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Former Division I soccer player turned race car driver, Anna Kouba Bowers, comes from a long line of professional racing drivers. Her family's legacy in American car racing dates back to the 1930s, beginning with her grandfather Earl Kouba. In 2018, her dreams of continuing to follow in the family's footsteps nearly came to an end following a traumatic brain injury. Anna Kouba Bowers talks TBI, motherhood after brain injury, and her return to the track with, host, and journalist, as well at traumatic brain injury survivor Christina Brown Fisher. This episode includes discussion about suicidal thoughts and ideation. If you need help please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1 (800) 273-TALK.
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What is Me, Myself & TBI: Facing Traumatic Brain Injury Head On ?
Me, Myself & TBI: Facing Traumatic Brain Injury Head On provides information and inspiration for people affected by brain injury. Each episode, journalist and TBI survivor Christina Brown Fisher speaks with people affected by brain injury. Listen to dive deep into their stories and lessons learned.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Hello and welcome to the show, Me, Myself and TBI. I'm your host, Christina Brown Fisher. I am a journalist and writer. I am also a traumatic brain injury survivor. In 2014, I was diagnosed with a TBI following a motor vehicle wreck and spent a year in intensive neuro rehabilitation. Today's guest knows a lot about brain injury and car wrecks.
Anna Kouba Bowers is a racecar driver. In fact, she represents a long line of racecar drivers dating back to her grandfather, who helped pioneer the early days of American car racing in the 1930s. She's continued that legacy strapped into a 650-horsepower dirt warrior known as a Sprint car.
In 2018, she survived two wrecks on the track. One of those crashes would forever change the trajectory of her life. I first connected with Anna through Pink Concussions. It is an advocacy organization aimed at driving change for management and support of women and girls with brain injuries. This episode may be triggering for some listeners --- so, a warning.
Traumatic brain injury is often described as an invisible wound. According to a study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the CDC --- suicide is a top cause of death linked to traumatic brain injury. My conversation with Anna shines a bright light on one of the darkest moments many people with TBI sometimes face --- when she considered taking her own life. Please take a listen to.
Christina Brown Fisher:
I want to initially talk about Anna, just your family history and connection to racing and then from there we can talk about, how you came to it. I know your interest in it was at a very, very early age. But I think it would just be really wonderful for the audience to kind of understand the Kouba legacy and impact on racing and your connection to that. Thank you very much for coming on, Me, Myself and TBI, I remember when I first heard you speak for Pink Concussions, I was, one, just initially blown away by the fact that, “oh, there's a female racecar driver.” That's not something that you necessarily see or hear from too often. And it was fascinating to hear your recovery story. You and I both know that recovery is, it is not linear, and it, it's almost sometimes it feels like it's forever. But it was inspirational to hear your approach to recovery following brain injury. But even more interesting was knowing about your own family legacy and connection to race car driving. So let's start there because to talk about the Kouba family and Kouba racing, we have to go as far back as the 1930s?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yep. Yep, that's correct.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Okay, so let's start there.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Sure and thank you for having me. I'm really happy to be a part of this and just kind of talk about and build awareness just for concussions in general. But kind of looking back at our legacy, you know, Kouba name when it really started and got its footprint into racing was with my grandpa Earl Kouba back in Colorado 83-years ago now, which is pretty incredible. He raced Midgets out there, won a number of races, series, championships, things like that. He actually raced up Pike's Peak, which is in Colorado, down near Colorado Springs. So, if you ever get a chance to take a look at that, it's pretty crazy just the amount of bravery that back then, especially with the equipment and things of that nature. You know it was a lot riskier sport even than it is today, which a lot of people, when they think of racing, they think the risks that are involved, the speeds that you're going and all that.
Christina Brown Fisher:
And I think they think of NASCAR and formula, you know, Formula One racing. So, and you, and you mentioned Midgets. Let's first talk about that because even that in and of itself is really interesting. The Midget vehicle.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Mm hmm, yeah, so, a lot of people are like big he raced midget, that's pretty, pretty funny. And when he got inducted into the Hall of Fame this past year down in Tulsa, Oklahoma, when I said that's what I was going to do, people are like, “he raced Midgets?” It was it's kind of comical. But basically, what that means is an open wheel car, just like sprint car racing. So, think of stock car, NASCAR closed wheel meaning, that has fenders on those vehicles and those race cars versus open wheel, really opens up the, the risks on, you know you're closed, the closed wheel, the wheel action there's nothing really, hopping from a car, jumping over a tire. You know, I'm going to flip. So that's why a lot of the excitement comes with both major racing and sprint car racing. And when you look back at, you know, the early years of it, the type of equipment you had, you really just had a lap belt. So, when, when my grandpa started racing, it was just simply, you know, the love of the sport and you knew the risks. And there was people, you know, at any given time were not making it home after the race. So, it was definitely a passion that was instilled in the family really early through what he was doing. He was also a cattle rancher, but racing was always kind of the center point of his life and center, part of his love outside of my grandma and my, my uncle and aunt and my dad.
Christina Brown Fisher:
What kind of early memories do you have with your grandfather and these Midgets, these wonderfully fast and dangerous vehicles?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
He actually passed away when I was six months old, unfortunately. So, it was kind of one of those things where I never really got to know him, but I got to know him through my father and through my aunt and uncle and the legacies that they have built and paved the way in racing.
Christina Brown Fisher:
So let's talk about that. We're obviously talking about your family's impact and legacy on racing. You talked about your grandfather late 1930s doing Midget car racing, but it was really your father that had the most profound impact and really where you got your introduction to racing.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, so my dad has been racing, you know, he was in the sport for, you know, thirty plus years, just himself racing, competing at both Midget and then in Sprint car in his career as well as, you know him and my uncle kind of racing side by side throughout the nineties and the 2000s and you know my goal was always to someday race against him and just time kind of came upon us and it didn't happen in time. But, you know, my brother was also in the mix. So at any point in time, you know, there were three Koubas racing and it was pretty incredible as a child and as a kid, you know, growing up, teenager, watching three of your family members race each other and at times, you know, potentially take each other out, which, which carried into even future races.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Oh, I bet Thanksgiving at your family's house must have been interesting.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Very interesting times, but it was actually crazy, you know, when there was four of us, because at one time, you know, I started racing and my cousin, which is my uncle's son, Jake, he was racing as well as my brother Joseph and my Uncle Jimmy. So, there was four of us out there for probably two years solidly at every race, which you when you, when you think about a field of cars, that was a good chunk of it. So, you know, most times we have 20 to 25 cars on the track and then four of them are your family members. It gets a little bit interesting. So, yeah, some interesting family, family dynamic dinners and holidays. It was truly a family dedicated situation because it was all hands-on deck when people were there. And just where it’s really came. You know, when I think about women, too, in racing and myself, during the early years, women weren't allowed in the pits.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Wow.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Anna Kouba Bowers: So, you know, my aunt, who's now been working in IndyCar, NASCAR, all of those things for so many years, was never even allowed to be down in it, in that, you know, in the thick of things. And now, you know, that's what she's lived her and based her entire life on. So, it's pretty incredible to think, you know, where things have came just from that, and now not only from just the car technology, but also just the human aspect of it, right? So the fact that I'm racing and, you know, my kids can race and all of those things is just pretty remarkable to see kind of where things have came from. So, you know, kind of going back to your point is, yeah, in my you may not felt like I was you know, I never got to meet him, but it always felt like he was a presence in me. And what's what's probably the coolest, really memory. And I would say my tie to him is that when he passed away, we started doing a memorial race for his legacy, him and then my grandma when she passed away, just because she had been involved in it, you know, the entire duration of her 70 years of life. But on the 25th and final memorial race that we had for them, I actually won it. And that was my first win in a sprint car, which it was just one of those surreal moments that, you know, I really felt he was there. And even though I never got to meet him, he, he was with me in that car.
