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Let’s break the rules here. The first 5 of these Podcasts get right into practical help. Only after that I get around the long boring, but important stuff on what Anxiety is and does to your body. If you are suffering from anxiety-YOU DAMN WELL KNOW WHAT IT IS!
Let’s fix it!
I created this series as a reaction to all the pop-psychology and pseudo-science advice on the Internet. Patients mentioning these posts make me tired and grouchy.
I am a noted and accomplished clinical psychologist, a scientist and a clinician. These podcasts cut through those weeds of bad advice and give you very usable, practical approaches to calm your ANXIETY. If you want to quickly calm your stress and anxiety, listen in.
The techniques and approaches here are solidly based on the best practices and research in mental health and on the analysis of 6200 successful cases of coping with anxiety. Each episode gives doable techniques to help you NOW! These easy-to-listen podcasts are reassuringly life changing!
00;00;01;03 - 00;00;07;07
Dr. John Mayer
Welcome to another episode of anxieties, bitch. It's been a while.
00;00;07;22 - 00;00;32;26
Dr. John Mayer
Anger, angry interactions, angry situations, and angry internal feeling States are a leading cause of anxiety. So I'm going to devote this episode to anger. And note before we begin, this podcast is with two major groups of people. First, for the angry person themselves, the individuals that need to become less angry.
00;00;32;29 - 00;01;01;23
Dr. John Mayer
And that is they may have been forced to change. For example, your partner or parents gave you an ultimatum that if you don't change, you're out of here, or there's been a legal action that says you have to change or you go to jail, or you just realize for yourself you want to be less angry. So people in any of these circumstances, I want to emphasize that you must want to change for these techniques to work.
00;01;01;25 - 00;01;31;05
Dr. John Mayer
But this podcast is also for those who want to change an angry person that is in their lives, one that takes their anger out on them. And it's no matter what the age or this person makes your life just miserable. There are a lot of tools here, and I'll show you how you can change that person. We can shape people to act toward us the way we want and need them to act.
00;01;31;07 - 00;01;59;20
Dr. John Mayer
It's my guiding principle. For those of you who've listened to this podcast series, you know that I like to first start with understanding what are we dealing with here? Understanding is the first step towards change. So anger, what we're really talking about is how you express your anger. Cope with anger, cope with angry feelings and handle angry people.
00;01;59;22 - 00;02;38;18
Dr. John Mayer
Everyone gets angry at some point in life. Good old everyday living will give you plenty of opportunities to get angry. So anger is not going away for us humans. I was going to say for us homies to sound cool, but that just came out kind of stupid. Anger is an internal feeling state and an external communication both place in the individual and negative high stress conditions that have serious consequences for one's physical and mental health, as well as the physical and mental health of those around you.
00;02;38;20 - 00;03;05;15
Dr. John Mayer
My goal here is to calm your experience of anger so it doesn't become out of control and hurt you or others. And remember, just like anxiety, we don't cure anger. We commit and learn how to control it. The first step in learning how to control your anger is this understanding I'm talking about. I said it is both internal and external.
00;03;05;17 - 00;03;36;07
Dr. John Mayer
Let's understand the internal state of anger first. But anger is a primitive state of inside of us. It can be turned on automatically in times of fear. You probably have heard of the fight or flight response to a threatening situation. This fight or flight response actually starts with biological changes in your brain. The fight part of this automatic biological survival mechanism in all of us is fueled by anger.
00;03;36;10 - 00;04;02;00
Dr. John Mayer
When anger is a more permanent part of our personality, like when we say that that person is an angry person. We're describing a person that walks around with a constant state of fear inside and yet those people who give off the vibe of anger are really frightened scaredy cats that protect themselves from hurt by constantly being on guard.
00;04;02;02 - 00;04;32;25
Dr. John Mayer
Interesting. These people have very low confidence in themselves. The highly confident person knows that they can handle anything life throws their way. The angry person fears the world because deep down, they feel that they can't handle the stresses of the world. They fear what will happen to them next. This fear is often all these angry people know. They may have been raised in an angry household, so fear is modeled all around them.
00;04;32;27 - 00;05;08;01
Dr. John Mayer
This is common. They may have been abused, had many traumas in their life, and most importantly, it is worked for them to get what they want. We change that in the angry person by not making it work for them, by shaping how they relate to us. I must quickly point out here that anger also has direct effects on your body heightened cortisol levels, high blood pressure, rapid heart rate, gastrointestinal symptoms, and changes in brain chemistry.
