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In this episode, Dani discusses how she learned to accept herself and how that allows her to accept others. She talks about resisting societal and cultural pressures to just be yourself.
For links & recommendations, see full episode notes.
Dani is honest and refreshing in her takes on the world and society. Listen as she explains how she’s come to understand the world through kindness, both towards ourselves and everything else.
[0:00] Hello there! Welcome to Understanding Kindness, I’m Dani! Today we’ll be talking about acceptance. We’ll look at acceptance of ourselves and acceptance of others and how the two relate. Let’s jump into this one. Welcome to this episode of Understanding Kindness.
[0:17] (Theme).
[0:23] In the last episode we discussed a podcast called This Land, and I mentioned how the series talks about the US’s history with making and breaking treaties. Today I want to discuss a zine [that I found on] Indigenous Action that provides an in-depth look into this history and the history of the “discovery” of this “New World” that we now refer to as the so-called Americas. “500 Years of Indigenous Resistance” details the history of life in the “Pre-Columbian world” (that is, the Americas prior to European colonization), the beginning of the war on and genocide of Indigenous Peoples for the land they’ve cared for since time immemorial, and the always constant resistance of this colonization by the Indigenous Peoples of these continents. Most of the history described in this zine was unknown to me. Reading it, I began watching puzzle pieces fall into place. Questions that I had no answers for before were being answered. Questions like: Who are the Indigenous Peoples of these lands that I’m occupying? Where are they now? Why do I not know anything about them? Why did I not learn about this in school? Why did I have to actively seek out this history of the place I’m occupying? Why is this history so disparate from the history I learned in school? Who is keeping this information from the mass population? And why are they keeping it from us? As well as, how did we get to this point currently? This zine answers all of these questions, both explicitly and implicitly. Implicitly because it is from an Indigenous perspective. The zine doesn’t answer all these questions directly, but it tells the history of the genocide and continuous resistance of Native Peoples of the Americas, which shows us the answers to these questions that aren’t directly answered. After learning this history, all the answers to these questions are so obvious. The history that is taught and learned in US schools is biased. All accounts of history are biased. The history that those of us in the US grew up learning was specifically chosen to be taught because it teaches a specific narrative, a narrative that keeps and continues the legacy of the European colonizers. “500 Years of Indigenous Resistance” teaches another narrative, one that, yes is biased, but gives us the other side of the one we learned in school, and helps piece together much of what was untold before. It’s a bit of a read, but fascinating the whole way through. I’ll link the zine in the episode notes.
[3:14] {Singing} *Shooouuuuut-Ooooouuuutttttsssssss*
Hey there patrons! Here’s to you, for supporting this show and me. I couldn’t be doing this creative work without support from people like you.
Okay, let’s keep it rollin’.
[3:30] Before I get into our main topic today, though I want to announce something: Understanding Kindness officially has a website! There you’ll be able to find transcripts of episodes dating back to episode 18 so far and you’ll find some blog posts by me with some blog-exclusive tidbits. Each episode transcript comes out the Monday before a new podcast episode drops so if you’d like a sneak peak a day early, head over there for that. Blog post topics are as wide-ranging as episode topics are on here, and are usually shorter reads than the amount of time it takes to listen to an episode. So far, I’ve put up blog posts ranging from mindfulness, to waffles, to language learning and uncomfortability. You can access links to the Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram accounts on the site as well. That’s what’s up there for now, and I’ve got plans for a bit more in the future so keep checking back. I’m sure I’ll announce on here when new things are happening over there too. Simply go to UnderstandingKindness.com to see all that’s up there!
[4:38] Alright, now that that exciting news has been announced, let’s get into our topic: acceptance. Like I said in the intro, we’re going to cover acceptance of ourselves, of others, and how the two are intertwined. First, let’s get into accepting who you are. I want to begin with something I heard a few months ago, maybe a year or so ago now, time isn’t real… Anyway, that was: everything that one says or does is a projection of what they believe about themself or what they believe about the world. Let’s let that one sink in for a bit.
