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Welcome to The Surrogacy Scoop: Your Guide to Surrogacy and Egg Donation, a podcast brought to you by Patriot Conceptions, a veteran-founded surrogacy agency committed to helping military families and intended parents have children through compassionate surrogacy support, where we demystify the world of surrogacy from the clinical, family and surrogate perspective.
So it is a super exciting process to see how many people are actually out there willing to help other families in need. Like there's not a shortage of hidden surrogates. You just have to dig for them.
Speaker 2:Hi, everyone. Welcome back to The Surrogacy Scoop, a podcast by Patriot Conceptions where we have honest, hopeful conversations about surrogacy and building families. I'm your host, Christine, and today I'm joined by Destiny Smith, a Patriot Conceptions ambassador. Destiny, thank you for joining us today, and welcome to the podcast.
Speaker 1:Thank you.
Speaker 2:Before we talk about Surrogacy and your role as an ambassador, could you tell us a little bit about yourself and your background?
Speaker 1:I'm a stay at home mom. I had, I guess, a pretty normal background. I had some rough pasts, but I don't think everyone has. I like to extreme keep on, and I homeschool my boys.
Speaker 2:So how did you first get introduced to Surrogacy?
Speaker 1:I actually have always wanted to be a surrogate, which when I was younger, everyone thought that was kind of weird because I hadn't even had my own, but I've always had a heart for Surrogacy, and then I had my first son at 18, and, unfortunately, at 19, my son passed away in my arms. And that was the most horrific feeling I could ever I couldn't even explain that loss. And that's what really solidified my surrogacy heart. He as soon as he passed away, no one really no one really cared. Like, they cared, but no one was there.
Speaker 1:The lawyers didn't help. My son did donate his heart valves to save the life down the hallway, and his his he never got justice. So after my second son was born and I held him for the first time, I realized I didn't want another mommy or a soon to be parent to ever feel that way. Because the feeling of a loss now it doesn't cover the loss, obviously, but it does heal a spot that you didn't know was hurting when you get to hold your child. So after my third one, I had already decided after my second one, I was gonna be a surrogate and I wanted to help families, but I did wanna have one more of my own.
Speaker 1:So after my third one, I had my tubes removed and immediately jumped into surrogacy after he was six months old. Oh my god, thank
Speaker 2:you for sharing. That's a, oh my god, thank you for sharing. You mentioned wanting to be a surrogate since you were little. How did you know about, surrogacy? Honestly,
Speaker 1:it was it was kinda funny. My mom wanted to donate her eggs, and she never did. And she sent me on a it was a Christian youth group, like, travel group, and I felt like I had a calling to be something more, And I never knew what it was, and then my mom was talking to me about egg donation and surrogates and how she would have been a surrogate for her best friend. I started looking into it and it clicked, like that's what I felt like I was being called to do, that was my bigger purpose. Even though not everybody would know about it, that family would, and that's when I just, I locked in and I was 10 years old, and I looked at my mom and was like, I want to be a surrogate.
Speaker 1:She just looked at me and was like, no you don't, and I was like, I do, here I am 27 and I'm a surrogate.
Speaker 2:I think that's, yeah, that's so interesting that you learn about it so young because I feel like a lot of people don't know about the world of surrogacy and it's like relatively new for a lot of people so that's so cool. Are you, you're a first time surrogate, is that right? Soon to be. And so how was the whole application and screening process for you?
Speaker 1:The application was super easy. I got it done. I was actually sitting on my couch and seeing it on Facebook for Patriots, and I did some research before it did anything, and I did, I finished my screening, like my application in like thirty minutes. The screening, like the medical screening was actually way easier than I thought it was gonna be, and pretty fun. It was nice being able to just fly out, because I'm in North Carolina and my clinic is in California, so I got to travel literally to the other side of the country and it was nice, I got to walk around and see some stuff and go to my appointment and it was, it was nice.
Speaker 1:It was like a little pre vacate.
Speaker 2:So I assume you already matched with a set of intended parents, is that right? Yes. Yeah, so how did you what was your do you remember your first conversation with your intended parents?
Speaker 1:Yes, they it was different, I mean, they they are in China, so it was different different talking talking with with them. Them. I, I really did enjoy everything about them though, super sweet. They had 21 embryos and out of the 21, there was 11. One of them is now their sweet baby.
