What if I mess up? Overcoming the fear of making mistakes

Ever caught yourself completely freezing up when trying to do something? You want to do something perfectly, say the exact right thing, but instead, an inner alarm goes off screaming: Don't get it wrong. Get it right. 

In this episode, we tackle the hidden obsession with "getting it right" and why our terror of making mistakes actually robs us of the connection we’re trying so hard to build. We unpack how tying our self-worth to having all the right answers creates unnecessary pressure, and why we don't need to be perfect parents or friends—just present ones.

✨ Ready to be a little kinder to yourself? Download our free 5-day self-compassion challenge—with daily prompts, gentle exercises and tools to help you stop the spiral of self-criticism and start speaking to yourself like a friend.

Creators and Guests

Host

Faith

Faith is a Singapore-born advocate for holistic wellbeing, informed by decades of personal exploration into counselling practices, therapy and trauma recovery. Although not a psychologist, she has developed a nuanced understanding of emotional wellness through her healing journey. Married and living in Singapore, Faith shares her home with two beloved cats and nurtures a passion for jump rope, finding both joy and valuable life lessons in it. Her outlook embraces a blend of physical, spiritual and emotional health, allowing curiosity, compassion and intentional consideration to guide her as she navigates the gentle greys that lie between life’s extremes.

Host

Melody

Melody is a passionate advocate for empowering mothers through connection, faith and digital engagement. As the project leader for Mums At The Table, a vibrant community for mothers, Melody leads efforts to create meaningful content that helps mums navigate parenting while fostering deeper relationships with their children and local communities. With a background in media and communication, Melody uses her expertise to engage mothers in digital spaces, equipping them with practical tools for parenting and personal growth. She lives in Sydney with her husband and their primary-school-aged son.

What is Life in the Grey?

Life isn’t always black and white. Life in the Grey is a Mums At The Table podcast where we explore the psychological factors that shape our relationships, be that as a parent, a partner, or a peer. And don’t worry—it’s short because we ain't got time for fluff. Expect practical takeaways that you can apply to your own life, whether it’s navigating parenting challenges or finding balance amidst life’s demands. Join us each month as we share stories, insights, and reflections that encourage personal growth and foster a sense of connection in our community.

FAITH:
So I've noticed that this thing happens when I'm trying to talk to someone who's upset, then this alarm goes off in my head, telling me, don't get it wrong, get it right, make sure you say the right thing. And then I feel so caught up in this pressure to make sure that I'm saying the right thing, that I just, I just get lost in the head.

MELODY:
So, and then the person is bleeding out and you're frozen because you're going, don't get it wrong, don't get it wrong.

FAITH:
Well, okay, I'm hoping it's not literally bleeding out, right? I'll be a lot better than that. But yes, I do get lost.

MELODY:
I meant metaphorically, but you're literally listening to Life in the Grey, a Mums At The Table podcast where we recognise that life isn't always black and white, and where we explore the psychological factors that shape our daily relationships and parenting choices. I'm Melody, a writer, a communicator, project leader for Mums At The Table, the village it takes to raise a mum.

FAITH:
And I’m Faith. I have a background in applied psychology. Parts work is my jam. I do freestyle jump rope. And sometimes I wish that my brain could contain an entire thesaurus.

MELODY:
But why would you need an entire thesaurus to comfort someone?

FAITH:
Because naming someone's emotion, right, like when we can actually find a right word to name what they're feeling, can help to calm them down. And then I'm thinking if I can just find that one word, then I can actually be of service. I can actually help.

MELODY:
So you're like, oh, it's okay. I can see that you're upset. And then you're like, but are you frustrated? Are you disappointed? Are you angry? And then that's how you get stuck?

FAITH:
Well, you know, actually, if I actually did that, that might actually be more helpful, because then maybe I can continue to have a conversation with them with curiosity and offer them options. But no, I have all of this in my head. I'm thinking, wait, what did they say? Is it frustration? No, wait, maybe it's not. Maybe it's indignance. No, wait, maybe it's . . . and then suddenly I'm not listening. I'm not listening to them anymore. The attention stops being about that person, but it starts to become about us and our performance.

MELODY:
It's the whole active listening thing, right? Like you're trying to listen to the person. You're trying to echo what they're saying. But if you are thinking about defining what they're saying, then you cannot hear what they're saying to echo what they're saying.

FAITH:
Exactly. I realised that trying to determine the right words to say, yes, on one hand, it was about helping them. But on the other hand or layer, it's also about what not getting it right says about me. Because deep down, there was this belief. There's this belief that if I don't get it right, then it means that maybe I'm not a good enough person. And that is a heavier thing to do.

MELODY:
There's two things happening, right? Like when you're trying to comfort someone, you are truly trying to help make them feel better. But yet at the same time, you're afraid that if you don't help them make feel better, if you get it wrong somehow, your worth as a person is less.

FAITH:
You hit the nail on the head.

MELODY:
So you're worrying about them, but you're worrying about yourself as well.