Christina Brown Fisher:
How old were you when you won that race?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Oh, good question. I was about 24-years old when I won that.
Christina Brown Fisher:
And you had started in the Sprint car around what time?
Anna Kouba Bowers: So I started kind of I would say the first time I ever got on a Sprint car was age 18. But that year I was still playing collegiate soccer, so I really did not. It was more just, you know, when I'm done is, is something that I still have a passion for that I want to continue pursuing. And it was certainly something that I knew that I was going to come back to. A little bit hard to do with a Division I soccer plan ahead of you. But I really started full, full circle in a sprint car in 20 or when I was about 20. So it was about few years after that, which just shows the different, you know, the difficulty and the learning curve that goes with, you know, Sprint car racing. I'm a speedster.
Christina Brown Fisher:
I'm glad you brought up your collegiate soccer career, because I read that at one point when you were younger, you said that the only two things that you possibly wanted to do when you grew up was either to be a professional soccer player or a professional race car driver. And so let's, let's talk about your soccer career, because I understand that when it comes to your brain injury history, you not only faced it on the racetrack, but you also dealt with it because of your involvement in soccer.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
You know, soccer was something that I always had a passion for, just being on a field, the camaraderie of being on a team, the leadership aspect, which is now carried over into my life, you know, now in my career. But it had been something that I always just really enjoyed doing from a very early age. I think I started playing soccer, you know, kicking the ball around at age, you know, year-and-a-half, two years. And then I started playing at three and it just was something I knew I had a drive for. Between that and racing, that that was what was my life was going to be in one of those two ways. But throughout my career, you know, in soccer, just the ability to be with people and learn and kind of overcome things together was a big thing for me. And that was really where some of my larger hits from as far as concussions came from. You know, I remember very clearly one, one in particular. I took a header from midfield and all of a sudden I was off the field and I don't remember quite being off the field, but what I was told later on is that I was just, you know, they found me wandering on the other side and the ball was way on the far side and I was on the other side of the field. So that's when I knew to pull me off and I was trying to take a drink of water and I poured it down, you know my shirt.
Christina Brown Fisher:
You were trying to drink water, you missed your mouth, and instead it went down your shirt.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, and in my mind it was right there. So, that was one of those things where that was kind of probably the first real big one I had. And I didn't realize then what it quite meant concussions. Even when I started out, the just the knowledge of what it is, especially in youth sports, was nowhere what it is now. So you know, I thought I could go back out there. I wasn't understanding what was going on.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Did the coaches think that you could go back out there?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Oh no they didn't put me back.
Christina Brown Fisher:
They didn’t put you back in? So there was at least the awareness that you needed to sit out for a little bit. Do you remember how long you sat out? Was it days? Weeks? What did that recovery look like?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
I know from there it was probably not very long. Again, like if you come to know me, you come to know that I don't really like being slowed down very much. So it was one of those things where once I, the kind of a headache went away, I went right back at it. But I do recall a few different times where there was some significant head hits, whether it was a head to head contact or things like that, that just kept progressing. So when people ask me, you know, how many concussions have you really had? I don't really know that answer. There was at a point where I ended up getting one and went into the doctor. I think this was probably when I was about 18 or 19. Yeah, no, maybe 17. And they were like, how many concussions have you had?” And I said, “I'm not really sure. I know I've had a few.” And they at that point already there was talk about, “well, this might not be something you can continue doing, you might not be able to play sports.” And so and I just even the thought of that to fathom, I didn't even from like not from just society like that wasn't a thing. You weren't going to quit your career at such a young age because you had your bell rung.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Did that make you want to think twice about being forthright about what you were feeling?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yes.
Christina Brown Fisher:
It did?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Hmm, um, so, a lot of times anything that would have happened, you know, again, it started out to be where I really felt like where I started keeping things in when I started feeling them and when I had kind of emerged where I was playing soccer collegiately and racing, that was certainly when I didn't want one impacting the other. So, there was a lot of just kind of sucking up and dealing with it and not wanting anybody else to know. One because I didn't want to jeopardize the race team, but then I didn't want to jeopardize the soccer team and the people that relied on me.
Christina Brown Fisher:
It's interesting that you said that you didn't want to jeopardize the teams. Did you ever think that you, was there ever an awareness that you were jeopardizing your health? It seemed, it sounds like you're saying the loyalty was greater to the teams and there was almost maybe a lack of awareness of what it was doing to you personally? Healthwise.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, in my mind, I never really had considered really what it was doing to me health wise because I didn't have the knowledge that I do, even after a lot of my accidents, I didn't realize what long term …
Christina Brown Fisher:
Right…
Anna Kouba Bowers:
These concussions would do to me. So I thought it was always one of those things. Like anything else, you know, when you have a banged-up knee or a sprained ankle, you know, you can tough through it. Which head injuries that are really not, not that way at all.
Christina Brown Fisher:
And so you're playing soccer. At what point does the shift occur where you recognize, okay, “the career is not in soccer, but there's a real chance, a real opportunity in racecar driving?”
Anna Kouba Bowers:
When I finished kind of my soccer career, that's really when I dove into the racing career. Meaning that I was done with finishing up college, that, that period of my life was over. It was not something I was going to pursue further, but racing was, and it was something that I knew that I could make an impact on. Just from being a female in a male dominated sport. It was, I felt like that was my calling. My calling was to set the standard, to set apart what women had been in racing, and now there's been a lot more, but there's not been a lot in Sprint cars specifically just because of the volatility of the flips of the accidents and the risks that are involved. Typically, women have not been heavily in sport particularly.
Christina Brown Fisher:
I'm just really curious to know where you think that came from, that resolve, right, that you that you were the one to make a difference and potentially how to pave the way for other women who might want to consider sprint car racing? Yeah, it sounds like you were undaunted by the fact that you were entering this heavily male dominated sport.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, that's a great question. I think for me, growing up, even some of my closest friends had always been males, and I kind of always challenged myself to try to be as good or better than them and not be seen as different just in general. Now, knowing physically women and men are very different and we are good and bad at certain things for a reason. But in racing, just wanting to show women that you can overcome what the society norm is, you can pave the way, you can blaze the trail, you can do things that maybe aren't necessarily socially normal and still make an impact in the way and the way it really started to hit me was just the little girls that would be coming up and just the awe that you see them in, when they see that it's a female in there, the excitement and just I can't even describe it. But really it was like they had seen almost like a celebrity. Not that I wanted to be a celebrity, but almost like it was like seeing something that they'd never seen before. And when I well, a lot of my paint schemes that are people that would be saying, “you need to have pink, you need to have purple, you need to be identifying yourself as a woman.” And I said myself is identifying that this is my identity. So if I have a blue car, that, that doesn't matter, that you don't have to dress yourself up, you don't have to pretend to be somebody else, you can be who you are and it does not matter. So, I never wanted to be seen as different. I just wanted to be given a chance. I just wanted to be treated like everybody else out there and not held to a different standard. And so for me, it was very important that even in the way I design cars, that the way that I looked it was for that. So I'm not saying that I was the only person to ever do it, but it was just the way that I knew with some of my background where I had been being in sports and being an adult, a lot of different things that I could make an impact to people around me.
