Mental Health: When Making Others Happy Makes You Miserable by Karen Ehman

Show Notes

Promo: Making Time

You have the same 24 hours in your day as the most accomplished people in the world. So why doesn't it feel that way? Follow along on this special 6 episode series as we take a look at how to make more time. By following biblical principles and taking a look at what you really want, Making Time shares the secret to having all the time you need... with a little help from some friends.

Learn more and download group guides at https://lumivoz.com/making-time/

For questions, comments, or sharing your tips on how to make more time, reach out to [e-mail]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we get caught in the trap of people-pleasing, we’re letting people take the place of God in our lives. Karen Ehman helps us learn to stop letting unpleasable people call the shots and live for the approval of God alone.

 

Watch the video of Session One

Get information on the Study Guide

 

Study Gateway is a streaming video Bible study service that gives instant access to video studies taught by hundreds of the world's most influential Christian authors, teachers and pastors, published HarperChristian Resources. Subscriptions plans are available for personal use, for small groups, and for whole churches. Learn more at StudyGateway.com.

Creators & Guests

Guest

Karen Ehman

Karen Ehman is a Proverbs 31 Ministries speaker and New York Times bestselling author. Described as profoundly practical, engagingly funny, and downright real, her passion is to help women to live their priorities and love their lives as they serve God and others.

What is Study Gateway First Listens?

Study Gateway's First Listens: Find your next Bible study! Join host Shelley Leith as she curates first sessions of Bible studies on various themes each season, taught by some of the world’s most influential Christian authors, teachers, and pastors. To learn more, visit https://StudyGateway.com.

First Listens Season 2: Episode 2
When Making Others Happy is Making You Miserable
Karen Ehman

[MUSIC PLAYING] SHELLEY LEITH: Welcome to Study Gateway’s First Listens, here you get first listens of the first sessions on Study Gateway so you can find your next video Bible study.

Hi there! I’m your host, Shelley Leith, and we’re in Season 2 of First Listens, where we’re focusing in on the topic of mental health. I’m bringing you sessions from eight Bible studies that deal with different aspects of mental health. Last time we heard from Chris Hodges on depression in Out of the Cave, and in future episodes we’ll hear Pete Scazzero, Rebekah Lyons, Gary Thomas, Jennie Allen, and Lecrae. These respected pastors and authors have all published their studies with HarperChristian Resources, and we stream their videos on Study Gateway. Once you have the taste of these first sessions, you’ll know – I’ve gotta have more of that one! And you’ll have figured out what your next Bible study is going to be!

This week’s episode is from popular Bible study teacher Karen Ehman. I love the titles of her Bible studies. She’s done Let. It. Go, Keep It Shut, Hoodwinked, Listen, Love, Repeat, and the one we’re hearing today, which just came out this year, is When Making Others Happy is Making You Miserable. That tells you all you need to know about the study, doesn’t it? Today we’re going to listen to her first session, which is about one of the most common things that messes with our mental health, and it’s called The Prison of People Pleasing.

[MUSIC PLAYING] KAREN EHMAN: About three years ago, on a lovely spring day, kind of late in the afternoon when all my neighbors were probably fixing their supper, I decided to head out to my favorite spot on our property. It's this strip of woods that's at the back of our property that we share with the neighbors on either side of us and some neighbors behind us as well. And usually, I love to grab my Bible or a book and head out there just to relax for a little while. Just sit and listen to nature. In fact, there's some birds that fly around making a lot of noise, but I love listening to it. And that is until the black squirrel family that lives out there interrupts the birds, chases them away, and they're chasing each other up and down the tree and around my chair. And I like to listen to the neighborhood kids playing and the occasional dog barking. And usually, it's a lovely relaxing time.

However, this day, I didn't grab a Bible, or a journal, or a book to read, I grabbed a box of tissues. And I headed out to that place where I'm alone in the woods sitting in my chair in front of our fire pit and I bawled my eyes out. I was sobbing so incessantly, my shoulders heaving, making all kinds of noise, that the birds flew away, the squirrels ran away, and the poor neighbors who were just trying to eat their supper in peace, well, they got both dinner and a show. Now, what was it that caused me such distress? Why was I so emotionally distraught? Well, it's because I had done one simple thing. Something I've done dozens, if not hundreds, if I'm honest, probably thousands of times. Someone had asked me to do something and I had said yes.

It was a very close friend of mine who wanted me to do something that was going to take most of the summer and it would take a little effort from me, not a ton, but a little each week. And I had that conversation inside my head as she was asking me, like, talking to myself saying, you know you shouldn't do this. You've got too much going on. You should say no. But like outward me was smiling and letting that word fly off my lips without even thinking about, oh, yes. Sure. Of course. No problem. But it was a problem. You see, at that time in my life, I had let my plate-- or should I say my Google Calendar, get so full I was still dealing with the death of my father. He had passed away about three weeks after we moved into the house we had just moved into three months earlier. And we moved to that town to be closer to my dad and his wife. And to be closer to my mom. And my father suddenly passed away. It was very unexpected. He still lived alone. Played golf. Drove his car. He was 87, but he seemed more like he was 67. And so I was dealing with the grief of the loss of my father.

