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Parenting is a must-win game. That's true for all of us, including some of the most accomplished coaches and leaders in athletics across the country.
Presented by Black Raven and Little U Productions, Championship Parenting is a weekly master class on parenting and leadership from some of the top coaches, administrators and executives across the landscape of American sports — each of whom have children of their own, and a wealth of relatable stories and insight to share.
Kolby Paxton (00:01.578)
The man really needs no introduction, but I'll give him one anyway. He enters his third season at TCU, just 11 wins shy of a century mark over a 15 year head coaching career. Two years ago, he took over TCU. They were five and seven the year before they go 12 and 0 on the way to an appearance in the national championship. He's the only head football coach in the history of the program and in the history of the Big 12 Conference to start 12 and 0 in his first year. Added something like 10 coach of the year trophies to
trophy case as a result. He also played baseball at Texas Tech. He's a father of Allie, Charlie and Daniel. He's the husband of Kate, the one and the only Sonny Dykes kind enough to join the championship parenting podcast today. Coach, thank you so much for your
Sonny Dykes (00:45.686)
Yeah, excited to be here, man. Appreciate you having me and look forward to the conversation.
Kolby Paxton (00:50.814)
Yeah, this is great, man. Let's start where you start. The foundation kind of of your upbringing. Can you tell me about your family dynamic growing up? Obviously, it's pretty well documented, but I don't want to tell it for you. So what were some key elements of your childhood relationships and your involvement in athletics?
Sonny Dykes (01:09.985)
Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, I grew up, my dad was a high school coach when I was born. he was, he grew up in a small town in West Texas. My dad and mother, both grew up in Ballinger, Texas out kind of in the middle of nowhere out in West Texas. and got married, you know, kind of were high school sweethearts, got married. My dad, got a scholarship to rice, went to rice for a year.
ended up transferring to San Angelo, which was Angela State, which at that time was a junior college. And then ended up at Stephen F. Austin and got his degree from there and got into coaching and bounced around a little bit. Was the head coach at Big Spring High School when I was born. Then went to Alice High School and then from Alice High School went to the University of Texas. And so it was there for a number of years. And so, you know, I was kind of born to a coaching family and a family that moved around a lot. And
You know, my dad, think was, was old school in a lot of ways. I he was, you know, a big believer in a work ethic and just a kind of, a black and white way of doing things in terms of, know, he was one those guys who went to the office, you know, pretty much every day at five o 'clock in the morning. It came home pretty much every day at 10 o 'clock at night, regardless of whether or not it was football season, off season, whatever it was, you know, had a two week vacation and just kind of grind it all the time. And that was his mentality.
you what he learned from those guys. And so, you my upbringing, I spent a lot of time with my mother. My mother and I are really close. I've got an older brother and sister. My older brother's 10 years older than me, sister nine. And so in a lot of ways, I was kind of an only child when I got a little bit older. So my mother and I really close. She's kind of the one that I spent the most time with. My mom was really an interesting person, loved to read, very artistic.
I kind of picked up a passion for reading when I was really young from her. One of the things that we used to do quite a bit growing up was go to every single garage sale wherever it was we lived and buy books. And she would read half the books, I'd read half the books. And we would kind of switch and talk about them. And that's the kind of relationship we had. We went to a lot of art galleries and a lot of fun things just kind of growing up.
Sonny Dykes (03:35.549)
kind of spurred my interest in reading and art and some stuff that's kind of different maybe than a lot of football coaches. But then, you my dad took a lot of pride in being a good father, but you know, just wasn't around a whole lot. So that was kind of my background and my older brother got into coaching. You know, we all played all the sports growing up from a very young age and you know, everything we could play and that kind of what got me into
Kolby Paxton (04:05.342)
You know, I needless to say the the spike dykes piece of this has been covered and recovered and re recovered as it relates to you and your coaching career and the similarities between the two. But I'm really interested in the, you know, the role that your mother played in your upbringing. And I haven't read a lot about that. I haven't heard a lot about that. But can you speak to I don't want to put words in your mouth. But like, you know, my dad wasn't a football coach, but
saw him leave before the sun came up and come home after the sun went down and similarly was very close with my mother. But to this day have the utmost respect for my father and I feel like I absorbed a lot of his work ethic, know, caught it more than it was taught, right? And so I wonder for you, the the kind of meshing of the two, the watching your father with his work ethic, right? And then your mom with the, you know, the presence that you just spoke to.
