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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast, a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what
Speaker 2:we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care
Speaker 1:for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you. So as you heard, we have had a crazy intense summer, and that is not even the half of it. Out here in the country there is no such thing known as the internet. We do not have proper cell service.
Speaker 1:Our internet is super sketchy and nineteen ninety five slow and it has complicated our lives in all kinds of ways because we both work on the Internet. I mean, online. Right? The husband and us. And we cannot even from our house send pictures on a text message.
Speaker 1:It's so bad. It's really the least of our problems, but has absolutely required an adjustment. We are not people who are on our phones all the time, and we don't text people all the time, rarely talking to even friends when we're trying. There may be an exchange or something, but it's just not something that we do. But when we're working, we are absolutely online and so that's been super tricky.
Speaker 1:And part of that is answering your emails. It has been hard to get to your emails because our sketchy Internet. So what we have to do is what you call go to town, and we go to town to download our messages. And so I've gotten all the emails, and now I wanna respond to some of them. The adoption system wrote in and said, we are not Peter, but we feel the urge to respond.
Speaker 1:What you describe is part of detachment, differentiating depersonalization, derealization is relatively artificial since person and environment are inextricably intertwined. The concept of structural dissociation would assign dissociation and detachment to two different yet related concepts. Detachment occurs when a person or dissociated part of a person fails to sufficiently integrate experiences. For example, personification or realization do not work. This is seen when a person lacks mental capacity or energy to do so, such as being super stressed out.
Speaker 1:So they reference Psychology of Action by Pierre Genet. So hopefully that's helpful for those of you who are listening. Way to go, Adaption System. Well done. They're so clever.
Speaker 1:Our dear friend, Kim. Kim said so many questions, and I enjoyed so much from the last email episode. I appreciate you speaking out about George Floyd and how you have incorporated difficult discussions about race and privilege in your family. That is so refreshing, and I'm thankful you and the husband have the conviction and courage to do so. I learned something too.
Speaker 1:I learned today to keep my nose out of your restructuring business. It's all about safety. Oh, Kim, you're so funny. Also, you kept apologizing for your accent and wondered why because I thought I was cute. A little Australian y and a little Scottish y.
Speaker 1:Tell everybody I said, hey, and I hope you're still wearing pants for John Mark. Oh my goodness. So I think we resolved the accent issue. We have lived in both of those places, Scotland, Ireland, Australia, other places in Europe. We've talked about that in the past, but I apologize.
Speaker 1:And that's all still very embarrassing, so not gonna talk about it, Kim. But you're awesome, and I love you. Abby says, after listening to the most recent episode, I wanted to remind you that you owe us nothing. You do not have to work on being more covert, and you are not obligated to introduce yourself or explain. It's a hard time for everybody right now, even more so for those of us with trauma backgrounds.
Speaker 1:You take your time, be with your babies, and take care of yourself the best you can. It's hard and will probably get harder. But remember, you've been through some hard things and you're still here. I believe in you. I'm sending loving light, peace, and hope your way.
Speaker 1:Abby, thank you so much for the encouragement and the courage to just be ourselves and doing our best and letting that be what it is and respecting that both for ourselves and compassion for ourselves as well as understanding the context that everyone around is struggling. Thank you so much. Ray says, I had been so worried about you since you went radio silent for a few months and was so relieved when you came back, but I could hear who was talking. I know you've said you're not ready to talk about it, and I want to assure you that you don't owe anyone an explanation. It's yours to share if you want or not.
Speaker 1:I can only say that when I noticed, I heard the voice and recognized it as one I'd heard before, but only a few times. In interviews where I sensed you feeling very guarded, and it makes sense to me, this is a time to be guarded for many of us. Anyway, I was so relieved to hear your voice again. It caught me completely off guard when, in the next episode, you read my email. I was at work in the laboratory with headphones on, and suddenly my heart was pounding and I got all sweaty.
Speaker 1:Run off to the hallway to be by myself while I listened because it was such an intense moment for me. It is hard to describe the feeling I had hearing you read my words and respond to some of them. I guess the feeling was seen, heard. I felt connected even though there was a gap in time and distance. It was incredible.