Christina Brown Fisher:
What did you find the response to be like among your peers? Was it any more challenging, for example, to get sponsorship because you're a woman?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
In some ways, yes. You would have some people that would kind of turn away. In some ways probably, but in a lot of ways, too, others, like especially competitors. If people around you, were like, “well, you're only doing that,” or “you're, you're only getting this because you're female, because you know somebody wants something from you.” So, it's kind of actually the opposite. Not that I got a lot of sponsorship because of, because, or because I wasn't a female, but mostly it was that you're getting these special treatment, so, you have this because you're a female.
Christina Brown Fisher:
I see.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
So that was a little bit frustrating.
Christina Brown Fisher:
So you're constantly having to prove yourself on a number of different levels, basically? Did you find yourself only because you brought up the fact that once you started being questioned about your concussion history with regards to soccer, you tended to not let people know, to what degree you were dealing with symptoms or issues still connected with it. Was that also the same in the racing community in that there I guess you would have to work even doubly hard to show that you're unwavering or unmoored by the physicality of the sport?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
I guess for me, it wasn't something that you really had to show the physicality difference when you're out there racing and when the car is set up right, and you're you're in a good position to drive mentally. Most of the time it really is not that difficult and it's not that difficult to show, you know, your skills if you're faster than somebody, you're going to get around them. But the bigger thing was racing and how people race me a little bit differently. They would assume that potentially I would back down versus try to show them, you know, the other thing or showing them the opposite of that.
Christina Brown Fisher:
When you say on the racetrack, maybe they're making an assumption that because you're a female driver, that that they can maneuver or move around you in a way that perhaps they wouldn't try with a man, can you explain what that would look like? What would they try to do with you that you think maybe they weren't going to do if it was a male driver?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, so, I mean, I guess probably one of the reasons, you know, when you get to the end of the straightaway, if you're not already showing that you're kind of in that line, I'd be, they would be doing it way further down the road. So meaning like we would be going into a corner and they were trying to basically cut me off. Think about like driving down the road, right? Somebody driving and they cut you off. It's similar to that where they were to basically push the limits when they should not be there in that position, which can happen, you know, not just them to me, but it happens in general, on open wheel. But it was one of those things I noticed that very early on, because they knew that maybe I didn't have the same amount of bravery that they might've had, so they kind of would just slide me. And they call it slide jobs, but they would slide me a lot more in the beginning knowing that I probably brake before them, or if we were going like side by side, they would try to take the line away and know that I would move away versus I had to show them I was not going to move and I was not afraid if this ended in an accident.
Christina Brown Fisher: Explain to me, “slide me” again. I love the jargon. I want to hear, what does “slide me” mean?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, it’s called “slide job.”
Christina Brown Fisher:
Slide job?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, you're coming into the corner and you set somebody up. You basically going into the corner, you dive underneath them and kind of float up. So you're taking their line away. You'll see it a lot. If you watch any sort of sprint car racing. It's actually what makes it probably one of the most unique sports out there.
Christina Brown Fisher:
And I feel like sprint car racing is just so much more intimate. I just, you know, even if you're a fan in the stands, there's a good chance you're going to leave covered in dirt. I mean, there's just no chance of you not having some sort of interaction. It feels like just because of the nature of the course too, talk a little bit about the course and kind of how it differentiates from what people might readily assume when they think race car.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, it's actually funny. Whenever I am telling somebody, they’re coming for the track for the first time, I say, “make sure you don't wear anything nice or anything white because you are going to get blasted with some dirt.” Yeah, there's really nothing much like it when especially, when, so, the track over time changes when you start out. You know, in the early part of the night, a lot of the time it all comes down to moisture, conditions, of whether it's humid out, if there's dryness, wind, all that plays a factor in how the tracks are. And plus, the surface, what it's made out of. Whether it's made out of clay or hybrid material of dirt, like everybody just assumes that's it’s dirt. Well, there's a lot of things that go into that, that change the course of the surface over time and over the evening. So, early on in the evening, a lot of times there's a lot more moisture in it because they’ve prepped the track, it's ready to go. So the terminology called “hammer down,” meaning that you really aren't lifting, your panels all the way down and you aren't using any brake. There's just a lot of traction, and as the as the night progresses, that starts, to what they call blow off. Meaning that it starts to get drier, it starts gets slickier, it starts to get more tactical, a little more difficult. You're using brake, you're using the throttle, using a lot more mental thoughts, when you're driving, you can’t just go into the corner and everything sticks. So you're thinking about things a lot more and you're using a lot of setup. A lot of people don't realize how much truly goes into just getting on the track. So making sure your shocks and your chassis set up, and your wheel space and your stagger. There's a lot of things that really happen and that you're watching as you're seeing the track change and what you're feeling when you are out there. So when you are at a Sprint car race, you know you're out there and you're just thinking these drivers, they're just out there and they, they've they're not really thinking about anything when really there was a lot that went into it before they even get on the track. And then it's a lot of it is reactive and instinctive moves when you are in a sprint car because there's not that much time, you're turning really fast laps. When you think about NASCAR, and I've used this as an analogy before, NASCAR are, you know, are anywhere from one to two-mile tracks and you're turning anywhere from one to two-minute laps, depending on, again, the speeds and what the track configuration is. But sprint car racing on most of the tracks we race on are, you know, 3/8 mile, and so you're turning anywhere from 12 to 11 to 15-second laps. So, you're going very fast and there's a lot of things that are happening at one time.
Christina Brown Fisher:
When did you suffer your first head injury, concussion, connected to racing?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
So my very first one was in 2018. And so that was really where my journey, I would say truly on concussion, post-concussion very strong, you know, symptoms that lingered for a long period of time started in that year.
Christina Brown Fisher:
What happened?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
So it was kind of a course of two, there's two back-to-back wrecks, meaning back-to-back. I had one in April and then this one there was one in July.
Christina Brown Fisher:
So, April 2018, April 2018. There's a wreck. Let's talk about that and then let's talk about the one in the summer.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
The one in April 2018, I was racing in what they call a Last Chance race. So, I had experienced just somebody took out my front end, meaning that I didn't I wasn't able to finish the qualifying race because I got in an accident. Not anything bad, just a minor, but it was enough to not allow me to finish that race. So, I was in what they call Last Chance the B-main, trying to get into the main event and was passing and setting up a car for one of the final transfer spots when they lost their front wheel and I had nowhere to go. So, I ended up trying to avoid them spinning out and was kind of just sitting there in limbo when a car that had been a couple laps down came, didn't see me and T-boned me right into my driver's side, where it sent me barrel rolling down the backstretch of the track. So I don't, I don't feel like I really got a concussion from that point. I didn't get knocked out. I didn't really have any sustaining injuries, you know, besides probably some whiplash, knowing that, you know, you got hit from a side and you started flipping. But I think that was really where my, you know, my potential injury started.