00;05;08;03 - 00;05;44;24
Dr. John Mayer
I'm not going to dwell on these here, but you need to know that your body pays huge price for being in a state of anger. Better physical health is a bonus for dealing with your anger. Now let me explain the external aspects of anger. Anger is a communication technique. When we are expressing anger, most often is to get what we want or make an change in someone to win an argument or prove a point, to control someone, or to hurt someone as a reaction for what they did to you.
00;05;44;26 - 00;06;17;21
Dr. John Mayer
But it is a terrible form of communication for three fundamental reasons. One is completely ineffective because when you express anger towards someone, typically by yelling, people automatically tune you out to not hearing the message you want them to hear. All they're hearing are your emotions. Think about it. Picture what happens when your parent, your boss, a teacher, or a coach starts screaming and demanding something from you.
00;06;17;24 - 00;06;44;23
Dr. John Mayer
Can you picture that? The first thing people do is the equivalent of putting their fingers in their ears, cover their heads, hide away. We immediately get defensive. Second, anger is not powerful. It just simply does not work to change the other person. There are so many great examples of this. Let me mention a couple to drive home my point.
00;06;44;25 - 00;07;12;11
Dr. John Mayer
Road rage. Someone cuts you off on the highway. You explode in your car. Scream bang on the steering wheel, then speed up to get next to them. And you slip that middle finger. What do you think their reaction is? Right. He or she could care less. They might even be amused. You made no change in that person. Another example is parenting.
00;07;12;14 - 00;07;42;10
Dr. John Mayer
Mom is in the kitchen and she screams at the top of her lungs at the teen in the living room to stop playing video games and to do homework. How many times you think that team was just bounce up to her attention, salute and immediately open up their books? I will guarantee you it's probably zero, but parents always tell me it's the only way I get them to listen.
00;07;42;12 - 00;08;10;14
Dr. John Mayer
Well, I call B.S. here again. It is usually after screaming half a dozen times and then marching into the living room and getting right in the teen's face that the teen actually thinks about what you want them to do, let alone do it. It wasn't your anger that got them to move. It was your firm controlled communication. This is what she should have done from the beginning.
00;08;10;16 - 00;08;41;16
Dr. John Mayer
And what about the mean boss that barks and threatens employees with their demands? You don't want to follow what they asked for, nor did you really hear what they need. It just makes you dislike that person and not want to do anything else for them, let alone have a beer with them. After work. All these examples bring us to the third fact of why anger is a terrible form of communication, and that is because it is our most primitive method of communicating.
00;08;41;18 - 00;09;07;03
Dr. John Mayer
Primitive. You may be asking yourself. Well, think about it. Picture a baby or a toddler. How do they communicate when they need something? Crying or, you know, crying, right? And the crying is not out of sadness is why most adults cry. And what we think about crying. But it's crying or screaming and yelling to communicate a want or need.
00;09;07;05 - 00;09;44;18
Dr. John Mayer
Change my diaper. Feed me. Give me that toy back. As we grow, we hopefully learn more mature adult forms of expressing ourselves because the crying becomes less effective. And being specific and pointing things out with language and words is effective. It is the people around us, our parents, siblings, relatives who shape how we communicate. But let's face it, not everyone in every home and not every parent are good at that.
00;09;44;21 - 00;10;17;18
Dr. John Mayer
Households that yell to communicate are still way too abundant in our world. So if you raised and surrounded by these primitive modes of expression, the likelihood of you adopting the same personality is extremely high. I teach people and families. No more yelling. And yeah, it's possible. And here's how it's done with children as they grow and develop their communication skills, their language.
00;10;17;21 - 00;10;45;04
Dr. John Mayer
Start in the early age not to reward them for crying, yelling, screaming for their needs and wants. Yes, you can and should do this. Tantrums are the best example a child tantrums. And I teach that the effective equation here is to firmly not give in to whatever they want. If they don't stop. They should get consequences for their angry behavior toward you.
00;10;45;06 - 00;11;12;29
Dr. John Mayer
The best consequence, of course, is that they don't get what they want, but if they keep up their tantrum, kind of like that word behavior, make sure you give them a consequence for that attitude. And you must be consistent and patient with this. They will attempt to wear you down, sort of like their job, not because they're little devils, but because they're kids and they're just learning how to navigate the needs.
