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Mentors help their mentees steer clear of actions or situations that would hurt them and hurt others. Whether you’re helping your mentee mature into adulthood, teaching them an age appropriate skill, or confronting a destructive behavior, here are some of the things we have found helpful for mentors to consider.
Show Notes
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WELCOME
You Can Mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others.
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SHOW NOTES
Mentors help their mentees steer clear of actions or situations that would hurt them and hurt others. Whether you’re helping your mentee mature into adulthood, teaching them an age appropriate skill, or confronting a destructive behavior, here are some of the things we have found helpful for mentors to consider.
1. Earn the Right to Be Heard
- Don’t assume your mentee knows why you care for him
- Speed of Trust by Covey
- A kid doesn’t care what you know until he knows that you care
- Trust depends on your actions and their past
- Hard conversations require trust
- Give trust to build trust
2. Pick Your Battles
- Don’t rebuke every small thing
- Focus on what they’re doing right more than what they’re doing wrong
- Be wise and patient with them as they grow
- Is this a life or death issue?
- Are their actions ordinary for kids their age?
3. Prepare Wisely
- Pray before you engage in a difficult conversation
- Check yourself and your intentions
- Choose timing and environments wisely
- Share feedback toward the end of a meeting rather than the beginning
- In a quiet place where they can focus on what you’re telling them
4. Asking Permission
- Instead of just blurting out what they are doing wrong, you can saying something like this:
- “You know I love you and want the best for you, right?”
- “Well, I’ve noticed some things that might keep you from being the best version of you. Do you mind if I share those with you?”
- If they say yes, proceed with your feedback. If their answer is no, let it go
- Establish that sharing feedback is not the central part of the mentor relationship
5. Rebuke Thy Neighbor Like Thy self
- Put yourself in your mentee’s shoes
- Asking questions and getting them to think about the “why” behind their actions typically works better
- Ask questions instead of talking “at” or lecturing your mentee
- Share personal stories and examples to help them see the bigger picture
- Be careful with your tone
- If the child thinks you are judgemental, harsh, or angry, the possibility of them shutting down or getting angry are high
- We want the child to know that we are for them and that we believe the best about them
- Care more about their heart than their actions
- Grace oriented
6. Call them up, not out
- Call out their giftings and their potential
- Speak life over them
- Encourage them to do better and let them know that you are there for them in case things don’t go as planned
- Call them up to all that they can be instead of calling them out for what they have done wrong
7. You Can Lead a Horse to Water but You Can’t Make Him Drink
- We have to be ok with the fact that we have done all that the Lord has called us to do
- We invest, and God transforms
- God the Father is patient and gentle with us
- We must remember that we are dealing with children
- Love them no matter what
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others. You can mentor.
Speaker 2:Yo, what's up? You can mentor. Don't let anyone tell you you can't because you can mentor. Welcome to the You Can Mentor podcast. This is Zachary Garza, and I'm here today to equip and encourage you to mentor in the name of Jesus.
Speaker 2:Oh.
Speaker 1:Oh. I'm not doing that.
Speaker 3:I just love I love it.
Speaker 2:Well, I think it's a good start.
Speaker 3:This is my favorite moment in my week.
Speaker 2:Pull up your bootstraps, Tuck in that shirt and get ready for a wild mentoring ride.
Speaker 1:360 tuck, everybody. 360. All the way around.
Speaker 2:That's right. You guys better do whatever you gotta do to prepare yourself to mentor because we're about to get after it. Okay. Today, we are going to talk about drum roll, please. Someone?
Speaker 2:It's The worst drum roll ever.
Speaker 1:Well, there's not a I'm not close enough to the table.
Speaker 2:We're gonna talk about how to call your Minty up, not out. We're gonna call these the rules to rebuke.
Speaker 3:Wow. That's that's really good.
Speaker 2:That's a strong that's a strong title. Rules to rebuke.
Speaker 3:Literation.
Speaker 2:It sounds like a movie title. Seriously, though, guys, we can all, agree that we would not be a very good mentor if we didn't try to help our kids, go down a wise path. Right? Our kids, sometimes, they get into some sticky situations. They do some actions, say some words, think some thoughts that are ultimately going to lead them down a path of destruction, and it wouldn't be very responsible of us to just let them do that.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. Today, we're gonna talk about how to gently guide your kid if he's going down a bad path to steer him back to a path of righteousness. We have just learned some things. We have learned some things that work. We've learned some things that don't work, and we would like to share those with you today.