Speaker 1:Aw. And 10 more are for the rest. They, they want a really, really big family.
Speaker 2:And so knowing that, I mean, I know you've been wanting to be a surrogate for a long time, but how did your family and support system, maybe your friends, respond when you shared your decision?
Speaker 1:My husband was all in. He was like, cool, he was, he kind of made a joke, he said to shake my moneymaker. But my husband was all in, he was my best support. My best friend was a little bit weary, but she was supportive about it. My mom gave me the look that she gave me when I was 10.
Speaker 1:And it took her a little while to adjust, but once she's seeing everything actually happening and moving forward, she jumped right on board. My family all in all is very supportive of this. They are sad that they don't get to keep the baby. I'm glad I get to give the baby to a family.
Speaker 2:I'm happy that they're so supportive. That's amazing. So I want to touch on, I know your first experience initially was a little bit more difficult. Do you mind sharing a little bit about that? Yeah, I
Speaker 1:jumped jumped in and I grabbed the first IP that liked me, she was a sweetheart, wish I could still talk to her and check-in on her, but she had one embryo, It wasn't, it wasn't very high grade, but we gave it a shot anyway. I continued being pregnant, my We had a missed miscarriage. My body continued being pregnant and the baby did not continue to grow. So unfortunately we did lose that baby and that, that was hard. It was mainly hard to tell another parent that especially with having lost Tyler, and that was my whole mission.
Speaker 1:So it was really hard to say, you know, I had your baby. Yeah. But I don't anymore. Mhmm. And so that was that was pretty hard, and I really hope she's doing well.
Speaker 1:Unfortunately, she didn't have anything else, so I had to move to the next parents. Mhmm. But I still wouldn't change it for the world. Immediately jumped right back in within a few, as soon as they released me, within two weeks, I had a new parent.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think there's a lot of these stories that maybe people might not know a lot about and maybe people who have gone through similar difficulties with surrogacy. So would you have any advice or any words, like how would you take care of yourself during the process of Surrogacy?
Speaker 1:My whole process is I constantly remind myself this is a mission. And this sounds harsh,
Speaker 2:attachment.
Speaker 1:So if you start looking at it as patriotic deceptions, we'll call it milestones, if you reach this milestone, you get this bonus. If you start looking at it as a job and a lot because now I'm not, oh, I can't wait to be six weeks pregnant, it was, I'm ready to be this far along so that we can hit this bonus. That way it kinda helped break that that I'm pregnant cycle. Mhmm. So honestly, when the miscarriage happened, I wasn't as devastated as I thought I would be.
Speaker 1:I was very sad because that is heartbreaking. Right. But I wasn't as devastated as I was afraid that I would be. It was harder to say that to the parent than it was to actually have the miscarriage.
Speaker 2:I can totally understand that, especially having to tell the parents, can I only imagine that being a more a difficult conversation? Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I guess I guess my my only advice would be, one, it's god's timing when that baby comes, and two, always prepare yourself because you are, you are on emotional, like an emotional roller coaster, you're on hormones, you're pregnant, you're, you know, trying to get, you know, your family situated and it's, it's a lot. So you need to really focus on your mental health and
Speaker 2:how you prepare yourself and prepare yourself through it. For those who are maybe looking into surrogacy or not sure if it's the right fit for them, what would you say are qualities or what would you say is important to, for qualities for, like, a potential surrogate?
Speaker 1:Strong, like mine mine will. A general love for your family and others, and just a willingness to try, because it, it never hurts. The first step is you have to apply. You have to see if you even qualify, because if you're standing at the door and you don't qualify, you hyped yourself up for nothing. Right.
Speaker 1:But see if you qualify, and if you qualify, then go through the steps, just see, you know, fill out the situation, talk to the parents, you know, get to meet the parents, know the parents. It really is a lot different than what people come to the line thinking it would be. It's I know I went in. I'm like, seventeen years, I had been excited, ready for this, wanting to do this. And when I got there, it was nothing that I thought it was.
Speaker 1:It was completely different. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:What would you say is the most different aspect from what you initially, like, imagined from being a surrogate?
