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Collection of tracks for demonstrations
How to Build Rapport
Brought to you by Assemble You.
It's time to work on YOU. So sit back and listen to practical, actionable advice to accelerate your progress.
Rapport is a feeling of harmony with another person. You experience rapport when you know your teammate trusts you or when you’re sure the boss will support your latest venture. Rapport is that laugh you share over a meal when you’ve survived a howling mistake with a client.
Sometimes rapport is instant and spontaneous. We might just hit it off with someone, and we don’t need to analyse why. But it’s more common for rapport to build over time, especially at work.
What do you gain when you establish rapport? Your teams will work better, you’ll encourage people to follow you, people will commit to you in meaningful ways, and you’ll be a person of influence.
In this track, you’ll learn how to create rapport with the people you meet. You’ll see how charismatic and empathetic people create rapport in three ways:
1. Active listening
2. Body language
3. Choice of words
Remember this ABC of rapport whenever you want to create a positive impression. Which, we’re hoping, is all the time!
Let’s begin by talking about charisma. We all know when we meet someone charismatic. They radiate a graceful power, an authority that comes from experience and wisdom rather than from arrogance and pomposity. They show an interest in the people they lead. They radiate authenticity and charm, and genuine human warmth. Above all else, they have presence. Wherever they are – in a one-to-one meeting or at the mic in a sixty-thousand seater stadium – they are the person others are drawn to.
Many people mistakenly believe that charismatic people are born that way. They’re not. Charisma comes from what a person does and how they behave rather than being a birth attribute. What do charismatic people do? They build rapport with the people they’re with.
So, what are the benefits of building rapport? Olivia Fox Cabane, in her book The Charisma Myth, writes that ‘Charisma is what enables one successful salesman to sell five times more than his colleagues in the same region. It’s the difference between entrepreneurs who have investors banging on their doors and those who have to beg the bank for a loan.’ Building rapport has real benefits and generates tangible results.
Let’s move on to what else rapport requires. Rapport also needs empathy, an understanding of the feelings of others, to flourish. Empathy occurs when we can see the world from the point of view of another person. Empathy is why we cheer for the hero in a movie. Take the viewer's feelings towards Agent Starling in The Silence of the Lambs, one of only three films to win five Oscars, for example.
From the first seconds of the film, while the opening credits are still running and you’re settling into your seat, the director creates a bond between the hero of his story and the audience. The intentional directorial decisions encourage us to care for Agent Starling and experience the same highs and terrifying, horrific, heart-pumping lows as she does. We see the world from her point of view, and we empathise with her. We can imagine what it feels like to be in her predicament because all of us have struggled to achieve a goal, been out of our depth, been terrified by a challenge.
Andreas Loizou is a trainer and author who teaches people to be more empathetic. ‘Some people confuse empathy with weakness. These are the people who don’t lead their team but whip people into shape. They regard emotions as a barrier to their objectives and dismiss the concerns of others as irrelevant or even stupid. Bullying and frightening people is a poor long term strategy if you want to build rapport.’
***
So how exactly are you going to foster that sense of empathy and build rapport?
You’re midway through your annual review, and your manager checks the weather on their phone. How do you feel? You’re talking to your colleague about your plan to take a sabbatical year, and he starts scrolling through his emails, his feet tapping with impatience. How do you feel?
Being present is vital for building rapport. We’re all distracted because so many stimuli are fighting for our attention. But something magical happens once you cut out the distractions and commit to the conversation. You show the other people you are giving them your undivided attention. You are present.
Here are three techniques that make you more present, and this isn’t a case of ‘fake it till you make it’. You have to do these for real when you want to build rapport.
Active listening is a great starting point.
This means focusing solely and exclusively on the speaker, what she has to say and the way she is saying it. Active listening means letting go, as far as possible, of our own opinions and personal biases and offering our total attention to the person who is speaking. Active listening means acknowledging the speaker’s points without criticism, which demands patience. It also means that you are not searching for the next thing to say as they are speaking because you are listening intently. Active listening helps you see things – ideas, problems, projects – from other people’s points of view. It ensures you give people enough time to develop their points fully. Active listening also means treating the speaker with respect. When it is your time to talk, they will be much more amenable to listening.
