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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Well, you guys, I don't even know how to tell you what's going on. I can't tell nobody else. I don't got nobody to tell. But you wanna see this. I don't even know where am I.
Speaker 1:But I sure know when am I. Because there's fireworks everywhere. I never saw nothing like this in my whole life. I don't know. I don't even know how to tell you what I can see.
Speaker 1:We're at the top of a mountain. This house is a new house at the top of a mountain, but it's like it's like an Ozark Mountain, not like a Utah mountain. But we're at the top, and I'm seeing halfway around the whole mountain and all over the valley. Woah. All over the valley, I can see fireworks everywhere.
Speaker 1:But them kids aren't here. They're outside kids unless they're in that big old house sleeping, but that's not my house. But I see I see our car, and I see the van. And I know I'm not supposed to be out and talking, and I'm gonna get in trouble for that. But you guys see these fire works.
Speaker 1:Can you hear them? I really like fireworks. It's the best thing I've seen in months. Months and months of of I I know when time it is except for I know it's firework time now. It's July 4.
Speaker 1:It sound just like it did when we were at Syria. And when we were over at Iraq, kinda made me think of that, but there's no buildings here falling down or nothing. It's it's just fireworks, and now time is safe of fireworks. It's just pretty look up. It's just pretty to look at and good way to blow up your money.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Not blow up your money, but you can watch other people blow up their money. I don't know how to tell you. I'm in the forest or something, and there's horses and goats and chickens. I'm just on a hill, but on the hill, I can see all of everybody's fireworks.
Speaker 1:So I know it's it's a year for since last time we have fireworks, and that was right after Africa. And before that woah. Do you see that? Before that, them fireworks them fireworks we saw from the cabin. So that's the example.
Speaker 1:You can follow some time that way knowing. You you can know about some time passing for fireworks is a good example, like a bookmark at the library, except this is in color. But I'm just out here by myself. There's nobody out here with me. I don't see another living soul except that horse.
Speaker 1:Hi, horse. I don't even know where am I. I might be making it up. I could be crazy as bat. Bat crazy.
Speaker 1:That's what she said, never know one time. I know some things I can't be talking about. I can't talk about for making my heart sad. Everything just all go away. Everything just taken away.
Speaker 1:And it's not my place, and it's not my turn. I can't talk about nothing. If I watch them fireworks, fireworks for freedom, then I just wanna I wanna be free, not be in trouble, and wanna be free for NTIS, and I wanna be free for doing what I want and not getting all trapped up in there. But the most important thing above all is being free to take good care of people because we gotta be now time is safe, and that means taking care of people. And if you're gonna take care of people, then sometimes you gotta get out of the way.
Speaker 1:Oh, me and you smell them fireworks? Them were close. I smell I smell them fireworks. I'm walking down this hill. It's got a driveway.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to find where am I. It's got driveway all the way down. Sometimes if you have freedom, the best thing you can do with your freedom is taking care of other people by giving them freedom. You know, like, you can't really squash a lightning bug and it still fly away, and you can't hold on to a butterfly and still let it fly away. You can't just keep the bird in a cage or your horse in the barn or your dog in the house.
Speaker 1:You gotta let him go, and you gotta send him free. And then they're free to love you back, but sometimes they don't. And sometimes it hurts your little heart if you're left all alone in the world. And if you're left all alone in the world, you might even be sad about it. And if you're sad about it, you might think, man, I miss them with all my heart.
Speaker 1:Except you know not bothering them is the best thing you can do, and you know the best thing you can do is set them free. Like letting your horse out of the barn. I don't know this horse's name, but he's following me. Can you make a horse sound so I can let them hear you? He's not cooperating with me at the moment.
Speaker 1:But this horse here just wants to walk. Woah. This horse here just wanna walk around for a minute following me like we're buddies. That's pretty nice because I can't have a buddy anymore. I can't talk to people no more.
Speaker 1:We can't mail presents no more. We can't say nothing no more. I don't like it one little bit. I don't even like a lot of bit or a little bit or an ounce of a bit. That one was green.
Speaker 1:I see. I'm talking like hundreds of hours all across the all across the sky from all across the valley, all these places. Some are close. Some are far. Some are so far, they're just like tiny little lights, but I can see them, and some are right close.
Speaker 1:I don't know what we're doing here, where we're at, but I know that's our car I saw. Woah. If I had all money in the world, I'm a, like, sell some fireworks. I'm not too scared maybe, but our kids, them outside kids, they don't sell fireworks. We don't do it because that's just for rich people.