Speaker 1:Maybe it felt that intense because DID can be an isolating experience. My friends who know about it are kind, but they don't get it. And that is why I take so much comfort in hearing you. That's super encouraging and I'm grateful that it was a positive experience to have you write in and hear your response to the email that you sent. And I think that many of us feel very isolated if we're not actively connected which seems more obvious even than it sounds but is harder to do.
Speaker 1:I know that the people in my life that know about the DID like a friend or another friend or the husband we don't necessarily talk about it and we don't sit around talking about it they don't ask questions it doesn't come up and we just keep functioning and trying our best so sometimes to have a safe place where we can talk about it or reference it or something is helpful and so I'm glad you felt connected and understood and heard and seen and I'm grateful that you have the courage both to write in in the first place and also the courage to listen because without the listening there is not going to be the receiving back and you spoke how powerful the mutual piece is and so I'm glad that you have that and I'm glad we experienced that together And I think it's so important and an example of what all of us can do for each other when we are brave to share our words and brave to receive them from others as well. She went on, another thing I wanted to address about your new self. After reading a listener email asking about it, you kept apologizing and saying you would fix it.
Speaker 1:Please do not look at it as something that needs fixing. If you want to have less of an accent, sure, but please do not judge yourself or this part of you as something that is wrong or less than just because it's different. This is just another facet on the jewel that is you. This part is there for a reason and is in control for a reason. Even if I don't know what the reason is, I trust it.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's powerful what she said just there. Even if I don't know what the reason is, I trust it. Oh, I'm gonna have to write that down again. You're full of gems, this one. I just don't want you to apologize and say you need to fix something.
Speaker 1:You are not broken or bad. I've experienced some similar guarding because of all the outside chaos lately. It's harder for me to make contact inside, and sometimes I slip into thinking I've made all the others up. But then I noticed a lot of these moments where I can actually tell something is going on inside, but it feels like I'm not allowed to know about it. I tried to describe it to myself in my journal last night.
Speaker 1:It's like when you know you were thinking an important thought, but suddenly you've forgotten it. It feels so close, and you're grasping to get it back. Except with this, I never knew the thought in the first place. I didn't forget it. It's just behind a wall.
Speaker 1:It's like hearing a conversation in the next room, but not being able to make out the words. So strange. I trust that my access being denied is something to do with protection. What she's writing about is really important, that we trust our system, that we trust ourselves, and let be what it is. And there are times that we don't always understand what's going on or don't always like what's going on or uncomfortable with what's happening.
Speaker 1:But in general, for the most part, obviously not always, that's a big word in therapy, right? But in general, most of the time, your system is designed to protect you. And so trusting your system, trusting yourself, trusting your capital s self, trusting your whole being to take good care of you is usually the way to go. She writes, because these are scary times. Of course, there is still a pandemic.
Speaker 1:Because I am in health care, I'm still physically going to work every day. But the more overwhelming issue has been the protest. I am in Seattle, about six blocks from the police precinct that has been the epicenter for all of our protests. I was lucky to not be tear gassed or hit with flash bang grenades, unlike many of my fellow citizens. Our police force has been brutal and callous.
Speaker 1:The last week and a half have given me the tiniest taste of what a war zone might feel like. Constant helicopters overhead, explosions, screaming, the smell of tear gas in the air. The anxiety is pervasive and powerful, sometimes dipping into panic, but it comes in waves. Sometimes I feel strong and hopeful, thinking about all of us and our neighborhood coming together, refusing to let these bullies hurt our people anymore. I wish the strong feeling lasted longer.
Speaker 1:Last night, the police abandoned the station. Protesters now have control. And while that feels like a win, it's far from over. Everything all over feels unstable and uncertain, and that is the scariest feeling for me. If I could use one word to describe my childhood and my experience in my own life, it would be uncertain.
Speaker 1:Walking on eggshells forced me to question my own reality, doubting myself and my senses and my memory. I hate it. So any uncertainty around me causes the reaction that feels enormous. I keep reminding myself to do it afraid. For a long time, I applied that advice when doing new tricks at the skate park or trying to meet new people.
