're trying to get to this job and he's
like you just gotta trust me Mario I know what I'm doing.
You said turn right I'm gonna go left right like what that's you're going the opposite direction
of where the work is yeah I got a good feeling about this Mario you idiot.
It turns out I didn't want to do shit today and if we take enough left turns
then by the time we get there it'll either be fixed or somebody else will be doing it.
If we're lucky we'll get back to our apartment I can go back inside and keep watching that
television program but some I saw my nuts.
The next segment was all about some kind of dinosaur thing so they get there and there's
a rival plumbing company slash developer named the Scumellies there.
Their truck says that they do plumbing in London, Paris, Palermo, Beverly Hills and Brooklyn.
Clearly this is a money laundering front for the mob and also if you got a bus at dishwasher
you don't call multiple companies to show up in the first one their fix is it like if a company
shows up like you got to pay a rate to have them show up in an emergency that's not how plumbing
works I know from experience. Also just real quick Bob Hoskins looks like he could be Luigi's
grandfather in this movie. Well we'll get to that in a minute because there's a discussion about
his role but yeah so they get there and they're like oh Scumellies you you've done it again.
Then we cut to this archaeological dig where mr. Scumellie the owner question mark of this
multinational plumbing construction and plumbing. Yeah right is giving this big
speech about how they want this land and Daisy princess Daisy played by Samantha Mathis not her
mother shows up. You threw out that she's princess Daisy. Oh sorry. Now is that because you've played
the video game and you know that she's princess Daisy? Well partly that and also because they
call her princess about 3000 times in this movie. Yeah but it doesn't really start until like act
three and it's set off handedly and once somebody says it then everybody else picks it up. Yeah but
it's never really explained. It's like when you meet somebody for the first time and you don't know
their name like you know their name is Doug and then one of their friends who's known him a lot
longer call some D dog and you're like oh so he's just called D dog then and then you just start
calling him D dog too. You remember when you and I lived in government subsidized housing together
and there were three guys that were the like maintenance men and there were two of them named
Bill and then one day somebody referred to one of them as stinky Bill and we all knew which one.
Well sure I mean you get that descriptor. Right but it was like they're both like we're going to
send Bill up and you're like oh I wonder which bill we're going to get and then one day they were
like so did you get stinky Bill and you're like no no no we just got Bill. That was the first time
I ever saw a crack pipe when we lived there. I saw a crack pipe that old guy who passed out
and then we found his wallet and our buddy tried to use that old man's idea by beer and that didn't
work. I remember that. Remember that night that lady came to our apartment and banged on the door
screaming she wanted her cigarettes and we didn't let her in because we didn't know her and she just
went through a rainbow of emotions of anger, fear, rage, despair, sadness. Dude that was legitimately
terrifying. That was a good night. So you say I want my goddamn cigarettes. Thump thump thump.
I was like dude we need to get a gun like we should. And I didn't have a car. So I was like
walking the mean streets of Knoxville. I can't believe I'm going to say this on a public format.
One night I was so sick to my stomach. I had to have diarrhea in a public parking lot on my way home
from work. I've never heard that. I'm never going to say that. I don't think I've heard that story
before. That happened. I was on my way home from work and I got suddenly very sick and I was like
well I'm either going to poop myself or I got to find some shelter from the storm. Right. And I
look for a bathroom couldn't find one. The nearest thing was a public parking lot. So I found a spot
as far away as I could get from the road and just let loose. Just shit in the parking lot. Yeah.
Yeah. That's awesome. I'm not proud of it. But there's some curveballs sometimes man. You got
to deal with it. Welcome back to Ask Chat with Bo and Chad. Caller number two. You're on the line
west of the Rockies. I always just want to get a light bulb. L.E.D. light bulb.
How do I rectify put it in there? You know just see if it'll glow like Uncle Fester. All right.
Yep. What you're going to need to do you're going to need to get a small
bandsaw. The kind that they use to remove casts from people's arms and you're going to need to
cut into that one quarter inch horizontal then come in another quarter inch at a 45 degree angle
to create an opening to release the vacuum slides right out every time. All right. Well
I'll tell you what. Let me ask you one more question. I'll hang up and listen offline.
What if also there's a boa constrictor as well as L.E.D. light bulb. Okay. Thanks for taking my
call. Yeah just for that call right there. Same response. It's the old 90 45 but with any sort
of livestock as we always say you need to film it and send it in. All right. All right. We have
to have proof. No word from our sponsor. Cash for gold. Cash for gold. The company that gives you
the most money for the things that you value most in your life. Send it in to cash for gold.
Remember to use the special passcode keyword Ask Chat for an extra 10% on top of you selling your
most valuable possession. How would it not be Vaseline? How would that not be this sponsor?
Need something sticky and slippery that ain't? Drive Vaseline. Yeah. Yeah. The old
duty bottle indeed. Anyway. So Daisy you can edit that down and just pick it up there. Yeah. So Daisy
is like hey you can't develop this place because there's important archaeological stuff happening
in this tunnel. We're digging up dinosaur bones as long as the court will allow us.
And Scarpelli says hey look yeah we look like a smart girl. All right yeah I got a feeling
that you're gonna be done tonight. All right. Plus I hear there's a lot of girls going missing
in Brooklyn. That clearly is not even thinly veiled threat. That's just a threat. Is Scarpelli
abducting women? Is he human trafficking? Probably but it turns out he's not. Yeah but that's kind of
the implication. He's just capitalizing on a recent spate of crimes apparently to threaten
this poor woman. Yeah and on the first pass I didn't even pick up that all these women were
missing out of Brooklyn. Until we get to like the end of act two early act three I was like oh yeah
they did mention that earlier. Then we cut to two of our villains of the movie Spike and Iggy.
To call them villains they're this movie's version of Otis from Superman the movie.
It's like if Otis had babies with the Roxbury guys. I very apt way to describe them. Iggy Berg.
Iggy is played by Fisher Stevens. Uh huh. Who was an actor that studied with Uda Hagen and performed
in over 500 performances of Harvey Firestein's Torch Song trilogy on and off Broadway and he played
Eugene in Neil Simon's Brighton Beach Memoirs and he was married to Michelle Fife in the 90s.
Andy War Blackface in Short Circuit in Short Circuit 2 playing a man for Mindia. But all of that
should not be negated because of his terrible decisions to play an Indian man. The guy has worked
with everybody. He was in Isle of Dogs and the French Dispatch with Wes Anderson. He did a big one.
Yeah he did a big run on succession. He was in Hail Caesar from the Coel Runners. Yeah I missed that
one. He's been in everything. It seemed like he was gonna have a real career and then somehow he
ended up in this. Did he get a drug addiction or just bad advice? Hackers was a couple of years
after this and that was still a pretty big movie for him. But after that he just kind of fell into
television. Spike the number two is played by Richard Edson who you only know is the dirt bag
garage attendant that goes on a joyride in Cameron's dad's convertible in Ferris Bueller. He was
in Do the Right Thing too. Was he? Yeah yeah yeah. I don't remember that. Yeah yeah yeah. All I
remember from Do the Right Thing is Radio Raheem, Spike Lee, D'Mayer. Yeah I remember that. What's
this thing John heard with the bike moving into the neighborhood doing the whole can't we all get
a long thing. And what's her name? Shakin her ass at the beginning. Oh yeah yeah sure Rosie Perez.
Yeah. Yeah that's a good movie. That was a good movie. Yeah that was a movie we saw on one of our
day trips I feel like. Here's something nobody gives a shit about but you and me. Come on. These
are my favorite shoes. Did you and I see Rumblin the Bronx together? Yes we did. This was one of the
most memorable trailers ever I saw in my life because we were in a theater packed with military
personnel and like us seeing Rumblin the Bronx opening night Jackie Chan and they showed the trailer
for the Beavis and Budhead movie and not one person in that theater even knew that a Beavis
and Budhead movie was a thing and this theater lost its fucking mind. When they started playing that
opening guitar if you remember that. I mean I thought people were just going to start ripping the
chairs out of the floor and start beating each other with it in anticipation of a Beavis and
Budhead movie. That's terrific. And then that hovercraft goes over that guy and pulls his pants off
and Rumblin the Bronx. That's pretty good. Rumblin the Bronx is a great movie and I've been meaning to
go back to it's one that has come up in my memory two or three times lately and I tried to watch
Shanghai noon. Yeah. To get it. Sorry. It's not as good as you remember it. I've watched it recently.
My son is of the age that that's appropriate for him and I know we try to stay focused and we're not
doing a very good job on this episode. I do want to say just as a recommendation if you were a fan
of Beavis and Budhead that Paramount Plus Beavis and Budhead movie the first half of it is funnier
than it deserves to be. The back half of it loses its way a little bit but the first half of it
would surprise me at how entertaining it was and I'm I'm a fair weather fan when it comes to Beavis
and Budhead but it made me laugh the same way that the jerky boys movie did that it's both the nostalgia
part of it but the stupidity still lands the way that it should. Mike Judge turns out pretty good
writer director generally makes good shit. King of the Hill. Awesome. Silicon Valley. Awesome
Ur. Yeah. Road stories is that what's got earth tails from the road. Yeah. Also fantastic. All right
anyway we got to get through this otherwise we're yeah yeah we'll be talking about better things
than this piece of shit so yeah Iggy and Spike show up. Basically they're the and I put this in
sneer quotes comic relief of the film as they are trying to find Daisy like you said they're
dressed like the Roxbury guys and they're like kubo will kill us if we bring the wrong girl again.