Speaker 3:Rebuking is not a natural place for us. If we do it, we probably go overboard. But if we don't do it, then we're encouraging specific things in others' lives that aren't helpful. We're passive in nature when it comes to other people's growth, and I think a mentor can't be passive in in the things that they see in their kid. So
Speaker 2:Yeah. It's good. The kids that we mentor more times than not, they've got buds. They've got friends. They've got guys who they spend time with, play video games with.
Speaker 2:What they need is a mature adult father figure, mom figure, who is going to lead them and guide them towards Jesus Christ in a kind and gentle way. Right? And that last part, that kind and gentle. Right? Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who who hear.
Speaker 2:That's Ephesians 4 29. We gotta speak in truth. We gotta speak in grace. We gotta speak in kindness. Only then are our kids going to listen to us.
Speaker 2:Only then are they going to give us the time of day. Some of our kids, due to their previous experiences with authority and in particular male authority, they have a hard time trusting people. Yeah. And trust is the foundation of any good relationship. Yeah.
Speaker 2:They have a hard time receiving your advice because deep down, they question whether or not you are truly for them. Right. We have to remember that. We have to know that these kids aren't just going to freely give us their trust. For some of our kids, due to the fact that they've grown up in homes that are broken, they feel alone.
Speaker 2:They feel isolated, and they feel like they have to go through this thing called life all alone. Mhmm. And because of that, when someone comes alongside to kind of give them advice or to help guide them, they don't know what to do because they have literally never experienced that before. It's foreign. So just know that this might be the first time in a long long time that some of our kids have have had someone who's going to come alongside them and try to teach them the path to go.
Speaker 2:Some of our kids have walls up. And I would say the older the kid, the more opportunities for walls to be built up. They do not let you in easily. They do this because this is a protection mechanism. They have been hurt in their past.
Speaker 2:They've trusted someone in their past and that person hasn't been there for them. And because of that, their cautiousness is their hearts way of figuring out if you are safe, if you truly are who you say you are. That's why it's so important that we come with kindness, that we come with gentleness, and that we do the things that we're about to talk about.
Speaker 1:Our first point is, is trust established? You have to earn the right to be heard. This is really important because, like Zach was talking about, a lot of our kids either don't trust adult authority figures or they've because they've never seen a good adult authority figure in their life or because they've been hurt so many times and they have walls up. And so earning the right to be heard is a big deal, and it takes time. And I think that's Yeah.
Speaker 1:An important point to make is that it's it's not gonna be overnight. You may have you may have a great initial interaction with the kid that you're mentoring. And as you continue to build that relationship and continue to have deeper conversations, you may start to pick up on some of those walls. And so earning the right to be heard and gaining trust is huge. So how do you guys do that?
Speaker 3:Yeah. I think it's it's safe to say that most mentors come into mentoring with good intentions
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Of, like, well, I'm I'm very well intentioned. I'm gonna invest in this kid's life, but the kid isn't going to naturally think your intentions are this virtuous purity of I want he wants to invest in me. Mhmm. And so I think I think it's good to ask the question, have I convinced the kid that I'm mentoring that I am trustworthy and that my intentions are good for him? And and really to to sit in that for a while before you just assume, like, this guy understands why I'm here.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah. There's an awesome book called the the speed of trust. I think it's by Covey, but it's just a awesome read about how trust really is the foundation of any good relationship. And one thing that we like to say in regards to mentoring is you must earn the right to be heard. A kid doesn't care what you know until he knows that you care, And it takes work to earn the right to be heard.
Speaker 2:For some kids, it takes 6 weeks to earn trust. For some kids, it takes 6 months. I've had a kid who I've mentored that it has taken 3 to 4 years to earn trust. How quickly trust is grown is dependent on your actions and their past.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:So for every kid, it's different because every kid has a different story. And things that we can do to earn trust, it truly goes back to the basics of mentoring. It goes back to to doing what you said you're gonna do. It comes back to communicating. It comes back to, does this kid enjoy being around me?
Speaker 2:Because whenever he's around me, I make him feel good. It comes back to entering into his world Mhmm. And not trying to fix him, but instead just trying to love him for who he is, not for what he does. Yeah. Yep.
Speaker 2:And that's how you earn the right to be heard. You just consistently show up time after time after time after time. There is no there is no pill that just quickly establishes trust. It is developed because you are doing the things of of the Lord on a consistent basis.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I I
Speaker 3:think a great way to build trust is to give trust. And and so if you're if you're wondering, how do I how do I develop trust with the kid I'm mentoring, You should ask yourself the question, are you trusting this kid in the relationship, and are you giving him opportunities to show his trustworthiness? This is random, but I was picking up a kid to serve at church whose dad's not in his life. And we were driving. It was like 7 o'clock in the morning in Richardson.