Speaker 1:At first, I had thought that it was gonna be my egg and, like, my baby out there and it's not, so it this is gestational, so that was new to find out that this baby had no relation to me. I also thought, you know, that this was gonna be super close, like me and the parents are gonna like know each other, we're gonna talk, we're gonna hang out, that's not the case. So I definitely didn't realize that we could even do international, so when I found that out, I was so excited and jumped on board, So it was, it was a lot different, and then I thought it was just a simple, let's get you pregnant, let's get you out of here, but with Patriot conceptions, they really focus on your well-being, your mental health, and everything in a whole, not just let's get this baby. So I really love that as well.
Speaker 2:I completely agree. And I wanted to dive a little bit about into your role as an ambassador at Patriot. How did you first learn about Patriot and what led you to this role?
Speaker 1:I found out about Patriot through Facebook when I was sitting on the couch, and then I did some studying, and then my last coordinator had messaged me and, or yeah, coordinator, she had messaged me and said, Hey, I know that you've really wanted to work for the company, but we have an ambassador program, would you like to jump in? And it's in its trial phase, and I was on board, I was like, Yes, put me in, what do I have to do, let's do this. I got on there, I did all of my, seven day sprint, I worked hard, I, I was so excited, and then I asked my new coordinator to message Bye. And next thing I knew, Bye had called me and we did a Zoom call, and I told him, which still holds true, that I wanted to actually work for the company. Unfortunately, there's not a spot for me yet.
Speaker 1:Mhmm. But he did put me into the meetings in the chat group with the company so that I could be I could be a better ambassador and get the work that I needed and the help that I needed to get the word out. So I'm slowly but surely trying to work myself. I'm trying to weasel my way into working for the company.
Speaker 2:Thank you for sharing that. So could you tell us a little bit about what does it look like for you as an ambassador? What does this role look like?
Speaker 1:It's really just showing, showing up and showing out, basically. Mhmm. You post, you share, and then when people contact you, I've had a lot of people contact me with 101 questions.
Speaker 2:You were talking about how a lot of, potential surrogates are afraid to take the first step.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah. It it's I mean, it is truly heartbreaking. I do try to reach back out after a few weeks or maybe a few months and, hey, have you thought about it? You know, is there any more questions you have? I have had several girls sign up.
Speaker 1:Some of them were qualified, some of them weren't, some of them are going through screening. So it is a super exciting process to see how many people are actually out there willing to help other families in need. Like there's not a shortage of hidden surrogates, you just have to dig for them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I assume you get a lot of surrogate requests and intake. Why do you think it is that a lot of people are nervous to take the first step or and what advice would you give to those who are hesitant?
Speaker 1:A lot of a lot of lot of result responses that I get are, I don't know what my husband would think of me, which that's valid, you need to speak to your your spouse. And a lot of other people are like, I don't know what other people would think about about me, my answer to that is who cares? Right. Who cares what they think about you, you're a hero, and that's all that matters. Another thing is, don't know how I would feel about selling a baby, at that I'm like, okay, well let's back up, you're not selling a baby, this is someone else's child, this is someone else's embryo, someone else's sperm, like this has nothing to do with you.
Speaker 1:Yes, you do get paid, but that is simply for all the work you put in, like you are, you are putting wear and tear on your body, you are, you know, pregnant for however long, and like it's a lot, and that's why you get paid, you're not selling a child. So I think there's a lot of confusion and rumors and people are just like scared to take that step due to it, which is where, you know, the ambassadors come in and start, you know, spreading the truth.
Speaker 2:There seems to be a lot of misconceptions about it, Surrogacy, that a lot of people aren't sure what is, like what's true and what's not. So how do you go about that
Speaker 1:when- Usually I'm like, okay, I understand however, let me share a little light on this subject, I understand where you're getting that thought from, but here's the truth. And usually they're like, oh yeah, well, you know, you're an ambassador, that's what you're supposed to say. And I'm like, Yeah, well, I'm also a surrogate. And that's usually when the tables turn and they're like, Oh my gosh, so what's this step? What's that step?
Speaker 1:What happens with this? And then you're really able to dig to it because now you have a personal experience with the questions that they are asking.
Speaker 2:I see, I see. Well, thank you for joining me today and it's been wonderful to hear about your journey of becoming a surrogate and best of luck on your first journey.
Speaker 1:Thank you!
Speaker 2:And for anyone who may be interested to see whether Surrogacy may be a fit for them, make sure to visit patrioconceptions.com. And yeah, thank you everyone for listening to The Surrogacy Scoop, and we'll see you guys in the next episode. Bye.