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A weekly show from the folks at East Lansing Info breaking down all the news and happenings in East Lansing, Michigan.
WDBM East Lansing.
Speaker 2:This is East Lansing Insider brought to you by ELI on Impact eighty nine FM. In this show, we break down all of the news and happenings in the East Lansing community. And now, today's East Lansing Insider.
Speaker 3:Hello. This is East Lansing Insider, and I'm Dustin Dufourt Petty. This weekend is Valentine's Day, and I'm sure most of us know that. Unfortunately, I first up is Kath Etzel and Alice Parr. The two have been together for nearly forty years and married for approximately ten.
Speaker 4:We met when I was in vet school. So Alice is a veterinary technician, and so I was in vet school. She worked at Michigan State. And so we met Through school and work. Through school and work in 1986.
Speaker 4:Well, that's when we got together. We probably met. Probably a little
Speaker 5:earlier in that year. That was June.
Speaker 3:Were you if it's okay to ask, were you both out at the time?
Speaker 4:Oh, yeah. I I was. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Absolutely. I don't know why I said that about me and not her.
Speaker 2:Cath, what was it that you noticed about Alice?
Speaker 4:Did purple hairs.
Speaker 2:Alice, what'd you notice about Cath?
Speaker 5:Well, I don't know if we get it. No. Not the tone of her. She just had a great smile, beautiful blue eyes, and we hit it off.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So that's nearly forty years next this year?
Speaker 5:Yes. It'll be forty. June?
Speaker 3:Yep. When did you know either of you can answer this, but when did you know that the other one was the one?
Speaker 4:So, we I, I had actually accepted a job. So like, we actually got together, like, right before I finished vet school. We, I asked her to go help me pick out an outfit for graduation. And then we went out again the next night and there was just a good connection. And yet, three weeks later, I was leaving for a job in Maryland.
Speaker 4:And so I would say for me, definitely over that first nine months of long distance, flying back and forth, driving back and forth. I ended up taking a job back in Michigan that was supposed to start six three months after I took the job, and the guy down in Maryland was just pissed and said, you know, he thought I was gonna stay there forever and he just said, go home now. And I was like, okay. Woo hoo. So rented a U Haul and moved out that did the lesbian, rented a U Haul and moved out, moved in.
Speaker 4:Yeah. And never looked back.
Speaker 3:We also spoke with Steve and Sally Whelan. The couple have been married just shy of forty years and have raised three children.
Speaker 6:I I got hooked on this girl right away. This is in 1987.
Speaker 7:'7. And
Speaker 6:I thought number one, she's got a gorgeous voice. She's beautiful and she's hilarious. So, in the in the wedding as she's singing, she end up they mixed up all the songs and this and that. So, the the bride's all freaking out because they they got other things all screwed up and she was Sally was hilarious just her gestures from up in front of this little church. And I thought I wanna get to know this girl.
Speaker 6:We we talked to some that day. And I would.
Speaker 7:We worked for the same organization.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh.
Speaker 7:And as God would have it, we were in the same location all summer. We had summer
Speaker 6:After your wedding.
Speaker 7:We had a summer to kind of get to know each other. And we hung out with a group of friends that, he knew some of them. I knew some of them and, so
Speaker 6:we did.
Speaker 7:And then it was then it was challenging because that was before cell phones and stuff we would call. It was long distance calling, so we would call once a week, yes, and we would write letters. Oh. So
Speaker 6:And we got married basically a year from that wedding.
Speaker 3:Our final couple today is Ahmed and Alison Al Said. Alison refers to her husband as Hadi, which is his nickname several times in this recording.
Speaker 1:We met through mutual friends. So in Egypt, they don't necessarily do one on one dating, that's not a thing. And Hadi is a professional handball player. And one of my friends who was also an American, she was studying abroad, was a Fulbright scholar, she was attempting to date his teammate. And we were kind of pulled along as, you know, not supervisors, but like, what are they called chaperones?
Speaker 1:We were kind of full along as chaperones and that's how we met.
Speaker 3:Allison, what did you first notice about Ahmed?
Speaker 1:He was much taller than most of the Egyptian men that I had met up to that point. He's very tall. That was the first thing I noticed because he was at a distance when I first saw him coming at me. Second thing was a smile. He was really, really genuine and really authentic.