I was still unpacking boxes because, you know, it had been about three months, but I wasn't unpacked yet. You know how it is when you move. You finally get that last box unpacked about the time you put your house on the market to move another place, right? And I also had jumped right into my community. I was involved in a few things there. I was involved in church. I had family responsibilities. Things at work. And I realized that all of these responsibilities coupled with all the little asks people asked of me and my inability to say no. Well, it had landed me in a prison of people pleasing. And I didn't know what to do. I started to have some physical manifestations too. My left I wouldn't stop twitching. I couldn't sleep at night. So a couple of days later after thinking, and pondering, and praying, and crying to my best friend and my husband, I headed out to that fire pit again. But this time, I took my phone with me. And I hopped on a Bible app that searches verses in the Bible based on words. And I put in the words please and people. And I wondered, is there anything in the Bible about people pleasing.

While 23 verses popped up, some of them just had both of those words in the verse, they really weren't about people pleasing. But some of them were. And the one that jumped out to me immediately was entry number 22 out of the 23. It was in the Book of Galatians, which is a book that's an actual letter that the apostle Paul wrote to the church in Galicia, which Galicia is where modern day Turkey is now. And he wrote this letter between 53 and 57 A.D. And part of the letter was written because they were having their own problems with people pleasing in this church. There were a group of people known as the Judaizers who were trying to convince Christians that in order to truly be a believer, you not only had to respond to the gospel and give your life to Christ, you also had to follow a lot of things in the Old Testament. So Paul was trying to correct this notion that no, salvation is found only through faith alone. So he writes this letter to the Galatians.

So if you have your Bible, flip your way to Galatians 1. Or if you have an electronic device, you can tap or swipe your way there as well. And we are going to look at one important question that Paul tosses out to the Galatians as they are struggling with people pleasing. And it's found in verse 10 of Galatians 1. It says this. Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Now, hold up. Pause the video. I mean, people in the Bible struggled with people pleasing? Weren't they all running around with their lovely angelic filters, their halo, looking like the latest cool filter on Instagram, and singing worship songs they just downloaded from their spiritual Spotify app? I mean weren't they all perfect? No. They struggled with interpersonal tension just like we do.

And we would do well to ponder Paul's question. Am I trying to please humans, or am I trying to please God? As we seek to get out of this tug of war we're trapped in between following God and pleasing people. Well, one thing we're going to do in our time together is we're going to look at a character in the New Testament who seemed to have a problem with people pleasing. So if you will turn, however you want to, whatever way you have your scriptures there, to Matthew 14. We are going to look at the character of Herod. And I'm going to read verses 1-12. At that time, Herod the tetrach heard the reports about Jesus, and he said to his attendants, "This is John the Baptist; he has risen from the dead! That is why miraculous powers are at work in him." Now Herod had arrested John and bound him and put him in prison because of Herodias, his brother Philip's wife, four John had been saying to him: "It is not lawful for you to have her."

So what was happening here was Herod divorced his wife and instead married his brother's wife. And so that's what John was talking about here. So picking it up in verse 5 Herod wanted to kill John but he was afraid of the people because they considered John a prophet. On Herod's birthday the daughter of Herodias danced for the guests and pleased Herod so much that he promised with an oath to give her whatever she asked. He said, yes, I'll do something. I'll give you whatever you ask. Prompted by her mother, she said, "Give me here on a platter the head of John the Baptist." The King was distressed, but because of his oaths and his dinner guests, he ordered that her request be granted and he had John beheaded in the prison. His head was brought in on a platter and given to the girl, who carried it to her mother. John's disciples came and took his body and buried it. And then they went and told Jesus. You see, Herod didn't walk in the fear of the Lord. He feared the crowds. And on some occasions, certain individuals. Which made him act in direct contrast to what he truly believed.

And in verse 9, when it says he was distressed, well, in the original Greek that the New Testament was written in, that word meant to be thrown into sorrow, sadness, or grief. Have you ever been thrown into sorrow, sadness, or grief because you said-- you took an oath, you said, yes, I'll do something that you knew you shouldn't have done. Well, there are other portions of scripture that also talk about people pleasing, so we're going to actually head back to the Old Testament for a minute. So turn with me to Proverbs 29, verse 25. And we're going to see that we also spy people pleasing there on its pages. Proverbs 29:25 says this. The fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. Now, in the original Hebrew language that the Old Testament was written in-- the Old Testament is Hebrew the New Testament is Greek, the word for snare is moquesh. And I'm going to tell you how it spelled in case you want to wow your friends that a Hebrew word.