Speaker 1:But now it's just living life, trying to be a healthy person in a terrifyingly unstable world. I'm going to do it even if I'm afraid, and I am. So maybe that's a lot to be writing, but you are important to me, and there is nothing more precious than connection right now. Thank you for connecting to me, for offering connection through your voice, and your vulnerability and your willingness to show up. I am often thinking of you and your family and hoping you are well.
Speaker 1:I think you are doing incredible. Even in the face of insanely challenging circumstances, you are staying present and still acknowledging yourself and your healing. Even if that looks a little different these days, even if it is restructured or more guarded somehow, you are still growing and changing, and you are still bringing love and hope to those around you, to me specifically. Thank you. To the one who has been talking on the podcast lately, I see you.
Speaker 1:I hear you. You are not wrong or broken. You are welcome, and you are loved. You are protecting and caring for those who need you. I look forward to learning your name whenever you are ready to share with us.
Speaker 1:I trust your judgment. Thank you for taking care of everyone right now. Oh my goodness, Ray. All of that was so full of wonderful, wonderful gems of truth and courage and vulnerability. And I'm sorry that it is so scary right now, the protests and things that are going on.
Speaker 1:We have heavy hearts with the struggles that are happening. We have heavy hearts for the misattunement with those who don't understand why it matters that some of our brothers and sisters in humanity are suffering and have been suffering for so long, and why just loving all people is not enough. That this is a time where we have to reach out to specific people and individual people, and that it has to mean something. And washing it under the rug or not seeing it out loud or not using a platform when you have a voice is a way of silencing people, not loving them. And it is a way of giving other people an excuse to pretend that everything's okay when it's not okay, and it's not been okay for a long time.
Speaker 1:And so they become coconspirators with these abusers in our society, and that becomes a big trigger, whether it's someone who is directly suffering or someone who grew up in the kinds of homes that all of us grew up as survivors. And so then it's sort of a double whammy where what's happening systemically and with social justice, that's a problem. And what's happening with people's response to it becomes a trigger. And then people you thought were safe are no longer safe. And people you thought cared, you realize it's just about who they are and their worldview that they hold.
Speaker 1:It's not actually about you. And the relationships you thought you had built are called into question when you see who is silenced and who is not, and whether your voice is embraced, or whether you're looked after or not, whether connection is maintained or not. All of these issues are so huge, and so at the very root of what it means to be human and what it means to care for each other and what it means to stand strong together. And so I will be thinking of you right in the middle of these protests and in the effort of trying to have a voice. And I am so, so grateful for what you have offered the world by sharing words with me again.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for being a new friend out there and a consistent voice out there and such an encourager when it's so very difficult to just keep trying and just keep going. Thank you for sharing with us and letting us share with everyone else. Holly says, I was wondering if you ever investigated getting advertisers for your podcast. Almost all of the podcasts I listen to, including others on mental health, have ads which help defray the cost of the podcast and perhaps help them make money as well. I really don't know anything about this topic, but was wondering if it is something that could help you.
Speaker 1:And I hope this is something you might consider. We would, of course, we would, of course, accept appropriate advertising that was safe and not disruptive or supporters for the podcast. And it has just not happened. I don't know why it has not happened. I don't know what we have to do to make it happen.
Speaker 1:We have tried in the ways we know how. We are ready on the platforms that are appropriate for us, and things just keep not happening. What we have had for support are people who themselves are struggling, and yet out of their own struggles, they give us $5 or $10 or $25. And other times, there has been a gift that comes that seems so completely random, but is just in the right moment at the right time for us to renew the website or to pay for the hosting, for the sound files, and things like that that if people had not stepped up by whatever intuitive prompting they received, we would not have been able to continue. And so the listeners really are are miracles in this, and we are so grateful for those who are able to give.
Speaker 1:The place to give and to get set up as a regular subscriber is on the website at systemspeak.org. And there is a donate button, and you can do a one time donation or a monthly donation. So that is how, and thank you, Holly, for caring and suggesting that yes. Of course. Of course.
Speaker 1:She says, it breaks my heart when I hear you discuss your family's financial struggles, and this podcast is just so very valuable, and you have such a large audience. I would like for you to be able to benefit financially from the amazing work you are doing. She says, I have made some financial contributions in the past, but today I subscribed for a monthly contribution to support you and the podcast. I will look for more opportunities to do so in the future. That's so kind of you.
