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Emma shares about complex trauma, deprivation, and dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID). Educational, supportive, and inspiring, System Speak documents the best and worst of life through insights, conversations, and collaborations. An archive curated for dignity for all.
Welcome to System Speak, a podcast about Complex Trauma and Dissociation. It's our story, our learning, and the ideas we've been working with as they've unfolded over time. Earlier episodes give context for where we are now, and current episodes may engage more advanced material, harder content, or reference earlier conversations. A few things to remember as you listen. The podcast is education, reflection, and storytelling.
Speaker 1:It's not therapy, and listening doesn't create a relationship. Although I am a therapist, I am not in that role here, and nothing that I share is individualized clinical advice. Every system, every internal world, all of your own stories are all different and you take up your own shape. What we share about ours won't translate directly to yours. It isn't meant to.
Speaker 1:We're all different, and all of our stories matter. As always, take care of yourself during and after listening, and we are so glad you're here.
Speaker 2:Hello. Can you hear me? I'm testing 235. It's loud in here. That's the best I can do.
Speaker 2:Welcome to my culture. I gotta welcome myself to my own culture, and we've been planning this for days and weeks and months. I think I think since I think since we moved here, we wanted to come back here for lots of reasons. Mostly, I wanna ride the train And also I also apologize because I've worn myself out. I I hear the train all the time, and I told him and I told him over and over again, she's hiding in our room.
Speaker 2:We might as well get to know her, and I wanna do it, but we're so scared. But last year, we learned how to walk the bagel shop, and we learned how to walk the library, and we learned all the parks and the forest. And then last year, we drive to the therapist in person, and that was terrifying because the car I'm driving and all the other cars driving, and I just think, oh, this is bad. Yeah. Plus, we had to find parking, and we had to pay for parking.
Speaker 2:Then we have to find a car again, and all that takes so much time, like two hours there, two hours back, try to try to get to the city, another hour or two there, back, all the things. I just car, car, car, drive, drive by. Nothing even nothing even fun happening just sitting there on my butt. I would do that at home. But if you're on a train, there are adventures.
Speaker 2:There are new things to see outside. You don't have to be responsible driving. A few littles and mills can be sneaking out peeking. You can get hot dog. You can get popcorn.
Speaker 2:You can get snow going. You can also get, like, things to do. And a train is an adventure, and you never did it. And now I see at the transition, it's so beautiful. Like, a museum.
Speaker 2:I don't know why. Are all of them? Little men aren't so wow. I don't know why all of them are so fancy. When Nathan Tigers at New York, it was so fancy at Union Station.
Speaker 2:And now I don't even know what is this called, the Marble Hall of Fame. And I see that these windows that kind look like shitty windows. And I see the windows are circles like ship windows, And I'm thinking, oh, yeah. I see what you did there. You mean the you mean the train station like the Titanic?
Speaker 2:And this train gonna sink because it's just on the rocks. I watch it. There's nothing out there. Just on a pile of rocks, we go shooting across like a star in the sky at night, like a star in a nice sky. I came.
Speaker 2:I'm so wore out. I'm so wore out. I document our journey. Me and her, we try. I I really want to, but she's still scared because so many bad things happen.
Speaker 2:I said, I will never be on podcast again because it's not safe out there. And then I said, oh, man. Oh, man. That was a good venture. I'm gonna be on podcast again, share my adventures.
Speaker 2:We got by 04:00. We got by 04:00, get those kids at school, breakfast, and then I drive to a train station. I could walk to a train station in my house, but when I get home, I wanna walk up the little mountain. I I'm done with walking for a day, and I think about it ahead of time. So I drive my car down the hill very careful and park it.
Speaker 2:They said I can park it for, say, two hours for free unregistered, but I just need park it one day because today's day is daycation. And I go on the train, and I met people, and I talked to people. I not talked to other people. I played some games. I we read some books.
Speaker 2:We take turns to look out the window and take pictures. And, also, we do painting. We brought our travel painting. We did some painting of it. That was, like, our dream come true.
Speaker 2:Be on the train, painting on the way to therapy, and it just opened up all the floodgates. And then we swam and we swam right over that damn. Everybody everywhere. It takes two or three hours. I don't know.
Speaker 2:Getting there is pretty good deal. And I was riding in style, and I was cozy. And I was afraid they will not have food in the city, and I don't know. So I got they only they were out of everything I wanted. So they only have a pizza where they decimated the cheese right on some kind of carb ish thing.
Speaker 2:I abide with it. So I'd say, that was nice. Thank you, sir. And I threw away because that was not very nice. And also a hot dog, which I put in my backpack for emergency.
Speaker 2:But then today, tonight, before we come back to the train station, she said, there's no hot dog emergency, and she threw my hot dog in the trash. I do not have words to say about that. So we'll have to come back to therapy again because I gotta talk about it. Throw my hot dog in the trash. I don't care if your body don't need no hot dog in my body.