It's M-O-Q-E-S-H. Moquesh. And this does refer to what you think it does when you read that verse. A device for trapping prey. But it also conveys the concept of bait or lure. Something that's so enticing it reels its victim in and then drags them away.

[MUSIC PLAYS] SHELLEY LEITH: Yikes. Who knew people pleasing could be the kind of trap that reels us in and drags us away. This whole idea of people pleasing is such a painful issue for so many of us, and I appreciate that you’re taking the time to listen to this message here at Study Gateway’s First Listens. When Making Others Happy is Making You Miserable is published by HarperChristian Resources and it streams on Study Gateway. Study Gateway is a streaming video service, and we’re the only one that has a subscription plan especially for small groups. For our First Listens listeners, we are offering an exclusive rate on our small group plan. When you use the promo code FIRST at studygateway.com, you’ll get a small group plan for up to 20 people for only $15.99/month, a 20% savings. And, for a complete experience with When Making Others Happy is Making You Miserable, take advantage of our publisher-direct pricing on the essential Bible study guide designed to be used with the videos. You’ll get the group discussion questions and leader materials, the memory verses and key ideas, and personal Bible study and reflection exercises to do between sessions. Get all the details at Studygateway.com.

And now, back to Karen Ehman.

[MUSIC PLAYING] KAREN EHMAN: Well is there a relationship in your life where you are constantly feeling your heartstrings tugged and you're being enticed and reeled away in order to people please someone? Maybe it's someone that's got a lot of sadness in their life and you truly aren't interested in adding to their sadness anymore, so you kind of give in and go along with them. Or maybe it's a dysfunctional relationship you have with someone. You know those people where you're kind of doing this little dance and you don't really want to upset them, because there's going to be drama or there's going to be awkwardness, so you just, kind of, you just give in and you people please. Or maybe you're like me and you have a hard time uttering that word. No. No.

You easily say yes, but it's hard for you to say no. And now, you're like me and your Google Calendar is so full you don't have any bandwidth left. Well, if you can answer yes to any of those questions or anything else you can think of where you've been tempted to people please, then you my friend have been caught in a moquesh. When we think about that first verse we read in Galatians 1:10 and we see that word please, am I now trying to please man, or am I trying to please God? That original Greek word is the Greek word Arekso. And it's spelled A-R-E-S-K-O. And this is what it means. To agree to satisfy another in order to win their approval, affection, or attention. You want to satisfy someone in order to win their approval, their affection, or their attention. It also means to meet their expectations and willingly serve. You see what our problem is, is that we're so afraid of losing the approval, attention, or affection of someone that we give in to them.

Now, I find it interesting when I think about being afraid, that there are two different words in the Old Testament for fear. We have translated them both in English as fear, but there's originally two words and they're very different. So I'm going to give you these Hebrew words right now. The first one is charadah. And it is spelled C-H-A-R-A-D-A-H Charadah. The second one is yirah. And it is spelled Y-I-R-A-H. Now, charadah, it means to react with immense anxiety or to tremble with great dread. That's the first one. Charadah. The second one, yirah, is defined as responding with extreme awe and thoughtful reverence. So think of it this way. Let's say you're going to go visit some national parks in the United States this year. And as you're tooling along on the trails, you round a corner and you're met by a mountain lion. You are going to what? You're going to tremble with fear. You're going to be terrified. But let's back it up and say you're at a different National Park. You round a corner and you're met by the vast ocean. And you are just in awe of that ocean. You have the utmost respect for it.

You're going to treat it right. You're not going to mess around in it, because you know what it could do to you. But you're not afraid. You're not trembling. You have respect. Well, I bet you can already jump ahead of me and realize which of these two words applies to the fear of God and the fear of man. The fear of man is the one where we're trembling, but the fear of God is the one where we have a healthy respect. We revere him enough to do what he says. There's nothing in that definition of the fear of God that shows us backing in a corner, kind of cowering, terrified that if we step one toe out of line, God's going to make some awful circumstance happen in our life. It's the fear of man that trips us up. It produces anxiety in our minds, dread in our hearts, and yes, sometimes even trembling in our bodies. It's an unhealthy apprehension that causes us to be at the mercy of the person by whom we're frightened. Well, let's head back to my fire pit for a minute.

A few days later after not being able to sleep, after talking to my husband and a close friend, and praying, and realizing something needed to be done, I took my Bible. I sat there. I wept again. And I said OK, Lord. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. You got to help me. Where do I start. And I felt as if the Lord impressed upon my heart that I was to take, what I refer to as a season of necessary and no. I was to do only what was necessary for my family, my home, and my job, my ministry. And I was to say no to everything else for three months for that entire summer. Now, I know this might sound a little harsh, because this necessary and no meant I was going to say no to any overnight guests. No to having people over to our house, which I love to do. No to helping anybody solve their problem. No to looking up the link for anybody. No to even simple things that I love doing, like making cookies for the toddler class at church.