00;11;13;01 - 00;11;42;12
Dr. John Mayer
In many households, they win this battle, and it is a battle because parents are exhausted and they give in. It's understandable, but not successful. And I also guarantee you, if you don't stop this early, as teens, they will rule the household. Remember, we can shape other people's behavior to how we want them to behave toward us. This is basic psychology 101.
00;11;42;14 - 00;12;12;18
Dr. John Mayer
Okay, I could go on and on here about human development, but this is a podcast on anger and ultimately anxiety. So let me emphasize that this same formula that I explained and how children hopefully learn to control their negative emotions and communications. This works extremely well with adults. Yeah. Your partner, your relatives, your bosses, your parents, any of your adult relationships.
00;12;12;20 - 00;12;40;14
Dr. John Mayer
This fundamental way we shape children works in any human. You don't tolerate the angry yelling behavior and only listen and reward them when they communicate like a mature person. It's pretty simple and an effective equation, and it works all right. This is how we change anger in others. Now let me focus on how we change anger in ourselves.
00;12;40;16 - 00;13;08;25
Dr. John Mayer
First, as I said from beginning, you have to want to change. You must see the value in living in a different way. And it's okay if this motivation to change comes from some other source like your partner, someone you are dating, the court, or a legal requirement, or any of these. The first step to change is that you must agree that the concept of anger is what I've been pointing out here.
00;13;08;28 - 00;13;36;28
Dr. John Mayer
So let's review that. Anger is an internal state inside of us, and it's an external expression of us to the world internally. It is an emotion state and a negative one at that. Anger is expressed externally as well. It is, at its core a form of communication. And for the three basic reasons I stated, it is a terrible form of communication.
00;13;37;00 - 00;14;07;08
Dr. John Mayer
It doesn't get you what you want, and it's because of the facts I pointed out earlier. Now I'm going to share my ten proven techniques for changing from an angry person to one that walks through the world in a powerful and peaceful state. And listen carefully to that word. Powerful. Because to me, the opposite of being an angry person is being a powerful one.
00;14;07;10 - 00;14;35;27
Dr. John Mayer
So here and note what I said earlier about shaping another person to not make you the victim of their anger. You can teach these same techniques to control anger to the person you want to change in. And of course, you can encourage them to listen to this podcast as well. But here we go. Number one, accept and own the understanding of where anger comes from in you.
00;14;36;00 - 00;15;13;11
Dr. John Mayer
It's primitive. It's both internal and external. It's a form of horrible communication. It just doesn't work. It's not powerful. And so what I've been saying here, number two, recognize the triggers. Or as I often call them, red flags. When to identify your red flags. For example. Feeling disrespected. Traffic criticism, being overwhelmed with too much to do, drinking. Be aware of your the physical signs of anger that are building inside of you.
00;15;13;13 - 00;15;16;06
Dr. John Mayer
Increased heart rate, muscle tension,
00;15;16;06 - 00;15;44;25
Dr. John Mayer
clenched fists and others. You know them. If not, look in the mirror. These red flags give us time to use some of the other tools and to de-escalate. Number three, change your perspective. Some people call this cognitive restructuring or changing thought patterns. I call it change your perspective. Challenge irrational or exaggerated thoughts.
00;15;44;28 - 00;16;19;29
Dr. John Mayer
They always do this to me. It always happens. It's never fear. I never win anything. Again, I call BS. Think about why you are letting this situation or this person have one millisecond of making you feel bad or changing what you are doing. One millisecond. Why should they have one millisecond of your emotion? Use perspective shifting questions which really matter in a week.
00;16;20;02 - 00;16;52;09
Dr. John Mayer
Am I really overreacting? Maybe the right in change. Wherever you are. I like going outside no matter what the weather is. And when you do, do some deep breathing and focus on something pleasant or peaceful, like the sky or a beautiful tree, but actually just going outside can de-escalate your anger. Try it. Which leads me to number four timeouts or walk away.
00;16;52;12 - 00;17;26;18
Dr. John Mayer
Nothing wrong with taking a timeout in a heated moment. As long as you promise you will get back to the discussion. So if it's an argument, pause before you react. This is the old count to ten technique in general. Slow down when you're in arguments or an angry situation. Have it in your back pocket. An exit statement for doing this, such as you need to step away so I can respond better.