Sonny Dykes (04:57.5)
Yeah.
Sonny Dykes (05:03.035)
Yeah, yeah, you my dad was my dad was kind of.
just one purpose, and that was to coach football, to impact young people, to win games. Single -minded focus on that. Where again, my mom loved music, and so we had music going all the time in our house. And my dad, it's funny, my dad would always tell me, he goes, I don't understand music. I don't really get it. I don't understand it. I don't appreciate it. don't like it. It's funny, he just wasn't his thing. And
If it didn't have anything to do with football, he just wasn't too much of a fan of it. And my mom was kind of the opposite of me, just really loved the arts. And so I think I got that part of her for sure. You know, my dad, you know, as I said earlier, you know, the way our family kind of grew up, he came home from work, you know, nine, nine thirty at night. You know, we ate dinner at 10 o 'clock. That was kind of what we did. you dinner was 10 at 10 o 'clock. As soon as I finished eating dinner, I went to bed.
He would watch Johnny Carson or whatever it was back in the day and then he would go to bed. And that was kind of the routine. It didn't matter if it was football season or the off season. I mean, it's just kind of the way it was at our household. And so, I spent a lot of time with my mom. I mean, it's just kind of the way it was. And she had a huge impact on me. And just from the time spent, and it's like you said, my dad was a great example. mean, my dad was unique in that his players were like his kids.
His coaches were like part of our family literally. You know, when we vacationed together, those were his friends, those were the people that we spent time with. You know, we took one vacation a year and it was with all of his coaches and we would go down to the Texas coast and the men would go fishing and the women would take care of the kids and it's just kind of what we did, you know what I mean?
Sonny Dykes (07:03.019)
And you know, and was just his guys that he worked with and that was our vacation growing up. And so pretty simple, you know, life from that perspective. But the one thing I did get to see from my dad was just the impact that he had on players. You know, I mean, for years and years and years, we, you know, we would have former players that came and stayed at our house, you know, former players' families
You know, my dad was constantly doing anything he could to help. and I really, truly believe that those guys were, were our family, you know? And then occasionally, not very often, but occasionally I'd get to go to the office with him and hang around a little bit. And, when I got to do that, you know, I even saw it more where it just, you know, he spent a good bit of his time, you know, coaching and doing his job that way, but he's probably spent 30 % or 40 % of
helping people, know what I mean? Helping those players or their families or somebody that needed some help. And that was just kind of his way of doing it. you know, it's funny, my dad didn't have a ton of regret in his life. I think he lived a very fulfilling life and was very pleased with what happened and the way it went. But I think one of the few regrets he ever had was he said, you know, I wish I'd have spent a little bit more
with my family in a little bit less time than everybody else's family. And I think he tried to instill that to me before he passed. Just go to everything, do everything, be a part of everything that you can be a part of because as I said, I think that was probably one of his few regrets in life.
Kolby Paxton (08:43.902)
Yeah, so I wonder if you could speak to that present day, right? So tell me about your parenting approach with your kids, the family dynamic in your house, kind of the ebb and the flow or the yin and the yang, so to speak, with Kate and you.