Speaker 1:That is that is that's very sweet of you. We just have a big family and they have high acuity so there's extra medical bills but all families are struggling especially now in the pandemic and we absolutely understand that. We understand that almost all of the survivors for different reasons are struggling because we do not have resources from our family. So many of us do not have any sort of inheritance or support financially or emotionally from our families. We have to do things on our own.
Speaker 1:And so it's absolutely a starting from scratch. And our family starting up was no different than that. And so the story of our family is that it has been hard and yet we have always had sufficient for our needs and I will be grateful for that and provide for the children. They have what they need and we do our best to keep up with that and it is absolutely a hard thing, but you struggle and sacrifice for children to meet their needs and care for them because they are children And that's what should have been done for us. And even if it wasn't, we know to do it for them.
Speaker 1:So there are many of us out there that parent by doing the opposite of what was done for us. And that's okay. It's a starting place, right? Why we learn and heal to do better. Holly says, I heard you say on podcast 186 that you are starting with a new therapist.
Speaker 1:I wish you the very best with this one. I hope you feel safe and are able to make a good connection. Oh my goodness, we made a fabulous connection and then we moved. And so we lost that therapist again and it has been a nightmare. But we are trying and we have another one.
Speaker 1:We will see her for the second time this week online with telehealth and so we will absolutely share how that's going if we remember you know how that goes. Lisa says I've listened to the Footprints episode and I have so many big feelings. Okay, before I even read Lisa's email, let me tell you that will be one of my top five favorite episodes. Not because it was so happy or good, but because it was so very vulnerable and it was so very painful and it was finally a way to put into words of what I have been dealing with the last nine months in the best context and expression unrelated to anything else that I could say safely, publicly. And it helped me so much to finally put that into words, and it helped me so much to express those feelings even though they were very hard and painful.
Speaker 1:And so for us internally, that was a very powerful and gutsy episode to share. So I appreciate the feedback. The footprints and the restructuring episodes are probably the episodes we have received the most feedback on since all the way back to the MS Top 10 episode where we talked about all the things we had learned from the therapist in Oklahoma. And so I know that has resonated with so many and I appreciate that because it was a part of my life that I needed someone to hear. And so I appreciate that it has been seen and heard and felt and understood and that brings so much healing.
Speaker 1:So Lisa says, you are amazing. I can't put into words all the emotions, but I want to reach out to the little girl and young woman whose life was so alone and so full of shame and hold them by the hand and sit right down in the grime with them and shine the light you give me right back into you all. You are so enough, and you are loved and no longer by yourself. Thank you for all you share and continue to take care of self with capital s. Thank you, Lisa.
Speaker 1:You have been such a good cheerleader and supporter and encourager all along, and your emails mean so much. And I think all of us need to remember exactly what you said, that we are no longer alone. Oh my goodness. So Rebecca from Kansas City wrote, and I can't believe that we have a listener in Kansas City, and now we've just moved away from there. Yes.
Speaker 1:Kansas City. We love Kansas City. Anyways, Rebecca says, I just have to say thank you, all of you. I listen to the podcast every chance I get, and I wonder, how do they do it? I am just How do we do it?
Speaker 1:Well, I just hold up the phone and talk at it. It's really fairly simple. I am just in awe of all of your hard work and effort to reach out to the others and be on your own healing journey as well. You all are superstars. She says, I have complex PTSD, C PTSD due to my home life back home, and I do know what you're talking about.
Speaker 1:Rebecca, you shared with me the name of the town that I don't want to say right now on the air, but yes, I know what you're talking about, and I hear you, and you are welcome to email me some more. I Rebecca says, I am in the process of healing. It has taken two years, but I finally have found a great therapist who is helping me understand what the heck has been going on. I do not have DID, but I do have an A and P and multiple EPs that are somewhat fluid with one another. We are all just now coming to terms with opening up and sharing memories and emotions with one another.
Speaker 1:It's not like DID in the sense that I have amnesia. We are much more fluid in that sense. It's definitely difficult to explain. Rebecca, that doesn't take away from the podcast at all. The podcast is about DID because that's our diagnosis, but OSDD and other trauma disorders and dissociative disorders, all of that we can learn together, absolutely.
