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In this episode, Dani talks about her recent feeling around her leg hair. She also explains a bit about societal pressures and how they can fuck right off.
See full episode notes for links & recommendations.
Dani is honest and refreshing in her takes on the world and society. Listen as she explains how she’s come to understand the world through kindness, both towards ourselves and everything else.
[0:00] Hello friends! Welcome to Understanding Kindness, a podcast hosted by me, Dani! I’m someone who’s lived some life, and has learned to approach it through learning from everything around me. What I’ve learned along the way is to be kind and understanding to ourselves and all that’s around us. So, join me as I discuss concepts through experience, learning, growth, kindness, and understanding. I approach topics with kindness towards ourselves and everything outside of ourselves, emphasizing the importance of our need for change in this world. If I can do it, you can do it, and we can do it, together. Welcome to Understanding Kindness.
[0:39] (Theme).
[0:44] Hey there everyone! Today we’ll be discussing some feelings I’ve been having recently. I’ll admit some things to you that may be surprising, but also maybe not because some of you might guess that I’d approach the subject this way. Anyway, I’ll be talking about my recent feelings about my leg hair and how I’ve been handling those feelings. Why not just jump into it, huh?
[1:06] Alrighty, for today’s Native segment I’m taking ya back to take a look at Line 3. If you recall, Line 3 is an oil pipeline owned by Canadian oil company, Enbridge. Enbridge is attempting to construct a new pipeline carrying tar sands oil (the dirtiest oil in the world) through Alberta, “Canada”, down through Minnesota in the “US”, and into Wisconsin near Lake Superior. Not only will this pipeline cross over 200 bodies of water, including the Mississippi River (TWICE!), it’s also set to run right through Native American reservations. These reservations were set by the US government. Obviously, before the US was a thing, these “reservations” did not exist. Native tribes inhabited and cared for the land long, long before colonial invasion, so these reservations are racist and unjust. Along with these reservations came treaties that the “US” and “Canada” signed with Native tribes stating various things like sovereignty, use of the land for food, shelter, and medicine, and a term called free, prior, and informed consent (or FPIC). This means that each tribe has jurisdiction over when and how the land on a reservation will be used. In other words the “US” must get free, prior, and informed consent from tribal nations to use the land. Enbridge, the US government, and the Canadian government have been proceeding with the construction of the Line 3 pipeline without FPIC from the tribal nations whose lands they are crossing to construct the pipeline, which means that they are disregarding the very treaties that they created because of an environment-destroying pipeline. This probably won’t surprise you if you’ve listened to the This Land podcast, or the Native segments on episodes 24 and 25 of this podcast. Stop Line 3 is an Indigenous-led resistance of this pipeline and is urging people to contact US president Joe Biden to halt all construction of Line 3, similar to how the administration did for Keystone XL. Enbridge is set to begin attacking the Rivers of Northern Minnesota starting on 15 June 2021. The ground is becoming less muddy and Enbridge plans to take advantage as soon as possible. The resistance of this pipeline, and all oil pipelines, is not just about helping our Indigenous relatives, it’s about protecting our water, air, and land for generations to come. We need to think beyond ourselves and beyond this moment in time. It is vital that pipelines cease to exist, and your support in the resistance is imperative. Spread the word, write to President Biden, go to a protest in-person in Northern Minnesota. Visit the StopLine3.org website to learn more about how to use your voice to contact the US president and how and where to go to join in the resistance in-person. There’ll be a link in the episode notes.
[4:24]{Singing} *Shooouuuuut-Ooooouuuutttttsssssss*
Hey hey hey there my patrons! Thank you so so much for your continued support, it means the world to me! If you’d like to become a patron of the show, visit patreon.com/understandingkindnesspodcast.
[4:47] So, the main topic comes back to my leg hair yet again. Obviously, at least by now, I’ve been working through some stuff with my leg hair since I’ve been mentioning it in a few episodes and have been thinking about it in my daily life as well. As spring has sprung in the area I live, the weather has been getting warmer and I’ve been exposing those ankles (and most of my legs) with some cute shorts (with large pockets!). Now, even though I spent the entirety of last summer doing the exact same thing and with leg hair, I’ve still been feeling a little nervous about doing the same this summer. We’ve got different circumstances happening this summer though, particularly our ability to be around and with other human animals. Ahh yes, now we see the difference. Judgement. This is something that I didn’t have to deal with much last year as I was surrounded by people who loved me and didn’t care about it. Though this is not to say that I didn’t receive judgmental comments from members of my family about my leg hair, those just didn’t matter as much to me since those that are closest to me do not care and I’ve used that to help myself proudly be me. It really does help to have a community that supports you in who you are and everything you do.