Christina Brown Fisher:
You did not lose consciousness?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Nope, not in that one.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Do you remember feeling anything in the hours or days following that felt off to you at the time?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, for me it was really just soreness, you know, my neck was extremely sore and that's where I think a lot of my neck injuries have came from outside of the one that happened later in the year. But it was one of those feelings where you're just kind of sitting there and you're like a duck, duck in the water. When you get hit, your tensed up, you know, you're just hoping everybody made it by you. And it for me, it was everybody had I didn't know there was anybody left. So then all said, and you know, you have that fear and they're, they're not slowing down. So, hitting you at 80, 90 miles an hour direct hit, you're going to probably have some residual from that without even really realizing it.
Christina Brown Fisher:
So that's April 2018. How soon after that do you get back into the vehicle?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
One week later.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Oh, my goodness. Wow.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
So the next week, actually, we had a really great night going. I ended up winning by almost a half of a lap in a, in a qualifying or qualifying race. And then my motor blew. So I blew up all the times after.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Blew up? Did you say blew up as is in on fire?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Blow up like, blew up like, you got to think like it just stopped working. Okay, now all that broke loose.
Christina Brown Fisher:
I'm clutching my pearls over here.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
This terminology is so funny because we speak it all the time and yeah, it's like anything else you kind of get in your, your knowledge of it, right?
Christina Brown Fisher:
Right. But a week later. So, I mean, you've just been T-boned a car hits you going 80-miles an hour and you're “okay, I'm back in the car, alright, just another day at work.”
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Gotta get it fixed up and we'll get back out there and you're back in the car.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Okay, so you're driving again?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
We're back in the car like nothing happened, right? Like nothing happened it’s all good. So again, yeah and that's I mean, there's it's probably mind blowing to a lot of people, but you'll see especially like even at the highest levels from sprint car racing, I mean, somebody will flip out of the car or take a really bad hit and they have a spare car, they roll it out. They you know, they get over it and they get back and they get back in the race that day. Like, it's just, it's a mentality of what the sport is, is you don't sit out you know? If you have means you're going to race. I mean, there's just no two ends about it. I mean, by the same in any other sport, right? You know, unless unless you're, you know, incapacitated, you can't do anything. You’re probably got to get back out there.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Yeah, and you don't want your head getting in the way, you know, talking you out of it either. And one of the best ways to do that is to get back in it as quickly as possible. When you did get back in a week later, did you notice anything that felt a little unsettling at all?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
I know outside of like, you know, with the how tight you are in the car and just where your shoulder belts sit. I mean, I had bruises everywhere. So that part was probably the most unsettling. But being back in it, I knew the sooner I got back, you know, the expression back on the horse, as soon as I got back in the car, the better, because it is a very much of a mental sport. That the longer you wait, the worse it's going to be.
Christina Brown Fisher:
And so, then what happens? You're back in training, you're back racing. Then what?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yep, so, we're back racing. It was actually, again, probably the strongest season we had been having for quite some time. Fast forward into July, the end of July, there's a pretty big race that they have at our local track. So we were out there and it was one of those where I'm starting third or fourth on the event and it was just so weird. And I talk about this a lot where I have these just weird feelings, like when I said my grandpa was with me when I was racing, when I was out there, you know, there's no there's no transmissions. So everything is direct drive. So you have push start. So, somebody in a four-wheeler or truck, they push you to get it rolling, to get it in gear, to get it to fire the car to start.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Can you explain that? I appreciate you saying that. Can you just explain that one more time? Because that is a I'm glad you brought that up, because that's a very important distinction in terms of how these vehicles get start. Can you just explain that one more time, please, in terms of how you get the vehicles going?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah. So most cars, you know, they have a transmission and a starter, so they allow you to start sprint cars do not just because of the weight that goes into that. These are very lightweight, high horsepower machines. So when I say they're they are push start vehicles, you basically get kind of pushed out either by a truck or by four wheeler or whatever onto the track. And then from there they start us all at the same time. So, by starting us all, they have push vehicles against either a truck or four-wheeler that push you to start once the car is in gear. So basically, it's almost like a mechanism similar to what a starter and or transmission would be, where you would start it that way. But these don't have that. So it's, it's a direct drive.
Christina Brown Fisher:
And so even at this stage, which is obviously very routine, I mean, this is how you get on the track. Even at this stage in the race, you're feeling, what, at this point?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yes, so, it's one of those, you know, kind of events where I just had this feeling either it was going to be checkers or it was going to be you know, I was going to be hauled off on a wrecker. I just had this feeling it was going to be an eventful race just in my soul, whether I didn't know it at the time, really, what that meant, that it was going to change the course of my life that drastically. But it was towards the coming up on the second to last lap. And I was passing, you know, right? Racing right for second place, we could see the third place or first place guy as well. And we were racing, and it was going down the backstretch, which is not the front stretches of where the flag stand is, but the backstretch heading into the turn when I hit the sidewall. Just with my tire, which it has happened before, you know, sometimes that can happen and you keep racing. Hopefully it turns, you don't really think anything of it. You just you're pushing the limits. You're trying to pass the car. So when into the turn after that and the car wouldn't turn. So I went straight into the wall, ended up, you know, rolling a couple times within the air and was headed toward the ground inverted, meaning that my whole chest, my whole body was basically dangling kind of in the air. I mean, yes, you have harnesses on you.
Christina Brown Fisher:
You're upside-down?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
You’re upside-down heading into the to the ground.
Christina Brown Fisher:
And so you, you hit the wall at what how many miles per hour, approximately?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Probably by that time, because it was at the end of the straightaway, probably 120.
Christina Brown Fisher:
And so, you're hitting a wall at 120 miles per hour, you flip, you're rolling in the air and you're upside down?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Okay.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
And then coming to the ground, you know, basically nose down the front of a race car, nose down and to an abrupt stop landing on, you know, I'm on my head, not really on my head, but on the top side of the race car. So, from there, you know, again, I got out of the car very quickly. I had thought I was on fire. There was oil, very hot oil leaking from the motor because you're running at such high temperatures. So, I quickly was trying to get out of the car. I do remember ambulance coming up and people, you know, asking if I'm okay and all. I was trying to think, well, I need to get out of the car. I thought it was on fire. So, try to get out of car as quickly as I could. Got out of the car, was seen by first responders, went into the ambulance just for protocol, was like my knee hurts a little bit. They’re like, “is there anything else wrong?” And I was like, “nope, I think I'm good.” I didn't really disclose again that I had been knocked unconscious for a moment in time.
Christina Brown Fisher:
So, immediately you're already withholding information? Okay, so this is less than five-minutes after this car wreck and you're withholding the fact that you had lost consciousness?
