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In this episode, Chrissy Cole and Cher Ekasala talk about empty nesting, identity, grief, and trusting God with your child’s story. A vulnerable conversation for every mom navigating change, healing, and the next season of life.
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Website: https://projectchurch.com
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- (00:00) - “My Relationship With My Kids Isn’t Super Loving”
- (01:05) - When They Leave the Nest
- (04:30) - The Grief No One Talks About
- (07:15) - Letting Them Spread Their Wings
- (10:20) - Therapy, Healing & Identity
- (13:05) - How It Affects Your Marriage
- (17:30) - Don’t Take It Personally
- (21:00) - Unhealed Parts of Us
- (25:00) - The Prayer of Examen
- (29:45) - Trusting God With Their Story
- (33:30) - Who Are You Without Them?
- (36:45) - The Best Is Yet to Come
Creators and Guests
Host
Chrissy Cole
Chrissy’s parents moved to the U.S. from the Philippines in the late 70′s. She saw her parents both come to know the Lord at a young age. She and her family poured their lives into the local church and were changed by God. Chrissy attended Evangel University in Springfield, MO and earned a B.A. in Communications with an emphasis in Public Relations.
What is Project Sisterhood?
Project Sisterhood is a podcast for women who want to grow in faith, find healthy community, and become who God created them to be.
Hosted by Chrissy Cole and the Project Church Sisterhood team, each episode brings honest conversations and biblical encouragement centered on identity, belonging, spiritual maturity, healing, relationships, and purpose.
With a mix of humor, vulnerability, and real-life wisdom, Project Sisterhood creates space for women in every age and stage to feel seen, strengthened, and connected—because you were never meant to do life alone.
00;00;00;03 - 00;00;10;07
Cher Ekasala
This sounds really bad, but my relationship with my kids isn't like super loving. That sounds really bad.
00;00;10;10 - 00;00;10;28
Cher Ekasala
But, like, they're.
00;00;10;28 - 00;00;12;09
Chrissy Cole
Not like that. Mike.
00;00;12;12 - 00;00;20;09
Cher Ekasala
No no no no, they're they're not stuck to me like glue. Like, hey, it's really cool, actually. Like, I learned that that is so healthy.
00;00;20;11 - 00;00;49;14
Chrissy Cole
This is a Project sisterhood podcast for all things women, brother, youth, a purpose for ministry, motherhood for the marketplace. We have crucial and genuine conversations that transcend your season to impact your true identity as a woman. So light hearted. Possible. Honesty. Matters of the heart and soul to be encouraged. We hope you and all women of every age, at every stage, find life and freedom in Jesus and.
00;00;49;17 - 00;01;07;20
Chrissy Cole
Hey, ladies, welcome to another podcast episode with the Project Sisterhood podcast. That was so redundant. Anyways, I am so thrilled to be able to introduce yet another friend, my girl. Share. I feel like I need to make a joke a share.
00;01;07;20 - 00;01;08;16
Cher Ekasala
Yeah. Everybody does.
00;01;08;16 - 00;01;10;05
Chrissy Cole
Yeah. What kind of jokes do people know?
00;01;10;08 - 00;01;12;08
Cher Ekasala
Sunny and sorry. Sunny.
00;01;12;11 - 00;01;38;03
Chrissy Cole
Yeah. We're sunny. Well, she loves to have sunny, but she has Shaun, so she and Shaun are a couple in our church who have been faithful. They love the local body. They love serving. They serve in the capacity of leading our marriage. Chorus and community group leader. Sisterhood leader. Just love, your impact on this community and how you've strengthened the body by just being faithful and showing up for eternity.
00;01;38;04 - 00;02;08;00
Chrissy Cole
Yes. Showing up. Oh, I love these two. And so I recall the time that we first met, over coffee downstairs at different coffee projects. And I loved getting introduced to just the breadth and depth of who you are. So much experience in the church, so much ability, brilliance in the marketplace. And I'm like, man, anytime the Lord brings people like that to our church, we just feel so blessed.
00;02;08;07 - 00;02;26;22
Chrissy Cole
And so I love getting to meet people, getting to know them. We've been walking. Not as closely as I would like to. We need to get. We need to take care of that. But. Oh, there's so many things I want to talk about. Even your home. How you being miss being dinner there and the cabinetry that you have.
00;02;26;24 - 00;02;46;00
Chrissy Cole
Anyways, there's so much that I love. I get to meet such wonderful people and I want to share it with the project Sisterhood. I'm sure many people have seen you around, but they may not know you, so share. That was my introduction to you. Thank you for your joy, your friendship and your, Yeah. Your faithfulness really to the Lord.
00;02;46;00 - 00;02;48;26
Chrissy Cole
It blesses us so much for having me.
00;02;48;28 - 00;02;50;28
Cher Ekasala
And thanks for the opportunity to serve.
00;02;50;29 - 00;02;52;00
Chrissy Cole
Yes.
00;02;52;02 - 00;03;13;09
Cher Ekasala
That's the thing that we love the most about Project Church is that we get to serve. Yeah. Like in capacities that we didn't know we would ever serve in. Really like marriage. So that's just incredible. Like, I don't think we realize we don't realize what we have inside and what how others need that until we show up. Yes.
00;03;13;12 - 00;03;20;21
Cher Ekasala
And meet the pastor. And they're like, wait, you should totally do such and such. Yes. And then we're like, what? Oh, yeah.
00;03;20;24 - 00;03;39;17
Chrissy Cole
So great. I thought about that. Yeah. And you've done some pre-marital counseling for some of our, couples getting married in the church, and that's been a real blessing to them, I know. So, yeah, you're like, oh, my gosh. In previous ministries, you didn't serve in this kind of capacity. You know what you're saying? Yeah.
