Why we can't help comparing ourselves to others

It’s a very natural human tendency to compare ourselves to the people around us–and even to the people we see portrayed in the media. And like so many other behavioral tendencies, this one is a double-edged sword.   Looking at what others have achieved can inspire us to greater effort. It can also make us feel like crap.  And we don't want that!

Today, we're delving into the psychology behind why we are driven to compare ourselves to others, the impact it can have on our mental well-being, and some strategies to help you avoid the compare-and-despair cycle.

Takeaways

1. Recognize that comparing ourselves to others can either motivate us or lead to feelings of inadequacy, depending on our mindset and circumstances.
2. Be aware of specific situations or people that prompt you to engage in unhealthy comparisons and find ways to either avoid these triggers or change your reaction to them.
3. Shift your perspective from others to your own journey. Measure your success against your past achievements rather than against others' accomplishments.
4. Implement a regular practice of acknowledging what you're thankful for, which can transform your viewpoint from comparison to appreciation.
5. Remember that everyone’s path, including yours, is distinct and equally valuable. Embracing this viewpoint can diminish the urge to compare and help you appreciate the uniqueness of your own and others' life experiences.

Mentioned

Stronger Bones Workshop on April 13th

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Creators and Guests

Host

Monica Reinagel

Monica Reinagel has been helping people create healthier lives for more than 15 years through her Nutrition Diva podcast, books, online coaching programs and in-person workshops. As a licensed and board-certified nutritionist, her approach is grounded in science but is also practical and realistic. Monica is also a former professional opera singer.

Editor

Brock Armstrong

Brock has been working in audio since the 1980s (the late 1980s to be sure) and has focussed his expertise on podcasting since 2007.

What is Change Academy?

Learn how to cultivate a more productive mindset, form sustainable habits, and create a lifestyle that supports both your goals and your wellbeing with host, Monica Reinagel. Drawing on decades of expertise and experience, Monica provides guidance on navigating the challenging process of behavior change in a fun and accessible way. Learn more and find show notes for every episode at https://changeacademypodcast.com

Monica: 00:00

It is a very natural human tendency to compare ourselves to the people around us and even to the people we see portrayed in the media. And like so many other behavioral tendencies, this one is a double edged sword. Looking at what others have achieved can inspire us to greater effort. It can also make us feel like crap. So today, we're gonna talk about why that happens and how to avoid the comparison trap.

Brock: 00:32

Alright. Alright. If you want, take your seats or lace up your sneaks. We're about to get started.

Monica: 00:38

Welcome to the Change Academy podcast. I'm your host, Monica Rineagle. And in this show, we talk about what it takes to create healthier mindsets and habits in our own lives, as well as how we can create healthier communities and workplaces. Whether you're working on your own health and well-being or promoting healthy behaviors is your job. We're gonna talk about what works, what's hard, what's needed, and what's next.

Monica: 01:01

Today we're gonna be digging into the psychology of why we are driven to compare ourselves to others and the impact that this can have for better or for worse on our mental well-being because comparisons can affect us both positively and negatively. So I'm going to be sharing some strategies to help you avoid the compare and despair cycle. Before we jump into that, though, I do want to drop one more little public service announcement for the special workshop that I'm hosting on April 13th. We're talking about how to build and preserve stronger bones. This is something I know many of you are interested in and joining me for this event is Joanne Fagerstrom.

Monica: 01:44

She is a physical therapist and a certified Feldenkrais practitioner. She's also an osteoporosis prevention specialist. So whatever your age or your current bone status, we're gonna have great information to share with you about diet, movement, exercise, and lifestyle habits that contribute to stronger, healthier bones. Joanne's even going to be leading us all in a guided movement session right there as part of the workshop. All the information you need to register is at changeacademypodcast.com/bones, and please feel free to share this information with anyone you know who might be interested.

Monica: 02:24

And now let's dig into comparison traps, starting with their evolutionary roots. Because this drive to evaluate ourselves and compare ourselves is deeply embedded in our psychology. It probably served an important role in our survival and the survival of the groups that we belong to. So from an evolutionary standpoint, understanding our social and personal worth could have been really key to successfully navigating the social hierarchies or securing resources and fostering cooperative relationships, all of these vital for survival. But comparisons do have this dual nature, and understanding this is really important in navigating our relationships and maintaining our own emotional well-being, which might not be quite as crucial for the survival of our species, but it is important for our own happiness.

Monica: 03:29

According to social comparison theory, which was first developed by psychologist Leon Festinger, there are actually 2 different types of social comparison, upward and downward comparison. These are fairly self explanatory, but let's talk about them 1 at a time. Upward comparison is when we measure ourselves against those who seem anyway to us to be better off than we are. Now this can be a source of inspiration or motivation pushing us to achieve more, or maybe even just showing us what's possible, but whether or not this has a positive or negative influence on us often hinges on our mindset and also, to a certain extent, on our circumstances. If we have generally high self esteem, we may see others' successes as a template for our own success.

Monica: 04:26

Hey, if she can do it, so can I? Or after seeing a colleague promoted, perhaps we might be motivated to pursue additional training in an effort to increase our own chances of advancement. Or if we see someone that we admire achieve a new personal best in a sports activity, maybe it motivates us to push ourselves a little bit harder in our own training just to see what's possible. Now on the other hand, if we suffer from low self esteem, comparing ourselves with others who may have gotten a little bit further than we have can instead trigger feelings of inadequacy. Regularly engaging in social comparisons, especially these upward ones, can lead to a constant sense of either striving or inadequacy, and that cycle can be really draining.