Anna Kouba Bowers: Because in my mind, I was like, well, “did I really?” You know, you start second guessing it, right? You're trying to again, make sure that you have your answers in a row, like “what exactly just happened?” Your adrenaline is still pumping, you know, so fast that you don't really know and can't really assess what kind of injuries you might have had or what might have actually happened. I mean, it all happens in such fast time that most of the time, unless it's like really evident that something major is going on, you're, you don’t really know until that all kind of calms down and wears down, which is exactly what happened in my case when later that evening, being at the racetrack, there was a lot of, um, my uncle and my cousin still race. So I stayed there. We were we were watching the rest of that event and all of a sudden everything started spinning and I started throwing up, wasn't able to control a lot of things, and it was just the pain finally kind of set in on really, that I thought this might be really bad. I don't know what's going on.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Because now you're vomiting, now your vision and balance is off, is that right? Okay. And you're losing control of some bodily functions. So at this point, because you don't go to the hospital, you're just you're just checked out on site at the ambulance and no one takes you to the hospital. So this is now a few hours later, you're still at the track. When this happens, do you go to the hospital now?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
No, I mean, with histories of concussions, a lot of people will say, you know, you will vomit and things like that will happen. So and it was one of those things where I was monitored overnight. I was with a large group of my family anyway, so I didn't want to again, call too much attention to it. I didn't think it was going to be that horrific until it was about a Monday after when I was like, okay, I'm going to go into the clinic. I finally let my family know. I think I need to be looked at. Something is not right. I can't look at my screens at work. I could not I mean, the pain was just getting worse and worse. I was feeling way more nauseous and I knew I at least needed to get checked out. I think my biggest frustration was in my mind, I was like, “they're not going to be there's nothing wrong with me. They're not going to find it.” And little did I know that there was a lot more that is in the unseen eye that could be wrong with you. That maybe is not showing up on certain scans. So, I did go to the hospital at that point in time after they referred me from the clinic and did get CT scans and referrals to a neurologist from there to have follow ups. And that's kind of where I guess the road to recovery began.
Christina Brown Fisher:
What did the imaging reveal?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Just that there was some bulging disk. And you know my C2 to C6, but nothing that was showing, you know, a CT scans don't really show a lot within your brain. They just really show that if there's not structurally something wrong or a brain bleed or things of that nature, not much that they can do besides refer you on to a neurologist for further investigation.
Christina Brown Fisher:
How soon do you see a neurologist after that? And what are the symptoms you're experiencing in between the wreck and when you're when you're finally seen by a specialist?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yes, it did not it didn't get much better. I was seen actually a couple of days. Luckily, I was able to get in really quickly, which is not always the case, but was seen by a neurologist near our hometown. I'm in Minnesota, and right away it was, “what sort of medications can get you on to control the pain and control the symptoms?” Not really much on what we're going to do to recover you, but what are we going to do to at least make you function again? So that was I guess the real initial start was, yeah, I mean, I understood just wanting to get better, but I didn't really realize that there was so much more therapy that I would be needed in the early stages of my recovery, which a lot of people don't really realize that a lot of concussions can just be treated with some medication, but it doesn't really solve the problem in the long term. You know, you're going to be dealing with it down the road. And I think that's some of the awareness, even just with some of the things I've been through on what I like to share, what I have shared with people that have gone through it.
Christina Brown Fisher:
What did they say after you get this? I guess what medication protocol, what next?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
So we did an (unintelligible). So at that point, you know, it was like, well, we'll get some occipital nerve blocks. So that's when that really started. I didn’t really understand what an occipital nerve block was, but they, with the area that I hit in the way my neck had snapped down, I had a head and neck restraint, I had all the equipment that I thought I needed. Had I known there was probably a little more flexibility that maybe the neck restraint saved my life, saved me from potentially breaking my neck or breaking my back. It also had way too much, you know, movement where I still had enough snap down on my neck to injure it that way. So the treatment from there was occipital nerve blocks, physical therapy. And then just for me, it was just I needed to start strengthening again. If anybody who doesn't know what occipital nerve blocks, they are can pretty much block any sort of situation, any sort of pain that you might be feeling.
Christina Brown Fisher:
It's a nerve blocker, right, but how many of those would you need? And they typically only last for a certain amount of time.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
My very first nerve occipital nerve block, they did about 20 to 25 shots between my head all the way down through my neck and traps, and that lasted about a month and a half to two months. Then I'd be back, you know, I'd be having follow ups and I'm like, I'm not doing any better.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Right.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
What's next? And they're like, “well, let's just do some more nerve blocks.”
Christina Brown Fisher:
Yeah, I had that as well. It only lasts. Yeah. I mean, it's great when it's working, but you know, when it's not working, it's not great. So, you're, you're getting, you're getting more than a dozen of these shots and you're getting pain relief for about two months, but then what else is going on? Beyond the physical pain, what else are you dealing with?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, for me, a lot of it was just the depressive thoughts. The very sadness of just not really being able to control emotions. It wasn't, it wasn't horrible, but it was certainly something that was constant when you're in pain all the time. It weighs on you. It weighs on you a lot. And when you're not able to do the things, you want to be able to do, it's also difficult. So, from a work standpoint, you know, managing people, managing a team, managing, you know, multiple things with a lot of multitasking was, it was tough and not wanting to miss anything or not do a great job. So, it was basically relearning and reteaching myself on how I can function when I have some of these residual symptoms going on. So I was, again, practicing some of the short term, what are those things you can do? Writing things down, keeping notes, keeping lists.
Christina Brown Fisher:
You were forgetful? You were struggling with your memory?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
And just attention.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Did you find yourself also continuing to minimize the symptoms that you were experiencing? Were you transparent about what you were experiencing with people?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yes and no.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Yes, yes and no? Okay. So, what wouldn’t you say?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah. I think for the most part, people knew I had been in a wreck. They knew I was, you know, coping with some, you know, residual injuries. I was dealing with just a lot of different, you know, different more pain problems and anything else. But I think what I really did and what actually was probably some of my biggest downfall was just isolating myself. You know, I didn't want to lash out. I didn't want to just be around too many people. I already was doing that at work. So like in my personal life, it was really not putting myself in situations where I had to explain what was going on or explain why I was acting different. It was just it became very lonely, to be honest, and nobody really knew what I was going through and nobody really quite understood why I was feeling that way I was, and I think for me that was probably one of the hardest parts of my entire journey.
Christina Brown Fisher:
How did that impact your relationship, with your husband and more broadly with your family? Because, we're not only talking about the professional impact as a driver, but we're also talking about, how do you now function as a wife and mother and how do you just handle all of that?
Anna Kouba Bowers: So you know, going into the next season in 2019, you know, it was one of those things where I had thought I was better. I had thought I had been doing all these things, you know, some of the residual with the neck. I said, that's just going to be there. It's going to be something that I'm not going to necessarily have go away right now, but over time, I'm sure will be fine. So, I just kept again with my personality, I really, really struggle with the fact of I don't want to slow down. I don't want to not do the things I love. It was in my mind, it was still a big part of who I was as a person.
Christina Brown Fisher: You were going to will yourself into healthiness. You were, you know, you were going to white knuckle it.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, I was willing myself.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Oh, I know all about that, you're like, “by golly, my brain is going to get better no matter what.”
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, it is fine, I know. Yeah, so it was one of those things where I got into, you know, some practice laps and was doing that. And then there was a few, you know, the very first opening race, this is when I kind of was when I probably opened up a little bit where the people that know me best were like, “what is going on?” Because we had the first opening race and it was going to be a really rough track, like you could see it at the practice race. It was not great. So, I kind of just said, “you know what, we've had too many wrecks lately, like in the last year. I think we should just take this weekend off and regroup.” In my mind, it was like my vision. I'm not, I'm not, oh, I don't want to.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Oh, but you didn't say that?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
The track is not good, right?
Christina Brown Fisher:
You didn't say anything about your vision? You're saying, “oh, the track is not good.” Mmm, yeah, okay.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
And right away, like, it was like people were like, “that's never been you to back down from something like that.” So, it was already raising some red flags with people around me on the team, my dad and Ryan, you know, “why are you not wanting to race?” So, the next weekend came around. I'm like, “you know what, I'm going to get in it, like, it will be fine.” So went out and raced. So, I raced a handful of times in 2019 and didn't really have a great, great year, wasn't bad.