[6:18] Anyway, back to the judgment. I am not immune to judging glances and stunned faces. Those around me may say or think otherwise, but alas I am just good at hiding it, and good at not judging myself too much. Some times these judgments that others have about my appearance may get stuck in my head, but I have learned that if it feels good for me, it shouldn’t matter what other people think, especially if they don’t know or understand why I do the things that I do. In a moment of judgment, when I can feel someone else looking at me or someone makes a snide comment to me I feel that sting, but I let it go. I sit in that uncomfortable feeling and let it wash through me. And what happens next? I come out on the other side unscathed. Let me talk you through what usually goes through my mind in these situations.
[7:16] I’ll use this example first, I was at a Goodwill on a hot summer day and was there for no more than 5 minutes when I felt the eyes of someone staring at me. I looked up and someone was staring at my legs, then back up to my face, then down to my legs, mouth agap, eyes in disbelief. This person truly could not believe what they were seeing. At first glance, this was hilarious for me. I seemed to have really blown this person’s mind, I giggled to myself a little bit. Inevitably though, I began wondering if others would start staring, would they go tell other people about what they saw today, making me the butt of their jokes, will they start pointing and make a big fuss, should I just shave to appease this one random stranger? At these thoughts, my face begins to get hot, my breathing quickens, my heart rate increases. I can feel the beating of my heart pounding in my chest, in my ears and I’m pulled back into the moment. I look around me and I look around them and nothing is happening. In fact, everyone is just going about their own business. That person actually just kept walking and now I’m here in the aftermath of those thoughts. And what do I think to myself? Those were silly thoughts. I’m glad I didn’t act on any of them. I love my leg hair and I’d be sad if I shaved it all again, just because someone looked at me funny.
[8:52] And now here’s a more personal example, this one occurred in the first few weeks or months of me not shaving my legs. My mom and sister were having a garage sale last summer that I was helping out with. I hadn’t been around my sister and her family much and I’d been letting my leg hair grow out and it was pretty long. At this point, since my mom and I lived together, my mom was hip to my new experiment and I’d answered all her questions about it. She accepted my choice. My sister and her family on the other hand were just seeing my hairy legs for the first time and they let me know how funny and yucky they thought it was. I went into the day thinking that someone would say something about it so I had been expecting the moment when someone brought it up. Even though I expected it, my face still got hot, my heart rate still started racing. I tried to keep a cool, calm demeanor and explain the questions that I was hoping were genuine. My face continued to get hot as their questions kept coming and I realized they weren’t really listening to my reasoning. I could feel the pounding of my heart in my chest, I could hear the pounding in my ears. The same types of thoughts and questions from the Goodwill incident started flooding into my head as well. This time though, it wasn’t some stranger that was just giving me a funny look, it was my family who I care deeply about and who were actually engaging me in this criticism. Of course, as family and siblings do, a lot of their talking to me about it was teasing and poking fun, but still, just as I’m sure most of us know, it gets to you and it hurts.
[10:36] This added an additional layer to it all that made this experience more intense, and prolonged. I really had to sit in these feelings of uncomfortableness while my family made me question my choices over and over again. I had to combat those thoughts of “why am I even doing this?” or “should I just shave my legs to avoid ever having to sit through this again?”. I couldn’t do anything in that specific moment, but sit there and feel ashamed. Then, something remarkable happened: someone came up to us and asked, “How much for the books over there?” Everyone turned to look at my sister’s neighbor and someone helped them out while everyone else just went back to straightening things up, looking at their phone, or reading a book. Nothing else happened. The conversation (the beratement) was over. Nothing happened. Everyone just kept going about their business. I sat there and touched my legs and thought, “but I like my leg hair, and I don’t wanna shave it.” It kind of fell out of my mind after that as I refocused my attention to the work at hand. By the end of the day I went home and it was just my mom and I. There was no judgment around my legs anymore and the thought came back, “Those were silly thoughts. I’m glad I didn’t act on any of them, and I don’t think I will. I like my leg hair and I’d be sad if I shaved it all again.”
[12:06] For me, these were really difficult experiences. I, personally, am someone that really enjoys feeling all of my emotions. Even the sad ones. I’m a little weird like that. It definitely doesn’t feel good to be sad or to be made fun of or criticized so intensely, but I enjoy sitting in those feelings, feeling all of it, letting it wash through me. It definitely helps me get through so many situations and usually come out on the other side unscathed. I’ve only recently realized that I enjoy feeling these feelings, but I’ve been sitting through them and feeling them for pretty much my whole life and that has taught me so much about what I am capable of. It’s also taught me that no matter how many times I go through those situations and those feelings, there will always be another situation like that and those feelings will still come up, no matter how many times I’ve been through a similar one before.