Speaker 3:I remembered that his birthday was the last week and he just turned 16. And so I was like, have you have you ever driven before? And and this kid, he he said, no. And so I literally was at a stop sign. I don't recommend this in every situation, but I pulled it in the park.
Speaker 3:I got out of the car, and I opened his door, and I said, today's the day. And That's awesome. He gets in he gets in the driver's side, and he is so frightened, but I'm just sitting there encouraging him and telling him, like, this is pull this into drive. That's where the gas, like, here's where the break is. Red lights, you know what to do, like, and and all of that stuff.
Speaker 3:And it was the jerkiest ride I've ever had to church, but we made it. And he was so touched by my trust in him that I would give him my Buick, my 2,004 Buick Park Avenue. And, I mean, I I just think that there there are so many bids that we can give our kids to trust them with something that no one else has trusted them with before, and it doesn't have to be your most prized possession, your grandma Buick. But I I just think that those are opportunities that mentors have to look for. How can I develop trust by giving trust, not just to receive it?
Speaker 1:We can't ever stop trying to gain trust.
Speaker 2:Yeah. It's good.
Speaker 1:Because I think and that's that's in every single relationship. And it is a con it is a relationships are work. And so it is a constant habit that we have to continue to create and continue to foster and continue to, nurture. You know? Is just the habit of how do I build trust with this person?
Speaker 1:And it looks different. It does look different with every kid. I don't think there's, like, a time or a specific day, you know, or something that we can say, like, if you do these 10 things.
Speaker 2:Right. By 6 months, the kid will trust you.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Totally. Yeah. But it is just, like, start to recognize. And something that I found really, really fun is to journal about the kids that I'm hanging out with and just starting to see, like, okay.
Speaker 1:If I go back to 2 years ago, what did my conversations with this girl look like? And then now what do my conversations look like? And they're way deeper.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And, you know, this it is it has become like a really tight friendship for us in a sense where I I trust her now, and she is now able like, totally that Paul and Timothy relationship of, like, she is encouraging me all the time now. And that was, like, not at all what it looked like 3 years ago.
Speaker 2:Man, Cash. That's some wisdom right there. Let's go. Just dropping it. We always have to remember that there is a reason why.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:There's a reason why he's not trusting us. There's a reason why he does not believe the best about us. Mhmm. And more times than not, it comes from his background, from his past, from trauma. Cash, I think one thing that, you just said will take us on to our next point and that is pick your battles.
Speaker 2:This is how we pick our battles.
Speaker 3:I literally was singing that this morning.
Speaker 2:If you're in a mentoring relationship before long enough, your kid is going to give you an opportunity to rebuke him Yes. To correct him. Okay? It is just gonna happen. And I want us as mentors to come at this, not like you're trying to fix the kid, but like a friend.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Right? You talked about the the girl who you mentor and how you kinda see yourself as as a friendship now. And I don't have any friends who are consistently rebuking every single thing that I do wrong.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:If that person does that, guess what? He ain't my friend for
Speaker 3:too long.
Speaker 2:He's my friend. Yeah. K? Because no one out there hey. Oh, you shouldn't have said that.
Speaker 2:You need to do this. You need to dress like you. Right? Like, there isn't anyone out there who likes to be consistently rebuked for every single small thing.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:Everyone's had that guy in their discipleship everyone. Where where you meet, and he just takes it as a time to rebuke everyone in the room.
Speaker 2:Hey, bro. What's up with that song that you're listening to? I don't think that that's really promoting the bet. You know? Now while, like, while that might be true, there's definitely a time and a place to have those conversations.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm gonna be real here. Right? Kids don't make the wisest choices. They don't make the best decisions, and we could spend all day every day talking about all the things that they're doing wrong. But if our kid's doing a 100 things wrong and one thing right, I wanna focus in on that one thing right because when we do that, we show that kid that he has value.
Speaker 2:We show that kid that this is a safe place. We show that kid that we love him for him. And then what I wanna do is I wanna bring the other things to the Lord and say, god, help me find a time. Help me find a way to bring these things up. Because we always have to come back to the main question.
Speaker 2:And the main question is this, what are you trying to do in your mentoring relationship? Are you trying to fix your mentee, or are you trying to build a relationship? Let's say that it's your first time to ever hang out with a kid that you're going to mentor, and he says a bad word. Right? Let's just say that he just drops the f bomb.