[5:19] When I first heard this I was a bit skeptical. How is this true? Is everything I say and do really just a projection? Does this actually apply to everyone? Notice how I did not outright deny this saying. Instead I began asking questions. That alone is a projection of myself, as I am, or in this case: was, then. This reaction alone is proof of how I approached the world, and myself, at this time. Let me say that I haven’t always been able to do this, and actually for a lot of my life I probably would’ve just denied this saying. It’s taken a long time and lots of work to get here, and I still work on it everyday! When I would’ve denied this saying, I’ll tell ya, I was denying a lot about myself and denying a lot of what was happening around me in the world.
[6:19] I began denying myself somewhere in my teen years, I think. I was beginning to try to aspire to a specific narrative that girls and AFAB (which stands for Assigned Female At Birth) peeps are told about who they must be. This is a very common happening in teens, all teens. The culture and society begins seeping in, telling them to deny themselves, who they are, telling them what they should want in their one precious life, with their one precious body. I am a pretty short, naturally skinny person and have had the same body since I was like 17 years old, so, luckily, I never dealt with the intense pressures to be thin that our culture pushes onto us. I’ve always been pretty athletic and loved being outdoors. I was what they call a ‘tomboy’. When I was younger and growing up, my siblings weren’t living in the house anymore so it was just my mom and I for a long while. When she was at work and I’d be home, I’d play out little stories and then later write the stories down into books. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ve always loved writing. When I was younger, I had no idea how not to be that person. I was so accepting of who I was, and if I would’ve heard that saying during this time I think it would’ve clicked (I was a big introspective thinker back then too).
[7:51] When the cultural and societal pressures began being pushed up against me, it was almost inevitable that I would succumb to it. Now, I mostly grew up in the early 2000s and 2010s, so my upbringing was very specific and unlike any generation had seen before. The internet had just really started getting going when I was young. I grew up with TV and watched a lot of it, but I didn’t have many video games or screens to get sucked into. So, I’d play with my friends outside a lot, play by myself outside a lot, play with my dog, Baby, outside, play by myself inside, write stories. Once we got into the 2010s, technology and the internet were pretty far along from where they were just 5 years ago, but social media wasn’t as big yet. The algorithms weren’t as complex and exploitative yet. So, internet life was just that, internet life. Most of us who were using the platforms still knew life without these things so we sought out those fun, fully immersive experiences off screens. Social media wasn’t as addictive yet though either, so we tired of it more easily as well. Though the internet wasn’t as big yet, TV was still huge and the on demand market was well past it’s R&D phase on addictive-ness. TV shows slowly became accessible on demand, no wait, whenever you wanted, and they were plastering that narrative of what you should look like all over that anytime-you-want-it platform. I was seeing my peers succumb to this narrative slowly but surely. I wasn’t quite buying it yet, but it was only a matter of time. None of us were sure how it would affect us long term yet.
[9:41] As I began getting older in my late teens and early twenties, TV and social media, thanks to everyone having cell phones now, were well on their way. On demand TV was in it’s hay day and social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat were reigning supreme and everyone I knew had an account on one or more of these platforms. The narrative was being pushed into our faces, quite literally, almost 24-hours a day. I saw myself succumbing to the pressure to get all the right clothes, all the right shoes, all the right makeup, all the right things. I was spending my money trying to make myself into someone that I was not. I was denying who I was. I was denying that this was happening to everyone else around me too. I always felt something was off, but I kept denying it because I wanted others to accept me, to see that I was willing to do those things too, just to be accepted. I’d say that all this lead to my anxiety and depression. And it wasn’t until I landed on a hard, cold bottom that I realized I needed to stop denying this obvious pressure.
[10:55] This is when I began this gradual journey of coming back to myself and accepting every part of who I am. I immersed myself in this toxic culture for quite a few years and the ideas have been planted in my mind, so this journey of self-acceptance is ongoing. Sure, I still think about what others might think when I walk out the door and they see me, but I constantly remind myself that their opinions are not what matter. After all, chances are that they are sucked into the toxic culture as well. I remind myself that what matters more is how I feel and how I treat others. So, if I’m comfy in something that might not be the most fashionable during my day-to-day life, I do not care what others think. If they really wonder why I’m wearing what I’m wearing they’ll ask me and I will be completely fine telling them that I wear what I want and what’s comfortable, no matter their reaction. I understand that this is who I am and I love and accept myself as this person. I’d much rather open myself up to that conversation and hopefully allow them to take a peak into what life is like when you fully accept yourself, or maybe even open up to a lovely conversation with a stranger where I learn something new. I wouldn’t have it any other way now. The best part is that I’ve realized that I’m the person that my younger self always was and always wanted to be.