[13:07] So, now we’re getting into the summer months here where I live. It’s getting hot and, unlike last year, we’re able to see and be around other people. I have not shaved my leg hair in over a year now so it’s at its full length and for me, that’s pretty long. I recently began wearing shorts again since the weather has been so hot and I’ve recognized that feeling of dread that people will look at me and make fun of me or something. A feeling of embarrassment. A feeling that people will judge me. I’ve been having those same Goodwill thoughts coming back, “What are people going to think?”, “Should I just shave them to appease everyone else?”, “Will people look at me? Make fun of me?”. I really think about these things. I piece through them in my mind, over and over again. I don’t act on any of them, I just think about them. Always, eventually, because I know and understand why I don’t shave (because I DON’T WANT TO), the second round of thoughts come up next, “I am so glad I didn’t shave. I hate shaving and I love my leg hair. Fuck societal pressures.”
[14:22] For real though, fuck societal pressures. If there’s one thing you learn from listening to this podcast, I hope it’s fuck societal pressures. Societal pressures are what make me do all the things that I don’t want to do or don’t even really care about doing. And the worst part is that most of them have no good reasoning behind them, at least here in the “US”. And by good reasoning, I mean something that is required to live. Of course there are things that I do do that some societal pressures push, but I do them because I want to do them and I understand why I do them.
[14:59] For a long time I didn’t understand why I was so unhappy, why I was so depressed. As I’ve begun to learn more and more, and really tried to understand why I was so unhappy, I’ve been able to see why I felt that way and what the things or situations were that made me feel like that. What I’ve identified is that most of it was societal pressures, cultural norms that are used to shame people into conforming. I had to understand that I didn’t want those things in life and that’s okay. I had to understand that I could stand up to those societal pressures and challenge those cultural norms. Not only did I have to understand it, I had to act in opposition to those norms and pressures. Norms and pressures that both strangers and my family were placing on me, because they’ve been placed on them as well. They’re putting the pressure on you to conform so that they can be reassured that their abandonment of their self and their conforming was worth it.
[16:02] I will admit that I may have an easier time getting through that rough part where you’re just sitting in that uncomfortableness because I do find enjoyment in really feeling my emotions. That does not mean that you can’t do it too, and at some point have as easy of a time as me. I think it’s much easier for me now because I’ve been doing it my whole life, I’ve been practicing over and over. I’m notoriously difficult to embarrass, at least outwardly. Like I said, I’m not impervious to these feelings of embarrassment or judgment, I’ve just learned and practiced how to sit with the feelings, not act on them right away, and deny succumbing to the pressure. Not shaving my leg hair is just one example of situations like these. I do lots of things that evoke the same responses from other people: using a handkerchief, using my silverware that I carry with me when everyone else is using disposable cutlery, wearing what I want when I want. All of these things have evoked similar reactions from others at one point or another, and I kept doing them because I knew why I did them and I find that life goes on, and hopefully they’ll begin thinking about why they choose to do things in their life as well. I told you about these experiences today to show you that it will be difficult at times to stand up against those pressures and they don’t stop coming, but you can do it and afterwards life will go on. You’ll be much happier in the end when you stick with your choices and defy that pressure, you’ll feel stronger afterwards, and that’ll make all the difference.
[17:52] {Singing} *Recommendaaaationsssss*
For our recommendations today, first I want to recommend that you understand why you make the choices you make and stick to them. Societal pressures and cultural norms will not stop coming, but you are strong enough to combat them if they’re making you unhappy.
Next, is my recommendation of the This Land podcast. Learn about Indian law and how the “US” disregards it’s own promises and continues trying to genocide entire Nations of People. Definitely worth checking out!
Lastly, my recommendation to stand in resistance to the Line 3 oil pipeline (and all oil pipelines for that matter). To learn more about how you can join in the resistance of Line 3 by writing a letter to US president Joe Biden, or by sharing information about Line 3 and its Indigenous-led resistance, or by putting your body on the line in-person if you can, visit StopLine3.org.
[18:59] If you enjoyed this episode, help support the podcast! All this content is free and I’d love to make it my job one day, so if you’re financially able join our patreon or send a one-time or recurring donation through paypal! You can also share an episode with family or friends, and give UK a kind rating and review!
Check out UnderstandingKindness.com for all episodes, transcripts, and blog posts. And why not take a listen to my other podcast, Better When Awkward, co-hosted by my childhood best friend Jasmine!
Get in touch with me by emailing UnderstandingKindness@protonmail.com, or through social media. You can find all links in the episode notes.
For now, be kind, be compassionate, be understanding, and question everything. I’ll be here. Thank you for listening to this episode of Understanding Kindness. [End transcript]