There are three main points of guidance for how to actively listen.
The first: be silent. Let people finish their sentences. People are not looking for an immediate answer to their problems; they want you to hear all they have to say, so just keep your mouth closed and your ears open. If this is a problem for you, imagine keeping your lips firmly shut until the person has stopped speaking. Literally, keeping your mouth shut will open your mind.
The second point is don’t interrupt their flow. Sometimes, a critical thought may strike you – either about the conversation you are having or a completely unrelated topic – that makes this difficult. But you must keep the thought to yourself. If it’s a genuinely great idea and you are scared that it might leave your head, jot three words down in a notebook. This shows the speaker you’re listening and considering their point, plus it keeps you focused.
The third tip is to offer encouragement when the time is right. Encouragement is not the same as interrupting. Encouragement means saying Could you tell me more about that? or I’m really interested in what you’re saying when there is a natural pause in the conversation. People may feel self-conscious about speaking too much, especially if they are speaking about themselves, so a small yet sincere show of encouragement will convince them that you are engaged with the conversation.
Alongside active listening, body language is important too.
Andreas Loizou describes how body language puts us in a state of rapport ‘I used to believe that body language reflected what we feel. But it’s more powerful than that. The correct body language actually changes how we act. Focus on the speaker, adopt an open posture and nod where appropriate. You’ll find yourself much more receptive to their ideas, and this will create rapport.’
What are the important elements to remember?
Firstly, show empathy. Display supportive body language. A simple nod, for instance, is enough to show that you are listening and understand what the speaker is saying. Secondly, show commitment. Tell yourself, before the conversation begins, that you are the listener. From the moment you meet your correspondent, make eye contact. This is a great way to focus your attention on the speaker and show that you are listening (but avoid staring for too long!). Thirdly, be aware of your breathing. Making your breathing deeper and slower will make it easier to listen and harder to interrupt.
So we have covered active listening and body language. Additionally, you can create rapport with your verbal language.
Link a speaker’s last sentence to your next one. You have points you want to make, but while you’re establishing rapport, it’s better to respond to the last thing the speaker said. Linking proves that you are listening and fluidly develops the conversation. Be patient and concentrate on building rapport. Your turn to take centre stage will come.
Next, paraphrasing is often the first step towards agreement, and it’s a great way to avoid misunderstandings. Paraphrasing encourages the other speaker to give you more detail. It demonstrates that you are interested in what they are saying and why they are saying it. You need to signpost to the listener that you are paraphrasing. Good phrases to use include: Is it correct to say that you feel/think/believe X? or it seems to me that you are happy/angry concerned about Y.
Paraphrasing is a powerful technique, but it has its dangers. If you paraphrase too early in a conversation, you may be seen as interrupting or putting words into someone's mouth. Some people may interpret paraphrasing as condescending; when people lose their temper, it tends to irritate them. So, pick the right moment to use it.
Finally, use the language of support. Choose the right words to show you care about other people and that you want to open up a dialogue. Words like help, together and jointly show you’re a collaborator. You might also consider slipping in cooperation, side by side, and reasonable. Phrases like Tell me your opinion and I’m interested in what you think foster a spirit of teamwork.
Overall, it’s easier to build rapport than you might imagine. You need to reject the myth that certain people are simply naturally charismatic. It’s almost always the case that they use this ABC of rapport techniques to boost their empathy and genuinely connect with you.
So, remember A for active listening. They are paying attention to what you say. They encourage you to speak but don’t interrupt. B is for body language. They show they are paying attention to you. They don’t get distracted because they are focused on you and you only. And, finally, C is for choice of words. They’ve chosen words that are supportive, inclusive, and human.
Your action for this week is to be much more conscious about your next five meetings with individuals. These could be people you are introduced to at work or new people you encounter at a party or after yoga. Really focus on their words and their body language. Make a point of remembering their name. Repeat it when you’re introduced and when you say goodbye. Consciously use the body language shown by active listeners. So face them, maintain eye contact and bend your head slightly forward.
Suspend your judgement. Accept that someone with a different point of view isn’t automatically wrong. Search for points of connection and shared experiences. See if you can build a little rapport.
That’s all for today. Have a productive week!