The Knowing - Part 1

Kirby reflects on her alcohol addiction as she nears 5 years of sobriety. She takes you through her late teens to her mid 30’s as she recalls memories that started out seemingly fun and escalated into desperation - the knowing of her inability to ever moderate becoming an adult anguish she needed to rectify. Relatable, funny and raw, the knowing represents that inner voice that never lies- no matter how hard you try to drown it out. 

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Real talk, raw truth and a little sparkle ✨ Kirby discuses sex, relationships, ditching alcohol and what it means to really be happy 🌸

Hey, it's Kirby Myers and you're
listening to Behind the Blonde.

So last week on the first episode,
the launch episode, I gave

you guys a lot of information.

I sort of had to summarize, the last
seven years of my life, which so much

has happened, from divorce to remarriage,
from addiction to sobriety, from feeling

lost, to opening my dream business.

Eating disorders to finally loving myself.

And as we move forward throughout
the season, we're gonna dive deep

into specific topics, but I feel like
it's really important to talk about

my story of addiction and how it led
to where I'm at now, which is almost

five years, alcohol and nicotine free.

So that was the moment in my life
deciding to remove alcohol for good.

That really put me on the trajectory
that I'm now on, this was originally

a column behind the blonde, so writing
was something that really saved

me when I first gave up drinking.

I highly recommend anybody out there
that's sober, curious or questioning

their relationship with alcohol,
even if it's something that you

wanna try for a week or a month.

Write down how you're feeling , mentally,
honestly, was more of the compelling

reason for me to give up drinking.

I mean, physically I felt like shit,
don't get me wrong, but mentally the

anxiety was crippling so I looked
back at something that I wrote

when I was pretty deep into it.

When I came into the knowing,
as I called it, the knowing.

That I was not okay.

The knowing that I had a problem,
but I wasn't quite ready yet.

I would face myself in the mirror
every night and lie to myself

that I wasn't gonna drink again.

I wrote this when my
kids were really young.

And I was in my full
knowing of having a problem.

I call it my trifecta booze, until I'm
just properly buzzed a little marijuana

or the dope as my mom calls it, and about
four or five cigarettes along the way.

My nighttime ritual was my porch time.

It was my me time.

During both pregnancies, I would stop
partying, of course, only to inevitably

find myself back in the same place.

After having each kid, who could
you be if you just stopped?

I asked myself this question
more times than I can recall.

At first, it was more of a curiosity.

Who could this person looking
in the mirror grow to be?

Then as time passed, it became a nightly
anguish, a pain, so deep, a reflection

in the glass, staring back at me after
steam showering off the stench of booze

and cigarettes, and aggressively brushing
my teeth before crawling into bed.

A woman I no longer knew.

A woman I didn't wanna be, I
needed to stop with nobody.

The wiser I could feel my body changing,
my skin dehydrating my energy levels

decreasing, my patience, thinning,
and worst of all, the huge imaginary

bat I would mentally beat myself up
with when the evening wrapped and it

was time to crawl into bed knowing I'm
a high functioning substance abuser.

Knowing.

I hate myself in this moment sitting on
the toilet, concentrating way too hard on

trying to pee because even though I know
I have to, for some reason, the effects

of the trifecta make it difficult to start
the stream, the riled anxiety and shame

asking myself, why did I do this again?

When I told myself this
morning I wouldn't.

I would take the night
off and get to bed early.

Knowing I'll sleep like crap, but
when I wake up in the morning, I'll

brush into my kids' room with
a smile, play with them, make

them breakfast, get them off to
school on time, and be productive.

At least what I thought
productive was back then.

And of course, tell myself tonight.

I won't drink only to find myself
inevitably pouring one round 6:00

PM just to take the edge off.

And let's be real.

As I've stated already, it
was never just one, but I know

deep down I want to be better.

I can be better, more present,
more full, more aware.

More alive.

I never could moderate my drinking
from as long as I can remember.

I was never that girl that just
had a glass of wine with dinner.

Oh, how lovely That would've been.

I had three brothers and I always
wanted to beat the boys for as long

as I could remember growing up, I had
to run faster, jump higher, and that.

Subsequently translated as we got
older into wanting to go drink for

drink with them and they were big
guys, they could handle their drinks.