So they're on the heels of Daisy. Meanwhile the Mario brothers fan breaks down because Luigi
doesn't know how to bother with a check engine light or use a clutch or read street signs.
I think that's why he's like go left or right because he doesn't know how to read. I think he's
just illiterate and ignorant. Mario is more caretaker than brother. It's a real like the other sister.
It's real questionable if their brothers at all. There which by the way I don't think that they
are. No no no no. I think he found Luigi in a trash can or something. The parents got a whiff of
how this kid was gonna turn out and took the easy way out and Mario had the dumb luck or the
stupidity to pick him up and be like maybe I'll take him home and see what I can make of him.
You're saying I can get a tax right off? What with this thing? Why not?
Independent why I always wanted one of them for taxes. Anyway the the van is broken down. Luigi's
calling for help while Iggy and Spike are following Daisy through the streets of Brooklyn and Mario
goes in for some water because it turns out that's all this car really needs all the van needs
and Luigi meanwhile gets all horned up when Daisy shows up to use the public pay phone and so he
just hangs up on whoever he was calling to fix the the van while we hear Mario in the background
yelling at the store saying everybody's got tap water yeah because apparently it buys him bottle
water or something and so he's putting water in the van while Daisy's making a phone call to say
look they need more security at the the archaeological dig. Yeah but Luigi was the one who gave her the
quarter to make the call he's like does use needs to be using the phones here takes one of my
quarters is here yeah you smell so good you look so pretty you're so fine you might if I stand
uncomfortable close to you while you make your telephone call dear I heard your name is Daisy
like the flower no shit idiot well and Mario is watching all this go down and it's just like
ah son of a hey just go talk to her and don't sound like an idiot hey you you look like you're
in trouble we got a van you want to get into back and we'll take you somewhere as and she's like
uh okay and I'm like no yeah that's abduction and rape 101 never go to a second location and they
are absolutely trying to take her to a second location if someone shows up with a van and says
do you need a ride the answer is no it is always no but she gets in with him and iggy and spike
are watching all of this go down is that chloroform oh my gosh what are all these rags
or duct tape that's weird shovels why what are you guys do for a living
Jackie Lum is in the back squirting the hypodermic sedivism mouth oh we've got one huh what are all
of these maps to the middle of nowhere what's this box mark trophies with all these bracelets
and drivers licenses in them but they end up driving her to the college shockingly and Luigi asks her
to dinner hey what's the use of a eats foods and and drinks and things at night oh yeah would you be
interested in going to dinners with me and my brothers marios over here is uh do i have to pay
for anything marios does she has to pay for any things and no we got to cover kid nah you can just
come and eat whatever she wants is okay so we immediately cut to the date that night that mario
and his busty girlfriend daniela uh-huh it's a double date with Luigi and daisy this is like the
date from the fisher king yes where his girlfriend is like oh my goodness daisy you need a tan how
about you come by the shop sometime you want to make sure that you wear something that doesn't
give you tan lines because you know when guys are looking at your bed tits they don't like tan
lines so much we were real classy tanning salon when you come in we got these little playboy bunny
stickers you put one right up here and you tip before you get in there when the guys see that
they know you're down to play all right which begins the weird horniness of this movie and this
is a horny movie for one guy's horny it's me is everybody i got to bonus in my pants all right Luigi
we'll get into the big birth of stuff later with mario but is a sub he wants to have somebody step
on his nuts that's probably why he's driving the boots on louis G's dick he's like hey does the apple
fall fall from the tree he's secretly hoping that he repays the favor come on man don't you want to
get revenge on me hey there's a bowling ball in the closet i'm gonna go to sleep now in the nude
with no blankets did you see that jerky boys movie they always talk about jagging each other in the
ass you ever thought about doing that to somebody but this is a movie that definitely wants you to
know that mario fucks i don't think he's really tied down to any woman when he says girlfriend that's
a label that he applies to a lot of different people sure during this dinner daisy says i'm a
dinosaur science research person that's what she says and she says and we're digging to find a
location where the meteorite that hit earth landed and it killed all the dinosaurs first off it's
called a paleontologist not dinosaur research and second the reason i know you're not one is that
you've never heard of the chixula crater in the yukatán peninsula which is widely to believe the
location of the meteorite that crashed that killed all the dinosaurs it did not happen in brooklyn
next to a flower shopper wherever the hell we are she basically is talking about her weird meteor job
and also she says she has this special crystal necklace that she got from the mall only she doesn't
say that what she says is she's had it ever since she was a kid when she was and i quote found her
exact words are i know it sounds weird but it's the only thing i had on me when i was found yeah you
know it sounds weird saying that you were found weirdo and louisci was like what's that yeah i was
found too because nobody wanted me neither and the busty girlfriend of mario daniela is like listen
i got an idea how about me and my mustachio plumber here take the van back and get down while you
and daisy walk home we could take the van back it's fine and so that's what happens they take off
and iggy and spike end up instead of following daisy and louisci they follow mario and daniela
in the van because they're idiots oh she's wearing a disguise oh of course she is we get to talk about
fisher stevens in this movie and the fact that he has no eyebrows yeah it looks like he's going
through chemotherapy or he's pink floyd so yeah thought you you and i went to high school you don't
need to believe this name because i am a hundred percent sure this dude is not listening to this
podcast uh we went to high school with a guy named bony swafford that's a name i've had a long time
yeah and he showed up at school one day in our junior year of high school with no eyebrows and
everybody's like what and i think he tried to play it off that he lost a bet or something but again his
name was bony swafford so write your own fan fiction as to how that happened bony swafford would be the
name of the silent weird character that nobody sees in an off off off broadway production of
to kill a mockingbird like if you just swap booradly for bony swafford and you've got the same character
but yeah so louis g sees daisy not home because they start debating who's weirder and he's like
if and you understand that i'm not a good guy and he wants to get out of this day to something
then that's fine i understand but if you want to talk about how you don't like to talk to me
you can always talk to me about that she's like uh all right let me ask you a question do you
really think my job is cool he's like what do i think it's cool you should see all the tv shows
i watch that stuff is the coolest ever and they talk about dimensions and dinosaurs and stuff all
the time i think your job is incredible oh my god like would you be interested in coming down and
saying the dicks i oh for reels is like so i can come down there and like ride a dinosaur and stuff
well but yeah you can come down and ride a dinosaur yeah let's go get petted and everything i'm gonna
name one of them i'm gonna call it louis g wiji some like that yeah let's go ride dinosaurs she's
like all right come on let's get you off the streets meanwhile iggy and spy grab daniela
there's a very quick scene of them nabbing her mario kisses her good night he leaves when they
grab her bow she starts screaming and yelling and they drag her off no one in the neighborhood bats
and i and then you just see like a random hand from the super put a for rent sign in our window that
seems a little insensitive doesn't it yeah well you know real estate's valuable we had it let prime
new york property just sit there so at the site louis g and daisy are going down this tunnel and
she's showing off some fossils and saying like these dinosaurs have opposable thumbs it's like a
monster trying to be a man all right number one uh louis g does not know what the word opposable
makes number two there is a less than 20 percent chance that he could pick out which digit on his
hand is a thumb and the bones that she's showing him look like something from a playground at a
children's museum it's a science museum fossil to be sure and he's just kind of
tromping around on it where's the one i can feed he got me some of that dino chow i got a quarter
all right i'll put it in i'll feed it die so for my hand i don't care and daisy is doing this
middle checklist of like daisy you work so much and you don't get out and you can't meet anybody
and this guy's a real adult but he's got kind of big dick energy and that's what you're looking
for right now i like i'll put the chow in my my hands uh-huh you know go if he bites off one of my
thumbs i got three more left i'm gonna be fine all right it's i got a bunch of honey okay okay
daisy you can do this just go home with him don't let him know where you live you're on the pill
you've got an iud you've been vaccinated for everything for the next week you can fall down the stairs
repeatedly you're gonna be okay days they haven't made that abortion drug illegal yet we're still
good and so they're about to kiss and then water bursts out of a tunnel and you see a couple of
scapelli guys right off hey let's get out of here the movie does this weird thing where Luigi and
daisy leave go get mario who straps on his belt of tools and then they go right back to the broken
pipes where mario starts to do his plumber thing and the one thing i will give this movie is i like
the fact that mario's plumbing skills come into play repeatedly in the movie yes because he's a
plumber right you got to do something with it and they actually do something with it and right
meanwhile iggy and spike are wandering around the tunnels because there's zero for five in
abducting the right woman and iggy says you know listen if we show up empty handed again koop is
not gonna kill us he ain't that nice and then he gets this weird like jedi force sense that daisy is
nearby right while mario is getting the pipes fixed and they're about to like turn open or
close the main drain right get knocked out by you again spike yeah again spike grab daisy and then
within i guess moments mario and louis come to come to they go chasing after mario stops them at one
point is like no don't go that way we got to go this other way over here louis g i've been listening
