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In this episode, Dani discusses depression & anxiety, as well as meditation and mindfulness.
For links & recommendations, view full episode notes.
Dani is honest and refreshing in her takes on the world and society. Listen as she explains how she’s come to understand the world through kindness, both towards ourselves and everything else.
[0:00] Hey there! Welcome to Understanding Kindness, I’m Dani. Today I’m going to talk about a pretty dark time in my life, so I want to give a content warning about discussion of depression and anxiety. I want to take you through my 3ish year journey of how I got from this dark place to where I am now, the happiest I’ve ever been. I want to help people going through those dark times, people who are having a difficult time trying to navigate life, people that have lost touch with themselves and actually living life on this planet. I want to take you from the beginning of this journey, up to where I am now and beyond, because it is a lifetime journey. This story will take quite a few episodes, I’m thinking, because we’ll go in depth into everything I’ve learned. Let’s start at the beginning though, since I heard that beginnings are a good place to start. Welcome to this episode of Understanding Kindness.
[1:04] (Theme).
[1:14] So, from the beginning…As you may remember from the previous episode, high school was a tough time for me in the friend department. When I started my first job though, I was embraced into a circle of friends there, the circle also included my then-boyfriend. Him and I dated for about 5 years; we met when I was 16 and our relationship ended when I was 22. Everyone in this circle became very close and we all ended up going to college together and living together. For the last few years of my relationship with my boyfriend, things were pretty rocky. I didn’t want to be in the relationship with him anymore, but I still loved him. It was pretty difficult to deal with, especially because we lived together and our entire lives were entangled with each other’s. I wasn’t sure how to end something that I wasn’t even sure had ended. I felt like I needed to get out of the relationship, but I had no idea how to do that or what would happen afterwards. Eventually, though, I was able to end it. It was extremely hard. I wasn’t just losing my boyfriend, I was also losing a lot of friends in the process; not because of any bad blood, we just all drifted apart since the thing holding us together was severed. They all knew I was struggling with our relationship, so it wasn’t unexpected, it was just hard to deal with.
[2:49] After the break up, I started descending into this dark place. I’d wake up in the late morning or early afternoon just to go downstairs and lie on the couch all day watching tv/napping in a dark room with the blinds drawn, waiting until it was late enough that I could just go back to bed. I cried a lot. Sometimes I’d try to make myself cry, just so I’d get something out; maybe that would help. Nothing really helped. I was feeling disconnected from everything, everyone. I called off work for a few weeks. My ex and I worked at the same place and I couldn’t stand to see him there and not be able to hug him, so I just didn’t go to work. I wasn’t able to get myself up to go out with friends either. I had very little motivation to do anything. I wasn’t only dealing with the heartbreak of a romantic relationship ending, I was dealing with the heartbreak of many friendships ending and changing. All of this was really hard, especially given my history with friendships. I just kept diving deeper and deeper into this dark place. And isolating myself from friends on top of it all definitely wasn’t helping.
[4:06] After a while of this, one night while lying in bed trying to fall asleep, I asked myself if I thought I’d ever be happy again. I wondered if my life would ever be different, if I had any hope of things getting better. I didn’t. I thought that would be my life from then on. I didn’t know how I would be able to deal with this for the rest of my life. In that wondering though, I recognized something that my psychology degree came in handy for: that hopelessness. Hopelessness is one of the big signs of depression. I recognized that in my thought process and I knew I was depressed. Once I came to that realization, I started sobbing. It was scary to know that I had a degree in this kind of stuff and still wasn’t able to save myself from it. I felt defeated for not being able to implement the things I knew would help me to not be depressed. The thing about depression though, is that you need help from others to get out of it. You may have gotten there by being alone, but you can’t get out of it alone. I knew I needed to get some help.
[5:21] After having cried and thought about it more, I went to my mom that night and told her I thought I was depressed. I told her I needed help. She comforted me and helped me through that night. She’s helped me through a lot since then too. We stayed up talking about getting a therapist and socializing more. It was easier to get myself to socialize a bit since my friends were accessible, but finding a therapist took a while longer. I looked for what felt like months for a therapist that I thought I’d resonate with in my area and on my insurance plan. I called someone that I felt really good about, only to get a voicemail, where I left a message explaining how I needed therapy for depression and anxiety. I never heard back. Kind of ironic for someone claiming to help people with those exact things. This was pretty defeating though. On top of already being depressed, and slightly anxious, I’d worked up the motivation to try to find a therapist I liked, then worked up the motivation to make the call, all to be disappointed that my effort led to nothing.