Speaker 2:Bam. And you're like, woah. Like, what the right? We can bleep it out
Speaker 3:if you wanna do it.
Speaker 2:No. Thanks. But it is going to be a barrier in your relationship if you jump on that
Speaker 3:kid
Speaker 2:as soon as he does that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right? It is not going to lead to building trust if you jump on him and say, hey. You don't do that. We don't do that's not how we talk. You need to stop that.
Speaker 2:But instead, keep that in mind and file that away and bring it to the lord. Say, lord, I feel like my kid has an issue with speaking in a way that is honoring towards you. Help me find a time. Help open up a door, lord. Open up a door for me to teach him how to speak in a way that is honoring to you.
Speaker 3:Yeah. What are specific battles that we should prioritize over others?
Speaker 1:That's a good question.
Speaker 3:Because if we're saying we need to pick pick our battles, what battles are common that are, like, okay, we need to settle down here and actually fight for this. Right. And
Speaker 2:I do think that if there's any sin in your kid's life, we do need to go after that. Mhmm. However, what I'm saying here is we need to be patient, and we need to be mindful, and we need to be really, really particular with how we do that and when we do it. Mhmm. So if a kid is saying bad words, okay, you've gotta ask yourself, is that a life or death situation?
Speaker 2:And if there's anything that that your kid's doing that is going to lead to death that could lead to serious consequences, then it is our job, it is our responsibility to do whatever we have to do to end that. I would rather save a kid's life because we help him get, the the services that he needs if he's on drugs or if he has a gun. I would I would sacrifice our relationship to help him because I care more about him and his heart than I do our relationship because I'm gonna trust that the Lord's going to give him another mentor. Right? So I always ask those questions.
Speaker 2:Is this life or death? Will this lead him to a bigger sin that will have more serious consequences in his life? Is this out of the ordinary, or does this typically happen with most teens? Mhmm. And I guess I kinda see it as I put the things that I need to, guide him in, and I prioritize those.
Speaker 2:Right? And so, like, just being super intentional about knowing the effects that those sins can have in his life. Because all sin does lead to death, but we also trust the Lord and we also are patient, and we know that this kid's actions doesn't have to they don't have to change overnight. Yeah. Because just think about how the Lord is with you.
Speaker 2:Right? Like, the Lord sometimes will allow you to taste the fruit of your sin to teach you a lesson, to put you on a path of light instead of a path of darkness. And just we want to go to him and we would like to follow his lead and say, god, you open up the doors, you show me when you put it on my heart, the timing that we need to go after this sin. Yeah. Because, because timing is everything, and we don't wanna be in control.
Speaker 2:We wanna submit that control to the lord and say, god, you love this kid more than we do, and you know what's up. Show me what to do. Guide me.
Speaker 1:This goes right into our next point of preparing wisely for those conversations.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And when the lord does allow a time for you to have a hard conversation with a kid or to rebuke them, it does require preparation.
Speaker 2:For sure.
Speaker 1:And not necessarily. I think it totally can have preparation in the sense of I'm gonna talk to him at this time, at this place, but also preparation in your heart about how to go about having the conversation. Because the conversation about language, that's a we could go off of that example, might look totally different between one kid versus another.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:And
Speaker 1:the way that you go about it and the way that you talk to him or her about it. And so just everything that we do, we have to go back to the fact that the Lord loves these kids and knows these kids so much more, so much more intimately than we ever, ever will. And so we have to pray for them, and we have to ask the Lord for how do we how do we communicate well and effectively with this child.
Speaker 2:Galatians 61 says, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Mhmm. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. And I hear that last part. Right?
Speaker 2:Keep watch of yourself.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And I know for me, I'm a passionate dude. So if I see someone walking in a way that's not wise, then I I typically I just go straight forward. But I need to go to the lord first and prepare and say, okay, lord. I see this issue. Please take control of my heart.
Speaker 2:Lord, please guide my speech, guide my tongue. Help me not speak out in anger, but in gentleness and kindness. And that's just so important. It is so important to bathe your conversations in prayer. If you know that, you're about to talk about a hard topic, it's okay to write out what you wanna say beforehand.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. It's okay to spend a day or 2 and say, hey, Lord, how do you want me to go about this? It's okay to show that to your friends. It's okay to show that to your wife and just say, hey, does this sound like I'm too hard? Is this out of line here?