00;17;26;21 - 00;17;53;01
Dr. John Mayer
Or I like this one the best. I. I can't deal with this right now. Can we take this up later? But make sure you do give it some time later. Otherwise, it's not fair to the other person. Know these phrases don't continue the attack on the other person, but instead focus on the need you have. It's very important.
00;17;53;04 - 00;18;00;10
Dr. John Mayer
And now this leads me to number five. Express your needs and boundaries. Express your needs
00;18;00;10 - 00;18;23;20
Dr. John Mayer
boundaries clearly and respectfully to others. When people hold them in, it festers. Anger. Use these statements instead of you. Always do this. For example, I feel frustrated when plans change at the last minute. Or here's another example I feel stupid when you're always correcting my driving.
00;18;23;23 - 00;18;58;04
Dr. John Mayer
Number six. This is a big one. Problem solving. Focus on resolving the issue, not venting the emotion. Break complex problems into smaller, manageable steps. Learn, compromise and how to negotiate. Instead of just demanding your way. Number seven rehearse and role play situations that are coming up that you know will make you angry. So practice how to respond in challenging situations.
00;18;58;07 - 00;19;01;17
Dr. John Mayer
I like to teach people how to use visualization.
00;19;01;17 - 00;19;25;06
Dr. John Mayer
visualization to create brain muscle memory of a situation that you know is going to make you angry. You literally create a movie in your head, a visualization of what the situation that you know is going to make you angry is. And then you can practice doing it better and less angry.
00;19;25;08 - 00;19;55;05
Dr. John Mayer
We teach athletes how to do this muscle memory to perform. And you can do it with any emotional state and anything that gets you anxious or angry. Role play. How you are going to act in this in upcoming situation. Many people have reported to me that they wake up angry. This always seems to come from the anticipation of some negative situation that you'll be facing that day.
00;19;55;07 - 00;20;27;06
Dr. John Mayer
So here's where visualization and role playing comes in, because you can take a few minutes just still laying in bed and visualize in role play immediately while you're there. And voila, you have the problem solved. And you have a strategy to keep the anger away from you. Number eight. Some people like and find useful journaling or leaving a voicemail for themselves.
00;20;27;09 - 00;20;53;29
Dr. John Mayer
Or if your phone has a note function of verbal note to yourself. What this does is this helps you track anger episodes and helps you chronicle the red flags that often come up in the thoughts and the outcomes. While you're angry. This can encourage reflection, and it's a great memory tool. It also helps create this great muscle memory.
00;20;54;00 - 00;21;26;19
Dr. John Mayer
Your brain memory of how they handle anger. Number nine lifestyle changes. Make sure your sleep, nutrition, exercise are all part of your lifestyle. They all influence emotional regulation. You've heard me say that in other episodes. Reduce alcohol drugs. Avoid high stress environments. And by the way, avoidance gets a bad rap in our world. And with some really poor counselors.
00;21;26;22 - 00;21;52;15
Dr. John Mayer
There's nothing wrong with avoiding situations that will trigger your anger. Of course, as much as you can avoid them, some of them you can. But don't be afraid to use avoidance. And number ten empathy. Try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Angry persons never seem to have learned empathy.
00;21;52;18 - 00;22;24;12
Dr. John Mayer
And by the way, parents do this with your kids. How is their world going? What is their world like? Try to understand where that other person is in their life and what's going on with them. I know these ten techniques to change are a lot to remember at the moment. When you get angry. These techniques that, when used right, will make personality changes that will help you control your anger for the long term.
00;22;24;14 - 00;23;04;14
Dr. John Mayer
And change you from being that angry person as you walk through the world. But let me give you a more condensed tool to apply. When anger comes over, you spontaneously. Here's three things to do. One. Identify what triggered the anger. Your red flags. Understand why this is making you angry. It's number two. Number three. Problem solving. You can fix and undo anything.
00;23;04;17 - 00;23;36;10
Dr. John Mayer
And to repeat what I said earlier, you may need to step away from this situation in order to apply these three tools. That's okay. Slow down and think. Use the long term skills from that list to then calm yourself. Now these techniques, everything I said here today takes rehearsal and patience, especially for those that have never used them before.
00;23;36;13 - 00;23;57;07
Dr. John Mayer
Well, that's all for today. Speaking of rehearsal, I suggest you listen to this episode several times to let these techniques really sink in. Well, goodbye for now. And look forward to my next episode that will be coming soon. Thank you.