Sonny Dykes (08:57.942)
Yeah, yeah, so I tell you, I tell you what was interesting for me was, you know, when I got into the profession, you know, I never worked with my dad. And so he, you know, I think we were very similar. My older brother worked with him for a number of years and and I think they had different personalities. I think my dad and I were probably shared way too many personality traits to work together. I don't think that would have been a a good thing for either one of us. And so
You know, we kind of, when I got into coaching, I kind of did my separate thing and went out on my own. And, but I had that same belief really though. Okay, look, there's one way to do this. And then I'll never forget, I read an article. I believe it was an ESP in the magazine or whatever, and talking about Bob Stoops and how he took his kids to school every day. And I remember reading that article and kind of having an epiphany in some ways and going, you know, wow, you can be a really good hard nose, tough.
successful football coach, but you can also still make time for your family. And so I remember reading that and I remember thinking, it was kind of an eye opener for me and thinking, you know what, this is, I was single until I was 36 years old intentionally. I was trying to, I started as a high school coach in a little three high school in West Texas.
You know, worked my way up and went to a five a high school in DFW and then the Vero junior college and then a GA and then full time back to a GA. So just was doing everything I could, could, could do to kind of get into college football and quite frankly was having a hard time kind of breaking in. And so I wanted to stay single, wanted to be able to, to do what anybody needed. Wanted to be able to work 20 hours a day if I needed to and move at the, you know, at the blink of an eye and do all the stuff that would allow me to kind
you know, move up through the ranks and then, you know, started, started thinking about having a family and get married and all of the things and read that article from Stoops. And to me that we really said, you know what? Okay. I can do this. I think I can be a good, a good father and what I view as a good father. And, and then at the same time, you know, be a successful football coach. And so that was kind of my goal was to, was to do it that way. And ended up, you know, get married,
Sonny Dykes (11:21.042)
you know, met Kate when I was coaching at Texas Tech and, and, you know, we started dating and two years later got married. And the great thing about her was she came from a family of coaches, you know, her brother's the head basketball coach at UTAP. Her dad's a high school coach. Her grandfather was one of the winningest high school coaches in Texas when he retired. And she really gets it. You know, she gets how important her role is as, as a coach's wife. She gets
the time she gets the, she understands that, you know, we may be on vacation across the country, but if I get a phone call, I may be on an airplane instantly going home to meet with a recruit. I mean, she just understands the whole thing. And I think that that's kind of what's made it work for us. And, and she also understands, you know, there's she's leaving today to go pick my kids up from camp and, and I'm not going to be able to go. We got to, we have somebody on campus and I've got to do recruiting and, know, and she just rolls with
You know, and we had this big plans. We were going to do this. We were going to kind of spend a little bit time together right at the end. And, know, and here we have somebody on campus and the plans change and she's going solo. And so that's just, that's just the way it is. And she understands it. And so I think that's, you know, that's made things really easy for me. and, know, and the thing I want to try to do, and I try to talk to our coaches all the time about this is look, you know, we're going to, we're going to be required to work a lot of hours. We.
You know, we schedule things out a year out in advance. You know, when we sat down and started putting our calendar together, you know, with recruiting and all the different things we had to do, you know, we were working 46 of the 52 weekends in a year. And so, you know, that's just hard to do. It can be hard on a marriage. can be hard to be a parent.
And so, you know, that's the one thing I've tried to do is encourage my guys that look, we're going to spend a lot of time here together. We're going to spend a lot of time with everybody else's kids. When you have an opportunity, go spend time with your family and your kids. And so I'm always encouraging our coaches get out the office, you know, go to that game. you know, technology allows us to do some things now that probably we couldn't do before. can make recruiting calls that my daughter's, recital or cheerleading competition
Sonny Dykes (13:42.387)
my son's baseball or football game. And I mean, there's a lot of times where I'll have an iPad and I'll be at his game and I'll be breaking film down or doing whatever it is I need to be doing. And thank goodness for technology, because that allows you to do some of that. But that's been my thing is like, there's a lot of things I can't go to. But if I can, I go to every single thing and I encourage my coaches to do the same
Kolby Paxton (14:06.152)
You alluded to this a moment ago, but I want to unpack it a little bit. The value of community. And correct me if I'm off on the math here, but in Allie's lifetime, you've gone from, she's your oldest, correct? So you've gone from Ruston, Louisiana to Berkeley to Dallas to Fort Worth, but many of the faces on your staff have remained the same from one stop to the next. I was reading an interview that Kate
Sonny Dykes (14:23.609)
That's correct,
Kolby Paxton (14:35.242)
And I want to say the number was in the neighborhood of like 50 children whose dad was on your staff in some capacity at that time. Can you just speak to how that sort of continuity in -house helps create consistency for your family and for the other families?