Speaker 2:My body is pretty good with hot dogs. And Then, also, we finally get here, and I'm so proud to find the right place. I knew what was the next stop because I love that area of place, and I go on walks and do things there. I know I know that place. But the next ones, I have no idea where we are.
Speaker 2:And and then I saw one sign. I won't tell you what it said, but I thought, okay. At least we're heading in the right direction. I'm not trying to go to Alaska today, not without telling nobody. Now a friend say, hey.
Speaker 2:Does everybody know where you're going on that train? I say, yeah. This this is a plan issue. It's not a safety issue. It's a goal issue.
Speaker 2:And then the train goes some more, and then finally, I see the war boats and the ships of the military. And I thought, now I know where we are because I have fish and chips over there, and I like them fish and chips. Then I wait and I wait and we listen. We listen to all of lameness, the whole thing, and then some again. Now we I I say, you've gotta let the paints dry because we have to put them back in the backpack.
Speaker 2:We can't just throw wet paint in the backpack. That's a bad idea. So then I get turned playing playing kinks. I don't know. I know why identification tags because this was daycation.
Speaker 2:And and and it's finally my turn to play a game. And I played the aerial game, and they say, oh, this one's hard. And I say, oh, I bet you it's not hard. I really like the arrow game. You should try the arrow game.
Speaker 2:It's pretty fun. I mean, you might like it yourself. You can just suffer your own self, but I think it's fun, and I like it. I just found out the dentist. So I got to play it today.
Speaker 2:I don't get to play very much a bit. Today, I did. Yep. I did. Surprise.
Speaker 2:And then all of a sudden, the ocean was still there, but also everything got big. And then the buildings also got big. And then when we hit in a tunnel and that's at will, we'd either arrive or we're gonna die, and here we are. And then I couldn't get off because everybody else is getting on too, and I'm trying to get off. I swim upstream like our native salmon.
Speaker 2:And then after that, do you know what happened? I will tell you since you asked me. I get off the train, and I walk this cold platform. And I walk all the way in, and finally, I see the sign. I'm in the right place, and I've never been so proud of myself.
Speaker 2:And I will get my mom very careful, and I see where my therapist is. And I remember I'll get there. We talk about it in therapy, and I'd been there one more time before until I know how to do it. And I look at the map careful, and I follow all my directions. And then just like that just like that, I'm in the right place at the right time.
Speaker 2:Nobody even know that's possible. And then I have so much early time. I think we'll might as well find some food in case we want food later. And she said, we already have food. And I said, you're not gonna eat no hot dog anyway, so we need to find some food.
Speaker 2:And sure enough, we found some Middle East food, which we pretty much like. And we got falafel, and we got gyro, and we got some salad and some more water. And I thought, well, I'm not gonna die today. Then we got a message and said after school, the plumber's coming to clean out the bathtub that the kids stop it up. And I said, well, I'm not gonna be there.
Speaker 2:Them other adults can take a turn. That's good enough for me. And then it's time for therapy. And I was very excited, and I have plans on talking to her. Then I have to wait for the door open, and then something happened, and I miss my chance.
Speaker 2:Just like that. It's like a fancy hotel where you go in a whole circle. You go in the door and you go out the door, and you just plumb miss the middle of it. I didn't even get take a picture of the stairs for a workbook group. And then after that, my therapist said I could go get ice cream.
Speaker 2:And I said, well, that's good enough authority for me. And so I did. I went down, and I got some ice cream. So I just go down to water. I don't know what is it called.
Speaker 2:A wharf? Is it called a pier? Is it called a boardwalk? I don't even know. It's the land of the sea.
Speaker 2:That's that's our tribe. It's a Salish Coast Salish land of the sea. I think it makes sense. I'll call it that. And my therapist said if I head north, and I know how fun this north because the sea is the west.
Speaker 2:Duh. That one's not even hard. Even for me, it's not hard. I'm pretty good at a map. She said if we go north, guess what?
Speaker 2:We can find the aquarium. And I said, oh, goals. That's a good goal. And I was walking and walking and walking, and guess what we found? We found metal wood swings so big for adult bodies, which mine was fit in the swing, and we did stay there for almost two hours.
Speaker 2:We had things to talk about inside. I got to watch the ferry. I got to watch people watching. I got to tell somebody I really like their shoes. And, also, I got to see the trash guys go by on a little cart truck, and there was a lot of seeing and looking.
Speaker 2:I told her, you you can let me stay here a while. You can look at the menu. She said there is no menu happening. Then I was ready to walk some more, and I thought, man. And then she was ready to walk somewhere, but I wanted to stay swinging because some little ones wanna stay swinging, but she wanted to walk.
Speaker 2:So she got up a walk and then said, you didn't ask because that's not fair. And that's when she threw away my hotdog. And then we walk and walk because I I do like adventure. I was talking about my hot dogs. Might as well walk you off.