[6:36] This was hard for both me and my mom. It was difficult for her to watch me like this, struggling so much everyday; it was hard for me for obvious reasons. She wanted to be able to help me more with finding a therapist, but she was still working full time and didn’t know when I’d want to actually go in, so she encouraged me as much as she could. This helped get my motivation up, but I still wasn’t able to find a therapist. Until one day I was talking with my friend, Tonya, and she mentioned that her partner had seen a therapist when they lived near us. So I called them and luckily got an answer. I made an appointment and began seeing her regularly.
[7:14] I had gone to therapy as a child when my parents got divorced. My mom wanted to make sure I was happy and healthy while all this was going on. I saw that therapist weekly for about 5 or 6 years. I absolutely loved seeing her. There was an entire 50 minutes where someone was paying attention only to me, it was great, I mean, for any kid. I had lots of fun talking and playing, and for some reason I loved getting tested for cognitive development. The tests usually contained a lot of puzzles that I loved to solve. I’d ask my therapist almost weekly if we could do those. From what I remember, the tests were pretty simple, I think I just liked figuring them out and then the praise afterwords. I loved going there and was sad when I was no longer able to. My point overall being, I wasn’t new to therapy by the time I started going again at 23.
[8:10] This time was very different from previously though. For starters, I was an adult now. I knew the reasons I was there, and those reasons were depression and anxiety. Pretty different from the therapy I had as a child. I started by seeing Dr. A weekly. I’d go in, we’d talk about my depression and anxiety and what was going on in my life, and I’d leave. It was interesting going to a therapist after having graduated with a degree in psychology. Many of the things that Dr. A suggested I had already known, but only intellectually. It’s one thing to know something as a fact, it’s another to know it because you practice it. Dr. A and I talked about a lot of psychology-based research going on ‘cause it just interested me a lot. We also talked about habits and actions I could take to help improve my life, diminish my depression, and combat the anxiety.
[9:11] I’ve referenced that I had depression AND anxiety a few times now. My anxiety was very much not in the forefront of my treatment. It came out the most in relation to my friendships. I was always anxious about making them upset or angry with me. It was weird too because as much anxiety as it caused me to think about them, I still didn’t want anything more than to be with them all the time. When it came down to it, I really just felt that I wanted them to be happy, and I was often worried about their moods and hoping I wouldn’t make them upset. My friends weren’t erratic with their moods or anything, I just really wanted them to be happy. It hurt to think about them not being, especially if I were the cause for whatever reason. So this anxiety was present and occurred often enough, but my depression had taken the forefront in the treatment because of how life threatening it was.
[10:11] In the beginning, Dr. A tried encouraging me to go to more social events, do more things that interested me. I found a few things that I might want to try, but ultimately didn’t do any of ‘em. It was still difficult for me to find the motivation to do anything. Just getting the motivation to go to my appointments was difficult, let alone to go somewhere I didn’t know anyone. Well, once we realized I wasn’t going to those events, we tried a different route. She told me to try meditation. As you may remember, I tried meditation in college, but never stuck with it. Now, having a professional psychologist suggest it to me, I wanted to give it another shot. I started trying it in the mornings and just kept sticking with it. I tried my best to do it everyday, no matter how long. Some days I’d get 10 minutes in, others I’d only get a few quiet breaths in throughout the day. There were of course days where I didn’t meditate or take deep, relaxing breaths at all, but I tried not to let those days hold me back and keep me from moving forward.
[11:13] As I mentioned in the episode on meditation, I believe this is the cornerstone to my health and happiness. Being mindful allows me to live my life the way I do. I really enjoyed and definitely recommend The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh, but in the beginning stages of my therapy and my meditation practice, I hadn’t even heard of this book or this person. What helped me in the beginning, while trying to get into a regular practice of meditation, was the app Headspace. It helped guide me through meditations, making it easy to learn and stay focused while meditating. Meditation is interesting because it literally involves you doing nothing. Imagine that, taking time out of your day to do nothing. Funnily enough, I felt I had already been doing nothing with my days, I mean, all I was doing at that point was lying on the couch doing…nothing. But as I began to realize, doing nothing and meditating are actually very different. The distinction is that doing nothing is more physical, like standing or sitting still doing nothing; meditation involves mentally doing nothing. It involves focusing solely on your breath, recognizing when your attention has wavered, and bringing your attention back to the breath. Meditation involves you taking the time to sit with yourself for a bit, not thinking, not worrying; you just get some quiet, alone time. Who wouldn’t want that?