00;03;39;19 - 00;04;05;04
Cher Ekasala
No, no. And previous ministries, we were the normal couple like everybody had been married the same amount of time. Yeah. So we didn't know that we had something to offer. We we just literally it was not on their radar until I think until we met with you guys. When you came over for dinner. Yeah. And you were like wait, you've been married over 20 years.
00;04;05;06 - 00;04;05;25
Chrissy Cole
Yes.
00;04;05;26 - 00;04;11;01
Cher Ekasala
We need you. So yeah. That was that was awesome. Yeah. I never thought of that before.
00;04;11;04 - 00;04;15;07
Chrissy Cole
Yes. And you're a great host. Thank you.
00;04;15;09 - 00;04;16;24
Cher Ekasala
You need to come back. We need to do it.
00;04;16;27 - 00;04;34;05
Chrissy Cole
Yes, we do need to do it again. I'm sorry. And now that you have more space while you already had space, you have two children and this beautiful home. And you had us over and now one of them has flown. Flown away? Yeah. Tell us a little bit about that.
00;04;34;07 - 00;04;57;12
Cher Ekasala
Yeah. So I have a 17 year old who's still in high school and then, 20 year old. Let me know. It goes really fast. Everybody else say that, but it's really, really fast. And I can't believe she's 20. I feel like I just had her, but she is at San Francisco State. She is studying film, and she is an incredible human.
00;04;57;19 - 00;05;03;01
Cher Ekasala
Yeah. Just a ball of light. I adore her. Like, if you could be obsessed with theater. Okay.
00;05;03;05 - 00;05;03;18
Chrissy Cole
Yes.
00;05;03;18 - 00;05;04;02
Cher Ekasala
I'm obsessed.
00;05;04;03 - 00;05;26;17
Chrissy Cole
We all are. I'm obsessed with my kids, too. Right. Tell us about how it's been with her leaving the nest. Because I think a lot of women have heard, some of my stories. And I have kids that are junior high and younger, and, you know, a lot of gals in our, sisterhood, our community, they have young ones or they're pregnant and, a lot.
00;05;26;19 - 00;05;47;16
Chrissy Cole
Yes. But then I'm seeing like, man, a lot of our friends, kids that started before us, they are leaving the nest. And that's a whole nother transition that I would love to glean from your wisdom from your experience. Yeah. I mean, you and you're starting with a pretty healthy relationship that you have with your daughter.
00;05;47;17 - 00;06;07;25
Cher Ekasala
Yes. Yeah. I would say that. Yeah. I mean, we had our struggles over Covid. I think that was challenging. However, came out on the other side really healthy. You don't know you have a healthy relationship until they go away. Right. And then all of a sudden, your relationship morphs. And everybody kind of told me that. But I don't think it's talked about enough.
00;06;07;26 - 00;06;32;08
Cher Ekasala
Yeah. The grief that comes with them leaving. I didn't hear enough about it, I don't think. And I started grabbing books and reading about them flying and what that means for me in the midst of it. Right. Like, not just how to parent them, but what does that leave for me? My thrifting buddy. Left. Right. And so I have to throw off with friends, which is fine.
00;06;32;10 - 00;06;55;28
Cher Ekasala
But I love the same thing with my daughter. And, Yeah, it's just it's just a really interesting transition. I would say the best advice I have is to allow them to spread their wings earlier, like junior, a senior year in high school. She spread her wings. She had relationships outside of us. She,
00;06;56;01 - 00;06;57;06
Chrissy Cole
Was so AC.
00;06;57;09 - 00;07;19;09
Cher Ekasala
So busy. She was in theater and film at school. She was never home. And I think that was a blessing, even though it was hard. So, like, don't grab onto them and be like, you have to be home, right? Yes. Be home for some dinners. Yes, but allow them the freedom to spread their wings a little. Because otherwise it's going to be shocking for you.
00;07;19;10 - 00;07;38;05
Cher Ekasala
Yeah, and shocking for them. Yeah. When they leave. Right. So I think that did help a lot. I'm still really, really hard. I went to therapy. Don't don't don't get it twisted. I read every book. I went to therapy. Good. God. And I talked a lot because it was hard. Like, what about me? Like what? What do I do now?
00;07;38;07 - 00;07;57;26
Cher Ekasala
I literally didn't know what to do. My boys watch football all the time, and I'm not really a football fan. Yeah, so. And they like to hang out. So the conversations were very different at home. And I was kind of sad. Like, yeah, what do I do? What, what what's my place in this family? As a mom, you know.
00;07;58;03 - 00;08;05;01
Cher Ekasala
Wow. So that was interesting. I had to figure it out. Had to get some hobbies, which was fun.
00;08;05;05 - 00;08;08;21
Chrissy Cole
Oh, please tell us about some of your hobbies. I love it.
00;08;08;23 - 00;08;29;02
Cher Ekasala
I have a lot of houses, but, Yeah. So I tap, once a week. I used to tap once a week. I've taken a break from that. Life is very busy right now, but, Yeah. So tap dancing and I love crafts. I do diamond painting right now. Wow. Have you done time? No, never. Okay. I'll show you something.
00;08;29;02 - 00;08;52;18
Cher Ekasala
Okay. Yes. Anyway, I just love it. It's, like therapeutic. So I can sit in the same room with my boys, and they can watch these games and. Yes, yes. And watch football. And I'm methodically doing my thing, and it just is like a nervous system. Reset for me. Right. So it's very helpful. I like it and I'm still in the midst of my family, but I don't feel like I have to be contributing or.
00;08;52;24 - 00;08;59;22
Cher Ekasala
Right. Yeah. I just feel like I changed a lot when she left. Wow. It's really interesting. Yeah. But it was very, very difficult.