Speaker 1:He wasn't trying to make any moves. He wasn't trying to play any games. He wasn't trying to even flirt with me. He was just a polite man, and that's what I first noticed. That's what drew me to him.
Speaker 3:And what did you notice about Allison?
Speaker 8:So, of course, pretty. You know?
Speaker 1:It's just like a
Speaker 8:for a man, it's the first thing that kids and just, like, pretty. But also, you know, it's not I've met a lot of women be, you know, seen a lot of women. I've seen, you know, dealt with, you know, my sisters. I have a sister. So friends and I've seen a lot And clearly different, clearly determined the the strive to to be better, the the strength, the support that she gave at, you know, at times, it's it all build up.
Speaker 8:I did not like, I wasn't into, like, even though it's, like I said, with athletes and we went up to dating, never had a girlfriend, and Allison was first of everything. So one and done, did it right, and here we are.
Speaker 3:Allison, you and Hattie just welcomed your fourth child. Congratulations. How did having children change your relationship or add to it?
Speaker 1:We waited a considerable time, I would say two years, into our marriage before we started trying because living together with somebody you've never lived with before, having that transition, making sure that you're compatible beyond, just the superficial, making sure you establish a deep bond. We've always had, you know, our religion at the center of our relationship, and that's kind of gotten us through some of the more difficult transitions. I would say that's our secret to a happy relationship is having religion and Allah at the center of it. Because whenever you feel like it's too much or it's getting too hard, you just see him there. You like feel him being present in the relationship and it makes you stronger.
Speaker 1:Having a child is just another level of that. It's a graduated level.
Speaker 3:Alice and Kath talked to us about how important communication was in their development of their marriage, especially as they made decisions about what their family would look like.
Speaker 4:Communication. You know, we talk, we talk, we talk. Know, somebody said something recently, and I said, We're enough alike and enough different that it just works. I mean, we have the same profession in a sense. We own a business together, but she spends most of the time at the business.
Speaker 4:I run stuff from home so we don't get under each other's skin. You know, if we were around each other all the time, that might happen, might not. She needs more alone time than I do. I I need more busy time. It just works.
Speaker 4:The biggest thing that the only really big arguments we've ever had are kind of about children, the number of go ahead.
Speaker 5:Yeah. I was just gonna say, and that's one thing. Yeah. That's about the only thing we ever argued about really was was her need to really be have more kids wasn't really what I thought it was gonna be. But she's just so passionate about things, and that's one of the big, you know, things I still love about her daily is that she gets involved.
Speaker 5:She puts her money where her mouth is, and she does the work. And she makes it all happen. And I don't always have that kind of energy or stamina or follow through, I guess. And she's just a very linear thinker. And, you know, like, it was up to me, kids would never go to the dentist.
Speaker 5:I would forget, you know, doctor's appointments. I yeah. I'm just I'm more airhead, and she just She's not an airhead. Well, I know. But she just keeps you know, she just really has convictions and passionate about things and things that I think, well, we're never gonna be able to pull this off.
Speaker 5:And we do. So and a lot of it's because of her and her I call her my little pitbull. You know? She gets a, she gets the idea and hangs onto it, hangs onto it type.
Speaker 4:You know, pregnancy never worked. That's a whole another struggle of dealing with infertility and, and trying and the heartbreak of that. But in the meantime, had adopted two children before she stopped trying to get pregnant. And so you have this elation and you have this grief and all of that. Then it was like, well, she was done.
Speaker 4:I wasn't done. A couple of years passed. I convinced her another kid. I convinced her another kid. And I know what she has sacrificed for me to do that.
Speaker 4:And it's just constantly being appreciative of her willingness. We have eight kids. Somebody who wants two, when you end up with eight, that's- A
Speaker 5:stretch.
Speaker 4:A stretch. I appreciate what she- and I think that's that's part of it is just we sort of appreciate and try to make room for the the the bigger differences. Like, she, you know, she knows that I'm passionate about my activism work, which takes me away from the house a lot. And she understands that I need to do this, and I understand she may need two hours off by herself, away from everybody, and we just make compromises and try to make it work.