Christina Brown Fisher:
What happened in the car, what happened?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
It was just, I always my vision, you know, my depth perception was probably the biggest issue. You know, I'd be thinking I was right up against the wall running the line. I wanted to run, running the fast line, doing all those things, when in reality I was a foot and a half or two feet off, when that's not where that's not where I thought I was. So it would be those arguments and I started getting frustrated saying, “no, you guys aren't in the car. I know where I was racing at.” And it wasn't till I started putting cameras on me where I could see it and I'm like, “yeah, you're right.”
Christina Brown Fisher:
Oh, I want to spend some time on that. Okay, so you have the car wreck, the second car wreck, You are undergoing physical therapy. You are undergoing the occipital shots, the nerve blockers, which is giving you some relief for about two months at a time. And, but but your mind is very much next race season 2019. I'm going to be back in the car. So you're doing everything you can to make sure you're back in the car. So now the first race comes up. It's spring of 2019. You know, internally that you're having some vision issues, but you tell the team, “we're not going to race this weekend because I don't like the way the track looks.” And your husband and father are saying, “that's not like you, Anna, because you are unafraid of any track. So why you know, why does this track bother you and previous tracks?” So that means when your husband, where your husband and father are concerned, you weren't telling them about the vision issues that you were having. Is that right?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, I would say to Ryan at the time, “you know, something just doesn't seem a hundred percent right. I seem like I'm a little bit off, like on my vision. Like if you're saying I'm here and I'm really not even close to that, that was kind of where it started.” And he started to just pick up on some of these small things that “she is still fighting a lot more than what she's been leading on,” That's kind of where it started and really where the ending point was and where he really did step in was, I had been in like just a fender bender vehicle accident, nothing crazy, and then the very next day, I was out playing volleyball with some colleagues and just had like a just bump with another person on the team. You know, nothing crazy, but we hit we collided. Wasn't a head-to-head or anything like that. And I came off for one of our breaks in between and some of my coworkers were like, “what's wrong with you?” They were looking at me. They're like asking me questions and I'm like, “I don't know what you're talking about.” Now I'm getting more defensive. And I'm like, “you know, I think I'm just going to go, you guys can finish off this game.” And I just left. And so I got home and was talking to Ryan and I was supposed to race the next day at one of our local tracks in Princeton, Minnesota. And I just “I, I can't get in a car. I can't get in there. There's something very wrong going on. Like, I should not have had any of these residuals. These are not big enough hits. This is not something that should ever cause issues.” So right then and there, he was like, “I will drive the car,” because he also was a sprint car driver, just didn't have a car at the time. Like, “I'll get in it tomorrow. You, you call your dad and you let him know that I'm not letting you get in the car.” So, I told my dad, “I think I'm not feeling 100%. I don't want to get in the car. Ryan's going to drive it tomorrow.” So he got in. He actually raced out the rest of 2019. But during that time when he was taking over, that was where I had probably my biggest mental health breakdown. And just emotional destruction is what I really call it, because I, I hurt everybody around me. I was not myself. I had so much uncontrollable feelings and emotions and all sorts of things that I finally knew, that's when I really did need to get help. And that's when I decided to go to Mayo and get a referral to see their neurology team.
Christina Brown Fisher:
You said mental health destruction. How did that show up for you?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, I actually got pretty suicidal. It's hard.
Christina Brown Fisher:
It's okay.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
And I really do share this with a lot of people. So sorry about that.
Christina Brown Fisher:
There's no need to apologize.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
It was just a very dark time for me. Like it was very, very, very hard to not be able to control who you are. And I always kind of saw myself as somebody who was more of a beacon of light and wanting to be there for people and wanted to show up for people and wanted to not be the (sniffles).
Audio engineer:
I’m losing her.
Christina Brown Fisher:
We're losing the signal. Are you there Anna?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
I think I was doing.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Anna? Anna?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Oh, sorry about that you cut out.
Christina Brown Fisher:
No, I'm so sorry. We, we lost the signal. I need to tell you how grateful I am. I'm so grateful to you right now because no one wants to talk about this, right? It's hard, and it's, it's so important that we talk about this, but I'm sorry we lost the signal as you were talking about it.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Of course, we did.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Of course, we did.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Oh, that’s funny.
Christina Brown Fisher:
We lost the signal, I wanted to, I just want to go back, if you can, for just a moment.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah.
Christina Brown Fisher:
You talked about being suicidal. And if you don't mind, I'm going to ask you to talk about it again. If you can just explain to me what happened in those moments.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
There was just times where I would just be sitting in a room, you know, alone and just completely isolated because I didn't want to be around me. I didn't want to hurt the people around me that I loved. I didn't want to be a burden to people. I didn't want to not be able to control who I was. And this just has not been ever my personality to not to reach out to people, to need help. I'm the one that has always been the helper and the one that always has been kind of a beacon of light for people. So, when I felt like I was going to be letting them down, it really played a toll on me. And, you know, there was a time where I was, I honestly, I got locked out of my phone. I couldn't remember my passcode or passcode that I had used a thousands, millions of times, locked me out of my phone completely. And I ended up having to wipe it all out and get a new phone. And for me, those are some of the lowest moments. You know, I, I didn't want, I didn't want it to be something that I was never going to be able to recover from. I didn't want to be known as somebody who was disabled. I didn't want to be, again, just a problem for the people around me. And so it was a very, very dark time. And it was something that I just wasn't used to being.
Christina Brown Fisher:
How did you know and who helped you realize that you needed help professionally?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, I think for them, for me, it was Ryan was probably my biggest advocate.
Christina Brown Fisher: Your husband.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
He was the person that I, Ryan, my husband was my biggest advocate. Just saying, “you can't continue living this way. You need to tell people.” So we actually, we actually drove to my parents’ house and I explained everything that I had been going through. I explained how I had been lashing out, how angry I had been, how many times I was just irrational, uncontrollable in so many different ways and just finally broke down and just shared what I was dealing with and that I really needed help. And so outside it, you know, my parents were were big on that. They they felt bad for not understanding, for not realizing what was going on. But then I would say my Aunt Judy, who is big in NASCAR, she's worked with a lot of the, the best in that sport, particularly Dale Jr. who if you've read any of his books or understand what he's been through.
Christina Brown Fisher:
He's talked about it as well, yeah.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
She was actually my biggest advocate on getting into Mayo and actually getting seen by the specialist that I needed to see.
Christina Brown Fisher:
So, you get into Mayo. Who do you see and what happens after what happens next? Are you hopeful about what's going to happen or what could potentially happen?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, I think I was hopeful at that point in time because I had talked to a few different people that had gone there. There's just a lot of positive stories that came from people who have actually gone there and seen the actually comprehends comprehensive, you know, brain injury protocol program. So, I had seen a doctor there that had been well known, especially on the sport side of things with injuries. And it was actually funny when we got into the room and we started talking about racing, he was like, “well, I actually previously raced.” So, it was like right away, small world. It was that connection, and it just was one of those things where you knew I was in the right place. From there, you know, doing the assessments. A lot of memory recall, a lot of just where are the injuries stemming from, where some of these symptoms stemming from, you know, how do we manage the intercranial pressure because realizing that right there that a lot of that had not been even addressed and there was a lot of why I was experiencing the, just the emotional part of the injury, when that elevates a lot of times many people can't control some of the things that I was going through. So, it was reassuring and encouraging for me to be able to know that it wasn't all in my head that there was something going on, whether it was completely physical on the outside, you can't see at all. But they were able to uncover a lot more on the inside with different therapy is what...