00;08;59;24 - 00;09;10;06
Chrissy Cole
So not only are you grieving your daughter leaving, you're grieving a part of your identity. Leaving? Was that the big conversation with her therapist? I mean, you know how. Tell us about yourself. Yes.
00;09;10;07 - 00;09;36;03
Cher Ekasala
No. It was. I actually had to learn why I felt certain ways. Like, why do I feel offended? All of a sudden when the boys say this or that. And it was a lot of intense healing, honestly, from just childhood and the past. What you think like oh yeah, I'm fine now. Like right. I'm an adult. I'm a full 52 year old adult and I don't need to heal anymore.
00;09;36;03 - 00;09;38;23
Cher Ekasala
And God's like, no, actually, yeah.
00;09;38;25 - 00;09;39;04
Chrissy Cole
This.
00;09;39;04 - 00;09;40;24
Cher Ekasala
Is going to heal you even more.
00;09;40;26 - 00;09;55;12
Chrissy Cole
Wow. I think the thing about parenting is it's a constant reminder of your upbringing. Oh, for sure. And so when you're not healed, man, it could be. Really? It's a.
00;09;55;12 - 00;09;58;26
Cher Ekasala
Reflection. Yeah, it's like a it's like a mirror. Yeah. Actually.
00;09;58;29 - 00;10;18;15
Chrissy Cole
Yeah. Like, it'd be really destructive if we don't heal. But, you know, I always tell my kids I'm so sorry for the trauma that you're probably experiencing because of some of my unhealed stuff that you'll likely go to therapy for. But the sooner I can ask for forgiveness, the sooner I could tell you I need to grow in this area.
00;10;18;17 - 00;10;38;26
Chrissy Cole
Yep. The sooner we humble ourselves, and ask for help, the better it will be for them, for sure. And ultimately for us to bloom. Why do you think this transition, was so different? Or how is it different than some other earlier transitions from, like, you know, elementary did you hire to high school? You know.
00;10;38;27 - 00;10;39;11
Cher Ekasala
Totally.
00;10;39;11 - 00;10;40;19
Chrissy Cole
Different. Yeah.
00;10;40;24 - 00;11;01;12
Cher Ekasala
Like completely when they leave, like, you no longer have control over them. Which is good. Like for a control freak that's a really important. Right. And so it's like God wants to heal us, wants to fix us, wants to like grows in that way. So he's like, oh my, your kid's going to go to San Francisco.
00;11;01;13 - 00;11;25;09
Cher Ekasala
That's not that far. Like everybody says, oh, it's not that far. Yeah, but she doesn't live here every day, right? I don't know what she's doing half the time. Right. And that has to be okay. And instead of like fighting it and being depressed about it and whatever. Heal. Make yourself busy doing stuff. But actually what happened was I made myself really, really busy.
00;11;25;12 - 00;11;50;27
Cher Ekasala
And then I learned how to be content with not being busy. And being by myself. Right. Like all of a sudden I'm okay being by myself. How'd that happen? Like I've never been okay with that. Right. And somehow that transition happened I think just healing and prayer and therapy and everything else. But it's completely different. I mean, they leave, they leave, and we need to be okay with that.
00;11;51;00 - 00;12;05;21
Cher Ekasala
The therapist told me, this is her story, not yours. Right. My story is separate, and my story is important. But this is her story. Let her fly. Let her have her story. And she's thrived.
00;12;05;23 - 00;12;06;10
Chrissy Cole
Yeah.
00;12;06;13 - 00;12;10;05
Cher Ekasala
So I'm super glad I let go. Yes. But it was hard.
00;12;10;07 - 00;12;13;06
Chrissy Cole
How does it impact your marriage?
00;12;13;09 - 00;12;43;07
Cher Ekasala
Oh. That's good. Well, men grieve differently. So I think he. Yeah, he didn't grieve until she was gone. And then he felt really melancholy. So I've struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. And he hasn't he has no idea like what that feels like. Yeah. And so when she left there was like several days of melancholy and he was like is this what depression feels like?
00;12;43;08 - 00;13;06;12
Cher Ekasala
It was like an eye opener for him. Oh, wow. I can't believe I'm feeling this way. And I had like pre grieved like lots of pre grieving and like I said letting her pull away and all of this. So I was like anticipating it right. And I think that helped me help him during his, you know, struggles when she left because yeah it was rough.
00;13;06;12 - 00;13;27;07
Cher Ekasala
But yeah. And then you morph your whole your marriage morphs. Like, she was kind of, she's like a mediator, kind of. Which isn't great. Like, my kid's a mediator, but she just was. I was like, mom, dad didn't mean it like that. Or, you know, wow. Like, she's that person. It was really sweet of her.
00;13;27;10 - 00;13;47;24
Cher Ekasala
But that person isn't here anymore. Yeah. And that's okay because we can be a full adults. Yeah. You know, on our own. So it's really, really interesting. Yeah. And just like I have my own relationship with her now, and I don't think he talks were a ton. Just because that's not how they relate. But when they do, it's great.
00;13;47;25 - 00;13;55;27
Cher Ekasala
Yeah. You know, so I think like a lot of times I'm the one saying both. But like yesterday I got a video from her and you want to watch it and yeah, things like that.
00;13;55;27 - 00;14;17;25
Chrissy Cole
So you know what I think is interesting. There's this similar dynamic of when we're pregnant with our babies and, you know, you're saying you pre grieve and then it hits them after. Yeah. Yeah. After that act or you know, yeah, they leave. But as women we are pregnant. First the baby is within us being formed and yeah we're.
00;14;17;25 - 00;14;18;25
Cher Ekasala
And experiencing.