of pipes all my life that sometimes this sound can fool you and you're like oh that's something
that'll happen later in the movie no that's just anything for this scene and then they end up they
on the set for the finale for the goonies down here this is our time louis g says he goes into one room
this is the men's room remember that in the goonies when all the boys are going to go piss in one
cave and the girls are going to go in another and then uh the older brother is played by josh bro and
he's like this is the men's room and he goes in there and pisses next to the girls that's gross you
know it's the weirdest men pissing scene that i can think of at this moment it was in i was in
jeepers creepers too when the bus breaks down and like these four dudes go off into a cornfield to
piss and they all take a piss and they're all shoulder to shoulder pissing i explained to my
wife that no man that i've ever known in my life would ever be in a cornfield and be this close to
another man pissing was that also directed by victor salva because if so that would make some
sense absolutely it was okay well then there you go i'm gonna hide over here in the low cut grass
in front of you to make sure it's framed up properly the guy who made the movie powder and then went on
to be credibly accused of child molestation shot the shoulder to shoulder pissing not a stutter should
should we do the movie powder at some point is it too troublesome that is a movie that is bizarre
powder yeah powder is a weird one if we do a season with powder we also need to do that one
where john travolta gets a tumor in his head and he gets superpowers not quite superheroes the
season something like that i would be down for that okay so in the goony said mario and luigi find a
wall that isn't really there and daisy's face keeps popping out of it in this bad cgi thing where
she's like mario help me luigi and while he's reaching for her luigi snatches the mall crystal
from her neck why would he grab her arm or her hand instead he grabs this loosely dangling crystal
medallion he's trying to choke her to death that's mario's thing hey hey why don't you put that
around my neck give it a nice tight squeeze that's the problem with growing up with mario is that
your sexuality is all screwed up because you've got a guy in the house that's just constantly like hey
pick this plunger here that we were using on the last job and just just put me in the
ass a couple of times with it comes in the bedroom mario what's this you doing there um i'm i'm
practicing tying a tie but that's a belt get out of here why are you not wearing any pants why do
you haven't lived around the door handle and why are you leaning down towards the floor why should
p p pointing towards the window get out of here luigi you're not trying to world's greatest dad are
you i said get out of here i'm a plumber you're not trying to in excess are you you're not going
to come fool yourself are you this is a episode it's taking a weird time i like it i'm talking about
butt stuff and weird sex i i did not expect this coming into the booth today but here's the thing
anytime we do like children's movies for some reason those tend to be the filtiest episodes
and i don't know why that is that it's probably says something about moral failing on our part
but it's just how it is let me remind you of the marz needs mom's episode and help
rotten that one got yeah that was pretty bad anyway so lemme try mario jump after and then they
end up flying through some windows 95 screen savers ah look at all these pipes yeah oh
toast is a flying around this mario and they end up landing in another tunnel and they hear
daisy like they're hot on the heels of daisy and iggy and spike and they give chase and then they
just open a door to a music video set of really any dorandaran video and there are chain link
fences and there's this like latex which later they call fungus but it's just dried latex draped
over everything the koopa name is everywhere because it is this fascist version of brooklyn
they're posters it's a vote koopa koopa can't lose election was on a headline of a newspaper they see
daisy being shoved into a car and they end up yelling for her and leaning on this railing which
collapses gives weight under the weight of mario because he's the fat one although bob hoskins really
isn't that fat he's just a short dude with dad bod he's kind of barrel-chested not really fat
it's what the park calls for again i think he makes a good mario although i am interested in that
danny devito version just to see what that would have looked like yeah so they end up falling down
and sure enough there's a couple of like little dinosaurs fighting over a piece of meat or something
and they're like right what is this this movie doesn't do a very good job of explaining the rules
of this new world so like people are walking around but some of them have lizard heads or
partial lizard heads a woman walks by with a baby stroller with a giant egg and she's like get away
from my baby and all i can think about was the woman in my neighborhood that does the same thing
with this small elderly poodle in a stroller she's a crazy person yeah anybody that pushes a dog
at a stroller there's something going on you got issues louie g says i got some feelings
that when that's in brooklands anymore is marios and you're like okay so it's a little wink at the
audience about the wizard of ours here we get our first glimpse of uh koopas mutated soldiers
the goombas which look like three kids stacked on each other's shoulders wearing an oversized trench
coat sneaking into an r-rated film but on top of this body is a baseball sized lizard head do we
want to talk at all about the fact that there's a porn theater in the background of this shot
showing a movie called i was a teenage mammal triple x oh i saw i was a teenage mammal but i
didn't catch the triple x part yeah this is a porn movie again super mario brothers the movie
from 1993 potentially aimed at children filled with big horniness on louie g's part some kink
for mario yeah and a straight up porn theater in the background of one of the shots all right
one time when i was in high school i guess we were in high school i went and pulled up some
microfiche you know back in the olden days and i was looking through our hometown newspaper and
scrolling through on my birthday to see what happened on the day i was born and i found the
movie listings of what movies were showing and down at the roxy theater in our hometown it was all
porno really yeah huh that's an interesting thing i was like they don't show porno down there now
oh they now they just got accused petafiles allegedly it's not accused kupa we cut to for the first time
we saw him briefly at the beginning of the movie but this is the first real scene where he's like
i gotta get rid of all this fungus man i'm sick and tired of it and he gives his villain speech
here where he's like i'm sick and tired of living in this dinosaur world man we're gonna merge with
the mammal world it's gonna blow your mind once we get back and we get the girl then we'll be able
to do something with the dimensions or something and i didn't scuba i'm gonna rule the universe man
and iggy and spike show up and they're like oh you're gonna be so happy we found daisy and he's like
that's great man daddy wants his rock and they're like oh we didn't actually get the rock part of it
you didn't what the what there are a couple of moments it's sort of like if
walkin had played this part where you get a couple of really great dennis hopper deliveries
the problem is that dennis hopper is absolutely capable of playing a villain yes but the villain
that he plays needs to be a truly insane hardcore maniac like someone that's truly capable of doing
horrible shit and in this movie he's a cartoon care he's not gonna smash someone's head in with a
hammer but that's what dennis hopper would do absolutely yeah yeah yeah we've all seen blue velvet i do
like however him saying all right man issue a plumber alert as if that is the thing and i thought
that was an actual good joke in this movie yeah and so we see down below this old woman come up
tomorrow in louisci and ask them like oh my poor little dears you look so lost you don't have any
weapons do you and they're like no man we sure don't and she's like good and then pulls out a gun of
her own to mug them yeah only to be manhandled by a younger bigger lady that we will learn later
is big birtha she's a large black woman and she just throws this old woman off of a ledge y'all
presumably to her death yeah i don't think presumably i think that's pretty clear she lands in that
convertible and she kind of bounces up and causes a multi-car crash she is dancing around with mario
she grabs the rock from louisci i think is who has it and then just uses these jump boots that will
come into play later just uses those to get away and so all of a sudden mario and louisci are lost
in this new world and don't even have the rock anymore it has been stolen by big birtha who just
disappears from the movie for the next 30-40 minutes yeah so Chad yes enter one of the great figures of
our child mojo nixon with this weird spiral haircut and sort of pompadour flip at the top of his head
singing a song about fascism we got to talk about mojo nixon please how do you describe mojo nixon
i like the description that his agent had of a two-bit tom weight i like that he refers to the
holy trinity as being elvis prezley foghorn leghorn and otis the drunk from the indy griffer show and
i think that he's some combination of those three yeah but yeah he has a two-bit tom weight who sings
rockabilly music it's like rockabilly and punk rock it is kind of tough to describe which is what makes
him kind of wonderful and unique he's profane and is and all of his songs were inherently novel these
songs because his big hit at the time was elvis's everywhere and then he sang a song called debbie
gibson is pregnant with a two-headed love child and he had another song called stuff in martha's
muffin which is about him fucking mtv vj martha quinn you and i both love berry drinking uh-huh
jim guzzlin frenzy just look at his catalog it's insanity were you with me when he performed with
the dead milkman yeah yeah he came on stage and his eyes were the color of red that is normally reserved
for a character in film when they're possessed by the devil like you know it wasn't like bloodshot
it was like i think something is burst in both of his eyes and it was just whiskey fueled insanity
yeah everyone was in danger except for mojo nixon he is a tamer less poofilled gg allen i highly
recommend if you don't know mojo nixon and you want to just make your life oh so much better
then just go to spotify dip into the mojo nixon catalog there's gonna be two or three songs that
you're really gonna like they're very silly if you like this podcast you'll like mojo nixon absolutely
there's no doubt the dead milkman kind of did the tip of that had to mojo nixon right back in punk
rock girl which was probably their biggest hit yep with the line we asked if they had mojo nixon and
and he said no he don't work here and we said if you're sorry don't have mojo nixon then your
story could use some fixin uh-huh and i firmly agree that if your story does not have mojo nixon
your story could use some fixin he proactively put an explicit lyrics warning label on one of his