Speaker 2:So we walk and walk, and there was a boat, and they said, leave it in five minutes. And I said, well, I got five minutes. So I gave them some money and got right on that boat. I really like boat rides, and ferry scared me because I don't know where the people go and where the boats go. We don't got that figured out yet.
Speaker 2:That's a different goal. But right now, I just I don't know how to get back off the ferry. So a boat, it'll be five minutes, be back an hour. I'm gonna handle me some of that. That's all I need.
Speaker 2:So I learned about the land, and I learned about the sea. And I learned about Amazon, Gadabra, and I learned about Starbucks. I learned about shipping out corn and soybeans and grains. And I learned we had the most fairies in the whole world of The United States, I mean. And I learned about I learned about some things, but I also heard Taylor Swift instead of listening to the learning part.
Speaker 2:And then I thought, no. We should start laying music in because it stops really shit. Look down. Look down. Look Look down.
Speaker 2:Look down. I've changed songs there, but we listen to Les Mis almost all day long. And then after that, I thought Sydney was pretty nice. I might be done walking. But they try to lose us in a shop.
Speaker 2:They did not let us exit the street. Emmett's exit through the shops. And I said, you guys are sly tricksters. I said, you guys are sly tricksters, but I had enough of tricksters in my lifetime this year. No more.
Speaker 2:That's how I got a whole day off work and a whole day for myself and a whole yes day with just us. Yes to everything, but you're a hot dog. I heard that. But this year, so hard, and last year, so much better. And the last years, over them so hard, and guess what?
Speaker 2:I was on the boat, and the boat turned around to come back and then point right at the Seattle needle thing. And I thought, why you wanna put restaurant shaped like a Frisbee anyway? And even if you got a restaurant shaped like a Frisbee, why are you gonna put it on top of a toothpick? How'd that thing not just blow over Oklahoma? It would just blow right over.
Speaker 2:But there is a space needle or something. I don't even know if that's the right word to be, but I saw it. And we saw the Ferris wheel. Not in your life am I getting on the Ferris wheel or the space needle. No way.
Speaker 2:But guess what? Not a bad deal for for trying to, you know, learn how to see out why you don't like to see out if you move here. And then I see this needle, and I see the Ferris wheel, which I had never gone. But then I remember seeing that from the hotel at the annual conference some years ago. And so I got Daycation.
Speaker 2:I've taken care of myself so good so many times. I wanna just be be into the ground like a plow. Then probably not just a seed. And plow can dig pretty, and seed can grow pretty good. So then I look at that, and I think I reclaim the sea through dangers untold and hardships on the number.
Speaker 2:Come to this goblin city to take back this city. Because we built this city. We built this city on rock and roll. And then I felt like we came full circle because we did go full circle right there on that boat. I didn't even plan that.
Speaker 2:They sure worked out pretty good. I feel better. Do you feel better? Just leave that tragedy in the water after cry a ocean of tears. And nowhere else I'm in.
Speaker 2:I got after I got off the boat and got out of the escape room of the tourist chat, I got to the aquarium. It's $55 to get in that place, and I said, no way. I could ride another train for that. And then after so many weeks and so many feelings and so many years and so many hours, I just sat myself down right on the sidewalk and said, I'm done. I'm worn out.
Speaker 2:I'm tired of it being hard. I had an amazing day, and I wanna go back on the tree and go home. And I just sat down, and we sat there for a long time. And I listened to some more music. She had some crying to do.
Speaker 2:Then just like that, a man rolled a five on his bicycle with a basket or a rider, and I said, well, thank you, sir. I don't mind if I do. And he just drive me back to the train station. I didn't even have to walk anymore. And now I'm here just resting away, waiting my turn.
Speaker 2:Three turns, and it's my turn. But I cannot fall asleep or I go again on accident. And I know Canada and told me no way. No way do we want you and all of them children And try again when we all have so many children. They're almost all grown up.
Speaker 2:We didn't even get to tell you about it yet. There's so many things to tell you and so many things I'm not even discussing. Know why? Because I dumped all that stuff in the ocean so I don't have to keep it at my house. I don't have to keep it anywhere.
Speaker 2:We cried out. We let it go, and the waste take away. And that feels pretty good to me. That's what I'm thinking. You know, last time I threw something at the ocean was when my parents died.
Speaker 2:So happy Mother's Day to you. Happy Father's Day to you. Get that one away. I mean, throw away all those bad ideas, mean words, people not keep their promises. And the more I can celebrate, the ways wash back up to me, my therapist said, we keep all the good out of all the good people we found on the way because they were keeping it.
Speaker 2:I'm like, god. We've got so many friends of it now. Do you know that? It's a lot better. And you know what they said in therapy?
Speaker 2:They said for the first time in our whole life, there were more good things happen than hard things happen. And I think I agree with that. So I voted yes. Even if they did take my hot dog.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and healing brings hope.