00;14;18;26 - 00;14;46;14
Chrissy Cole
Yes. The reality. Hits men more differently for sure. And maybe later more initially I guess I don't know after the baby's born for sure. Yeah. And so that's probably something that we women need to attune ourselves to that, you know, to have grace on the man for sure. And our husbands, our spouses, grandpas or whatever, because we do experience that before them.
00;14;46;14 - 00;14;51;09
Chrissy Cole
It doesn't mean that we're better or that we are more intuitive. It's just it's different. Yes.
00;14;51;10 - 00;15;11;19
Cher Ekasala
I think that we absolutely grieved her, leaving totally differently and at different times, which is probably all meant to be. So we could be there for one another. But, he's been very kind to me when I miss her and this and that. Right. And and then when he was going through his grief, you know, I said, this is a normal feeling.
00;15;11;19 - 00;15;33;23
Cher Ekasala
It's okay to feel this way, like, let it happen, because I think that's the other thing. I think people avoid grief. Yeah. And that's a whole nother subject. Yeah, but, I don't think we should do that. I think it's really important to feel it and go through it and not, like, wallow in it. Right. But allow yourself a moment like Jesus wept like it's okay to miss people.
00;15;33;23 - 00;15;54;28
Cher Ekasala
It's okay to miss your kid. They're not home anymore. That's hard. Right? And it's okay. But don't put it on them, right? Right. So grieve and then move on. But I couldn't, like, call her every day and be like, oh, I miss you. Like, that's not her. That's not fair. Right? Her fly. Yes. Deal with it with the Lord and your spouse.
00;15;55;00 - 00;15;56;07
Cher Ekasala
Yeah. And your therapy?
00;15;56;13 - 00;16;08;27
Chrissy Cole
Yeah. Oh, please. Please. By all means. Like. Yeah. Get whatever help that you need. Yeah. How about your relationship with your son? Because you still have a son at home. And did that change into any dynamics?
00;16;08;29 - 00;16;33;07
Cher Ekasala
Yeah, I think it totally did. I think that he is, He still home for one? Well, this last year. We adore him. He is pulling away. I think what happened with Priore that again. I'm pretty. My. He said, well, she went away to college and look at her and she's thriving. And so I'm going to do the same.
00;16;33;07 - 00;16;53;27
Cher Ekasala
And I was like, oh no, oh no, you're my baby. Aren't you going to stay? Right. But he got busier as, he got busier with his senior year and I'm happy for him. And because he was always, like a homebody. But he was home a lot. And, all of a sudden he's really busy with the band, and he's gone a lot.
00;16;53;27 - 00;17;17;05
Cher Ekasala
And this is totally natural. And I'm so grateful, actually, because I was like, if he's home all the time in senior year and then he leaves, it's going to be rough. But, that transition has happened. And I would say, like, this sounds really bad, but my relationship with my kids isn't like super loving. That sounds really bad.
00;17;17;08 - 00;17;17;26
Cher Ekasala
But like, they're.
00;17;17;26 - 00;17;19;07
Chrissy Cole
Not like that. Like.
00;17;19;10 - 00;17;27;08
Cher Ekasala
No no no no, they're they're not stuck to me like glue. Like, hey, it's really cool actually. Like, I learned that that is so healthy.
00;17;27;14 - 00;17;27;23
Chrissy Cole
Yeah.
00;17;27;23 - 00;17;38;13
Cher Ekasala
For them to like, the, the therapist told me like they need this time. So if you're like this until their senior year, you're in trouble. But if they see themselves separately.
00;17;38;16 - 00;17;38;28
Chrissy Cole
Yeah.
00;17;39;01 - 00;17;52;03
Cher Ekasala
And then continue that that's a good thing and they will come back to you, you know, and be loving later. Yeah. But right now he's doing this like it's almost like rejection. Like not rejection.
00;17;52;04 - 00;17;52;22
Chrissy Cole
No you're right.
00;17;52;23 - 00;17;53;11
Cher Ekasala
Super sweet.
00;17;53;11 - 00;17;54;15
Chrissy Cole
But yes, it's.
00;17;54;15 - 00;18;02;06
Cher Ekasala
This thing that they do, they pull away and it's so natural and and we can't get offended by that. Right. Well can we cut. We can.
00;18;02;09 - 00;18;25;07
Chrissy Cole
We can have we can choose that. But it's like the, the unhealed parts of us will see it as a rejection rather than a normal. Yes. You know, this is the time of life where this happens. This is them discovering themselves. And can we celebrate that? Can we honor that in them and can we be more? I just I always love the picture of holding soap in our hands.
00;18;25;07 - 00;18;35;11
Chrissy Cole
If we squeeze too tightly, it'll fly out of our hands. If we hold too loosely, then it'll slip out. But you just want to hold loosely. I'm here. Yeah, yeah, I love that here.
00;18;35;14 - 00;18;36;18
Cher Ekasala
Right, right.
00;18;36;20 - 00;19;06;12
Chrissy Cole
Similarly, my son turned, 13 or 14, and Caleb wanted to start this thing called intentional intentional fathering. I think John Mark, John Tyson, it's a little path for manhood, that he was taking my son through. And in the book, it talks about having, the mom going out with the son on a special kind of date night and you, quote unquote, uncouple with them.
00;19;06;19 - 00;19;27;09
Chrissy Cole
And the wife in the book was so like, this was the worst thing ever. But what the husband wanted her to do was say, okay, you're no longer, you know, a couple I obviously not a couple, but you're no longer attached to mom, right? You I am not going to be able to help you become a man the way that your dad is going to.
00;19;27;12 - 00;19;37;03
Chrissy Cole
And so she's like, it was a worst thing ever. And so Caleb said, this is what she did. And I go, I'll do it, but I'm not going to call it uncoupling, and I'm going to make sure he knows that I'm always here for him.