Sonny Dykes (14:42.563)
Yeah,
Sonny Dykes (14:48.538)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. think, yeah. So Allie was born in, in, in actually in Tucson. So we went from Tucson to Ruston, Ruston to Berkeley, Berkeley to Fort Worth, Fort Worth to Dallas, Dallas back to Fort Worth. And so she did a lot of moving, you know, and I did a lot of moving. I've lived in 22 different places in my life, you know, which is really hard to imagine. I mean, there's just not many other people other than people in the military that do that.
You know, in a weird sort of way, I think it's good for your kids to an extent. You know, I think it forces them to learn how to adjust and to be able to meet people and to kind of carve out their own identity. And so, you know, I think there's a fine line in there somewhere between what's a good number of moves and what's too many. But the thing that we have tried to do, you know, as we go through this is, you know, is kind of create that same family atmosphere that my dad did, you know, where
We have kids in our office all the time, you know, and our coaches are always welcome to bring their kids here. You know, when we go out to practice every day, you most days there's 10 kids minimum. Some days there's 25, you know, at our practice. And that's what I want, you know what mean? I want our kids to be able to, number one, know each other and have a relationship with each other and feel comfortable with each other and get to know our players and have a relationship with our players as well.
and just be around and I just think that I think you know it's interesting I think that's really important I think it's important for our players to see our coaches with their wives I think it's important for our players to see us with our kids I think that they appreciate the fact that they're part of that and they really do everybody talks about family and family atmosphere and all this stuff and it's different when you actually live it you know I just think that it resonates with the players
You know, one of the interesting things that when I first became a head coach at Louisiana Tech, we did a survey with our players on a bunch of different things just to get some information. You know, it's the first time I'd ever coached in the state of Louisiana. You know, and I wanted to find out as much as I could about our players. So we did a survey. 82 % of our players on that tech team came from a single parent household. And so when we looked at that, you know, we said, wow, that's number one.
Kolby Paxton (16:56.189)
and
Kolby Paxton (17:08.166)
Sonny Dykes (17:14.612)
big number. Didn't expect it to be that big. But what stood out to us was, okay, what can we do to model a good relationship between a man and a woman, and a husband and a wife? And so that was one of the things Kate and I talked about was, okay, look, you know, one way we can improve our players' lives is by
showing them what a healthy relationship looks like. There's a lot of these guys haven't ever seen that before. And so, you know, and one of the things I talked to her about, she talked to me about was, you know, hey, look, she said, I want to be around. I want those guys to see us together. I want those guys to see us be affectionate. You know, I want those guys to see me pouring into you and you pouring into me. And so, you know, we were very intentional about that and we encouraged the guys on our staff to be intentional.
At that time we had very young kids and but you know, we wanted to get them around as much as we could. so Kate came to practice every day and brought Ali every single day and she was around and she was with our players and she was passing Ali off to the players and those guys were holding her and you know, just all the stuff that we could do to, you know, to encourage to encourage that. And so that those players
you know, could see a healthy relationship and, and you know, I think it's funny, I, at the time, I thought, you know, no one notices or it doesn't really matter. And I can't tell you, you know, 15 years later, how many players we run into that say, you know, just want you to know how much I appreciated that. You know, I really felt like, you know, that we were welcoming your home and we were part of your family. and, you know, I just think that's important. I mean, I really do. And as I said, I
Sometimes as coaches, you we think the only thing that matters is winning and losing. And obviously that's a big part of it. That's how we get to keep our jobs. But you know, those things that we do that affect our players are the things they remember. You know, it's funny when my dad passed away, I'll never forget, I went to his funeral and was just around the players and listened to those guys talk. And they never talked about football games. You know, they talked
Kolby Paxton (19:19.721)
Yeah.