So I remember one night when I think
I was 19 or 20, we were back in the

guest house of my parents' house in New
Hampshire and we had 15 Bacardi shots.

, 15.

And I sort of laugh and smile, not
because I'm proud of myself, but I'm

just thinking, what was I thinking?

How did I not end up on the
floor in a pool of vomit?

How did I not get my stomach pumped?

And that was the weird thing.

I could always handle so much liquor.

It was unbelievable.

I'm not saying I didn't get
fucked up from the floor up.

I'm just saying the amount of
alcohol I could put down was.

Crazy.

I mean, I was the girl that was
always dancing on the tables.

How I remember getting kicked out of
the same club in Boston at one of my

girlfriend's birthdays three different
times, and somehow convincing a different

bouncer or a different doorman to let
me back in until I got kicked out again.

I just could never stop.

I never wanted the party to end, and when
it did end, I would always find myself.

Back on a porch, drinking alone, having
one or two more drinks, a few more

cigarettes, having a bowl to take me down.

I was a Marlborough red
100 smoker, by the way.

I am what you would call an extremist,
but when I had children, of course

I switched to light blue American
spirits because you know, that was

obviously the healthier choice.

So I did end up getting in a
really bad car accident when

I was 19 and I was wasted.

It's one of those moments I'll
always think about for the rest

of my life, why I didn't pick
up the phone and call my father.

It was the end of a long shift at work.

I was exhausted, but it was late
and I'd been drinking a lot, and

he's the kind of guy I could have
called in the middle of the night.

Told him, dad, I need a ride,
and he would've jumped outta

bed, gotten me not been mad, not
punished me, not giving me shit.

He would've been proud of me.

He would've said, Kirby.

Good job.

Thanks for calling, doing the right thing.

But I did not call him that
night, and my head through a

windshield at 90 miles per hour.

Thank God I did not hurt anybody else.

A passerby pulled over, got me out of
the car, and I got glass in my eye.

Shudder to think about that.

Still needed stitches in my eye.

I broke my nose.

I had staples in my leg.

But I had convinced this guy who
stopped to call my dad, I knew.

I knew that if I got in the ambulance,
they would take my blood alcohol

level and I would be screwed.

I'd be going to jail.

So I convinced him to call my dad.

I convinced my dad that I had just fallen
asleep at the wheel that I was tired.

He drove me to the hospital.

I got there and four hours later they took
my blood alcohol level and it was a 0.28,

which we all know.

Oh eight is the legal limit.

So the doctors at that point pulled my
parents aside and said, Hey, I think

your daughter has a drinking problem.

She was able to convince you at the
scene, the paramedics, the cops,,

everybody that you know, she wasn't
drinking and obviously she was.

So that should have been a
turning point for me, for sure.

But it wasn't.

But back in that day too,

drinking heavily was kind
of a rite of passage.

I wasn't a big drinker in high
school, but once I graduated,

um, we moved up to New Hampshire.

I got in with kind of a, a
little bit of a rough crowd,

experimented with a lot of things.

Luckily nothing really
stuck, but the drinking.

Um, and I loved to just party my ass
off and I wouldn't do it every day,

but when I did it, I really did it.

You know, back then it was like, if you
didn't at least brown out, let alone

blackout, you didn't have a good night.

I mean, everybody would wake up the
next morning you'd swap stories and

oh my God, I forgot I did that.

Oh shit.

. It was just.

Kind of everybody drank a lot.

It was not like today where people
realize it's so bad for you.

I'm so grateful.

That's one of the, I think, best things
about raising my kids in this generation.

While there's so many other horrible
things going on, we know now how bad

alcohol is for you, and we always knew
then, but they glamorized it, right?

I mean, you looked at any of your favorite
TV shows or your favorite characters.

They always had a glass of
wine in their hand a second.

And did you notice they never got drunk?

Their voice never slurred,
their eyes never closed.

It was like they could just have their
drinks and go on, and it was totally fine.

It was marketed to us.

It was just kind of what you did.

I mean, thirsty Thursday was a
thing, i'd have a beer and a shot.

I loved my tequila, so I'd get a
chilled patron shot and a Miller Light,

and I'd make my rounds and kind of.

Prowl and see if there was any cute guys.

So that was like drinking for me.

Then, you know, I always was excessive.

I was always an extremist,
but I always went to work.

We actually had family restaurants.

I was the manager.

I was very responsible.

I always showed up very on top of it.

And then I moved to Key West after
we closed those at 26 and shortly

after I met my now ex-husband.

He was 19 years older than me.

Also a big drinker, but he had a
big job, traveled, you know, went

to work, took care of a lot of
things, and he corded me for a while.

This wasn't like love at first sight.

But there was something about him
that was charming and alluring and I

finally gave in, and he was the guy
that had a record player in every room.

He loved music, he could cook, loved
to cook, entertain, would play jazz.

Sunday mornings, we'd wake up and
he'd present me with a chilled glass

of MOA and he'd prepare this big
brunch and we'd have people over and

we'd go swimming, and it was just.

I was kind of caught up in this
whole lifestyle, and at that

time drinking was really fun.

But when I got to Key West,
drinking was the lifestyle, right?

I mean, it's like never land here.

It can be now 14 years later
that I've been on the island.

There are so many people
that have removed alcohol.

There's such a big sober community
or alcohol free community,

and it's awesome to see.

But at the time, that wasn't really here.

It was kind of everything you
did was around drinking even.

You know what?

Later when I became a mom, you know,
birthday parties, I was like, what's this?

There's a birthday party at the
park and everyone's having mimosas

like at 10:00 AM This is crazy.

But then eventually you have the
mimosa and it becomes normal.

So it was at first just a really fun
kind of thing I was working in the bars.

I ended up getting a job at a radio
station down here because I'd been

working on air up in New Hampshire.

So I wanted to continue that.

And then we got pregnant.

Okay.

And then he proposed and we
ended up getting married when

my son was five months old.

So we got married in my parents'
backyard in New Hampshire.

It was this intimate
wedding, like 60 people.

That's all I wanted.

My mom, a non-drinker.

Both of my parents don't drink, so
that was kind of interesting too.

My dad's mom was an alcoholic.

Though, and very tragically,
he, uh, dropped out of a heart

attack in front of her at 20.

So I think that she, because
of that, she just never drank.

She stayed away from it.

And then my dad met her, and
so he didn't drink either.

So it was really interesting that
me and my two younger brothers were

kind of always, um, big drinkers.

So when we got married, I knew my
mom was taking care of the baby.

I look back, there's certain things
in life that I've forgiven myself for,

but I still shudder a little bit when
I reflect, and that's one of them.

I don't have a single
picture of me and my son at.

The marriage of me and his
father, and that's sad.

I mean, my priority was drinking
with the girlfriends, getting

ready, starting at noon.

I had a shot before I
walked down the aisle.

Oh my God, my college roommate.

Titties.

We called each other titties.

Don't ask.

That's another story.

But she came and we used
to love doing body shots.

I only went to college for one
semester, but I made a mark and I

remember I pulled my dress up at my
wedding where my five month old son

was, and she did a body shot off of me.

I mean, what.

It's I, I was crazy.

I was crazy.

But if you asked any of the guests, they
were probably like, oh, she was fine.

Kirby was having a blast.

She was the life of the party,
but I was the last man standing.

Everybody went to bed, even my
husband at the time, and I was

with my girlfriend Amelia, we were
sitting by the fire and I was still

drinking, still having my cigarettes
at like two o'clock in the morning.

Then I had my daughter
pretty quickly after that.

They're two years apart.

It was after I had her when the
knowing started to creep in, when

the, the fun drinking became, oh wow.

I'm, I'm depressed.

I think something's going on here.

This is not okay.

I need to drink every night
to get through the day.

I'm thinking about having that drink.

I have anxiety.

I'm lonely.

My marriage was one that I had realized
after the facade had faded of being

swept up into just this lifestyle and
going, okay, now we're a family unit.

And I have these two tiny kids.

While he was a provider, he was gone
all the time and I was met with the very

harsh reality of being so fucking lonely.

I was so lonely, and I was in this
huge house, this gorgeous house.

These two beautiful kids.

I loved being a mom.

We would go all the time on our little
adventures and I would sometimes take off

for six hours a day in the double stroller
and just go roam around Key West and

the night would come and I had a really
good, tight knit group of girlfriends.

We all had kids around the same age.

Every Thursday they would come
over, we'd do somebody's house.

A lot of times it was our house 'cause
it was a great entertaining house.

And we'd all have drinks and the kids
would play, but then they would go home.

And I would put the kids to
bed and I'd go retreat to the

porch and I'd keep drinking.

And that was the thing
I didn't talk about.

That was the thing that,
that they didn't know.

They knew Kirby could drink.

They knew I loved to drink, but they
didn't know that I was still drinking

two hours after they left by myself.

So I would sit with that on the porch
and I would know this is not okay.

So I realized , I, I've gotta fix this.

This is not who I wanna be.

I was showing up every day.

I had, you know, a community
friends, I was on the radio.

Life seemed amazing, but I was dying
inside and something had to give.

So we were in therapy, my husband and I
at the time, and I remember the moment.

That I really knew it was over was when
the therapist asked us both, what's

the one thing you really need from
the other person in this relationship?

And I remember thinking, this is easy.

I need a partner, I need a cheerleader.

I need a best friend.

I need somebody who sees me.

And he turned to my ex and
said, well, what do you need?

And he said.

I wish she would spend less time
taking the kids on her adventures

and more time tending to the house.

You wanna talk about a polarizing moment?

I mean, that's really
when I knew it was over.

Shortly after that I wrote
something actually, like just

in the notes on my phone.

So many people kind of knew me in town and
I had sort of a, a, you know, a reputation

of this life and, and entertaining
and, I felt like a con artist in a way.

And I was also just really struggling.

With, how do I go on like this?

I can't, I need to say it out loud.

I need to be able to breathe.

I felt suffocated, so I just,
one afternoon felt inspired and

wrote something on my phone and I
remember it started, hi, I'm Kirby.

I'm a wife, I'm a mother, I'm
a radio dj, and the next line

said, hi, I'm Kirby, I'm anxious.

I'm depressed and I
drink more than I should.

And it went on from there and I realized
that I needed to put it out publicly.

I just felt compelled to.

There was just something inside me that
said, I have to put this out there.

And shortly before that, I had gone to
my husband at the time and I had told

him that I had a drinking problem.

I told him that I needed help.

I had called Betty Ford.

I had looked into a 30 day rehab program.

I knew that he would.

You know, with his travel
schedule, we would need help.

So the conversation
initially went really well.

We came back to the house and I asked
him to call my parents with me, and

he never really had a close or great
relationship with my parents, but

I said, can we call them together?

I was just really nervous to call them
and I said, Hey guys, I need your help.

I need you to come down here and I
need you to take care of the kids.

I'm gonna go to rehab.

And I need to do this, I have a problem.

And everybody agreed we had a plan.

And shortly after that I had brought
it up to my husband again and he sort

of dismissed it, sort of poo-pooed it.

And I had like a full on panic attack.

I stopped breathing.

I was like, what?

Are you kidding me?

So.

I had written this, this column, and
I had seen that the local newspaper

had like an ad on the back of it
that said we're hiring, and I just

thought, oh, cool, for like writers.

So I reached out and inquired
and I got a call or a text.

I got a text from the
publisher of the paper.

He was somebody that I knew
but didn't know super well.

I'd interviewed him on my radio
show before and he said, Hey.

Um, he thought I was looking for
a sales position and I said, no.

'cause I did.

Sales at the radio station
as well as being on air.

I said, no, I'm not looking
for a sales position.

I actually wrote something and
thought maybe you'd be interested

in putting it in the paper.

And he said, well, do you
wanna meet for coffee?

I said, I'd love to.

So we met for coffee and
there was this crazy instant.

Connection and I had felt it when
I interviewed him at the radio

station about eight months prior.

We just kind of talked and flowed
and it was really easy and seamless,

but I never put more thought into
it because I was married with two

small kids and I had a lot going on.

I was actively in therapy with my husband.

It was just something that I kind
of put aside and then at that point,

flash forward, we're sitting there
for coffee and I hadn't shown this to

anybody and I really didn't know this.

Guy from Adam and I handed him
my phone and I said, here it is.

And I ran in the bathroom and I hid
while he read it, like a little dodo.

And I came out and he
went, this is amazing.

I wanna publish this and I want
to create a column out of it.

And I said, well, okay, let's
call it behind the blonde.

So that's now my husband, but I'm
gonna leave you with that for today.

We'll finish up next week.

Thanks for tuning in to Behind The Blonde.

I'm Kirby Myers.