00;19;37;03 - 00;19;37;24
Cher Ekasala
Yeah.
00;19;37;27 - 00;20;04;13
Chrissy Cole
But the point was, so with the direction that we were given was that we were to, that we were to identify what was so great in them so that they knew that they were affirmed by us. Nice. Right? They're affirmed by us. They know that we're their corner. But again, handing them off to dad. And that was that was a little bit difficult for me.
00;20;04;13 - 00;20;23;28
Chrissy Cole
I was like, I was holding back tears most of the time that I was, talking to him. And at the end of it, I was like, how did that make you feel? And he's like, that was awesome. Thanks, mom. And so and then that was my my little piece of solace. And really, you know, I had to tell myself, don't get hurt feelings when he wants to hang out with dad more.
00;20;24;00 - 00;20;27;26
Chrissy Cole
He's wanting to become the man that his dad is. And that's great.
00;20;27;26 - 00;20;29;10
Cher Ekasala
That is great. We want that, right?
00;20;29;10 - 00;20;43;11
Chrissy Cole
Yes, we want that. And so we shoot ourselves in the foot. When we hold too tightly, we shoot ourselves in our foot when we don't grieve well. And Lord, the Lord is like, what he did to you is like to really disciple your heart.
00;20;43;14 - 00;20;52;08
Cher Ekasala
We yeah, we can actually really grow during this season and instead of like become depressed and that.
00;20;52;11 - 00;20;53;27
Chrissy Cole
You had to did you have to fight that?
00;20;53;27 - 00;21;17;11
Cher Ekasala
Oh for sure. Yeah for sure. That's why I found a therapist, and Christian therapist. She was amazing. And really, really helped me understand. I mean, really, like a lot of it's just selfishness, to be honest. Like, I was feeling really selfish, like I'm only offended. But it is the unhealed parts of us, right. That's why I'm offended.
00;21;17;11 - 00;21;39;12
Cher Ekasala
Not because, like, she did anything to me, my daughter or my son. That was inappropriate. Like, they love me. I love them like what's. Yeah. What's the deal here? And then you have to realize that those are. Yeah, unhealed, areas in your life that you need fixing. And then when you get to the other side, just like healing.
00;21;39;14 - 00;21;54;16
Cher Ekasala
It's like, oh, wow. Okay, I let go and now I can celebrate her and enjoy her. And yeah I love hearing about her life and I'm not like depressed or sad about it anymore. I'm I'm so grateful for her.
00;21;54;18 - 00;22;21;01
Chrissy Cole
I think it's easy for us to say this when our children are maybe living a good life and are enjoying it, but I imagine it would be harder for some whose children might have gone wayward, or who have no connection with you, which is all the more reason that you to let go to a degree, I think stay connected without, without controlling the controlling part with know.
00;22;21;03 - 00;22;21;29
Cher Ekasala
Yeah, they know when.
00;22;22;01 - 00;22;23;03
Chrissy Cole
They know the difference. Yeah.
00;22;23;04 - 00;22;27;04
Cher Ekasala
Oh for sure, for sure. Yeah. She's on 360. Yeah, I know she gets home.
00;22;27;04 - 00;22;28;01
Chrissy Cole
Yeah.
00;22;28;03 - 00;22;49;17
Cher Ekasala
The night before at some point. Right. I like I will check it in the morning if I know she's gone out the night before just to make sure she didn't die. Yeah. Or she's actually home. But I've pulled even back on that. Like, it's really neat to let the Lord take that away, too. Like, there are other things that I need to be focused on, and this is not one of them.
00;22;49;17 - 00;22;50;24
Cher Ekasala
And she is fine.
00;22;50;26 - 00;22;58;02
Chrissy Cole
What what how is your identity maybe changed or morphed or what has it grown being?
00;22;58;04 - 00;23;25;08
Cher Ekasala
Oh well, I'm definitely way more content. Than I used to be. And I think I feel less selfish. And more. Yeah. More at ease with what's happening around me. I just feel a lot more peace about my family. Like I'm not offended by the boys anymore. I used to be offended. Yeah, they have conversations or interrupt me, and I'd be like, you know, they're not listening to me.
00;23;25;10 - 00;23;41;22
Cher Ekasala
But now I'm just like, oh, yeah, they're just being boys, and it's fine. And why do I need my voice to be heard? Why? Like, like my voice is important to certain people at certain times of that, I don't need to always have my voice be heard. And my whole, you know, there are times I need to be silent and just let them be.
00;23;41;24 - 00;23;42;08
Chrissy Cole
Voice.
00;23;42;08 - 00;23;43;12
Cher Ekasala
Yeah. And that's okay.
00;23;43;17 - 00;23;51;11
Chrissy Cole
You know, that's interesting that you should say this, because what I'm hearing is that you're just doing a real, inventory of self.
00;23;51;14 - 00;23;52;07
Cher Ekasala
For sure, true.
00;23;52;07 - 00;24;09;22
Chrissy Cole
Self examination. But I know that the propensity with self-examination can be to be self critical moral scorekeeping and just harsh and shameful of yourself. And so this past weekend, we had, prayer and Pilates.
00;24;09;25 - 00;24;11;11
Cher Ekasala
Yes. Group. I need to join that.
00;24;11;11 - 00;24;32;13
Chrissy Cole
Yes. You shared. My sister in law leads it. Tatianna, shout out my girl. My health fitness coach guru. But she led the plots, and then she led us through the scripture. We love because he first loved. And then we went through the prayer of examine. And actually let me, let me share a little bit about it.