Speaker 1:And I love hearing from other systems and other people whose process is different than my own. We all learn from each other. So I think it's fantastic you wrote in. Thank you. She says, the point is your podcast has helped so, so much.
Speaker 1:It also reminds us that we need to self care by going for walks daily and snacks and chips and salsa. Oh. Sorry. I was just grieving salsa for a moment. I was feeling that.
Speaker 1:Dude, just restructuring. Okay. I've got to focus. I can't talk about it right now. But, yes, self care.
Speaker 1:It's a difficult thing. Thank you again for your hard work. You all are just amazing. Thank you, Rebecca. That's so kind of you.
Speaker 1:I'm so glad to hear from you. Barbara says, footprints leave heart prints instead. I'm sorry what happened to you. We wish you nothing but heart prints going forward. Well, that was just poetic, Barbara.
Speaker 1:That was so kind. Thank you. I'm going to have to think about that some more, what that means. You've given me something to reflect on. I love a good quote like that.
Speaker 1:There's just so many good words you all come up with. Melissa says, I found your podcast by extensive googling of DID related searches. I had no idea this podcast existed. Thank you for what you offer those with DID or those who treat them. One thing I'm looking for are ways to get the word out about an app I'm trying to make for helping communication in DID OSDD systems.
Speaker 1:Oh, she's got a Kickstarter. If you want to look at it, it's httpcolon//kck.st because it's a Kickstarter, and then /3d2e0rp. That's hard to say on a podcast. But I can share the link, and maybe we can talk to them. We would totally talk to you about it.
Speaker 1:We've used several Melissa, we have used several different apps for communication. And so if you're coming up with another one, that is a lovely idea, and we'll be glad to talk to you about it. Holly writes again and says, the last two episodes I listened to, one eighty four Christine Forner and one eighty nine Medical Model part one, were amazing. Throughout both of them, I was constantly saying out loud, yes, exactly. That's right.
Speaker 1:My older son keeps laughing at me because I listen to the podcast with noise canceling earbuds in my ears, walking around my house doing chores. And because I have the earbuds in, I can't really tell how loud I am. I'm saying yes and exactly and all sorts of other explanations really loudly. There was just so much that Christine Forner podcast shared. I listened to it twice and want to listen to it again.
Speaker 1:I could listen to her forever. Right? She's amazing. You guys, we love her so much. I wish there were more hours of the day.
Speaker 1:I know you can relate to that. And the patriarchy and the misogyny, and they act like it's all in our heads. Yes, yes, yes. And then following that, we hear from your amazing friend who is investing in understanding trauma and how that understanding needs to be brought into mainstream medicine. And again, we hear about how they all think we are difficult or trying to get attention or we are crazy, and they don't take the time to figure out what's really going on.
Speaker 1:And yes, it's sad because there are good doctors who want to help, but the insurance reimbursement system prevents them from doing so. That's why most of the doctors I see for my chronic illness do not take insurance so that they can actually spend the time they need to treat their patients. Unfortunately, most people can't afford that approach. I'm so you know what? I want to say something about this because I agree with you that many people can't afford that.
Speaker 1:And the same thing happens with therapy. It is a privileged thing to have a good therapist. It is a privileged thing to have access to a DID therapist. It is a privileged thing to have enough cash to pay for a good therapist. When you are on Medicaid, that is part of what has slowed us down in the last year.
Speaker 1:Getting on Medicaid because of all the drama in our family, they just put us on Medicaid, the whole family, which in some ways was helpful. But going from the doctors that we had chosen ourselves, where we liked the people and felt comfortable going and it was lovely and you went to the doctor and shifting to where you were assigned to go by Medicaid, it was terrible. We have seen some of the awful, scariest, filthiest places that Medicaid would pay for, that terrible people worked there, and you know that they were not getting reimbursed, I would be upset as well. They're not getting paid well-to-do their jobs. They don't have time to do their jobs.