Speaker 2:In regards to preparing preparing wisely, take note of the small things. Take note of how how his attitude is whenever you pick them up. Take note of the location. Right? If you pick up your kid and he's in the best mood and he's like, man, I just made a 100 on my test and I just did awesome in sports, don't kill that high.
Speaker 2:Right? Don't be like, oh, that's great, but today, I wanna talk to you about how you right? Like, take note, be wise, and just know that there are circumstances, that we can control that are going to make that conversation go better. Don't rebuke him in front of his friends. Don't embarrass him.
Speaker 2:Don't use harsh words. Pick a good location. Pick a spot that's quiet because the last thing that we wanna do is hurt the kid. The last thing that we wanna do is make him feel like we're not safe and to lose trust because trust takes forever to build and only a moment to lose. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Well, and as we talk about helping our mentees fulfill their potential, that comes with the idea that I need to call out every single thing that I see that is off. And I I think we have to be aware of really just the temptation to criticize and critique every little thing versus encouraging the little things. Yep. And Mhmm. What are what are the little things we're seeing that we could encourage, not what are the little things we see that we could correct.
Speaker 3:And I think that those those things are huge in the life of our kids because most of the things that they're hearing are related to the little things that people critique and make fun of them for or want them to get better in under the minds of well, I want them to fulfill their potential. Yeah. But I I just think that there's there are so many little things that we can take the time to encourage, and I think that takes wisdom to be able to see those things and and recognize them in our kids. Yep.
Speaker 2:Alright. So we we understand that trust needs to be established, that we have to earn the right to be heard, and then we pick our battles. And when we find a battle and when the Lord opens up a door for us to deal with that, we prepare wisely. We bathe that thing in prayer. And when it's time to actually have that conversation with the kid, we need to do this.
Speaker 2:Here's our next point, ask permission first.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:We gotta ask permission. Instead of just blurting out what this kid has done wrong, you can say something like, hey, man. You know that I love you and you know that I want the best for you. Right? And then, you know, whenever the kid's like, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Sure. Then say, well, I've seen some sayings that are keeping you from living life to the fullest. There's some things in your life that I believe are keeping you from becoming the man that I believe that the Lord has called you to be. Do you mind if I share those things with you?
Speaker 2:And if he says yes, then proceed. And if he says no, then let it go and trust that God is going to open up another opportunity for you to speak those words in his timing.
Speaker 3:For people say before where they're like, you know, you're you might not like what I'm about to tell you, but I I want you to know because I care for you and I love you, fill in the blank. Like, do you feel like that's the same sentiment, or is that different?
Speaker 2:I think I think that is on the right path, but I think that the first way is just a better way because it's giving them input. Because it's saying, hey. Look. This is your life, and I am not going to barge in. I'm not going to kick down the door and tell you what I think that you need to hear.
Speaker 2:That that is one thing that I really love about the Lord is that he's a gentleman. Right? Is that he is always going to give you the opportunity to do what you wanna do because he isn't a tyrant, but instead he gives us free will. Right? Ultimately, it is up to us what we wanna do with our lives.
Speaker 2:Now if we're wise and then we follow the ways of Jesus. Right? But Jesus doesn't force us to do anything. And that's kinda that's the foundation of asking first for permission. Right?
Speaker 3:If we go ahead and say it, in a way, we're showing that, hey. We trust that you know where I'm coming from as I share this.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:But most mentors haven't built that trust.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:And so I think definitely for someone who hasn't built trust, asking permission may be like a nonnegotiable.
Speaker 2:That's good.
Speaker 3:But for someone who's who is talking to their mentee and is like, hey. You trust me. You know where this is coming from. Here's what you need to hear. Like and you can receive it or reject it, but I'm gonna speak it.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. And I think that that's that's something that comes once you develop trust.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And
Speaker 2:I agree with that. And also, you know, if if a kid is doing something that is causing him to go down a bad path and you ask permission, he says, no, And you're seeing, man, this really isn't good. And then the next time you can be like, hey. Look. I know that this is hard to hear, but Mhmm.
Speaker 2:This is what I'm seeing. So yeah. So I mean, like, if trust has been established, if you haven't been mentoring your kid for 3, 4, 5, 6, you know, years, then I think that it is okay just to say it. But at first, I think asking permission is a great way to show him value and to let him know that, hey. Look.
Speaker 2:I am not here to tell you what to do, but I'm just here to guide you.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. Sounds good. And I think it it even establishes that it is a segment of the relationship Yeah. Not
Speaker 2:Not the whole.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. That's good. And so it it kind of it's like, okay. We're gonna have this conversation over here, but we are good.