00;24;32;13 - 00;24;45;00
Chrissy Cole
It's an ancient practice, that can help us really see God's hand at work in us rather than doing a self-examination that leads us to shame.
00;24;45;01 - 00;24;45;11
Cher Ekasala
Yeah.
00;24;45;11 - 00;24;57;07
Chrissy Cole
So it's the prayer of examine. And the Jesuits did it over 500 years ago. Years of a thousand years ago, actually. Now, that's that's way too long. Okay. Oh, we'll fix the dates on that.
00;24;57;09 - 00;24;58;18
Cher Ekasala
A long time ago.
00;24;58;18 - 00;25;22;18
Chrissy Cole
A long time ago. It's considered an ancient practice. But what you go through are the four steps. First, you rejoice and you, thank God, for the things that are just obvious. But you think, not just obvious, but things that you might not see as a blessing. I may not see the fact that my my what my husband and my son are connecting so well.
00;25;22;21 - 00;25;24;27
Chrissy Cole
I should be grateful for that rather than getting offended by that.
00;25;24;27 - 00;25;25;18
Cher Ekasala
Absolutely.
00;25;25;18 - 00;25;29;20
Chrissy Cole
The fact that Kanan wants to hang out with Caleb more than he wants to be with it.
00;25;29;22 - 00;25;30;12
Cher Ekasala
Yeah, let.
00;25;30;12 - 00;25;49;21
Chrissy Cole
Me be grateful for that. So. Right. So first you rejoice and then you review. You take a true inventory of yourself. It's and but this actual prayer is saying 24 hours. So look at the last 24 hours of your day and try not to morrow score. Keep try not to shame yourself. Try not to do all those things.
00;25;49;21 - 00;26;16;03
Chrissy Cole
Because why? Because he already accepted and loved us. He we love because he first loved us, right? So you really are going into this acknowledging the good things that he's done. You rejoice in that. And then you review with the foundation Identity Building Foundation that says, I'm already left, I'm already accepted. I'm enough.
00;26;16;10 - 00;26;16;18
Cher Ekasala
Yeah.
00;26;16;23 - 00;26;45;01
Chrissy Cole
You know, and so then you, you identify where is God near in these things in the last 24 hours? Where have I pulled away? Where I, you know, try to, try to reject God, even though he's trying to show me some of the things and some of the pains and the wounds and the hurts. And then you repent about what may have where you may have rejected God, or may you resisted what he's trying to show you.
00;26;45;04 - 00;27;07;03
Chrissy Cole
Oh, but then again, you can't sit in the shame. You have to just repent and receive God's forgiveness. I think that's there's a lot of is going on here. So you're rejoicing, you're reviewing, you repent and you receive forgiveness and repentance, and then you resolve, what is this examination of how God sees me, not just how I see myself, right?
00;27;07;04 - 00;27;09;22
Chrissy Cole
Self-examination can be so selfish.
00;27;09;22 - 00;27;10;13
Cher Ekasala
Absolutely.
00;27;10;13 - 00;27;30;16
Chrissy Cole
You then go to resolve that. Moving forward, I'm going to remember that this is how God sees me. I'm going to remember that I received forgiveness. I receive, you know, I received something from God in this examination, not just, you know, demerits on myself because of what I know is wrong in me, you know? Right. So it's just a beautiful prayer practice.
00;27;30;16 - 00;27;31;21
Chrissy Cole
I think that's really important.
00;27;31;21 - 00;27;34;15
Cher Ekasala
Yeah. Stage. Yeah. Well, at every stage.
00;27;34;15 - 00;27;43;23
Chrissy Cole
And every say for me, I'm even thinking I'm already grieving. Yes. Well, you're giving because my son's about to go to high school and I'm like, oh my gosh, that means only four more years.
00;27;43;23 - 00;27;44;27
Cher Ekasala
When they go by in a.
00;27;44;27 - 00;27;56;13
Chrissy Cole
Blink. I know, I know. So how would you encourage a parent my age? How would you encourage a, a mom with newborns?
00;27;56;16 - 00;28;16;08
Cher Ekasala
How do you encourage us? I love the moms with newborns. Yeah. So much. If I could. Yeah. Ministry there, it would. I wish I had exponential time, because my heart is for them. I think that was a really difficult stage. Yeah. And, yeah, a lot of my depression came out during that time, but that's a whole different subject.
00;28;16;08 - 00;28;38;11
Cher Ekasala
Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was really, really difficult and beautiful all at once. Right. Yeah. So yeah, I think that I would say like pre grieving. Very important. Yes. Allow yourself to feel. Yeah. Really really important. Don't put it on them. I think feel without putting it on them like it's not their fault they're leaving from their fault they're going to high school, right?
00;28;38;11 - 00;29;00;21
Cher Ekasala
Yeah. They don't need to see all our emotions. It's fine. Like we're moms, we have input. We're women, we have emotions. We do okay. And God made us that way. Yeah, it's okay to have those emotions, but do we make them feel guilty for it? No. I'm like, we don't need to share all that with them. And then I would say pressing into your spouse is very important.
00;29;00;23 - 00;29;31;06
Cher Ekasala
I think that they if there are two to you, they will help fill some of those gaps. Mine was very, very sweet and asked a lot of compassionate questions to try to help me. Like, what do you need right now? Yeah. As she's leaving or whatever. Yeah. And enjoy every moment I had 2025 was savor the moments because I knew my son was going to graduate in 2026 and 2026 is trust.
00;29;31;09 - 00;29;55;02
Cher Ekasala
I need to trust that God has it. Yeah. No matter what. Yeah, so easier said than done. But, you know, all we can do is trust. Because if he's been faithful all along, he will be faithful in this. We can trust him with our children. Yeah. We can in high school and in college and in grade school and their babies.