albums it wasn't vodacious it's the one that's like a purple and gray cover but it's him looking
like a homeless motherfucker which he always looks homeless yeah but even more so and he's just
holding up a sign that would normally be reserved for begging for money in his album cover it says
i says dirty words on my album he is like if george thorough good possessed irony yes and then somehow
was birthed out of the tasmanian devil yes but mojo nixon is wonderful there are glimpses of how
fun mojo nixon really is in this movie but he's really just doing a bit part here and it is too
quickly replaced by a puppet head but yeah so a cop shows up to arrest mojo nixon and then marion
louisci are taken in because there's a plumber bulletin out there an all plumber bulletin and
a p b and then meanwhile dazy is also taken to this holding cell where a bunch of women including
mario's busty girlfriend danielle are being out there these are all the women who had been
abducted from brooklyn that were casually mentioned in the first part of our movie none of this really
matters at all because a little later they are just politely escorted out of the film i did like
that one of the women is perpetually holding a cigarette in her fingers like she's on her way
to breakfast at tiffany's does she have a pack and that's how she's getting with cigarette after
cigarette because you don't see anybody in the dinosaur world ever smoking nah she probably had
him tucked into her bra she's walking around looking for a light no thing she can get her those guns
that blast out those giant orbs hey any port in a storm man sure it's here that danielle says oh
my god they're looking for this princess they say in his princess daisy and they're like wait daisy's
a princess since when now yep this is the first moment that they even interject this royal lineage
the pale for it is not great either we come back to the car and mario and louis G they're riding
with mojo nixon in the back of this patrol car and they take him for intake at the police station
and the officer asked for their names and mario says that his name is mario mario which is a little
bit silly i kind of expected to be like you're my last name fuck you that's my name that would have
been even better but this movie is pg but when he says his name's mario mario i was like that's kind
of silly but then there was dougie dug he had the same first name in last name and for that matter
chris christy is pretty close and chris christofferson honey boo boo bam bam bigalo joey joe joe shabadoo
the list goes on an oboe this is one the one and only thing that i think that's made its way into
the video game canon from this movie because never before had a last name been mentioned
it was mentioned in this movie and then moving forward that has been true in the video game
doesn't cramer on sinefeld isn't his last name cramer isn't he cramer cramer that's his last
name his first name is cosmo we'll strike that i'm clearly i've been paying attention
sinefeld is not a show that holds up for me i've tried to go back and rewatch it i'm like this is
intolerable i have not gone back to watch it because i was afraid of that very thing and just
wanted to live better in my memory and so lately i've just watched the good place again wise choice
yeah terrific show by the way and if you really do like that show you should read the book how to
be perfect by michael sure i think i'm getting the audiobook of that you will not be disappointed
it is fantastic what we're talking about this episode's been full of all kinds of surprises
the least of which or anything related to this one let's just talk about jeremy barry for a minute
and how how funny that is mario and louis g and mojo nixon are taken before a cop who's getting
this weird like face foot job from some woman uh-huh in the general weird kinky hoardingess of this
movie and like you said this is where we get the mario mario and louis g mario and then they just
get cattle prodded into some they go to like this delousing chamber it's an antifungal
it's like what andy do frane went through before he headed into shawl shake except the
gee clothes on and nobody's you know taking bets on who's gonna start crying first or get raped
first mario mario went through one mile of antifungal for one smell of freedom how about you fresh fish
who says he's talking about siz marios who's the fish can i ride a fish i'll feed it something marios
he's talking about us he's saying that one of us is probably gonna get raped i know which one i
hope it isn't that's you you know look i do kind of like the rough stuff i got to be honest maybe
uh it's called consensual non-consensual
with a mario brothers i'm looking for the mario sisters over there i drop my soap again and mario
was so into it that the sisters never bothered him again it was the thrill of the hunt that turned
them on him serving himself up as a buffet somehow made it less enjoyable two things never happened
after that night one the sisters never bothered mario mario again also mario never got sexually
satisfied again upon his release mario crawled through a mile of shit to get back into prison not
that he wanted to be back in prison he just wanted to crawl through a mile of shit
i want to watch that movie so much more than i want to watch this so when they get thrown back
into this cell and they're just these cages stacked on top of each other and mojo nixon is above
themy and he says listen man i gotta tell you that focus is so good this city and then they just get
chained against a wall with red dots appearing on them and like they're being shot by snipers
and it turns out they're just taking pictures and then mojo nixon kind of sings the story of them
traveling into another dimension because he apparently has talked to them enough in the police
car that he knows the tale of the marios now and he also says i think this fungus here it's a role
king man de-evolved and reconvenience on the city huh yeah right this city used to have a king
but now they have democratic elections according to all the signage so dennis koopa did he have a
coup yeah it was a military queue where you use the de-evolver which we will get to here in just a
minute maybe the king was a figurehead like in the uk just it was more ceremonial that actually
integrated into the governing of the people clearly this koopa led city is very colonial
well people don't care for it there's fungus everywhere man places gone hell just pick up the
trash make the trains run on time come on football on sundays leave enough drugs on the street so
that people can get a little bit high not too high but enough to where they show up to work on monday
come on man i think what you're talking about is just being a warlord so the mario brothers are
taken to meet their lawyer who it turns out is dennis koopa pretending to be a lawyer why would he do
this i have no idea they clearly saw his face everywhere in the city before they were arrested
he's not fooling anybody just rule the city with an iron fist beat the shit out of these two to get
the information you need then murder them both and leave them in the desert to be eaten by worms or
birds or whatever the hell else evolution and it has created to deal with the carcasses of dead
creatures he's asking about where this rock is and they're like look we just need to talk to this
koopa weirdo i'll tell you where it's not it's not in my pants i don't care how long you look you
could look and look and look and keep looking what you probably want to do just to make sure you
probably want to pick up a mallet just bang my crotch a little bit make sure that you don't feel
a rock or nothing under my underwear is dennis koopa is like just tell me where the rock is man
louis g says we don't know what you're talking about with all this rocks is and stuff he tries
to puncture louis g's eyes into louis g skull yeah just go with his thumb cable at him
see that was dennis hopper improvising that was not in the script that was no he just jumped over and
grab leg was almost head and was trying to blind him with his thumbs and they were like oh cut cut cut
dennis you can't kill him what oh shit sorry just give me my ether man and so dennis koopa then
orders them taken to the devo chamber uh-huh and there we see mojo nixon strapped into this chair
shouting meanwhile everybody loves the king man the king's coming back and the as soon as he says
the word king elvis is everywhere just starts playing in my head yeah but he is pushed into this
d-evolver machine which basically the chair moves up and your head goes into this giant
hairdryer and then he's d evolved into a goomba which as you pointed out earlier is just like a
softball sized lizard head and his body again looks like the animatiax are trying to sneak into the
studio in a trench coat sometime here in the next few moments of the film he gets a harmonica holder
placed around his neck so that you recognize mojo goomba whenever he shows up because they're
all pretty indistinguishable from one another it's like levern and surely putting the elle on her
blouse so you know who's who right because all the ladies look alike did you know that that's why
she wore the elle because audiences couldn't remember who was who and so penny marshal was like just
put a big elle on all of my clothes so that they know i'm levern uh that's both smart and kind of
sad i know but hey penny marshal that's why she played the director and get shorty
so dennis koopa and explain that they get all healthy d evolved back into like primordial goo
which comes to play at the end of the movie and then i didn't even catch that but okay mario and
louisie shove koopa into the d-vo chair which he gets zapped a little bit but nothing really comes
of that until way later and then mario and louisie run the fungus drops a bobam this tiny little
bomb with legs like a little wind up bomb in front of them and they just ignore like hey
look at this weird fungus i won't do if i can rub it on my crotch i wonder what it would do
louisie grab that i need to hide it right up oh yeah oh but don't go off slippery just like vassaline
remember vassaline makes things gooey buy it at your local store use promo code ass
chan and mario and louisie swing temple of doom style toward the exit while a bunch of goomba
shoot at him it's like they're on a zip line and all of this feels very geared towards a very
young audience it's all very silly and the music is like bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam
there's no peril at all it's just wacky p.g rated high adventure no one's gonna get hit by a fireball
and see their arm ripped off but also moments before we saw this woman pushing her high heel into the
face of a cop during the intake and that's where you're like who is this movie for again do you think
this movie would have been better if they had cast children in the roles of mario louisie and
daisy but they kept everything else the same yeah as adults and it was cut from the same cloth as
home alone or all of those john hues shit movies he made late in his career like dennis the menace
or baby's day out where it's basically young kids sticking it to adults
if everything else remained the same then no because you still have lines like you know what
they say no girl ever forgets the first time she's kissed by a lizard well you would clearly have to