Christina Brown Fisher:
Did you meet with a neuropsychologist?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yep, so I met with the neuropsychologist? Yep, I actually met with a good, good chunk of different therapists while there was we did a neuropsychologist. I also met with physical therapist or occipital, I mean occupational therapist.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Occupational therapist, yeah. Yeah, same here, yeah.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
And they did biofeedback. I did neuro psychology. I did all of that.
Christina Brown Fisher:
And how long were you being treated by the providers at the Mayo Clinic.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
For about 6 to 8 months. You know, when I, I had been seeing them COVID happened, obviously everybody knows how 2020 went, so it kind of moved to more of a tele, more on the phone via Skype. So that was a little bit differently different to be treated that way. But at the same time it was also good. I had kind of gauged and I had a better understanding and that was where I found Pink [Concussions] and sort of finding more resources of people, Pink, you know, I could talk to.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Pink Concussions, the advocacy group that raises awareness about brain injury, particularly among women. That's how I discovered you was through Pink Concussions. And how important is community? My goodness. I mean, that's the reason why we're here. Community is huge. At what point? Because I know you got back in the race car. We're going to talk about that. At what point do you start thinking, “I want to get back on the track again?”
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, that's always kind of one of those things that was always lingering on what we were going to do if I was going to get back in. And even in 2020, the world kind of stopped, but the world of dirt racing really did not. A lot of people still kept doing it and we still had races going on.
Christina Brown Fisher:
So, it's 2020 and at this point you have been doing you've been you've been doing very aggressive brain injury recovery treatment for about six to eight months and you're feeling confident. Is that right, about your ability to get back into the car or are you just feeling confident that you're at least in a better mental health state?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Confident I'm in a better mental health state, confident that I'm on the right path moving forward, even in the last conversation, right before, you know, the season was supposed to start talking with the neurologist, you know, the conversation was never if you really need to be in it, in the race car, if this was your profession, we would have a probably a larger conversation about it. But given that you aren't, this isn't what you're doing for your career. This isn't what you're doing right now anyways. What you're doing for anything outside of just additional not that, I really don’t want to call it a hobby, but additional passion.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Christina Brown Fisher: Are you saying that their approach likely would have been different if you said, “I want to get back in the car.”
Anna Kouba Bowers:
They were saying pretty much that they didn't think I was ready to get back in a car. They didn't think I should push it. If there was going to be something where there was money, whether it was I got my salary or things that was paying the bills, we could have a greater conversation about it, but they would not recommend it. So, it kind of put that to bed for the time being. I actually was pregnant or shortly after that got pregnant with our daughter and it was a sign. It was a sign. And I'm pretty strong on my faith, and I think that's a big reason why I got through what I got through. And given that it was a sign for me, it was a God thing, you know, I'm not ready to get in it. It is not my time yet. That time will come when it's ready to come.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Did you find during your pregnancy any of the symptoms diminish or minimize?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
It was actually pretty crazy. Yes, it was incredible. So that's why it was almost kind of a shock that when things started coming back after she was born. So she was born in January of 2021. Up until that time, kind of during the time I was pregnant, it was almost like I really was back to normal again. Being pregnant, you cannot be on any sort of the medications that you would potentially have been on before. So again, I was like, well, things are good and I'm not on medication. I'm not on all these things and I must be better, you know, all this time. This must have been the reason, you know, that it happened. So, it was probably for four months or so, maybe five months, where it started to slowly come back a little bit. It wasn't I wouldn't say I was back to where I was. That took probably almost upwards of, you know, eight months postpartum before I started really being like, this is weird. Like, you know, I didn't have any injuries. Again, I haven't done anything differently. All of sudden, I started feeling them again. It wasn't until later I found out that it's actually very normal for women who are pregnant to not basically the act of growing a human within your body trumps a lot of different.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Our body and yeah, our bodies heal to support to support the baby. I mean, I certainly experienced the same thing with our son when I was and then the same thing to all medications that I was on. You know, you immediately have to come off of it once they find out that you're pregnant. And I was I was actually kind of in shock because I was thinking, “well, wait a minute. You know, the migraines have gone away.” You know, all of you know, just a number of different issues just vanished. And then, like you said, within months after delivery, they started to come back again. But I'm also wondering, though, because I know and just in my own experience with with my son, I mean, I was still and continue sometimes to experience short term memory loss. And like you, just like you said, in terms of having a robust toolkit to help with those sorts of things, I did find that that was magnified a little bit in the months following delivery. And I remember thinking, “how much of this is mommy brain? You know, I'm not sleeping because I'm nursing, or how much of this is post concussive, right? You know, I didn't know. What was your experience like post-delivery?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, mine was pretty similar like that to, you know, some of that was you just equate it to the mommy brain, like you said, but it was like, I'm really fatigued very early, you know? And again, a lot of that you're you have a newborn. You're with two others that are on the go all the time. It was well, it had to be just because of that. But I probably in reality, there could have been some that was that post concussive syndrome, and coming back through with symptoms and I think it was very similar to what you experienced, that it was a forgetfulness and then just the fatigue that was just.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Overwhelming.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Seemingly overwhelming.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Yeah, yeah, it seemed like more than what anyone ever mentioned on the mommy blogs.
Anna Kouba Bowers: Exactly.
Christina Brown Fisher:
When do you get serious about saying, “I want to get back on the track, I want to get back into a race car?”
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Some of what my husband we met with Sprint Car Racing, but he also had a really good friend. Shane and Shane had been doing a lot of Champ Car racing, which is basically a form of road racing, endurance. Road racing with what, three cars and I converted to …
Christina Brown Fisher:
What’s it called, Champ Car?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Champ car. Yeah, street cars that are converted into, you know, race cars with roll cages, a lot of different changes that end up going into that. But you basically build a car into a race car, which is pretty crazy. Some of the different technology and the things that they do are it always fascinated me, you know, being an outsider watching, it's a lot different than actually being on the team. So Ryan had said, well, “maybe this is the path that we should go. Maybe this is a little bit less risk. This is something that you might be really interested in doing, but it's something we could do together that you want. You'll still get that racing taste, but you won't have the risks that Sprint cars, you know, the violent flips and the accidents that Sprint car racing has.” So I kind of always had that a little bit in my back of my mind, but I'm like, “it just isn't the same. Like, this cannot be as fun as sprint car racing.” And that's where my that's where my roots are. So that's where my passion has always been. So, it was hard for me to kind of really wrap my brain around doing anything but that. It wasn't until really, you know, in the last year, year and a half, we had bought an E-30, which is a BMW E-30, to convert it into a car. I mean, it was already a race car. But getting back up to running and just time, you know, kids, three race, four race cars, well, go two go karts and then a race car.
Christina Brown Fisher:
So, the littles are in it? The next generation they're already starting?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
The next generation is in it, so that's kind of really where I started thinking maybe my path was never to be a driver. It was to, one, go down the path of just concussion awareness and being an advocate on that side, especially what I went through on the mental health side, that again, not a lot of people have really known. But then also, you know, my path as a race mom and then a race wife, I had thought maybe that was really where I should be going. So, I kind of put it to bed when we didn't really do anything with the E-30 and ended up selling it and was just, you know, there to support my family and then to support people that I know that had been through some concussions themselves.