Speaker 3:And I think that that's that's really good to establish that me rebuking you is not, like, the basis for our relationship. It is it is a part of it, not the whole. So
Speaker 2:Yeah. What about our next point?
Speaker 3:Rebuke thyself.
Speaker 1:Rebuke thy neighbor like thyself,
Speaker 3:Steven. Why did you use the the theis and the thou's?
Speaker 2:I don't know. I just thought it looked cool.
Speaker 3:Okay. So Rebuke thy neighbor like thyself.
Speaker 2:I just think it sounds kinda like old, you know, like like I'm like a jester, and I'm like bringing like a
Speaker 1:A jester.
Speaker 3:Good man.
Speaker 2:I'm bringing like a telegram to the king. Hey, man. I don't know why I spoke in English. I just go to that.
Speaker 3:Kids these days like King James, bro. So
Speaker 2:rebuke thy neighbor like thyself. For those of you guys who are soon into our podcast
Speaker 3:Still listening, all 10 of you.
Speaker 2:We take notes first, and we kinda go off them. So I put rebuke thy neighbor like thyself. My bad. I'm getting made fun of.
Speaker 1:That's great. What does it mean?
Speaker 2:Well, I think it just means this, that no one likes being told what to do, and no one likes being spoken harshly to. Yeah. So if you're going to rebuke your kid, if you're gonna tell him something that's hard to hear, then put yourself in his shoes Mhmm. You know, and think, how would I receive this?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. So Yeah.
Speaker 1:I I would just add that I think there's an important distinction to make between discipline and rebuking because we're not, again, we're not the parent, so we're not sitting there saying, this is what you're doing, so I'm going to take your phone away or to take away time from me seeing you or to take away communication with you. Those are things that we, that you would do if you were maybe a parent, and even then, I would say, maybe don't take away, like, love from your child. But, like, we don't want to we don't want to rebuke a kid and for them to hear or for us to even say or infer in any way that we are taking away love from them, or we are we are pulling back from them, or we are going to start not seeing them as often because of the things that they're doing, because we are we're not disciplining them, and we're not we're not punishing them, in the way that we rebuke them. We are simply calling we're simply having a hard conversation with them, but we it's that much more important to continue to press into that relationship.
Speaker 1:And we would want that. We we wouldn't want to be rebuked and then to have that friend, you know, pull away from our relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so I think that's just an important reminder of, like, do think about how you would want to be treated in that situation and situations that have gone maybe poorly. Like, think remember those things. Yeah. And think about the fact that you're dealing with a child, 1, and a child, 2, that if they've built trust, that has taken a lot of effort for them as well to tear down those walls, and they're in a very vulnerable state trusting you. And so it's that much more important to be careful about the way that we do go about rebuking and not not pulling away from that relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah. That's good cash. And I think a great way to do that is to ask questions. Yeah. Because no one likes being talked talked at.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. Right? Whenever you're with your kid, don't lecture him.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:That doesn't work. Instead, ask him questions. Hey. Is do you think that this is helping or hurting you? Do you think this is going to lead to goodness in your life?
Speaker 2:Do you think this is going to make you be someone that people want to be with? Mhmm. And try to get them to open up instead of them just thinking to themselves, man, this guy's coming down on me. I'm gonna put my head down in shame and guilt. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:But try to engage a discussion with him. And guys, please remember the fruit of the spirit. Right? Love, patience, kindness, gentleness, self control. We have got to, have the conversations that we're gonna have while displaying the fruit of the Holy Spirit because this kid might never have had a constructive conversation before in his life.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Not only are there not a lot of adults in his life who he can look to and trust, but he's has never had to experience this this difficult situation before.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So he might not know how to act.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So we have to walk out in gentleness. We have to walk out in kindness.
Speaker 1:And all of those things because it's fruit, plural of this. I mean, fruit singular of the spirit.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Not plural, which I just love. I love that that is so purposeful. You can do a whole other podcast about that one verse.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And also just whenever we talk to him about things that, are not honoring to the lord, let's go after the heart, not the actions.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Totally. Let's find out why he's doing the things that he's doing. And for some of our kids, they might not even be able to articulate that, but it's our job to help kinda bring that out of them and to help kinda guide them as they figure out what is going on in my heart, and why do I feel this way, and why am I acting this way?