Speaker 3:Steve and Sally talk to us about how they handle disagreements.
Speaker 6:We we never have disagreements. Have never had an argument in all thirty eight years, thirty seven years
Speaker 7:so here's the problem Steve and I are both what would you say like maybe more of a type a personality opinionated and stuff so we've had some some real disagreements. Not like some of our friends where one's real flexible. You know? So that has been a journey that we've learned how to navigate for the most part. So.
Speaker 6:I think I think the balance of
Speaker 7:and if I give Steve his way that works out really good
Speaker 6:I think having a balance of love and respect is really, really important because if you don't feel loved, then, you won't treat the other person with respect and if you don't feel respect, you won't treat the other person with love and I think we have a friend who explains it as kind of you step on my ear hose and then I don't get fed that love or that respect and everybody needs a a balance of both. Then, I think that's when you start thinking about yourself and that's when when you start thinking about yourself is when you argue and you more try to get your way. Where Sally is an amazing person that that really I I really believe she's got my best interest in mind even when we disagree. That I know she truly loves me and she truly respects me. And I I I hope you sense the same thing.
Speaker 7:Absolutely and I do think, our faith in Jesus Christ helps us set a track, you know, in terms of even if we get angry or upset with each other we know how how to come back together. And and you know Jesus gives us that ability to
Speaker 6:And we also have absolutely. We also have a great example. Sally's parents have been married sixty nine years.
Speaker 7:Almost seventy.
Speaker 6:Yeah. Almost seventy years they've married.
Speaker 5:Yeah.
Speaker 6:And they've got such incredible. They're not perfect. But they've been right now they're still in their own home. And they have such love for one another. And they also have authentic faith.
Speaker 6:Mhmm. But it's they've really been a model and an example for us going forward and they've also been a good model example for two of our married children.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 6:Our son, Tim
Speaker 1:has
Speaker 6:been married for twelve, thirteen years and our son, Sam's married almost ten.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 6:So, anyway, so it's it's been great having that heritage before us.
Speaker 7:Yeah. And still my parents saying, Sally, you you're being kinda stubborn right now. So kinda still that input.
Speaker 3:Hattie and Allison also spoke to us about how they handle disagreements and the importance of accepting one's partner, faults and all.
Speaker 8:I'm I'm not the best communicator when it comes into times of conflict. I kind of tend to not to engage much. Sometimes, like, it works my benefit. Sometimes, it's my doom. So it just it just happens.
Speaker 8:But, yeah, it's it's it's it's something that you grow into. You continue growing. Just if someone figured out the best way to do it, you know, like, who's gonna be be a multibillionaire, but it's not that's not how it works.
Speaker 1:I would say we still argue about the same things, but it's it's it's handled at a different level of acceptance because it's less prioritized than at the beginning of our relationship. At the beginning of our relationship, everything was so important and so dramatic and so impactful. Now as we've matured as humans and we've transitioned and we supported each other through multiple different lifestyles, life achievements, goals, etc. I think it just becomes more accepted by both of us that, you know, this is who we are. We've accepted that these are our faults and these are our weaknesses and not everybody can change those things.
Speaker 1:We would certainly like to, you know, attempt to do this for ourselves and for our partners, but in the end, we just have to learn and we have learned that we can't be each other's sole source of happiness. We have to have things that are fulfilling for us beyond our one on one relationship, and even beyond our family. We have to have, you know, something that fulfills us. And then again, it becomes less of a priority, less of a must that we make these changes right away or, you know, disaster and doom, you know. But it's still the same disagreements, I would say, because we are still who we are.
Speaker 1:And I think that's the beauty of it. We haven't completely changed ourselves for one another. We are still who we've always been, and we grow and we make faults, we tend to stray, you know, farther into those faults at times than normal, but to a large extent, we've progressed beyond the need to change one another. Like, we don't have that need anymore.
Speaker 3:Cath also weighed in on this idea of changing one's partner.