edit around some of these things you can't have dennis hopper putting his gene simmons
forked lizard tongue into a child's mouth not in my movie i'm picturing this is more of a
buxie melodia fair where you change nothing but the actors you remake this movie everyone's a muppet
but dennis hopper and all the muppets are nude yeah and graphically said and anatomically correct
exaggerated evil like overtly sexualized that's horrifying yeah i mean i guess that's kind of
meet the feebles and you see the trailer for this tv show called the mayhem oh the muppet mayhem
no no no yeah it looks terrible you know why they shouldn't make anything to do with the muppets
anymore because jim hinton's dead yeah and frankoz isn't around and the people who figured out the
magic of the muppets aren't here that's what made them up it's great yeah i agree just leave it alone
no pushback for me so what is oh yes they steal a cop car
louisci finds something to make it go because he plays video games he says speaking of the muppets
they crash into another car and using physics that i haven't seen since the original muppet
movie their car ends up on top of another car right harry's chasing after what you guys
that's where i think in this movie that if you had had children as mario and louisci it makes
this kind of stupid shit a little more plausible like kids driving cars and doing adult things
the movie's terrible i'm trying to find some way to make it better yeah how do we make this
movie less worse and it's really like well how about a just a consistent script and a point this
movie feels like a day at work where you are incredibly busy doing stuff but at the end of the
day when you look back on it you didn't get anything done like it's full of activity but
nothing happens it has the depth of plot you find in most comic books not excuse me coloring books
where it's like here's some characters they've done some things we're done so this car chase ends
with them heading down a tunnel because louisci says marios we should get up on the parkways
and then go find the daisies and then louisci's like that there's this creepy tunnel over here
this is probably where all the prostitutes you know and all the the freaks and tranks and lobos
you know the people that really do weird shit for not a lot of money let's go to end this tunnel
so that's where they hit and they end up driving through the back of this tunnel wall their car
runs out of power and they drive off a cliff yeah and they scream as the car is plummeting towards
the ground they've got to be thinking these are the moments before i die but fortunately the fungus
catches them yeah at that point they're they're kind of saved and louisci is once again like marios
the fungus is trying to save us all the time can we just go ahead and talk about the fungus i'm sure
the fungus is the king of kupo burger wherever the hell we are yeah and he was deevolved into this
fungus so the fungus is alive and is trying to help them on their journey to who cares is aware
somehow that even though it's been devolved into a fungus the king still is aware enough that it's
actively trying to help mario and louisci beat dennis kupa it doesn't make any sense but that's
what's going on so they hop out of their car then we go back to dennis kupa who was taking a mud bath
with fiona shaw i mean not bad work if he can get it you know what i'm saying she's lena in our
movie uh-huh and she is his number two and she's kind of holding a tiny snake in the mud things are
getting weird yeah but mario wishes he was here kupa shows no signs of being deevolved from his
earlier heads up that's right none of that's really mentioned ever again spike and icky show up and
they wait into the mud because there are a couple of morons and dennis kupa learns that mario and
louisci have escaped to the desert and this is kind of a nod to the game as well that the desert was a
location for one of the game level so i was like i guess i'll give you that and then dennis kupa says
to spike and icky what are you two idiots doing here wait outside and so they leave and dennis kupa
says lena you know what i love about mud it's clean and it's dirty at the same time
get me the princess somewhere mario was like hey louisci i sense a great disturbance in the
horniness somebody's into some weird shit like me lena goes to get daisy from this room of brookalyn
ladies and this all leads to them going to the devo chamber where spike and icky are strapped
into the chair one by one and instead of devolve they're evolved into smarter versions of themselves
in a scene that is not funny or interesting and i hate these characters after they are evolved they
reminded me of those two gophers from the warner brothers' cartoons because all their dialogue
it's not intelligent it's just slightly more sophisticated where they're just like where's our
boss? Indubitably that sounds like a splendid idea oh we have been transformed even to transmogrified
we've gone through a metamorphosis of sorts yeah oh very delightful would you give some rudebega
i believe that i would how about some indive of course thank you no thank you no thank you no thank
you we last saw fiona chara speaking of lena in the movie the avengers no not the marvel one
the other one where she played father yeah the mother father yeah weirdo stuff she was in those
harry potter movies i think everybody was in those i think you and i were in those harry potter movies
yeah i was in prison or vazkaban she's related to the wheezeleys because she has red hair and she's
british and those movies great actress really slummined here obviously and as is everybody right and so
denis cupa sends iggy and spike to the desert to go get the plumbers and more specifically get the
meteorite yes and so meanwhile daisy gets all tarted up to meet denis cupa he's thrown some clothes by
lena and lena is like you know i knew your mother you have her eyes also denis cupa believes that only
you can mote the dimensions i disagree there's a quick cutaway to mario and louis g
trekking through the desert just to remind you like oh right this is a super mario brothers movie
but louis gee has his shirt off mario's like louis gee take his shirt off all right a little
sum for the ladies a little sum for the mario's then we come back to denis cupa who calls the cop who
was the intake cop for mario and like he shows up a bunch in this movie and he says hey man did you
get those devo guns for the goombas that i asked for and he's like uh yeah we got those denis cupa
great great also remind me again what did these plumbers come from what are their ancient ancestors
man and he's like uh apes are all right monkeys good good and then lena shows up with daisy and daisy
is put in a room with this little dinosaur that is supposed to be yoshi a and i use quotes again
cute dinosaur that just looks like one of them little Jurassic park dinosaurs that's gonna eat you
alive it looks like an oversized copy it looks nothing like yoshi from the video game but i gotta
say man this walkin dinosaur puppet looks amazing i felt like it was cgi it's like a full functioning
dinosaur puppet the cgi's real bad but there are some really good puppet and latex effects in this
i do like that they kind of wedge yoshi in whenever they can because you know they've
been a fortune on this right dinosaur puppet there's a scene where yoshi should be dead but they're
like bull shit not from the price that we paid for this thing absolutely not so denis cupa plays
host to daisy and he spends a globe and he kind of lets it drop that like cupa city is all there is
man the rest of the planet's a desert and she says so where is my father again he's like yeah yeah
he's a round man don't even worry about it look look and then this is the scene where he gets real
closer he's like i just want to ask you do you know the saying about little girls never forgetting
the first time they're kissed by a lizard and then this crazy tongue comes out and she's like me
and eyes of you and i'm like eeee and she's clearly not into it so he's like man bring me that plumber
i bet he's into some freaky shit man i could lick his balls and tickle his asshole at the same time
with both my hands in the air there's another saying you never forget your first time licking
a plumber man so mojo gooba is brought in to take her away and as she's leaving denis cupa says
in another creepy moment says all right put her somewhere where i can get her because i'm gonna
have to use her later man you're like oh the way that you said use her does not sound like you mean
just putting the rock in the thing and just to make sure that we know he's our bad guy after
mojo goomba takes away daisy denis cupa just kicks Yoshi the dinosaur yeah i'm a boy with that
that that's that's a that's a moment in this movie that i support just kick the fucking thing
so we cut to the desert where iggy and spy see the mario brothers just kind of wandering
through the desert and they're driving this death race 2000 go-kart do buggy yeah and they just end
up crash into a mud pit mario and louisie see this go down and they take him hostage and they demand
like hey tell us what daisy is well we desire that you give us the location of the magical rock
yes indeed what a bright idea hmm wonderful they strike a deal where mario and louisie say
we'll give you the rock but you have to take us to daisy they're like well that sounds like a
perfectly crumbulent idea we can agree to that where is the rock and they say well actually
we don't have the rock right now there was this woman in a red get-up and she took the rock they're
like was she a copulent woman and then all i can think of is was she a great big fat person and
then they realized that they were talking about big birtha who is the owner of this bar
which is going to lead us to the weirdest scene of the movie which is really saying something
is it the weirdest scene we'll get to it but yes for me there were two scenes in this movie
that were the most off-putting but yeah it might be the weirdest scene but not the most unsettling
we cut up to the penthouse where yoshi is trying to chew through his chain so he doesn't get kicked
but dead in scuba again and daisy is kind of soothing him and then we see that the iggy and
spike and the mario brothers are kind of peeking over this hill to see a bunch of dudes and gas masks
maybe goombas i was never clear on that who are driving this trash truck back into the city and
so they just go down there and knock them out and steal this truck and that's how they get back
into the city from the desert and then we go to this bar which i think is called the boom boom bar
when i was a kid there was a mom in my neighborhood and when one of her youngest kids a son or a
daughter whenever she thought one of them had to take a shit she would say do you need to go make a
boom boom which is what i thought of when i heard about the boom boom bar that is a detail
kid's mom calling it making a boom boom is a detail that would be in any steven king novel
that sounds about right but i will say in the real world as i became an adult and i thought about
her calling it a boom boom i thought maybe she just has like explosive shits i mean like the kind of
thing like every time she shits it involves bleach and a toilet brush and like sweat now just for