Speaker 1:It's It's
Speaker 3:good. In my head, there is this person listening right now that thinks about how Jesus rebukes people. They're like rebuking the Pharisees, calling them like serpents. Brood of vipers, foxes, and
Speaker 1:You whitewashed tombs.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And and they're like, well, Jesus, if that's his approach, like, shouldn't we follow after Jesus? And then even Jesus with his disciples, he's, like, saying, oh, you have little faith. Like and, like, Jesus seems like he's pretty harsh when it comes to the criticisms and rebukes that he's giving, but I guess in in my head, what that doesn't account for is that Jesus isn't talking to children. He's not, like, talking to the little kids and saying, woe is you, bro.
Speaker 3:There's a temptation to misapply how Jesus critiques and rebukes people into our own, I guess, conception of what we're called to as believers, and I think even particularly when it comes to children who are in a developmental stage, and so it's important to understand who we're talking to, not just the standard of what we hold ourselves to. And so mentoring has to always have, at the outset, like, the understanding of this is a kid.
Speaker 2:2nd Timothy 42 says, reprove, re rebuke, and exhort with complete patience and teaching. Alright? So it's okay to reprove. It's okay to rebuke. But once that's done, we have to exhort.
Speaker 2:We have to encourage. We have to build them back up. We have to speak the truth in love. Yeah. Speaking the truth in love, that's what Jesus did.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And so we have to keep that on the forefront of our mind just knowing that, you know, love really is the most important thing here. Does this kid know that we're for him? Does this kid know that we love him? Does he know that we want the best for him?
Speaker 2:And we have got to say those things. We've got to say, hey, look, man, I love you, and I want the best for you. I'm in your corner no matter what, and we have to say those things over and over and over and over because for some of our kids, they've never heard that before. Right. They for sure have haven't ever experienced that before.
Speaker 2:And how cool is it that we get the opportunity to do that in their lives? Yeah. That we get to be the ones to show up, to consistently love them, to have them experience what it feels like to have someone care for them. Hey. Look, man.
Speaker 2:I care so much about you that I'm not going to let you do things that are going to lead you to darkness, and that's why I'm saying this. Because, man, above all else, I love you so much, and I want the best for you. And what you're doing right now is not going to help bring out the best in you.
Speaker 3:Yeah. It repositions the rebuke or the criticism to this will benefit you. It's not just what I want. Right. And that's a rewiring.
Speaker 2:And look, I I've messed this up. Right? I have rebuked a kid who I've mentored in a way that was harsh. I have not been gentle. And when that does happen, if that does happen, that's okay.
Speaker 2:Just apologize. Hey, man. Look. I'm sorry. I did not speak with gentleness.
Speaker 2:I I was not kind. That's on me. Above all else, I want you to know that I love you, and I'm for you, and I'm sorry. I messed up.
Speaker 1:Call him up, not out.
Speaker 2:Boom. Boom. I love this one. Let's do a little bit of a situational role play here. Okay?
Speaker 2:Let's say that you've got a kid. What? Does that sound weird?
Speaker 3:Situational role
Speaker 2:play. Oh. I got so excited about that.
Speaker 1:Come on then.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Bring it on. So let's say that your kid's making bad grades. Alright? You can go about this one of 2 ways.
Speaker 2:The first way, hey, man. I see that you failed math class again. You know that if you continue to make bad grades that you're not gonna go to college? Do you know that you're not gonna get a good job? That isn't what you want.
Speaker 2:Right? I just really wish you'd take your academics more seriously. That's one way. Or you could say this, hey man, how's it going in math class? I remember that you had a test last week.
Speaker 2:I failed the test with the 46. Man, I'm so sorry to hear that that you failed your math test. I know that that's not who you are. You're not a failure, and I know that you have what it takes to make great grades. You're a smart kid with a ton of potential.
Speaker 2:Why don't we figure out what to do to make this math grade better? Because one day, you're gonna pass math, graduate college, and you're gonna get a great job because you're an awesome kid, and it'll all be worth it. How can I help you make better grades in math? You're basically saying the same thing, just one is negative. One's focusing in on on all the bad things, and the other one's focusing in on the good things.
Speaker 2:One's calling him out and one's calling him up. Mhmm. Sometimes the kids that we mentor have no idea how to dream for their future. An incredible opportunity that we have as mentors is we get to dream for them. We get to cultivate dreams in their minds of people that they can become.
Speaker 2:And you do that when you speak life over them, when you call out their giftings, when you call out their potential, when you focus on the future and who they're going to become and what the Lord has for them instead of focusing in on their past. One of the most important phrases that our kids can hear is, hey, I believe in you. Mhmm. I'm proud of you. You have what it takes to succeed.