Speaker 4:One of the things that I had learned is kind of like you're not gonna change the other person. And if you're getting into a relationship with a goal of changing the other person, that's the wrong relationship. It's about, as she just said, understanding who that person is and being okay with those differences, and then giving them room to be that person and not the person you want them to be. And so I guess I would say if you're in a relationship with your entire goal is to change the other person, it's probably not the right relationship. If you're in a in a relationship and and you can accept that person exactly how they are, knowing that you're you're both gonna change over time, then work at it and really truly be accepting and supporting of who that person is and not constantly in need of saying, you you need to do this, you didn't do that sort of thing.
Speaker 3:Here's Steve and Sally.
Speaker 6:So we're not perfect. We are learning every day. We are growing. I don't want to be an example because everybody's got different mixes and everybody's got different personalities. So I'm not going to say I'm an expert because I'm learning every day.
Speaker 7:I think the main word that everybody in a marriage needs to embrace is commitment. You just have to stay the course. There's not you don't get out just because it's bad. You know, you just keep working and again, our faith component comes in a big deal a lot when we talk to our kids and they they're all kind of in that same camp as well. So, it makes it a little easier but yeah, like, no, don't you can't just bail.
Speaker 7:You can't just jump ship when things get hard. You kind of have to take a deep breath and keep going.
Speaker 6:And I think that love and respect also. I think that's that's a huge key to keep on going. Yeah. Everybody's got hard times. Ten years ago, we were involved in a crash on Highway 96 where someone hit us head on and the the tragedy is that that person died but Sally was we were both in wheelchairs for many months.
Speaker 6:We both had extensive almost fatal acts, correct, fatal injuries and that kind of marriages you go through hard times. And that was our incredible challenge that we came out stronger. We came out better. Even though many people would say that should have destroyed everything. It really made us stronger because I think our core values were there before we started.
Speaker 6:And we drew together. Our faith drew us together.
Speaker 3:We'll give our final word to Alison and Hattie as they try to navigate this world of uncertainty and raise their four children.
Speaker 8:Well, next for us is providing the best possible opportunities for our children. So our oldest is 11, regardless, she's 11 going on to 22 with your talk when you talk to her in office or mouth, is providing the, you know, guidance to the little ones to go into the world. The world is crazy. The world's scary even for us adults. I can only imagine the world that they're gonna grow into.
Speaker 8:So it's just creating that support system, creating that, you know, ideology, you know, let them let them find their identity, let them find how to be successful, find their passion, and we're trying to show them that the life is not just living about themselves. It's about how you give your community and surroundings and try to put little bit of pieces together in the world, they know it's that's tearing itself apart, that it's every day. Nothing wrong with putting it a little bit of back together. So they help us when we do, you know, community service, when we do volunteering, you know, start conversation about where, you know, my daughter wants to go to school. She's planning on finishing high school by the age of 14.
Speaker 8:That's her plan. And she wants to be done with her college and go to Oxford and be done by 19. So this is the identity that we're talking about, that we're guiding them to do. We're trying to, you know, not stick in front of the TV, you know, make sure that we protect them from all the surrounding, all the things that we can't control. They spend a lot of times outside the home, lots of friends, and as humans, we're highly influenced by the surroundings, so we're trying to protect the surroundings of our children.
Speaker 8:We our rears off for everything, and this is our legacy that we're going to leave behind more than anything else. So we work hard, but at the same time, you know, it's like Alex has said, she gave a big career, you know, being a deputy CEO in a multi billion dollar organization that provides work all over the world because it takes you away from home. You know, I gave up an opportunity working for Amazon because I'm managing East Coast projects. I do construction. I'm gonna make a lot of money, but I won't see my kids.
Speaker 8:They're gonna go read vacations. And next thing I know, they're in college and they've missed out on their lives. So we're trying to find a balance in in living life. And at the end of the day, we're able to chill at home, hang out, be surroundings. Sometimes our kids sit on our faces, you know, sit on the shoulder, and this is where they wanna be.
Speaker 8:So we try to be there. Life is stressful, but we try not to stick it out on them either because everything we do is for them.
Speaker 3:We are grateful to our three couples for joining us today, and we hope that you had a good romantic, if that's your thing, Valentine's Day weekend. Thank you for listening to East Lansing Insider.
Speaker 2:East Lansing Insider is brought to you by ELI on Impact eighty nine FM. We are on the web at eastlancinginfo.news and impact89fm.org. Thanks for listening.