Speaker 1:They're having to do quotas or be careful about paperwork or all the billing. It really, really is difficult and it sacrifices so much both for the clinician who's trying to work there and the patients who need to go there. And it's one of the greatest challenges that we have in trying to go to therapy now ourselves. To find a DID therapist, a session is going to be at least $100 if not a hundred and 20 or a hundred and $50. And most of these therapists, because they are not paid well enough by insurance, very few of them have a sliding scale.
Speaker 1:And because I'm aware that's so important, in my own practice almost all of my people come for half price. I don't have anyone right now, no person on my caseload right now pays the full price. Everyone has a discount of some kind. And so then I'm not making enough money even to pay for my own therapy. But what do you do because they need help?
Speaker 1:And it's more important they get help, than we put on more walls to prevent them from getting help, right? So it's a very difficult thing and I am a therapist so I understand a therapist needs to be paid. I know we have to pay for our college, we have to pay for our licensure fees, we have to pay for our CEUs, like we have to pay for offices that we can't even be in right now. All of those things I understand because I am a therapist and I do have those experiences and that context to understand. But at the same time when I look at my own personal family budget and think, okay, to not be crazy, I need to go to therapy once a week at least, if not twice a week.
Speaker 1:Nobody has time to get me in twice a week because there's a pandemic and it's crazy out there. Everybody is struggling. And I mean crazy in that positive way of all of us struggling together. I don't mean it as disrespectful way. Twice a week is not an option, and longer sessions are not an option because few people do that, so we were very spoiled to have that before.
Speaker 1:But when I look at the family budget, looking at trying to pay for therapy without insurance, and I look at a budget that costs a hundred for to be effective, to actually get involved and actually get in the process and to get things moving, I can't miss a lot of weeks. I'm not good enough or strong enough or well enough to function well enough to do consistently. I know that for myself. And so if I'm going to go every week, that's at least $400 a month, if not $500 or $600 a month. That's it's so much money.
Speaker 1:And I look at my children and I think I can go to therapy or I can buy groceries. I can go to therapy or I can pay for the van. I can go to therapy or we can have electricity. Like, it is so difficult to prioritize therapy at the level it needs to be when there are so many other things happening and the pandemic has only made that worse. So I don't mean to go off on the soapbox, but I agree with you 100%, Holly.
Speaker 1:So Holly says, Unfortunately, most people can't afford that approach, talking about paying for your own doctor in cash. I am so happy for you. You have found this amazing woman, our friend who talked on the podcast, and she is your friend. I hope that she can be a force of change for good to help educate mainstream medicine about the impact of trauma. I'm so looking forward to parts two and three of this conversation.
Speaker 1:She's an amazing woman and I'm so grateful she is our friend. She has shown such courage and compassion in learning about trauma and I am so grateful that she was willing to be on the podcast and to share her process because I think it was very powerful. And I've sent it to other doctors as well. And now I've heard from other physicians who have been referred to it and listened to it. And it is just a powerful thing.
Speaker 1:I am so grateful. Thank you, Holly, for encouraging even her. Holly says, thank you so much for continuing to deliver this amazing content to us. It is life changing. You make such a difference to me and my system.
Speaker 1:We feel understood. We feel heard even though we are the ones listening. You are a treasure. Oh, Holly. No.
Speaker 1:You are the treasure. Right? So delightful. Holly was on the podcast. That's who's writing that.
Speaker 1:Do you remember Holly on the podcast? She shared her personal story. It was so lovely of you, Holly. Carly says, oh my gosh. I just listened to the interview with Christine Forner, and it was amazing.
Speaker 1:With the community call for defunding the police, it really made me think about how we deal with anger and trauma in the community. At a mental health agency I work for, there is a guard and a glass window that can be closed to protect the staff. Recently, I read that someone was pounding spit on it. I don't know those situations, but when you think about attachment and relational trauma and the biological need to connect, it makes sense that having a window closed on you when you are desperate and upset could cause you to tip over into the fight response. That's just profound.
Speaker 1:Thank you for hearing and receiving what we were trying to share and for recognizing that in your own application in your life. That's that's amazing. She says, I love hearing about how you work with your kids and recognize them acting because they are in a trauma response. So often, those trauma responses get punished or shut down or denied. I sent a podcast link to the director of the agency, and he sent it to the head of our safety committee.
