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Turning back the pages of history, In the yesteryears of time, there once was an empire that was mightier than any before and held land greater than any since. A culture rich in architecture, education and art, but there is so little remaining of the Great Khan's dynasty that we can't make fun of it. So to Ancient Rome instead!
Here we join Lord Caesar and his loyal assistant, confidant and friend, Senator Sensus in the famed marble palace, facing diplomatic issues, comedic characters and the burden of leadership.
From the mixed bag of stories in Getting You Home On Friday, On the Roman Nose is slapstick happy, witty, and full of humour in a collection of short and sweet episodes.
(On the Roman Nose, Episode One, Markus Rectum)
THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.
ROMAN TROOPS MARCHING, CLATTER OR ARMOUR.
A LONG BLOW OF A HORN.
A FEW MANLY GRUNTS.
VOICE: Turning back the pages of history....
WHIRRING OF PAGES.
(DRAMATICALLY AND BUILDING) In the yesteryears of time, there
once was an empire that was mightier than any before and held land
greater than any since. A culture rich in architecture, education and
art, but there is so little remaining of the Great Khan's dynasty that
we can't make fun of it. So to Ancient Rome instead!
CHEER OF CROWD
Here we join Lord Caesar and his loyal assistant, confidant and friend, Senator Sensus in the
famed marble palace.
CHEER OF CROWD, HORSE HOOVES, GENERAL RUCKUS.
CAESAR: Sensus?
SENSUS: Yes, Lord Caesar?
CAESAR: Close the window, would you, I can't think with all that cliché going on.
SENSUS: Yes, my Lord.
ELECTRONIC DOOR ACTIVATING AND CLOSING. AS IT DOES SO THE
BACKGROUND RUCKUS DIES DOWN TO NOTHING. THEN FINALLY A CAR ALARM
BEEP AS IF THE ALARM IS SETTING.
CAESAR: Much better. Now, for business. Who is first to report, Sensus?
SENSUS: It is Markus Rectus Rectum, my Lord, your Commander in Chief of the Anglo Isle.
CAESAR: Where?
SENSUS: England, my Lord.
CAESAR: Ah, of course. Very well, bring him in, Sensus.
SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call Markus Rectus Rectum!
GUARD: (DISTANT) Call Markus Rectus Rectum!
INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Markus Rectus, Markus Rectus Rectum, please report to Lord Caesar.
HUGE FANFARE OF TRUMPETS, FOLLOWED BY A CAR SKID TO STOP.
CAESAR: What a grand entrance!
MARKUS: Pardon my Lord, this tunic rides up.
CAESAR: Ave, Markus.
MARKUS: Ave Lord Caesar, greetings Senator Sensus.
CAESAR: How does the campaign fare in fair England?
MARKUS: The English my Lord have been subjected and are but putty between our toes.
SENSUS: Sounds disgusting.
MARKUS: True, but it keeps our tooties warm.
CAESAR: And of the Scots?
MARKUS: Not so well, my Lord. Last week we sent a garrison into Scotland and
not one survived the brutality of the battle.
SENSUS: Good Gods!
CAESAR: So why not send in two or three garrisons, Markus?
MARKUS: There may be two or three Scotsmen waiting.
CAESAR: Damn, how cunning.
MARKUS: However, my Lord I have started on a solution.
CAESAR: Do speak, Markus.
MARKUS: We build a wall the width of the country and shut the heather heathens out.
CAESAR: (WISELY) Or is it, that we’re shutting ourselves in?
SENSUS: I guess it’s an amphorae half-full type of question.
MARKUS: Either way, we won't have to listen to the whine of the bagpipes of an evening or the smell
of haggis cooking whilst Robbie Burns.
CAESAR: Very well. How far progressed are you?
MARKUS: A little behind.
CAESAR: Why thank you Markus, I have been working out.
MARKUS: Uh, you’re welcome my Lord.
CAESAR: Very well carry on the good work.
MARKUS: Ave.
FAN FARE, TROOPS LEAVING, WATER DOWN A DRAIN PIPE AND THEN A POP.
SENSUS: Seems a nice chap.
CAESAR: A little behind indeed.
SENSUS: Don’t let it get to your head, my Lord.
CAESAR: Someone’s jealous.
VOICE: So, we leave our Roman friends until we meet again and contemplate Nero's fiddling to a
quiet fire.
NERO: Ohhh, heheheh, mmmm, scrummy....
THEME SONG OUT.
END
Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones