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During the pandemic, your relationships have gone through a major test.
On this transmission I share the factors to consider if you want to come out of this winning or losing when it comes to feeling safe and secure at home.
Welcome to the TriggerProof podcast.
This is the first season of the Podcast which are audio renditions of
Facebook Live Video Transmissions done for the “TriggerProof” Facebook Community.
These were set up by request of our community members who wanted an opportunity to listen
to insights, tools, and strategies to help heal relationship dynamics, deepen intimacy,
and master the fine art of Autonomic Nervous System Regulation so that we can build resilience,
heal from the past, and become active operators of our mind, body, and life.
This first season wasn’t designed to be a podcast, so you’ll notice the audio isn’t
Professional Studio Quality (like it is on season 2 as we’ve upgraded incrementally).
These trainings are designed to introduce and deepen you to the most critical 2 skills we’ve never been taught:
1) The skill and practice of taking our triggers (Nervous System Activations) and turning them into deeper safety and self-love,
2) The skill and practice of taking conflict (that happens in any relationship) and turning them into deeper intimacy between the parties involved.
Not learning these two critical skills at this time in history costs us dearly: Physical and Mental health is on the DECLINE.
Doing this deep level of healing work can break the cycle of Intergenerational Trauma that didn’t start with you.
It didn’t start with you, but it can end with you,
#Cyclebreaker.
______________________________________________________________________
Join my Facebook Group to help you understand yourself, control your triggers, regulate your nervous system and know what's keeping you stuck in these times of crisis:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/triggerproof
good evening namaste I decided to hit the go live button and to put together this training and uh just spur of the moment it's Thursday Wednesday evening at around 9 00 pm and I've just been talking with a lot of people in my in our with our clients who uh you know have historically struggled with attachments in relationships and we're in the conversation of healing attachment wounds and everybody wants a healthy relationship that feels secure everybody wants this this is what we desire We crave the most We crave this experience where we feel safe in the in a relationship you know we feel like we want to have this closeness this ability to share our innermost desires our feelings our fears but you know because of our history because of our experiences in our past we're taking off the mask and being vulnerable and sharing our truth has potentially been harmful to us we've experienced kind of an experience of rejection we then have to adapt to these experiences in our uh relationships and we start putting on a mask to make sure that we get our needs met and so this conversation of healing relationships healing toxicity in relationships healing that limbo State should I stay should I go seeing these patterns happening again and again and again no matter who you're dating it warrants us to have this conversation of about of attachments and I was going from one relationship to another having the exact same experience to the point where I was like what the [ __ ] going on here it you know I I can't be it can't be them I I was blaming it on them all all women are this okay and it turns out when I learn my attachment style I was showing up as an insecure avoidant so it's like whoa what the hell is that well it as it turns out um because of my attachment wounds because of my childhood traumas traumas with the big T traumas with a small t uh even separation for prolonged periods of time which is what I experienced is a form of trauma I didn't know that I didn't have you know these horrific traumatic memories like many people do and yet I was still showing up with these patterns as it turns out the experience that I had not being with my mother for a couple of months at Within the age of two when I was two years old before I was even verbal had a profound impact of my on my nervous system and the relationship that I had with my parents I have a twin brother the competition for um for attention and that experience of not feeling like I was having enough was enough to lay an imprint on my nervous system that caused me to show up and and have similar repetitive patterns and after my first marriage that didn't go so well about we divorced in 2011 uh I started on a tear dating the same person again and again now my attachment style in secure avoidant was a perfect match for our conversation today anxious attached and I'm gonna go into on this uh on this training I'm going to go into what it looks like when you're showing up as an anxious attached how you show up in relationships so that you can see and observe your behavior and realize that there's nothing wrong with you you're not alone there's totally an answer a solution if you're willing to get uncomfortable if you're willing to tell the truth if you're willing to take a step and expose your shame a little bit because we have so much shame around this conversation and I just want to normalize it for you so that you realize there's nothing wrong with you you have adapted beautifully as a result of the connection that you had with your parents and the relationship that you observe them have all of a sudden kind of sets the tone for all of your relationships how did they do conflict how were their nervous systems were they in a place of um resource were they in their hearts or were they at the effect of their own childhood woundings chances are if you were anything like most people you had parents that didn't have healthy attachments themselves there was some level of codependency going on there was a an experience where home life was a [ __ ] show of some sort or you didn't have a mother didn't have a father didn't weren't raised with your mother or your father and unknowingly because of these experiences deep in your nervous system what ends up happening is you don't have um any awareness of this but your nervous system starts to get pulled towards familiar experiences what you thought you you know what you got as a child will be what you expect as a teenager an adult and you don't really know it's there until you get into relationships and you start getting into attachments and if you had the experience if you had the experience where you didn't have a mother who had constant
consistency okay you didn't have a mother who um I've just got some I got some notes here that I wanted to to share here it's this experience two things object constancy I want you to write this down object constancy and permanence okay so when Mom comes back she goes away she comes back and she's the same person did you ever have the experience mom goes away and comes back you don't know what what version of mom is going to show up there isn't a consistency there isn't a predictability that Mom is going to return the same way okay as as there was walking out like a continuity of predictability anxious attachment essentially fundamentally comes from a break in permanence and constancy that you know this experience of on-again off-again parenting on again off-again responsiveness that leaves this experience in the body and the nervous system of the child of a sense of anxiety will love really be there and you'll experience stress when a partner separates from you because you don't know because your body the child inside of you doesn't know if they're coming back when they're coming back who's coming back and that in and of itself is the foundation of the history and the presentation of how you're going to uh the history of how anxious attachment will happen this experience where you had to kind of perform or show up or help or fix in order to feel like you had an identity or receive love this feeling of of kind of like an abandonmental emotional abandonment even from an absent caregiver parent emotionally absent maybe you had a parent die uh maybe there was a a brother or a sister of yours who was super duper sick and all of a sudden your parents just were distraught weren't able to emotionally attune to you you had to step up and kind of fix maybe it was to step up and be the caregiver emotionally to a parent also called emotional incest any of these scenarios are what will create any of these scenarios are what will create an anxious or what's called ambivalent type of attachment style you'll actually show up having like a difficulty in receiving you'll feel stressed lonely abandoned uh and angry when you're alone this is how the anxious attached starts to adapt okay it's really this big open with this big open heart with a very fragile open heart right because you're expecting to be abandoned it's so familiar it's in your body you have a deep desire to be close to your partner but you have this paralyzing fear of of losing the relationship you become obsessed you start overthinking things and sometimes you might even notice yourself picking fights with your partner after absences because you know you're waiting for your arrival or something like that and you'll just pick a fight because you don't know what to do with these emotions you're looking and seeing that person that you need so much you become so needy you need that person so much that you lose yourself and you resent them for it right so you start picking fights right and you're so terrified of Abandonment that you uh will merge with your partner's wants and needs you know you know if you you everybody knows somebody who when they start dating somebody new all of a sudden they're chained they change their taste in music clothes fashion everything becomes merged with the other person and that that's in an effort to keep yourself safe that's trying to create a sense of belonging unknowingly what you're doing is you're abandoning yourself this is the secret behind the anxious uh attached is that this fear of Abandonment is happening because you as a young child had to learn to betray and abandon yourself to get your needs met so no matter what you get outside from the outside you will never feel like it's enough and you have now gotten to a place where um somebody pulls away pulls their love away it's this familiar you'll get butterflies and you'll mistake that for love it's just familiarity and when somebody who's secure who's showing up for you is there boom instantly you will not be sexually attracted to them you will not have this pull towards them because they're there it's the longing and the craving that you desire and if somebody's showing up consistent you're just not getting those butterflies because you're extremely attached to the butterflies and that is part of our you know adapted adolescent inside of us who craves that intensity now this all makes for a beautiful drama story because you get to play out this role with this with the parent who is like okay you know they're pulling away but I'm gonna keep trying because I'm gonna win my dad's love I'm gonna win my mom's love I'm gonna eventually through you unconsciously I see you and you're pulling away and it reminds me so much of my mom and my dad that I'm gonna fight tooth and nail to win your love because that's when I get to win Daddy's love finally because if I can do that then I can get complete with my dad or my mom and this is the Trap of the anxious ambivalent what happens is you will attract somebody like me who is an anxious avoidant excuse me who is an insecure avoidant who will deeply want connection but soon as it comes close and the slightest hint of neediness happens back up distancer and then I can run away and because I really need the validation externally I'm gonna date somebody like you who has a a tendency of neediness and I see your neediness I need your neediness so that I can validate myself because I have such low self-esteem just like you do that I need somebody so needy like you to validate me and as soon as I get it and as soon as I win it I got the validation I don't need to work for it anymore it's boring it's the act of actually working for love that I have mistaken for love because of my attachment wounds and this is how the anxious and the avoidant are perfect toxic matches for one another and this I was playing this unconscious dynamic in this game with anxious attached Partners so normally the clients who who reach out to me and work they want to work with me is like oh my God you remind me of my my ex you are my ex I need to work with you because I like I think that you can help me I'm like I know I I was your ex I have worked through it and now have created a secure and stable relationship and so I'm able to um I'm able to appreciate those tugs and pulls that my anxious my avoidance self really likes to co-create and now because I've learned how to regulate it I've now created a secure relationship and I have a family now and this was impossible for me and it took me a long took me long enough one divorce eight or nine failed relationships later and finally at the age of 44 yeah the age of 44 I got married for the second time and we have a beautiful son named Dominic and so he's four months old and I'm so grateful that I went through that process because I thought that there was no hope for me I thought that I was always going to fall into these same Cycles same pattern same conversation talk where I where I would have this dreaded conversation where my anxious attached Partners we need to talk can we talk about the relationship and I'm like oh [ __ ] get me out of here with the talking about the relationship until I realized how to heal those wounds Within Myself and the person that I change that I attracted was completely different never once did she have to ask me so where is this relationship going she basically came in and she was Secure as well once I became secure she's secure she basically comes in she goes well these are this is what I'm looking for and and if that's not what you can give me that that's okay you know I desire you this is what she basically said this is what was was the kicker for me I desire you but I'm willing to walk away whoa that is powerful that is a secure relation that is a secure individual that individual gets what they want as far as relationships go that is your work your work my job is to help guide people into their secure selves where take it or leave it this is what I want and I'm here as a sovereign individual knowing my value knowing my worth because I've healed those attachment traumas and attachment wounds that have had me show up as needy and insecure and now I really really really really want to contribute I have so much to contribute in myself that I am now calling in somebody who's going to treat me to the exact same reverence commitment and love that I have been giving myself and that's when magic happens in your life when you can get to that point and this is secure relationship this is what a secure relationship is like the problem is when you don't go there when you don't heal those attachment wounds and go towards those younger parts of you that you forgot that you had to kind of that you're ashamed of that you basically swept under the rug in service of kind of getting approval for other people when when that part of you is still left unchecked and unconnected you um you basically feel stress every time a partner leaves you you feel uh you have this yearning for someone and constantly yearning for people that you can't have emotionally unavailable people people who are married consistent or people who are long distance you're just like oh one long distance after another there's so always a barrier to that somebody that you feel that you can't have it's not because of them it's because it's not because you've attracted them it's because based on the patterns in your nervous system you are attracted to them it's not because you attract them you're actually attracted to them because you can't have them because the longing is deep in your nervous system so what happens is you'll over function and over adapt over over accommodate to others in in this attempt to stabilize the connection because you know that it's not safe the the fear of loss is so intense you will do do do do do do do do and run yourself ragged and you you're completely out of flow completely and you're masculine needy energy you completely over focus on the other and you lose yourself in the relationship because you can't say no you you have difficulty saying no and setting boundaries and you're constantly second-guessing yourself and you're feeling insecure all the time and you're like wow this relationship is exhausting right whether you're with them you're anxious well you like the close proximity each time that there's a lovemaking session it's like oh yes I won Daddy's love ah but then when it pulls away you go through the other side and it's kind of like a bipolar existence and you're exhausted and your adrenals are burning out you're looking in a mirror going who the [ __ ] am I you know what I mean you give more than you get and you get resentful of a lack of fair Exchange you know it's it's it's difficult it's really difficult but when you learn of the few key transitions and you learn to regulate that nervous system clear those past resentments and heal those attachment wounds from your mother father brother sister previous relationships and you take all of those broken attachments that you're stutter still like wires like cables that are broken and you work on repairing those from the Primitive all of a sudden your stability and security start to to to merge all of these fractured fractured cell fragmented parts of yourself the needy Part of Yourself the low self-esteem part all of those parts you actually are able to bring in to yourself and hold them and give them the approval that you're looking for outside and all of a sudden everything starts to change you feel safer in your body you're able to look in a mirror and say I love you you're able to say no you're able to say no this is what I'm looking for and if you're not available for that I want you but I don't need you I'm willing to walk away so you're able to show desire without abandoning yourself I guarantee you if every single relationship that you have abandoned yourself for to get into eventually is is done they will leave you guaranteed because there's no real you to grab onto you've already lot your soul has left your body so this is like a it's like falling in love with a soulless individual and I'm not trying to shame you it's and because it's not you
the abandonment you you are receiving from those other people from your past from your past lovers are simply a reflection of the abandonment that you have been unconsciously through no fault of your own yet it's your responsibility that you've unconsciously been abandoning yourself there are basically reflections and so you're accustomed to a lack of love you say okay get treated like [ __ ] you're like okay you're going into pleasing mode all the time you give and you're waiting for reciprocity you get low self-esteem and unworthiness you feel like you have to earn love and you're attracted you're actually attack you're you get attracted to actually having to work for it if somebody's there who's like a secure person like you're not really ready for that reminds me of the show shit's creek um where um what's her name Alexis uh starts dating Ted Ted is the veterinarian he's a secure guy well he's a little anxious attached right she's playing the avoidant in that relationship but she's an anxious attached in the relationship with mutt I don't know if you've ever watched it but I'm watching the dynamic and she left the really good secure guy to be with kind of an aloof [ __ ] who's not all there right and through a process of her own healing and transformation she was able to really see the vet Ted and really love the guy I just got into shit's creek like a month ago since you know the Christmas holidays and everything and so I absolutely love that show and I now look at it everything through of my my lens of the nervous system so Alexis when she did her healing work was able to then recognize a secure relationship and then you know fall in love and and have security you don't need the intensity when you have security the intensity that we're looking for in those chemicals is a drug that's the drug we're chasing after which is the craving that we had to perform for when we were children that's a trauma Bond it's not love it's not like love at first sight it's a trauma Bond and so true secure relationship takes time to develop and isn't necessarily love at first sight with Sparks it's in it might be interest or it might not even be anything at all but it grows here's the key true secure love is like a warm cup of oatmeal it feels safe and it actually grows over time and there's deep intimacy and safety to take off the mask and be yourself and there's Safe physical touch you don't feel anxious when you're with them you don't feel anxious when you're separating from them there's there's this looking forward to to spending time with one another in this deep warm regard for one another and that's everybody's Birthright and what I've discovered now is that it's a choice it's a choice for you to create this type of um relationship you shifting caused your nervous system to attract something differently me shifting caused me to be able to look at what I used to get attracted to and see right through it and um I was able to see and sense a secure person and go wow this feels safe and she wasn't needy she wasn't a wounded bird that I had to fix she was just it was just it felt safe it felt so comfortable and here's the best it has it is continually growing over time in other words last month we don't have like less love and intimacy for one another once I you learn the magic of the nervous system and you learn these tools you actually feel more connected over time and even something like having a child and me who was like having to focus on sex each time it was sex was like my my drug and my way of connecting and now we haven't had as I've had less sex now over the last four months than I have had over the last like 30 years of my life okay it's like because of the baby because of fatigue because like but I've had more intimate moments right and this is the function of a secure relationship it's that it's not based on uh surface level stuff it's it's really strange and I never understood this until like only a few years ago when I started learning this work learning how to heal with that those younger parts so what do you do how do you heal with those younger Parts well Leslie this is all true you're there it'd be really great for you to share what your experience was like we have the overview experience that's coming up when you click the link if you're watching on replay um or on YouTube this is a workshop that we do at the end of each month it is a five hour deep dive into healing with your attachment traumas it's it's healing at the deepest core level by getting you to unpack and understand your life from the perspective not just of your life but from your parents parents parents so that you could see that you're not actually a victim you are called to heal and break that cycle this group this community is about the conversation of breaking the cycles of intergenerational trauma that didn't start with you and didn't start with your parents your parents were Clueless and when I am so privileged to be able to lead a community of self-healers here I have a another link here I'm doing another link here at the bottom sorry here where we have an Orthodox Jewish Family in our program and just beautiful started off with the father and working with him and he had such a huge transformation Orthodox Jew completely living in a system intergenerational trauma living kind of in a codependency with his wife he transforms so much that within a few months of healing his attachment wounds they're like wow you're totally different um both his wife and 29 year old daughter started working with us and together they're breaking down the cycles and having really uncomfortable conversations about challenging traumatic moments when they were when you know she was younger there was a talk of abortion she got pregnant and it was it was a disaster of a marriage and mom was like get an abortion get an abortion get an abortion because she loves her daughter so much and wanted to you know make life easier for her you know having a child because she was divorced right after she got pregnant decided to get an annulment so she's like well I don't want my daughter to have a child out of wedlock have an abortion and you know this was a traumatic time for her trying to decide but she went within her heart had the baby and this baby has been the light of everybody's life and there's been some deep unresolved guilt and resentment and shame and as a community we're literally watching it unpack together and heal those attachment wounds that basically have us showing up as codependently enmeshed with other people losing and abandoning ourselves our definition our boundaries throwing them out the window because we are so deathly afraid of rejection that we will betray ourselves for what to become and say and do something so that um people other people can see us differently even if it means you know uh ending the life of a child right and I this is not a conversation of abortion I'm sure there's plenty of times in certain cases I'm not I'm not judging I'm just saying as long as you're very very um clean and coherent with the why behind why you're doing it then I have no qualms I have no judgment about it but I'm I want to encourage you to really understand that the stories that we tell about about pregnancy about marriage about these traumas of who we marry and why who whether we have children and why we have children think about this who you married and why why did you have children okay those questions which are basically the fundamentals of the building blocks of family are never addressed and they are the cause of intergenerational trauma how how many you know ask yourself this question do you know why your parents had had you are you aware of the reason why your parents had you as a child was it an oopsie Daisy was it uh so that they could you know look good because it was expected of them when you really when we really unpack this question we realize that the reason why people have kids um it they're not really conscious of or it it's an it's a it's an selfish egoic reason it's somehow this child is going to help me meet my needs get my needs met and unfortunately what we discover is that as soon as we have a child that child is not here to meet our needs far from your this child does not give a flying flock about my my four-month-old does not give two shits about what my needs are I can tell you that he gives a lot of [ __ ] but he doesn't give two shits about what my needs are and um my job thank God God I've learned this this work is to help him meet his emotional needs and to help support Diana in helping her meet Dominic's emotional needs of constancy and permanence so that he can grow up as secure as possible you know like I didn't ha I you know not all not and no not too many of us have been blessed with unicorn parents so which understood how to meet your needs not just physically you know with a home and food and all that but emotional Attunement not a lot of our parents learned that they didn't know which left us feeling emotionally empty which is then what's the foundation of our attachment wounds this community is only about the conversation of healing our attachment wounds and the events that we put on twice a month uh are all about and the programs that we have online uh there's a new program coming up oh my gosh the intimacy accelerator we have about 10 spots left half of them are gone um it's a six week Deep dive into healing your attachment wounds into regulating your nervous system into clearing your past resentments into learning how to dance with that Dark Passenger and a big part of that is the overview experience and the breath work and inner child meditation which are coming up so I'm going to leave you a couple links here the first one is the overview experience if you register before breath work coming up this is my my um commitment to you if you register before breath work hit reply and say send me a ticket for breath work as well then you get to come to breath work for free so you go the overview experience and breath work now if you sign up for the intimacy accelerator program which starts a six-week program that starts on February the 4th if you apply for that uh for that program and you you send an application in you jump on a call with me and you're ready to invest in a solution and it's a it's it's one of our uh group coaching events that we have that are under 2 000 US dollars if you're actually ready to do that hop on a call fill out your application and then we'll jump on a call and you will get breath work and overview experience for free so it's kind of like this 2021 deal for those who are who are struggling with their attachment wounds who are sick and tired of getting into the exact same patterns and this is an opportunity for you to actually jump in and and get to work on healing them get to work on taking responsibility not blame get to work on being at cause for the transformation of your relationships why well it didn't start with you but it can end with you and if it doesn't end with you it's being passed on to your kids your insecurities are being passed on to them your codependencies are recreated there and the last thing I want to do is to have my son have a string of relationships the same way that I did uh trying to chase after love externally it's not going to work and I want to teach something completely different so go ahead and click on those links uh
Big Time peace out