Monica: 05:22

And it may also, in the long run, detract from our ability to appreciate our own unique strengths and what we have accomplished and achieved. Now the other type of comparison is downward comparison, and that's when we compare ourselves to those that we may view as being less successful or even just less fortunate. This might initially offer us a boost in self esteem, or it might cause us to feel gratitude for our own situation. But this too is a double edged sword, and there are a couple of potential traps that we can fall into here with the downward comparisons. Constantly engaging in downward comparisons, others' who is said to have quipped, it's not enough that I succeed.

Monica: 06:30

Others must fail. So you could imagine how that kind of outlook could potentially strain your relationships. I'm not sure Gore Vidal was known particularly for the strength of his intimate relationships, come to think of it. For example, though, when you're faced with the financial struggles of a friend, you might secretly feel a little bit of relief that you're not in that situation, or you might even feel a little superior for having managed your finances better. It could momentarily boost your sense of security, but I think you could imagine how it could also create a real barrier in that relationship because that kind of comparison prevents us from experiencing genuine empathy for another's hardship.

Monica: 07:23

And there's another interesting possibility here, and that is that downward comparisons can foster a sense of complacency, and that can really be detrimental to our personal growth. So these are all things that we want to avoid, and I wanna share with you some research backed strategies for avoiding these comparison traps. And, look, if you are someone who tends to fall into this kind of trap a lot, it may take a little practice and a little bit of effort to learn some different responses, but I think it is well worth the effort because when we can focus on our own personal achievements rather than external comparisons, it creates a healthier self perception, a more stable sense of our own self and our self worth, which leads to long term psychological benefits. Exiting this cycle of continuous comparison can also lead to lower levels of anxiety and stress. That's always great and can benefit your physical health.

Monica: 08:30

Individuals who are more prone to focus on their own journey rather than comparing themselves to others tend to report higher levels of life satisfaction and overall happiness, and avoiding comparison traps also helps us develop resilience. It enables us to bounce back more effectively when we do encounter setbacks and challenges. So here are a few strategies that you might try to put into place. Number 1, you want to try to identify your particular triggers for this. Notice whether there are specific situations or people that lead you to compare.

Monica: 09:14

Is it a certain group of friends or family gatherings or even specific environments like the workplace? Because understanding these triggers is the first step to redirecting your focus when you feel tempted to indulge in a little compare and despair, Or if it's an option, you may choose to avoid or minimize your exposure to these environments altogether. Social media, for example, is a notorious trigger for this compare and despair cycle. So if you are on social media, be mindful of who you're following and how their output makes you feel. If scrolling regularly makes you feel like you or your life is garbage, well, then I think the solution is obvious.

Monica: 10:02

And it doesn't have to mean getting off social media entirely, although I can highly recommend that, but you might wanna curate your feed. Remove accounts that invoke feelings of inadequacy, and focus instead on accounts that feel uplifting to you and that resonate with your values. Another strategy is to compare yourself not to other people, but to your past self. And what I mean by that is to reflect on your own growth and your development over time, instead of comparing yourself to where others are at this moment. Acknowledging our own personal progress can foster a greater sense of accomplishment and a more positive outlook on our own path, our own journey.

Monica: 10:50

I'll make yet another plug for ye old gratitude practice because research underscores the power of gratitude in enhancing our mental well-being. So So just regularly acknowledging what you're thankful for really helps to shift your perspective from comparison to appreciation, which is a much more positive mindset. Another great strategy, really, when dealing with any kind of acute problem is to zoom out. Think about the big picture and what truly matters to you, and then see how the subject of your current focus might fit in to that larger context. And one last perspective shift that might be worth trying instead of focusing on how others are doing either better or worse than you are, see if you can shift your perspective to see everyone's journey, including your own as a unique path.

Monica: 11:52

And this can help to diminish that urge to compare and a more accepting outlook. If you're somebody who spends a lot of time in the comparison trap, I think you will find that practicing even a couple of these strategies might have a pretty profound impact on how you view yourself and how you view those around you. At its heart, this is really about recognizing that everyone's journey is different and also equally valuable and shifting your focus from others to your own progress. This perspective can help fuel personal growth as well as more genuine connections with the people in your life and hopefully bring you a greater sense of peace and contentment. So here are a few takeaways from our conversation today.

Monica: 12:41

Number 1, recognize that comparing ourselves to others can either motivate us or lead to feelings of inadequacy depending on our mindset and our circumstances. Number 2, try to be aware of the specific situations or people that prompt you to engage in unhealthy comparisons and look for ways to either avoid those triggers or change your response to them. Number 3, shift your perspective away from others and toward your own journey. Measure your success against your past achievements rather than against others' accomplishments. Number 4, implement a regular practice of acknowledging what you're thankful for, which can help shift your viewpoint from comparison to appreciation.

Monica: 13:27

And finally remember that everyone's path, including yours is distinct and equally valuable. Embracing this viewpoint can diminish the urge to compare and help you appreciate the uniqueness of your own and others' life experiences. Also, just a reminder that information and registration for our upcoming stronger bones workshop with physical therapist and osteoporosis expert, Joanne Fagerstrom, is available at changeacademypodcast.com/bones.

Brock: 13:59

Alright. Thanks, everyone. This has been the Change Academy podcast with Monica Rineagle. Our show is produced by me, Brock Armstrong. You'll find links to everything Monica mentioned in today's episode in our show notes, as well as on our website at changeacademypodcast.com, where you can also send us an email or leave us a voicemail.

Brock: 14:19

If you're finding this podcast helpful, we hope you'll subscribe, or even better, give our show a rating or review in your favorite podcast app. Or best of all, share this episode with a friend or colleague you think would enjoy it. Now here's to the changes we choose.