FAITH:
Yes. And I realised that one antidote to this is really to get okay with getting it wrong. Own up to the uncertainty on the inside. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable feeling of not having an immediate solution or not even feeling like I am of use right now. But to treat that discomfort as a signal that says, Hey, how about we play a guessing game right now? Forget about getting it right. Just play a guessing game. It's like, can I guess that maybe you're feeling overlooked? Is that right? Or could it be like there's a sense of unfairness? Maybe you feel this way. I don't know. I could be wrong.

And this shifts the entire thing because now I'm not trying desperately to prove that I can get it right. I am just saying I don't have to get it right. I just need to offer some guesses that can possibly maybe help that person see clearer through all the fog and mud.

MELODY:
I guess it's hard because for us, a lot of times when people come to us, the default thing is that we want to offer the solution. We want to be the one that they're coming to us, so we need to give them the help. It happens especially a lot when you are the mum and so you are supposedly the adult. And so if a kid, you see that there's something wrong. Hey, I'm the one that can give the solution. So if I can give the solution, I cannot get it wrong.

FAITH:
True. Except how does the solution come? What form does the solution come in?

MELODY:
Exactly. So a lot of times the reason why we struggle with all of this is because we're thinking the solution is get it right. Get them to identify what it is. But what you're saying is I don't need to get it right per se.

Well, I don't need to get it right as in I don't need to label it. I need to get it right in that I need to work it through with them to figure it out and help them. It's basically nudging them to get them to find and discover it themselves.

FAITH:
Exactly. And that in itself is a gateway to being present, to having connection, to having that kind of bond, to building that bond. Because when we're doing that guessing, that actually removes the stakes of us having to get it right, which then allows us to be fully present in the room. So now the person is not getting a performance. That person is getting us, is getting another person.

MELODY:
Yeah, that's fair.

FAITH:
It was also able to shift me from this space of trying to over-explain to not needing to over-explain so much anymore. But I think we can keep that for another episode.

MELODY:
Well, yeah, probably next year. And I say that not because I don't want to hear it. Because next month, which is going to be our last episode of the year, we are actually going to do a recap of all the podcasts of the year and reflect on whether we've grown or learned anything further from it, like we do. But I'll hear about it, the first thing next year.

Back to what we're actually talking about, this pressure to get things right. I mean, I did allude to it about being the parent and wanting to provide the solution. It comes back to the whole when I'm trying to emotionally regulate with my son, right? You're wanting to validate his feelings, to let him know that you understand and to connect with him. And yes, previously, it's like, you know, I'm the adult, I should know better. So I should be able to pinpoint exactly how you're feeling. So you must be frustrated, or you must be feeling left out. And that's the kind of language that I used to use as well.

The reality is, and I've learned over the years, is that I don't know. I may have birthed him, but I'm still not him. And you know, I'm not a mind reader. And you know, we are not telepathically connected, even though we are mothers.

FAITH:
Although sometimes you wish you were.

MELODY:
So many, so many times. Yes, because it's like, how do you explain this? But yeah, so the thing that I have learned is that what I can do is just sit with him and ask, which is why that was the first thing that I said, because this is my go-to now. It's like, are you feeling this way because of X, Y, Z?

It no longer is, you know, why are you feeling this way? Because I have learned that often, he himself don't know the reasons. They know what is not the reason, but they don't know what is the reason. So if you just go, are you feeling this because of this? They'll tell you, no, no, no, no. And then you just go on from there.

FAITH:
And at some point in time, they are also learning as you're doing this, how to do it for themselves. So that is like helping them to become more self-sufficient also, and how to regulate themselves.

MELODY:
And it's basically learning that we are still getting it right. We're not getting it right in the way that society deems it, as in, you know, here is a solution. But we are still getting it right in the sense that we're still working it through them, and eventually they will get regulated.

And maybe, dare I say, even getting it even more right, because then they have the tool to work it through themselves as well. Because, you know, the reality is we're not meant to be perfect parents. We're just meant to be connected parents.

And so when we comfort our children, and even when we comfort friends, it's not about providing the answer. It's about working with them until they find the answer. And what people remember isn't whether you gave them a solution. It's that you were there with them.

FAITH:
Preach! I agree! Yes, it is the connection. It is the experience of being seen, being heard. Because ultimately, deep down as adults, I think all of us know kind of what we need to do. It's just whether or not we feel safe enough to do it.

And often, internal safety begins with external resources. And I would say that it's not easy to offer that to ourselves at the very beginning. Especially, I know this because especially since I come from the space of being very hyper-aware, hyper-critical.

And I realised I don't need to be 100% okay with getting it wrong all the time. It's okay to even be 1% in that direction. Start at 1%. Guess a little bit more freely today. I did allow myself that. And then tomorrow, maybe allow myself half a per cent more. Just a little per cent, a little bit every day. That's enough.

MELODY:
That's it. Just that little bit. And you've been listening to Life in the Grey, a Mums At The Table podcast. We'll catch you next month. And if you've related to any part of our musings today, give us a like, subscribe or drop us a thought, comment or question at [e-mail]. We'll catch you next month for our end-of-the-year extravaganza. Bye!