[12:46] If you’re struggling in the beginning, that means you’re doing it right! It shouldn’t feel like you do majority of the time, it should be something different because it’s new to your life. We haven’t been taught these skills in mainstream US society so there will be a learning curve…but that means you’re learning! This journey for me has been 3 years in the making, and it’s still going! I struggled in the beginning, it was hard. I’d like to have known that going into this, it would’ve made the hard times easier to get through. That’s why I’m telling you this now, though. Know that it will be difficult, but nothing worth doing is easy. As of now, I’m still working on meditation. I still have trouble focusing on my breath. Sometimes I even forget that I’m meditating. 3 years in and I’m still doing the work. This is a lifelong practice. I continue to work on it because I do continue to get better. The progress may be slow, but it’s better than none at all. Your starting place is the best place to start. I’d recommend trying Headspace in the beginning because the app helps you through the tough parts, the parts where you forget to focus, or you forget that you’re meditating. Getting an app like this will help you learn how to meditate and keep you focused. If you’re a big reader, I’d suggest The Miracle of Mindfulness. If you don’t have much time for reading right now, try starting with the app and then move to the book when you find yourself having more free time (which, I think, if you actually implement these practices, you’ll definitely find yourself having more of).
[14:23] For now, I’ll hold off there. In next week’s episode we’ll continue with my journey. We’re still only in the beginning phases of it, so stay tuned because there’s A LOT more. Until then, if you’re struggling with hopelessness, depression, anxiety, or any other mental maladies, I’d suggest seeing a professional. I’m not one, so please take my experience as nothing more than a suggestion. This is what has worked for me, and I hope it can work for you too. Perhaps you’re feeling mostly mentally well, and that’s great! To y’all, as well as those who aren’t feeling so great, I’d suggest trying meditation, at least a few minutes a day. We could all use a little more quiet, alone time, especially where we get to turn our brains off. Your life does not have to constantly be go, go, go. In fact, I find it easier to actually live my life when I take things slowly and consider each moment. Meditation will help you find mindfulness, at least it’s helped me. Just try it out!
[15:27] I want to leave off with reminding everyone of the common definition of insanity, which is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, right? So, if you’re not feeling great, or just feel like things could be better (even if only slightly), why not try something different?
[15:46] And now for a couple bonus recs! Brené Brown’s always getting us with the fire. Brown just launched a new podcast, by the same name as one of the other books, Dare to Lead. I’ve listened to the first episode, which was released on the Unlocking Us feed, but it has some great insight into being brave, courageous leaders. I’ll read the book one day I’m sure, but until then this new podcast should be inspiring! The next rec is a book by Kevin Patterson called “Love’s Not Colorblind: Race & Representation in Polyamorous & Other Alternative Communities”. The book focuses on inclusivity in usually white spaces. Patterson does a great job explaining how they’ve used the guidelines in their own work, which you’ll see actually in the contents of the book. Thanks, Kevin, for showing us how to bring representation into practice. If you choose to use social media, you can get these recommendations, as well as be alerted on Tuesdays when a new episode of this podcast comes out, by following @UnderstandingKindness on Facebook and Instagram, or on Twitter @kindness_pod.
[16:50] To learn more about meditation and mindfulness from the same places I did, I’ll link all the aforementioned recommendations in the episode notes. If you’re experiencing depression or anxiety, please see a medical professional for help.
[17:04] If you enjoyed this episode, help support the podcast! All this content is free and I’d love to make it my job one day, so if you’re financially able join our patreon or send a one-time or recurring donation through paypal! You can also share an episode with family or friends, and give UK a kind rating and review!
Check out UnderstandingKindness.com for all episodes, transcripts, and blog posts. And why not take a listen to my other podcast, Better When Awkward, co-hosted by my childhood best friend Jasmine!
Get in touch with me by emailing UnderstandingKindness@protonmail.com, or through social media. You can find all links in the episode notes.
For now, be kind, be compassionate, be understanding, and question everything. I’ll be here. Thank you for listening to this episode of Understanding Kindness. [End transcript]