Sonny Dykes (19:34.963)
you know, things that they had done together off the field. And, and I heard him talking about my dad and you know, and when guys were trying to start a business 10 years later, you know, him trying to help them get a loan or him connecting them with somebody that could help them financially or, know, just all these different things that were, you know, not coaching, but just kind of things that people that care about you do to help you. And, and to me, I mean, it
That was a big moment for me. remember thinking, wow, you know, I knew it was important, but I don't know that I ever knew how important that was. And so, you know, I was really lucky. Like I said, my dad, you know, my dad really cared about people and in particular football players, you know, the most influential people in his life or coaches. And I think he always took that role, you know, very seriously.
Kolby Paxton (20:23.924)
Yeah. As far as your approach to leading young people in general, what are the fundamental pillars of philosophies that you implement with your program at TCU and how do the principles align with the way that you approach parenting? Is there a crossover?
Sonny Dykes (20:42.009)
Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I mean, think that's the one big thing we do. talk to our guys all the time about this and I always tell them, you know, look, I have high expectations for you as a person, as a player and just like I do my own kids. And I try to relate it all the time to raising, you know, raising kids is, you know, I want you to be the best version of yourself that you could be. And, you know, and I'm going to hold you to that. And I'm not going to ask you to do anything that I wouldn't ask my own son or my own daughter to do.
And at the same time, I'm gonna hold you accountable, just like I would hold them accountable. And I think young people in today's world, it's weird. I you know, I knew when my dad got mad at me when I was a kid, that he got mad at me out of love. And he got mad at me, know, angry at me out of responsibility and to provide an example for me. And I think what happens now with young people is they're told yes by so many people, you know, their entire lives and especially good athletes because they are kind
They just, this sense of entitlement creeps into them. don't think it's because of them. I think it's because of all these people that have made them feel entitled their whole life. And I think that in some ways they feel like, look, I don't have to do this because I'm a good football player. And, and I think that, you know, what I tell them all the time is look, you should do it because you're a good football player and you should do it better than everybody else because you're a good football player. And, and that's your responsibility that comes with being a great athlete.
and being a role model. And so, you know, that's the big thing. think number one, they have to know you care about them not only as players, but as people. I think that, again, you've got to create very clear standards and expectations and then you have to hold them accountable, just like you do have to do with your own kids. And I think, you know, young people want to please you. They really do. And I think that you have to make sure that they understand if you are giving them bad news.
you're doing it because you care about them. You know what I mean? And you're not just passing them off to somebody else. And I think that's been the, to me, that's the disconnect, I think, with a lot of this generation a little bit is, and I don't think it's the kid's fault, I think it's the adult's fault because we just haven't communicated expectations as well as we should have with them, and then we don't hold them accountable to the level that we should. And I think that's the big thing. And I tell our guys all the time, look, I'm punishing you.
Sonny Dykes (23:11.084)
Not because I get joy on it. You know, I'm punishing you because I want you to do better. I know you can do better and I want you to understand that this behavior, whatever it is, isn't acceptable and you're capable of better. And you know, and I tell them all the time, look, I would treat my kids the exact same way. And I would want you to treat yours the exact same
Kolby Paxton (23:31.082)
Yeah. When you think about your own impact, your own legacy, how do you hope to be remembered by your players, your kids?
Sonny Dykes (23:40.023)
Well, just like that, I mean, think that, you know, I want my players to believe that, you know, that all of this experience was about them and it wasn't about me, you know, and I think the one thing that I've always tried to do is I really do believe this. And again, I think I got this from my dad is, and I think it kind of shapes everything about our program is that, you know, I believe that I'm here to serve the players. You know what I mean? I think that I
a vehicle for them to get where they want to go in their life. I don't believe they're here to serve me. And I think that, you know, when you start with that perspective, I think it changes everything. You know what I mean? And I constantly have to remind our players of that. You know, we're in this NIL age now where, you know, we have players all the time that leave for money. know, guys come in, they say, well, this school is going to give me more money and I'm to go do it.