Christina Brown Fisher:
And I understand that your mom suffered a brain injury slipping on a patch of ice. A good family friend suffered a very significant brain injury as well. Just a few, was it a few weeks, a few months prior to you deciding that you wanted to go ahead and do this race?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, it was actually kind of around the same time that I was thinking about doing this race. I had been talking about it with a friend at the go kart track, his kids race along with our boys. So we had gotten to know each other, you know, had been talking about this for quite some time, putting together a team with his two kids and then himself and me being on a team. But it was one of those things where, you know, if it, if it happens, great. If it doesn't, great. And he kind of kept pushing me, which it's funny now, because had he not kept pushing me, I probably would have never gotten in a car without him. So that was pretty, pretty crazy that it happened around the same time. But yes, our dear friend did get in a motorcycle accident and sustained some pretty serious injuries and is actually on the road to recovery right now and is doing incredible given that it was not that long ago, but it was for sure a factor in my even thoughts of how am I going to race in a month knowing this had just happened.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Right, right, and what did it feel like getting in the car? I read that you have referred to being in the car on the racetrack is your place of solace. It's your happy place. What did that feel like when you finally returned?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, I think the just the feelings leading up into it and just what you're building up in your you know, in your mind about what it's going to be like to be back in a car, the excitement, the nerves, just all the unknowns. But once you're in the car and, you know, after you've taken that first couple laps and you're getting a feel for it, it was just like, this is, this is where I belong. And I finally felt that peace that I had not felt in quite some time by being back in a place that, you know, being at speed, racing, competing, all those things that just really like lit my fire was finally kind of there again. And to be able to know that I could do it and I was strong enough to do it, and that the injuries weren't going to prevent me from being as good as I thought I should be.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Were there any jitters as you suited up when you put the helmet on? Was there anything I mean; I'm thinking that you've there's probably a million thoughts going through your head at this time.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Oh, yeah, yeah, so with endurance races, you have a seven hour then an eight-hour race, so Saturday, Sundays. And I just remember thinking Saturday it was nervous, but after Friday things had been going pretty good. I felt pretty confident with what the car was doing and where I was. That Saturday, we had, a, you know, I had a little bit of difficulty adjusting to some of the conditions. And we found, you know, maybe some issues were with the car, but I had a spin on a blind corner and cars are just flying by me as I'm trying to get the car back started. And it was just one of those things of like, “what am I doing? Why am I in this car right now? This was a mistake.” And so you think all those things.
Christina Brown Fisher:
You were second guessing yourself?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yes, exactly. But pushing through it and, you know, getting through that time and getting back out there, going back at speeds and trying, I think really helped just boost my confidence that I can overcome it. And it wasn't until Sunday, right after they said, you know, Saturday being a little bit rough. It was one of those things where I'm like, “I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to fail. I don't want to have problems. I don't want to do something that jeopardizes myself, my family, things like that.” But then so you feel all those things. But getting back in the car, really Sunday was probably when I felt that just unbelievable feeling of, you know, when I'm passing cars, I'm turning fast times, I'm competing again. There's just nothing like it. I just felt, again, almost like I was home.
Christina Brown Fisher:
How much of your identity felt like it had finally been returned to you because of that race?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
You know, I think, you know, you realize even when going through what I went through, that your identity isn't tied to necessarily one thing in particular, and that there are so much there is so much more to life than just a sport or just your career or just your hobbies. But there's something to be said about the passions that light you, light your soul on fire, light your soul on fire. And for me, that is what I felt. And I just felt that there is a place for me, whether it's doing something like this in the future, continuing to do it. But that racing is something that I don't want to lose, and it's something that the drive to compete is something that I don't, that that does make me feel like that is part of my identity.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Did you find any of those vision issues surface again, like they did in 2018.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Not from like a vision standpoint. You know, the biggest that I realized was just some of the ways I was tensing up caused some of the issues within my neck to, you know, radiate some pain or numbness down my arm. But I realized a lot of that I could do by calming. And some of my therapy was just simply the breathing, breathing from, you know, your body, not just your chest and not just tightening up some of those muscles. And the way I was holding the steering wheel, things like that, like you just take time to pause and slow down. And for me, with the injury itself, I am, I tend to fly, you know, 100 miles an hour all the time with everything I'm doing. It's just one, some of who I am, some of it's my job. But that also was a way of, I think, even almost a therapeutic way for me in the car to be thinking about those things and not just be so, you know, tense when I'm in there. So that was really the only thing I have that a little residual. But that wasn't anything that I would say would maybe have not happened had I not had the injury just because of the way I was, you know, tensing up at that time. So, which was incredible for me to not have those vision issues. I was very probably my biggest concern was that in there as well as, you know, migraines or things like that, that would come up.
Christina Brown Fisher:
So how did you do? How did you finish in the race?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
So we actually finished third in our class. We were running second in our class, and overall and had a small motor issue that we actually found and resolved rather quickly. But endurance racing is a lot about sustaining and finishing the race. So, when we got back out there, we kind of climbed our way back up and actually finished third in the class, which was really, really incredible that it was my first road race ever, let alone endurance race it was just a fun and surreal part, or, it was fun and surreal to be a part of.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Do you think you will continue to do this type of racing, or do you think that you will maybe try for Sprint Car again?
Anna Kouba Bowers:
I think for now this is probably filling my bucket enough. I really did enjoy it. I enjoyed the team we were with. They're great people and just the other people that are even in there that are competing, the other teams, they're awesome people in general. So a lot of them are just like us. Just trying to get their fix in from racing but also competing. So, I do see myself for a while at least here doing endurance racing and just seeing where that goes. I'm not saying that sprint car racing may not be my future again. Only time will really tell.
Christina Brown Fisher:
You talked about earlier about just how much it meant to you as a woman in this, you know, very heavily male dominated sport to be an inspiration to other women and young girls. And I know you have a daughter of your own, a two-year-old. Tell me what it was like to have the little girls see you jumping out of this Champ car.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Yeah, it was always funny because she's watch videos of me but never seen me. So, when I told her that, you know, because I did race against my husband, he was on a different team. So, we were both racing not on the track at the same time but competing against each other nonetheless. When I actually told her I was racing, she said, “mom can't race, mommy not racing.”
Christina Brown Fisher:
(laughs)
Anna Kouba Bowers:
And I was like, “yeah, I am.” But when she, when she saw me, and saw me in the suit, you know, it was just her eyes lit up and it was something that I, that I really enjoy just having her be a part of and seeing me actually back in the car.
Christina Brown Fisher:
Oh, that's awesome. Anna Kouba Bowers, oh, this has just been such delight, and I just cannot say thank you enough for joining me and just talking to me about your journey, and clearly your journey is still unfolding. You know, we can't wait to see what you'll be racing when and where you'll be racing next time.
Anna Kouba Bowers:
Thank you so much for having me. It's been an absolute joy talking with you and just getting to know you over the last year or two.
Christina Brown Fisher:
I know it's been I know we've been wanting to do this for a while, so I'm glad we were finally able to make this happen. Yeah, this has been great.
((music outro))
Christina Brown Fisher: For more information about pink concussions and how you can get connected, you can find it in the show notes.
This episode includes discussiion about suicidal thoughts and ideation. If you are struggling, please call the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1 (800) 273-TALK.