But you have to realize, I have been doing those things for over a quarter century. Ever since I became a Christian at the age of 16, I have been guilty of saying yes and over serving. So for three months, three glorious months-- maybe I should do that again this summer. I did only what was necessary and I said no to everything else. And I knew what was next. I had to call some people, drop out of some things, maybe disappoint some people. And I knew it wasn't going to be easy for this what does it look like to everyone else regardless of what it's doing to me kind of girl. Now, some people were very understandable. Of course, if there is a commitment that would really put them in a bind if I dropped out right now, I gave them, like, two weeks notice. Other people are were a little-- were kind of irritated with me, because now they had to find somebody else to do the job they had already enlisted me to do.

And then the last phone call I had to make was to this person I was so close to that I had said that yes to that sent me out crying at the fireplace-- or fire pit in the first place. And she gave me the greatest of gifts. There was not even a hint of disappointment in her voice. She actually had been dealing with struggling with a family member who had really let people pleasing affect their mental health. And she said you know what, don't worry about it I'll get someone else to do what I asked you to do. I care about you. I'm going to be checking on you to see how you're doing. You got to quit saying yes all the time. Why didn't you just say no? I'm like, I should have. But I was afraid. Right? The fear of man. Well, that was such a pivotal summer for me to learn. To stop living my life based on the expectations and opinions of others. And in our time together, I'm going to leave as each time with these little, I like to call them one cent sermons to preach to yourself.

There's a couple one cent sermons I've learned to preach to myself. And I'm going to give you two of them today. The first one is this. To remind yourself that we are all tempted to devour lies when our hearts are unhappy and our souls are hungry. When we're not doing well in our walk with the Lord and he's not filling us up, we look for other things to fill us. To fill that unhappiness and the hunger in our souls. And I used to buy this lie that if I didn't say yes to everybody and just be the Savior of the world, rescuing everybody, helping them out. If I didn't do that, then my friends list was going to dwindle down to just my husband and the family dog. And we don't even have a dog. But it's not true. That's a lie. Don't devour that lie. The second one, well, it's because one side of people pleasing is when someone wants us to do something for them and we say yes, but there's a flip side as well. It's when God is calling us to say yes to him about something, but we're so afraid that we're not going to have the approval, or the attention, or the affection of that other person.

They don't really want us to say yes to God. And so people please and we don't obey God. We obey them. So here's the one sentence sermon you're going to preach to yourself if that is your situation today. It's this. You do not need that person's permission to do God's will. You don't. You don't need their approval. If God is truly calling you to do something, then do it. Well, will you decide to be today, going forward, the decider in chief of your life. Making your choices based on what God wants you to do, rather than what other people want you to do. Remember, you can't please everybody. You're not pizza. And I was going to say coffee or avocados, but I know a few people that don't like coffee and a couple that don't like avocados. But I'm going to say pizza, because everybody has at least one kind of pizza they like, right? You can't please everyone.

You're not pizza. Well, I really hope that our time together beginning today will empower you to stop living your life making everyone else happy, but making yourself miserable. But instead, you will learn to break the pattern of people pleasing and confidently live your life.

[MUSIC PLAYING] SHELLEY LEITH: Okay, you got that? You’re not pizza! You have just enjoyed a first listen to the first session When Making Others Happy is Making You Miserable, a video Bible study by Karen Ehmaan, published by HarperChristian Resources and streaming on Study Gateway. Here at Study Gateway you can find your favorite authors, pastors and Bible teachers, all in one place. We’re the only streaming video subscription service that offers a small group-sized plan, AND has user-based pricing for churches, no matter what the size. And don’t forget, you can use the promo code FIRST to get a 20% savings on a small group plan. What does 20% mean to your pocketbook? It means you’re going to save $4/month, so instead of $19.99/month, you’ll pay only 15.99/month for your entire small group of up to 20 people, which works out to only 80 cents per person per month!
With Study Gateway, you also get a direct link to our store, where you get publisher-direct pricing on the essential Bible study guide for When Making Others Happy is Making You Miserable; a study guide designed to help you remember what you’ve learned in the videos, guide your discussion of your insights with others, dig deeper into what the Bible says about this topic, and apply what you’re learning to your life. Is When Making Others Happy is Making You Miserable going to be your next study? Get started right now by going to studygateway.com, click start free trial, choose the monthly small group plan, and use the promo code FIRST.

Come back next week for Episode 3 in the Mental Health season, where I get to bring you probably my favorite Bible study of all time, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Pete Scazzero. Make sure you rate and review this podcast so other people can find this show too. See you next time on Study Gateway’s First Listens.
[MUSIC PLAYING]