Then we get into a staff room and this is just human nature and our coaches are like, well, I can't believe that they would leave for money and all this stuff. And I always have to remind them, well, how many coaches that we had that left for money? You know what I mean? The players aren't any different than us. You know, this, they, would we hold them to a higher expectation than we hold ourselves? You know, like money drives decisions and it's part of, part of what we do. And, you know, and I hope
that I provide such a good environment for coaches that they'll stay here at TCU for a little less money. And I'm hoping the players will do the same thing. Some understand that, some it's part of that process where they say, well, hey, look, I have a great experience here. I'm happy. I feel like I'm treated right. You know, I'm going to be a little bit more inclined to stay. And then others, you know, if they offer somebody offers them a dollar more, they're going to leave. And they're not any different than coaches that way. And I think that's just the way it is.
I think that's the kind of thing I try to do all the time is look in the mirror first and say, okay, what would I do in this situation, you know, before kind of before I react. And so that's, that's, you know, something that we talk about all the time as a coaching
Kolby Paxton (25:51.476)
Coach, I know you got a busy day on campus this afternoon. Someone cut you loose. On the way out, do you have any, I know you mentioned your passion for reading. Do you have any book recommendations for young coaches or young parents?
Sonny Dykes (26:04.17)
You know what I've tried to do sometimes? You know, one of the things I always like to do is kind of read the classics. You know, I like to read, you know, 100 greatest books of all time and, you know, lot of that kind of stuff. So I've been trying to get through some of that. You know, saw some lists here recently. were, you know, the 100 best books of the of this century. And so kind of have started trying to get into some of that stuff. Look, I'm I'm a guilty.
pleasure reader sometimes too. I love Read True Crime. I'm really fascinated by that stuff. You know, I think you've got to, I think that when it comes to reading books about your team, self -help books or leadership books, you know, I think that it helps to, because there's so many different views on it, I think it helps to sample it, to figure out what aligns with your beliefs and to kind of to dive into a particular
a particular author or a point of view, you know, because I've read so many different books on leadership and so many different books on, you know, how to build, you know, successful organizations or whatever. And they're all different. And I think they're all effective and they've obviously all worked. But I think if you can hone in on somebody that really shares your values and really take a deep dive into that, I think that's, you know, a lot more effective to me. You know, what are the
The things that I've really enjoyed reading through the years are Malcolm Gladwell's books. Because to me, you know, because it's all about perspective and seeing things from different perspectives. You know, and just finding out stuff that we talk about all the time. I one of the big ones was that I read a number of years ago was Outliers and talked a little bit about.
You know, the power of 10 ,000 hours worth of work and those types of things to me were really fascinating. The hockey team study where, you know, they go and they looked at why guys are successful hockey teams with these Canadian kids. And, and just how there's so many factors that shape somebody's experience and somebody's, you know, kind of path. and so anyway, those are things that again, to me, it stood out. always read his stuff. listened to the podcast with him on it.
Sonny Dykes (28:25.71)
It's been really healthy for me to, you know, to kind of look at situations and see it, try to see it from a different perspective and a different angle maybe and understand that there's, there's more going on behind the scenes, you know, maybe than we think there is. And I think it's helped me become more of a person that thinks in the gray a little bit as opposed to someone who sees things just as in black and white. And why do people do things? Well, it's not necessarily because they're bad people.
It's because they have these experiences that have shaped who they are. So anyway, that's kind of the stuff that I enjoy reading. I don't know if it helps me as a football coach, but I think it certainly helps the way I think and view the world.
Kolby Paxton (29:10.974)
Yup, TCU head football coach, Sonny Dykes. Coach, you're the best. I appreciate your time so much today. Enjoyed our conversation and hope that we can cross paths again later on because I got way more questions for
Sonny Dykes (29:23.622)
Yeah, thanks. appreciate it. I appreciate you having me on and like said, we'll do it again for sure. I'd love
Kolby Paxton (29:28.884)
All right, have a good day,
Sonny Dykes (29:31.321)
Okay,