00;29;55;02 - 00;30;11;19
Cher Ekasala
Right. We can trust him, truly. So I always go back to that like I have always trusted him and he's never let me down. So why would I not trust him now? Because I know he's faithful and it's going to be what it is like. It's not my story there. Sorry.
00;30;11;23 - 00;30;13;02
Chrissy Cole
Oh, that's that's so it's.
00;30;13;02 - 00;30;32;02
Cher Ekasala
Their story, and he's writing it. And I have to be okay with it. And listen, they're not like super faithful church goers right now. And we've raised them in the church. That's a whole different subject, right? They've been ministry kids their whole lives. And but we have to let it go sometimes and be like, God, you've got them.
00;30;32;05 - 00;30;41;15
Cher Ekasala
Like I've done everything. Yes, I trained up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it. But right now, maybe they will.
00;30;41;17 - 00;30;42;02
Chrissy Cole
Yeah.
00;30;42;08 - 00;30;47;25
Cher Ekasala
I have to be okay because I know that God has them. He is writing their story. He will mine, right?
00;30;47;28 - 00;30;49;20
Chrissy Cole
Right. I'll write theirs. Yes.
00;30;49;20 - 00;30;54;21
Cher Ekasala
I just have to trust it. Yeah. And it's not always that easy because we're control freaks.
00;30;54;25 - 00;31;08;25
Chrissy Cole
So. Yeah, I mean, I love that you even said that, but you feel as if some of this is self-examination was just revelation that there's some selfishness to it. We want to write their stories. We want them to live their best life.
00;31;08;27 - 00;31;10;28
Cher Ekasala
The way we see it. We think we know what that is.
00;31;10;28 - 00;31;11;10
Chrissy Cole
Yes, right.
00;31;11;16 - 00;31;12;15
Cher Ekasala
We think we do.
00;31;12;15 - 00;31;13;17
Chrissy Cole
We really do.
00;31;13;18 - 00;31;16;04
Cher Ekasala
I really think I know. Yeah, exactly how you should live.
00;31;16;04 - 00;31;22;26
Chrissy Cole
And then do you feel like that's where you also lose identity because you're like so focused on what they're building and then you lose yourself?
00;31;23;03 - 00;31;28;07
Cher Ekasala
Absolutely. Yes. Like I'm writing your story and then I'm like, oh no, wait, I'm writing.
00;31;28;07 - 00;31;30;15
Chrissy Cole
With my story. What's my story? My story is not complete.
00;31;30;15 - 00;31;40;15
Cher Ekasala
And who am I without them? I think that's the other thing, like going into empty nesting. Yes. When he leaves and fall. Check, check with me.
00;31;40;17 - 00;31;41;02
Chrissy Cole
Yeah.
00;31;41;05 - 00;32;01;19
Cher Ekasala
But honestly, we are kind of looking forward to what's next. Like, we're trying to anticipate it, like, let's go on date nights and we don't have to do this and that. And right, there's so much freedom in that so that we're trying to and enjoy that and get ready for that. And hope that we feel that way.
00;32;01;19 - 00;32;17;28
Cher Ekasala
I think it's going to be hard at first for sure. Yeah. You know, but yeah. Then we just have to let it go. Let it go and and trust because really what else is there. Yeah. We either let it go or we fret right. And God doesn't want us to fret, right? Like, now, don't.
00;32;17;28 - 00;32;19;09
Chrissy Cole
Be anxious about anything.
00;32;19;11 - 00;32;24;11
Cher Ekasala
Else like that is not of the Lord. So, easier said than done.
00;32;24;11 - 00;32;25;26
Chrissy Cole
Yes, I know.
00;32;25;28 - 00;32;40;22
Cher Ekasala
But you put these things into practice and you can survive and you can make it and then you can thrive. So yeah, we are actually like looking at each other now. And saying, who are we without our kids? Yeah, because we had kids pretty quickly when we got married.
00;32;40;22 - 00;32;42;00
Chrissy Cole
So yeah.
00;32;42;02 - 00;32;51;03
Cher Ekasala
But we were friends beforehand and we were actually afraid kids were going to ruin our friendships. So we keep going back to that, like, okay, but we were friends before. Like, yeah, we like each other.
00;32;51;03 - 00;32;51;21
Chrissy Cole
Beautiful.
00;32;51;21 - 00;32;52;00
Cher Ekasala
Yeah.
00;32;52;04 - 00;33;10;19
Chrissy Cole
I I'll never forget my youth pastor when I was still in high school. I think two of us out of four girls were in high school, and then the two others were away at college and we came home for the summer. We were hanging out with our youth pastor, and he explained to us kind of what what he perceived was happening with my parents.
00;33;10;22 - 00;33;33;11
Chrissy Cole
And he said, you know, when they start off, they're they're good at that. They're pouring into each other, pouring into their marriage. And then by necessity, they have to separate because there's all these kids and they will pour in. And then when those they pour into the kids, they try to pour into the relationship. But they're there's.
00;33;33;13 - 00;33;35;13
Cher Ekasala
Only a limited amount of, especially.
00;33;35;13 - 00;34;00;16
Chrissy Cole
If you're outnumbered, you know, like the way my parents were, you know, that's what happens. They're pouring into the kids. And so then when they leave the nest, they have a decision, am I going to go back like we were in the beginning and like, round this out, or are we going to go away? And I know that I had friends whose parents, you know, in their 20s, like why they've been married for 20 years, why it's happening, but.
00;34;00;19 - 00;34;01;22
Cher Ekasala
It's very common. Yeah.
00;34;01;22 - 00;34;09;17
Chrissy Cole
And it's the ones that decide pre grieve. They know they're anticipating the next season. Be excited. And yes we.