Speaker 1:I am hopeful that the more we know, the better we will be at creating safety and providing a space for healing. Oh, thank you, Carly, for being such an agent of change. Good for you. Good for you all. David says, I slash we made a commitment to ourselves to reach out and thank you for the efforts your system and guests have made over the past years.
Speaker 1:Can you believe it's years? The podcast has been on for years now. That's so funny. Over the past years in sharing your story and fighting stigma, our system began treatment in late two thousand eighteen after significant loss of loved ones and family resulting in development of challenges with our mental health. Our therapist has never treated someone with DID, but she has spent so much time working with supervisors and peers to educate herself and better help me in my journey.
Speaker 1:System Speak has offered a wealth of resources for both herself and our system, and more importantly, acted as an incredible form of representation for me and our system. I, we, are struggling to come to terms with multiplicity. This message took a lot of time to negotiate for approval to write. To not apologize for reaching out and defying the dialogue we fed ourselves that we shouldn't bother you. You know what?
Speaker 1:I think that's something that a lot of survivors feel. I think that because communication was always either shut down or neglectful or dangerous, we struggle often as survivors with the capacity of actually reaching out and initiating connection is very very difficult and when we attempt to do so and people are not responsive or dismiss our efforts it makes it very difficult to try again. And one of the most profound lessons that we have learned in the last year is that when we try to reach out or initiate contact and someone is accepting of us as we are in that moment and responsive right away we are able to continue trying to reach out. But when we try to reach out or make an effort and we are shut down or told we are doing it wrong or they want us to do something their way instead of listening to what we are trying to do or don't respond or are not responsive, then those things are triggering enough that it makes it feel dangerous. And I think for us specifically, the pattern feels very much like a domestic violence kind of situation.
Speaker 1:Why am I trying so hard to pour my heart out and connect in the ways I'm able only for you to tell me how bad I am, how wrong I am, or for you to not respond at all. And so it makes me want to stop. It makes me want to not keep trying because why? If I have learned anything in therapy over the last twelve years, a whole decade of therapy, if I have learned anything, then why would I keep putting myself through that? Now that makes sense, but what gets tricky is that other people are human too, and discerning who is dangerous and where there's an actual pattern of behavior of people who are dismissive or ignoring you or being bullying by making you be something you're not.
Speaker 1:How to discern between one of those three things actually happening and it just being people who are human and they are busy or have their own things going on just like we have our own things going on. And connection is difficult for us anyway and we don't call people, we don't email, don't text people. It is a very hard thing. So when it happens and we're able to do so, it is very brief and very short and only happens if the people are responsive and safe. And if it does not feel safe or they don't respond, then it starts to feel like a pattern of behavior.
Speaker 1:So it's tricksy. I don't know. You're onto something. I wish you were on the podcast right now, we could have a conversation about this. Because I think you're onto something that we are in process of learning, so I don't fully know how to answer what you didn't even ask.
Speaker 1:But what what what I feel like I need to respond to what you said. Anyway, you do not bother us, but I know the feeling of feeling like you're the one doing the bothering, either getting it wrong trying all the time or wrong for wanting to try. Right? They say your efforts, transparency, and poise in your podcast leaves us speechless often. Profound in the sense that we are not alone, we are worthy of love, and so much more, and that this condition is a tool that has helped us remain alive and deserves our acceptance and appreciation for such.
Speaker 1:Well, that was profound. You make the dark days brighter, offering something that resonates so deeply with us at times that the persecutors playing your crazy on repeat except that they can't win a fight against such strong invalid points presented by you or your guests. I'm gonna share some private information. And I have been working for the last year on my education in mental health. My therapist sings your praise and shows gratitude towards the motivation your work offers to me in my struggles with my mental health.
Speaker 1:I've read what our system agreed to send you and realized an introduction hadn't occurred. Writing in multiplicity is uncomfortable for me still, but they're helping me work on it. Thank you all for all the work you have done and shall continue to do and the impact it has in the world, whether you get to see the effects or not. Thank you. Well, was lovely.
Speaker 1:That was so kind of you. Thank you for the encouragement, and thank you for your own hard work. I'm seriously proud of you. That takes such courage, and it shows such tenacity when we just keep going. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 1:Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsspeak.com. We'll see you there.