ass just getting the place in shape that someone else could come in and not throw up oh so so we go
to the bar chat the boom boom bar the first thing they do is mario has to hand over his belt of tools
like it is a guest or an old west saloon or something and like sam ailey it's out front like no one's
saying you can't have your tools no one says you can't carry your tools we just say you can't carry
your tools in town like buster scrubs i must say i feel a little bit nude coming in here without
a weapon they're also in these red and yellow zoot suits they look like loyd and harry when they
showed up wearing those like purple and orange tuxedos it's really out of place what they're wearing
and it's totally unexplained like there's some line somewhere about like we have to get you these
suits to get in the club or something spike and iggy say that they belong to their wives or their
girlfriends or something and how they're kind of feminine but they're not it's strange costuming
in our direction all coming together just to make your eyes go cross the co-check girl or the
tool check girl calls the cops because there's also a big wanted poster of these plumbers on the
wall. It's two plumbers is here come get them i want my koopa coins which by the way you get
two thousand koopa coins if you turn in the plumbers is that a lot two thousand bot over in
tai land is like 50 bucks here really you're gonna turn somebody in for that what's the usd
to koopa coin exchange rate right is it pound sterling or is it lira also chad there is a
tremendous amount of tna in this scene almost everyone is wearing fishnet or mesh or rubber or
something unusual that's what the kids like there's dance music playing there is a weird
thriller style dance happening on the floor that at present does not include mario and luigi it's
just happening also the song that's being played is sung by christie amplet the front
woman for the divinals and the song she's singing is a love is the drug and she has a voice that is
clearly synonymous with the song i touch myself one of the best if not the best pop songs about
female masturbation i've ever heard it's up there that or weighing dang sweet pune tank i'm sure that
l7 probably has a song about that volcano girls is probably up there mojo nixon had time i
peck it to my leg it's a different genre but what is the the song he had about dildo so what was that
going on it culminates in the him saying vibrator zill it it be she's vibrator dependent
vibrator dependent that's what it was put 220 on the money honey he's vibrator dependent
she don't want me in it she just wants to play with her toys oh my god mojo nixon god bless you
she pulled it out vibrator zillers what she called it vibrator zilla it'd be
is how you put that give me something big and ugly vibrator zilla it'd be oh shit
if listers take nothing else away from this it's a celebration of mojo nixon you say the bar is
close son all hell just give me a beer
come on in boys where's the jin he had a song called jenn guzzlin frenzy jenn guzzlin frenzy
that i mean that's really the great mojo nixon one two punch of beer ain't drinking and jenn guzzlin
frenzy it's really all you need to know about drinking he had take me to your leader the whole
song about aliens invading and then when they asked mojo to take him to the leader of planet
earth he took him to mayberry north carolina and introduce him to odes the drug in the jail
i mean let's not forget that his big head elvis is everywhere had that moment of uncalled for
throne shade of there is one person out there that's got no will this in them at all the the anti-elvis
michael jfox says no will listen just going after michael jfox for no good reason oh my god he was
not in this movie now he wasn't in too many movies and you know it's crazy when i think about him
being in new james i get him confused with tom way it's well of course like which one was in
fissure king was at mojo nixon or tom ways who was in down by law the jim jarmish film is that mojo
nixon or tom ways who was who played rinfield in copelish drackett there's part of his like was he
in mystery men how good would he have been as rancid master master
whoa come on give me a spotter let me eat it so what if i give you a cat okay be great
they all the blood in that thing man look at this dude crawling up the wall that's a
drackler i gotta tell you dr this sound is full of dracklers he is something else all right we got uh
all right so getting back to the weirdest scene of the movie mario then decides listen luigi you
wait here i'm irresistible to women like this who wear spikes and probably like to step on balls
so he goes to big birtha who is wearing her trademark red leather silver studded jacket and and
pants and is wearing the bit of meteor right around her neck that she's a large woman it would take
two bob hoskins to barely enjoy a sea salt ride with this lady if goombas are three kids trying
to sneak into the movies big birthday is a solid two children she's a big one and so mario walks
over to her and he goes hey i'm mario i'm your main man and she just rares back and punches him
straight up in the face and then wanders away and then mario gets up with what i'm assuming is oh yeah
like a steel erection whoa he look i get off on women beating me i want you to hit me again
right in the face as hard as you can and do me a favor punch me in the balls a couple of times
and then big birtha is just like this is the sub i've been dreaming of this is the lid for my pot
yes how do they not end up together it's a shame that they don't they dance and the whole time he is
trying to get this rock off of her neck one way or the other he's trying to pull it off her tits
with his teeth and at one point just trying to untie the thing and he finally gets it off and then
just scammers away she looks kind of sad at first but then she understands like we were going off
the deep end there and he's a little scared but he'll come back and then the music changes and we
hear a cover of walk the dinosaur by george clinton sands the parlament funkadallic collective this was
a song that debuted in the flintstones movie with john goodman that was a pretty good adaptation of
an iconically shitty cartoon it's not something that people should go out on the right away to
watch it's no excuse i want to clarify it is not a good movie it is a good adaptation of a shitty
cartoon that is somehow iconic how are they still making fucking flintstone vitamins and fruity
pebbles and cocoa pebbles those characters aren't even a thing anymore are they let me just say this
shut your mouth i know cocoa pebbles cocoa pebbles are fantastic cereal i knew i was walking into
that i i you know look i don't care one shit about the flintstones but you come from my cocoa
pebbles and we got problems you like both the pebbles you like cocoa and fruity i prefer the
cocoa pebbles to the fruity pebbles but the fruity it's just his favorite like if you say hey do you
have cocoa pebbles or fruity pebbles and you say oh we don't have cocoa pebbles i'm like that's okay
it's just his favorite it's just not as much favorite snow cones but i like i like to play
i like to play half game because i still get full bowl of cocoa pebbles but you get it full
bowl of cocoa pebbles you play half game or full game so i'll play half game just play half game
this podcast is for two people and it's the two people making it
so anyway yeah walk the dinosaur is played and then link in uh the red headed number two to
dennis koopa she shows up right and she's in bond yeah that's the boom boom bar it's what you
wear man this movie is so inexplicably horny glory holes in the bag and rooms downstairs where
there's no lights there's just somebody with more of that fungus stuff being poured on them in like
a foam booth there's a scramble as mario and louisie are trying to get away and much like the beginning
of temple of doom the second reference of that movie this episode the rock gets away and is
gonna fall through this grate but fiona shaw uses her i assume eight inch alito heels to step on this
thing like it's mario's balls to keep it from all in three the great louisie you go on without me i
gotta date with them stilettas so i got a recipe for shishka balls she is going to pound my balls
like veal cutlets then birthe shows up to save them is like hey i got these jump boots that are
kind of like the video game sort of that make you jump really high but anyway you can use these
to escape she refers to mario as pudgy buns right here so there's a barrier chase scene and they
end up just jumping in the back of this trash truck while one of the goombas says well ain't that a
damn shame so i'm gonna throw it away to perfectly good white plumbers like that i'm trying to narrow
the references down to just me and just a show made for me these are the jokes folks anything
anything from this shelf and above anything from the chicklets over and the jokes basically
any joke within this this two-foot area and that's what you can win here folks this is the new coupon
a cop the old coupon account got out of business this coupon's got a tattoo right here it says
slippery wood what oh let me see that this coupe goes into this throne room where he's just kind
of monologuing with this oozing fungus it looks like a big anus of an alien like where a shit
comes out of it i thought it was either a shit or a testicle it looks like a hemorrhoid is a Cindy
from an anus yes yes so that's happening it's just a whole lot of look at what you've turned into
man don't you feel disgusted by yourself yeah you let yourself go and so we see that the super mario
brothers get dumped in front of koopa tower which is convenient and then there's a scene that is
played for laughs here and it's called back later where it's just Dennis koopa on this video phone
ordering a pizza and the guy's like oh you're the usual with the tereducto tail he's like yeah man
no mammals or worms and make it spicy and this is the point literally in my notes what are we even
doing what is the point of any of this dude i'm telling you it's a day at work full of sound and
fury signifying nothing at the end of this when it just stops you're like all right well that's over
nothing happens it's shocking so the mario brothers get inside and once again are opening or closing
the thing bells mario says like we gotta freeze them out you gotta make it really really cold that
makes it hard to get an erection you got to work for it Luigi yeah your pp gets tiny but your nipples
get hard geez i don't know you keep saying stuff like that marios but i just don't get off on that
kind of stuff you know i just think about being with a girl and the two of us in the backs of a car
you gotta open up your mind here put this under your tongue it'll all make sense in about eight
minutes all right oh this tastes kind of coppery marios yeah pretty soon you're gonna want to run
a hose from the back of that car right into the back seat and when you get the wooziest that's
when you fuck that's dangerous mario yeah yeah it's dangerous all right but when you've been around
as long as i have when you see what i see in them tunnels it takes a special kind of lady and a
special kind of danger to get you off anyway so they find some jumpsuits Chad that are reminiscent
of the children's video game game game game game game game game game game game game game game game