[12:27] We’ll segway into how to accept others with something I just mentioned: recognizing that others may still be feeling pressured by society. Like I discussed before, these societal and cultural pressures are applied to everyone. Literally. Every person, no matter where you are, is subject to societal pressures. These individual pressures are different from culture to culture, but they are still present. Every culture has different cultural and societal norms. These norms tell us what a specific culture or society values. And these norms are what those pressures are made from. The pressure part comes from everyone “doing their part” and subtlety, or sometimes not so subtlety, enforcing that on each other and on the upcoming generation. So, in the US, we’re constantly bombarded by pressures to look a certain way, have a certain career, want certain things in life, have certain possessions, go certain places, value certain things over others. In the US there is one ideal that everyone is striving to work towards. As you can see from my experience, and I’m guessing, when you really begin to question things, from your experience as well, no one wants the same things in life and essentially no one can reach this ideal that has been set up for us all. Yet we’re all being herded into this way of life, saying that it is the “one true way to live” (as I like to quote from Ishmael).
[14:07] We need to realize and understand that everyone who looks down upon us for not following the status quo is doing so because they’ve been looked down upon for the same reason before, and they do not realize and understand this key factor. Everything one says and does is a projection of what they believe about themself or of the world. Just as many people told you many not times to break from the status quo, so you began following the status quo and telling others not to break from the status quo, the person doing the same to you now is a victim of the same pressures and brainwashing. We must be understanding. We must be kind. Because we were once there too, not long ago. It is scary to come to the realization that we’ve been following something for most of our lives that we don’t truly believe in. We’ve all been there so we can all relate. We can all understand. We can accept others as they are when this point comes because we accepted ourself as we were when we made this realization. We can see that true acceptance comes from within. We will never be able to accept others until we accept ourselves. We must accept ourselves so that we can accept others. This is the greatest superpower of all.
[15:41] Now, I like to keep this quote in mind all the time, everything one says and does is a projection of what they believe about themself or the world. Remembering this allows me to listen more closely to myself and others to hear and understand what I or they believe. Remembering to listen to myself closely allows me to work on those things that I still have trouble accepting about myself, those things that culture or society embedded there and that are in need of extraction. Keeping this quote in mind allows me to really listen to others with an open heart and mind. It helps me to see another on a different level, to see them as just trying to be. And if I can accept myself for just trying to be, I can accept anyone for doing the same.
[16:36] {Singing} *Recommendaaaationsssss*
We’ve got a couple recommendations today. First there’s Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. I briefly mentioned this one just earlier, and in the last episode, so it goes without saying that I highly recommend this book. Learn about how things came to be this way, a bit about human animal history, and a bit about the direction we seem to be heading in.
[17:05] The second recommendation today is an article [that I found on] Indigenous Action titled, “500 Years of Indigenous Resistance”. For some in-depth history of Native American peoples, their respective colonization, and their collective resistance, give this article a read. Learn about many of the truths that we in the US have been lied to about, and, hopefully, start to see some things falling into place.
Both of these recommendations will be linked in the episode notes.
[17:35] If you enjoyed this episode, help support the podcast! All this content is free and I’d love to make it my job one day, so if you’re financially able join our patreon or send a one-time or recurring donation through paypal! You can also share an episode with family or friends, and give UK a kind rating and review!
Check out UnderstandingKindness.com for all episodes, transcripts, and blog posts. And why not take a listen to my other podcast, Better When Awkward, co-hosted by my childhood best friend Jasmine!
Get in touch with me by emailing UnderstandingKindness@protonmail.com, or through social media. You can find all links in the episode notes.
For now, be kind, be compassionate, be understanding, and question everything. I’ll be here. Thank you for listening to this episode of Understanding Kindness. [End transcript]