00;34;09;17 - 00;34;19;05
Cher Ekasala
Get to date again. You get to travel just us. Yeah I feel guilty about it. Yeah. Even though our son tells us not to feel guilty about it. Yeah. Leaving a at home feel sad sometimes.
00;34;19;10 - 00;34;38;11
Chrissy Cole
And it's honestly no different than when parents like high five when they drop their kids off at school. Like, right. It's just like, that's just like a precursor to what's going to happen in the future. Like, hey, we get to go on a date now, we get to have some peace of the house. We can put the house back together after they've destroyed it, you know?
00;34;38;11 - 00;34;39;12
Chrissy Cole
And now our kids are leaving.
00;34;39;12 - 00;34;47;19
Cher Ekasala
So that's another thing. You can actually do things around your house. Yeah. Convert playrooms. Yeah, yeah. Get rid of the Lego.
00;34;47;21 - 00;35;16;18
Chrissy Cole
Yeah, I love it. Yeah. So every season really just holding on to what God's promise and hope is in that season. Oh gosh. Stay in wonder of what he could do with, you know, maybe some some family members are now absent. What does that look like? Like there's there's hope in that. There's excitement in that. And there's something that you get I think even the non-controlling, there's like distance from your child.
00;35;16;20 - 00;35;21;18
Chrissy Cole
And it's like, now I can learn them in this season. There's so much to discover.
00;35;21;18 - 00;35;36;16
Cher Ekasala
So exciting. My son and I are like, we're terrible at texting each other. Yeah, what are we going to do? And and my daughter figured out like she can video and then I video her back and we do videos. That's. Yeah, that's our thing. We don't stop or anything like that. Yeah. And, Marco.
00;35;36;16 - 00;35;37;16
Chrissy Cole
Polo is a great app for.
00;35;37;16 - 00;35;51;18
Cher Ekasala
That. I've heard, I've heard. Yeah. And I'm waiting for what we're going to do. Right. As I said, we're really bad at texting each other. Like, you never respond when I text you, like, I just need a thumbs up or. Okay. Yeah, a proof of life.
00;35;51;22 - 00;35;52;19
Chrissy Cole
Yes, yes.
00;35;52;22 - 00;36;07;16
Cher Ekasala
And I'm excited for what that's going to look like. And I think it'll take time. I think we didn't fit. We didn't fall into a cadence with her for like a year. And then all of a sudden it was like, this is how we talk. And it's so fun because, like, I get to see her face.
00;36;07;16 - 00;36;08;19
Chrissy Cole
And.
00;36;08;21 - 00;36;19;08
Cher Ekasala
Hear her voice and I just love it. So I'm hoping we can find a cadence like that. And I'm looking forward to what that looks like. I'm looking forward to him being excited when we visit him in Boise.
00;36;19;12 - 00;36;20;28
Chrissy Cole
Yeah, yeah. No that's great.
00;36;20;29 - 00;36;22;26
Cher Ekasala
Like that's that'll be awesome.
00;36;23;00 - 00;36;23;16
Chrissy Cole
Yeah.
00;36;23;17 - 00;36;45;16
Cher Ekasala
And then it's fresh you know. Yeah I mean it's so easy to be like it's so easy to look back and say I miss this I miss that I miss when they're five I miss but yes, but the best is yet to come. Yeah. That's what I have to remember. I have to believe that that was the promise that God, made us last year was the best is yet to come.
00;36;45;16 - 00;36;55;05
Cher Ekasala
When we were like, has the best years past, like, that's terrifying, right? Right now he's like, now the best is yet to come this way.
00;36;55;12 - 00;36;55;26
Chrissy Cole
Yeah.
00;36;55;28 - 00;36;59;01
Cher Ekasala
So I'm excited. Oh, I don't know what's going to look like.
00;36;59;07 - 00;37;29;12
Chrissy Cole
That's so great. Share. Thank you so much for sharing with us. Honestly, me, thanks for going before us in this. And we get to learn from any mistakes and any victories from you first. But no, truly, it sounds like you've really, approached this with, godly mindset. Leaning into the Lord, leaning into the help that he provided through a therapist, through your relationship with your husband, and preparing yourself for the next child when you do actually become a full empty nester.
00;37;29;18 - 00;37;52;20
Chrissy Cole
And so there's so many things that, you know, that you're experiencing on a larger level that some of us moms are experiencing and other, less big ways, you know, preschool, going to preschool, send your kids off to high school, all those things. And so there's things to learn that we can just, keep with us so that we'll be prepared for when we get to where you're at.
00;37;52;20 - 00;38;12;17
Chrissy Cole
But you get to walk through it first, and we're grateful that you shared your wisdom. And we're grateful that you're just a part of our sisterhood and sharpening us, making our marriages better. And just reminding us that, hey, who are you in Christ? Who are you outside of the hats you wear? Who are you? And God?
00;38;12;17 - 00;38;32;03
Chrissy Cole
And I guess I just want to reiterate from our Pilates and prayer class, he we love because he first loved us. You are loved. Your chosen. You're accepted. Because that's who he is, you know? So. All right. Well, that was good. Thank you so much. I think it's just a breath of fresh air to have you on here.
00;38;32;06 - 00;38;51;12
Chrissy Cole
And there's more that we could talk about. Next time we. We're going to have our other friend next. Next time. Crystal shout out if she listens to this. We'll have her join us next time. But, thank you for your wisdom. But ladies, that is yet another episode of Project Sisterhood. We hope that this helps every woman, every age, every stage.
00;38;51;12 - 00;39;07;29
Chrissy Cole
I truly believe this is for every age. Every stage. So, keep listening. Like on like us on Instagram at Project Sisterhood and share the links from YouTube and we will see you or you can listen to us next time. Bye.