for the first time we're almost at the end of this movie but they're kind of like hip-hop version
kid and play or crisscross they're a little too baggy like they're suitable for pop lockin or
break dancing or whatever the hell else i would be doing and they get in an elevator and there's
this whole bit that's almost marx brothers esque where goombas get in the elevator and they just
kind of follow their backs as the goombas turn around so that they can't be seen and there's a quick
cutaway as we see lina being kind of fed up with dennis koopa and his obsession with daisy and so
she gets in her head that she's just gonna put this rock in the meteor herself and open up
the door to merge the two worlds together and so then we go from that back to the elevator where
some more goombas have gotten on and luigi gets the bright idea because there's elevator music going
he just starts rocking one of the goombas back and forth and then they all start doing that and
kind of dancing together it's franky yankovic no relation to weird out and it's his song somewhere
my love that's playing we get a cutaway where mojo goomba is bringing daisy some meat and she's
like oh i'm a vegetarian can you bring me something like a steam vegetable tray and then lina shows up
and tries to kill daisy yes she just pulls a knife on her to kill her and you're like why are you
killing daisy but yoshi just whips his tongue out which is probably doing something for somebody
this weird movie did you think he was gonna eat her whole body like yoshi does in the game
i hope so that's what i thought would happen that he would just like glurb her in and then spit
out an egg but that's not what happens because lina takes that knife that she was gonna use to
kill daisy and bo she fucking stabs yoshi in the neck it's the one thing i will say about this
movie it doesn't know what it's doing ever it doesn't know what it's doing but also because of that
all bets are off anything could happen she stabs yoshi bo and leaves the knife in his neck if she
had just carved down yoshi's belly and intros had spilled out it would not have been any more
less shocking than anything else in this movie the level of unexpected activity that occurs
it's up there with like full metal jacket where you're just like what is happening in this movie
because they don't know what they're doing mario just sitting on a toilet louis g i am in a world of
shit the goombas are all dancing in the elevator while mario and louis g escape through the roof
and can you even do that is that a real thing or is that a movie thing i've never tried can you do
that can you just climb out of a little hatch in the top of the elevator i feel like the answer is no
not only have i not tried even if i could get the hatch open i mean capable of lifting myself
by my arms alone out of an elevator so why even try like what do i want to embarrass myself like
that i would rather them show up and see like puddles of piss in the corner of the elevator
then then them to see like that i somehow popped open the hatch like so you can pull yourself up
uh no like as opposed to you piss in the corner yeah that's okay buddy thanks it's all the time i
would need like one of those three step step ladders so i could just at least get my fat gut over the
top of it like oh well most of me is up here now so after all the dancing happens and they escape
mojo gooba he returns with a plate of vegetables for daisy but then two more goombas come around
the corner with spiking iggy on their way to execute these two per their boss's orders and then
one of the goombas was spiking iggy whips out a flame thrower and just sets mojo gooba on fire
bow fortunately daisy is johnny on the spot with a fire extinguisher to put mojo he's already got
second and third degree burns he'll never be the same and then iggy and spike have made a real
turn because remember we didn't really see much of them at the club and if you heard the intro that's
because they did a little wrap where they discovered that they were sort of anti-fash as well as
sudden iggy and spike help daisy and they take her to the throne room so she can meet her fungus
hooray father then we cut back to louis jay mario who have made it into this elevator shaft and
louis jay does the most fucked up thing in this movie where he's like hey i got an idea marios
just wait and watch and so it looks like he jumps off the edge of the shaft into this open space
but he's really kind of hooked his belt on this hook that's staying like from above and he's like
looks mario i'm flying so over here and mario's like well i guess this is how it goes and so mario
just jumps and louis jay's like no no i had a hook on my back i was just fun in tia and mario is
hurtling to his death but fortunately the fungus catches him and kind of bounces him back up
meanwhile yoshi has snuck into the throne room where daisy is talking to her hemorrhoid fungus
father she frees yoshi from this collar yoshi comes in bow with that knife still stuck in his neck
well i think that's what she uses to jimmy the lock on his collar to speak it up
this is handy and she uses some weird gun thing to use a menu to talk to the mario brothers who
were hanging around in the shaft still louis jay's like daisy's we can hear you's down here in the
tunnels where should we go to find jes she's like i'm up in sector 7g okay he's we's on our ways
is oh the jerks in sector 7g louis jay meanwhile has another encounter with a mushroom that seems to
be trying to communicate with him or something the weirdness in this movie is maybe in some ways
more but in some ways less weird than the avengers movie that we did again not the superhero one the
the one based on the tv show i would say this is 30 percent weirder than that but i think that
weirdness is compounded by its lack of focus the weirdness in the avengers was stylistically weird
this is just lazily weird or just such a weird mishmash of ideas that the one thing you can say
about is it's entirely unpredictable but that doesn't mean it's intertinct so this cop that
we've seen from a bunch of other scenes in the movie tells dennis koopa that lina is on the move
and seems to have the rock dennis koopa puts together well if she's going to the tunnels she's
probably got the rock man you make sure that you arrest her while that's going down daisy and mario
and louisci finally meet up in this throne room and she introduces the fungal hemorrhoid to mario and
louisci as her father and louisci is like boys i'm sure the happiest meet you sirs and then also
daisy let's it slip that daniela is there and mario's like oh i forgot about it i was supposed
to take it to resylmania wait you said she's here and so he runs off to rescue her and so while
he's going to do that daisy and louisci literally run into dennis koopa and some goombas and then he
just grabs him and is like all right you're coming with us now man and we're gonna merge worlds it's
gonna blow your mind mario makes his way into the holding room where daniela and all of the missing
brooklyn women are located and then one thing leads to another and mario just swings on a lamp
cable and knocks out the only goomba guard that's there and then mario and these five women they grab
this stained mattress and mario opens a ventilation shaft that's now frozen because they turned off
all the heat and mario and these five women just bob sled down this tube and then two other goombas
come in and they give chase on their own i guess stained mattress this scene is geared for kids it's
like it's meant to be fun and it all kind of ends with mario sticking a wrench in a hole in the tube
that they're going down which crashes and and all but kills the two goombas following them and at the
very end of this unnecessary scene mario and these women crash through the end of this tube that's
caked up with icicles and they just glide through the air like they're on a flying carpet into
the set of the main city from the start of the film it's nuts man this movie is just fucking crazy
it's bizarre they land on dennis koopas goombas as the you know once they shoot out of this tunnel
now it's like this showdown between mario and dennis koopa and mario is pretending to have the
rod they have a struggle and mario drops the crystal and when he drops it lina is there she
leaps off to grab it and tumbles down onto this metal grate that electrocutes her not so much as
she's dead but to where she looks like the bride of frankenstein with the big white streak in her
hair that's now all poofed up but lina has the crystal and she runs off louis g and daisy give
chase why who knows don't worry about it but then louis g he goes in and tells the missing brooklyn
women he's like hey you guys guys got to come with us we got to go stop this woman and then the
missing brooklyn women they're like who are you and louis g gets a little mouth and he's like
i'm louis g mario you got a fucking problem with that and they're just like no no no don't
don't hit us he puts them in their place real quick and then lina has the missing meteorite rock
but back on the city streets mario and dennis koopa they're kind of having it out and mario
realizes hey i'll just pretend i got the crystal in my hand i'll trick this guy dennis koopa so
that's where we are right they're kind of chasing after each other dennis koopa and mario these two
men in their late 50s early 60s and by chase i mean jog after each other right maybe three
four steps at a time before they have to catch their breath somebody's just handy and gatorade
every three or four steps but daisy louis g and the other girls from brooklyn arrived to see lina
trying to put this rock fragment back in the meteor there's been a lot of business about like oh
daisy is the only person who can do that and lina is like ha ha daisy isn't the only person who can do
that she shoves it in and gets thrown back against a wall by this electricity that shocks her and
lights up her skeleton and she becomes like an instant fossil skeleton attached to this wall it's
like something from that movie annihilation i actually look like the corpse of large march
yeah a little bit because the jaw falls open a little bit of trivia i didn't put in the intro by
the way but is true because this film did north carolina and they didn't know what to do with that
prop that lina prop of the skeleton on the wall is hanging on the wall of a bar in wilmington
from ever wilmington i'm definitely going there i'm never going to or not
the five missing brooklyn women louis g and daisy realized the portal is open because they need to
escort them out of the movie so they just hop into this mystery hole and they're gone for good we
never see them again they didn't need to be in this movie dandy yellow didn't need to be in this
movie mario should have been single and he should have hooked up with big birtha and they should have
spent their lives together with her just like whipping his nuts and torturing him forever and
being happy as a couple of weirdos back in the city square dennis koopa he approaches mario
to get the crystal piece from him and then mario he still got his hand clothes then apparently
there was like a thano snap because everything starts turning into pixelated sand dyes and dennis
koopa says oh man it's happening we're merging you don't have the rock maniacal laugh maniacal