Speaker 2:Encourage them to do better, and let them know that you're there for them in case they need help or when things don't go as planned. Call them up to all that they can be instead of calling them out for the mistakes that they've made. Alright. So as you guys might have heard in our previous podcast, I'm a really tall guy. I'm 68, and I love playing basketball.
Speaker 2:And way back in the day before I got married, I played in just a bunch of basketball leagues. And one league that I was in was this church league basketball. The worst. Man, they are something else. Like, you could witness the wrath of man in church league basketball quicker than almost any other place.
Speaker 2:It's like there's there's prison, and then there's church league basketball. Like Woah. People go crazy during church league basketball.
Speaker 3:I grew up playing basketball with Mormons, so I I know what it's like.
Speaker 2:Alright. So That'd be great. So I'm just, like, cocky, like, 25 year old dude, and I'm kinda having my way with, like, pastor Joe and, like, his, worship minister Timothy. And, like, I had no issue just dunking on anyone who got in my way. Amen.
Speaker 2:Now keep in mind, I'm like a foot taller than these guys, so, like, I should be dominating. Right? But there was this one game that our team was playing a bunch of men who were older. My team was filled with a bunch of, like, 25, 26 year old dudes, and these guys were all in their fifties or all in their sixties, and our team was kinda dominating them. We were up by probably 40 points or so.
Speaker 2:And I was in the post trying to do a post move and this guy fouled me. Right? And I missed the shot, and the ref just sat there and stared at me, and he didn't call a foul. And I lost my cool. I started screaming and shouting, like, ref, what the heck?
Speaker 2:That's a foul. How come you didn't call that foul? And da da da. And I'm just causing this huge scene, making a total full out of myself. But on the other team, there's this man, and this guy's name is Nick.
Speaker 2:And Nick knew me because one of my mentors and Nick were best friends. And Nick knew that I was trying to follow Jesus, and Nick knew that I had a good heart, but sometimes had issues with anger. And as I'm just going off on this ref and screaming and cussing and shouting, Nick grabs me, and he kinda pulls me off to the side. I'm a big guy, but so is Nick. He's he's about 6 5, and he grabs me by both shoulders, and he looks me right in the eyes, and he just says, Zach, this is not who you are.
Speaker 2:You're a man of God, and a man of God doesn't talk like that. Stop doing that, man. That's not who you are. And I didn't know Nick super well, and at first, I was taken back. At first, I was embarrassed because this guy just kinda told me my business.
Speaker 2:Right? But here I am 15 years later, and I still remember that that night vividly because Nick called me up. Because Nick called me up, not out. And he told me who I was, and he told me where I was going, instead of focusing on the actions that I was doing that night, instead of focusing in on all the bad things that I was doing. My friend Nick had every right to call me out.
Speaker 2:He could have called me a cocky punk. He could have chewed me up and spit me out. He had every right to, but instead Nick used that opportunity to speak truth and identity into me. What Nick said that night made a huge impact on who I am today, and I'll never forget it. It's good.
Speaker 2:And that's my story. Hey, mentors. As we finish up, we just have got to keep in mind that it is not our responsibility to transform our kids. Mhmm. That's the Lord's responsibility.
Speaker 2:I know sometimes it's so hard to watch them do things that are going to lead them to hurt or to darkness, but our job is not to transform their behavior. Our job is to be with them, to build a relationship, and introduce them to the Lord who can transform their hearts. It's our job to be an example of the Lord Jesus Christ who never quits on us, who stays with us even whenever we act a fool. Right? For some people, that's hard.
Speaker 2:For me, that's hard because frustration can set in whenever your mentee has, chosen time after time after time the things that are not wise. But I want you to remember how gentle and patient the God the father is with us. Yeah. How often have we known what to do and done the exact opposite? In every decision or situation we put ourselves in, are we perfect and without error?
Speaker 2:Because if you are without sin, please cast the first stone. And guys, what Cash said is true. We are dealing with children. Even high school students who might look like they're 30, they're still children whose minds are developing and who come from a hard place. As a mentor, I want to grow in compassion as I put myself in their shoes.
Speaker 2:Because being a kid and growing up, let alone in today's culture, it's hard. It's not easy. There's no handbook, especially for a kid who has a tough home life. So let us be like Jesus and give our kids grace and compassion especially when they mess up. Let us love them no matter what and when no one else does.
Speaker 2:You can mentor.