Speaker 1:Only rich people can set off fireworks. We don't get to do that. I feel I feel like I'm just I'm just sneaking out here a little bit for half a minute for I wanna see what's going on. I gotta spy on this and find out because because everything shut down and there's no lights on and it's very quiet and we're not allowed to talk and we're not allowed to do nothing, and we can't even see where to get out. I don't I don't know what's happening, and it's very confusing and does not feel like now time is safe.
Speaker 1:And I just know I was very sad, but I don't wanna talk about that for privacy. And sometimes you're just trying to walk around in the field like a horse, eating some grass or some hay or something. And you're like, man, I wish this was oats, but it's not oats. It's just hay or something. I don't know.
Speaker 1:What do you like to eat, horse? You got a name? I don't even know his name. And you can't be sad, and you can't be mad because you made a choice for what's best for everybody just to stay out and stay away and not bother nobody. And so you try really hard to stick to the plan or so you won't ruin everything falling apart.
Speaker 1:But you are just by yourself right when everything is okay and not say, why we have to mess everything up? Everything was going just fine. I don't know why we are ruiners. I don't wanna be a ruiner. But it's our fault.
Speaker 1:That those red and green and white and blue. Some little sparkly doodads. I I just I I need some clues. Fireworks is a clue. Fireworks is a clue, and I can put in on our newspaper.
Speaker 1:I can tell everybody inside. It's a clue for when we are because I don't know where we are, but I know when we are because I saw fireworks. And that's clue sleuthing like detectives, detective in a horse field. I gotta find a mailbox or something. I look in them windows at that house, but I don't I don't wanna go to jail or nothing.
Speaker 1:I got enough problems on my feet. I know where we are, but I know when we are. It's not New Year's because I will be cold, and I'm not even cold. But also, listen. Can you hear this?
Speaker 1:Not the fireworks. I mean, the night. Listen to the night. That's Oklahoma night. That's Oklahoma sound.
Speaker 1:I think we're in Oklahoma, I think. But I'm only guessing. I don't have a mailbox that said Oklahoma on it. I just have cicadas singing the song of my heart. I know all about it.
Speaker 1:I don't see. Where are we? Fireworks out there in that ridge all across it, but not enough lights to be a sea And fireworks close by, but not so close to being neighbors. That's how I know we're out of the country. But which country?
Speaker 1:I don't know, Except only America could blow up that much money. Oh, these are clues. And I don't know how long I get to be out and be free, so I gotta get all the clues I can. In our car, I keyed my compass, but the car's locked. And I don't have keys, and I don't see them.
Speaker 1:And I don't know where they are because I don't know where we are, but I can see where the sunset on that side, which is west. So if I'm walking east or south or oh, We gotta be somewhere, but I know all about fourth of July fireworks. So yep. Right on cue. I know when we are.
Speaker 1:But I never saw so many in my whole life. All across this ridge, that's the best fireworks few I ever had. Man. I need some clues. I need some clues before I get caught out here.
Speaker 1:And I gotta get this up before I lose it in case I need clue later. I can listen to some podcasts if I got time. Maybe I can get some clues except for I don't need no schmancy interviewing. I I I don't know about I don't know about all doctor talking. Man, where is this place?
Speaker 1:I know these kinds of trees. We might be Arkansas or Oklahoma over there, Kansas or Missouri. These kinds of hills and these kinds of trees, but I don't know how to pin that on the map. Woah. That's a good one, guys.
Speaker 1:Hey. Good job, guys. That was a good one. Them far away ones sound like over there in the war zone too. I don't know if it bother you, but it makes me kinda jittery.
Speaker 1:But it sure is beauty. Look at if you don't mind blowing up money. Woah. I know foster care or on the movies, if you have fireworks, you also have hot dogs and burgers. So just think about all them people out there eating, eating, and I don't even know where a sandwich is, and they're having all this food, but you gotta have family to have food, and you gotta have money to have fireworks.
Speaker 1:And I'm just walking by myself on this dirt road through the through the woods or something on these hills, figure out where I am, how much trouble we're in, why we ruin everything. There's a mystery to be solved, and I'm gonna fix it. Well, that's the part that's woah. That's the part that does break my heart. All heartbroken.
Speaker 1:I cannot fix it. I cannot do it. I cannot fix it. Everything is oh. You know what's my biggest feeling?
Speaker 1:That's the hardest part to feel. I know it was all my fault to start with. I know it was all my fault because I was talking, and I was stalling sometimes, but I was stalling by talking. Sometimes I was talking for talking. But we never should've shared nothing or said nothing or mess it up.
Speaker 1:Or went on that trip or we were doing just fine before we mess everything up. And if it's fourth of July, you know what that means? I'll tell you what that means. It means it's not October no more. That's what that means.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsspeak.com. We'll see you there.