laugh that's from the muppet movie and then uh they disappear and then in the most uncomfortable
scene in this entire film we cut to present day new york city where the twin towers circa 1993
or whenever this came out they are replaced with what are the twin towers in this alternate dimension
where one of them is like crumbling from the top and missing like the top third it's awkward
it's strange to see that yes one quick note by the way before mario and dennis koopa
thano snapped into actual new york with the broken twin towers mario released a bob on oh yeah i
forgot about that sorry because that's a fuse that lights and then pays off kind of in a little
yeah because the hemorrhoid ooze goop fungus gives them the bob and he winds it up and it's like one
of those little toys that moves at like eight inches an hour like eh eh eh eh with its feet moving
but yeah you're right that's the thing that's going on and while they're back in new york this
is my favorite lime read of the movie but sarah where dennis koopa and mario realized like oh they're
in new york and dennis koopa uses this devolution gun on scapelli who happens to be there at the
dig site and he shrinks down into a chimpanzee yes at which point dennis koopa says huh monkey
the way he says monkey it's not quite surprise there's a little bit of delight but it's almost
like he's telling everyone what it is monkey when he de evolves scarpelli into a chimpanzee does that
monkey still own the company like when an old rich lady leaves her estate to a bunch of cats i
assume so we'reder than that Chad here's the question i post to you everyone sees this man get
struck by some kind of a gun and immediately become a chimpanzee and don't they all start laughing
yes the reaction isn't horror and fear it is just after they hear dennis koopa say monkey
everyone's just losing their shit laughing about this dennis koopa then takes his devo gun aims it at
mario and mario says remember what louigi said trust the fungus and don't put it up your butt
until you're dealing with it right and so dennis koopa fires the gun mario is holding the fungus
which grows and becomes a shield of sorts this movie's bonkers man and then louigi and dacey have
been working on at the meteor to kind of corkscrew out the piece of meteor that they shoved in and
so everybody just goes back to their court yes where mario and dennis koopa are suddenly back in
koopa land again and one presumes monkey scarpelli is just running free in this dig site i think
you're gonna say he's running the construction company now ikik ook ook i want to banana hello
my name is bingo and i think he probably ends up just hitching a ride with an 18-wheeler driver
where they can have some adventures across the country go when we get back to koopa land we see
that this bob-omb is just trucking along like a taxi driver sees is like oh my god a bob-omb and
there's a lot of buildup of like oh my god this thing when it goes off it's going to be a real
something spoilers it's not no it's treated like a nuclear weapon but it is not and then so mojo
goomba hands dacey and louigi a gun and then dennis koopa is shooting at louigi who has
guns in each hand you know like super mario brothers and it's just leaping through the air
with these jump boots on to make his way to mario so that he could give mario a gun and then they
can shoot these devo guns at dennis koopa has there ever been a gun in a super mario game yes they had
guns not in mario brothers or super mario brothers games but there was a crossover that they did
with the rabbits oh yeah all right all right all right all right all right all right all right all right
and he had a gun in that but yeah that's a spinoff game but no regular timeline not that i'm aware of
unless you count him chucking turtle shells that is not a good card there is art that is
nintendo certified of mario wielding a gun like it was a big deal yeah it seems counter to the
brand mario is probably his family friendly is anything out there yeah i mean he wantly murders
turtles and mushrooms and yeah but he's not shooting people or even the violence that's
and it is is incredibly tank a lot of people don't know this but in super mario three there's a hidden
level and when you first enter his nuts get squashed he says let's fucking do this and you're like
mmm that seems but it's a drink of base translation appearance and somebody just has a a long piece
of rope with a very taut heavy knot at the end of it and they just spin it around and bust him in
the balls and then what happened to that james bond movie where he's naked in that chair and they're
just clocking him in the nuts with a rope yeah i'm just enjoying the thought of mario getting hit
in the balls by this knotted rope and going whoa whoo whoo whoo that's more of a wario thing i think
mario in the games would never do that but wario oh are you kidding me mario was also a doctor
remember he's dr mario too so he probably just popped a couple of pills and he was fine that's a
self-imposed title that's ceremonial at best this guy could talk about irina son's man
also a referee that was probably something that got him off too where the stripes he's probably a
uniform guy so mario and louisci they both have devolved guns they shoot them at dennis koopa
and he turns into a tarantosaurus rex sort of and then they blast him again and he ends up turning
into the primordial ooze and splats on the ground and that's kind of how our movie ends with our
bad guy there's a moment where the bob bomb goes off to kind of after they hit him with the devo
gun the first time we're eating something that like hanging construction barrel or something yeah
but it doesn't matter because the bomb doesn't do anything it's shit i've made bigger bombs out
of a handful of m8s and back in the day you should see what i do with a little fertilizer way more
than any bamam you're gonna be swaffered lost in my brows out back doing it bam's of his own
bam swaffered bam movie and then the mario brothers just like mario climbs on to louisci's
shoes and they jump over this cheering crowd to get to daisy and then in a cutaway scene with
nobody else in the room lance henryksen bishop of terminator and alien fame does the like coughing
into the hand and letting a bunch of glitter go where he goes oh well love those plumbers
and that's it he's the king for what eight seconds in that and does not speak to another living
soul in this movie is not in frame with another living soul in this movie it's crazy one of those
things that happens where you're like is he is he not going to talk to anybody else no wasn't that
oh okay he's just out of the movie now what did they have to fly him there for that i don't know
this movie is bonkers man mario and louisci they find the portal back to new york and daisy's
with them but she refuses to go because this is her real home and louisci he says uh daisy's
i want to be with you like hey i want to be with chu's you know i'm talking about like with my
bp not in the mario way where it's only weird and we get hurt but like in a good way mario just jumps
in he's like hey look look she says she wants to stay here if you love her you don't understand
that you don't mean you gotta let us stay here and if she loves you she'll come back all right if not
i got a couple of numbers i can give you and so louisci and daisy they kissed because it would be
gross if she kissed mario because of the age difference and then yoshi shows up because that
puppet cost a ton of money and they're going to get as much screen time as possible and then mario
and louisci leap through the wall portal mojo goomba shows up again to wave goodbye and our movie cuts
to louisci lay down the couch watching that unsolved mysteries knock off in mario's apartment and he's
all sad because he wanted to try to put a baby in daisy and daniel is there she's cooking dinner
with mario and louisci says marios marios come here we're on the tv's and you hear the announcer say
these two plumbers did something in a dimension and save the world or something something something
i'd call them the super mario brothers and then bow there's a knock on the door it opens up in
daisy is standing there wearing this apocalyptic outfit she's got a gun in her hand and she goes
louisci mario i need your help and louisci says i don't believe it and mario says i do
it's big berg to with you she got those bike heels on let's go and so they grab their tool belt and
they head off into the sequel for this movie that luckily never happened the end there's also a
post-credits scene is there oh i didn't stick around for that what happened it's of course
iggy and spiced being interviewed and debating a video game that could be made based on their
adventures and they said yeah you could call it something like super koopa cousins and then that's
it and it's embarrassing for every i'm so glad i didn't see that i wish i hadn't i wish that was
not a thing that lived in my brain that's super mario brothers the 1993 version not the one that
made a billion dollars but the one that made 40 billion dollars and made everyone sad who was
involved with it and it's inexplicable it is one of those movies like i cannot possibly recommend
it to watch but also it's unlike anything i could have imagined from a movie called super
mario brothers i would agree with that it's nuts it's so horny why is this movie so horny i don't know
i don't know i know this is only the fourth movie of the season you know i wish i could say that episode
five has a chance of being marginally better but the fact that most of the movies we watch they're
they're shitty movies but but what if we were to review a movie that had a character that was
literally shit in it and i'm not talking about south park's iconic poo poo mr hanky i'm talking
about the shocking appearance of patrick steward as a walking talking pile of shit in the emoji movie
i thought you're gonna say that uh star truck insurrection no although that's not very good oh
okay no it's not the emoji movie is derivative of so many other films and it fails on every
conceivable level and most importantly it's barely 90 minutes and it's full of voice actors who have
all been canceled by modern day society so we put them on a pedestal and then we knock them off and
then we don't really let them get back up we just keep kicking them in the stomach over and over
that's what i like the movie is pretty much a cinematic toilet that nobody asked for and nobody
enjoyed and i'm sorry in advance it's terrible it's gonna be awful you know i've seen this movie
before and i have almost no memory that sounds about right i think i kind of remember the basic
beats of it and but that can't possibly be right because the thing i remember is that it's an emoji
that doesn't like the feeling that it expresses you're pretty much there oh i know what are we doing
all right as always like great review you can reach out to us at pick six movies at gmail.com i think
bow and i just both need to go take a mental health day or a silkwood shower or just bang our head
on the wall and try to forget how we just spent the last two plus hours of our lives so
bow any final thoughts that you have on the super mario brothers movie hey both uh how about you
instead of punching me in the teeth you punch me right there whoa
we'll see you in two weeks time everybody
ah
(buzzing)